My journey & experience through IVF & natural IVF

In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) is the process by which eggs are removed from your ovaries and mixed with sperm in a laboratory culture dish. Fertilisation takes place in this dish, “in vitro”, which means literally “in glass”. The embryo is then placed back into the womb for implantation.  

During a consultation of an IVF treatment you are advised that the aim is to produce as many eggs as possible, so there is a better chance of fertilisation. The process of IVF is to take over your body, by stopping your regular period cycles, in order to create more eggs to be used for fertilisation.  

During my IVF treatment I was advised that this is done by taking drugs for 2 weeks to down regulate hormones which puts the body into a “false menopause”. You are then given different drugs for two weeks to re-stimulate ovaries to create as many eggs as possible for fertilisation – it’s like shutting the system down and re-booting it again (artificially). 

My journey to becoming a parent and having a family of my own started when I was around 37 years old.  

Life was ticking along, I was feeling the pressure of ageing, society and running out of time.  

Looking back, my life was actually very intense, but at the time and being immersed in this constant commotion to me felt normal, like life is always just that way.  

I was holding two jobs, one of which was self-owned business, traveling long hours and always busy doing something, either working or socialising.  

Life never stopped, unless I was forced to stop.  

Every few months, I would go through colds, sinuses, back pains, intense periods, but never did I pause to ponder that these might have been messages from my body to slow down. I would have regular complementary treatments all the time believing this was supporting me and that with that as well as with exercise and food I could somehow get my life in balance. I would go on detoxes convinced the body needed it, even if it didn’t. I trained as a yoga teacher and in meditation, convinced all of this was bringing balance into my life before I embarked on the journey to try for a baby.  

But my body was not responding so we explored IVF.  

I went through the whole four weeks of taking drugs daily, from down regulating to re-stimulation. To begin with I felt no side effects. I was too determined to make it work, that nothing would have stopped me. On collection, they managed to retrieve three eggs which they were able to fertilise, and put back two embryos for implantation. The implantation failed. It wasn’t until this point that I started to feel the impact my body had gone through. I had not stopped working throughout the drug stage and I felt exhausted. I only stopped for the two weeks after the embryo was put back hoping that would support. But in truth, reflecting back, there was no or very little chance for the process to work.  

It was a very quick process and I never really allowed any time to fully understand the impact of the treatment. I had three tries on IVF and what stuck in my head was that the treatment takes you through “false menopause”. At the time I did not understand menopause and, honestly, I was not interested in knowing. The fact that I had painful periods was not a concern to me or to my consultants. During internal examinations I was informed I only had one active ovary. The other had shut down and was not visible in the scans. And yet, even at this point when I was given a clear warning that something was not right, I didn’t listen. Determined to have a child I went along with the whole process. 

I had been pushing my body so hard and working to the point of exhaustion which was considered totally normal and no different to how the majority around me were living. I never for a moment considered that my painful periods and clotting, my colds, sinuses and permanent state of exhaustion could be at all connected with the way I was living and what I had been putting my body through. And even though I felt a high level of exhaustion I was determined to put my body through the IVF with all the drugs just to have a baby. I was too fixated on: baby first, body second.  

What came after was horrible. I went through major depression and decided I would not put myself through IVF again. I started seeing a friend who was practicing the Esoteric Healing Modalities who I had been seeing during the IVF Program. Without any judgment she allowed me the loving space to connect to a deeper understanding within myself of the choices I had been making and how they had been affecting my body and my general way of being. 

I started to truly want to find ways to support my body and to look at what I could possibly change about the way I was living in order to get a greater understanding of what was going on for me, hence my return to the practitioner for more Esoteric Healing to go deeper in dealing with the hurts I was feeling, like sadness and depression. My practitioner had changed over the years I had known her and I was inspired, so I wanted to know how and what changes she made in her life. It was from this inspiration that I went on to attend Universal Medicine presentations. I started to take responsibility for my life.  

At first I worked on my exhaustion by going to bed earlier to get enough restful sleep. I then stopped drinking alcohol as I found that it added to the exhaustion and definitely made my depression worse. Next, I started to change my diet and looked closer at what I was eating that was adding to the tiredness I felt. I explored foods without gluten, diary and sugar, given that I found these all contributed to my tiredness. This way of living felt amazing. I felt healthier and more energised in my body than I ever had. I looked younger than my age. To me this was a definite big improvement in the way I was living. 

