My Breasts, My Breasts

I have two of them and never would I have ever expected to be sharing the story of my breasts with the world, let alone celebrating the depth of beauty and Love they emanate and that I now live.

My True relationship with my Breasts began 9 years ago with my first Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM). At the time I was breastfeeding a baby and moving on from an abusive relationship. It could now be said that I was moving on from a long-standing, far more abusive relationship with myself.

I’d never realised how deeply ingrained self-abuse was, how insidious and foul – a stench that plagued me for as long as I remember and yet was a safe, known companion and the red marker pen which I branded myself with as ‘wrong’. 

Early days of EBM

My initial EBM experiences were confronting yet changed my life forever, revealing to me that my body was in shutdown and I was completely disconnected from my breasts, in that they felt separate to me, something I had and carried around with me and were ‘just there’.

It became clear to me that I had hated my breasts from the moment I developed them and was never too keen on growing breasts in the first place. 

As a young, developing girl and then teenager, breasts drew all manner of unwanted male attention my way in the form of blatant, denigrating, humiliating abuse. A usual daily occurrence in the country town I grew up in was for guys to drive by in their cars, yelling out ‘show us your t*ts’ and the like.

It was clear that becoming a woman went hand in hand with being sexualised and reduced to being a set of breasts. This was a death sentence as far as I was concerned. 

I began to wear very unsexy clothing – big t-shirts and so forth to attempt to hide my breasts but this didn’t work too successfully being a DD breast size and being unable to hide the fact I was a woman. In my early teens, I was cornered in a bathroom by a male who grabbed my breasts. I felt disgusting, violated, in shock and humiliated by this experience and I didn’t speak of it again until it came out during an EBM session.

From that day forward, I effectively ‘cut my breasts loose’ to separate myself from the abusive incident and my breasts, which I felt carried an imprint of it.

Throughout ongoing EBM sessions, I became more and more aware of how desensitised I had become to the abuse of sexualising women that I felt bombarded by at school, in the community and from all manner of magazine covers and articles.

My response to the sexualisation and objectification of women was essentially to shrink, hide and disappear (none of it successful) and when the unwanted abuse didn’t abate I developed a deep hatred of having breasts and being a woman, forming many judgements that there was ‘something wrong with me’ and that my breasts were ‘too big’. 

As a teenager I came across Dolly magazine which was cover to cover full of tips on how we should be as teenagers and women. I began to mould myself on what I would read, further giving up on myself as a woman and accepting the ‘inevitable’ sexualisation of my body.

Late teenager years and early twenties 

I was still disconnected from my breasts but worked out that I could use them to my advantage and to compete with other women in order to get a man.

This was promoted from every direction – for women to compete and better themselves, be good at ‘flaunting’ and sexually desirable, with the effect that a woman’s breasts were considered her ‘assets’ if not accessories. 

I played myself into many roles of what a woman was supposed to be and the whole while felt a repulsion towards myself for being a ‘fake’, untrue and sick to the stomach for not honouring the real ‘me’. 

Becoming a mother at 22 years was a shock from a breast point of view. I had never considered the practicality of how pregnancy or childbirth may change my breasts and my relationship with them. My changing breasts over this period served to deepen my resentment of them. After giving birth, my breasts doubled if not tripled in size when the milk came in, which besides being painful at the time was the most horrific experience ever as a long-standing breast hater and given my lack of acceptance for my breast size as it was. I was relieved when my breasts returned to their former size and even more deeply relieved when I stopped breastfeeding.

All of these realisations, memories and the awareness of abuse had been locked away in my body, buried beneath layers and layers of protection. With each EBM session, the toxic energy of the abuse surfaced for me to feel and to finally let go of.

Although my breasts returned to their former size following childbirth, I was devastated to discover their shape and tone had changed, stretchmarks had appeared and I felt like I had someone else’s breasts attached to my body. I more strongly dissociated from them and tried to forget they existed.

During my 20s I was obsessed with fitness and perfecting my body, which had taken my breasts’ place as my whole body ‘asset’. I was forever striving to be a ‘picture-perfect woman’ – as long as no one saw my breasts.

