My journey & experience through IVF & natural IVF

In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) is the process by which eggs are removed from your ovaries and mixed with sperm in a laboratory culture dish. Fertilisation takes place in this dish, “in vitro”, which means literally “in glass”. The embryo is then placed back into the womb for implantation.  

During a consultation of an IVF treatment you are advised that the aim is to produce as many eggs as possible, so there is a better chance of fertilisation. The process of IVF is to take over your body, by stopping your regular period cycles, in order to create more eggs to be used for fertilisation.  

During my IVF treatment I was advised that this is done by taking drugs for 2 weeks to down regulate hormones which puts the body into a “false menopause”. You are then given different drugs for two weeks to re-stimulate ovaries to create as many eggs as possible for fertilisation – it’s like shutting the system down and re-booting it again (artificially). 

My journey to becoming a parent and having a family of my own started when I was around 37 years old.  

Life was ticking along, I was feeling the pressure of ageing, society and running out of time.  

Looking back, my life was actually very intense, but at the time and being immersed in this constant commotion to me felt normal, like life is always just that way.  

I was holding two jobs, one of which was self-owned business, traveling long hours and always busy doing something, either working or socialising.  

Life never stopped, unless I was forced to stop.  

Every few months, I would go through colds, sinuses, back pains, intense periods, but never did I pause to ponder that these might have been messages from my body to slow down. I would have regular complementary treatments all the time believing this was supporting me and that with that as well as with exercise and food I could somehow get my life in balance. I would go on detoxes convinced the body needed it, even if it didn’t. I trained as a yoga teacher and in meditation, convinced all of this was bringing balance into my life before I embarked on the journey to try for a baby.  

But my body was not responding so we explored IVF.  

I went through the whole four weeks of taking drugs daily, from down regulating to re-stimulation. To begin with I felt no side effects. I was too determined to make it work, that nothing would have stopped me. On collection, they managed to retrieve three eggs which they were able to fertilise, and put back two embryos for implantation. The implantation failed. It wasn’t until this point that I started to feel the impact my body had gone through. I had not stopped working throughout the drug stage and I felt exhausted. I only stopped for the two weeks after the embryo was put back hoping that would support. But in truth, reflecting back, there was no or very little chance for the process to work.  

It was a very quick process and I never really allowed any time to fully understand the impact of the treatment. I had three tries on IVF and what stuck in my head was that the treatment takes you through “false menopause”. At the time I did not understand menopause and, honestly, I was not interested in knowing. The fact that I had painful periods was not a concern to me or to my consultants. During internal examinations I was informed I only had one active ovary. The other had shut down and was not visible in the scans. And yet, even at this point when I was given a clear warning that something was not right, I didn’t listen. Determined to have a child I went along with the whole process. 

I had been pushing my body so hard and working to the point of exhaustion which was considered totally normal and no different to how the majority around me were living. I never for a moment considered that my painful periods and clotting, my colds, sinuses and permanent state of exhaustion could be at all connected with the way I was living and what I had been putting my body through. And even though I felt a high level of exhaustion I was determined to put my body through the IVF with all the drugs just to have a baby. I was too fixated on: baby first, body second.  

What came after was horrible. I went through major depression and decided I would not put myself through IVF again. I started seeing a friend who was practicing the Esoteric Healing Modalities who I had been seeing during the IVF Program. Without any judgment she allowed me the loving space to connect to a deeper understanding within myself of the choices I had been making and how they had been affecting my body and my general way of being. 

I started to truly want to find ways to support my body and to look at what I could possibly change about the way I was living in order to get a greater understanding of what was going on for me, hence my return to the practitioner for more Esoteric Healing to go deeper in dealing with the hurts I was feeling, like sadness and depression. My practitioner had changed over the years I had known her and I was inspired, so I wanted to know how and what changes she made in her life. It was from this inspiration that I went on to attend Universal Medicine presentations. I started to take responsibility for my life.  

At first I worked on my exhaustion by going to bed earlier to get enough restful sleep. I then stopped drinking alcohol as I found that it added to the exhaustion and definitely made my depression worse. Next, I started to change my diet and looked closer at what I was eating that was adding to the tiredness I felt. I explored foods without gluten, diary and sugar, given that I found these all contributed to my tiredness. This way of living felt amazing. I felt healthier and more energised in my body than I ever had. I looked younger than my age. To me this was a definite big improvement in the way I was living. 

