My Right Breast – Finding Me Beneath the Cancer

by Fiona McGovern, BA PGCE, Isle of Arran, Scotland 

For some months now, when I lay in bed or in a warm bath I have been holding my right breast, the one where the cancerous tumor is… the tissue is softening around the tumor.

At first I expected to feel something, waiting to feel that womanliness I had always missed. I wanted to feel something grand or perhaps simply warmth – but in truth there was nothing. What I was feeling was the deep level of disconnection I had to me and to me as a woman.

However, I wasn’t hard on myself like I would have been in the past. Instead I waited patiently accepting that this was all part of the process. I felt how I was with the breast and could feel my touch was clinical – looking for areas of hardness and yes at times wishing the hardness would go away.

I found my touch could be tenderer, so I began to place my hands on my heart and feel the tenderness there. As it grew in tenderness whilst I held the right breast, I began to breathe more tenderly and feel the course of that tenderness through my body. I realised that in the past my breath was to get me through the day as efficiently as possible, maintaining the good, nice image of me I had created. It also came to me that my life was really a battle on the inside because this image was not the real me… I knew this but I pushed that emptiness down not knowing what to do with it or what might happen if I truly felt it.

I also observed my mind and my self-talk. I became aware of how my mind would wander off to other people, their well-being, how they were or going over what they had told me was happening for them. I came to realise how any nurturing I could feel was for others. Then I noticed that my self-talk wasn’t nurturing… it felt distant and clinical and I actually wasn’t sure how to be self-nurturing. What did nurturing truly feel like?

Next my hand would want to move, to be doing something as if I didn’t want to feel the extent of how out of touch with me I was. I stayed with all of this patiently like I would with a young child, I held my hand steady and then I got to another layer – I realised I felt no nurturing for me.

Holding my breast I felt that emptiness and the lie I once chose to live.

I can also now fully accept the blessing of the tumour, as it made me stop and begin to feel again. What I now feel is the beauty and fullness of me within, which I chose to hide from the world so much so that I could no longer feel why I had started to hide away my true self. I could no longer feel the tension between the truth and what society bombarded me with; you’re too skinny, how come you eat so much and don’t put on weight, there’s nothing of you, when you have children you will develop and why aren’t you like so and so. I used my work and study as a cushion and I became very good at being good; eating all the ‘right’ foods, exercising and doing good… none of this was done to truly nurture me but to function well in society, to gain some kind of acceptance and recognition. I had lost contact with me, so how could I nurture me?

I felt that there was a deep belief that I didn’t deserve nurturing.

This belief felt very empty and cold and uncomfortable but also very familiar and however uncomfortable, I knew this was something I had grown up with and had struggled to resolve. Dreams have since indicated that this belief stemmed from religion and I also feel there were cultural impositions too.

So I continued to wait patiently, allowing my touch to become tenderer and my self-talk to be supportive and loving. What I began to feel was the sadness of having lived so far away from being the woman and under all these layers which were not me lay my true self – beauty-full, warm, loving, delicate, all encompassing, precious, very playful, ever deepening and ever expanding love.

I had always felt the answers lay outside of me – in a book or a course. I would look at other women thinking they must have something I didn’t. Was it in the clothes? The make up? Or them having children?

Nowhere could I find confirmation that I was beautiful and that what I valued was of worth. It seemed I was really not very cool; I didn’t smoke, take drugs, drink alcohol, couldn’t understand sport or gossip, I liked to be in bed early, go for walks and giggle. I have always been slim and small breasted and that seemed to be a ticket for others to constantly pass comments on… I didn’t seem to measure up to what the world expected of a growing woman.

Patiently I have held my breast and waited… accepting that all these realisations were part of the process of shedding layers of what was there. Hiding underneath all of this was the true me.

Why all the layers when what I feel now is warm and beauty-full and ever deepening and expanding? 

I guess I grew up believing that I had to look outside for what a woman was and who I was. I felt unable to find support to fully express my beauty. This beauty seemed too delicate for the world so I protected myself – I found that working hard and nurturing others gave me a place where I could keep those layers intact. I gave up on ever being or expressing the true me. I can now feel how doing the nurturing for others drained and exhausted my body, which just wanted me to be me.

So much so that it said: Fiona, now we have to stop and if you won’t feel we will show you what the result of all that hardness on yourself is. It made me see what those hard layers look like, in the form of a ‘fungating tumour’ in my right breast. What began as two small lumps grew and fungated, which means the tumour had broken the skin – not very pretty and very hard.