I was at the same time performing the roles of being a ‘perfect’ mother, a ‘single mother’, a ‘yummy mummy’, a ‘corporate woman’ ‘outdoing the men’. I worked out that being ‘beautiful’ meant that men wanted to be friends with me (they could look but not touch) and I felt protected from the jealousy of the women around me. Life became more and more controlled and within all of this, my breasts played their part at times, but never did I connect with them, nurture them or even look at them. The truth is that I still detested my breasts and felt a deep unease within me of how I was living.

My Early 30s …

A brief but very abusive relationship resulted in a further disconnection from my breasts and my entire body. I breastfed two more babies close in age and by then my breasts felt drained and essentially like workhorses or slaves to my children as milk machines.

It was during this period I was first introduced to the EBM and I committed to having regular EBM sessions.

This was a very honouring experience with female practitioners performing the massage. Initially this for me was very challenging, having had a deep distrust of women. I felt nothing in my breast area. I wanted to feel something, but I couldn’t.

It took me a long time to be able to connect to my breasts at all and to work through letting go of the layers and layers of abuse.

After a period of regular EBMs I noticed that breastfeeding had changed and was becoming a more pleasant experience. My babies were more content and appeared to be getting a benefit from my breast milk. As I was slowly developing self-love, the quality of my milk had changed.

I hadn’t realised until I experienced the EBM treatments how incidents of abuse, and the self-loathing I carried throughout my life, could be stored energetically in my breasts and therefore would be present in my breast milk.

Coinciding with a program of EBMs with a deeply inspiring practitioner, I supported myself with regular Sacred Esoteric Healing sessions, Esoteric Lung Massages, and I attended Esoteric Women’s Health Presentation’s with Natalie Benhayon. These presentations completely changed my understanding of women and introduced me to the possibility of the woman I truly am.

For the first time in my life, I gave myself permission to open up to other women and to begin to establish trust in place of comparing and competing. I came to understand that there is no perfection and that all women have likewise experienced jealousy, comparison, self-loathing, lack of self-worth, competition, and the objectification and sexualisation of women to varying degrees.

As a direct result of Esoteric Women’s Health presentations and the EBM, I began to understand myself as a woman and became more aware of my breasts. I developed the impulse to love myself more, to pay attention to my breasts and my body. This saw me purchasing some new bras that felt good to wear, and dedicating a ceremony at home to care for and store my bras and lingerie.

Whilst I was taking one incremental step at a time in making some great changes, I was staunchly holding back from developing a true love affair with my breasts. 

Mid-way with the EBMs 

My dedication to having consistent EBMs and healing the many layers of abuse had such a great impact on my life. I felt lighter, more connected to myself and had a depth of understanding of what being a true woman was all about, in place of the false pictures I had formerly aspired to. It felt amazing to be able to feel content in myself, to be accepting of having breasts and enjoying what it meant to be a woman – this was a true miracle that I had never believed would be possible.

My breasts felt lighter and I no longer felt bogged down by the abuse I had carried with me before. For a few years, I stopped having EBMs though I continued to have regular Sacred Esoteric Healing, Chakra Puncture and Esoteric Lung Massage.

Throughout this period, I felt inspired by Natalie Benhayon, Miranda Benhayon and other women around me that I could see were living and deepening as true women and I realised that I had capped myself by my limited self-worth, for I had not considered how deeply I could go with the EBMs and the further depths of ‘Deborah’ I could explore. I already felt so much better, had experienced a complete miracle and turn around in my life and finally felt content within my own skin – I didn’t have the thought of ‘what else could be possible?’ for how could life be even better than this when this was already the best I had ever experienced?

I began to attend Sacred Movement classes, which enabled me to connect to a deep wisdom and knowing within me of my sacredness as a woman, that felt like an ancient blueprint of a way of living that was familiar to me, like an old glove. This was deeply supportive of me feeling in my body a marker of sacredness and fragility. I felt impulsed to resume regular EBM sessions and discovered that I was more willing and open to go deeper and deeper.