At some point I met Natalie Benhayon who I learnt was offering Esoteric Ovary Massage as a part of Esoteric Healing. What prompted my particular interest in approaching Natalie was that I wanted to explore if there was a connection between the way I was living my life and the fact, as confirmed by my medical consultant, that my reproductive system had shut down. I began regular sessions with Natalie twice a year with the intention to at least attempt to uncover what might be buried deep down in my ovaries. With the support of Natalie and other practitioners, I began to be much more sensitive to how my body was and to really see why my body was in the state it was. My periods, which were regular as clockwork prior to IVF never returned to normal. I had gaps when I never had a period and these gaps started getting bigger during cycles.  

My commitment to heal my own body kept growing and with the support of Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and their practitioners I was opening to all that was being presented and shared, be that through sessions, workshops or courses. There was lots of great wisdom being shared which I took on board and applied into my daily life with practical tools and techniques, one of them being the Gentle Breath Meditation – a simple way and a great support to connecting back to my body through creating moments of stops. Another was the Esoteric Yoga, a very gentle and powerful yoga where I was able to bring full awareness back into the body through a deeper level of stillness, which is possible through surrender of the body and mind, causing the mind to stop wandering and allowing the body to focus on the stillness within. My body started to process and eventually clear a lot of hurts and buried issues.  

Two years later I was still feeling the want to have a child as did my husband, however, I could not face going through traditional IVF again. I found out about Natural IVF, investigated a bit more, and discovered a clinic that specialised and encouraged Natural IVF over IVF, as it is less invasive, does not require drugs for one month and there is no reason why women with low ovarian reserves need to take the full drugs. In my case this made sense as I had low ovarian reserves. The fact that there were no drugs to take is what interested me since it was less invasive to the body. My husband and I went along for an open evening and we found out more about both forms of IVF and why Natural IVF is a better and cheaper option for me.  

Natural IVF is very simple. You are monitored from the two weeks before ovulation to check the egg is growing and then when they feel it’s at a right size, you take one injection so you don’t ovulate and then within that 48hrs the egg is collected, fertilised in the laboratory and the embryo put back. No side effects of drugs.  

My experience with this clinic was amazing. They checked everything and with a 3D scanner they could see blood flow to the womb. The scans were regular, every other day, to know when the egg would be ready for collection. They also knew that my blood was not thin enough to support implantation so agreed to give me blood thinners to aid the process. 

I was told before I commenced on the program that both my ovaries were functioning again. This was a miracle considering one had completely shut down a few years prior. I got to understand that through even the simplest changes I had made in my life, such as slowing down, taking even small breaks to rest when feeling tired, being active but not frantic, focusing on how I moved around and conducted myself throughout a day even down to some very simple things and something I used to discard as ‘unimportant’ like keeping my body warm when any part of it was cold, going to the loo when I needed to and not waiting till I was ‘bursting’ and all of the increased awareness of the importance of looking after myself like I might after a precious newborn came with the support of the Esoteric Modalities, and the more great results I was experiencing the more I was able to make more loving choices, which allowed this miracle to happen. It was my own way of living that brought this amazing change. I was definitely the queen of that castle. 

I was informed that as I had very low ovarian reserves I only had a 10% chance of success rate. What was beautiful about this place was that they were open and honest and it never felt like it was about making money but truly supporting me and actually wanting a positive outcome.  

Two weeks later when I was informed I was pregnant I was over the moon. Yet, part of me could not believe how quick, simple and less invasive it was especially after the previous journey I had gone through. I had some doubts and knew my body still had a lot more to heal, even though I really wanted to be a mother and wanted my own child. I went for a 6-week scan, then a 7-week scan. I was then called back for another scan as they picked up some abnormality. The 8-week scan showed that the embryo’s heart beat had stopped. My heart felt like it had stopped too. The consultants and nurses were so lovely and reassured me not to give up. I was in shock. I could not cry, but I felt my body hardening and going into protection mode. My upper chest tightened and closed inupper arms tensed up and lower arms become heavier. I didn’t want to speak to anyone about my loss because I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me. Instead, I put on a brave face and went on with my day. 

