If you look to the media you could say that there are constant pressures from the world and society as to what a woman should be, what a woman should look like and how a woman should behave. There is constant finger pointing and blame about how women are represented and even sexualised to create the image of the perfect woman, but the question arises to deeply consider and ponder:
Did that image and projection come from men and the media, or is it at all possible that it actually began with women themselves?
As a woman today it is an interesting perception to fathom that we are constantly being governed by what we see around us.
But what if the question gets posed: Are we truly indoctrinated by the outside world, and pressured to be a particular way by men or the media, or is it possible that we are our greatest critics?
Yes, again the question has been posed: Who is actually creating the image that we all are pressured to look up to, but at the same time are repulsed by?
Let me expand on this further. In society we have the images of ‘what a woman is supposed to be’ but for me personally I haven’t given much time to these ideals, and instead just focused on pursuing and shaping the life that I wanted to lead and live as a woman. But even though I can look around me I can say that I have had pivotal role models to teach me what is true, knowing that this is a choice for me to make, I seem to not hold the ‘basic skills’ a woman is meant to have.
Is it possible that a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’
Picture this situation: You walk into a fabric store/sewing shop, make up done, heels on and feeling great in yourself, as you walk through the door all the women in the store look you up and down to see what you are wearing, as if an alarm has gone off upon your entrance – not knowing there is a dress code for fabric stores you learn very quickly that heels and tight jeans aren’t the appropriate attire. You proceed to look at the fabric surrounding the store, mountains and mountains of it. But here is the interesting point…
As you ask for help as you would do in a hardware store, a computer store, a clothes store, the moment the words come out of your mouth “Hi Could you help me… I’m not too sure the difference between all the fabrics except for feel”, a look of horror and disgust fills the face of the assistant in front of you. The face that looks at you as though saying:
“OH YOU ARE SERIOUSLY A FAILURE.”
“You are a woman and you don’t even know.”
“How pathetic.”
As you look around the store, suddenly filled with silence, you now see that you are the centre of attention because you sought support from women when unsure. Next, you ask if they could help you carry the heavy rolls of material to the counter. Again it is like you have just sworn really loudly and said something blasphemous, if not discriminatory to offend all around you. We as women complain about when ‘men’ talk down to us, when we don’t get the attention or time we think we deserve when talking about cars or technology for example. We will be the first to complain about the disrespect and stand very comfortably as a victim of society and fight for our rights. But what if we have created this whole situation, could it actually be possible that this whole time women have been complaining they are the victim of society and about the pressure that gets imposed upon them, that it is actually women who are putting the most pressure, women who are setting the standards of ‘what a woman should be’, and it is women who judge and criticise other women for not living up to the ‘basics’ of being a woman.
If you truly think about it, if you are a woman and you can’t cook, can’t sew, can’t iron, couldn’t clean or don’t or can’t have kids, then who are you?
How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?
World wide we have this constant fight for women’s rights and equality for women – which is all vital to ensure that women are treated with respect and they are given the opportunity to make choices and decisions.
But what if part of the way of moving forward for society is for women themselves to begin to look at the image they are holding onto about what a women actually is, as they too are part of the equation?
So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?
by C.K. Age 30
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‘Modern Woman’ – a product of society or of her own true nature? by Rebecca Baldwin
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Women in Livingness Blog 
The outside world sure does carry so many impositions on us as women, but the real question here lies in how much we prescribe to these impositions, embrace them and live them…when in fact we hold a far greater wisdom deep within.
It is a very wise question to ask – what is it to be a woman? Is it the cooking, the cleaning and the child bearing that makes a woman? We know the answer to that….but then consider the true nurturing qualities that we hold within, and then we can be one step closer to really feeling what it is to be a woman. And the beautiful thing is that though there is a common ground for all women, they will each express their qualities differently – such a needed reflection for us all.
C.K. Thank you for this blog which highlights the fact that we as women hold a large part of the responsibility to hold ourselves and all other women as equals and appreciate the qualities we bring rather than falling for the comparison and jealousy and all the other degrading and demeaning ways that we can choose to be with each other.
And so it’s not out there after all, but the ideals we buy into with ourselves and then seek to impose on other women … and the interesting thing here is that it’s women who ensure culture is maintained through generations be that religion or tribal customs etc., even when those customs are discriminatory against women, women are the ones who more than men in many instances insist that to these customs must be honoured and so as the question is posed here, what about we start with ourselves as women and look at the ideas we hold and propagate, how about we model another way?
“But what if we have created this whole situation” Women are inclined to find comparison everywhere in life and it has taken a man, Serge Benhayon, to show us the way to live in the fullness of who we are as women.
The media can impose on us whatever it wants, but we choose to subscribe to it and be affected. So as much as the media is to take responsibility for what it advertises, we also ought to take responsibility for what we subscribe to.
It is true that we as women collude with pictures of how women should be in society and are often intolerant of women with different skills sets that do not conform to the designated norm. We can each start to make a difference when we refuse to go into comparison with other women we meet in life and instead celebrate our differences and the unique essence that everyone has to offer when they are given space to explore it.
When we know we don’t have to be indoctrinated by how the outside world thinks we should be, we have a huge responsibility to bring this by reflection to everyone we meet and to the next generations. This brings a totally different image of women, WE make this image of deeply nurturing ourselves, and then we can support our children, meaning we can allow them to be exactly who they are.
By building a strong foundation of acceptance, appreciation, and love for ourselves we change the reflection that is coming from outside.
How crazy is the world we live in – knowing how to sew, or what type of fabric you need for a particular project doesn’t make you an amazing, loving, caring human being – it’s like we have our values completely upside down.
You really call us to delve into our innate essence here, what is it to be a woman below the images, ideals and beliefs that surround us? Are we so critical of each other that we feed these images without consciously being aware we are?
This is a great question, I remember as a child having two images – one of girl bands like bewitched, and one of women close to me in my family. Both undoubtably influenced me but it’s the women we see every day that most inspire us – or equally put us off growing up to be amazing women. I think as women we have much more potential to be role models than we could ever imagine.
This is a great question to pose and ask ourselves, ‘what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?’
It calls us to a different level of responsibility doesn’t it – no more playing a victim to life and our circumstances but we step forward to support each other to embrace ourselves, our bodies and our lives and simply claim the space we are living in.
Spot on Lucy – to play the victim you first have to make the choice to dis-empower yourself.
We are often the ones that judge and criticise ourselves and with this we do the same to other women, bringing in comparison and the evils of jealousy. The change starts within us connecting to the divine qualities that live within us with acceptance and appreciation, this we then reflect out to the world.
Rallying against life’s events won’t work on its own without us being willing to look deeper – at why things occurred in the first place. We have great responsibility to honestly assess our part in life’s play.
Well said Joseph – it makes sense that if we criticise a system, that we can offer an alternative way to be.
“So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” Beautiful CK. It is the how we do things rather than what we do that is important. Children feel energy and observe closely, even if we think they’re not. As a granny I know this to be true.
Yesterday a very beautiful woman came to say me hello. As she came I could observe her beauty and how she put so much effort in her physical appearence more than anything else. I didn’t feel comparison, I just decided to see her beauty within beyond the physical. It was a very valuable moment of see the woman she really is and that was stand in front of me. Seeing in her eyes all of her and sharing with her all of me made me feel equal, very natural and like there was no any difference as we are the same beauty.
Awesome Inma and I am sure she appreciated feeling you in your openness and the equality between you.
It’s very sad to see the high level of demand that we impose on ourselves and with each other as women. This is a pattern that is affecting us more than we want to admitt or accept. Deeply valuing ourselves for the precious women we are could be a good start to break this pattern. As we do it we can also appreciate other women in the same way. From this new mark there is no room for comparison, criticism or things like that, just the building of a new and true sisterhood that is very needed.
” Did that image and projection come from men and the media, or is it at all possible that it actually began with women themselves? ”
What a great question , I would say it started ” with woman themselves ”
for if it came from men and the media it would have not power unless it was honoured by the woman.
This is a superb blog, thank you CK. Yes, we can start by being more consciously loving with ourselves and observe ourselves how we are with each other to be able to step by step break open all the beliefs we so unconsciously hold and live by.
There certainly is in society today a vast array of images or pictures of what a woman can be or should be. We are offered and endless choice as to; what picture of a woman do you want to be? Powerful, sexy, sweet, tough, intelligent, mother, married, spiritual, famous and the list could go on. Yet in all these images there is one major flaw, as not any of these honours first the essence of who a woman truly is within, in essence. Yet pick any one of the above and we are offered the supposed reward of acceptance, recognition, approval and/or attention whilst completely overlooking and dismissing the fact that we are already everything and can bring our ‘everything’ to whatever we do. Indeed, we do need to stand up to these false images and reflect to the world the true power of a woman is in our connection to our essence.
How can we demand women’s rights, equality, respect and decency when we have little or no love for the self? It is the love lived in the body for ourselves that immense changes occur in every relationship and therefore sends ripples out into the world.
Well said Caroline as it is another false image that we can fall for to fight or demand to obtain a right that in-truth is already within us to reclaim and live – we only need to begin looking within. The true stance for woman is to live the power of who she in essence, as is our absolute birth right.
The best way to be a woman is to live from your heart and never hold back the love you are.
I think your onto something here for sure. We are incredibly critical of ourselves and other women. Our own worst enemies. So it is up to us to turn the tide on a way of being that has been around for eons and start to embrace being a woman.
We as women have fallen for more ideals And beliefs then we stood in the authority of our power.
This power may be described as our truth our openness to love
And our ability to feel the greatest power lays within us. We know our sacredness to be.
“is it possible that we are our greatest critics?” And is it possible that the comparison and judgement we think others are thinking is actually a reflection of what we are feeling about ourselves?
Yes, it is possible Mary. We can embrace every reflection to really see and feel the way in which we are being with ourselves. This can be a loving observation from a deeper place within us where we don’t judge and understand that we are alive, non perfect and in an ongoing process of returning to who we really are.
” Who Creates the Image of Women ” When I read this title I was prompted by a question who is still supporting the created image pf a woman and why.
How damaging the lies are that are perpetuated by pictures and ideals rather than simply embracing the truth and grace of the woman waving patiently within to be re-claimed in full.
As women, we are all too often our own worst enemy and this is true in the way we impose on and judge other women and especially and foremost, on how we do this to ourselves first.
” Picture this situation: You walk into a fabric store/sewing shop, make up done, heels on and feeling great in yourself, ” I wonder , and I wonder because of the height of heels in some shoes , why would a woman wear heels that are too high for their body., why would a person put their body under stress, by walking on heigh heels.
Women can be each other’s worst detractors and enemies – and this comes from measuring ourselves and each other against images and expectations that come from outside of us.
This is very beautiful. I had a similar experience to the situation you describe in the fabric shop while looking for a wedding gown today. Once I nominated that the energy at play was jealousy everything began to make sense and I stopped taking it personally rather than reacting and choosing to play victim or fighting back. We all have a responsibility to hold each other in love.
Right back to us, indeed what if it’s by the quality we live as women that others know what a woman is … and what if we stopped blaming the world and seriously looked at ourselves, not in judgement or condemnation, but considered why we hold back the quality we know we are and can live. Do we play a game with the world where we hold back until … some future time, or condition is met before we actually show ourselves and who we are … who’s in charge here then? Us or the world we handily blame for how we’re choosing to live?