With medication and amazing support from the Medical staff this is now healing and the tissues are beginning to soften. With the support of Esoteric practitioners the tissues are softening even more and responding beautifully to the love I now allow myself to feel. I have reconnected to the beauty within, to that preciousness and to the joy of sharing it.

How blessed to have this time to rediscover me, to deeply feel how unloving of myself I had been in my life before I came across Esoteric Healing, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and to have the support to change my old patterns from ones which were uncaring to ones which support me to be more of me.

When I now hold my breast I begin to feel something deep that I have held back from the world.

I realised I placed high expectations on me and my body – pushing it, keeping it fit and healthy (or so I thought) when in fact what I was doing was taking me further away from feeling myself as a woman and from the beauty within.

I now have within the Esoteric Community loads of women who reflect back to me how it is to live like a true woman. Moment by moment I discover more depth to that beauty and the hardness on myself falls away.

The reflection of how to be me and the natural, self-nurturing woman I am, is in the deepening connection to me and the expression of this in the world is not in looking outside of me, being good, trying hard or expecting anyone to have the answers for me.

I know the way – it is deep inside of me. My heart knows, my body feels it and from that place of love and beauty I express.

As the tenderness deepens I reconnect to deeper levels of me and have the joy of sharing this.

I sat in front of my dressing table the other day and smiled. From being unable to look in the mirror and treating the dressing table as just somewhere to dump things, to now enjoying looking in the mirror and the dressing table has become a place which confirms me as a woman; with beauty-full boxes of jewellery, bottles of rose and lavender water, make up brushes and make up, I see an inspiring picture of a woman in her beauty. I smile at what is reflected back – a woman who now feels her beauty from inside.

I have found the reflection of how to be a woman! It was with me all along, waiting for me to reconnect to her…

I have met me.   

Also by Fiona McGovern:

Reflection after Chemotherapy

My marriage of Conventional Medicine and Esoteric Medicine

How Cancer has Changed my Life

Dedication

Fiona passed away on the 2nd of September 2013. Her loving husband shares that hers was a very peaceful passing whilst he held her hand. This, her final blog, was completed only hours before her last breath. All her amazing blogs are a genuine testimony to her deep deep understanding of true healing and that of her illness. Her words can no doubt continue to inspire ALL .

Fiona’s lightheartedness, her Joy and the Grace with which she wrote is palpable. These words breathe certain power which in turn have a potential to ignite the same in others. 

What a truly amazing imprint, left by a truly Amazing Woman.

163 thoughts on “My Right Breast – Finding Me Beneath the Cancer

  1. I love how the more you held your right breast the deeper you were able to connect to you and your tenderness. Just taking those few minutes can be life changing, when we allow ourselves to surrender to the innate beauty that lies beneath the layers of protection and holding back we accumulate in our life

  2. This is a deeply inspiring blog.. coming back to it a year later makes me reflect on the changes I’ve been inspired to make in my life, and that this is an ever deepening process that doesn’t stop, and ripples out to others.

  3. Feeling the blessing of the cancer that gave Fiona an opportunity to re-connect to the beauty of her divine essence and share it with us all.

  4. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and inspiring many, ‘The reflection of how to be me and the natural, self-nurturing woman I am, is in the deepening connection to me and the expression of this in the world is not in looking outside of me, being good, trying hard or expecting anyone to have the answers for me.’

  5. Fiona, from your commitment to uncovering and healing the root causes of your breast cancer you have left an invaluable resource, through your writings, for all women to deepen their connection with their womanly bodies and their inner beauty. Thank you for your honesty and for the loving gift and blessing you have given to us.

  6. I love what Fiona shared, it is so true we make our lives about function and abandon ourselves, ‘I used my work and study as a cushion and I became very good at being good; eating all the ‘right’ foods, exercising and doing good… none of this was done to truly nurture me but to function well in society, to gain some kind of acceptance and recognition. I had lost contact with me, so how could I nurture me?’

  7. Very inspiring, allowing ourselves to be in our tenderness and sharing this no matter what, ‘As the tenderness deepens I reconnect to deeper levels of me and have the joy of sharing this.’

  8. I could feel your beauty emanating from the blog as you wrote. What you have shared is a blessing for all of us no matter what our state of health or diagnosis, it is medicine for living. Thank you for what you have left behind for us.

