Recently, I had an Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) with Mary-Louise Myers at a Universal Medicine clinic. In this session I re-discovered how hard I still find it to come back into my body, to stay with myself, to actually connect and feel me and my tenderness. I was able to really feel how much I constantly brace myself and hold myself on guard. As if constantly expecting some type of abuse or harsh treatment and ‘preparing’ myself for it. As if this preparation would actually help me handle life better.
In my life I did not experience the ‘obvious’ type of abuse: I did not drink nor smoke nor take drugs when I was growing up (I tried each of them very briefly, but discovered that I could not handle them). I was not abused sexually or otherwise, nor raped. I have only ever had 2 intimate relationships with men, one of whom is my husband today (a very caring and tender man). And when I used to look at this list I would think to myself ‘why would I carry such a degree of fear, bracing myself for abuse and waiting for it to happen any moment?’
What I felt during the Esoteric Breast Massage session was that there was still a trauma locked in my body – a trauma that I thought I had explored, let go of and moved on from, yet it was still alive in my body.