There are so many expectations put on women, yet I have found the more I connect to the qualities within this is what I see and feel in others.
I am feeling more and more free of the impositions of what a woman is to look like, which is in itself an amazing thing to be free of.
It is so true that our current image of women is perpetuated by women and how self critical we can be of each other. It is only when we all take responsibility for how we are living and support other women rather than reacting with jealousy and comparison that we will eradicate the current perception that keeps us all trapped. When we blame others we feel powerless but when we claim our true power and work together miracles happen.
Wow. The experience in the fabric store perfectly illustrates the way women judge and compare. When I have experienced these reactions I have been able to feel that the women reacting are expressing jealousy. This means that they have chosen to live less than what they know themselves to be and when they see another who is choosing more they react rather than take responsibility.
It is up to all of us to support ourselves and each other as women. Women are powerful when we work together, appreciating the qualities we each bring. If we compare with each other it undermines the very essence of the sacredness that is within us, and we rob our world of this much needed quality of reflection.
” Who is actually creating the image that we all are pressurised to look up to , but at the same time are repulsed by ? ” another aspect of this question is who is submitting themselves to the created image so as to give life to what is false. Magazines are a simple example, women are taking photos of women ( which are made up pictures). Women are buying magazines in the want to look like the made up picture.
Totally agree CK women are so critical of themselves and each other. The more we love ourselves, truly love ourselves, then and only then will the outer world reflect that to us.
There is a light that burns within us with all the majesty of a star. Yet the images we hold onto as to who we should and shouldn’t be, serve to block the expression of this light so that the world is plunged into shadow. It is from this darkness we are all, both men and women, learning to arise and to do so we must learn to move in a way that is free from these images by first reconnecting to the great love and light we each in essence are. Only then can we begin to defeat the shadows such impositions (images) cast upon our plane of life.
This makes sense, women can be much more critical of looks than men.
This shows how much we have accepted ourselves as women in the roles that have been assigned to us, and anything that is offered beyond this task is met with scorn and disbelief, thus we hold ourselves in the prison that we have willingly entered. So thank you for making us aware of this predicament so that we can start to observe and clock how much we have conditioned ourselves and can start to open up to the possibility that there is another way to be with each other, a very loving and open way that we all deep down know and yearn for.
This writing reminds me of what a beautiful man said of a woman who had ” nothing to wear ” after trying on 5 out fits when getting ready to go to a family gathering.
” No one can verify your beauty , its up to you to honour it “
This is beautiful, confirming that the beauty is already there!
How true that is, it is up to us women to honour our beauty and then all else flows from this connection to the truth us.
Actually, I wonder if we create the image of women by our purchasing decisions. Men clearly have a different image of women, shown by their choice of purchases, than women do, shown by their choices. Yes, these choices are manipulated by experts but the underlying choice, including the one to be manipulated, is ours.
It’s so easy to blame others, men, society, but what of the images we hold, what of the way we insidiously set the standards by which we treat ourselves and all other women – great questions CK asking us to go underneath and to truly see our part and in seeing our part we can choose to change it.
I love coming back to this blog which reminds me to constantly learn from the reflections I am getting throughout the day. If there is still a fight for women’s rights going on in the world then there is yet a deeper love and respect within me to connect to and bring out to the world.
‘Who Creates the Image of Women’ What a wonderful question to consider and one which would very much be worth taking to the dinner table, women’s groups, in fact anywhere to discuss.
The power of being human is to know the responsibility is always on us. Why would anyone treat us without respect when we haven’t first treated ourselves the same way? Taking the responsibility to express and live the deep love and power we are is to respect and meet ourselves first and foremost, and when we commit to this, watch how our world changes.
As I read this I could think of the different ‘codes’ that exist in groups. When I used to play sport in a club there was a code between the women that you had to be tough on the sporting field and if anyone was weak they were looked down upon, when I have walked into a nail parlour there is a code that you should know about all the different types of nails, certain shops depict a certain image, certain suburbs can depict a certain way of life, when I was at school your were measured on the type of car your family had etc. There are many ‘codes’ that when bought into can influence how you feel about yourself.
‘But what if part of the way of moving forward for society is for women themselves to begin to look at the image they are holding onto about what a women actually is, as they too are part of the equation?’ I feel there is much still to let go of regarding the image of what a woman actually is. The crazy thing is that these images are not only false but when faced with the true beauty, grace, stillness and sacredness all women hold within they pale into insignificance.
We have been fed with false images, but surely we have to know that the truth is , as why would we know that they are false in the first place? Hence, by this blog, and the teachings of Universal Medicine, we can tell that we each all have a responsibility for how we live and where our living is based on. It brings back the truth of the greater responsibility we have, and that we are never a victim of our choices. It stands out that we are actually very intelligent, in sometimes not that intelligent ways..
The hurts we feel in situations like this can remind us of hurts from previous situations and we can paint reactions and responses onto otherwise innocent looks and glances. Owning who we are, being comfortable in our own skin and the path we have chosen to walk needs to be built as a foundation to support ourselves in moments where we are around others who are still working on that. We can definitely be the change we want to see!
Great sharing, it is crazy how much pressure women put on themselves and others to be a specific way than to just be who they are not being attached to what they can do or should do. It is really about the quality that one choose.
You raise such a huge point here CK, we’re happy to blame, to look out there and talk of the pressure to perform, to have it all, to be whatever we think a woman should be, but we’re part of what is creating these images and every time we play ball with this in our own lives we are adding to it; and indeed we avoid the responsibility of looking at how we live with ourselves as women, what standards we put upon ourselves, your example is beautiful in how regardless of how society presents images you chose to get on with creating a life that you wanted to lead and live as a woman. The truth is the majority of us, particularly in western cultures can do this, and the question to ask is why we don’t? Why we continue to play ball with those ideals we know are not true? There really is something for all of us to consider and something I will look at more deeply in my own life. Thank you.
It’s not just being a woman we have these pictures about, they seem to come up with everything in life. It’s like we measure success as our ability to chase and recreate these images ‘for real’. Like counterfeit specialists we strive to recreate something we have seen down to the last stitch and seem. Then we judge ourselves on how accurate we were – all the time it’s like we are waiting for someone to deliver us our prize for ‘best in class’ but in my experience it never arrives. Because, as you beautifully show here CK, life has absolutely nothing to do with our performance but everything does depend on the quality that we choose.
Recently I witness two women shopping in a grocery store. One was telling the other a story about how a man offered to carry her heavy bags to the car the other day. They were gas bagging about how insulting it was and laughed and bragged about how many bags they could carry and how silly it was for him to ask, “what century are we living in?” One of them added… “Our mothers were tough and always battled through, accepting help like that is pathetic.”
This to me is the perfect example about how we are at times our own worst enemies. I know this may sound harsh but these ladies had built there arms up at the gym to mirror that of a mans arm. They were sweet ladies but hard as nails and you could feel with how they spoke that their fight for equality with men had lead them down a slippery path of actually becoming more male rather than embracing who they are as woman.
Equality is so important but if women take on the energy of a man and express that into the world, that is not equal, one could argue that is actually a male energy dominating?
Yes C.K I agree 100%. We as women ourselves hold the responsibility for the degrading images we currently have in society suggesting what it is to be a woman. Through lack of self worth we have allowed these image to define us and without discernment we seek to follow these pictures to identify ourselves, as such we have lost the sense of who we are and the understanding of what it means to live in the true power of a woman. The fight for ‘women’s right s’ needs to being with the claiming of who we are within as women, through our daily life. Our right to live the sacredness of who we are is not a fight but an allowing of what is already within, to be embrace and allowed to simply emanate out. Being handed certain rights as women will not heal the mess we are in, unless we first walk realised that who we are within is what truly defines us as the divine women we are.
It’s true, regardless of who created the image or roles for women – we sustain them by not dedicating every waking moment to ensuring our quality is true, loving and never without equality.
It is so empowering for women to know and live that everything we are experience is a creation of our own choice and hence everything that we do not enjoy we have the power to re-correct in the way we live and choose.
“Who creates the image of women”? My instant feeling was “We all do” and it is a reflection how we all live.
It is a sobering thought that we as women have created a situation where we are our worst judges and critics but how amazing it is to feel the truth of this and realise in an instant that if we have created it we can also choose differently and come back to a life lived in connection to and appreciation and acceptance of ourselves first with no part of us looking to the outside to give us our value.
This is very true what you present here CK – and so very inspiring! Women can be so critical and judgmental not only of themselves but also other women – and in this way we perpetuate all the ideals and beliefs of what it is to be a woman, rather than being who we truly are and claiming that in full – claiming our natural and innate wisdom from within and not being controlled by outer influences.
“So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” This is an awesome question to ask ourselves CK and one well worth pondering by all women.
It was quite shocking to read the judgements women can make about other women as i read your blog CK because I could feel how true they are. How unloving we are to each other as women is a direct reflection of how unloving we are with ourselves first, so bringing it back to self love, self care and self nurture is a great first step towards changing the false image of a woman we might have.
This is a great blog, showing that judgment can exist anywhere and everywhere. You going in your amazingness into that shop and everybody reacts like crazy and then tries to use anything and everything to put you down rather than admire your particular way to be a beautiful woman.
We paint ourselves as helpless victims towards how men and the media treat us, but where is the responsibility in that? As you’ve shared C.K. the way in which we treat each other is fuelled with ideals, beliefs and measurements as to what a woman ‘should’ look like, and until we address this how can we point fingers elsewhere?
We as women are poisoned by the images we are fed of what a woman should and shouldn’t be and lost in this mire we then cast our judgements out on each other and through this comparison that stems from a lack of self-worth, the most destructive force on Earth is wielded though us. It is this jealousy that we use to cut down each other so that the true light of nurturing that each woman is custodian of, is annihilated and humanity is kept back from the truth of who we truly are. We each as women have a responsibility to not hold back our love and true sacredness so that we never allow ourselves to be used as puppets in this game where all that is not love seeks to suppress the expression of all that is.
It is like a mutual agreement for all of us to keep ourselves non-loving and therefore small. It is great that there are alternative ways for us to be and behave.
This is such a great and exposing blog. We have found the enemy, and it is us, as the quote goes.
Big question C.K and yes, what if it women changed their focus from comparison and jealousy to appreciation and acceptance? pretty sure that would be the biggest game changer ever!
Yes women are often their own worst enemies. The comparison and competition women to women can be very hidden and insidious thus more harming.
You raise some very important points – what if we as women are our own worst enemy? And what if we started to remedy this situation from within and between ourselves first? And could it be true that we actually set the standard by the way we treat and regard each other? Is it time to take responsibility and stop crying wolf?
When one woman denigrates another, we are all denigrated. Such abuse is a sign of the lack of true value we hold for ourselves. Expression like yours C.K. is the beginning of changing this way of relating to each other as women.
Yes, it may have been a new experience to see CK coming in claimed and not being affected by their attacks and put downs.
“it is actually women who are putting the most pressure, women who are setting the standards of ‘what a woman should be’, and it is women who judge and criticise other women for not living up to the ‘basics’ of being a woman.” This rings so loudly and true for me..yes I have put so much pressure on myself, I am the perpetrator. Now I feel to not bash myself up fo it but to choose another , more regarding way to walk forward. Thank you for helping me take a truer step.