It so happened that straight after the scan I had an Esoteric Healing session. I shared my experience and had the space to connect to what I felt more deeply and feel the sadness of the loss and allow the grieving process. I was able to surrender and let go and feel the sadness. I had to allow the body to go through natural miscarriage. 

During the next few weeks I worked on just simply allowing my body to go through what it was going through, until the night when the miscarriage took place. I had three hours of intense pain, as the lining of my womb separated from the fetus. The pain was excruciating and no pain killer was touching this pain. I had to just bear the pain and allow it to pass. In these moments my life flashed me by in how I had been living, what I was experiencing and in that I felt there was a major healing of past momentums. The next several weeks were tough as I had to deal with loss, but with the support of Esoteric practitioners, the process felt much easier than I might have expected it to be as my body went through some great healing. I came to understand there was nothing I had done wrong, but that in the same way we all have a choice, the child had a choice too and in this case the child chose not to come. This for me was a great healing moment.  

In the coming days I had a whole week of support where I received numerous healing sessions and support from Serge Benhayon and various other practitioners. 

I knew I had one more chance still to try again. Three months later rather than giving myself six months needed break I rushed into the last Natural IVF. Needless to say, my body was not ready and this time no eggs were collected, just a fractured egg.  

The consultant was honest with me and shared I would be wasting money to try with my own eggs as I had very few eggs left. She advised the better option for me was to go with an egg donor and that my body was strong enough to carry even until I was sixty. On one side it was sad to hear that I had very little chance of having my own child, but it was a great confirmation in how having taken much greater care of myself had such profound impact on my body that I now had a higher chance of carrying a child. What I learnt from all this is that the body is very clever. It knows everything and it really is up to us to continuously make loving choices, to support our body to stay healthy.  

Many would say my journey is sad or even unfortunate. When people ask if I have children and I explain I have not been able to have my own, they feel sorry or don’t know what to say. I share with them that it’s ok, it’s my journey and it’s been a huge blessing, one where I have learnt so much about my body, how I have lived and how I have learnt through my own living experience that my every choice affects everythingWhat we cannot do is underestimate our body and the messages that we constantly get given. 

Ironically (or not) I have learnt more about parenting and children through Universal Medicine, courses, workshops and presentations, through our attempt to adopt a child and perhaps most significantly through being with and observing other children grow up around me.  

There is no right and wrong in how we become a parent. The IVF process in fact brought me to my new understandings and that the key thing is to firstly understand and honour our bodies and how we live. 

Today I feel very blessed that I have a deep level of understanding about my body, my own healing, self-care, self-nurturing and self-love. 

By Amita, UK 

Published with permission of my husband. 

For further inspiration.. 

What if infertility is about my relationship with me first and foremost? 

A young woman’s journey from the very first excruciatingly painful period…to clearing the build-up of tension & lack of care in her body… 

No periods… a message from my body

Six years ago the doctor asked me if I wanted anti-depressants and suggested I saw a psychotherapist for eating disorders. I’d had some big life changes and reacted with a huge amount of emotional turmoil and stress. I lost about 12kg and went down to 42kg within a few months. My periods stopped and I had no energy or enthusiasm for anything in life. 

I thought I didn’t have an eating disorder because I wasn’t obsessed with my weight or my body – I just didn’t care, about myself or anything else. I shut myself down as a woman, to myself and the world, and gave up. 

In the last 6 years my life has changed massively. While a few things have changed on the outside, they are nothing compared to the inner re-vamp that has been – and is still – taking place on the inside. I have energy for life and I actually want to be here and I’m finally starting to love being a woman. 

Not that I wanted to be a man, more that I just didn’t want to be here at all in the first place and secondly, I didn’t want to feel and connect to the delicacy and power of how it feels to be myself, as a woman. 

Slowly, and with the support of esoteric practitioners, I began to see and feel that I wasn’t broken, and – amazingly – there was nothing to fix. I was just hurt, and I got the support I needed and the tools to start to deal with those hurts and to start taking care of myself. 

