During a shared walk, a friend of mine mentioned that her son had visited with his new partner the previous evening. They had chatted for a while before the couple left and my friend, much to her horror, recollected that all the while, she had found herself running an internal dialogue about the attributes, physical and otherwise, of the young woman.
My friend was deeply shocked and explained that she had found herself engaging thoughts such as “her chin is a bit saggy”, “her complexion is sallow”, “her hips are bigger than her breasts” and “she is shy”. From there she had jumped to her own physical attributes and had made self-directed and critical comments such as “I’ve never liked the size of my hips, they’ve been the bane of my life”, etc. etc.
From my reaction (“I‘ve done that too!”) it seems as though it has become second-nature for women to size each other up, put each other under the microscope and relentlessly list all the perceived shortcomings. And equally as normal are apparently the cruel self-talk, the devastating self-criticism, the unachievable ideals and the bar that is forever raised higher in the pursuit of more, better, firmer, tauter, younger, fitter, curvier or flatter (depending); the list is endless.
Are women really like that? Are real women like that?
What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?
I was in the company of a great number of true women at a wedding recently; they were everywhere and here is a thumbnail sketch of three of them:
- the bride wasn’t there to outshine or out-glamour any other woman – but truly shiny and glowing she was, just like she usually is;
- the best woman who walked arm in arm with the groom down the aisle was none other than his ex-wife, no less beautiful than the bride in her very own grace, poise and amazing ability to hold others;
- the bridesmaid was sweetness and preciousness herself; assured, steady and ever so tenderly and attentively supportive in her role.
And there wasn’t any perfection in sight – the best woman and the groom walked back to fetch the rings that had been forgotten, no less at ease the second time than when they walked down the aisle the first time.
So what’s the difference between how these women held themselves and the comparison, judgment and petty jealousy described at the beginning?
These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost. They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.
Would it then be true to say that it is the relentless and brutal self-talk, fuelled by and coupled with the cult of perfectionism that make a woman lash out at other women? And before you think you’re off the hook, not saying it out loud is still lashing out as we castigate and chastise ourselves before we do it to another.
And if this is true – is it then not very clear where we need to start? It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.
By Gabriele Conrad, Goonellabah, NSW, Australia
For further inspiration:
What are the qualities of a true woman? Read Ariana’s experience of uncovering this for herself.
What’s the impact of perfectionism on our daily life, and is there another way?
Who creates the image of women? ‘Is it possible that being a woman means more than what you can do or the skill set that you hold?’
Women in Livingness Blog 
Awesome article Gabriele, and one that highlights the fact that we do not need to allow the self ciritical voice to come in and rule the show, but in fact can use this as a means to highlight that we need to turn up the love dial in our own relationship with ourselves first and foremost.
Agreed – there is no fiddling or fixing on the outside, no bettering ourselves and no weekend course on the credit card – it all begins with our relationship to ourselves.
It is the quality of relationship with ourselves that is the key ingredient that then flavours the quality of relationship with other women too.
Gabriele, you make a great point when saying that thinking or saying it out loud is not really any different – for one is already in the movement that allowed the thought and the words…Hence we cannot fool ourselves that one has less impact than the other.
If we were able to see thoughts (both our own and others) then I think we’d be totally aghast at the sheer weight of abusive thoughts that stream through our heads almost constantly.
“It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” Yes, this brutal internal voice is just as damaging and harm-full as the external voice, we simply pretend it is not because it is not as obvious to others.
Comparison is addictive, it’s horrible and yet we keep doing it. As with anything I have let go of it comes from feeling how ugly it (comparison in this case) is and then asking myself what my responsibility is and letting my body answer that question, not the mind. Much simpler than trying to gather ‘willpower’.
Agreed – willpower is short-lived, always at the expense of the being and the body and in truth, leads nowhere even though it might superficially look otherwise.
Absolutely, willpower just buries the root cause and we find some other way to self-soothe and deal with the tension. Comparison is so painful on everyone because we have immense fury at ourselves for not making different decisions and yet we project that onto another at the decisions they have made.
Yes indeed the choice to drop comparison and behold ourselves and others in the love that we are is a choice to stop reducing ourselves to something less than divine and preciousness that we are.
Wow, that wedding sounds amazing. The love available to us all is so simple when we put comparison to one side.
When we do, we evolve as one and get to a cooperation and togetherness that has not been lived en masse on this earth before.
This blog is very revealing Gabriele, thank you for shining a light on the comparison that can go on between women, the examples you have given to show it most certainly does not have to be that way.
This shows there can be a difference in the quality a woman holds. It is so needed for us to appreciate this and the fact that we can all live in equality rather than in comparison – which I have been very good at as a woman.
And when one woman makes a choice to live with such a level of integrity, it is there as a reflection or a reminder for all others to do likewise.
Self awareness is powerful. When we spot those moments of self or other criticism, we can press the pause button and reset the way we see ourselves and others. The more we love ourselves, the more accepting we are of self and others.
An honest sharing Gabriel and one I can relate to as I’ve had those same mental images and internally criticised other women myself. This happens when we choose to stand apart and arrogantly from others: To truly love another is to connect to their essence and nothing else.
Kehinde, spot on – most of us as women have experienced such an internal dialogue as given in the example by Gabriele, and to now understand more how this happens offers us a great opportunity for stopping this game and looking at the root cause (being the lack of quality relationship with ourselves).
A message has been coming through loud and clear to me lately is that if we do not claim ourselves, then we leave ourselves open to do so for us. An example, if I do not claim the fact that I am a sacred beautiful woman (as we all are) and live that – not in perfection – but to the best of my ability, then I leave myself open to the voices that state very clearly that I am not and that keep me anxious and in self-doubt and self-loathing.
Yes, if we don’t claim that space it is going to be claimed for us – what is its quality though?
Indeed. It is our choice as to what qualities we choose to do life in.
Great point Sarah – it is like saying that either we claim ourselves lovingly so, or we give our power away to whatever critical voices choose to take over. There is no in between, there is no standing on the fence – it is a simple choice of claiming ourselves with the love we hold within or handing ourselves over to something that is not loving at all…. when put like this it makes it very simple and helps us understand the games that are constantly happening around us.
And one who honours and moves from her innateness first and foremost before she attends to the matters of the world.
The absolute deep honouring that we can offer ourselves and all those around us.
We do indeed carry many brutal images of how we think we ourselves should be, and so of course then we apply that to others, hence that dreaded comparison we get into. Taking responsibility is addressing and not giving energy to those thoughts or images and building a loving and supportive relationship with ourselves.
A very lonely and contracted state of being it is when we seek definition and delineation via the sold to us images and comparison with others. A prison of our own making that we have built and have the keys to though.
We have an opportunity to be kind to ourselves so we can now what it is to be kind to another.
Deep appreciation and regard for ourselves naturally flows out to those around us.
“What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?” – simply one who loves herself to love another woman as the same.
Stunningly simple – self-love engenders love of others, it cannot but be like this. Or, put another way, love of others starts with love of self.
Those critical thoughts come from how we feel about ourselves first. When we change that we change our relationship with the outside world also changes.
Comparison with others is exhausting and leaves everyone lesser.
Thank you Gabriele – a powerful exposure of the absolute brutality of lashing ourselves from the held beliefs and ideals stemming from perfectionism, criticism and judgement upon ourselves. If not stopped, we then act out our feelings of being imperfect on others. A vile and horrible cycle is perpetuated and the lie becomes deeply entrenched in our body.
“Would it then be true to say that it is the relentless and brutal self-talk, fuelled by and coupled with the cult of perfectionism that make a woman lash out at other women? And before you think you’re off the hook, not saying it out loud is still lashing out as we castigate and chastise ourselves before we do it to another”.
It is presented to me as a choice, As a woman do I harm or heal towards other women. Do I support women, or do I compare? It is so easy for women to slip into jealousy and comparison but in fact – what if we connected with the beauty that each woman brings and celebrate this first rather than treating each other like enemies. At the end of the day it is our choice on what we want the collective woman to represent.
If competition alone was evil and harmful we would never seek it. And as competition is so common within society, often without any conscious awareness of the fact, shows that there must be a pay off, a form of satisfaction or benefit that is sought on some level within us from it. Looking at that and renouncing it is a great place to start with healing it in full.
It would make sense that if we have negative thoughts about other women, then we would have similar if not worse thoughts about ourselves.
I agree, when i feel connected to myself, my body, to my beauty, wisdom and love.. i see and appreciate all this in other women. They inspire me. The comparison only comes in when i somehow (chose to) lose the connection and fill that space instead with the junk of self-critique. And when that junk is coming in I know I have to get back to myself as soon as I can and clear it before it starts to rot. The whiff of comparison is not pleasant at all; but the scent of focused self-love is like a beautiful rose flower.
Self-love affords spaciousness and joy whereas comparison and jealousy engender narrowness, both physical and mental.
The more we choose to be aware of this the more we will understand the harm that is done when we choose jealousy and comparison.
Jealousy and comparison hurt all – first the one in whom it festers and then the one it is directed at.
I can feel what you’ve shared in my body Gabriele, that when we go into comparison and jealousy our body compresses in on itself, our eyes narrow, our mouth tightens and our shoulders roll in. And yet when we are feeling spacious and joyful our bodies open up, our shoulders drop back, our mouth relaxes and our eyes light up.
We need to set new standards and treat each others with respect and decency first and foremost, the way comparison and jealousy has been circulating for centuries shows how far women have strayed from a connection to their sacredness and divinity, for when this is lived there is simply no room for these unloving ways.
Great call for women to re-connect to their sacredness and release the devastating self criticism along with the comparison and jealousy between women that has dogged us all for so many lifetimes.
It feels like a question of self-worth and the activation of this quality by way of movement, in every moment. With self-worth, there is not ever any comparison, leave alone outright jealousy as we know that every one of us contributes her particular nuance and angle to the all we are but a part of.
I wonder how often we as women do not even question if the thoughts that we have about eachother – the critical judging thoughts – are natural to us as women.
In my experience we don’t question this rubbish and think it’s nornal. But it hurts us first before we hurt others.
Sometimes we judge before we can even think! We look at someone and the judgments are there based on the way they look. But if our attention is with ourselves and the love that we are carrying, when we then receive another person all we see is that love, and judgment doesn’t come into it.
Yes when we hold ourselves in high regard this is what is also reflected to others.
Yes, our beauty is from within, ‘These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost.’
The ‘you’ we have got comfortable with is not who we truly are. We can stay with this familiar tyrant or step into the unknown. The great thing to remember is that underneath it all – we do absolutely know the truth of our essence.
It feels so horrible to be on the receiving end of judgment, and it feels no better when we are the ones who are judging. It is a narrow mindedness that does nothing for anyone, and actually aids in making us very unattractive, which again invites more judgment. If we open our minds and our hearts and keep our focus and attention on ourselves instead of looking out and pointing the finger at others we then have more of a chance of remaining loving and allowing our inner glow which radiates out and invites others to do the same. Why would we want to deny ourselves or others that?
The hardness of the body that comes with judging, whether others or ourselves, is a killer of true beauty, ease and harmony in the body and facial features.
All big issues in the world can only change when we ourselves are going to make this change in ourselves because without living it ourselves first we can never make true change in the world. It is just fooling ourselves that we are doing something when we shout for change in the world if we are not willing to live it ourselves.
Talking the talk doesn’t achieve anything, just more of the same. Walking the talk is what changes everything, by reflection alone.
“It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” beautifully expressed Gabriele, a call to look deeper within at my own self thoughts and judgments which effect my own sense of worthiness.
Everything matters, whether out loud or silently to ourselves – and with the latter, the barbs are particularly vicious and often, unrelenting.
“…It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” Words of Gold. If we carry ourselves with grace there is no room for petty or harsh thoughts to enter, towards ourselves of anyone else.
Very beautiful Gabriele. When we as women live in connection to who we are in essence we realise that we are one and the same, simply expressing our divine beauty, our sacredness through our differently constellated bodies, but all with the equal purpose to reflect the magnificence of who we are. As such how could we ever be in competition, comparison, jealousy with or judge a light that shines in honor of us all.
Nearly, but not quite utopian – meaning that we have a go way to go to get back to where we once were.
Whatever is there in front of me is a reflection, so what I choose to see eg. the beauty (which, as I write I get a sense of this quality comes first) or allow the movement of criticism to then enter, then that is what I choose to see and carry out towards myself. My awareness has deepened, setting a new marker within my body, claiming the truth that to truly love another, I first must love myself.
By what is described in the first instance, it suggests we get a lot out of harming ourselves and each other. Perhaps this is our way of calling in the exact opposite of what is possible to occur between 2 women – absolute support and harmony.
Living the absolute opposite of the innate level of love and nurturing that resides in all women is an attack on ourselves and others. Anything less than offering the grandness of where we are from is living less than we truly are.
It is interesting how we judge beauty from a person’s physical looks, when the true beauty of a person comes from the inside out, it is not until we become at ease with ourselves and truly connect from within that we start to value our own beauty and then the beauty of others can be equally seen and felt so clearly.
The judgment of other women on account of their beauty or lack thereof is a direct reflection of how we judge ourselves. We then compare ourselves with the woman and either put her above or below in these beauty stakes.
I agree Gabriele and it also cements the false ideal that our physicality is merely what life is all about, and only is what determines our worth and value amongst us. When in truth our connection to our essence is where we truly begin to discover who we are and that our beauty emanates though our bodies when we live in honor of this.
And being outwardly beautiful, one’s physique in other words, is then an added bonus and a reflection of the inner depth and not a mere facade with empty eyes, hollow eye sockets, gaunt looks and an air of desperation.
Our internal self-talk can be very damaging, I am sure that pretty much no one has ever spoken to me as rough as I have spoken to myself, so hard and judgemental, I used to kick myself when I was down so to speak a double sabotage…how we are with ourselves is how we are with others….so how responsible are we with our interactions…I would say we need to look at how we are with ourselves first, concerning the quality relationships we have with others.
I love this line: “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in” – it’s true it does start with us, and while we are constantly focusing, or criticising, or comparing to others we are putting off this crucial fact – that change begins with us and our relationship with ourselves.
Not just Women to Women, men do the same to women, to men and Women to men also. There is an inherent lack of appreciation for others and ourselves which in Truth appreciation is a natural part of our relationship with ourselves, the natural soulful state.
We have accepted the constant comparison so much so that we see it as a normal in our lives and cannot see that it actually keeps us away from each other and lonely because even though we might claim someone to be our dearest and best friend, in truth we are in constant competition with each other.
Yes, we need to break through this pattern and start to bring our focus to the sweetness we see in each other and to allow ourselves to build from this truth, in other words let our hearts speak again, otherwise we will forever be lost in the coldness of the many images we think how we need to be.
What is the benefit of all this criticism? There has to be a big benefit, otherwise why engage in such devastating behaviour?
Yes, great question – what is the pay-off for the critical stance, the comparison and the jealousy? Is it that we know that we are capable of great things but choose to forsake them in favour of being comfortable and go unnoticed? And that it is then seemingly easier to blame and critique others rather than ponder on one’s own choices? Is that another choice to stay in comfort and within the bounds of circulation energy?
There is no benefit for our soul Christoph but our spirit has a field day! Identification for the spirit is everything and so what could be better than to see a fellow brother as a competitor and to put them down, how satisfying for the spirit to judge and criticise someone that deep down it knows is simply another aspect of itself. Attack and defend are almost permanent pastimes of our spirit. Our soul on the other hand never enters into any such games as it knows and sees everyone as aspects of the One Unified Self.