Hello C.K. and great blog. I will share this blog around as I think you have struck something really deep here, “So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” What if all women grew up with this, would we see the high rates of breast cancer for example. In place of looking for cures to things would we be better served by putting some focus to how we are with ourselves that then leads to how we are with everything and everyone else?
I suspect that if we put 20 women (the number does not matter, it could be any number) in a room and asked them to talk about what it is to be a women now, that most of us would talk about our children, partners, what we don’t like about our bodies, our work, what we love doing, what we have to do and not necessarily enjoy….the list can go on. But would we really talk about what it’s like to be and live as a woman and what it means? What does it mean to care for yourself so deeply that it confirms how beautiful you feel and are, that you can feel it as you walk through your day? I know I would always be sharing about what I was doing for I thought that was much more interesting, but it’s actually not true. Women in our essence are incredible and so much more than interesting and we don’t have to be doing anything, or we could be doing anything to feel the living exquisiteness of who we are.
Reading this blog again today is like reading it for the first time, the questions you ask are so powerful and really bring home what we as women have created. Take a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship into consideration, if the mother ticks all the boxes of what a woman should do i.e. great at cooking, sewing, ironing, has given her life to her children etc. then a lot of the time there is a tension between them of who does better for the son/husband. And this has been all created by women. The mother needs to hold on to her way of life so that she can justify why she lost her self and is not living as the woman she could be. Imagine just in this situation, if both women turned this around, let go of the competition, let go of the ideals and beliefs, let go of their roles and actually reflected to each other the true qualities of being a woman, that have nothing to do with doing this that and the other? The family, both families would benefit from having true role models in their lives.
Ck, I love what you have written here. The jealously, comparison and disdain that is felt at times from women of another, is horrible and extremely hurtful. Is it any wonder that learning to be hard is thought to be the way to live? The trick we all get caught in is that to harden harms us, causes physical changes to our bodies and ultimately disease develops. It is the greatest service to our bodies to again entertain the idea of living from our centre with the grace it holds. Then even a greater service to man kind to live it.
I agree and just like the sharp emotions are contagious, being in your glory and joy and love, despite the looks of disgust, is also highly contagious.
We are designed to breathe in what another breathes out. How great then is our responsibility to know the source of the breath we so breathe?
“what a woman is supposed to be” so who writes the rules on what a woman is ‘supposed’ to be? Learning to appreciate and enjoy the innate beauty of who you are is the best antidote to comparison, jealousy and lack of self-worth.
Great question “How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?” my response is, that we can’t look for validation for who we are outside of ourselves. That when we do, we are never enough, never ever ever enough, so to value and appreciate yourself, it has to come from within.
Thank you CK, reading your words today I am getting an impression how this indoctrination you mention is not just to do with images of what it is to be a woman, but applies to life in a way that is much bigger. For do we hold ourselves as uniquely, how we feel ourselves to be, and move and express in our a way that is natural? Or have we made ourselves constant victims of circumstance and situations, presenting like chameleons a constantly changing picture? What would our life be like if we just simply lived free and clear of this images we have until now held dear? Perhaps we would see that for so long we have all been our own worst enemies?
“Did that image and projection come from men and the media, or is it at all possible that it actually began with women themselves? ” What a great question, we as women I am sure want to place a lot of blame at the feet of men, but we definitely have to shoulder a lot of where women are at today. What we accept in magazines, what we accept with partners, in families and at work. There is a lot that we as women could be doing in the way of changing up how we are portrayed in the media and society generally.
Thank you C.K. for bringing the truth of responsibility back to us ourselves as we at the least take on the subtle and not so subtle messages about who we ‘should’ be and then inadvertently pass them on to others. Or at the most in a victimised or contracted way or being, we may be creating those messages. Your blog is a great reality check.
This is a very interesting point you bring up, and I cannot do less than agree with you on this. I see clearly in the women around how they hardened and have got a standard that is far from the true women I can see they are deep inside. It is great to have this observation and be able to see this, and bring a understanding to how many women cope with life.
Who creates the image of women? This is a great reminder of our responsibility, as the image of women is set by each and everyone of us.
I loved your blog C K it really highlights how our lives are run by the expectation of ourselves and others, if we dropped jealously comparison and competition things would be very different, as women we have much to share with each other, and when we all work together as one there is much joy to behold.
Hi CK I hear what you are saying but at the same time still feel that there is a blame that we all hide behind as women for if we truly stood in our power as we are, whatever that looks like, all this is water off a duck’s back. We could walk in that store and be the role model of the woman who can be herself anywhere and everywhere without having to fit a stereotype and not be affected by other women’s insecurities. For I could easily say the opposite, that as I can cook, iron, sew and had lots of children but as I did not pursue an important career other women would scoff and look down on me and they did, but I now know that it is our own insecurities that get reflected back at us until we begin to know that we are enough just being ourselves.
As women we need to have a close look at what we accept, and are also presenting to the world.
‘Who Creates the Image of a Woman?’…. an image is only an image, a picture we have in our head and one we can buy into if we are not connected to our essence and claim ourselves in full as women. There is no perfection and no trying necessary, all it takes is a commitment and a responsibility to ourselves to bring love, truth, stillness, harmony and joy, which is the essence of God and our femaleness, back to our bodies and then it is not only us women that will benefit, but men too, bringing us back to living in true harmony together.
I tend to believe that we women have created this situation for ourselves because surely none of this would have happened if we hadn’t stepped away FROM our true selves and allowed the many forms of abuse in. So when in history did this begin to happen, why did we allow it, were we lied to or did we lie to ourselves, forgetting who we truly are? We are divine, glorious, powerful, untarnished (love that word!) and as someone shared with me recently, we are NOT broken, we can connect to our true beauty and sacredness (yes we ALL have it) that is inside our bodies at any time, we just need to take responsibility and stop lying to ourselves and buying into what society has dictated to us for too long.
Wow C.K. powerful electrifying read! You have what it takes to write how it is – a beautiful expression taking personal responsibility for this mess we are ALL in. Say no more I feel responsible too and I can feel to meet women in their essence will dissolve this out of control dilemma.
Thank you C.K. more from you please.
Women’s magazines who sell to women are very sensitive to the preferences of those women. If they don’t cater for their customers’ preferences, their circulation drops. The people who are driving these painful ideals may well be the customers themselves – possibly their unconscious preferences but still their preferences.
How lost are we CK when we rail against others, when we fight and stand with placards of hate against the current state? For as you so beautifully show it is us who keeps feeding the show, who silently keeps subscribing to this channel to ‘inequality TV’. We spend our day ignorantly supporting everything we fight against with our thoughts and quality of movement and we choose to live. So in the end in all of life, it ultimately seems to come down to us, do we conveniently want to continue to struggle – or set ourselves free at last from these self-imposed stereotypes of what a woman or a man should even be?
It is so true that women have a real skill in self criticism and comparison with others? We create our own beds to lie in and that starts with which thoughts we allow and which we don’t. Turning the tide on self bashing would have a huge impact on the way women see themselves in the world and in turn the way the world sees us.
What if we as women claimed our sacredness and presented this to the world? What would the media interpretation of a women look like then? I imagine the current images we see would stick out like sore thumbs as being completely out of place and the disconnection of those in them so very apparent.
This blog is so on the money in how we as women have been quick to blame others (men, media etc.) but not considered how we treat each other and what we set forth with this, we set the foundation for how others treat us. It’s definitely time to look within and around us and consider how we view ourselves and other women.
C.K it is so true that women are also responsible for how they get treated because these are the reflections of her own qualities she hold inside herself. As long as she allowed herself to treat herself disrespectful dismissive and abusive how should someone else treated her differently?
It’s true what you’ve shared here C.K, how can these expectations and roles be sustained unless we subscribe to them?
“So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” ~ which brings us back to the qualities inside of us, the sacredness, delicateness, wisdom and beauty, and until we begin to re-connect with these qualities we will continue to buy into the image we have of ourselves as women that we have, in fact created, For me, it is with the support of True Movement. Sacred Movement and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom through Universal Medicine that I am calling out these old worn out ideals, beliefs and images that I have been holding on to as a woman.
Beautifully written CK. As women we are our own worst critics. As we strip this away, no outer images can truly affect us as we know who we are.
Amazing blog! Its incredible to consider how much pressure women put on themselves and each other, they are their own worst enemies sometimes! These ideals and expectations can be passed down from generation to generation in our common places of school and work.
Absolutely Harry – and how revealing as CK shows that these ideals are not concrete weights landed on top of us from out of space, but something we all feed, nurture and grow with the energy and power we give to these false ways to be.
There is so much written on gender roles and equality for both women and men. But no-one is saying clearly that we actually each have a choice. That these pictures of the things we think we need to be, are not solid concrete objects that are dropped on top of you and me, but are consciousnesses we support and subscribe to…or not. So the choice is ours, do we agree to keep living limitedly or as you so beautifully say CK are we willing to open the door to the fact that inside, we are so so much more?
Now that is smashing a concept….. a woman that can’t cook, can’t sew, can’t iron, couldn’t clean or don’t or can’t have kids, then who are you? Maybe all those imposed perceptions is actually to keep us too busy in doing our duties that prevents us from being still enough to drop into our power. Could it be that our deepest fear as women is that we are powerful beyond measure. At some level we have an unspoken code to not go there. Making us the most cutting with each other. Thick with comparison and jealousy.
Great title CK…’Who creates the image of Women,’ much to ponder on for ultimately it is us women who needs to change how women are perceived in society today. If we don’t claim ourselves for fear of being scorned or ridiculed then we only have ourselves to answer to. When we bring a love and respect to ourselves and hold this regardless of the backlash of jealousy and comparison that may come up, then this will begin to be felt by others as was the case in the fabric shop CK.
You have exposed something quite hideous here CK, but it’s true – women are often extremely critical and abusive towards other women. It’s a conversation that needs to be raised more often because there would be so much collective power and strength available if women are supportive of each other. It starts from a foundation of self love.Thank you for your sharing – the responsibility to change this status quo rests with us all and we each have our part to play.
I love that you unreservedly asked for support when you needed it. It would be great if more woman could do this with confidence and a self assuredness like you did.
This is what stood out for me too Sally. I know in the past if I had the response that the shop assistance gave when asked if she would help carry the roll of fabric, I would have recoiled and not asked again preferring to struggle and no doubt hurt myself in the process rather than feel the scornful energy of the woman. I now know this is buying into how women are perceived in society today, and I am learning to ask for support in these situations without worrying so much about the response I may receive.
‘But what if part of the way of moving forward for society is for women themselves to begin to look at the image they are holding onto about what a women actually is, as they too are part of the equation?’ We have the power to make the changes. The way we express ourselves will do this. The more we value and accept ourselves the more we will make loving choices. These choices impact on our society as a whole. Everything matters.
There’s no doubt that these pictures are impactful, but what you share here CK turns any victimhood we might have absolutely on its head. We have the choice to subscribe to these images or not. Their power flows from us.
I love what you have shared and the contemplation it asks of women – for what if who we are as women can only be defined by our inner qualities rather than our domestic or otherwise duties – what ideals and beliefs have we subscribed to and thus ultimately perpetuate in the way we behave? We cannot just pass the responsibility onto the men. For the only standard that we should be setting and living to is that which is felt by the heart not the pictures of others.
