My Appreciation of the Woman I am

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and was so blown away by what I saw. The words were out there in the room before I could stop them – ‘OMG I am so hot I don’t know why this mirror isn’t bursting into flames’. I suspect that this is the result of the growing appreciation of myself as the woman I am and the refusal to allow self-critical or self-bashing thoughts to invade my days. This has not always been the case.

Self-loathing and self-criticism

I have a history of an abusive childhood and in the past used to look into any mirror with dismay, anger and criticism, searching for faults and nodding my head when I saw them, seeking confirmation that I wasn’t what I should be.

What did I think I should be? Everything that wasn’t who I am.

I wanted: A different build, height, hair colour, less weight with no wrinkles, no saggy bits and no drooping bits.

Esoteric Breast Massage: Embracing Tenderness and Deepening My Understanding of Abuse

Recently, I had an Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) with Mary-Louise Myers at a Universal Medicine clinic. In this session I re-discovered how hard I still find it to come back into my body, to stay with myself, to actually connect and feel me and my tenderness. I was able to really feel how much I constantly brace myself and hold myself on guard. As if constantly expecting some type of abuse or harsh treatment and ‘preparing’ myself for it. As if this preparation would actually help me handle life better.

In my life I did not experience the ‘obvious’ type of abuse: I did not drink nor smoke nor take drugs when I was growing up (I tried each of them very briefly, but discovered that I could not handle them). I was not abused sexually or otherwise, nor raped. I have only ever had 2 intimate relationships with men, one of whom is my husband today (a very caring and tender man). And when I used to look at this list I would think to myself ‘why would I carry such a degree of fear, bracing myself for abuse and waiting for it to happen any moment?’

What I felt during the Esoteric Breast Massage session was that there was still a trauma locked in my body – a trauma that I thought I had explored, let go of and moved on from, yet it was still alive in my body.

Naturally, Tenderly Me

This has been a journey in which I am continuing to unfold.

I have been reminded by a few Esoteric Practitioners naming but two, Sara Williams and Natalie Benhayon, that I am naturally tender and that all I need to do is reconnect back to that tenderness and live with this connection every day.

Recently it has taken me by surprise to see and feel the level of tenderness I naturally am, as I have felt so very far from this for such a long time. Until the last few years I had lived a life of hardship in every sense, from day to day work to the simplest of tasks like food shopping. If there was a hard way to do something I would find it and that would be my way and, in that way I would moan and groan and feel sorry for myself, thinking and feeling that others always had it better off than me.

Learning to Express: Letting the Truth Out

by Bryony, London, UK

At first I felt reckless; had I really just outed myself as a former tenderness denier?

I felt nervous about telling someone close to me about writing on this blog because I was afraid of how they’d react, and of being criticised.

But – what if I chose to stay with me while telling them about something close to my heart, focussed on my reaction and how I am, instead of getting caught up in the tangled mess of their and then our emotional reactions? I decided to test it out.

Re-connecting to My Breasts – Living the Tenderness and Joy That I Am

by Janina Koch, Cologne, Germany

Yesterday I had an Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) with one of the beautiful Esoteric Healing practitioners from Norway. I was asked what my intention was for having the treatment and I said “appreciation for myself and also tenderness”.

I know that I am very tender but like to override how I feel i.e. the sensitivity and preciousness that I am.

I recently read many of the blogs in Women in Livingness about ‘Breasts’ which I have loved because, oh yes I have two breasts too!

The Esoteric Breast Massage – Rediscovering Sweetness

by Katerina Nikolaidis, Australia

When I was little I used to love dressing up, playing with my mum’s jewellery and spraying on her perfume. I would go into my room (hiding mum’s goodies under my arm, making sure she wouldn’t see I was ‘borrowing’ them), and play dress up, pretending I was a beautiful princess. I can’t quite remember how old I was when I bought my first lipstick, but I remember being told off for buying ‘grown-up things’ with my pocket money. And of course the disapproval and forbidding made the lipstick all the more desirable.

I also remember that I couldn’t wait to grow up. It didn’t feel sufficient being a child and there were too many do’s and don’ts that I wanted to be free of. As I grew into adulthood I became a beautiful woman physically, but I wouldn’t give myself permission to just accept this and be OK with it.

Precious Women – Frozen Behaviours

by Eva Rygg, Norway

Today the outside temperature in Oslo, Norway, is showing minus 18 degrees Celsius.

Now some of you might say that’s incredibly cold, however living in Norway we are used to these temperatures in periods over the winter.

I would like to share some reflections I have had around the possibility that the climate, as well as culture, does affect us.

Because – how is it that we can end up so totally disconnected from ourselves, that along the way we stop feeling how much we harm ourselves? One thing is that it happens gradually over the years, but yet another answer to it is we watch and see that this is how most people around us cope with life.

From Black Belt Kick Boxer to Tenderness

by JK, England

While I was having a long bath this morning, I took the time to appreciate how different my body feels lately. When I washed my feet, the hard skin that used to be on the balls of my feet has completely gone, the skin on my legs and arms and body is very soft and gentle, and my hair feels much thicker, shinier and healthier than it ever has. What I also felt was how much I can feel inside my body, and how sensitive (in a great and tender way) my body is to many things, such as the temperature of my bath water (not too hot or too cold) and the products I use on my body (for example, the ‘organic’ shampoo and conditioner I used today felt harsh and unloving – so I have binned it). And how I love to give myself ample time to take a long bath when I feel to. Boy, have I come a long way!

Fifteen years ago I was a junior black-belt kick boxer. I also cycled up mountains, did 100’s of press-ups and sit-ups as part of my kickboxing training, and regularly went jogging. I was, at that time, an associate director of a large healthcare organisation – and I used to turn up for work with bruises and broken toes (from the kickboxing). For anyone who doesn’t know me, I’m just about 5 foot tall, and very slight in build; I’ve pretty much always been this build, give or take a few pounds. I used to train with 6 foot-plus men for kickboxing – very few women got to junior black belt. I had a busy working life, working 50 to 60 hours a week and driving a round trip of 60 miles a day. I used to get so tired I couldn’t sleep, so I would buy a curry from the local Indian take-away and eat it to make me sleepy enough to sleep. I also ate chocolate and drank green tea to ‘pep’ me up when I felt tired during the day.