We all have done this, measuring another women up in a few seconds, it happens all the time and it feels old and on its way out as women all around the globe are living true to themselves and claiming their sacredness. And as each women returns to herself, we give permission for all other women to claim this for themselves too.
I find when I am not open and honest with myself, this is when I shut myself down from being open with another woman and feeling her essence and who she is. That’s when all the other stuff comes in, like how another looks, what they are doing and comparing.
This was a sobering read as just today I was going through that internal dialogue of criticising others. In this I miss out on being aware of what I bring to the world beautifully so and equally the othe women.
As women – we have a tendency to put each other and ourselves down – but what if we were able to stop this – to say no to the self-abuse and abuse to others. What if we saw women as our equals – as worth celebrating and appreciating just as we are worth it in ourselves.
The chicken and the egg story, but not really. Appreciation of self and self love come first and then we can extend that quality to others, men or women, equally so.
I love that in the simplicity it comes down to us reconnecting to what we were born with, our sacredness, simply honouring and confirming who we are and how we feel inside.
“Would it then be true to say that it is the relentless and brutal self-talk, fuelled by and coupled with the cult of perfectionism that make a woman lash out at other women?” I would definitely say negative self talk makes us compare and be critical about others, really it is simple, love ourselves, adore and honour ourselves and we really have no energy to bitch or judge another – when a women is content within herself she sees only the truth in another.
It is from this equality and from her own self-worth that the critique of others, the need for perfectionism and the comparing and judging disappear.
Our beauty actually comes from the connection and love we have with ourselves and each other. This is what makes us ‘glow’ in a way that makes no one feel less. We need to be aware of the thoughts that we women are fed to keep us apart. Be they critical or admiring of another woman’s features or clothes, it is still diminishing the depth of a woman to her superficial features and dismisses the power of when women connect to the beauty within us all.
Great reminder that even a compliment based on the outer can still be missing the point, the truth of connection and essence.
We always have a choice to appreciate those women in our lives or we can go into judgment or comparison the choice is ours – one choice cements our own negative belief system and one sets us free and allows us to see the divinity and true beauty in ourselves and another.
Beautifully said SCE. Today I went out with a friend who I haven’t had much one on one time with and I felt a little hesitation but then felt how I wanted to really get to know her and be open. Well, that was all that was needed and we had a beautiful day together and I feel like we’ve known each other for years. Appreciating each other eliminates comparison and building anything between two people.
‘Not saying it out loud is still lashing out’.. thanks for bringing attention to this aspect of behaviour, Gabriele. It can be easy to tell ourselves that our thoughts don’t matter and are only felt by us. But our thoughts affect our posture, our movements, how we are in the world, and how we relate to others, and the energetic quality that we all walk around in.
There is so much here I feel pulled to comment on! I love the example you gave of women celebrating each other, not trying to outdo each other but in the lack of comparison which was clearly noticeable. I also appreciate how these little criticisms can live below the surface as our normal internal dialogue, unnoticed and unchecked till we choose to turn a torchlight on it and consider another way.
It is quite astounding what we let slip past as ‘normal’ – first we accept the internal dialogue as normal and then the fact that it is negative and belittling if not outright abusive of self. Really and if we are honest, what is normal about that?
I agree, we would sit up and listen if it was said to another person but we let it slide and then accept it as normal when we say it to ourselves. Shocking and not remotely normal.
Absolutely! I remember at a training session a facilitator had made it her thing to notice her critical inner voice, she forgot her shopping list and her internal critic went on a rampage of how stupid she was for forgetting it, realising how abusive and totally out of proportion to the event was a great illustration of how abusive we are when we go about unchecked. It is so common to us it feels normal until as you say we put a spotlight on it.
We not only accept this behaviour as normal but we seek it out and pay money for it when we buy women’s magazines that are basically full of photos of woman looking and behaving their worst. We choose to read about and if we’re honest feel good about it when someone famous has plastic surgery that goes wrong or when someone famous gets divorced. We’re pretty smug at times and it’s really not pretty.
Hmmmm, yep, it still counts if we don’t say it out loud. And it’s ok that we have those thoughts, because they are basically being fed to us every minute of the day, and the only way to combat them is as you say, to develop appreciation for oneself before we have any real chance to appreciate another for who they are not how they look.
Appreciation of ourselves and each other is the key to comparison, if we appreciate someone the thoughts of comparison or judgement are not there, and if they try to come in, find more to appreciate.
I agree Alison, I have found the more I focus on what I love or appreciate about another the more this grows and expands, but if I focus on the ‘what is not’… well you get more and more of that.
I’ve been paying attention lately to thoughts of comparison and how they want to grab me. I’ve realised I have a choice whether I let these thoughts in. I can then run with them, or I can say no to even begin with. I’m now at the point of looking at how these thoughts even have a way in and what I am doing that allows them in. When I am full with my own appreciation, that can’t help but fill everything so there is no space for thoughts of comparison and it flows over and out and leads to appreciation of others where I can see the utter gorgeousness in people.
I like the words used to describe the qualities of the women. Their qualities come from their essences equally so. For we are all the same in our essence expressing uniquely as a different shape and geometry.
“It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry ” So true Gabriele. If we don’t offer a true reflection of how it can be to live a life as a true woman, the world continues to live in separation and lovelessness.
To let the facade go and just be…. what would it take?? I feel the more I deeply live in connection with myself, the more I live the confidence this way of being offers and the more I hold other women in the same light. As with all change it starts within me.
Reality is that we have created a superficial woman or at least an image of how a woman should look like, act like and be about life… which is utterly false and often the exact opposite of that image is. As being a women with all the qualities that she carries is not defined by an image or outer portrayal. Hence our coming back to what a true woman is is by loosing the images and pictures and bahaviors and patterns that we have been fed with and move on by connecting to our body and gaining trust from the strength of those qualities; understanding and holding of each other in the awareness that we as women and men are totally sacred, holy creatures and that we are big energetic beings that can be aligned to our Soul if we choose so. We have allowed ourselves to live in a way that is so reduced, so small to the actual potential of love (qualities that might differ each person their expression) that we have almost no true vision any more.. Nevertheless, we can choose to claim back who we are and activate that true precious feeling inside us we knew as a small child, where we had no images and roles or identification with the world needs yet. Let’s break the cycle of playing small and grow back big again, just as we were as children.
Women living from their sacredness are a joy to behold. Comparison and jealousy can kick in when we receive this reflection from others but haven’t lived that ourselves. Appreciation is the counter to those ill feelings. It truly works.
I too attended the wedding here written about and the level of love and beauty was palpable. The strength these women brought in the knowing and love of who they are as women was downright SEXY!!!
Being aware of these critical and superficial thoughts it’s a great opportunity to realize how disconnected we are from our body and hence from our essence as women. The women in the wedding that you described Gabrielle are true role models for all as they are rocking the world just by walking in their own natural tenderness and grace. With no need of prove or measure themselves doing anything, they are completely free of the imposed images by society and the neverending perfectionism. Really cool.
It is super inspiring to hear how the bestwoman (which I don’t think is a commonly fulfilled role) was ever so embracing of the groom getting married to someone else again. This is such a beautiful way to for a divorced couple to be with each other and not hold any regret or resentment towards other at the end of their marriage. Shows their love runs deeper than just a formal agreement on paper.
Yes Joshua and is inspiring. There is so much we can learn from connections that run this deeply, supporting ourselves to deal with our hurts and then live the life and the love we are here to live without comparison.
I’ve often reflected on the fact that while there is so much competitiveness, jealousy and keeping each other at bay as women, the complete opposite to this is what women are naturally designed to be. As women we are naturally pulled to support and celebrate each other, to help each other (and all others) blossom.
But a woman can only do this when she has come to this deep knowing of who she truly is within herself.
It amazes and delights me to feel how responsive my body is to certain words. When I read the word ‘blossom’ Katerina I could feel the love that I have in my body for this word. I absolutely adore natures blossoms and I also love the use of the word ‘blossom’ as a verb. It’s very, very beautiful.
I went to an all girls boarding school where this form of gossip and bitchiness was rife. With hindsight I can now see how i meticulously styled myself, choosing to conceal my femininity by dressing in an androgynous way that I knew would take me off the bitching radar. The damage done by this kind of catty behaviour amongst girls/women is devastating, it sets people apart and caps the unique beauty of our natural expression.
The true inner beauty in a woman, when fully expressed is an invitation for every other woman to also shine that beauty without reservation.
As I read your opening statements I could relate to them. Often I have had similar thoughts yet not been consciously aware of the impact that this has on myself or others and how it gets in the way of relationships.
A very revealing and impressive understanding of women and what comparison does to us and how we can change things by simply appreciating and loving ourselves that is very special to feel.
Thanks Gabrielle for sharing this and I agree totally that when we’re harsh and judgmental on ourselves this can seep through into how we look out at other women, so developing the kind of relationship that we have with ourselves is foundational to how we then relate with everyone else.
What we see daily in society is a deeply disturbing picture, women beating themselves up, women gossiping, women being critical of their own looks and the looks of others, women being jealous when another is doing well ….-the list is endless.
It has become our norm to think like this yet it is so far from our truth. Real women have so much to offer one and other. We are all gorgeous it is time to claim it so.
Powerfully shared Gabriele. It is quite disturbing that we as women have chosen to reduce ourselves to dissecting and defining our worth through comparing and judging disconnected body parts. We are missing the point, in fact we are missing the truth that within us all is an incredibly divine sacredness that is not only equal in us all, but is what truly defines who we are as women in this world. And it is from this point, from this truth that we realise that comparison, jealousy and judgement is not real, as it is only a choice to lessen who we essentially are.
Is it possible that the judgment we have of ourselves and other women, the hardening and protection we go into is not so much about the love we let out, but the calculation of how much love we let in?
When we find ourselves going into comparison and jealousy it is us who we are not honouring the beauty and sacredness we hold as women and so to heal, ” It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry “
“It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry” what a beautiful understanding for all women to reclaim our inner beauty and connection and truly appreciate ourselves and live the love we are.
Those insidious thoughts of judgment on another can catch us unawares, if we don’t first make it a priority that this is not ok… and to keep working on it. Valuing and appreciating ourselves is the greatest tool to dissolve those thoughts before they form, then we are more open to seeing the beauty in another.
I love you and your friends honesty here .. very refreshing and enables all of us to be honest about doing this too. Without having this honesty and truly calling all things out like this nothing will ever truly heal. Catching this inner dialogue or judgement around others I feel is a big one for all especially as it can happen in a split second that could be conveniently forgotten about. However, when we do catch it there is no denying it was there and this is when the true healing, understanding and revelation can begin along with us willing to look at how we do this to ourselves as well for if we do this do ourselves (be judgemental and critical) it is a given we will do this to others as well.
Shockingly it’s really relatable what you’ve shared about criticising other women, or if we think they are beautiful comparing our own qualities to their features, height, build and considering how we could change to look like that. The way that we look at ourselves in the mirror and bit by bit criticise our features, our body, hair, lips, eyes, makeup, legs, knees, feet, chest etc. has such a huge impact on our relationship to other women as well as men. If we start the morning with self abuse at home, this kickstarts a day of abuse, criticism and judgement with others and in our head.
Recently I have learnt that when a woman is starting to talk in a mean or dismissive way, there is often in this actually a calling out to those around her as she ultimately just wants to be loved and understood. So, by giving this – love and understanding – the mean words just disappear.
Once I started to look at myself from within by working on the connections to my precious essence things started to change. Still to this day I clock when I am allowing old ingrained patterns and behaviours of going into comparison and jealous sneak in but the more I feel it and see it the more I say that is so not who I am.
Thank you for mentioning those unspoken thoughts. It’s rare these days that I would speak badly of another but there’s certainly quite a few instances where I lash out in my head, and just as you mention it’s often directed at myself. You’ve inspired me to bring more awareness to my thoughts as it’s clear to that even abusive thoughts are harmful.
We do such harm when we sit in judgement of another but to add to that and turn on ourselves too is double the pain for all concerned. When we start to love ourselves first then surely we can see that we are all equally loveable and beautiful.
This sizing up of women is an ugly thing that we seem to do so easily, and yet just reading the words written here I can feel how harming it is. The thing is we can feel these thoughts come from other women even if we do not admit it or notice. What will it take for us to become aware and change our ways, and get to the realisation that there are no such things as hidden thoughts.
I agree Julie. I was not aware in the past but we actually can feel everything and then discern with perspective what is love and what is not to really change the old ways of being with ourselves and others.
Putting it like that makes it crystal clear what a waste of time and preciousness out preoccupation with comparison and jealousy is.
Without comparison, beauty is all around
There is often the stereotype when bringing up children that boys are more aggressive and trouble, but that girls are the ones who gossip, and bitch and hold grudges – and to some extent this is true, while a punch is painful it is quick and in your face, sometimes literally – but with girls at school and growing up into teenage years and adulthood, the back stabbing, whispering and rumour spreading that can go one between women is just as painful and in some ways more damaging because it is insidious and long lasting. But is this a natural character trait, or a symptom of the fact that women is living far away from who they truly are and therefor are not interacting with each other with love and support but from competition and comparison
Every time I walk into a room of women the first thing we do is look each other up and down and clock every thing the other is wearing. We think the other is not noticing but we all notice what the other is doing. It is quite comical really.
We are not at all like that in truth but that is often how we have learned to behave. Unlearning that behaviour feels very yummy in the body when we appreciate each other lovingly, it can be felt deep down in our particles, in every glowing molecule of the body.
“living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost.’
Women who do this bring a healing to everyone, inspire every other woman in this world to be in their own sacredness and give men the opportunity lo live the truth of being in a male body: action in tenderness.
The moment we have those thoughts of comparison or jealousy we have to look at where we have backed off and contracted away from the beauty and love we are part of. When we back off, something else will take its place, feeding every possible insecurity there is.
Yes, and the question is why we would amplify them?
What we women do to each other by comparison and jealousy is so harming for our bodies. It gives me the perfect excuse to not be in my sacredness and not lead the way for men to be the true tender beings they are.
We are not born critical, we learn it, we adopt this way of being. The truth is, we all want the judgement to stop, deep down we want to be loved, just as we are but in order for us to love others, just as they are, we must learn to love yourselves, until then, all the loathing we think is only directed at ourselves continues to come out onto others.
To value and accepting ourselves as women in our stillness and essence allows such a beauty to shine and to see this in other women also, It is the appreciation of this that is very beautiful and inspiring .The quality in way we move speaks so much and offers a reflection and imprint on earth for all women and men also .
We are diminished every time we are critical whether of ourselves or others, it is a horrible feeling and compounds, leaving us like a deflated balloon. The commonality of this behaviour is rife however this is changing with more and more becoming aware of how poisonous it is, and with love, observing and letting go such behaviours.
As many have attested here appreciation fills the balloon and it then lifts up, joining all others that also are filled with appreciation – a bunch of balloons, a feast for the eyes and a reflection of joy for the heart.
Being critical is poisonous, to ourselves first and foremost and to others as well; it also has nothing to do with being discerning and astute – and that is always of the energy that is coming through us.
Comparison is poisonous, there is unlikely to be one of us women who has never let a thought like that come into her head, either putting herself below or above another….we poison ourselves and our relationships whenever we indulge in these thoughts, they are well worth observing and questioning, no need to be hard on ourselves, some observation and changes of habit is all that is required. And the biggest support of all, learning to hold ourselves in love, it naturally unfolds that we hold all others in love also.