A great question C.K…. ‘So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is…?’ For most of my life I would have considered it most definitely ‘not my job’ to show anyone what it means to be a woman, but these days realise that any true change on this note will not come from the media in particular, and if I rely on it coming from women in general, then I will continue to wait a very long time. The few true examples and role models I have been privy to… the likes of Natalie and Simone Benhayon, amongst quite a few others now, have been instrumental in supporting enormous change in the way I see myself and who I know myself to be as a woman. If we want change, it must be inspired by those living the change themselves, and the media can then represent this. It is not the trend-maker, but a reflection of what we’ve already chosen.
‘ If we want change, it must be inspired by those living the change themselves,’ powerful and so true Jenny. Walk the Talk and BE the Change 🙂 🙂
Yes kathrynfortuna exactly… that is the only way we are truly inspired. We get so caught up in things that promise change, I know I spent years trying this and that, only to find myself in pretty much the same place 20 years on.
True change began the day I met Serge Benhayon… and half the time I couldn’t even explain it, the change happened very naturally.
This is a great thought provoking blog CK, which gives us much to contemplate. There needs to be many more conversations like this amongst women, and it would be fabulous for it to be presented in womens magazines and the media in general! It is true we all have a part to play in all that goes on in the world, each and every one of us have a responsibility for our actions and inactions.
‘ being a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’ Such an important statement for women to truly embrace C.K. And the love and stillness that we naturally are can truly lead the way.
Great point and I agree, a very much needed conversation indeed. We have been so focused on our abilities and forgetting about our qualities. We so often measure who we are by our achievements and abilities but the truth is they are not who we are. We are much more than that, we hold qualities inside of us that is so powerful and encompassing. But so many of us are not choosing to appreciate, live or expressed them. We are love and this is the most power energy in the entire universe. We have it inside of us all, why we choose not to use it? It is pretty crazy really, with this immense power inside of us we seem to be doing everything possible to suppress it. It’s time for us to let it out and to fully live it.
CK I love the questions you pose and how you bring it right back to us and our responsibility – what is our part in how we’re perceived? How do we perpetuate it? And I love the considerations and comments that have ensued because you’ve written this blog. We are woman are very much in the driving seat, but it takes a level of honesty to understand and see that how we’ve lived has impaired us and other women. It’s ironic but some of the worst aspects of how women are put down are driven by our cultures and our religions but who ensure those cultures or religions continue within families, very often the women, despite complaining about not being respected. We cannot have our cake and eat it, the bottom line you eat cake you will either get fat, or be moody after your sugar high has worn off – there’s no escaping it. We choose what we put in our mouths, what we propagate for ourselves and other women, and it starts with us, how we treat ourselves, how we support ourselves. Thank you CK for shining a light on how we are with each other and how we are the ones who change that.
‘But what if part of the way of moving forward for society is for women themselves to begin to look at the image they are holding onto about what a women actually is, as they too are part of the equation?’ Enter – responsibility. I love the questions you pose C.K. It starts with us, absolutely.
Totally Giselle, this part you’ve highlighted truly inspires us to take responsibility for our choices. We’ve ultimately created a false image of ourselves and it’s time to expose it, let it go and start to truly live and express our love and truth, fully.
I so agree that we as women are our own worst critics. We not only put enormous pressure on ourselves to do, be and look like a goddess, the perfect women, the perfect mother, cook, clean and have a career. The media do play a part, along with men and how they feed the stereotype, but women can be so scathing of other women. There is jealousy, comparison, which just promotes more of not being or feeling good enough for all involved. We need more support, love, understanding and acceptance, but first we have to bring those qualities to ourselves, because in reconnecting to that love within and letting that out is the only way to hold another in that same love.
I can so relate to this as I know that in the past I have very often been my own worst critic, putting constant expectations on myself to ‘do’ more, which are hard (if not impossible at times) to measure up to. This then creates a cycle of self-critism which leads to low self worth which leads to trying to do more which leads to more self criticism etc. I can feel how individually we can play this cycle, and yet how this cycle is also represented much more widely in our communities as something that is fed by these beliefs, collectively or individually. However for me, I have found that the secret to breaking this cycle begins with self …. Self responsibility and self care and love which focuses not on what I “do” but “being” who I really am.
So true Angela, I feel exhausted just reading the cycle you describe but sadly it’s how most of us live to some degree or another. I can definitely relate, and agree, breaking the cycle begins with self-responsibility, self-care and developing self-love. This begins to rebuild our sense of self-worth, something seriously undermined by the sort of cycle you described.
Thank you CK, when we look out from the emptiness within, we create what is out there and all that, is empty of the true beauty and worth we truly are as women
Wonderful C.K. I have to admit that I was a woman who was not able to cook, I could not sew, could not iron, couldn’t clean or did not have kids and felt very much ok with that. I have to admit that I was proud of being different and I don’t want to have to do much with this kind of women. It needed Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine as a role model to learn that I was arrogant and that I too was not living a healthy life. Now I I can feel each day more and more the true woman in me who love to cook because it nurture others and herself – who love to iron because it is such a graceful act – who love to be in contact with each woman because they are all reflections and of course to treat them and all men and children with respect.
What are you talking about? Inner qualities, what do you mean?
Yes indeed, as a women in her mid 30’s at the time I was like ‘huh’? With the support of Natalie Benhayon I have become aware that i have divine inner qualities and that these qualities are the same in all women. Previous to this understanding and now knowing ,I lived up to the images reflected back to me by the media, other women and society in general of how i ‘thought’ i should be. Being supported to bring my focus inwards rather than being on the constant outer has allowed me to connect to a much deeper, still and sacred connection to myself as a woman. And far out…I blow myself away by the true beauty, depth and wisdom I hold. This is who we are – ALL women!
The fabric store environment you describe sounds so harsh and cruel. I have experienced moments like this with other women, in chemists, nightclubs and at work, in fact I am sure this plays out a lot. The woman in her heels in the clothing store sounded like a shining light and it feels quite obvious that the other women were jealous of this and using the ideals they have swallowed to express the jealousy they felt. This helps me to make sense of similar experiences in my own life. Thank you for sharing this here.
It’s astounding after 60 + years that I say I am learning to embrace and celebrate my inner qualities as a women, one would imagine along the way this may have been questioned but living as a true women is not commonly spoken about no matter what stage and age we are at. Thanks to Women in Livingness for shining a light on our most precious selves to be reunited in our beauty and sacredness.
Yes agreed Merrilee, it is astounding that we can get to 60+ and not have had ‘what it means to be a woman, to be true to one’s self’ as part of any regular conversation, let alone any conversation at all. It was certainly never pondered in my life until Natalie Benhayon began her presentations through Esoteric Women’s Health, and is amazing to read through blogs like this as feel the incredible growth and depth so many woman have now experienced as a result.
Great question C.K. Who creates the image of women? Well, I think women do. If there is one thing I’ve learned from Esoteric Women’s Health it is to take and honour self responsibility all the way. This has been deeply liberating for me as the woman I am.
You make some great points here CK and I love what you are saying and questioning for us all here. What a subject to talk about and so needed right now.
Well I can cook, clean and iron but I don’t tick all the other boxes like have kids, the right height and the list goes on.
I could honestly say, where I am at today is not about any of the outer stuff but what is really and truly me on the inside.
I know I was born a woman and I know life happened and I lost the plot and lived outside my deep and innate connection of who I truly am.
Thank You God for the Women In Livingness presentations that I have been blessed to attend that have given me back the tools to live a life as a real woman and not have the need to live an “image” of what I thought was what society needed for me to be a woman.
Thank You CK and all the writers and those behind the scenes who have made this blog site a platform of real Truth.
The qualities we hold inside us – yes this is exactly it. I know from my own experience I’ve been far removed from these qualities and didn’t really know they existed until relatively recently. And even now, I have yet to know them well or comprehensively. I can feel the well of the woman runs very deep.
It’s interesting, I don’t sew (and hated the assumption that this was something I needed to learn at school), dislike ironing a lot (98% of my wardrobe is iron-free), aren’t much interested in cleaning and domestic chores, and don’t have children by choice. I can cook (because I used to be a chef) but other than that, I would have been a ‘failure’ as a woman in the 50s and 60s (and in certain circles now). I choose instead what many other women of my generation chose – to find identity in career rather than domesticity. However this identification has not served me well as I departed from the natural characteristics of my gender to do it: in many respects my body and being would have been much better off pursuing more traditionally womanly work (assuming of course I could have approached it gently without needing to be a ‘superwoman’). But – whether we work in the home or not, we can all too easily become identified with what we do and judge other women we believe aren’t doing it as well as we are. Equally, we can hold ourselves lesser if we think another is doing more or doing it better than us. Either way we need to end this harmful comparison.
Great point Victoria, the focus we have on measuring ourselves based on what we do is rife, it has become the foundation from which we’ve come to define ourselves as women. But it makes no difference whether we choose to find our identity in being a ‘good home-keeper’ or a ‘corporate high-flyer’, both are still things we do. And interesting that 40 years ago, the home-maker was the ‘ideal true woman’, whereas today, she has been relegated to a lesser place and the independent, strong, capable corporate worker, juggling it all at home and work (superwoman in other words) is now hailed as ‘it’. As you say, neither has or had ‘it’ as ‘it’ can only come from knowing oneself from within, before we do anything. It is easy to see from this how we have come so unstuck as women, and why we have escalating health related issues… if the body is to reflect the quality of our choices then this makes perfect sense.
You raise an important question here CK: to what degree are we as women responsible for our own downfall? We are, as you say, expert at cutting each other off at the knees in all sorts of ways. Yes, men have a part to play in the denigration of women but if it is women who are equally or even originally the disparagers of women then there can be no untangling of this web of disrespect until we address this tendency to betray each other.
Do we truly love and appreciate our inner beauty or are we really only loving ourselves if we fit the image that society has put out there for us to see? I ask myself this question as I struggle at times to accept the wrinkles and grey hair on an ageing body!
I love your very honest response Anne, and can totally agree with what we get caught up in as you describe. And as I read your words here,
I struggle at times to accept the wrinkles and grey hair on an ageing body!, all I can feel is your absolute beauty within all of that. No matter those outer changes, your inner beauty far exceeds your outer dressings.
Same Anne, though in truth I’ve struggled to accept my body since I was 12, when I first heard I was not OK as I was. How many of us have let similar comments in, instead of staying with the truth of our own loveliness and wonderful, innate ‘me-ness’?
I say Yes, without reservation to the question…”So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” How empowering is it to consider that we have it all there waiting for us to live and embody, we can truly change how are woman perceived and so treated, without waiting for permission, asking for acknowledgement from any institutions, or any one…it is all there waiting…
A very honest account that opens up the question whether we might be our own and each other’s worst enemies as women but have found it easier to point the finger at outside forces when it comes to discrimination, abuse and inequality.
Yes Gabriele it’s like we are enemies until such time as we don’t prove a threat, that standoffish manner until we check each other out… And then we either allow the other in or deem the person not worthy of our attention. We can indeed be harsh critics and very judgemental without a word being exchanged, which in truth reveals how we hold and treat ourselves.
Agreed Gabriele. It’s important to look to our own responsibility in this picture – as ugly and assaulting as it may be. We’ve allowed it all to be so – via our relationships with ourselves and each other, and the negation of the depth of our own innate beauty that we have allowed for so very long.