At some point I met Natalie Benhayon who I learnt was offering Esoteric Ovary Massage as a part of Esoteric Healing. What prompted my particular interest in approaching Natalie was that I wanted to explore if there was a connection between the way I was living my life and the fact, as confirmed by my medical consultant, that my reproductive system had shut down. I began regular sessions with Natalie twice a year with the intention to at least attempt to uncover what might be buried deep down in my ovaries. With the support of Natalie and other practitioners, I began to be much more sensitive to how my body was and to really see why my body was in the state it was. My periods, which were regular as clockwork prior to IVF never returned to normal. I had gaps when I never had a period and these gaps started getting bigger during cycles.  

My commitment to heal my own body kept growing and with the support of Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and their practitioners I was opening to all that was being presented and shared, be that through sessions, workshops or courses. There was lots of great wisdom being shared which I took on board and applied into my daily life with practical tools and techniques, one of them being the Gentle Breath Meditation – a simple way and a great support to connecting back to my body through creating moments of stops. Another was the Esoteric Yoga, a very gentle and powerful yoga where I was able to bring full awareness back into the body through a deeper level of stillness, which is possible through surrender of the body and mind, causing the mind to stop wandering and allowing the body to focus on the stillness within. My body started to process and eventually clear a lot of hurts and buried issues.  

Two years later I was still feeling the want to have a child as did my husband, however, I could not face going through traditional IVF again. I found out about Natural IVF, investigated a bit more, and discovered a clinic that specialised and encouraged Natural IVF over IVF, as it is less invasive, does not require drugs for one month and there is no reason why women with low ovarian reserves need to take the full drugs. In my case this made sense as I had low ovarian reserves. The fact that there were no drugs to take is what interested me since it was less invasive to the body. My husband and I went along for an open evening and we found out more about both forms of IVF and why Natural IVF is a better and cheaper option for me.  

Natural IVF is very simple. You are monitored from the two weeks before ovulation to check the egg is growing and then when they feel it’s at a right size, you take one injection so you don’t ovulate and then within that 48hrs the egg is collected, fertilised in the laboratory and the embryo put back. No side effects of drugs.  

My experience with this clinic was amazing. They checked everything and with a 3D scanner they could see blood flow to the womb. The scans were regular, every other day, to know when the egg would be ready for collection. They also knew that my blood was not thin enough to support implantation so agreed to give me blood thinners to aid the process. 

I was told before I commenced on the program that both my ovaries were functioning again. This was a miracle considering one had completely shut down a few years prior. I got to understand that through even the simplest changes I had made in my life, such as slowing down, taking even small breaks to rest when feeling tired, being active but not frantic, focusing on how I moved around and conducted myself throughout a day even down to some very simple things and something I used to discard as ‘unimportant’ like keeping my body warm when any part of it was cold, going to the loo when I needed to and not waiting till I was ‘bursting’ and all of the increased awareness of the importance of looking after myself like I might after a precious newborn came with the support of the Esoteric Modalities, and the more great results I was experiencing the more I was able to make more loving choices, which allowed this miracle to happen. It was my own way of living that brought this amazing change. I was definitely the queen of that castle. 

I was informed that as I had very low ovarian reserves I only had a 10% chance of success rate. What was beautiful about this place was that they were open and honest and it never felt like it was about making money but truly supporting me and actually wanting a positive outcome.  

Two weeks later when I was informed I was pregnant I was over the moon. Yet, part of me could not believe how quick, simple and less invasive it was especially after the previous journey I had gone through. I had some doubts and knew my body still had a lot more to heal, even though I really wanted to be a mother and wanted my own child. I went for a 6-week scan, then a 7-week scan. I was then called back for another scan as they picked up some abnormality. The 8-week scan showed that the embryo’s heart beat had stopped. My heart felt like it had stopped too. The consultants and nurses were so lovely and reassured me not to give up. I was in shock. I could not cry, but I felt my body hardening and going into protection mode. My upper chest tightened and closed inupper arms tensed up and lower arms become heavier. I didn’t want to speak to anyone about my loss because I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me. Instead, I put on a brave face and went on with my day. 

It so happened that straight after the scan I had an Esoteric Healing session. I shared my experience and had the space to connect to what I felt more deeply and feel the sadness of the loss and allow the grieving process. I was able to surrender and let go and feel the sadness. I had to allow the body to go through natural miscarriage. 