I agree Gabrielle much effort is expended through ‘money, sweat and competition’ and yet our true beauty as women is something that comes from within when we appreciate our true qualities.
I heard someone say “I am a failure” recently, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. This is not truth that was expressed, but there is honesty in what was being felt. I ask myself do I feel this way sometimes, and yes I do when I compare myself with the pictures I have held onto of what it means to be successful. I now find it hilarious as the pictures I hold of what makes me successful, or what makes me stand out or be recognised is a prison I have held myself in, as it almost certainly makes me fail, as pictures are an ideal that we can never always uphold, and following them will never lead us to the truth. So when I feel that I have failed, there is actually so much to appreciate, as I have allowed myself to step out from this self-constructed prison, and to further surrender and LIVE.
The beauty of imperfection is a great revelation once we drop our ideals and beliefs.
I can completely understand how this happens and rarely do we see ourselves simply appreciating each other. I see people giving each other compliments but rarely are we in full appreciation of each other for just being who we are. We will at times celebrate achievements or prizes or time spent dedicated to something but when was the last time you turned to someone and just appreciated them for being them. It feels like we are quick to critique and perhaps this is all we have known and so it becomes an automated response and so what if the only way to turn this around was to gain momentum another way, an appreciation way. I love the direction of this article as it holds this appreciation with it and this is a direction worth heading as the other road only leads to more of it’s critical self.
I put my hands up, I have done this an dI have felt this done to me…”…has become second-nature for women to size each other up, put each other under the microscope and relentlessly list all the perceived shortcomings.” It can only come from a lack of self worth to want to measure and compare ourselves against another woman.
It is a great start to know that we are not born critical of other women and ourselves so when we are expressing like this we are not ourselves and have to look at moving and holding ourselves in a different more loving way.
What you have shred here Gabriele is very true. Something that I have also observed in myself and other women as well is that we will say use our intelligence as an example to override how we feel about ourselves. Almost like making up for something that we don’t have. Now I know we have natural abilities in some areas more than others and that is to be expected. After all we can’t all be great at everything. But its skilfully using this ability, to ignore how we are feeling about our bodies. I know I always felt I wasn’t intelligent and spend many years doing courses and collecting qualifications various modalities, so that I could say I was enough. No matter how many certificates I had, I still didn’t feel I was enough. Getting to know who we are, and deepening that connection has been the only thing that allows me to say now that I am enough, before I do anything and even better I am no less a person for making a mistake. Much to appreciate here.
The real beauty of appreciating ourselves and the emanation and joy of appreciating others from here is very lovely to feel and without this deep love it allows a comparison with others and a roller coaster effect of lack of self worth and destruction and it is very beautiful to see this.
It sure does start from the inside. If I think less of a part of my body than the first thing I do is compare it to another’s. For example after I had a baby and my hair got thin, I started comparing other women’s hair. Crazy but the second I don’t appreciate myself there is an opening for jealousy and comparison that does not need to be there.
When we move from our sacredness we are beholding of all and the quality of energy then expressed from this way of being is at polar opposites with the judgement and or comparisons women can fall into. I have found that when we move from reaction, comparison or judgement we are cutting ourselves at the knees, because it then begs me to ask what energy are we then moving in? Sacredness is multi-dimensionality and the opportunity to hold all, express all and connect with all from one unified place and that is pretty exquisite.
Well put – we are cutting ourselves off at the knees when we come from comparison, jealousy and judgment; that is a very apt description of what happens when we are not ourselves and let that energy take over.
Nice. Well put.
Beautiful what a great sharing of the true grace and amazingness that women really are. Connected to our sacredness and being together from this place of oneness and harmony from within we can share our true purpose together joyfully.
I think as women we have really built ourselves a bad name when it comes to the way we treat other women and other people, it’s not natural for another women to compete or criticise another woman in any way yet it’s become normal, what if we were to take a stance against these kind of harmful behaviours and not allow them in our lives in any capacity, instead choosing for our lives to be a quality we can be proud of and that sets a new standard for what is acceptable in the world today.
Sizing another up is a form of protection which reduces another to a very small aspect of who they are and far away from the potential of who they are.
I love the way you pinpoint the ugly reductionism in the act of sizing up another; it is pure and unadulterated abuse.
Comparison is the death to sacredness, just as appreciation is its resurrection. It is only when we truly value the reflection of another and also that of ourselves that we will truly arrest the ill momentum that has incarcerated us for so long.
We have a clear choice – to appreciate and love ourselves to the bone and to bring our deep worth to the fore or we can join in circulating a false notion of who we are, and therein undermine the worth of all women by our lack of appreciation and confirmation of all that we as women are and bring.
We as women hold tremendous amount of sacredness and beauty within each, when connected to this sacredness, there is nothing to compare, only celebrate.
it is so beautiful being around women who truly support and celebrate each other
I always felt that women were more humane but then came to a place run by women (with a man in overall charge, though not involved in management) and this particular place was just as bad as their male-run equivalents. There are differences between the gender but I am not sure if either is better, they just have different strengths and weaknesses.
Great piece Gabriele, and as you say it’s in our hands, to start with ourselves, our own internal chatter and to ensure that it deeply honours us and that anything which undermines us is cut and not given any energy with the understanding that this is not us, now who we are and to give anything like this air, demeans and degrades us and all around us. We have the power to build appreciation in what we give focus to.
Well said.
“Are women really like that? Are real women like that?” — and what happens as a result of the less than sisterly way of being?? — well as i’ve seen and experienced comparison uglifies and appreciation beautifies all a woman is.
Precise and to the point – comparison is destructive to whom it is coming from as well as the recipient of it.
We observe people all the time and for some reason our tendency is to be critical of others or critical of ourselves in comparison. What a difference it makes when are appreciate each other.
Whatever the process, it will always start on the inside, because this is the only place which we change can happen.
From very young we are fed to compare and measure each other looking outside ourselves for confirming we are more or less beautiful. The one thing we have to do is like you say Gabrielle to start connecting with what lives inside, our sacredness and feel the beauty we all are.
When we are in comparison with another we are not appreciating the depths of our inner beauty and when we don’t do this for ourselves, we cannot possibly see that same beauty in another.
I often find myself looking at other people (including people who consider themselves to by ugly) and observing how truly beautiful they are. If we can’t appreciate ourselves we can find it quite confronting when another person does. We are ALL beautiful.
Equally as ugly and inhumane indeed – as are all comparison, jealousy, better than, worse than and the list goes on. They are adopted behaviours and don’t reflect our true innateness.
The beautiful wedding scenario that you shared with us sounds absolutely amazing, but it unfortunately is a scenario that would not happen very often in the society we live in where comparison and jealousy is rife. But it is a scenario that ought to be normal in our lives, and if there is any opportunity for it to become our normal, we will all need to begin to make loving changes in our lives; changes that will then ripple on out into the world and maybe touching a wedding or two on the way.
Those loving choices will touch every interaction, every conversation and every look.
One of the realisations that I have had is just because something is common in our society such as how women see themselves and see each other, doesn’t mean that this way or approach is true. Your example of the wedding you wen tot Gabriele really shows how women can be with themselves and then together and how supporting and nurturing it can be.
I love the thumnail sketch of the three women you describe. Super inspiring!
The ‘Cult of Perfection’ is such a damaging way to live, so many young girls grow into adulthood believing that they are not good enough, ugly, unworthy, and are not encouraged to see the absolute beauty that is in all of us. I recently attended a Girl to Woman Festival and it was so beautiful to watch the young girls appreciating the way they were being accepted and celebrated for their natural beauty.
The phase that jumped out at me as I read through this blog was ” the cult of perfectionism “. The other word that immediately came to me was the curse of perfectionism as we curse ourselves by wanting to look a certain way and be a certain way when in truth we are absolutely glorious just the way we are. This curse that we put on ourselves can last for lifetimes and is lifted when we come to accept ourselves in full.
How beautiful to read about the true nature of women, and how there are now so many women who are not accepting the old status quo’s and who bring all of themselves to life and to us.
So simply put – when we are connected to our inner essence and truly appreciate all that we bring, then we can value ourselves and others. The minute we don’t appreciate we replace it with comparrison.
I love your description of real women Gabriele . . . . “They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition” . . .the more real women the more we are all on the path of returning to who we truly are.
There is so much we need to take responsibility for in the way we interact, with our selves and with one another. When we express our true grace it quite simply bowls everyone over, nothing is more beautiful, gracious or wise.
True women and who we are in connection to ourselves is very beautiful to feel as shared here so simply and the way to live this and something that will support us all in the world . “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves. “
Gives new meaning to the term silent and deadly.
When a woman does choose to live from the sacredness within her, she is literally untouchable by self-crtitiquing thoughts and judgments. She knows who she is and why she is here. This is what we need to rekindle within us as women and live with – in our relationships with ourselves and others. It is the entire opposite of what we have settled for – the expectation that we will be sized up and derided by another woman, is in fact the most unnatural thing for a woman to do. And yet it is so pervasive because we have walked away from this sacredness which is our most natural way of being.
And in that we are al the same; what comes through us determines our movements.
What you share, I am sure to say, we have all experienced as women. The constant self-critique, internal bashing and the sizing up of others. To be on the receiving end of both types is far from pleasant, but if we are truly to change this dynamic with ourselves and others the 1st step as you say, Gabriele is to begin with ourselves.
I find the negative internal dialogue comes from me choosing to live disconnected from myself first and then these unloving thoughts follow. I am learning to be aware of every moment, how connected I am with myself, my movements and thoughts impacts on everything.
“These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost.” What a contrast to what we have been led to believe it is to be a woman in the world today. A simple, no nonsense approach, that takes away the pressure of being something that we are not, but rather choosing to be living and breathing all that we are.
The pressure and expectation to be something we are not keep us, by choice, in subjugation – to the outside world and vis-a-vis ourselves. And that chasm hurts and means we are living in denial of our essence.
Women honestly sharing and connecting from their experiences and explorations of the world, shows a gorgeous reflection to others of what being a women means and how our sacredness really does hold all as equal. I have also found the more we value and confirm our own unique qualities, we gain a greater understanding of others and critique and judgement simply melts away because I see others as pure inspiration and connecting and learning from other women is a real honour.
‘it starts on the inside’ – This is the complete opposite of what we’re used to in society today… If there’s a problem, issue or an emotion comes up, it becomes a challenge to look for and locate the mistake that has lead to this, but what if there was a lesson to be learnt from every situation and actually looking at how our INSIDE quality changed is the key to determining what fuelled the situation.
I agree Susie. We too readily dive for the external factor, whereas the real way to address any issue starts with regarding our inner quality, choices and decisions well before we point a finger at the outside world. This does not mean being self critical, but observing our choices in order to bring more love, honesty and integrity to the situation and when we do, miracles happen.
I think we’ve all experienced that dialogue where we criticise another, and it’s important to understand that we ourselves have to choose to close the door to these thoughts and dialogues and the more we care for ourselves and the more we cherish who we are the more our ability to cherish ourselves the more capable we are of caring for and cherishing another person, and from that point of care the less likely we are to ever entertain these thoughts.
I love what you observed in the women at the wedding: “these women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost.”
Having spent a few hours at a group with women who are dedicated to deepening their understanding, awareness and appreciation of such qualities, I was touched by the stories shared by different people, at time I was moved to tears, at time I understood myself or aspect of life more deeply and at times my whole being filled with joy. It did not matter where in the scale of development each of us where, all it took for each person to be willing to be truly themselves and speak from their heart.
We can be a huge source of inspiration, support and learning for one another.
How inspiring that the ex wife of the groom walked him down the isle….this is surely a rare occurrence, and one that asks us to take a moment to stop and consider the depth of healing that must have occurred in their realtionship in order for them to be able to get to this point in their lives.
Who we really are as women is far from how we project ourselves in society and the world to day and how amazing it is that a group of women are starting to live making a difference by being their true selves with each other as you share so beautifully
” it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.”
As women we are all so deeply deeply tender and sensitive, we know what is going on and we know in our core that we deserve to be adored. Yes that is often not our experience so we harden over time, yet this exquisite delicate, sacred place is still there inside it can never ever be lost.
No doubt about our responsibility as women here. No one who feels amazing about themselves, with who they are, compares or critics another person. What happens in the head is the same as what comes out of the mouth, we all feel it. And what often we do not realise is that these comparisons denigrate ourselves when we attack another, so both parties are lessened , separated and not supported. Time make a shift of focus and look to nurture the woman within and take responsibility for our weakness’s and strengths and really celebrate what unites us.
Comparison and jealousy are deadly. When, we are not honest with ourselves when we have it, we can put up all kind of barriers towards others that can be pernicious and destructive.
Wow it really is frightening how mean women can be to one another, I experienced that many times working in schools where as a man I listened to the bitching and was always relieved how easy i got it in comparison.
Women do know the preciousness of being with each other, but this does not change the fact that we do hurt each other often, and we are not ourselves too. But why? Why do we know something but we are unable to live the love that we know of ourselves? The missing link is in first loving ourselves. Self-love and self-care and the depth of this sets the foundation of how we will be with each other.
Those awful thoughts that we have about ourselves and other women are worth being honest about because if we are honest and aware we can do something about it. Over the last few years I’ve begun to appreciate the beautiful qualities of women and bring far more understanding to the people in my life (myself included). I’m in awe of how much richer life becomes when we appreciate rather than denigrate.
Denigration, cynicism and fatalism are very narrow prison cells that provide a forever spiralling down vortex of misery and entrapment. Its intellectual expression is then scepticism.
“And before you think you’re off the hook, not saying it out loud is still lashing out as we castigate and chastise ourselves before we do it to another” – !!! quite Gabriele, a thought is as harmful as what is voiced because both of them are energy being expressed.
Before we can see the beauty in others we first have to connect to our own beauty, a beauty that resides deep within and when we do there is no desire to criticise another for we see their inner radiant beauty too.
Women sometimes think men are the ‘enemy’ but women can be very destructive of each other and then there is the ‘enemy within’, our own thoughts of judgement and self criticism.
This is certainly in many cases the rule, rather than the exception – how frequently as women we undermine ourselves and each other and are quick to cast a gaze of critique, criticism and denigration… how we measure ourselves all too readily on pictures and harsh standards we must attain rather than surrender to all that we already, innate are. How different things will look if women love, honour and appreciate ourselves and offer others inspiration and support to express truth rather than a loveless false that holds no one.
It’s a mischevious and sometimes difficult to understand world we live in- why are there behaviours which play out like this between people? And why does self doubt exist as if it is an ocean which is surrounding us and effecting us to a deep level? One observation that comes to me is that when i have been in the presence of people speaking in ways which are down playing each other and comparing/judging it’s as if the person isn’t actually saying it – because they are disconnected with themselves it is coming through them but not really them. What I truly see is people saying “I am hurt and this brings up something for me to feel which I don’t want to deal with at the present moment”
Also what happens is if things are going super well and/or you just got your dream job, your (supposedly) best girlfriend doesn’t say a word. No congratulations or celebration. I am learning to read the energy and have a celebration party of one!! … me myself and I
Thoughts of comparison or jealousy just never enter a body that is full of its own grandness and love because when your in this, you feel every other woman around you as equally this, no question.
In the flow of life, such energy of comparison, doubt or denigration have no room to enter, let alone foster… it pays to live in full our true essence and to surrender to all that we naturally are.
I love this description of women who are deeply connected to their essence: “These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost”
I have been inspired by such women beyond words to start to appreciate myself and be more loving and supportive of others. Such role models are the ones that ought to be on magazines and billboards.
The more we connect to and appreciate our own beauty from the inside out the more we learn to see and feel the beauty in others.