It is heartening and powerful to feel the change here in blogs such as this and the work of Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health. Many women ARE transforming their lives and relationships with themselves and discovering it is possible to return to a way of honouring all that we are – way before anything that we may ‘do’. A revolution in consciousness the world most desperately is calling for.
‘Cherish Ourselves as we wish to be Cherished’
So simple and yet so seldom practiced, honored or even thought about. Me need to feel this same thing and allow themselves to care deeply about the warmth, care and strength that they are in their sensitivity.
Absolutely simplesimon888, until men and women equally treat themselves with the care we’re capable of holding ourselves with as we are with new borns, on a more moment to moment basis throughout all the years of our life, only then will we see our created images we know today be something of the past, having been exposed for the lies they are.
We so easily get caught up in putting ourselves down, which then brings in self doubt and lack of self worth. Appreciation goes a long way to building self worth, and when we feel confident about ourselves, being with others and openly sharing eliminates the need for people to look or be a certain way, and allows their inner beauty to shine instead.
True Sally, I am beginning to realise how powerful and significant appreciation is in restoring a true sense of who we are and re-building a sense of self-worth. By that token, it’s also a very effective way to hold ourselves back… to NOT appreciate true things in ourselves!
One of the things I notice about women generally is the hardness that women are presented with – from tough fitness images to tough business women
What a great question “How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?” this is such a great one. When we don’t feel that we have succeeded, made the right choice, honoured ourselves. What can come is self criticism, ‘you’ve done it again’, a hardness on ourselves. It is this time that it is important to bring the love, love for yourself, love that you are not a failure, yes, there may be other choices that could have been made, but bring awareness to that, so to create the space for next time to do it differently. There will always be another time to choose differently.
CK you bring up a very interesting point and I agree entirely. Women are there worst critics within themselves let alone with other woman. If we stopped and turned this critically way with ourselves into full appreciation towards ourselves then we would naturally start to appreciate other Woman as well instead of insisting them to be these impossible beings that ‘can do it all’ and look a certain way.
I’m right behind the author of this blog. “Are we truly indoctrinated by the outside world, and pressured to be a particular way by men or the media, or is it possible that we are our greatest critics?” I’ve observed women in my life (mothers, girlfriends and friends) in a great dither about their appearance, no more so, when they are spending time with other women rather than when going on dates with men. Not to say this is absolute, but this is my experience.
Who is actually creating the image that we all are pressured to look up to, but at the same time are repulsed by? – This is such a great question and really captures the moment when I see an image on a magazine it is like a pull, push response pulled in by the image and then push the image away with reaction and judgment – a game that is played at the expense of everywoman.
When it comes to ” the pull, push response pulled in by the image and then push the image away with reaction and judgement” in this moment nicholesjardin as you say we have the power as women to make a choice, but nothing is supporting us to stay in our power, and not be pulled in, we have few role models to say just be you, you don’t have to be anything to be more…. its a huge moment to realise the enormity of our choices and we are being sold literally a false ideal.
We have a choice as to what we reflect our amazing uniques selves or the constricted list of shoulds and musts from outside sources.
Is it possible that a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’ A great question to pose CK. We have learned from very young that we are loved for what we can do, even as a baby we are being asked to smile on cue and fulfil our parents needs. It’s great that you bring some light to this much needed topic for all and bring the conversation out in the open.
Not only is this very funnily written, there is a sense of harmony in this article, a harmony that is felt when true equality is lived.
CK – I totally agree that as women we have a responsibility to honour and respect ourselves and each other deeply – this is the only way will gain respect from others.
Thank you CK for breaking the mold of what women have been set in for so long- the domestic goddess. Your blog has questioned so much that society is just starting to feel the powerful truths expressed by so many women on this website.
A very exposing blog and shows the depth of self responsibilty.
How can we point the finger against men, media or what ever as long we do not embrace and express what we are in truth: A Woman. Sacred. Beautiful. Powerful.
I agree Sandra. As long we are not embracing and expressing our true beauty we are lost and dependant from the outside.
Exactly Kerstin. And no appreciation from the outside – may it be as great as can be – can replace the acceptance and honor for/from ourselves.
Absolutely Sandra, we have been so willing to make the fight with everyone else, avoiding true responsibility with ourselves and with each other as women, for sisterhood cannot be realised until we connect to our inner beauty and live, express from here.
Exactly we use the fights with others to disguise our neglected responsibility of honoring ourselves. Clever at one hand, but what sort of intelligent is that? We give our power away and then we blame others for it. This serves not humanity or our evolving.
I am enjoying so much to claim back my power and with that the true sisterhood which appears. And yes, I am also claiming to be honored by my partner and others in general. That is part of the clearing up behind me (old choices). I supported a careless treatment – now I have to face this and bring back the honor into my and our life. Thats my responsibility and to take this is a blessing.
We cannot sandra schneider, we cannot! I wonder if men are wondering where all the true women went? Well for a start they could look at the students of Esoteric Women’s Health, we are re-connecting to ourselves and gathering here.
Yes jeannettgold there is a lack of orientation for us all with out true role models. But there are always a few I guess and it is on us who we chose to take as our role model.
Also we can see here how we influence each other. My choices have an impact on others. If I am choosing to hold myself back, I hold back all women. And I agree, there are many women this days making a start in reconnecting and honoring themselves. I am looking forward to see what impact that will have on our world wide community.
Me too Sandra – if the 101 monkey phenomena applies to women reconnecting to and claiming their true selves then through the work of Esoteric Women’s Health and all the students and clients who turn their lives around through self-love then the effect on the evolution of humanity is guaranteed. Its very joyful to think like this.
We women need to begin to appreciate the sacredness we are, with the beauty and power.
‘Is it possible that a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’ How we value ourselves as the deeply beautiful and sacred women we are, is a most powerful key, and a natural way to bring our true selves to the world.
Absolutely Jenny. Returning to truly valuing ourselves and the depth of our innate beauty and sacredness as women changes everything – it has done so for me, and is a process that continues to unfold…
In honouring and connecting to our depth once again, we cannot but find ourselves reconsidering how driven we may have been/still be to deem ourselves ‘worthy’ via what we do – and take another look at how we’ve set up our lives… Is there room for honouring all that we are, first and foremost? Totally worth the pause and the pondering, in my books…
This is so powerful and exposing, just posing the question “Are we truly indoctrinated by the outside world, and pressured to be a particular way by men or the media, or is it possible that we are our greatest critics?” Where does the ideal image of women stem from? I feel there is a responsibility within all of us to challenge these pressures and judgments when you get caught up in them or observe them, exactly what feeds the media and the corporations who financially benefit from these ideals, they can not achieve these profits on their own, where does the responsibility for true change lie? Big bunnies’ will not change a formula that works and so this is where women can take the lead and develop self awareness and self worth and challenge these stereotypes and ideals.
That’s a great point Samantha… There have been many campaigns against the false portrayal of women’s body image towards organisations like Victoria’s Secret, but what we seem to forget is that they ONLY advertise the way they do because it is SUCCESSFUL, and thousands, maybe even millions of women buy their clothing/lingerie.
How lost are we as women to swallow this false and demeaning portrayal of women or to allow it at all — for we know this is polar opposite to who we naturally are, the power a true woman brings and is dishonouring to women in every way?
True, it is the women as consumers who hold the power in this equation and without our support a lot of industries and many companies would not flourish the way they do.
Very true Susie. We buy into it and don’t call it to account so its allowed to continue. If we call it to account from reaction then it never really changes, the reaction still feeds it. It needs to be from the authority of having lived another way and knowing that this isn’t true.
So true Susie, take American Apparel, this shop has snowballed globally but has anyone really taken a look at their advertising campaign – its clothes dressed as porn – if we stop for a moment and feel what is being presented we would not invest in these organisations.
Absolutely Lucinda. And there are many brands of clothing that find ‘mildly’ pornographic (over sexualised) advertising is the most successful, and makes the most money. This applies to things like the music industry too – someone such as Miley Cyrus, for example, is only so ‘out there’ and over-provocative with her body because it brings attention, publicity and success. A year ago she had almost disappeared out of the news and magazines, and now she’s on the front page regularly.
Yes, as consumers we have enormous power – women are still the main purchasers / decision-makers when it comes to fast-moving consumer and household goods and much of what is marketed is to us. In other words, it is not only specifically women-centric products such as makeup and clothing that we buy. Imagine if we voted with our wallets and stopped buying all the brands and items that contribute to the denigration of women because of the way they’re marketed… if we stood up together and said ‘enough’ to these abusive portrayals. There are women doing this, quite loudly, but there is nowhere near the groundswell required to effect meaningful as in broad and lasting change. As Susie points out, for every woman objecting to Victoria’s Secret there are probably another 10 buying their products. Collectively, we haven’t yet understood the abuse.
Very well said Victoria. No consumers = no products. There is no way we can make any long lasting changes to the denigration of women in fashion or the media, music and film industries whilst there are millions of women each day purchasing items, songs, magazines etc. that turn women into sex objects, or housewives designed to sew and wash dishes (and no this is not an exaggeration).
The growth of the celebrity news & gossip magazines which are devoured primarily by women today is an ugly marker of the rot we are buying into.
True Susie, and Samantha, we are part of those who play along – we are marketed to, and if things sell, then campaigns are considered successful, so if we don’t like it, we need to look at what we support, how we spend our money. Business are simple, they care about making money, selling, in most cases ideology is secondary, so we have a power we’re not exercising in sufficient numbers to say no – if we truly exercised that campaigns and approached would change. There’s also a wider consideration here, it’s not just about us and our comfortable bubbles – we need to consider if what we support truly supports all women – for instance if we buy cheap clothes, do we consider those women in Asia who work to produce them for minimum wage. Our understanding needs to encompass all of us, and to know that we all have a part to play.
Well said C.K., Samantha and so many others here. It is only through our own willingness to look at the collective lack of worth we have as women that feeds all these industries and a media that so readily objectifies our bodies – demeaning our true sacredness entirely – that things will change. We are responsible for what is out there, through our collective self-negation and selling out of the truth of who we are as women.
It all needs to be exposed for us to see what has been allowed, and with that we are called to attend to developing true and honouring relationships with ourselves and each other (all others) once more. This ‘revolution’ is already occurring, through the work of Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health – many, many women are re-awakening to the fact of our deeply innate beauty and value, and letting it be seen, known and heard.
Clearly much, much to come, but I for one am tremendously heartened by the shift in expression of women as evidenced on this blog, and now in so many other places.
This is by all accounts a huge revelation and something that needs continuous pondering and reflections, as this is an enormous factor in our modern day life. As a Woman I consider myself the same as all other Women and can really see how much responsibility we hold in our relationship with ourselves. What has been presented here is a massive stop moment because if this is the case and I feel it is then we as Women have created a downward spiral on how others treat us and this spiral has millions and millions of followers all seeking the same fundamental issue, so self-worth and building our own foundation of true self-worth is vital if we are to really step forward and claim all of our beauty inside out.
Amina, yes ‘we as Women have created a downward spiral on how others treat us’ – absolutely true and within us is the key to addressing this, to build a life such that we live from the essence we are.