I got to see that I had been addicted to getting it right, and, underneath a perfectly calm-looking facade, addicted to stress: the drama, the rush, the working things out, the needing to ask 20 people the same thing… just to be sure it was the right’ decision, and that nothing could possibly go wrong. 

Having designated myself as Head Girl of Nailing Life at an early age and made it a sort of secret life ambition, I had this fixation with getting somewhere, being better, and thinking I had to work hard to get there. I even tried to make the Ageless Wisdom teachings into rules and found that it didn’t work. To my disappointment, and exasperation, there was no dogma to follow, no rule book to abide by, no one telling me what to do… and no perfection to be recognised for. Instead, I started to find that the more I let go, the easier life became and the easier I am on myself. I can be in life as an active and responsible participant but without having to think about it, because there is no right and wrong. Just infinite moments of choices to be continuously made that are either loving and truthful, or not, and then naturally results and consequences of those choices. 

I made some changes to my life and started looking after myself; going to bed early, eating nourishing foods and not being controlling about food, generally letting go of that which did not belong in and around me and opening up to people more so I could let people in. 

But my body wasn’t just going to give me a period in exchange for a couple of early nights. It is asking me to make some fundamental and consistent changes to my life: like pay attention to the quality I move in not just once a day while making my bed, but 24/7… and to enjoy and bathe in how deliciously light and expansive it feels to move in and with that connection. 

I joined an online programme to look more closely at my period cycle, and discovered that even though I don’t have my periods, my body is still going through a cycle. Makes so much sense – just because we don’t see the Moon every night it doesn’t mean it’s not there and like its gravitational dance with Earth is not causing tide to ebb and flow. I had known that we’re always connected to cycles, but had chosen not to pay attention to it, or to practically apply it, and so it remained as knowledge in my head and nothing more. 

Following advice from my medical practitioner, I’m now applying bio identical hormonal creams to give my body the support that it needs and I can feel that there is a rhythm with that. My body is trying to ovulate. There are changes to my breasts, how connected I am to my body to be able to actually have a sense of my ovaries, differences in cervical mucus… Once I started to pay attention to it, I saw that my body is always communicating something to me and it’s up to me to listen or not. 

I learned that there are times of the cycle where we are naturally inclined to go more inwards, and other times where the focus is on outward expression of that depth. And I noticed a pattern: that often, when I felt the pull to go inwards, I would counteract it by making life and work complicated and stressful, when in fact, it needn’t be at all. 

Through charting how my body is feeling at the end of every day, I felt more aware of how I’m feeling at different times of the day, not just at the end when I was charting. To me this has been a revelation: it wasn’t something I had to put on my to do list or set an alarm to do, it just started happening without me even thinking about it. I experienced that it wasn’t that hard to connect to my body, just a choice to be made from moment to moment to remember to stay in the flow of that connection and not get distracted or lost in whatever I am doing. I’ve begun to see much more than ever before how much I have wanted to not feel things and not deal with situations, conveniently checking out into the perceived safety of my head whenever things got a little bit too intense. 

Paying more attention to the quality of how I am moving meant that I started to notice the quality of everything else: my thoughts, the space around me, energies coming through me and other people. In a really simple way… not good or bad, just… what does it feel like? 

I don’t have my periods back, but the whole experience is so enriching and supporting me to build a loving relationship with myself where I trust myself and what I can feel, and have my own back. I am loving learning to let go more and more and learning to live from how I feel in my body: do I feel a quality of space and lightness in my body and a steadiness and a consistency that I can trust, or am I in some kind of drama, delay or dilemma? When I stay with the steady consistency, I feel in the flow of life. Standing in the full flow of the stream of life and trying to build a wall, or even trying to send it back the other way is no longer quite the appealing game it used to be.

There is much more of an ease and a gentleness with how I move and am with myself now. I no longer resent my body for reflecting back to me something that I don’t want to see and patterns that I don’t want to let go of and change. I am discovering that being a woman is absolutely delicious and that this ease, grace and beauty in how I move is not something I have to try to make or be. It is already there, within me, and is now beginning to unfold, unfurl and truly blossom. 

