My journey with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome

Since my early twenties I have had severely irregular periods and could go three to six months, sometimes longer, without any.   

I was overweight, moody and had excess facial hair. 

I felt uncomfortable as a woman. 

I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and so began my journey with ‘fixing’ my periods.  

For as long as I can remember I’ve tracked my periods, complete with my own shorthand, noting symptoms and any other details I felt to include. 

We’re talking 20 years here.  

Initially, the main reason was because I didn’t know when or if I’d get the period.   

What is PCOS? 

Internet search would inform one that PCOS was first ‘discovered’ in 1935. Estimates suggest between 5 and 10% of women aged between 18 and 44 are affected. 

Symptoms can vary and be more or less severe, but in general they can include irregular periods, hormonal issues, excess body hair, mood swings, weight and fertility issues. According to medical claim PCOS is not curable but can be treated and managed. 

I’m now 51 and for the last 15 years I’ve had regular periods which are less heavy and with less PMS symptoms than ever before. They just flow, and I genuinely love having them. No longer do I have all those terrible symptoms and the dread I’d felt for years around my periods is now gone.   

It’s been a huge celebration to get to a place where I have regular periods, usually every 30 days or so, and my whole body and attitude has changed. I’ve lost significant amounts of weight and those mood swings are now a thing of the past. I am more on an even keel than ever before. My whole approach to life has changed, and I now enjoy being me. I can safely say that I do delight in being a woman.   

For years I’d felt being a woman was a chore and my issues with periods and having to work so hard to have something close to regular ones, I took as a confirmation of that struggle. I’d have that inner voice which said, you’re born a woman, and it’s your natural state of being and yet, here you are with facial hair, which looks really ugly, periods you’re never entirely sure of, excess weight and a general clumsiness around how you feel about yourself and who are you. There wasn’t an ease or a joy in being who I was, rather a struggle and a tetchiness which wasn’t pleasant for anyone, not for me or those around me. Put it this way, you really didn’t want to cross me (!) 

What changed? 

After my initial diagnosis I tried many things following hormonal tests and consultations with endocrinologists and gynecologists. I was prescribed Dianette, a form of the contraceptive pill which addresses hirsutism and gives you ‘regular’ periods. For 8 years I took Dianette and it worked in that I had what you might call ‘regular’ periods. My facial hair became less whilst in addition I had electrolysis and laser to address it. Otherwise, I was still overweight and still had mood swings.   

Eventually I decided I wanted to find out how my body really was and how my periods were really going.  

I came off Dianette.  

I was disappointed, but not surprised, to find that my periods returned to being as irregular as ever, without the prop of Dianette, and that not much had really changed. 

Much research followed, as I wanted to find another way to address it and not just mask what was going on. I read many forums, talked to many people who discussed how important diet, and in particular sugar, was with PCOS. I began seeing a nutritionist who specialised in Women’s Health and started taking supplements, chromium in particular to help support me to reduce my sugar intake. For a while I dabbled in many alternate methods including homeopathy and herbs, which brought my periods under control to some degree, so more regular, but still up to 6 weeks in between. Nevertheless, it all felt like I was managing the symptoms and just scratching the surface of the greater, underlying problem. 

Having understood that diet and lifestyle were key for me, I continued experimenting with food – dropping dairy over time, cutting back on alcohol to reduce my sugar intake and dabbling with dropping wheat, all of which helped my weight. However, I lacked consistency and so I yo-yoed in my weight and continued searching for other ways. 

Finding the Esoteric Breast Massage  

In 2007, I found Esoteric Healing, and in particular Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) and decided to try it. After all, all else that I’d tried had failed.  

My first EBM was revealing to say the least.  

During my session I felt very strongly how the left side of my body was rock solid, like concrete, and I had this feeling that my body was split into two halves. I was shocked, surprised and curious, and it stopped me.  

The woman practitioner was super considerate and treated me with a tremendous level of care and respect. 

I felt safe.   

Something in this experience asked me to continue, and this was the first time I had stopped to consider what might be going on underneath all the physical symptoms I had, what might be going on in my inner unseen to the eye world.   

Almost all of my work to date with my PCOS had purely been about dealing with the physical symptoms and getting to a point where I functioned right (to some degree), but nothing beyond that. I just wanted to fix it, and I saw it as a way to fix me as a woman. 

From having never looked beyond having things function ‘right’, I now began a series of both esoteric healing and EBM sessions slowly exploring what I felt and my connection to me and my body, and how I felt about being a woman.  