Very true aminatumi. We do each hold the key and can either step forward or keep contributing to the individualistic momentum that commonly exists where there is hardness and competition but no joy, harmony or sense of brotherhood.
“Did that image and projection come from men and the media, or is it at all possible that it actually began with women themselves? ” I really really love this, I haven’t ever quite considered the extent to which our own quality, thoughts, feelings, and way we are living affects everything else coming at us, even though it maybe external I can really see the way in which we attract what is first within ourselves, and therefore in this case if we are first projecting an image of ourselves either physically, emotionally, or psychologically then that image is only going to be projected back at us
I too had never really considered that what we project, whether physical, emotional or psychological! Will be projected back to us. Everything we live affects everything that comes back at us. So it makes sense that we attract what’s first within ourselves.
Yes this is so true what you write here C.K. We as women hold the key to free ourselves from the ideals and beliefs that are there around being a woman. I can so relate to situations where I feel to blame someone else, men, society or whatever for me not feeling as the beautiful woman I am, but I am just wondering if I am maybe at those moments missing my own support and power to claim that I am indeed a beautiful woman, we indeed are our own worst critics!
A brilliant expose of the relationship of woman to woman… How it is layered deep and convoluted, then make up applied over it… In all seriousness though, you have hit the nail on the head in response to asking the question “who creates the image for women” is it coming from media or women… like the chicken and the egg conundrum… The Women in Livingness forums and Esoteric Women’s Health, strips back everything to show that it is the relationship of a woman with herself that changes everything… and that this has the capacity to change the way it currently is right now, to re-establish the quality and exquisiteness of female energy back into the way we all live together.
A very revealing blog CK and so full of truths. Everything begins and ends with us, we make all the choices for ourselves, and those choices would seem to be way off the mark in terms of the true self love and care we are all absolutely worthy of. Being naturally tender and loving from that still sacred place within each and every woman is a given, we just need to start claiming it now, letting go of those things we use to hold us back and return to the power of the woman in her fullness. The world is in dire need of that absolute love and reflection.
It’s a powerful discussion Julie, this blog, your words… that everything begins and ends with us. You remind us that each and every person shapes the world through our quality of choices and the level of love and self-responsibility we live on a moment to moment basis.
Yes Dean, the power of our choice to be responsible for our own love and how we allow it and be it, is what you are talking about here. Your own tender love is very much felt here. Beautiful.
Beautiful comment Julie, we certain do make all the choices for ourselves, we often become influenced from things outside of us but that is a choice. Inspiring blog and comment, Thank You CK.
You are absolutely right Jane, knowing that we do have the power, and freedom to choose is very empowering. Taking responsibility for our choices is super important, and through Universal Medicine I am just realising the true meaning of responsibility and the power we hold if we start to take it. Responsibility it a very big word and encompasses everything we do, our thoughts, words, deeds and actions, ALL of the time. WOW that is a responsibility, but once we realise the magnitude of this and accept our responsibility that we are not separate from the whole and what we do does matter, then the world will truly make a shift and stop the blame culture. Knowing that we have the power to affect true change is a responsibility that many do not want to take, choosing instead to be a ‘victim’, so it is thanks to Universal Medicine for presenting to me the truth so now I can stop living in ‘hope’ that the world will get ‘better’ and take responsibility for myself, where responsibility begins.
It sounds crazy but the blame and victimising can also be inside as well – in that having learnt from Universal Medicine presentations that everything starts and ends with my choices there has been a pattern of self-bashing for my choices made or so it seems. Because while we stand on a basis of lies about who we are that gives licence for this belief that we are the fault which is no different to blaming the outside world because that false platform is outside of ourselves/our essence too. It may be floating around in our thoughts and in our bodies movements but it’s still outside of who we truly are.
– Yes Julie the world certainly is in dire need for this true reflection. We as woman have the power, strength to stand there with equal amounts of fragility, delicateness and vulnerability and show the world that there is indeed another way. That this quality within every single one of us is the key to our true emanation, this stillness is what we are founded on and it is inside of us. There is nowhere to go, nothing we need – we are everything we need and then some.
Great blog CK, awesome points you’ve raised. This is so true, women can be their own harshest critics. I feel what we receive is what we’ve often have created for ourselves. If we treat ourselves with the highest regard, appreciation and love, it gets reflected back to us that same quality. So, how we live, what we choose and the quality we accept is entirely up to us to encompass. By pointing fingers and playing victim only feeds the ill that we’ve created. When we take full responsibility and change how we view ourselves and the way we live to reflect what we would like to receive back, things will then start to change.
“When we take full responsibility and change how we view ourselves and the way we live to reflect what we would like to receive back, things will then start to change.” beautifully said Chanly88, we are 100% responsible for what we receive back – cherish ourselves as we wish to be cherished.
I love this Lucindag – ‘cherish ourselves as we wish to be cherished.’ This is so true, and as you say we cannot blame anyone else for what comes back to us. Every single one of us has something to offer to the world, and if we claim that for ourselves, we can begin to share our amazing talents with each other and also deeply appreciate another for what they can do and we can’t.
Lucinda I couldn’t agree more. Today I was feeling a little fragile and noticed an old habit of looking to others for approval come in. But what I observed was people just getting on with their day and the validation I wanted wasn’t their responsibility but mine.
What I was asking for was unrealistic and even untenable – even if someone were to praise me this would never have sufficed because my not appreciating myself created a hole where self-doubt and self-critique would have annulled anything complimentary anyone said. I could see I was setting myself up to feel even more insecure if I kept on with this game so I just set about my tasks focusing on my connection with me. When I bring me to the table it doesn’t matter whether people approve of me or not which is very lovely.
I just love the word cherish lucindag, it’s so beautiful and tender. I have had moments when I have truly felt a beautiful delicateness AND an immense power within me, but I can’t hold on to it for long. Nevertheless, it is still there within me because it IS me and it then becomes my responsibility to re-connect to that feeling otherwise how are other women going to recognise it within themselves without the reflection! Double responsibility… to myself and all women.
‘If we treat ourselves with the highest regard, appreciation and love, it gets reflected back to us that same quality.’ Absolutely chanly88, as you say, it is our choice what comes back to us by what we put out, if we want to be cherished then start cherishing ourselves.
Saying that what we are receiving back from the world is a result of what we are putting out to it is a bold statement, especially when in our modern times many often cry victim of circumstance, of society, of people out there doing things to us. Yet the bold statement is true and correct, that what we choose for ourselves really does setup what sort of things will ‘happen to us’. As the saying goes ‘what goes around comes around’, this is accurate.
I totally agree lorrainewellman so beautifully said, ‘if we want to be cherished then start cherishing ourselves’. I love this part.
Yes, in not cherishing ourselves first, we completely set ourselves up, and then expect the world to be different. Since attending the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine everything makes so much more sense/
I totally agree with you lorrainewellman and chanly88 that the way we get treated is a reflection of how we view- the images we hold about how we should be as a woman, and the quality we choose to be in- connected to our true essence or separated from our soul. If we want change we need to change the quality we are choosing.
“By pointing fingers and playing victim only feeds the ill that we’ve created”….gosh so true and so well said Chanly. Full responsibility is the way to go. And with full appreciation of who we are. Its a great combination.
Awesome chanly88, you are spot on when you say we created this situation in which we find ourselves as women. So if we created it, we can un-create it in a blink of an eye. The question is, why did we create it in the first place? Once upon a time, many moons ago we were living as true women, tender and delicate, standing tall in our power and fully connected to our sacredness. We can’t blame it on society, because we ARE society and we can’t blame it on men either. If we begin to take responsibility for our own choices, and not be afraid of our own power then things will begin to change. It is never too late to reconnect to our essence, and once we feel our true power then it doesn’t matter that others think or say, we can just hold ourselves and reflect back to them who THEY are. And this goes for men too, they have lost touched with their true essence and are lost unless we can turn it around and support them also. Men and women are feeling the pain of separation to their true essence and we need to support each other in coming back to who we truly are, and that way the whole of society will change, because the sum of us IS society and we need to take full responsibility for that.
Well spoken Sandra, what is key is first: that we are society, secondly: that we are responsible for our own choices (we choose what we do and not do), thirdly: we have our own body were we can take off, never dependent on someone else (unless you are a baby), fourthly : our power is stronger than any misconception or illusion, image or ‘do task’ we can ever think of. Conclusion: we have stepped away from our power as women, which made us in the position we are now in – like this blog has shared, we have created it – it is easy to undo – simply by re-connecting to our power and find our way to express it and claim it back again in our every day life. Then we have no worries about the expectations that can come towards, but trustfully there will be seemingly decreased – simply because we are society and we decrease the lies by living power ourselves.
This sentence is worth it’s weight in gold chanly88… “I feel what we receive is what we’ve often have created for ourselves”… I know this to be true because I discovered it for myself after spending most of my life blaming the world for my own creations! How marvellous it is that we can come to these realisations which begin to initiate changes in our lives beyond anything we could imagine.
This is a great point. Women are the makers of their own stigma.
This isn’t to take away from the fact that society also contributes to the image of a women.
However if all women stood firm to who they truly are and their power as a women the social stigmas would not be able to be sustained.
When we start to live from the inside out rather than the outside in, we are true role models for the women around us.
Great questions C.K. I too have been pondering this lately so I appreciate your blog. For me, learning to cook, sew, knit and to keep a home has come from a desire to get back to a more simple way of living, a move away from the materialism and throw away society that we live in. To get in touch with the innate nurturing and creativity we have as women. But what I am learning along the way is that there is also a lot of other great and importance stuff to be getting on with and there is not endless time for these pursuits. I love them but I am now keeping them in balance, responding to what is needed, because they can otherwise become a distraction away from living a purposeful life. They can also become a way that we keep ourselves hard and disconnected from ourselves by staying up late to finish projects.
I do wonder however that we have collected a range of pictures along the way of what we think being a woman is. It is true, without awareness, we perpetuate them.
It is time to look at these and ask the question, is this what it means to be a woman? It is time to explore what life is when lived from our essence of stillness, stability and deep honour for ourselves. To look at our strengths and qualities and really appreciate them. And to let go of the pictures and expectations, seeing them as such, and living fully present with ourselves.
Thank you CK. It is empowering and feels very wise, instead of seeing ourself as women being the victim of the situation, or in reaction blaming, going into opposition to or thinking we have to prove something to men – all of which would still be devoid of love and appreciation – to deeply assess our own part in the whole game and bring love, appreciation and honouring to all of our interactions.
I feel many women do not even know where the ideals and beliefs came from but are so entrenched that is all they know to do. Play the roles that society has placed on them. Women can slowly start living to what they feel with the support of other women around them and share the divine qualities that they have with all.
It is very common as women where we get together and talk about what everyone out there is doing to us, the media, men, even our own children and this is correct, there are many images created and these images and expectations, but worst of all ‘myths’ that are believed to be true…its’ all about about how women are there to serve others, such as ‘sex objects’, mother’s to give it all for their children, the business women who faces the pressures to hold similar qualities as men…there is nowhere where woman are asked to be themselves, to explore ‘who am i really’ what do i feel, what do i think, how do i want to live without the silent pressures of social expectations…so when we come to this understanding that we do not allow ourselves to be true to who we are, then the real test is accepting that us woman, can be absolutely brutal towards each other and that is by comparison and jealousy…in all honesty how many of us can say we have never compared, we have never been jealous of another woman, we are threatened by other women, we put each other down….we don’t inspire each other to be more, to be ourselves, to be all our beauty within, to truly love each other and with that understanding of what it is to be a woman….