By B, UK 

For further inspiration.. 

What do stress and stillness have to do with my menstrual cycle? 

Esoteric Women’s Health

Being truly ourselves and allowing the joy to flow again.. 

My journey with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome

Since my early twenties I have had severely irregular periods and could go three to six months, sometimes longer, without any.   

I was overweight, moody and had excess facial hair. 

I felt uncomfortable as a woman. 

I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and so began my journey with ‘fixing’ my periods.  

For as long as I can remember I’ve tracked my periods, complete with my own shorthand, noting symptoms and any other details I felt to include. 

We’re talking 20 years here.  

Initially, the main reason was because I didn’t know when or if I’d get the period.   

What is PCOS? 

Internet search would inform one that PCOS was first ‘discovered’ in 1935. Estimates suggest between 5 and 10% of women aged between 18 and 44 are affected. 

Symptoms can vary and be more or less severe, but in general they can include irregular periods, hormonal issues, excess body hair, mood swings, weight and fertility issues. According to medical claim PCOS is not curable but can be treated and managed. 

I’m now 51 and for the last 15 years I’ve had regular periods which are less heavy and with less PMS symptoms than ever before. They just flow, and I genuinely love having them. No longer do I have all those terrible symptoms and the dread I’d felt for years around my periods is now gone.   

It’s been a huge celebration to get to a place where I have regular periods, usually every 30 days or so, and my whole body and attitude has changed. I’ve lost significant amounts of weight and those mood swings are now a thing of the past. I am more on an even keel than ever before. My whole approach to life has changed, and I now enjoy being me. I can safely say that I do delight in being a woman.   

For years I’d felt being a woman was a chore and my issues with periods and having to work so hard to have something close to regular ones, I took as a confirmation of that struggle. I’d have that inner voice which said, you’re born a woman, and it’s your natural state of being and yet, here you are with facial hair, which looks really ugly, periods you’re never entirely sure of, excess weight and a general clumsiness around how you feel about yourself and who are you. There wasn’t an ease or a joy in being who I was, rather a struggle and a tetchiness which wasn’t pleasant for anyone, not for me or those around me. Put it this way, you really didn’t want to cross me (!) 

What changed? 

After my initial diagnosis I tried many things following hormonal tests and consultations with endocrinologists and gynecologists. I was prescribed Dianette, a form of the contraceptive pill which addresses hirsutism and gives you ‘regular’ periods. For 8 years I took Dianette and it worked in that I had what you might call ‘regular’ periods. My facial hair became less whilst in addition I had electrolysis and laser to address it. Otherwise, I was still overweight and still had mood swings.   

Eventually I decided I wanted to find out how my body really was and how my periods were really going.  

I came off Dianette.  

I was disappointed, but not surprised, to find that my periods returned to being as irregular as ever, without the prop of Dianette, and that not much had really changed. 

Much research followed, as I wanted to find another way to address it and not just mask what was going on. I read many forums, talked to many people who discussed how important diet, and in particular sugar, was with PCOS. I began seeing a nutritionist who specialised in Women’s Health and started taking supplements, chromium in particular to help support me to reduce my sugar intake. For a while I dabbled in many alternate methods including homeopathy and herbs, which brought my periods under control to some degree, so more regular, but still up to 6 weeks in between. Nevertheless, it all felt like I was managing the symptoms and just scratching the surface of the greater, underlying problem. 

Having understood that diet and lifestyle were key for me, I continued experimenting with food – dropping dairy over time, cutting back on alcohol to reduce my sugar intake and dabbling with dropping wheat, all of which helped my weight. However, I lacked consistency and so I yo-yoed in my weight and continued searching for other ways. 

Finding the Esoteric Breast Massage  

In 2007, I found Esoteric Healing, and in particular Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) and decided to try it. After all, all else that I’d tried had failed.  

My first EBM was revealing to say the least.  

During my session I felt very strongly how the left side of my body was rock solid, like concrete, and I had this feeling that my body was split into two halves. I was shocked, surprised and curious, and it stopped me.  

The woman practitioner was super considerate and treated me with a tremendous level of care and respect. 

I felt safe.   