  9. “I have found the reflection of how to be a woman! It was with me all along, waiting for me to reconnect to her… I have met me.” This is beautiful, inside of us we know how to be a wonan. It is about learning how to listen to that and not to the outside world.

  10. I wonder how many women with breast cancer don’t feel they deserve nurturing. It was only in my fifties when I came across Universal Medicine that I came across the concept of self-nurturing. It certainly wasn’t given in any parental or school information, because they didn’t know (weren’t aware). Yet so many women do not have this amazing information that we can do something about illness, either preventively or when in recovery.

  11. There is such a deep beauty in what Fiona has shared here, her acceptance of the process of feeling where she is at, that the choices made need to be felt but that we are never at our core not love and in time as we allow ourselves to feel more we feel this too. And to come to a place of such deep understanding that a tumour is a gift is stunning … no matter what we meet we too can choose this understanding that it’s all there to bring out the love we naturally are.

    1. I agree – to understand the gift and the opportunity that illness can give us turns the victim mentality on its head. To know we can do something about our own state of health, regardless of how precarious it is, brings back a power and authority, rather than a giving up attitude and a complete handing over to the medics who care for us ( who we also need.)

  12. Such deeply healing and inspiring sharing Fiona, when we honour ourselves and the beauty we hold as women we discover there is much to appreciate about us and life.

  13. This touches me deeply and brings up just how I need to deepen my connection to myself with the understanding that this connection is to be forever surrendered to.

  14. This is such a truly beautiful expression, I’m so glad Fiona found Universal Medicine so that she could truly find herself during the physical illness, yet experience healing something quite profound within herself at the same time. As a woman who has lived for others I can relate to these two lines “I came to realise how any nurturing I could feel was for others”, and “I can now feel how doing the nurturing for others drained and exhausted my body, which just wanted me to be me.” I was actually just reflecting on my relationship today with a family member which involved me for years giving my care and attention this person, and I can feel how exhausted my body still is from living this way, even though that role ended a few years ago. Not nurturing ourselves and always thinking of others is exhausting – we deserve our own love, care and time, and to simply be ourselves for ourselves.

  15. Re-reading this truly inspiring blog I am struck by the patience that Fiona had to allow her body to unfold the layers of protection that she had built up to re-find the connection to her divine essence and then celebrate it and share that with others in her writing.

    1. That’s a beautiful comment Helen and reminds me too of the loving patience required as I unfold the layers of protection to reveal the real me again, thank you.

  16. Deeply inspiring to feel what Fiona has shared here, that life is about unfolding and connecting to the love within and living that. This reminds me of something super important to feel where we are, to understand that all our past choices have had an impact and yet to know that underneath all those things the love is there and it’s about feeling each layer without expectation or a need to have it change. This is the way to live.

  17. Reading this blog reminds me of what life is all about.. to be me and to enjoy it. To let go of the hardness and demands, expectations etc that I place on myself. I can so relate to feeling nothing but numbness in my body but reading this has inspired me to keep going, to come back to and deepen my relationship with my body and allow myself to feel more deeply.

    1. Deepening our relationship with our body can not only benefit us as individuals, but extends out to everyone we meet in our daily lives – and beyond

    2. Yes and how important is it for us to consider this before our body has broken down and we have to do it because we are forced to? The gift Fiona has given us is the wisdom of foresight for us to deepen the relationship with our bodies so we can live, as you say, being ourselves and enjoying it!

  18. So often we get caught in ‘doing’ life instead of honouring our ‘being’ and bringing that to life. What Fiona presents here is just that, considering herself in life and setting the standard for how she will be with life.

  19. This is a beautiful blog, inspiring us all to re-imprint our lives with the love we hold deep within, and to know that every movement we make from that love is gentle and tender, and reconnecting to the woman we are is a celebration we can celebrate everyday.

  20. This is a powerfully inspirational blog that has touched me to the core. Every time I read it I am captivated as if I am reading it for the first time and the healing it offers comes again as there is always something for me to look at.

    1. Yes I love the richness of this blog and how there are always deeper layers to uncover within it just as there are in our healing journeys as we let go of the layers of protection that we have built up.

  21. This is an inspiration and a wake up call, it is an offering and a reminder of the responsibility I have to live all of me and that anything less is a but a waste of breath. This blog will not be read in vain, I feel grateful to have read it and ready to embody the essence of its message.

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