Great piece bringing the responsibility back to us as women first. How we are with ourselves and each other most definitely sets the example for others on how to treat us.
Absolutely Penny Scheenhouwer, we are all the key to how we will be with ourselves and others, with love as our guiding way.
Awesome points C.K. It’s so easy to blame our issues on something outside of us, our society, media, men, than to take responsibility for our choices and our part to play. Each and everyone of have the power to change… and your honesty is a great beginning…
Hi CK. Thank you for opening up this debate on, “Who creates the image of Women” I have to agree with many that we women often portray ourselves in a false way such as in Magazines and the way we often put each other down by gossiping to others .Instead of portraying ourselves as intelligent , caring and loving beings we hide our true essence from others when in fact we need to lead by example and encourage humanity to do the same.
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Absolutely Roslyn…what is it about us women, that we do not truly live who we are, woman have so much to offer the world, just by living our true qualities…qualities that are natural and many of us shy away from, and bury because they do not fit our ideas of what it is to be a woman….
Yes when we support and express things that are not truly who we are , It feels not right and we feel judged and not supported. The way we are is in the end up to us how we choose to think, accept and behave.
What a wonderful discussion you have started CK. Unfortunately the expectations of how a woman should be still exist in society today. There is no ‘quick fix’ for this, but it starts with women living and expressing from their essence and being “..the role models for children,men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you.”
C.K. I love this blog, this is exactly the question we as women should ask ourselves ‘what is our responsibility in this situation’. I feel the power that we as women have when we start appreciating each other again and let us feel inspired by one another. This will be world changing!
I am with you, Dianne. When we as women stop being in comparison and truly appreciate and suppot each other this will be world changing.
Yes, the victim card really gets us nowhere.
Responsibility=Role Model. And nobody can role model the woman we are, except for us.
I love your closing paragraph CK…what if it is up to women to be the role models? What if it is up to women to say NO to behaviour that is unloving so that men, children and other women see and feel what loving behaviour is?
For a long time, I didn’t value myself and did feel like a failure as a woman because I hadn’t followed what I saw as the traditional path for a woman, and what was expected of me, which was to marry and have a family. But really, the pressure came from myself because if I’d just said ‘that’s not for me’ or ‘great if that comes, great if it doesn’t’, I would have saved myself a lot of pressure, drama and unnecessary angst about what I perceived a successful woman to be.
Yes Sandra and what if women stopped hurting each other by comparison and jealousy and supported each other to be true woman, to dare to live what we feel and know. But have we lost connection to us as we give ourselves away to these images that falsely influence us…and as CK stated what if these images come from us…what is going on…is it that we do not want to live the potential of a true woman???
Absolutely. Is it not time for us as women to look at our qualities, our values and live from those instead of constantly trying to prove our ‘equality.’
Here’s a revelation – women have different strengths to men!
When we live with the acceptance and understanding of who we naturally are and bring that – we have the possibility of working together in harmony and not the constant battle of trying to prove our worth.
The world over, women are being persecuted because they are women. No amount of mountain climbing, juggling full time work and boardroom dominance will change that.
What can bring about the much needed change is for us to begin to accept ourselves as the nurturing and nourishing beings we are and to develop this within ourselves, for ourselves, first.
Hello C.K and I love the responsibility you bring with this blog. You can tell by the nature of the commenting that you have started something very worthwhile here. Like with everything in life if you see something that needs to change, then it will need to change from the inside out. So often we currently change the outside so things look better only to go around the block and see that nothing has truly changed. As I said I love what you have bought here C.K in that, “So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” Thank you C.K.
Yes it is a great point you raise CK. If I am honest about my false ideals of how a woman should be, I am responsible for allowing these in my life. We can blame society but it is made up of all of us.
Yes Annie, lets not forget we are part of society!
It is so true the world does not offer any understanding about being a true women except for what a women is expected to do as a job or role she must play to serve another, never herself.
Great point you bring in C.K, that women are equally part of the images that are present in our societies of how women should look like and behave. Most of the times we are the greatest commenters on ourselves as we do create our own picture of who we are and how we should look like and in doing so we contribute to the grander part that is all displayed around us. The way to stop this is to look inside and start changing this behaviour in ourselves first and allow our inner most to be our guide in how we will be in the temporal world from the inside out.
Hello Nico van Haastrecht, well said and I agree, “The way to stop this is to look inside and start changing this behaviour in ourselves first and allow our inner most to be our guide in how we will be in the temporal world from the inside out..”
I feel wearing clothes that make you very visible are the right attire in MANY situations. For a man it can be wearing a good suit or wearing cashmere casual clothing and wearing these clothes in environments where everybody else dresses down gives you a choice to either contract because you are dressed differently from everybody else or to accept that you are shining and everybody is seriously noticing you and may be reacting to you. So looking like a million dollars going into a fabric shop may give some other women ideas that they could do the same.
CK you raise an important point that we as woman must also take responsibility for the way we are with ourselves and each other, as this opens the way for self-empowerment to change. It is through the presentations of Natalie Benhayon and working with esoteric women’s health practitioners that I am now appreciating more deeply what it is to be a woman, and appreciating myself. I have recognised how I’ve been my own worst enemy and am, step by step, letting go of the ideals and beliefs that have stuck to me like barnacles. I am reclaiming the woman I am.
Often the conflict between men and women and the problems very publicly aired is distracting from the relationship with the sexes and the power plays and insecurities that happen between women and between men. Just like it makes sense to get to know / love ourselves before we can know / love another, so it seems important to get to know our true expression as men and women before we can begin to understand the true expression of the other gender. It is clear that the competitive dynamics that play out between women and between men, hold back a loving way to meet and relate to the opposite sex and for men, as carers, even interfere’s with the very understanding of what it is to be a man. Therefore sorting out our inter gender issues seems hugely important.
Simon I have realised that by not understanding myself as a woman I have projected unrealistic expectations on men in my relationships. I feel I am much more open to a loving relationship now that I have explored more deeply my relationship with myself as a woman.
Yes, I’m with you on that one hartanne60, my unrealistic expectations coupled with my lack of understanding of my own self, played havoc with my previous relationships. And I too am looking forward to taking my deepening relationship with myself, with me and be more open and true in my next relationship.
I put my hand up for that one hartanne60, the projecting of unrealistic expectations, or rather any expectations onto men in my past relationships. What I projected was what I wasn’t doing or giving to myself by way of nurturing and loving myself in full.
I agree, Simon, sorting out our inter-gender issues is hugely important. And yet it is one component of sorting out our issues in our self-relationship and our relationship with any and all other people, of both genders, and everything in between.
Now that is beautiful Anne where you have taken yourself by having a deeper relationship with yourself as a woman, that’s where it begins….
Great sharing CK. Where does all the jealousy and comparison come from? Answer-other women. Who tries to sell you clothes even though they do not look okay on you? Answer- other women. Who looks you up and down when you come into the room? Answer- other women. Who gossip the most?- Answer- other women.
Yes, we do ourselves such a disservice when we are not being our true selves and living from that. It is time to appreciate each other from the inside out and not the other way around.
I like your blog CK, developing a great point to bring a change to from women themselves, as we, as long, as we negate our true beauty, are addicted to comparison, outside-dictations, what beauty should be, included all the industries that make money with self-loathing and comparison of women. I agree with your beautiful last sentence: “So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” – great to start to bring this quality into the world, as we learn it through the teachings from Serge Benhayon and his whole family also through they are living examples of bringing true quality and beauty to the world.
You draw our attention to some particularly interesting and relevant points CK. Who is it that sets the standard that we so often judge ourselves by? If I am unable to look at another woman without makings some internal comment or comparison, is this not a rejection of all that we are as women? When we connect to our stillness within we have no need to judge – our hearts are open and welcoming that other woman into our heart as we connect to that innate essence that we all are as women. The outer suddenly becomes of little relevance as we know deep down that we are all the same – and that includes men as well. We feel an undeniable sense of equality and acceptance.
Absolutely CK, fantastic points and questions to ponder on. I know in my experience that we as women are definitely our own worst enemy.
Thank you CK. Your questions have really made me ponder on who has created the image of women. It appears to be a number of factors that have influenced the way women are and just not one thing. It is not about who to blame but about what we can do to overcome this world wide problem. Once we’ve lost that connection with ourselves (which we do from an early age) where the pure beauty resides and where we undeniably know who we are, we actually become lost souls and are open to all other influences around us. We grabble at anything to make us feel good, accepted and worthy as women. So women, it is about time to reconnect back to that pure beauty, the sacredness that dwells deep inside us then we will not need the outside world to tell us who we are.
We have a responsibility and power to break the prevailing consciousness: comparison, jealously, criticism, and embody something different, nurturing and true. I’m in a situation right now where a younger woman defers to me because of my age, is overly apologetic and self critical (I’ve been there myself). Each time she does this I reflect back to her that we are equals, explain that she has no need to aoplogise, show the absolute love and appreciation I have for her.
Even though it is true that women in general are harsh and judgmental of each other I don’t feel this is true of all women. i have come across many women who are gracious and loving and who offer huge support. We have to be careful not to paint everyone with the same brush.
Men play this same game of comparison and competition with each other. Instead of the tremendous support and strength that could be gained from men opening up and talking to each other as equals, we often try to compete for who has the greatest ‘lifestyle’ including job, wife, family, home, car, hobby, income etc. Deep down we know this does not work but we do it anyway to avoid looking at our own hurts and pretending that ‘everything is fine’.
Good point Andrew that there is competition and comparison between men also. It’s just crazy that we do not support our own gender or find ways of dealing with life together. Why on earth are we so competitive and jealous of each other?
It is true that many women settle in relationships of all kinds where we are treated lovelessly. I know for me I have been my own worst enemy when it comes to the lack of love in my life, after all we teach others how to treat us and my loveless life style towards myself attracted exactly that in all of my relationships. By connecting more and more with the sacredness of the woman I am through sacred movement, the Esoteric Woman’s groups, sessions with Esoteric practitioners along with the teaching of serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has supported me to understand my body and the difference learning to love myself makes in my life and reflects to those around me. So to answer your question I would say women create the image of woman.
I feel like you have captured a scenario that happens in many areas of our lives where women sort and judge based on a number of things including ability. It is like there is an automatic filter where we are sussing out who is the “Queen Bee” with the skills, looks and power. Then we play a game with sorting as to where we place ourselves, do we align to the power, run away from it , play ball with it, follow it or try to overthrow it.
We also search for allies, where do we belong? There is so much that goes on without words. We have the opportunity to connect to so much more than the outer shell, and as you say if we want to be seen for more than we are on the outside and what we can do then a great place to start is at home appreciating and cherishing it in ourselves and in other.
gosh this made me realise how much women do this Nicole and how much I have done this – measuring one another up in groups. It feels very ugly, no one mentions it but it is going on. It’s the words/ conversations that try to cover it up.
It so great to stop and have some real conversations about what actually goes on so we can start connecting on a deeper level with every woman. We all feel a connection with someone who chooses not to play along with the games.