Through further EBM sessions I was able to feel the many roles I had adopted and knew myself by, at the expense of who I truly am – my essence. In particular I could feel the protection and holding within my breasts to prevent anyone from seeing my vulnerability and allowing more of the true ‘Deborah’ out.

Recent years – Letting go of mothering and protection

The healing offered by EBMs has always depended on me and how much I was willing to explore, let go of and embrace. In supporting me to reconnect to my true essence and accept being a woman, the EBM provided me with a true marker of ‘me’ that has gradually permeated my life. 

It took time to let my beauty and delicateness out and to grow in appreciation of myself. I had come a long way from not being able to look me in the eye and say “I love you Deborah” 9 years ago, to many moments of loving myself and appreciating myself …Yet I knew this was only the beginning.

My self-appreciation and acceptance grew and deepened to the point of no longer accepting any form of abuse in my life. Self-abuse took longer to move on from, having been a chosen behaviour for so long with sabotaging patterns and the tendency to see myself as the former (false) images of ‘me’. 

Living and embracing the woman I am in full has transformed my relationships with all others, and enabled me to be a ‘true mother’ and role model to my children. There is a depth of openness, connection and intimacy with myself and others which grows daily. The EBM has had a forever-lasting loving impact on my entire life, in a spherical way – bringing the totality of me to life as a woman, a mother, a neighbour, within the workplace, with family, friends and within the community.

EBM Today – Total Surrender

My relationship with myself is an ongoing one. The more I appreciate and confirm my true essence and allow this to be my lived expression each day, the deeper I am able to connect to ‘Deborah’ and surrender to the love that I have forever been. This isn’t a pie in the sky affirmation or a level of attainment to reach, but simply an unfolding process, which has required a loving commitment to myself of making one loving choice after another – an opening of each delicate petal at a time, allowing more of myself to come forth and express.

Expressing my essence has enabled a deep acceptance of myself and settlement within my body that I had not experienced prior to the support of the EBM and the Esoteric Healing Modalities. Previously, I had experienced a constant feeling within of angst, deep anxiety and negative, harsh assessments of myself. It is a true miracle that not only do I not have these negative thoughts come into my head – which were once the predominant quality of thoughts running my mind – but they simply do not exist.

None of the patterns of behaviour I have lived in the past, the mechanisms I adopted to cope with life such as the false roles I played throughout life of ‘good girl’, ‘bad girl’, ‘mother’, ‘princess’, ‘ice-maiden’, ‘rebellious teenager’, ‘student’, ‘drop out’, ‘victim’, ‘corporate woman’, ‘chameleon’ (to name but a few) and the harsh way I saw myself, compared myself to others, held myself and spoke of myself were never me to begin with, and the energy of that way of living is totally non-existent in my body today.

I am nurturing myself more deeply each day and cherishing an intimate relationship with myself – all of me. I have returned to being a whole woman and this joy fills every part of me. I adore and appreciate my breasts, which emanate love and a nurturing quality. My body has completely transformed from being a ‘template’ of something to aspire to, to the living temple it is.

In my experience, EBM provides an opportunity for re-connection to our true essence and therein to honour our divine brilliance, wisdom and strength as women, and assists us to remove any tarnish whilst inspiring us to live the full potential of our true, sacred expression. Our essence isn’t something we bring in from the outside or will find in a magazine, but a quality that we each know, that has been with us since the beginning of time and a true quality of Love that naturally deepens and expands the more we surrender, honour and allow our essence to come out.

I share my experience in deep appreciation of all that the Esoteric Breast Massage and Sacred Esoteric Healing Modalities offer and are. Never would I have believed it possible to heal long-standing lack of self-worth, self-abuse, self-loathing and ingrained false behaviours and to be now living as a true woman, in the honour, deep knowing and settlement of who I am.

By Deborah 

For further inspiration … 

What is the Esoteric Breast Massage? Find out more  … 

Foundational Breast Care – Responsible and Enduring Breast Care for all women

One woman’s experience on developing a true relationship with her breasts.