Beautiful Elizabeth. How different the world would be if we were in constant appreciation and confirmation of our and each others beauty.
What a beautiful sharing offering the opportunity for women to change and bring out and live who we really are with each other and getting rid of the unpleasant ways held onto and not from us. “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.”
Such a difference between having an opportunity to shine and using that to inspire others to feel the beauty in themselves vs taking the opportunity to compete and make sure you have the nicest dress or the best looking x, y or z.
It can be deeply shocking to notice the things that run through our heads sometimes. And if we choose to run with these thoughts we end up playing an ugly game. Knowing that these thoughts do not come from our true inner beauty plays an enormous part in helping us to let them go, and we ca choose instead to honour and appreciate ourselves and other women.
Great to nominate the characteristics that are not part of our divine qualities as a women and realise that we are MUCH more than what we have perceived ourselves to be. Once we have let go of all that is not true, we will change the world forever, how powerful are we. Is it no wonder we allow these energies that are not us to come through us… we are afraid of our own power!
What I can see being introduced here is not only the fact that as women we do have these kind of behaviours between us and how important it is to be honest about it, but also that perhaps it is time that we really started calling this out for what it is and to venture beyond the realms of what we comfortably know and in to a grander more whole and loving way of life with each other.
It is so cool to talk about this – the judgement and bitchiness between women that is commonplace and how we all know that this is not how we truly want to relate to one another.
I agree Matilda, it is best to have it all out in the open and, of course not a single women I know wants to run with this energy, as it makes them feel sh… about themselves. I remember when I was jealous of another woman, the rage I felt was awe full, I directed it at her, but soon realised it was me and my choices in life, that I was so angry about, it ravaged my body and my being.
It is so lovely to be around women who celebrate our beingness, and we need to appreciate and celebrate ourselves every day, focusing on the qualities we bring and not just our achievements
It is gorgeous being reminded that all the unloving behaviours that we may be displaying is never a random twist of character that we have no control on, but simply due to our lack of true connection and appreciation of ourselves. It makes it so very simple and easy to work with and address.
Also what I really love is that this insight offers the understanding that when we see such display in another, the best way to facilitate a turn around of the situation is maintaining our natural loving expression, and by reflection supporting others to also connect to their true essence.
Once we don’t express love – I wonder how important it is whether we are being nice or aggressive or acting behind one’s back. There are major differences between these items but none of them are love and even the better ones need correcting.
I used to work in a place for the summer season and for years it would be a mix of men and women. The management decided it was more lucrative to have women behind the bar and changed thier employment choices resulting in an all women bar staff. The dynamic changed what had been quite a playful, relaxed atmosphere changed to a lot of comparison, competition and bitching, it was shocking to see the difference. Of course women do not need to be this way and are not always this way, but it is telling and useful to observe how women really are together. And this is why there is much we can do as women to change the ineqaulities we encounter, we have a lot of power at our fingertips just in choosing how we are with one another.
Comparison is a killer, and as women it is really something that we must learn to ditch and let go of in order to actually enjoy the inspirations that we can get from many other women. As women we actually have an amazing capacity to be together in a strength that permits us to share our wisdom and our love and care and other amazing qualities. Our true way of relating is to be together and celebrate and support each other, and it is time for us to recall this, and to bring this back to women’s relationships in general. This may in itself take time, not because it is hard for us to do, but simply because in the process we may get to see all the ways we have fallen for relationships with women that are not necessarily supportive. But the change is at hand the moment we choose to bring this into our lives.
In general, we are not at all supportive of other women but go into comparison and competition with them. It is not natural and what goes out does not only have to have an existence inside first but comes back and thus we keep building and fortifying our own entrapment. This is not the way it needs to be and it is up to us to nominate and change it.
Connecting with a naturally occurring stillness within is the best decision I have made in life, it supports me everyday as a woman to be steady and confident. I feel beautiful with this connection and that cannot age, it is a sacred eternal expression.
Sent from my iPhone
“They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired..” how beautiful Gabriele, there is nothing more beautiful that the within shining out through the eyes.. they shower such depth and magnitude with the spark of eternity.
A woman’s true beauty definitely comes from within first, and then her every movement not only confirms her exquisite beauty and grace, but those that are there to either enjoy and be inspired by, or if not holding their own equal beauty, can go into comparison or self judgement.
Gabriele I love what you share here and such an important conversation to be starting, as I am sure all women can relate to this blog in someway. I have found building the love and appreciation for myself has been key to deepening the relationship with myself, and to notice how this beautifully supports the relationships I have with other women knocking out any comparison or jealously that gets in the way of a true connection with another.
Relationship with and appreciation and deep love of oneself precedes anything we want to live on the outside, with others.
Breaking the cycle of brutality is an essential choice we each make. We can’t leave it up to someone else to do it for us, we are part of the pool of consciousness so we have to choose to break our part.
That is a deeply significant point Sandra. Every single one of our choices actually feeds the pool of consciousness we are all a part of. If we observe something we know ought to change, it is completely up to us to start the turning of the tide.
With awareness we have the opportunity to support a ripple effect of decency, respect and love with our intentions, rather than a flood of ill thoughts that hurt and harm. I know what I’d prefer to be washed with.
Tainted by the world and the messages that abound, so many women are living far from the truth of who they are and as such are capable of behaviours that don’t reflect their true beauty and grace. In true connection and honour of who we are none of that is possible… but it is our responsibility to live that connection.
‘It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in …’ every time we choose to be anything other than the sacredness that we are, we dishonour ourselves and every other woman.
I love this .. ‘These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost.’
What I love about this blog is the honesty it’s bringing – exposing what’s really going on and asking us to deeply considering how we are actually treating each other, even with our unspoken thoughts, just because we don’t verbalise them doesn’t mean they are not felt, they are and they cause enormous hurt, which then perpetuates the whole cycle. The answer is self-love and appreciation, the more we connect with our own divinity and appreciate how amazing we actually are, we recognise that all women hold the same quality deep within and it’s from this place that we can choose to meet each other, in love.
Brilliant blog, Gabriele, such an important conversation to be having. Far better to be talking openly about the ugly thoughts that may pass through our minds rather than bottling them up inside and trying to pretend that they are not there. I feel the reason women are far more critical of each other than we are of men is quite primal, we are competing with each other for the attention and affection from men. There is or has been a deep lack of self worth for many women, as we have bought into the false ideals and beliefs about how we are ‘meant’ to be, which, of course, we can never live up to. The whole charade, however, has just allowed us to move further and further away from our true, sensual, gorgeous selves and we have fallen into some very negative patterns of behaviour, such as comparison, jealousy, judgment, to make us feel better about ourselves, when in truth, we are separating even further away from our divine essence. There is nothing more precious than being able to look into the eyes of another woman, deeply connecting with her innate beauty and openly expressing whatever is there to share, no holding back – a loving sharing of truth equally treasured by both parties. This is a reflection of who we truly are as women.
When women are truly honouring of their sacredness and the sacredness of other women, boy oh boy is there a power that we have rarely seen… the complete opposite of all the ugliness of how woman currently interact whether consciously said and done or not. A power of love, tenderness and sassiness!
Very true, Joshua, when we step away from our sacredness as women we are fuelling the already rife disharmony that exists in our world, when we have the power to do the exact opposite.
I love the way you described the three women, it shows how we all have an innate beauty and that it can be expressed in many ways, yet no one is less than the other.
Very beautifully expressed Gabriele, and I am sure something that all women will recognise once their attention is brought to it. So often that judgmental internal dialogue is running without our being conscious of it, it is such an ingrained habit. Where does it spring from? I can remember being critical of other girls when I came into puberty, the time I began to feel shy and inadequate, but also in comparison and competition with my sisters from a very young age. We are born this gorgeous little bundle of love with none of this, but around us are others reacting to each other in competitive and critical ways, and even if it is not expressed outright, as babies our senses are alive and we can feel the energies around us. The world around us invades and influences and it seems like a matter of survival to join in. But why for girls more than boys? Could it be that the suppression of women’s freedom to be who they truly are over the centuries has created this attitude of them being lesser, and therefore there is a need to defend themselves in this way? It is time to expose all this, bring it to the light to be cleared that women may claim back their true birthright, to live true to themselves, from their inner light, with no need to perform, attract, impress, be perfect for anyone else.
When you pan out to the macro view there is no individuality at all, we are all the One united glorious body of God, which makes the ugly business of competitiveness, jealousy and criticism totally and utterly absurd because in truth there is actually only One of us!
The really awful thing about the way we are as women is that we have done it to ourselves.
Yes, we have nobody else but ourselves to point the finger at for compromising and reducing ourselves to caricatures.
Agreed Gabriele and yet one thing that women have made into a fine art is blaming others.
Gabriele you have raised what is perhaps one of the topics that most affects women and yet one that is largely ignored. As women we use invisible scythes to cut one another down and the effect is nothing short of devastating, not only on the women that we hack down but on ourselves. Through my own investigation into the subject, I can say that I have been judgemental and critical of other women as a direct result of the fact that I have reduced myself to a pea sized representation of who I truly am i.e. if I am not shining then I sure as hell don’t want anther to shine. And this I am sure of, as now that I am returning to my former glory, the lifelong emotions of comparison and jealousy, combined with the habit of criticism are now all but gone. And what a blessed relief it is. Finally.
Appreciating ourselves and what we bring is the first step in being able to appreciate other women and what they reflect to each other, if jealousy and comparison arises this provides an opportunity to look deeper into ourselves and feel what is needed for our healing.
We have a full length mirror at the end of the hall corridor in our house. I noticed the other day that whenever I walk towards it and turn into the bedroom, I am looking critically at the size of my stomach to see if it’s flat or not. It’s always not flat because stomachs are very rarely if ever flat – they have a beautiful curve to them – and yet in my head I am holding myself to an ideal that is unattainable. So then the damning and self critical thoughts come in – all when I’m just walking down the hallway to my own bedroom. It devastating to feel how awful we can be to ourselves. The great thing is that once we’re aware of it, we can do something about it and choose to appreciate ourselves instead.
This is a great exposure of how we can behave Gabriele, or how we as true women can be. There is a huge contrast here to feel, how I certainly know I have behaved in the past, and also know within me what the true woman is. I love your comment “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in” .. this is the start to focus on to make a change.
The beauty of a women being in their sacredness described here is amazing to feel and know and in so much contrast to the way women are living today with the comparison and judgment felt from the lack of self worth and esteem of not living in connection to our very essence and being from the inside . The wedding you share and the grace and sacredness offered is a very powerful inspiration for us all women.
It’s true that men have been a part of the subjugation of women, but also true to acknowledge the part women play themselves in their own inequality through the cat fighting and jealousy that abounds. It changes everything when you find a group of women honestly supporting each other. In that state of being the power of women is more easily displayed, and as a man that is something I love to see and that our communities definitely need. Men have lost our way, could it be that strong independent self caring, nurturing women could help bring us back.
Women are definitely equally as responsible – possibly even more so through totally selling out and continuously compromising.
Comparison is such a toxin and poison that we allow in our bodies. The momentum of it can be very strong and for many women, the sizing up and measuring is what we have always known. Even being honest we do it, can be confronting. Yet we have to get honest as until we do and until we drop it, we will remain in separation and love will be shut out.
On the one hand “rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry” or on the other hand selling out to “the brutality of our created images” and using them to judge ourselves and others. I know which one I prefer. Thank you for the clear distinction.
Men have always been a bit primal and shallow when looking a woman, could have been values and beliefs we chose? It has taken time but we are slowly evolving. But, woman and the look! I commute on the London underground and no one is allowed to talk, have eye contact or interact with others… I don’t know why! The interesting part of now knowing about the look is watching other women doing the look at others. By watching their eye movements you can see what they are comparing; face, shoes, bag, nails, hair and the list goes on. They watch with the intensity of being alone in a room and watching someone sleeping. This goes unnoticed on the tube… but is clearly felt.
Thank you – we all notice it but decide to join in or turn the other way, as needed and when we think it is our turn. It adds to the toxic soup that is called the daily life we paddle around in , elbows out and chin forward and up.
‘It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.’ Very powerfully expressed Gabriele.
It saddens and makes my heart feel heavy when I see women bitching about and comparing with each other. You don’t see very young children do that do you, so when does it start? I realise that this behaviour is only because of a lack of connection with the love within ourselves which leads to a lack of respect and honouring of others – so do we blame parents, teachers, the media , magazines, peer pressure or just work on reclaiming that connection through the reflection of women who are living as true women such as Natalie Benhayon who live in such a way that encompasses everyone and holds them in absolute equality. True love really cuts through all the lies, illusions and falsities of the world which WE have created and must take responsibility for, and then we can begin to turn it around.
I find it interesting to read about those 2 experiences. The first one is when we denigrate ourselves as women, the second one is when we are free of judgement and denigration, which is our true self. Living our true purpose to be the amazing women and persons we are, to deeply self care and self nurture, to follow or awareness, all this contributes to the healing of false images andpictures we carry in us concerning ourselves and other women.
When we take respectful care and responsibility for ourselves we totally change our approach and attitude to life and others… for me this makes sense of prioritising self care and self awareness.
“And if this is true – is it then not very clear where we need to start? It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside” – the simple choice to simply choose to love [not pampering to beautify] ourselves is the choice to love the gender and woman we are, and so too thus our fellow sisters too. This effect is truly beautifying.
The three women mentioned in this blog are living in honour and connection to their inner most and because of this emanate that inner beauty from the inside out.A feature that is key to living without images or abusive thoughts.
These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost. Absolutely Gabriele, when sacredness is held within a woman and expressed through her movements, there is only a deep well of love and wisdom that comes forth in the most beautifully holding way that every woman naturally knows and holds, and then feels impulsed to align to.
Women have been ruined by pictures – we have lost our connection to our sacredness through striving to fulfill false images, rather than holding our own inner beauty and wisdom for the sacredness it is, and reflecting this for others to also recognise it in themselves.
“It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry…” to bring this to all women and to everyone – the world so needs our reflections of sacredness.
Yes. The world so needs us all acknowledging, accepting and living our true qualities, sharing our strengths and being inspired by each other’s.
Thank you for sharing what a true woman is – so very different from the roles of comparison and jealousy that we can easily go into with each other. I used to dress each morning knowing that only women would be the ones analyzing and criticizing my clothes because I did it to others. It is a culture that doesn’t need to be there however – and it is possible to see the equal beauty in all women.
I used to dress down because I could not stand the aloofness I went into when dressing up – I didn’t’t know another way and just gave up. Decades later I understood, through the support of Esoteric Women’s Health and the presentation by Natalie Benhayon, that I need to treasure, cherish and nurture the beauty in me first and foremost.
There is such a stark contrast between the brutality of comparison and judgement versus the honouring of another woman for their sacredness.
Yes, sadly we are like that – but not in truth. We’re like that by default, because we’ve disconnected from who we really are, and from who we all really are. And until we learn to let the comparison and judgement go, it will be ever so.
“it seems as though it has become second-nature for women to size each other up, put each other under the microscope and relentlessly list all the perceived shortcomings.” – I love the honesty of this comment, but it is a valuable observation for it shows us what we might do that we know does not sit right with us as women – so why do we not then take a stop moment and instead of the criticism and comparison, look at all the qualities that this person is offering us, the things that they bring that are inspiring to us and that we can learn from? Now this would be a different way of working with relationships with women (or men for that matter), and would put an end to the comparison as we look at it from a perspective of appreciation.