I continued refining my diet and beverage consumption over a period of time. There was no regime but as I experimented I found that the less I had certain foods and drinks, the better I felt. Without trying at all, weight just fell away. I started to feel more vital. All these changes I implemented supported me to accept myself more, and to not feel like I am my own enemy.   

How?   

Principally by bringing more understanding and beginning to have those conversations with myself where I questioned the ideals, standards and expectations I had and the associated harshness with which I applied them. This largely (if not solely) came about as I met people who inspired me to consider that it is possible to be loving with yourself and mostly that they did not judge me for how I was or had been, but gave me the space to consider that the way I had been operating did not have to stay, and that it was within my remit to change that.   

It was very important to be shown and to understand that I could be fragile and delicate, and that neither were dirty words and that others graced me with the space to see that. In addition, it was crucial to see and know that how I’d grown up and the harshness and survival I’d gone into, at that place and time, did not have to continue. That I did not have to be a victim, and more importantly, that I’d never been one at all. And that, that old way of being was not normal.   

It was a gradual process, of taking the blinkers off, and letting go of the rigidness with how I’d been and starting to see more of the horizon around, to knowing that no matter where you’ve been, you can be loving and seeing that you can try new things, and that you can fail, pick yourself up and start again. It was like allowing a shaft of light into my inner world, which offered a different possibility of being and once that was seen and understood, it became possible to consider that I too could live that true way of being.  

I moved differently, I allowed myself to enjoy life, to enjoy the people in my life and to deeply appreciate who I am. That being me exactly as I was, was something to nurture and cherish. 

This allowed me to look beyond those physical ways of being into considering how I’d been treating myself, how I’d been speaking to myself, and as I did, I changed, my body changed and my periods changed. Over time they became regular.   

But this was less about a goal and more about the general quality of how I was with myself and with all others around me, so in fact my previous drive was about being ‘normal’ and having regular periods, now it was more about living with and moving myself in a quality of care and love that deeply honoured who I am, not because of anything I did, but simply because I was me and worthy of this. 

As I embraced being the woman I am, exploring my unique flavour in how I wanted to express that woman, there were the physical things, with clothes, with make-up (yes, new ground that), but most importantly it was a change in inner attitude which said there is something here which is precious and to be honoured and it’s in my power to do that. In all of this my body responded, and flourished, and I felt a freedom and a lightness in me I’d not experienced to that point, something I could not and did not want to ignore, but wanted to live and express. That shaft of light just kept getting bigger! 

Having EBMs helped me to understand that I had not been valuing myself as a woman and felt something was innately wrong with me as a woman. I could feel and see that I’d despised myself and had not considered myself worth taking care of.   

During EBMs I connected to and felt in me a deep feeling of stillness, a tender pulse and something precious deep within me, something that was always there no matter what. It moved me deeply, and supported me in wanting to live and honour this more in my day to day life. It meant I started to choose to be less hard on myself and began to take even greater care of myself, my diet, how I thought of myself, not in order to fix anything, but because I got to feel for the first time ever something beautiful and gorgeous deep in me that I wanted to take care of.   

This did not happen overnight. It has been a continuing journey, and the support I’ve received from having EBMs and from its practitioners has been key. Having role models in my life who lived the gorgeousness of who they are as women was a huge support in allowing me to understand that this is possible for me and for all of us as women. 

I’ve discovered I am a beautiful woman and I now live and dress as one, more and more each day. For me, addressing PCOS meant that I needed to understand and feel that beauty in me. I needed to understand that underneath it all I have in me that preciousness, and in doing so I was able to make the changes outwardly in my life to live that inner knowing.   

By Monica, UK

Further inspiration.. 

Linda’s experience of PCOS: self-love and feeling beautiful.

Our choices in the way that we live affect our periods and our health as women. 

What is the Esoteric Breast Massage? 

Unfolding Sacredness

Long before becoming a student of Universal Medicine, when I was in my early 30’s, I embarked on what I called at the time my ‘healing journey’. Abuse had featured heavily in my younger life and I longed to understand WHY (?)  

It was not that I set out with these intentions exactly, but I had a deep inner knowing that the abuse was somehow still running my life, that even though I had moved thousands of miles away and started a new life in another country, the abuse continued to be the leading character in my life and I had had enough of sharing centre stage with this life experience that I couldn’t seem to shake even when being far from the scene of the abuse.  

I saw three therapists. The first was a woman who came recommended by a friend and when she felt she could take me no further she put me in touch with a second therapist, a man who I was in therapy with off and on for a number of years. He helped me identify sufficient layers of hurt, anger and pain to enable me to get to a place where I was able to accept what had ‘happened to me’ and I was feeling less angry and in somewhat less pain which allowed me to function at a higher level than before.  