Something in this experience asked me to continue, and this was the first time I had stopped to consider what might be going on underneath all the physical symptoms I had, what might be going on in my inner unseen to the eye world.   

Almost all of my work to date with my PCOS had purely been about dealing with the physical symptoms and getting to a point where I functioned right (to some degree), but nothing beyond that. I just wanted to fix it, and I saw it as a way to fix me as a woman. 

From having never looked beyond having things function ‘right’, I now began a series of both esoteric healing and EBM sessions slowly exploring what I felt and my connection to me and my body, and how I felt about being a woman.  

I continued refining my diet and beverage consumption over a period of time. There was no regime but as I experimented I found that the less I had certain foods and drinks, the better I felt. Without trying at all, weight just fell away. I started to feel more vital. All these changes I implemented supported me to accept myself more, and to not feel like I am my own enemy.   

How?   

Principally by bringing more understanding and beginning to have those conversations with myself where I questioned the ideals, standards and expectations I had and the associated harshness with which I applied them. This largely (if not solely) came about as I met people who inspired me to consider that it is possible to be loving with yourself and mostly that they did not judge me for how I was or had been, but gave me the space to consider that the way I had been operating did not have to stay, and that it was within my remit to change that.   

It was very important to be shown and to understand that I could be fragile and delicate, and that neither were dirty words and that others graced me with the space to see that. In addition, it was crucial to see and know that how I’d grown up and the harshness and survival I’d gone into, at that place and time, did not have to continue. That I did not have to be a victim, and more importantly, that I’d never been one at all. And that, that old way of being was not normal.   

It was a gradual process, of taking the blinkers off, and letting go of the rigidness with how I’d been and starting to see more of the horizon around, to knowing that no matter where you’ve been, you can be loving and seeing that you can try new things, and that you can fail, pick yourself up and start again. It was like allowing a shaft of light into my inner world, which offered a different possibility of being and once that was seen and understood, it became possible to consider that I too could live that true way of being.  

I moved differently, I allowed myself to enjoy life, to enjoy the people in my life and to deeply appreciate who I am. That being me exactly as I was, was something to nurture and cherish. 

This allowed me to look beyond those physical ways of being into considering how I’d been treating myself, how I’d been speaking to myself, and as I did, I changed, my body changed and my periods changed. Over time they became regular.   

But this was less about a goal and more about the general quality of how I was with myself and with all others around me, so in fact my previous drive was about being ‘normal’ and having regular periods, now it was more about living with and moving myself in a quality of care and love that deeply honoured who I am, not because of anything I did, but simply because I was me and worthy of this. 

As I embraced being the woman I am, exploring my unique flavour in how I wanted to express that woman, there were the physical things, with clothes, with make-up (yes, new ground that), but most importantly it was a change in inner attitude which said there is something here which is precious and to be honoured and it’s in my power to do that. In all of this my body responded, and flourished, and I felt a freedom and a lightness in me I’d not experienced to that point, something I could not and did not want to ignore, but wanted to live and express. That shaft of light just kept getting bigger! 

Having EBMs helped me to understand that I had not been valuing myself as a woman and felt something was innately wrong with me as a woman. I could feel and see that I’d despised myself and had not considered myself worth taking care of.   

During EBMs I connected to and felt in me a deep feeling of stillness, a tender pulse and something precious deep within me, something that was always there no matter what. It moved me deeply, and supported me in wanting to live and honour this more in my day to day life. It meant I started to choose to be less hard on myself and began to take even greater care of myself, my diet, how I thought of myself, not in order to fix anything, but because I got to feel for the first time ever something beautiful and gorgeous deep in me that I wanted to take care of.   

This did not happen overnight. It has been a continuing journey, and the support I’ve received from having EBMs and from its practitioners has been key. Having role models in my life who lived the gorgeousness of who they are as women was a huge support in allowing me to understand that this is possible for me and for all of us as women. 

I’ve discovered I am a beautiful woman and I now live and dress as one, more and more each day. For me, addressing PCOS meant that I needed to understand and feel that beauty in me. I needed to understand that underneath it all I have in me that preciousness, and in doing so I was able to make the changes outwardly in my life to live that inner knowing.   

By Monica, UK

Further inspiration.. 