It is true, everybody brings a certain quality, brings some inspiration and a different angle and that we need to appreciate.
I can’t exactly remember how I got here, but this is a fascinating post and although I feel a little like a gate crasher, I feel compelled to comment. I love what Gabriele is saying and your comments are interesting. But, the ‘evil’ that Carmel refers to is predominant in both sexes, so I think you may be a little hard on yourselves. Women have had centuries of grooming and manipulation from men it’s going to take while before your sacredness is completely recognised. I just hope I’m still around when it happens 😀
I appreciate your comment – and yes, while it is true that women have been manipulated and groomed for centuries, I have to say that it is equally true that we (women) have allowed it; in short, it takes two to tango. Would you agree?
I can agree to the point that people only do to you what you allow them to do, but that is a 20th/21st century concept. Going back for centuries when those deemed ‘witches’ by the Church included all female scholars, priestesses, gypsies, mystics, nature lovers, herb gatherers were burned simply to establish the ‘male’ as the dominant being, leaves quite a legacy. Of course you (women) had your own manipulators such as Marquise of Montespan who practically ruled France by manipulating King Louis 14th? I think. He had a number anyway. But I love what you are trying to do and wish you success, you (women) deserve it 😀
I was at a wedding yesterday and allowed myself to feel what was happening as women checked each other out in their wedding outfits. There was a ‘look’ that I observed women using that had comparison, judgement and jealousy written all over it. What shocked me most was that this look was familiar – one I too have used. I love what you share here Gabriele about rediscovering and claiming our sacredness – so, so true and from there we can all support and inspire each other.
“They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.” An amazing reflection for all women and the inspiration needed to allow us as women to claim and honour our own sacredness and glory and live who we are unashamedly.
“the bride wasn’t there to outshine or out-glamour any other woman – but truly shiny and glowing she was, just like she usually is” – how beautiful Gabriele, and how I would have loved to have seen a photo of the event with all the women in their natural beauty. There is such deep beauty in every woman/each of us no matter the outer look/our physical looks…because ‘the look’ is made up from the inner true quality inside that’s being turned-on and in full blasted bloom!
It might be challenging for some but building self worth from connecting with your inner most, with the inner beauty that resides there, will make the need for comparison and self bashing to fade away an make place for that inner self worth that will shine from any angle for whoever wants to meet it. A way of being that does not need any comparison or whatsoever.
When we are connected to exquisite delicateness and sacredness within, there is no way we would want to entertain dishonouring thoughts and actions towards ourselves, toward other women and in fact any other human being.
Very interesting observations you portrayed here in all your honesty. It is so true that you see the competition in women being about looks, not appreciating the beauty and stillness they all bring in their very own way.
I appreciate this feedback from a man, thank you Benkt. From the outside, it must look and feel rather ridiculous – but then again, men play their part in this devastation as well, i.e. when they are guided by the looks of a woman in the many ways that this can plays out.
That is a great point Gabriel, thank you for bringing this in. I feel that which is going on is played along with by everyone, what is going on for women is for us all to look at in how we feed the behaviours.
A very striking way to describe the environment we create if we let go of our known and true beauty, for the sake of “the brutality of our created images”.
The photograph illustrates very well the way some women can be when they talk about other women, quietly, on the side, and it doesn’t feel nice at all. I have caught myself in the past gossiping in a derogatory way and it is pure evil. We women can support each more more when we appreciate, confirm and celebrate each other.
Imagine how free the world would be if all women (and men) lived from their connection with their inner most. Free of tension, judgement, comparison… great that we can expose these behaviours as not the true way and renounce them forever. Thank you Gabriele, a much needed article and one that I shall remind myself of if I feel myself losing that connection with myself and start to compare etc – also reminding myself that we are all equal in essence therefore looking beneath the surface that we call the human body.
It is my experience in the past that groups of women can behave in the negative way you describe Gabriele, but it is absolutely NOT who we truly are. We have learned to behave in this way from the example of others but we have a choice from a different perspective now whether to repeat that behaviour ..or change it to a loving way of being.
Life is so much easier when we drop the ‘should’s’, shouldn’t’s, ideals, expectations, constant comparisons and judgement that are often weighing down even our simple decisions, such as what to use our time for or how to dress.
Just reading your list feels heavy Susie, dropping these allows a lightness and joy in each moment.
As women we are extremely quick to analyze everything around us, our environment and everyone we meet, it is a very innate quality. Our real responsibility lies not in assessing and judging what we see, but in feeling what is truly required in the moment. We can connect, confirm and appreciate one another, a quality that lifts everyone, or criticize and demean, two choices that either expand our true qualities or reduce the amazing women we are.
Very illuminating Gabriele, and all very familiar. What has changed this tendency towards appraisal and critique of both myself and of other women has been appreciation for my own and for others true qualities. The more I allow myself to recognise what is in fact already amazing about me and about others around me, the more this is becoming the default way of being with others.
I was having a wonderful rapport and conversation with a woman i’d never met before, and instantly in our exchange from the handshake felt, ease, warmth, resonance… because she was so open, which sparked me. Together we were sisterly open and left the meeting feeling very joyful. The way we are with ourselves, supports and ignites another woman to be this too.
I know since i have been living more and more from my Sacredness as a woman, the self worth issues are diminishing – no room. It’s taken up by confidence, love and a sense of confidence, deep acceptance of myself as a woman. This is an unfolding experience.
As women we need to keep exposing how we behave and think towards each other, which is simply an externalisation of our own inner lack of self worth and loathing. But as women if we connect to the inner wisdom within us, our Sacredness, then naturally our lack of self worth is diminished. Why – because the Sacredness is our beauty, grace, sexiness, power, it is where our purpose as woman resides, where we have so much to bring to be shared, the nurturing, joy, innovation and more – imagine if as women if we loved and adored each other for who we are and what we bring to all of our relationships – the world would change! Our Sacredness holds the key to who we are as Women and our POTENTIAL!
Women have a quality which is very behollding. They often are not aware of this and as such do not nurture it or reflect it in each other. With the courses and workshops Natalie Benhayon is presenting I learned and still learn step by step to nurture myself.
I found that women can be very ugly, just as much as men can be very ugly. It may have a different way to express itself but I am not sure if either gender is better than the other. However, both genders are also able to express an amazing amount of love, tenderness, stillness, truth and so on.
We continually conspire within ourselves against ourselves, and others, and with women against other women, as portrayed in the hauntingly familiar image attached to this blog, and whether the criticism is spoken aloud or within ones mind matters little, it is equally damaging and insidious. Only through coming to terms with the truth of oneself as a being and a woman, can one hold themselves and all others as equal, naturally living a quality that shines the truth and beauty of who we are, whilst seeing and feeling this in all other women equally.
There is this belief and life being lived whereby we can think that what is in our minds and not verbalised doesn’t have an affect in the world but it does. If we listen to the negative stream then it can further ingrain us to live in a way that shows that we aren’t worth caring for. Going out underdressed in the cold for example rather than caring to wrap up. This shows to others that it’s normal to not care for oneself. Our minds and it’s commentary are not harmless and contained within our head, it’s message runs throughout our lives and into the world.
Isn’t awareness a wonderful thing. The fact that your friend clocked and then reflected on her internal dialogue is something to be appreciated. Then steps can be taken to look at why she choose to express this way. I admit, I find myself doing this too sometimes, but it is getting less and less the more I stop judging myself and loving myself more. Leaving negative thoughts behind is just a natural progression on the path of return to who we truly are. Thank you for sharing an insightful piece of writing Gabriele, and one that reminds us all that we are not who we ‘think’ we are and it is entirely possible to come back to a truer way of being that is our essence as a woman.
I find this image of the two women in this blog quite haunting. It is a familiar stance, and shows how insidious judgement can be.
‘It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in…’ Until we do this for ourselves we will always be at the mercy of feeling less and going into instant comparison and jealousy with others.
Absolutely it starts with the worthiness we hold ourselves, otherwise it is so easy to go into jealousy and comparison. So it is so important for to have built our own self worth.
Until we truly connect to the depth of what it is we as women offer through our expression in the world, we will constantly be at the whim of all the surface distraction that seeks to withhold such beauty.
The way many women relate to one another is very insidious and yet it is deeply felt and registered. I remember as a teenager at school (I went to an all girls’ school) feeling the poison of the comparison and jealousy. The protection everyone was in was only the half of it. If we can air the unsaid it would be so much healthier to have it out there, than suppressed and denied.
It is so sad to grow up as women and think that judging each other in this way is normal, or not even question it – I know I didn’t until a few years back.
It’s beautiful to be aware of what quality we add to a room full of people, be they women or men. We either bring it down or we brighten it up by how open and loving we are of others.
Yes it is because of our harshness towards ourselves that we put this out as well. I often find the harshness of judgement being used as a protection to show how beautiful we in truth are! Either if it is judgement towards ourselves or the other it is both very much the same and effective to hide our absolute innocence and beauty.
It can be very easy to point fingers and say that those who judge others are mean or cruel, but what you bring it back to is how those behaviours can come first from a lack in themselves and in the way some feel that lack and turn inwards or to food or buying clothes for example, others can lash out.
Women tend to size each other up and try and find fault in another only because they tend to find fault in themselves. Once we learn to appreciate ourselves and not expect perfection then we will be able to appreciate other women and not have the need to criticize them to make ourselves feel better.
There is such an inherent and deeply beautiful grace inside every single woman on this planet. It is such an inspiration to behold women who are connecting to, appreciating and expressing their grace they are establishing a bench mark that is calling us all back to our truth.
Gabrielle, this is gorgeous; ‘And there wasn’t any perfection in sight – the best woman and the groom walked back to fetch the rings that had been forgotten, no less at ease the second time than when they walked down the aisle the first time.’ Having worked at weddings in the past I have often seen lots of rushing, stress and people wanting everything to be perfect, this wedding feels very different Gabrielle, these women being settled in their bodies, living in connection with their true selves feels very lovely and I’m sure made for a very joyful celebration for all.
I have found myself doing that too Gabriele, making critical judgements about women in my head, and afterwards thinking ‘why did I do that…’ Why do we expect everyone to be perfect, after all WE’RE not perfect, and I think we all agree, there is no such thing as perfection. In answer to your question ‘Are Women Really Like That?’ the answer has to be no, it is not in our true nature to judge or criticize, all comes down to lack of self love I suppose, for without it there will always be comparison.
“….the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves” – stark words Gabriele that move me towards deep reflection. Created images ARE brutal to the quality of a woman’s innate sacredness, and yes the reality is we do indeed allow for such obscenity whenever we accept those kind of images that sully and poison.
The inspiration we can receive from other women is always there on offer. It’s up to us to receive it.
Often the reflection that offers the most inspiration is the one that we will criticize the hardest if we were to stay in our images and beliefs, as it is the facet of ourselves we are trying so hard to deny.
When we bitch, speak behind each other’s back, size each other up and consistently go into comparison, we are living out a toxic way that holds us back from the love and joy that we are in truth.
The criticism that we throw at each other, said or unsaid is only based on our beliefs, and has no basis in truth – after all aren’t we just judging each other from our own experiences of life. The only way our behaviour will change towards each other is if we build a loving relationship with ourselves and then the automatic critical nonsense in our heads will quieten down.
This so true Gabriele… how we treat ourselves is reflected in how we treat others – and how others treat us in return.
In some ways it is a cycle, one played by men and women: We do something that seems or is awful and we condemn ourselves. The condemnation makes us shrink and we do the awful thing again, leading to more condemnation.
I found it harder to stop the awful thing than to discover why I judge myself. If I stop judging myself then I can discover why I do the awful thing and then choose to continue or not – something that is very difficult if I judge myself.
The judgment of self sits like a heavy cloak over us and stops us from discovering why we do what we do – or more precisely, we allow the judgement of self to reign supreme and it suits us to keep the root cause of our behaviours conveniently hidden.
In answer to the title of this blog, no we are not all like that we have simply forgotten just how awesome we are. We have nothing to measure up to and nor does anyone else we are already there. The skill is in remembering this truth amidst a world that insists on measurement, goals and ambitions as a way to know who we are.
I recognise the cruelty of the way we interact with each other as women, I have also felt the inspiration of being with women without comparison, criticism or jealousy. We are a long way from living collectively and consistently in a truly supportive and collaborative way but the foundations stones are being laid and the possibility of this is with us always; we all have the wherewithal to ‘get us all out of the brutality of our created images’.
“I was in the company of a great number of true women at a wedding recently; they were everywhere and here is a thumbnail sketch of three of them” — Gabriele i love the way you describe the beauty of all those women at the wedding because typically it’s the bride that gets all the ‘kudos’, though in this particular case it shows that the sheer beauty of the bride is in fact the sheer beauty of all in reflection.
I was at the same wedding and when the best woman and groom forgot the rings, it was such a beautiful moment. Perhaps our moments of “imperfection” can be like this when we stay with ourselves and in the joy of each moment.
We can behave like you describe, bitching and back chatting, Gabriele, but in truth, it is not who women are or where we are from. We are all Love and we are all from Love. .
It always got to me how much girls gossiped and bitched and argued where as boys seemed to just get along and work things out between them – at school, girls could literally hold grudges for ages and make life for each other awful. Is this really how it is or is it simply the way it has become because of all of the pressures and expectations and the role models we provide young girls.
I saw some friends yesterday and one of them I could feel was very jealous of me when I walked in. She asked me a lot about my food, my exercise after having a baby, why I live the way I do. And in that moment, I wobbled. I played nice. I tried to be friendly, even tried to be clumsy to say ‘I’m not perfect’ I compromised myself because I didn’t claim me for me in that moment and all of my choices. And I got really smashed. Today I feel drained. It shows that as women we can so easily give our power away and it totally smashes us when we do.
When we just allow ourselves to shine and appreciate the same in other women we can truly be in sisterhood.
When we can honour and value ourselves and appreciate our own inner beauty and grace, we see others as equally gorgeous in their essence.
‘..before the couple left and my friend, much to her horror, recollected that all the while, she had found herself running an internal dialogue about the attributes, physical and otherwise, of the young woman.’ There is much to appreciate even here. When we can observe and nominate the outplay of our ideals and beliefs, knowing they are harmful, we can start to look into why that outplay is there and start to heal the root cause of it. The problem comes in if we self-bash rather than understand and allow for the fact that the ideal is a form of protection stemming from a hurt.
Gabrielle, reading this what comes to me is an old saying that you cannot out do the bride, in other words the bride has to look the most beautiful person and all the other women have to slightly dress down so as not to outshine the bride, so reading this is really lovely; ‘the best woman who walked arm in arm with the groom down the aisle was none other than his ex-wife, no less beautiful than the bride in her very own grace, poise and amazing ability to hold others’.
I did not know this – how utterly devastating and dishonest is this decree and how much does it set women up for competition and comparison?
No matter how the world is, as women our power is to consistently and forever hold ourselves. No matter how the world reacts or responds, no one can ever give us any true confirmation, if this confirmation is not first felt from within, of our own love.
“These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost” – i love this Gabriele, indeed a woman who is self-connected to her essence is always so utterly beautiful shining her being that is in flow with her natural (sacred) order.. to inspire that same order into the world and with people. This woman is a true role-model.
When women celebrate other women we all gain
I hate it when other women look you up and down, deciding whether they approve of you or not, or taking note of any faults they think you have, it feels really derogatory and they judge you on their own beliefs. How did we allow ourselves as women to do this to each other, when we all know there is no perfection and being as one together is a far greater service to humanity than individualising ourselves from others in the belief that we are better.