Eventually I stopped seeing him. I felt I needed a break. Life was pretty full on and I just wanted to make life about other things, and so I did. For a while. 

During these years of therapy, I clung to the belief that I was a victim. Being a victim answered the limited questions I was willing to ask at the time and made it possible for me to not look any further or dig any deeper. I became comfortable with the victim belief and I wore the cloak of victimhood well.  

In my 40’s I saw a third therapist for about a year. She helped me identify a few more layers but I still felt I wasn’t moving on. I felt stuck. Perhaps less stuck but stuck none-the-less. At the same time, the life that I had been choosing to live was beginning to feel distinctly…. uncomfortable. I had a deep knowing that there had to be more to life than the way I was living.  

It wasn’t until becoming a student of Universal Medicine that I finally started becoming un-stuck. The teachings of the Ageless Wisdom offered me the tools and support to not only peel back the crippling layers of hurt, pain and anger I had been living under for so long, but to address, understand and get to the root cause.  

It was miraculous to finally address and be free of the debilitating energy I had been living in. However, Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom didn’t just stop there…. I was willing and open to continue to support myself in evolving further and because I was willing and open, the Ageless Wisdom was able to offer more. And then more and still some more…  

As I gradually return to living in the exquisite new level of harmony I had been keeping myself disconnected from for lifetimes, I am continually bringing long held beliefs to the fore to be pondered on, examined and released if I find they aren’t serving me or anyone else for that matter.  

And so, the unfiltered questioning of what role being a victim was playing in my life.  

In the process of considering this question I reached an understanding that the belief that I was a victim was exactly that – a belief. A belief I chose to sign up to at the time to keep me on the carousel of victimhood.  

What??? 

I was like a horse ready to bolt, feeling horrendously exposed and wanting to crawl back under the blanket of comfort I’d wrapped myself up in to keep me in and the world out. I could feel a part of me saying and then shouting, “I do not want to go there!!!”  

Which helped me to understand that this was exactly where I was going. I have come to know that when I am feeling exposed it means there is something I have been hiding behind to keep me in disconnection from the Divine love within and to keep me from evolving. It is at that point that I have a choice: to either keep hiding under the blanket of comfort OR gently and tenderly hold myself in such a way that I can fully embrace my next evolutionary steps.   

The more I started letting go of the belief that I was a victim, the more space became available for the Truth to reveal itself in the form of a few questions:  In the very moment I chose to disconnect from and deny my own sacredness, was this not first and foremost an abuse of myself in the most profound, even if at first not the most obvious, sense of the word?  

In choosing to walk away from what I know is my innate sacredness have I not forsaken myself as the beautifully tender and nurturing woman I naturally am?  

And in choosing to disconnect from my sacredness, what have I been choosing to connect to instead? 

Any disconnection from my inner most being opens me up to destructive and debilitating energies that leave no space for the beauty of sacredness and, in fact, keeps me in an energy that is as far removed from sacredness as one can get. These destructive and debilitating energies are what kept me contracted, disconnected and in avoidance of the true love I naturally am and that we all come from.  

By contrast, in my ever-deepening connection to my inner self I am discovering a sweet, sentient and sacred part of me I had long been oblivious to. It is only in the peeling away of all the layers I had carefully and strategically put in place in my misguided attempt to protect myself and keep myself ‘safe’ that I have been able to connect to the courage and willingness within to reclaim centre stage and reconnect and return to my inner heart, my inner most…..the ultimate sacred space so worthy of cherishing.

In returning and reconnecting to my untouched, Divine essence, there has been a beautifully loving allowing to feel the consequence of the crushing depth of denial of the same, and the effect it has had not only on myself, but on all those around me.  

As I reclaim that which is at the core of every woman’s being, I bring myself back into alignment with the Divinely gracious being I naturally am, therefore offering this reflection for every woman. In so doing it brings the balance of outwardly-looking power back to where it truly belongs – within. The unfolding of this magical and majestic process then creates the space for men to return and re-align to their natural tenderness, sensitivity and yes, sacredness too.  

Reclaiming our sacredness brings us all back to who we naturally, tenderly and innately are, and once we do so the honouring of the sacredness within, honours and holds all others equally so.  

By Brigette Evans, UK

For further inspiration… 

Do we learn to mask a lack of self-worth as we grow older, or take the steps to address it? Natalie Benhayon writes.. 

What does it mean to have a sacred relationship with yourself? 