During the next few weeks I worked on just simply allowing my body to go through what it was going through, until the night when the miscarriage took place. I had three hours of intense pain, as the lining of my womb separated from the fetus. The pain was excruciating and no pain killer was touching this pain. I had to just bear the pain and allow it to pass. In these moments my life flashed me by in how I had been living, what I was experiencing and in that I felt there was a major healing of past momentums. The next several weeks were tough as I had to deal with loss, but with the support of Esoteric practitioners, the process felt much easier than I might have expected it to be as my body went through some great healing. I came to understand there was nothing I had done wrong, but that in the same way we all have a choice, the child had a choice too and in this case the child chose not to come. This for me was a great healing moment.  

In the coming days I had a whole week of support where I received numerous healing sessions and support from Serge Benhayon and various other practitioners. 

I knew I had one more chance still to try again. Three months later rather than giving myself six months needed break I rushed into the last Natural IVF. Needless to say, my body was not ready and this time no eggs were collected, just a fractured egg.  

The consultant was honest with me and shared I would be wasting money to try with my own eggs as I had very few eggs left. She advised the better option for me was to go with an egg donor and that my body was strong enough to carry even until I was sixty. On one side it was sad to hear that I had very little chance of having my own child, but it was a great confirmation in how having taken much greater care of myself had such profound impact on my body that I now had a higher chance of carrying a child. What I learnt from all this is that the body is very clever. It knows everything and it really is up to us to continuously make loving choices, to support our body to stay healthy.  

Many would say my journey is sad or even unfortunate. When people ask if I have children and I explain I have not been able to have my own, they feel sorry or don’t know what to say. I share with them that it’s ok, it’s my journey and it’s been a huge blessing, one where I have learnt so much about my body, how I have lived and how I have learnt through my own living experience that my every choice affects everythingWhat we cannot do is underestimate our body and the messages that we constantly get given. 

Ironically (or not) I have learnt more about parenting and children through Universal Medicine, courses, workshops and presentations, through our attempt to adopt a child and perhaps most significantly through being with and observing other children grow up around me.  

There is no right and wrong in how we become a parent. The IVF process in fact brought me to my new understandings and that the key thing is to firstly understand and honour our bodies and how we live. 

Today I feel very blessed that I have a deep level of understanding about my body, my own healing, self-care, self-nurturing and self-love. 

By Amita, UK 

Published with permission of my husband. 

For further inspiration.. 

What if infertility is about my relationship with me first and foremost? 

A young woman’s journey from the very first excruciatingly painful period…to clearing the build-up of tension & lack of care in her body… 

Women are Magnificent

In my work as a midwife I have the awesome privilege to be with women when they can resource deeply their true magnificence.

Being pregnant and giving birth is a time in a woman’s life when she has a relationship with her body that is very real and full. A time when she can get to know herself and her true strength and qualities, as her body does some of the most amazing and miraculous things ever. Continue reading “Women are Magnificent”

Well-Being for Women Melbourne – the Impact of Anxiety and Stress 

Every woman wants to feel safe to be themselves within a group of women; we secretly crave to have a deeper level of intimacy with each other. The Esoteric Women’s Health Well-being for Women group in Melbourne on Sunday 17th March offered just that – the topic discussed was anxiety and stress.   Continue reading “Well-Being for Women Melbourne – the Impact of Anxiety and Stress “

A Frozen Shoulder: Thawing my Resistance to my Inner Quality

Three days ago, I woke up with a frozen shoulder; I was unable to sleep the prior night or get out of bed. This has happened before, but this time, with the help of my amazing practitioner, Jenny Ellis, I really listened to the message being offered up. I came to understand the message along with fixing the actual physical pain. And this is what I discovered… Continue reading “A Frozen Shoulder: Thawing my Resistance to my Inner Quality”

Manly Women

I grew up in a culture where a woman’s place really is in the kitchen (or the bedroom).

There are certain social, widely accepted ‘norms’ that must be followed: the man is the head, the bread winner, the tough iron shield of the family; the woman, the woman, as my male relative would put it is the “neck of the family, supporting the head in deciding the way forward”. But in truth, the neck is to very quietly express their opinion, and only where it suits the ideals of the men because at the end of the day, it’s the head that makes the decision.

Continue reading “Manly Women”

What does your Cervix Say?