Given the sensitivity that all women share, it is impossible to assume that even one woman cannot feel when she is being talked about with abuse. we can all sense when this is happening, whether it is in the forefront of our awareness or tucked away somewhere deep inside. The fact is that we do know, and it is this sensitivity which deserves to be respected because from there the hurts cannot be so damaging and there can instead be so much more understanding between us, which is a truly beautiful thing.
I wonder if it is simply comparison in general – as a man I can go into comparison with others wondering if I am better or worse. Depending on the context it could be men, women, both genders for example in a hierarchy or about wealth or the quality of clothing or deportment or their ability to express etc.
Could comparison be everywhere, it is just that in certain areas we are more practised but the issue really is our tendency to compare?
Comparison is rife and ubiquitous, it is part of how we define ourselves in this world and we think we are either lesser and lower or more and superior to another/others.
When we truly do this ‘the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.’ we give permission for other women to do the same. From experience of being with women that express and live this there is nothing quite like it .. it gives you space and permission to just be and know that you are everything and that you are enough.
We can get so used to the constant self-critisum of our own thoughts and often even our words and actions so much so that that we no longer recognise the abuse in them and therefor it lowers our standards of the thoughts we then allow about another, the words we allow expressed about another and the actions towards others
I much prefer to check out a fabulous pair of shoes or a super sweet top on another woman and enjoy the way they wear it than to go into comparison or criticism. The comparison or criticism feels awful in my body unlike the enjoyment and appreciation of the other woman’s expression.
Total lack of acceptance for ourselves and how we look, can only lead on to feed the criticism we have towards other women. If we are seeing ourselves as less and comparing ourselves against others, never likely our thoughts will be negative towards another – maybe it’s time we learn to love ourselves and then we will see others differently.
We only need to pick up a mainstream women’s magazine to see how low things have become and how deeply harming much of this content can be. In our society women are encouraged to be bitchy and critical of each other when this is so far from our inner truth.
Is it possible that some magazines are not only a bane and an insult but a means to curse women?
This is unheard of – the ex wife walking the groom down the isle to his new wife. This should be a stop moment for everybody.
I have found women can be very bitchy to one another – and this can start from when we are very young. We can grow up with so called assumed friends who bitch, gossip, control or say nasty things to us or behind our backs. We often as women complain about men doing this and that, but in all honesty we as women can be very nasty. None of which is our true essence – but the reality is we choose do this to ourselves, each other, and men. It only goes to show the lack of love we have for ourselves. For if we loved ourselves deeply we’d never treat anyone let alone ourselves in this way. Because there would be a deep level of love and care we would never ever drop below.
Exposing and letting go of the need to be perfect, the self judgement and any negative emotion we observe in our day towards ourselves paves the way for sisterhood and harmony amongst women.
Everyone in the world hates to be compared and judged just for their looks, if we approached all the women we meet with consideration of this and instead seeing women as the sweet, amazing, gorgeous people they naturally are we could quickly stop this world epidemic of judging and criticising each other.
And there is a simplicity to this that is very inspiring. A shift in outlook and approach; seeing each other as supporters, friends and points of inspiration rather than competition and adversaries.
Very true, what if we see that we are all in this together, so we can learn together and support each other to evolve and grow?
Critiquing ourselves leads to automatic critiquing of other women, as does the quality of loving… is like when we look into the mirror we are seeing not just ourselves there looking back in the reflection, but also all other women too.
Zofia it is about breaking the cycle of self critique as like you say when we critique ourselves we automatically critique other women, it is a pattern a momentum that needs to be to stopped.
The glow a woman emanates, when she has connected to the sacredness she holds within her being, surpasses any temporal ideal of what beauty is and looks like. We all innately know and recognise this, but many people, via the way they are brought up and the way society idolises the rich and famous and the ‘beautiful’, have had their perception of what true beauty is skewed. No cosmetic or cosmetic correction, latest fashion or accessories etc etc can create this deep and true beauty each and every woman in the world holds – no matter what age she is. True beauty is eternal.
Thanks Judith for bringing this into the discussion here, as it is so true. We try to copy this beauty, glow and emanation from within and try to create an external picture of the same, which falls totally short of the truth of sacredness.
Perfectionism is one of the most insidious forms of self-abuse, as we are always aiming for something that is in fact not possible. By setting ourselves up to be perfect we are setting ourselves up for the proverbial fall and the accompanying self-bashing that goes with it. For me, letting go of the need to be perfect has released so much tension and angst in my body, with the resulting feeling of liberation rippling into the quality of my way of living and then on out to the relationships with those around me.
It is so good to acknowledge that we, as women, can turn this despicable way of behaving around. It is very possible to live our connection to our inner-most, and our essence and inner beauty. The outside (that we can invest so much in) is irrelevant, our beauty blossoms from within.
My experience has been that when I choose not to be love, I then have lots of choices how to realise that – get numb, get excited, get euphoric, get sad, get angry, do something exciting and so on.
A woman is her own worst enemy if she allows negative self-talk and critic run the show in her head. There is nothing more liberating when we can free ourselves from this need of perfectionism and constant critic and start to appreciate ourselves in all that we are.
Judith I agree a women is her own worst enemy, getting caught in the self bashing and self critique. When be free ourselves from this the spaciousness and liberation felt in the body is amazing.
I noticed that reading about this made me feel like I don’t want to do this anymore yet it came from an reaction to not wanting to be this ‘bad’ and wanting to be a better woman and that is not the answer. It is about coming back to knowing it is not our true nature to be so comparative and harsh on each other and ourselves and connecting to that knowing inside ourselves.
So true, it is so ‘normal’ among us women to size us up and compare. A clearly horrible habit that brings us all down and holds us to ransom to any given picture. So good to talk about it and not take it as normal anymore but allow us to see and feel that deep down we feel quite differently, to rediscover the precious, sweet and deeply caring beings that we are.
What a blessing it is to realise that it is not ‘normal’ at all to compare and be judgmental of others or ourselves for that matter. To know that our true essence is sacredness, love and appreciation of ourselves and one another, and that anything less than that should rightly alert us to some underlying issue that needs healing.
Yes, it is a blessing to come to this realisation and then allow ourselves to step by step live our true normal more and more.
Agreed Esther, we are very precious, sweet and deeply caring Beings. When we size each other up and go through our ‘perfection tick list’, it is only because we have become estranged from our own deep beauty that we feel the need to compare and measure. When we reconnect to it, sharing it with everyone is the only option.
Yes, and it is so very important that we acknowledge this and bring attention to the beauty there is in life otherwise we are kept driven by the negativity and striving for perfection.
Yes – how refreshing to have this brought out into the open light of day to be aired and reflected on! For me, awareness is the beginning of true change.
This article and the comments would be very valuable for all women to read. If I keep confirming myself and moving in a way that I know appreciates the divinity that I hold within then I cannot but be honoring and in awe of everything that another holds within them.
Food for deep thought here Gabriele! It can come as a shock to us to have these judgements that we thought we had put behind us!
‘the bar that is forever raised higher in the pursuit of more, better, firmer, tauter, younger, fitter, curvier or flatter’ – It’s so true, that it’s impossible to be confident or satisfied with our shape if we go from ideal to ideal, clinging to a perfect image that is unattainable and may not suit our shape at all.
This is beautiful to read. How we are with ourselves is the foundation from which we are with others.
Where we are as a group of women is not the end point – it is just the beginning of a possibility to change things. The fact is – we can be so critical of each other but the fact is there is no love in this at all.
Earlier this week I had to give myself credit and to appreciate how far I had come in my relationship with myself and my relationship with myself as a woman. My son was joking that if I suddenly died his dad, my husband, could marry his PA as we had been discussing how awesome she was. Once upon a time I would have reacted in jealousy but there was nothing in my body that could take offence at this. My quick response was that if daddy died then maybe I could marry her!
It’s never been more important to bring these points and this story to the fore. We live in a society where image rules – TV, social media, advertising, magazines, etc etc. It becomes very easy to go into comparison, whether male or female.
That inner monologue can be a killer – whether it’s judging and criticising another or if we’re doing it to ourselves. Having an awareness that it’s happening is the first step – then comes the honesty about why? Am I not good/tall/skinny/etc enough? One can conclude, perhaps with some work and definitely with self-love, that we are each enough just as we are.
Spot on Gabriele perfectionism is a cult, a very dangerous one, women in this cult think that they need to be perfect and any small deviation away from perfection is not accepted and you become an out cast.
We women can be our own worst enemy – with our complete lack of self worth, the devastating way we treat our bodies with negative thought patterns that do nothing to support us. Acceptance and appreciation are key to our wellbeing.
“….it seems as though it has become second-nature for women to size each other up, put each other under the microscope and relentlessly list all the perceived shortcomings”.. agree Gabriele, to make ourselves feel better [seemingly]. When we practice self-critique, we ourselves fail, the other woman fails; we all fail. When we see the true beauty in ourselves, we see the beauty in another woman.
When we meet someone and choose to connect to their essence any judgement, comparison or jealousy doesn’t creep into our thoughts. It leaves us open to connect on a much deeper level.
When a woman knows her own beauty, from the inside out, there is no need for comparison or jealously.
As women in society, we do find ourselves in a rather sad predicament with the level of comparison and judgement and jealousy not to mention the self-flagellation and other forms of self criticism that we engage in. Gabrielle, I love your blog and how it brings this to our attention, and also shows there is a different way to be, a way that does not engage in such activities that essentially do not grow us. When we leave behind the petty ways and actually stop to celebrate ourselves and each other, life takes on a different way of being, one that is far more true to our natural ways of being with each other.
You have captured how we can behave Gabriele, but we know inside this is not who we truly are or our natural way of being. Whenever I have had negative thoughts, I am aware how it affects me negatively too. We need to keep hold of our connection to ourselves and feel all the different reflections we bring, are all from divinity.
In the last day or so I have put myself on a program – to not think, speak or make comment on another in a way that I would not do in front of a large audience, or even greater than that, in front of God – we have become so used to allowing our hurts and comparisons to fuel the way we think and speak about ourselves, others, situations and life that it can seem like this is who we are – women are naturally bitchy or gossip, but is this really true or is it a choice, a choice of our standards?
Rebecca, this is a great program for all of us as women to give a go – for me it is about doing this in stages: firstly it is about catching ourselves thinking such thoughts about another or ourselves, in other words it is about developing first my awareness of when I go into this kind of destructive dialogue, and then instead of saying I should not do this, I would acknowledge that it is happening and then explore where this is coming from and how, whilst of course recognising that this “behaviour’ is not supportive and hence is inappropriate. All too often in the past, I have decreed that I would no longer do something, but then fall flat in doing it anyways and beating myself up for it. The trick is to bring an understanding that when I am choosing a certain behaviour, there has been a previous choice that does not value myself nor bring this true value for others to see and share. And so this opens up the dialogue in understanding where I have come from and why. A deep exploration that really opens up the can of hurts and allows us to get to the core.
I agree – when I find myself having those thoughts or even when the words or even just the tone of sarcasm or judgements come out of my mouth, I cut what was thought or said, I nominate that it was not true and not who I am and then I look at the reason why it came in – was I speaking from a hurt or reaction I have yet to let go of, was I speaking from a lack of appreciation of value of myself – when we cut the nonsense and instead focus on what brought it in, it stops the blame/shame/beating up and simply keeps us very focused.
Bitching and carrying on is a choice and an alignment to an energy that is super harmful, to ourselves, to others and the all.
‘the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within’ this is something all women need to know, that the beauty is already within us all
Awesome comment Carmel, when we connect to this truth nothing gets in the way of us seeing and appreciating each other’s inner beauty regardless of our physical attributes.
Judgement is not natural to who we truly are, nor is critique, comparison etc We are not born judgemental, it is taught to us to compare. And eventually over time we believe that it is us as if it’s always been this way, that it’s ‘part of our nature’ but it’s not.
I was watching kids make giant bubbles yesterday when the person showing them said ‘ it’s really important we don’t burst each other’s bubbles’ – it made me think how we constantly do this in life from a very young age, we attack those who are doing great, we try to bring them
down in a multitude of ways because we’re not feeling so good about ourselves and the choices we make. You see it all the time.
Gabrielle, this is a very exposing article, this critical self talk and critical thoughts and talk about other women is very common in our society, it has almost been accepted as ‘normal’, when it is anything but normal. We are divine women and our natural way is to be full of ourselves; to love and adore and cherish ourselves and others, not to pick at, judge and criticise ourselves and each other.
When we learn self-loathing and lack of self-worth it really is no wonder we go into comparison, jealousy and hardening. Re-learning to value who I am and what I bring as a woman has supported me no end to live more from appreciation. I have found that my judgments of others have fallen away and yet if there is one there I know there is a hurt to nominate and let go of. Once done the judgment is easily dealt with.
The thing women really compare to is how much the other woman is connected to and living her divinity. This is the real comparison issue not what she is wearing, or that she is good looking or that she has a great car etc.
Now there is a veritable stop moment for us all, a game changer that reveals what is going on behind the scenes.
Yes it stopped me in my tracks when Serge presented this ‘bomb’ in a recent workshop. I pondered on what he said and it made perfect sense. It was an ‘AH AH” moment.
We are either expressing love or we are not and the latter has been beautifully captured in the photo for this blog.
How much the world would change if we chose to be inspired by one another rather than being critical, judgemental or jealous.
I have been noticing how many images, ideals and beliefs I still hold onto that stops me from being more open, honest and loving in my relationships. It is interesting because I have always thought that I was very open and loving but when I pay attention to my internal dialogue I am shocked by what comes up at times. The more I am aware of the quality of my thoughts and internal dialogue the more I recognise what I need to let go and discard. This always comes back to taking responsibility for my choices and being willing to nurture, care, appreciate and building a relationship with myself first. Then my relationship with others will also naturally grow. A few years ago I used to let my thoughts run wild but now I know that we don’t have to say things out loud and our quality of thoughts can hurt us and others if they are not loving.
Comparison and jealousy stops us from truly connecting with each other. I have become so much more aware of this energy which seems to run wild if I am not appreciating myself and connected to my essence.
They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition. Yes Gabriele, true beauty is us, in our naturalness and light, allowing this to shine forth unimpeded and strong.
It is very true that if we want to improve the relationships we have with other women we have to start with ourselves, it is impossible to hold another women in love when you berate yourself.
Absolutely Lieke, the more I love me the more I love all women.
There is no doubting the enormous support women can be for each other when we drop the comparison and criticism. Working through those judgements in the London Well being Women’s Group has been great for me.
I was struck by the reflection offered at the wedding that there was no need for perfection: “the best woman and the groom walked back to fetch the rings that had been forgotten, no less at ease the second time than when they walked down the aisle the first time.” This is so profoundly different to how people tend to respond to unexpected scenarios.
We often we gauge our worth according to external appearance, performance and accomplishment. Yet this example provides a gorgeous example of resting in the knowing and appreciation that it is always the inner beauty, essence and the quality lived that counts ahead of anything else.
‘And there wasn’t any perfection in sight – the best woman and the groom walked back to fetch the rings that had been forgotten, no less at ease the second time than when they walked down the aisle the first time.’ I love this as an example for the potential for us all to live at ease and with a lightness that has fun with life. Gorgeous!
Wow Gabriele what you have shared is amazing
“the best woman who walked arm in arm with the groom down the aisle was none other than his ex-wife, no less beautiful than the bride in her very own grace, poise and amazing ability to hold others;”
That has to be sooo unusual and totally against the trend of our current society
When we ‘match’ ourselves up against other women we create a perception of them based on our own insecurities – what a terrible foundation for relationships with other people!! It is true though, that this sets us up for a dis-functional and judgemental relationship with women and completely caps the potential for an amazing friendship, connection or great teamwork.