Linda’s experience of PCOS: self-love and feeling beautiful.

Our choices in the way that we live affect our periods and our health as women. 

What is the Esoteric Breast Massage

Wearing a Cardigan of Protection

Recently, I have felt something changing within me, but I wasn’t sure what it was. I noticed that my cardigans seemed to be too big or not sitting well on the shoulders. They were like an oversized coat that no longer fitted my frame and I started to question whether it was my posture, or my weight. Both remained the same, but something else had changed. Yesterday the understanding came fully as I was booking in for my monthly Esoteric Breast Massage – a super supportive modality offered by women practitioners trained by Universal Medicine. Continue reading “Wearing a Cardigan of Protection”

A Frozen Shoulder: Thawing my Resistance to my Inner Quality

Three days ago, I woke up with a frozen shoulder; I was unable to sleep the prior night or get out of bed. This has happened before, but this time, with the help of my amazing practitioner, Jenny Ellis, I really listened to the message being offered up. I came to understand the message along with fixing the actual physical pain. And this is what I discovered… Continue reading “A Frozen Shoulder: Thawing my Resistance to my Inner Quality”

A Woman Stepping Out – my Journey with the Esoteric Breast Massage

I had heard from some women that I spoke to about having Esoteric Breast Massages, how nurturing and deeply honouring they found the sessions to be, so I was very much looking forward to a series of Esoteric Breast Massage sessions with a Practitioner who had been recommended to me and one whom I felt drawn to because of the deep stillness I could feel in her presence.

Continue reading “A Woman Stepping Out – my Journey with the Esoteric Breast Massage”

My Breasts, My Breasts

I have two of them and never would I have ever expected to be sharing the story of my breasts with the world, let alone celebrating the depth of beauty and Love they emanate and that I now live.

My True relationship with my Breasts began 9 years ago with my first Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM). At the time I was breastfeeding a baby and moving on from an abusive relationship. It could now be said that I was moving on from a long-standing, far more abusive relationship with myself.

I’d never realised how deeply ingrained self-abuse was, how insidious and foul – a stench that plagued me for as long as I remember and yet was a safe, known companion and the red marker pen which I branded myself with as ‘wrong’. 

Continue reading “My Breasts, My Breasts”

My Breasts and I: From No Awareness to Love & Respect

It seems strange to say this now, but once upon a time I had no awareness of my breasts other than as:

  • a visible marker of my womanhood
  • objects of sexual pleasure
  • a physical inconvenience due to persistent lumps and soreness.

In truth, I was actually more annoyed by my breasts than anything else. At times I resented their visibility and the fact that I would be judged in some way when given the ‘once over’ by others (men and women). I certainly was not impressed by the lumps and pain I’d experienced since my 20s, which had me frequently rushing off for mammograms, convinced I had cancer. There was some compensation for these woes, in terms of the feelings I derived from them during sex, but even this felt somewhat hollow and certainly didn’t offset my physical condition.

Continue reading “My Breasts and I: From No Awareness to Love & Respect”

Bras, Breasts, Esoteric Breast Massage and Me

I never really considered how I related to my breasts beyond them being a nuisance or an annoyance. Yes, I got attention because of these breasts of mine, but not in a good way, and I felt riled and annoyed each time this was happening.

I’ve always been conscious of my breasts, not in a proud or appreciative way, but as something I felt extremely awkward about, a part of me I was not exactly sure what to do with, and blithely ignored as much as possible. Plus, they hurt, especially during my periods and so they were often considered a nuisance.

For years I wore the wrong size bra, apparently and surprisingly up to 80% of women do, (1). The figure seems absurd, and yet many sources corroborate this. Imagine wearing the wrong size shoes!

Continue reading “Bras, Breasts, Esoteric Breast Massage and Me”

Breast Care: Are Cysts Harmless?

Often with even the best breast care, it is commonly accepted that cysts in the body are not dangerous, even when they feel like a lump. On many occasions, with further examination the lump is found to be a small, generally harmless sac filled with fluid, rather than a cancerous or benign lump of cells – there may even be one cyst or many cysts appearing together that end up being benign.

Continue reading “Breast Care: Are Cysts Harmless?”