Wearing a Cardigan of Protection

Recently, I have felt something changing within me, but I wasn’t sure what it was. I noticed that my cardigans seemed to be too big or not sitting well on the shoulders. They were like an oversized coat that no longer fitted my frame and I started to question whether it was my posture, or my weight. Both remained the same, but something else had changed. Yesterday the understanding came fully as I was booking in for my monthly Esoteric Breast Massage – a super supportive modality offered by women practitioners trained by Universal Medicine.

Women are Magnificent

In my work as a midwife I have the awesome privilege to be with women when they can resource deeply their true magnificence.

Being pregnant and giving birth is a time in a woman’s life when she has a relationship with her body that is very real and full. A time when she can get to know herself and her true strength and qualities, as her body does some of the most amazing and miraculous things ever.

Women in Livingness

…what does it mean? What is livingness? And what is its relevance to our daily life and all women? And what about the men?  

Sacredness – The Truth Available to all Women

For many years I lived with depression, feeling totally hopeless and at the world’s mercy. But more recently, through attending Universal Medicine presentations and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom I have come to rediscover that all I require is already living within me and the more I connect to and live from this space the more beautiful life becomes for me. I now love living, and working, where as I used to dread each day upon waking.

I have recently become aware of the feeling of sacredness that all women hold within. I am amazed that we live most, if not all our life, unaware that we carry such power and authority within. I feel like we have chosen to be led astray from knowing what is there to connect to and build a deepening relationship with, yet this is the very base of who we are as girls and women. 

The Power of a Smile: In Celebration of the Woman I am

It was a Friday evening. My children and I were walking down a busy city street to get something for dinner. I’d just come straight from work, so wasn’t especially ‘made up’ to go out; just relaxed and feeling a little tired from a busy week.

As I walked along I noticed a lady pushing a pram coming towards me.

Her head was hung low and she looked very despondent. I kept my gaze on her and began to smile; very soon she raised her head and we locked eyes. I broadened my smile and felt I was beaming from every pore in me. I did not do what I sometimes can do and make it a fleeting smile – I continued to hold the lady in my gaze and felt I was almost having a conversation with her – it felt amazing. Her face responded immediately and lit up in a glorious smile too – her whole face and body seemed to transform.

This moment seemed to last an eternity as we continued to walk towards each other, locked in each other’s gaze.

Discovering I have Ovaries and a Cervix

I first contemplated the possibility that I could have a connection with my own ovaries and cervix after I heard Natalie Benhayon present, and say as women we did not have to try to feel our ovaries, as we were women and we all have them!

So I started exploring if I could feel my ovaries. Initially, I began with just having a sense of where my ovaries were physically, putting my palms on them and just paying attention to the area. I did this five or six times a day for a couple of weeks.

A Letter to All Women

by Sara Harris , BHSc, Cert. NFE

Recently, I had a session with an Esoteric Breast Massage practitioner and I felt something quite amazing in my body. I was able to let go and allow myself to just be me and in that, there was such a beautiful feeling of equalness between us. This allowed for so much more tenderness and I felt how natural it is to be this way, supporting one another, instead of my putting others higher or above, which keeps us separate. I wrote that evening as the feeling kept unfolding and it was like I was remembering how we, as women, used to be with each other. There were so many tears as I felt how we have the potential to hold each other and ourselves in the absolute sacredness that we are, and how beautiful and natural it is for us to be this way. So I am sharing what I wrote with you all, which ended up being a message for myself and for all women.

Releasing Ideals and Opening up to the Natural Beauty of the True Woman within Me

by Nicole Serafin, Tintenbar, Australia

Growing up in a house with my two male cousins – one a little older than me, and the other a little younger – created an interesting dynamic for me as a girl, let alone when I started going through my teenage years and into puberty…

My parents treated us all equally. We went to the same school, had the same friends, went on holidays together and were all very close, wanting to do things together all the time… which in most cases was fine, but in some I found it wasn’t. Not because we didn’t want to, but because we weren’t always allowed. I began to find that the boys were treated differently to myself, often being able to go places and do things that I also wanted to do, but because I was a girl I was told it was not safe or just not ‘the done thing’. It didn’t take me long to realise this notion was the case in most situations, and also held in the world.

I began to notice that the boys were always allowed to do more activities – such as play more sports and go out to places that I was not able to go – even when I had been the same age. Society ‘told me’ that I was a girl and “girls did not do those sorts of things”. However, when or if I ever got hurt, felt vulnerable or expressed any kind of fragility, I was expected to “get over it and toughen up” like the boys. There was never any room or time for tears or feelings. It seemed I was supposed to be able to ‘tough it out’ as they say, but also when it suited I was to be a girl. I remember feeling and finding this extremely confusing.