“They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.” This is I feel such an important statement and one women are still learning. We think that beauty is in how we dress and the make up we wear, and that money can buy beauty, yet the most beautiful people we meet have something extra, it is in their smile the way they walk, the beauty radiates from the inside out, and no amount of money or hard work can ever achieve this inner beauty that is naturally within us all.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! I have just been outed Gabriele. I am certainly nowhere near as critical as I once was of myself or other women but the dialogue is still there whenever I lose connection with the loveliness I am when I am simply being me.
Thank you for sharing these inspiring examples of women living in true connection to their innermost essence and the fact that it is down to their choices and this is available to all of us whenever we choose.
And the inspiration of the relationships that then unfold, showing us that there totally is another way to be as women together.
I have just come back from a wedding and everything you describe over the bride, the best women and the bridesmaids held true at this wedding too. It was so lovely to be there and witness such grace and sweetness between women and this holding of each other allows women to truly shine in their own beauty whether it be at a wedding or any other occasion.
Although it is common for us to behave like this, it is not who we truly are. Underneath this drive for perfection lies a quintessentially beautiful essence, which once appreciated and cherished, cannot help but inspire other women to seek and embrace their own.
And that is a true equaliser which doesn’t leave any space for comparison and its ugly offspring.
We are our own best friend or our own worst enemy. I know that when I feel claimed and loving and appreciative of all that I am and all that I bring then another’s word, thoughts or behaviour do not have any impact. We are amazing, our body and the way it works is exquisite, once this is claimed it can be truly felt and reflected outward for others to know what is possible.
“It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in . . . ” For me that is the best medicine ever. Thank you so much Gabriele for highlighting the possibility that we can change our own constant inner bashing and lashing within ourselves first.
Yes, because this makes sense of building respect, honour and value with ourselves as the foundation for all our other relationships, turning upside down the notion that self care is in some way indulgent.
The only indulgence I can spot is when we don’t look after or deeply care for ourselves.
It is the same for men and women. Are we expressing and receiving love during our day? How the answer manifests is different for everybody but the underlying question is not gender-specific.
“What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?” – Gabriele i love the examples you share about a true woman — i’m learning from being inspired and self-study too, that a true women is a woman who loves herself so dearly, closely, warmly, adoringly, ease-fully, openly, that she loves another woman the same to allow the quality and grace of true sisterhood to be between them.
I have been guilty of comparing and summing other woman up by their physical appearance and then felt how horrible it feels when I have allowed these thoughts to come in. It is only through letting go of the lack of self-worth feelings I had about myself that I have ben able to see, value and connect to the glorious precious sacredness that is in fact every womens true essence.
Often when someone is showing off something about themselves, there comes that pang of separation. There seems to be an invitation to use the reflection as a comparison, and possibly find yourself lacking. Yet when I am in the presence of a woman who lives with the appreciation, confidence and expression of her true essence as described in this blog, it is incredible that as a woman witnessing another shine so gloriously, there is no competition or doubting of myself enticed in me. It is as if the reflection is confirming my essence too. I actually feel inspired and more expanded.
Wow I love that the bride was not trying to out do anyone and that the best women was the ex partner -this is so grand and proves that real love is always equal.
I often find myself looking at other people (including people who consider themselves to by ugly) and observing how truly beautiful they are. I know that when I look at people like that who do not recognise their own beauty they often think I am judging them and they react but in fact I am appreciating them. If we can’t appreciate ourselves we can find it quite confronting when another person does. We are ALL beautiful.
This is very true Nicola. I expressed my appreciation for some-one recently and did not hold back, but this person was not able to receive it because of their lack of appreciation for themselves. But nevertheless, a seed was planted which will bloom when they are ready.
Your comment Nicola reminded me of sitting on a bus and having a huge appreciation moment for some ladies who were smiling at each other, whilst casually talking. People do not have to be what we would see as stunningly beautiful to be beautiful.
I have been on both sides of the scenario you describe Nicola. The reaction to the appreciation from others happens less, although it can still catch me by surprise.
Very true Nicola and I know from personal experience that due to my level of self-loathing I found it extremely difficult to accept another person’s appreciation of me. We are ALL immensely beautiful and very sensitive beings and appreciation is a very important medicine to empower us to embrace this deep and innate beauty.
I have noticed I still dismiss it when someone appreciates something about me, I move onto another subject as quickly as possible! I guess what will change this will be the moment I stop and truly appreciate qualities about me .. work in progress!
The thing with appreciation is that what we are appreciating is our choice of energy. If we align to the energy of love then everything we express thereafter is from that source and something awesome to be appreciated. The problem is that the part of us that wants acceptance and recognition does not express with love and therefore will never experience true appreciation but at best get a recognition that will never satisfy the emptiness that misses love.
That is quite interesting because I too view women in the same aspect but since I am looking with a serious face, I get frown upon before I could express a compliment. I tend to admire women’s beauty and elegance especially since nowadays views of women are more negative. I admire your opinions.
True beauty is something that EVERY woman (and man) carries within and therefore it is about accepting and celebrating who and what we already are and allowing it out and not about finding it outside.
I find myself in a soup of thoughts like this also, and it’s awful. I appreciate my ever expanding awareness around this however and don’t allow the thoughts to overrun me. But, the most interesting thing is just how common this is, just how many times in a single day we will go into comparison with another woman, like it’s our default mechanism. But I know for a fact that we aren’t born with such an attitude, so it’s definitely a conditioning, that means it’s more than possible to reverse.
Thank you Gabriele for writing so clearly about this way that we as women speak to ourselves and to eachother in our heads.
It is beautiful to see women together, with no comparison and exes friends with the new partners. It inspires me so much, to not judge or to hold anything against another.
These women are wonderful examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty. The list of qualities selected from just one short paragraph describes what beauty is when it is not deemed to be about looks alone: truly shiny, glowing, in her very own grace, poise, amazing ability to hold others, sweetness and preciousness, assured, steady and ever so tenderly and attentively supportive.
It is so so important we do not withdraw or give up on ourselves in any way, shape or form, this is what lets the self critical, negative, self bashing energy in. This is no different to the energy we see coming through our young girls, teenagers and people all around us at times. The energy and behaviours we oh so don’t like. Yet here we are, unless we choose to commit to life, and ourselves, in the same given up and withdrawn energy and adding to it.
I get angry at how women behave – not outwardly nor physically nor verbally directing at them, but non the less angry, at how they treat men.
I know the absolute acidic energy of comparison and harsh thoughts whether they are said out aloud or not, they are felt by all – even if covered up by a nice smile. I’m learning to be honest about them and feel the lack of sacredness I live by. The choice is to then reconnect and feel the sacredness within. I am never less than another as we all are amazing, there is no limit to our amazingness.
That inner voice can be near constant, be it against ourselves or others – our self-deprecation can know no bounds if we do not rain ourselves in and if we do not begin to recognise that those thoughts need not be that way. We can be do identified with those doubts and critics, thinking it is us and something we must put up with – but those thoughts are not our own and we do not have to accept them, not accept them towards others. We cannot indulge those thoughts because they can end up poisoning our relationship with ourselves, with life and with others.
What a beautiful observation of how the women just accepted that they had forgotten the rings without hurrying. It reflects how we have no perfection and yet the opportunity to hold ourselves without apology.
Yes it is a great reflection for us all to learn from. To be able to hold ourselves without apology is massive.
As women we have put aside our sacred relationship to our bodies, and in so doing our natural ability to read and know what is needed. There is so much wisdom we are here to move and reflect and the best part it that it lies in a beautiful package within.
To notice this measuring and comparing is a huge start already and then to talk about it. That way we are honest about what is going on and do not accept it as normal anymore and thus can gradually steer ourselves out of these unwanted waters.
This behaviour you speak of Gabriele is unfortunately all too common and may take a while to reverse, as it shows how we as women have gone so far away from knowing and appreciating ourselves. It’s like we are competing against each other to be perfect but the guidelines on what that is has never been written down, so everyone has a different picture. This needs to be called out and often until we get it. Thank you.
It seems funny to say what is a real women or a true women ‘What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?’ as it sounds some women are not real or true and some women are, but ultimately ALL women cannot escape that the body we are in and have chosen to be in is divinely designed and holds within all the innate qualities of a women … stillness, sacredness, tenderness, preciousness, beauty, delicateness, love, wisdom, truth, power. Every woman’s body holds this. So the question would be do we express from this and if so do we do it the whole time, consistently, and if not why not?
The harder we are on ourselves we harder we are on others.
I absolutely love who attended the wedding and in which roles, no separation, no issues or resentment simple joy and love. When we choose love over emotion everything changes.
If we hold ourselves in love we naturally treat ourselves with love, it’s when we override how we feel, do not take care of ourselves that we open the door to self bashing thoughts which are probably more destabilising than the original choice not to honour what we felt and truly care for ourselves.
When we value ourselves and realise that there actually is nothing wrong with us we are able to significantly lessen the self bashing thoughts and which gives space for appreciation of ourselves and others.
It felt very exposing to read your words and to truly realise where our search for perfectionism has taken us – so far away from ourselves that we do not want to see what is clearly so obvious, that we are slowly eroding our own sacredness as women. I feel very privileged to have found a group of women who are reflecting back to me the value of self appreciation and learning to love and to accept myself just as I am.
We size each other up the whole time, not just women with women but women compete with men and men with women. Appreciating the qualities that each of us bring starts to entirely change the way we relate with one another.
When we criticise others harshly its because we are already doing it to ourselves. Changing the relationship with myself, so I am kinder to me has meant I don’t judge others as I used to. I’m not fully free of self-judgement but I can feel the significant difference in the way I view myself and other women.
When we criticise and pick fault with other women it is usually because we don’t want to look at ourselves. We struggle to see our own beauty choosing instead to see our faults and then comparing them to another. Learning to appreciate who we really are and not our outer exterior offers us a stop moment to appreciate others, and see how each of us brings something to the world. With appreciation our whole body changes it expands and does not feel crushed with by the weight of criticism and self depreciating thoughts
Love this blog, Gabriele, especially the contrast in how as women we can choose to live and how this manifests in our expression. I have found that the less judgmental I am with myself the less judgemental I am with others, especially other women. If I find myself to be judgmental of another than this is a sure indicator that there is something in myself that needs attention and healing.
What a great understanding to how women behave in the world and how different this can truly be we when we value ourselves from our own sacredness and divineness and how this makes everything so beautiful naturally flowing and loving. Something we feel at home with in side and treasure deeply honouring as a way of being.
The photo really does capture the ugliness of women in collusion against another either ‘innocently’, to win over another colleague, for like-ability, to show allegiance r favouritism. We’ve all been party to this nonsensical way of being as women, either on the receiving end or the one doing it, and either way it, our own insecurity deeply hurts us all.
A wonderfully succinct article Gabriele, thank you – and wonderfully accurate too. Yes, we women are masters of critique of self and others, and how damaging, unnecessary and unsupportive this is. One wonders at the forces behind our decision to engage in this behaviour – it cannot be a coincidence that all of us do it. Is there an unseen agenda running that ensures all women are perpetually knocked of their centres, never claiming their true power?
This sizing up, comparing and negative self-talk are all very common for women, so common it becomes almost unnoticed by the woman herself. I have found that the only thing that cuts through this is developing a connection with yourself, appreciating your qualities and holding that as precious. Without a connection to self there can be no connection to other women and the critical thoughts can pour in. Whereas when we are connected and loving ourselves, we naturally value all the women around us.
So true, thank you Gabrielle for asking us the true question: Are Women Really Like That?
We all know the answer now. Truly we are so beautiful. In so many ways. Time to embrace all of that , living from this nature, all the day, all the way.
The photo in this blog is devastating. These are two beautiful women but even they can channel quite a dark presence even when it is for the purpose of a photo. This condemnation must be close to all of us.
It’s great to ask the question – ‘is it REALLY meant to be this way?’ because when things seem off we do ourselves a lot of damage staying quiet and going along with what’s expected rather than speaking up about what we know is true, respectful and in this case a glorious way to have relationships with other women.
Valuing and therefore appreciating ourselves is a natural way to have self confidence and self worth because when you value you, your saying, I feel the power of my sacredness as a woman and I am everything.
Great blog Gabriele and so true – not voicing our comparisons and brutal self-talk doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It can only be addressed once we start to look within, taking a deep and honest look at how we are with ourselves, first. Then we realise that everyone around us is reflecting something about ourselves: something to appreciate or something to learn from.
True Gabrielle, it starts with us and our relationship with ourselves, to live from our inside out claiming the sacredness we are, choosing this quality in the movements we make to reflect this to everyone we meet. Work in progress for me but something to appreciate deeply every step I, we take.
The dangers of ‘self talk’ are not to be under estimated, our internal dialogue does much to sabotage ourselves and each other. We are ultimately responsible of what is churning around in our head…what do we choose? It is as if we think no one will know or feel the criticism….wrong…we all do and know we do.
We know when we are being talked about that’s for sure. I feel the sizing up starts at home within the families with sibling rivalry and gets worse when we go to school. And girls can be particularly horrible to each other. It is thinking about it, quite shocking the way we behave towards each other I cannot think of another species that can be so deliberately cruel.
I have observed in myself how quick the judgement of others can come in and I have to choose a ‘stop’ to halt the story building. The beautiful thing is that we do have a choose about the quality of our thoughts and as we grow our awareness of what is happening, calling a ‘stop’ does interrupt the old pattern and begin to re-imprint it with a new way.
“…. is it then not very clear where we need to start? It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry..” Absolutely Gabriele. We can be our own worst enemy if we put ourselves and each other down all the time. .
Brilliant Gabriele, you have described the differences so beautifully, the outer ideals and focus on the physical body, or the precious inner being and all the beauty of those qualities including our sacredness. And there is such an equality that comes from knowing who we are – comparison is not only not needed, it is not possible.
Thank you for exposing the responsibility we have for releasing the hold of the ‘relentless and brutal self-talk’ that we allow to run through our heads. It is deeply damaging not just to us but to all our relationships. This cannot be done without accepting the love that we are and consistently appreciating ourselves and all that we offer. I love how you emphasize that it is not about perfection but connecting to our sacredness and claiming ourselves as the glorious women that we are.
Awesome sharing Gabriele that well and truly captures the essence of true women. The woman we are all born to naturally be. In moments when I have experienced this way of being with each other as woman the power and grace we all hold is felt and carries an undeniable equalness. In this place jealousy and comparrison have absolutely no hold.
for me in tandem with ” where we need to start ” is to be truthful with the way society encourages girls, the way family bully girls , the way culture forces girls to be in competition with each other. Its important to say and talk about that,and know this must be wrong , it cannot be that this is the way we as a race of being are to develop . There is no love , care, and nurturing in this way of living . The proof of this can be seen in the way the world is.
Thank you for exposing our judgement and gossip. It’s not just what we say about ourselves and each other but what we think as well, it is equally harming and damaging to ourselves and others. In essence no we are not like that and in connecting to our essence there is no need for this.
The more we appreciate ourselves the less room there is for condemnation of ourselves and the more we appreciate others the less room there is for criticism there also. Appreciation is the key to healthy relationships.
I agree Elaine, appreciation of the self makes for an amazing foundation for all of our other relationships.
‘the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.’ This is a deep inner beauty that we all have right from the day we are born, it is an essence so exquisite, so tender, nothing can surpass it. We may choose to dull it, but it is always there within us, awaiting our allowing of its natural emanation in the world.