Have you ever wanted your best friend on tap 24/7? What if you had a direct open phone line with truth, with yourself, on tap? An innate wisdom and sacredness that knows which choices to make, how to move, how to eat, how to sleep, how to breathe, how to walk, how to dress. A wisdom that knows how to respond all of the time, in any given situation, even in new situations that spring up unexpectedly – and, it was absolutely free of charge? Wouldn’t that be remarkable?

Well ladies, you do, we all do!

Continue reading “What does your Cervix Say?”

How Breast Cancer Led Me To A New Way Of Living

I stood in front of the mirror and was drawn to my eyes… they were shining and so full of light that I stayed there for quite some time, mesmerised by the beauty they radiated and promised. The sheer sweetness and delicacy in my face reminded me of the beautiful little girl inside me – a sweet, moment… a soul-full moment… I was alive because I had discovered a new way of living.

4 years ago when I looked in the same mirror, my eyes reflected a dullness, a tiredness, sadness, struggle, a giving up and an ache, a longing to know that there had to be more to life than my painful existence. I tended to avoid looking deeply into my eyes because truth never hides when sought and the truth was painful – my eyes spoke volumes.

Jacqueline in the Bahamas aged 44

So what happened in the short space of 4 years? I changed… I changed my life, or it could be said that life changed me, and I was more than ready.

The diagnosis of breast cancer in July 2011 was a life changing event for me in a magnificent way, mainly because it was the catalyst of letting go of an old way of living (from my head) and beginning to live from my body – a whole new experience. From the intelligence of my body I knew which choices would truly support and that is why they were so successful and brought a new quality to my life.

What Were The Choices I Made?

My very first decision was to put myself first in my life.

My second decision was to give myself all the support my body and I needed.

My third decision was to combine medical treatment with complementary treatments in the form of Scared Esoteric Healing and Esoteric Chakra Puncture, modalities presented by Serge Benhayon of Universal Medicine.

From these three decisions, all other choices I made naturally unfolded… I made changes to my diet, sleep, exercise… but mainly I slowed down and in this slower pace it was clear to see what mattered and what didn’t. It was heaven to take all the rest and sleep my body needed at any time of the day… for as long as I needed.

It took me to develop breast cancer to break this life-long pattern of putting all others before myself, so ingrained and unconscious this habit had become. By doing so, by cutting this old energy of self-abuse, I was saying “No More!” to a lifestyle that led to my breast cancer and I was saying yes to a new way of living that was truly self-supporting. Without realizing this then, I was actually building a new foundation for my life that would not only greatly support me during treatment, but how I was going to move forward, that is, how I was going to live after treatment ended.

My second decision was born from the first and was very powerful because I turned my old pattern of being unable to receive or ask for support on its head to: “I need all the support that is available to guide me through a land I had never travelled before – breast cancer”.

My third decision was born from the second.  I just knew that the combination of both medicines (conventional and Esoteric Medicine) would provide all the support my body needed, addressing all the parts of me that desperately needed attention – the whole me and not just my right breast. This proved to be a very wise decision.

And in that very wise decision came a new insight, which was;

I had a significant part to play in my own recovery.

All of a sudden, there was me, there was my medical treatment and esoteric medicine; so much support for me. This feeling of so much support, something I had never had before, somehow comforted me on many levels, so much so that there was no way I could feel powerless, or feel like a victim, or go into ‘fight’ mode as is expected as soon as you get cancer. When I allowed the support I could let go of the struggle of having to do things on my own!

To Fight or To Surrender?

Had I not met Serge Benhayon and had his loving support, I too feel I would have taken on the fight, making it impossible to surrender – making it impossible to accept what I had created.

But as it was, not one bone in my body said, “I have to fight this cancer”. My whole life had been a battle and I was so done with the struggle, I had no fight left in me to either fight life or my breast cancer. The moment I gave up the ‘fight’ was the moment I could surrender, was the moment I allowed grace to enter… and this was the moment I could have all the support I could handle.

Now I have come to understand why I always felt a lack of support in my life was simply because I was not ready to take responsibility for my life or my choices. When I did take responsibility so much support was there for me, and having adequate support in place was crucial for me as it took away so much of my fear which initially had overwhelmed me, as fear had kept me in resistance to treatment.

The belief that we have to fight cancer, is a great distraction from truly seeing what learning is being offered to us by the cancer in our body, and what life style changes it is asking us to make.

For instance I have come to understand from what Serge Benhayon presents, that the breasts are the nurturing centres of the body, therefore my breast cancer was showing me the deep lack of self-nurturing I had for myself. I had no clue how to self-nurture, nor self-nourish, having always taken care of others first. I had to re-learn how to truly self-care and self-nurture, which flowed naturally when I started listening to my body and what it was communicating to me.

Life Is About Quality

Having surrendered and accepted my part in creating breast cancer my life took on a new quality. My quality of life changed because I was choosing to allow support, self-support, self-nurture, self-nourishment, which began a new relationship and reconnection with my body. Ah my body…

Truth never hides when sought, and truth can be painful. The painful truth for me was that I had given up on myself, then used many distractions not to feel this – not to feel how deeply disconnected and checked-out I was with my body. But, as I discovered: honouring myself reconnected me with my body and brought me back to truth and truth brought me back to myself and my sweetness…

Jaqueline McFadden - After Breast Cancer
Jacqueline aged 50 living with the sweetness of who she is

The beautiful, sweet little girl I had always been inside began to trust – trust herself, trust in people, trust in life, trust that her purpose in life was just to be herself, and with this knowing, she could let go of how serious, small and constricted her life had become, (her old way of living) and open to the grandness that life is, that she is, that we all are… This is such a sweet moment, a soul-full moment because I am alive; you just have to look into my eyes…

Jacqueline-Loving Life after Cancer
Jacqueline aged 50 radiant and loving life 4 years after being diagnosed with breast cancer

I am a Soul. We are all souls on this earth finding our way back home; self-love is the key.

‘True Power is in honouring who you truly are’.
Serge Benhayon.

I am forever grateful and deeply inspired by ‘The Way of the Livingness’, the loving reflection of Serge Benhayon, all the Benhayon family, and all the Universal Medicine practitioners who reflect this new way of living. A heart-full thank you to you all for all the loving support I have received in finding and living truth again.

By Jacqueline McFadden, The Netherlands

More groundbreaking articles by Jacqueline McFadden
 Breast Cancer – Prevention Has to be Better than a Cure  
“My life had been my own creation… including my breast cancer……”

Preventing Breast Cancer – Changing How We Feel About Our Bodies
“It is NOT normal to intensely reject, and loathe our bodies. It is a billion, trillion, zillion times away from normal…”

You may also Enjoy reading:

Read Fiona McGovern’s deeply inspiring account of how she found herself in My Right Breast – Finding Me Beneath the Cancer  “I have found the reflection of how to be a woman! It was with me all along, waiting for me to reconnect to her…I have met me.”

Fiona’s writing continue in My Marriage of Conventional Medicine and Esoteric Medicine
“People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is.  The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.”

My Lips, Red Lipstick and Me

I suppose that almost every woman has to criticize something about herself: her legs, her bum, her breasts, her hair, her nose – sad but true.

For a long time for me it was my lips.

I really did not like my lips. They were small and slim, had no true colour and they felt hard. I felt there was no point in giving them any attention, other than some light, almost colourless lip-gloss sometimes.

One day a friend of mine, while we were sharing with other friends what kind and colours of lipsticks we use, said to me: “I think that a warm deep red would suit you very well!”

“Whaat?“ I said. There’s no way I would wear a darker colour and especially not red! My lips are small and in no way beautiful enough for the colour red!

Over the next two days she ‘haunted’ me with the red lipstick. Every time I saw her she said smilingly, ‘red lipstick!’ and I’d start to run….

Continue reading “My Lips, Red Lipstick and Me”

The Princess and the Pea – with Socks On

Do you remember the story of the Princess and the Pea? It is the one where the princess can feel a pea under her mattress. More and more mattresses are piled on top of it but she can still feel the pea. Most of us do not have royal status but it is interesting to ponder on our own human sensitivity and how we often override what we feel.

For example, how often do we put up with uncomfortable clothing because it is fashionable, looks good or is a particular colour? This can apply to any outfit ­– dresses, trousers, coats, even underwear, shoes and socks.  Continue reading “The Princess and the Pea – with Socks On”

Responsibility for My Body and Health – The Lesson I learned From My Mother’s Breast Cancer

by Penny Scheenhouwer, 44 yrs old, Brisbane, Australia

I was 18 when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 42. Back then I thought of my mother as old. It was not until a few years ago that I realised how young she was for a first diagnosis and that I came to appreciate how valuable the lessons I learnt from my mother’s breast cancer really were.  Continue reading “Responsibility for My Body and Health – The Lesson I learned From My Mother’s Breast Cancer”