Yes Carmel, when you see the sparkle shine from the eyes of someone who is fully claiming who they are regardless of physical looks you cannot help but be captured by their innate beauty.
Gabriele, you have captured exactly how women can behave and I am squirming with no exit as you have each corner covered to where there is no hiding place ..’not saying it out loud is still lashing out as we castigate and chastise ourselves before we do it to another.’ What is this picture of perfectionism we have sold out to? It is impossible to maintain this and so important to see through it before we can start to accept ourselves for who we are, and then accept others.
I agree Gill, Gabriele has us well and truly cornered here and therefore asks us to go much deeper in order to connect to and appreciate the magnificent beauty that lies within us all. Once we fully realize our precious and delicate essence we are able to naturally hold every woman in the same grace. Any deviation from this divine quality is merely pointing out to us a range of out dated and ill fitting beliefs that need culling.
Awesome comment Gill and I love this blog because it exposes the separation and pain we can feel whenever we experience jealousy or comparison and how it caps our connection. We may not choose to say it out loud but we can feel it a mile away. By being more aware of these images and thoughts helps me dismantle their grip and allows me to say yes to love within myself and with others.
When we move from the connection to our sacredness we value and hold all as equal and no amount of drama or judgement can then break this divine way, because we are all then held in this divinely beautiful way of being.
Thank you Gabriele for bringing this topic to light..
At first we may not want to look too closely at our own judgement and thoughts in this regard but scratch the surface and its a different story. I have found myself thinking similar thoughts and then realising that I too do it to myself as well! I can then feel myself withdraw feeling shame and reminding myself that we are all the beautiful and equal Sons of God therefore we are Love and in Love there is no judgement! We just are!
Comparison and competition by women, or men, is because of a lack of self-love and self-worth arising from a deep emptiness from not being connected with their Soul. ‘True women’, and men, that you describe have made that re-connection to their Soul, have no emptiness but instead are Love and therefore have no need for comparison, judgment or competition.
Great title Gabrielle ” Are Women really like that? When we see ourselves for who we are, the precious sacred women that hold everyone equally then we can no longer self bash or criticise another because it is felt in ever cell of our body as soon as we try. Self bashing and criticising was something I used to do on a regular basis and as most of my thoughts were internal and not expressed I thought this was ok, but once I realised that I was perpetuating this by feeding the thoughts and that there was no love for either myself or the people I was criticising and that the hardness I had to go into to do this was actually painful in my body it became much easier to recognise the pattern of behaviour I was choosing.
“the cult of perfectionism” Superb phrase Gabriele that clearly puts before us women the root cause of our atrocious and yes brutal behaviour towards our selves and towards each other. We have all done it, that awful glance up and down that instantly sizes up the ‘opposition’, but what we are really doing is comparing our selves all the time, picking our selves apart because we just do not connect to, value and treasure our most gorgeous innate female qualities. When we do connect to, honour and express them, the quality we bring is incredibly inspiring, evidently present in the ladies you described Gabriele, presenting us with heaven sent role models that we can at last re-orient our gorgeous selves to.
It is amazing how petty we can be and by being so when we compare ourselves with another or put another down we miss out on the true beauty that is standing right before us. Every women and man for that matter should know that ‘the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.’ Wow it would change so much if we all lived knowing and embracing this fact.
What came to me very strongly while reading this great blog was the importance of movement and what impulses it. In one case, the woman seems to move ‘locked in’ unresolved issues and another case of people whose movements are impulse by grace and by embracing the future. The past is behind them.
It is shocking how we size each other up and judge so much. We really have to call it out and stop pretending that it doesn’t happen when it happens all of the time!
When I read the first two paragraphs I knew this was going to be good! It is so needed to point out the constant comparison and jealousy between women. We are picking each other apart and as you said ourselves too but have we really chosen this behaviour or is it something we have observed around us and then taken on too? The current normal is often defined by what is most around but what if women are in truth not like that? What if a true woman is not comparing and putting each other and themselves down constantly? We have to define what a woman is by what we feel is true, not by what is most around and then make a choice of how we would like to be.
Gabrielle thank you for sharing these stark contrasts in women living fully claimed in their glory or your example of what we have accepted as ‘normal’. What we think is ‘normal’ is not normal at all, it is not our natural way simply because it is familiar and pretty much we are all doing it. Letting go of comparison and judgement is like casting yourself free from being held back with a mesh of chains.
Gosh so much here Gabriele with regard to the state of women and our relationships – to self, and to all other women, mattering not age, skin colour or background.
To claim the fact that beauty shines forth from our eyes and comes from within, just as these women showed us all, is about the choice to know ourselves deeply.. and each other from that same knowing.
This is an interesting and presently relevant blog, and I am sure that this woman would not be alone in the realisation that her mind was suddenly bent on judging or making some internal notation of something in another woman that didn’t quite fit the ‘acceptable’ mould. I find it a really weird thing to suddenly realise where the mind is at in that moment – where did the connection to the divine suddenly disappear to, that feeling of ‘being’ with oneself. What is it at play exactly. I am finding a need for a deepening awareness of what energy precisely has taken hold in less than a nano second. Did I choose or deliberately drop my awareness. Did this uncalled for energy just stop on its way through the body. I am learning to call it out when this happens and refuse to allow it to stay and fester, appreciating that we have a choice to allow these momentary unwelcome thoughts or to send them on their way without the need to add to the wanton spirit’s want by beating myself up or adding to the drama by unloving or unkind thoughts in reference to my momentary indiscretion. What an amazing thing this is, the development of the awareness of ones’ awareness.
The reflection I see in women I cannot deny within myself and this I am learning to accept and embrace. Where there is tension I observe and have understanding knowing that as I acknowledge the self talk and accept there is no perfection the relationships I have with women are changing and although initially there is a holding onto how the relationship used to be I know that it does not serve our growth to act in the same way as to where the relationship is now as the relationship to self continues to evolve.
This comparison shows how we have chosen to be distracted by what we see on the outside as we have lost connection to the Ageless Wisdom teaching that we are all the same in our essence and that the innate beauty and sacredness is equally within us all.
A beautiful blog. I wonder how much comparison the younger woman engaged in during the meeting? What did the son do?
A powerful blog Gabriele exposing the very common default we have as women of sizing up and critiquing other women around us. And spot on when you say that we are no less guilty of this whether it is spoken out loud or not. I know I have felt this occurring more times than I could ever count, and have been responsible for doing so also on more occasions I can count. In my experience this arises from not claiming and appreciating who we are and the unique value and quality we bring to others. Hold ourselves as less than we are, we naturally need to de-value others around us in order to not feel what we have done to ourselves.
I so agree – the key is true self-worth. What is offered on many magazines and the Internet to build our ‘confidence’ is pretty much about doing something about what is ‘wrong’ with us, and it communicates we can never do/be enough. It is so disallowing of women to connect with and appreciate who they are.
It is an important point that you make here Gabriele, in that when we have the slightest thought of critique of another woman, we are not only fuelling a paradigm of false images of beauty that would have us all ever-clambering to be ‘more’… we are also, in all instances, harming ourselves. We have become comfortable in judgment – what does this then harbour within our own bodies and beings?
We need more public discussion on these very things, and the culture that we have allowed to become so normalised, that most hardly blink in the face of how heartless our attitudes and judgements can be, both of ourselves and other women alike. This is not only occurring on the pages of our magazines, but as you’ve shared here, in our every single day…
Want or need nothing to change about ourselves or our lives, but live and commit to each moment, we will want or need nothing of the world or others to change, but we will appreciate and treat everything and everyone as the quality of relationship we have with ourselves. This is not an issue on gender, it is the simple and the most basic love that is natural within our hearts.
Hear, hear Gabriele. What we haven’t done, societally and within ourselves, is question the outrageousness of any single thought that would diminish, demean and hold ourselves as less – let alone any other.
Super, and insightful post Gabriele, I can very much relate to the silent, unspoken internal dialogue running its course… and as i loose the perfection streak [which is just judgement] about myself, and in turn other women, i find myself less in the sticky spider web…And as women we can feel this self internal dialogue and also of another woman which keeps us away from each other and away from true sisterhood – how things naturally should be, and what deep down we all want.
Such a needed topic of conversation- how we are as women to ourselves and to each other can be brutal and often at times we are totally unaware of the extent of it. We need to open up these conversations so that we can start to break it down and truly start to be open with each other without the comparison.
Finding fault and limitation with others is a clever trick of the mind to avoid feeling the deep hurts that are covered over with self-loathing, self judgement, critique and self condemnation. Self perpetuating abuse until we become aware of it and deal with it.
Then all our relationships with other women change based on honesty.
Yes Gabriele, we women can be our own worst unloving critic, or connect to the truth of us and move from our inner power, the power of sacredness. When we hold ourselves in this divine essence, we hold all others as equally beautiful in every way.
Women are super tender and delicate and the more they claim that, the more that Men will start to treat them accordingly.
So beautifully expressed Gabrielle. Women are marginalised in society and this can only occur because we have stubbornly refused to deeply love ourselves and each other. If women connected to their sacredness and truly appreciated themselves the way that the women you described at the wedding do the world would be a different place.
Yes I agree Gabriele, it has to start with us saying no to our own internal abusive self talk. Allowing this self denigration is disregard for self and others as it has the flow on affect.
It is lovely to feel your appreciation of the women at the wedding and how they each held and expressed a different quality of presence. Women coming together in appreciation of each other truly supports every one of us.
I love how you talk about the beauty of a woman comes from her eyes, and knowing that her beauty is from deep within. And also to showcase how much women size each other up and how harming that is for all of us.
Women are beautiful souls and when we make this connection and feel the exquisiteness within us there is no want to criticise or compare, as we see we are in essence all the same. When we are harsh and critical of ourselves and have unrealistic expectations we are like this with others. It is very lovely to be touched by the true beauty and sacredness in other women, which inspires us to let out our own.
That’s just the thing, our self talk determines a lot of how we are in the world so if it’s harsh and critical, of course we will approach all others with this too. So it starts with us, feeling and observing how we are and questioning our own negative self talk not letting it define or be us.
For me, your description of the three women at the wedding epitomises what true women are; women who know who they are as their connection to themselves on an innermost level is so strong and steady and as a result their beauty shines from the inside out. It is certainly in stark contrast as to how women in general have lived for such a long time; in competition with each, in perfectionism and in endless comparison to the women around them; how exhausting and destructive is that?
I’m sure if we could see the harm our thoughts imprint on ourselves and others – particularly if it instantly affected our ‘looks’ we would be pretty quick to take another look at the consequences of our thoughts. The cult of ‘looking good’ is a very powerful motivator, all for reasons that leave us feeling unworthy of appreciating the inner glow and beauty celebrated in this blog.
We look around and all we can see is people living with a certain degree of misery, jealousy and resigned compromise. Everyone seems to have these ideals you mention Gabriele, so after all why shouldn’t we? What you uncover so graciously here though, like a chef opening tin with great care, is that the thoughts we all get and live with every day may not actually be ours to wear. But if we are carrying a wound or bruising in ourselves about a topic like the way we look, it works like a hole in the side of our boat that these deceptive and totally false ideas can get in. Imagine a world where we all addressed these hurts instead of holding them within? Perhaps then we would see we are innocent, sweet and naturally light, and designed to live without judgements and fights.
Its rather stark to consider this example, where the women criticised her son’s partner, then went on to do the same to herself. Its rather sad we have created a world where this is the norm, and that even when praise is given it is sometimes layered with a falseness. It is great to read a different way of being, and how we do have the capacity to change that dialogue to a more positive one. I would say it requires the rejection of the ideals imposed from media of what women value, and that we all start to value the being in the body before all else.
As I’m sure most women will say ‘I relate’! “Would it then be true to say that it is the relentless and brutal self-talk, fuelled by and coupled with the cult of perfectionism that make a woman lash out at other women” This is also done through skills, intelligence, seniority in work situations and with raising a family… who does it better etc. It’s effectively trying to bury each other while we are in truth burying our own issues of hurt, low self worth and self loathing.
Great blog Gabriele. Let’s face it everyone, we are getting no where whatsoever with living a truly loving and healthy society when we are comparing and judging each other. If we did this verbally to each other we would sound like many of the older children do and like we say to them, we could also say that we need to grow up (not harden up but grow up because we are far far greater than all these silly games we play and we are all so loving and beautiful inside)!
This is a beautiful expose how everything starts with ourself. The love and care we bring to ourselves will be reflected in the way we are with another so it always comes back to how we treat ourself and the worthiness we hold ourselves in. And that can be tended to with every step more, bringing to us the care and love we deserve.
I was at that wedding and was also struck by the amazing poise of all the women present – no comparison, just a celebration of each other’s beauty – it was beautiful to experience.
‘The brutality of our created images’… a brilliant phrase that encapsulates what we have been fed in separation to who we truly are as women. There is such a magnificent beauty in every woman, and a love that can move mountains with her warmth. When we connect to this within ourselves, we cannot compete with one another, it is impossible. And that’s the responsibility we avoid – a responsibility that asks us to delve within, to rediscover and reclaim the true beauty that is there, the stillness, grace and sacredness that is innate, the essence of every single woman that walks this earth.
We deeply need to live our true sacredness and deep worth as women for we are bombarded in life with images that direct and confirm us otherwise and it is crucial that a woman first and foremost values herself for this inner quality is undeniably bright, leading the way for all other women and men to find their way home.
An important discussion to be had Gabriele – where does the obsessive and incessantly criticizing mind chatter about ourselves and others come from, and are we willing to take a true and honest look at it?
It truly does start within us and the worthiness and value we hold ourselves in, when we truly value ourself those self-bashing thoughts stand out more and so don’t get entertained as easily and it is a natural extension of that worth to see it equally in all others.
Gorgeous to read about what was reflected by the women at the wedding. In an era with so much ideals, images and demeaning self talk bombarding most of us constantly, and where it is common place to dish this out to other women and magnify the trap we are all in, it is a true blessing to have women as role models so clearly showing that our beauty, power and grace comes from our connection to the sacredness and responsibility within.
Something I am sure sadly every single woman can relate to. It makes sense if we criticise ourselves then we will find it easy to criticise another. If we truly appreciate and love ourselves we will find it truly easy to appreciate and love another. Good to get this out in the open and discuss this more.
Sadly it is ‘normal’ to live with a feeling of having to constant better ones self. It is this that then fills us with jealousy and comparison which brings forth the thoughts shared here. It takes a very committed love of ourselves, our skills and attributes to tip the scales where we shine as the three women did at this wedding. One saving grace is that we can ‘tip the scales’ at any moment, it simply takes one choice, followed by another and then another to live our love, let’s not wait another moment.
This is a gorgeous call to take responsibility for the harm that is caused when we choose to compare ourselves to images of seeming worth and as a result, lessen the worth we hold ourselves in. We absolutely need to stop and connect to the true beauty that lay within and live that in our thoughts and in all we do. We, and everybody else deserve nothing less.
“it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” It’s so important to call comparison and judgement out for what they are – brutal and obscene. Well said Gabrielle. I was walking down the street the other day and realised i had a constant dialogue running in my head, commenting to myself on what other women were wearing, their shape, their clothes, how they walked and moved……. It did feel obscene, and when I clocked it, what immediately came to me was how I am completely responsible for whether I continue contributing to the brutality and obscenity that is accepted by most women as being ‘normal’, or deepen my love of myself so much so that I accept myself for being perfectly imperfect, and can then accept and love all others in the same way.