Absolutely spot on Nicole, and this is a behaviour that starts extremely early on in school as children… I remember aged 7 I had already sussed out who the ‘queen bee’ was, and who was popular. I also figured out what I needed to do in order to fall under than umbrella of ‘popular’ and since then I’ve been on a huge rollercoaster of social climbing and falling… It’s amazing how far away from yourself you can get in an effort to win a title or status.
I agree Susie it starts so early and so ingrained we don’t even realise there in another way to be with each other.
Ever since I was a little girl I have been putting together pieces of what I believe the image of a woman should be from magazines, television, people I see out in the world. What is so interesting, is how I would choose certain pieces to create the whole image that suits me, whereas another person would choose something entirely different. So not only are we creating our own images, but it is impossible to gain any kind of satisfaction with what has been created because everything being created is a fabrication from the mind and not a real life person to begin with.
Very true Shami; we all consider that we know what it is to be a woman, but this is in fact built from all the ideals and beliefs that we choose to take on. It was the same for me too, I built a montage of the perfect woman, which was so far from who I was and more like who I wanted to be. To now understand that the true woman I am has nothing to do with external factors, but something that starts with how I feel in my body, how I choose to live and the care I take, has changed my very outlook completely.
‘But what if part of the way of moving forward for society is for women themselves to begin to look at the image they are holding onto about what a women actually is, as they too are part of the equation?’ For me all of my life I wanted to be like a man, strong and powerful. Since meeting the many inspiring women associated with Universal Medicine, I have been learning to feel myself as a woman and to know that tender delicateness that we all have naturally within. I can feel in my body how much damage the hard way I was living has done, and know that for women in general, we can all benefit from being truly ourselves and not trying to live up to any image.
Yes as women there is so much we can bring to each other by way of appreciation and celebration rather than squashing this sweetness into comparison and jealousy.
This latter approach leaves us all short, and even worse, harms others.
Felicity, this is so true. To appreciate and honour ourselves and others is the key to overcoming that dreaded comparison and jealousy which are so destructive to all involve.
Well said Felicity. The comparison and expectations of each other as women is a bigger trap than we realise. I miss out on supportive connections with other amazing women when I allow jealousy and comparison.
Really interesting article CK, not an angle we see addressed very often yet there is definite value in considering this more deeply, the destructive nature of how many women treat one another is a definite form of abuse, just as the “harmless” banter that flies between men does likewise. All in all a lot of work to still be done for humanity to be more loving to one another regardless of the differences or similarities we hold.
Well said, Stephen. What we classify as ‘harmless banter’ is often cruel and undermining, and even though we may choose to ignore it, we can all feel when someone is jealous, critical or trying to bring us or others down. It is great to expose these types of human behaviour, so that we can become more responsible for our thoughts and words about each other.
We absolutely have the ability to critique ourselves with appalling speed and precision, to cut ourselves down and yet disdain the common perception of a reduced version of ‘women’ as portrayed by the media, society and history…yet we equally have the choice to stop the in-feed of such disrespect, dishonour and disharmony to all that a woman naturally is. Could it be more a question of knowing and living our true worth as women? For if we value our natural quality we will accept nothing less than this in the world and if we appreciate our essence we will not so readily seek to set it aside or annihilate this.
Both genders play their part in cementng the ideals that become the identity for both sexes. And what this reveals more than anything is that we are all complicit in a game between men and women that serves all of us to ensure that we do not come to the truth of who we truly are. And that is the greatest travesty of the “gender war”, that in truth it is a sideshow, designed to distract us from the fact that as human beings we have lost our connection to our Soul, to God, and to the ability to be even aware of the existence of such a fact.
Great point Adam. It is a huge game that we have all been fooled by and to be stopped and distracted from our connection back to our true selves. And while we have this distraction women and men will continue to search and be what they are not.
We as women have the power to change everything…to be true role models in society. It is true, often we hold ourselves back and do not express because of perceived ‘victimhood’ and ideals of what a women is perceived to be. And all the time our stillness, sacredness, tenderness, wisdom and power is waiting there to be expressed. Expressing our true selves, supporting one another and letting go of the habit of undermining one another is the way to go, women in true collaboration, true change.
I can feel how I’ve held back in life, and not asked questions for a fear of looking or feeling stupid. I have been, and still can be, my hardest critic. The images of a woman we have all created or enjoined in all areas of society, only by changing they way we are, and claiming our loving ways back to ourselves and then everyone will the image change.
I agree that as women we are very hard on one another, from a judgement that usually come’s from a comparison and jealousy. In truth it is ourselves that we are first hard on, thinking we are not good enough or that we need to be doing better or looking a certain way. The empowering thing is if it is truly us who are holding mostly to these ideals and putting them onto ourselves and other women then we can easily break free from this – there’s nothing in the way.
Yes Danielle, we as women are very hard on each other, but we are even harder on ourselves first, which is probably why we can give each a tough hard time. If we can appreciate what we bring and who we are, it naturally follows there will be less tension in comparison to another.
I agree that it is simply not possible to hold judgement and jealousy when we are in deep appreciation of our own quality and that of others.
For me, it is an easy trap to fall into, being my own harshest critic. In that I end up putting so much pressure on myself in various areas of my life. When I act in this way it transfers to my relationships with others, especially my daughter. I end up raising the bar of expectation for her. I have learnt and felt for myself how insidious this truly is. When I choose to surrender to myself and from the shackles of all of these ideals and beliefs, out go any images and perceptions of what anything should look like and with that I, and those around me, are free to truly be themselves.
This is beautiful Jenny, it show’s how self centred or selfish it is to hold on to doubt and self criticism, and the power of surrendering to our beautiful selves.
Well said Jenny – High expectations, harsh self critique, perceptions, ideals and beliefs are total poison to women that bind us in self loathing, comparison and judgment. It is so amazing when we begin to break through all this and deeply appreciate the true beauty of the woman within and then celebrate other women equally so and break up the old consciousness of being lesser.
Harshness is the counter to the exquisiteness of our nature… It is like taking sandpaper to silk… We wouldn’t ruin our favourite silk gown with something that would pull it apart, and yet we often don’t question the quality we hold ourselves in, or the thoughts that tear us down.
Yes I agree it’s simply a choice to not entertain that way of thinking. It’s that simple, the whole world being the way it is, the ridiculous pressures we put on ourselves as women- all of this can change the minute we change the way we think about things. None of it is set in stone. Time to change how we relate to the world.
This is inspirational Felicity “all of this can change the minute we change the way we think about things.” Recently I’ve also re-discovered that the only way we can truly change our thoughts with ease and not a trying is to change the way we move our body. Move connected, gentle, open and honouring and we get more loving thoughts. Move rushed, hard and in disregard and we get more negative and harsh thoughts. Truly amazing.
I love this Felicity and Danielle – different choices simply leads us to return to stillness within and relate to the world differently.
These are the sorts of topics that should be explored in schools, universities, even in women’s magazines. The realisation that we have a choice to either claim ourselves, or go into comparison and jealousy over what we are not but should be. At the end of the day, it all comes down to choice, but the way the media sells the ideal woman has a lot to answer for. And it will only continue to feed on a weakness unless women are prepared to look deeper than what is on the surface and break free from this self-inflicted constraint.
This is revolutionary hvmorden “it will only continue to feed on a weakness unless women are prepared to look deeper than what is on the surface and break free from this self-inflicted constraint”. It is so true that it is a self-inflicted constraint and knowing this is the opportunity to empower ourselves.
Once I coached a hockey team of women, and I thought that it would be easier than the men – that the women would get on and all would be great. What I was shocked by and not prepared for was the amount of comparison that went on within the team. I did not have to worry about the opposition, because it quickly became apparent to me that the real enemy my team had to face was their own selves and each other. There was constant backstabbing and bickering and fingerpointing, and most of it in truth was over nothing that I could say was remotely substantial.
Adam, despite reading how shocking what was revealed to you by the chosen behaviour of the women hockey team, I couldn’t help but laugh a bit, because I could just so easily imagine it. It, the backstabbing and bickering etc. I can’t say I was ever exposed to in my youth, but I have seen this behaviour escalate during this last generation in some circles of women more and more – seemingly commencing in the school yard between teen girls. One wonders what has occurred to seemingly make this kind of behaviour ‘normal’ – I am aware that some would blame the ‘feminist movement’, equal rights, the burning of bras in the 60’s etc. etc.- however, women themselves/ourselves it seems have managed to create their cauldron of woes by trying to ‘be as good as a man’ – thus jeopardizing their own delicateness and true beauty. Maybe it is time to replace the ‘feminist movement’ with a more feminine rendition, and this I feel is being already felt as a result of the Women in Livingness – what a joy!
This is pretty shocking, I can just picture it. Your comment made me realise how I avoid situations like this. I often would turned away from these scenarios to not get involved. I usually carefully check out groups and things before I join. If it doesn’t feel right and I can feel comparison and backstabbing is active I will try to stay clear of it. Usually, I just quietly slip away to get myself out of a situation like this if I am ever in one. I try to avoid it as much as possible but truly I haven’t been willing to acknowledge by stay quiet and doing nothing about these kinds of behaviours is actually harmful. By running away and avoiding it doesn’t help cut these behaviours, if no one is willing to put a stop to it, it will just continue. Interesting to be aware of my part in this when situations like this occurs. Keeping quiet, not expressing truth is equally as harmful as the backstabbing and comparison.
Very true. This example was a great case in point in that regard, for in this example, I did not hide from what was going on, but called out their behaviour – and it made for some uncomfortable times. But I made it very clear that such behaviour would not be tolerated on my team, and in order to make the point I used to make them run together with their arms linked at training so that they understood that together was the only way forward. It was a bit extreme looking back, but the principle was there, and it actually did bring the point home. The bickering soon stopped.
Its interesting to consider womens part in their own image – the responsibility we all have in either continuing the cycle of unrealistic body images and life expectations, or ending the cycle and choosing another way. The media care only about what sells – and if we stop buying into the current beauty ideal, we will stop seeing it being sold to us – in the end, we have as much power as we want to take responsibility for.
We live in such a complicated society, where the image of the female body has been abused to such an extent that there is now a complacency to the fact and as women we just carry on, doing the best we can under the pressures we feel. Holding us responsible for this is enormous and may take time to filter through and begin to have an affect on how we relate to each other, but I guess by starting the conversation we are already starting the change.
Well said, Shami. Holding ourselves responsible is the only way things will change, and blame will no longer be a distraction from the truth we know inside.
Well said Janet, I love this:”…blame will no longer be a distraction from the truth we know inside.” Very clear and to the point, truly liberating.
I agree Janet, no amount of blame will change the situation, no matter who’s door we choose to lay it. When we get caught in the game of blaming anything and everything outside of ourselves we render ourselves powerless to change our situation – when in fact nothing could be further from the truth.
I agree Shami. The conversation is a start in our being responsible for where we are at. And as a whole we must come back to the truth of women…which starts by living the true qualities that a woman naturally emanates and not holding this back.
That is quite shocking to read Shami…in fact I read over it the first two times because I didn’t want to feel it. “… where the image of the female body has been abused to such an extent that there is now a complacency to the fact and as women we just carry on, doing the best we can under the pressures we feel.” Who are we if we allow ourselves and each other to be desensitized to such abusive behavior? Time to claim back our own self-loving care and support this in each other. We are so worth all the respect of the divine beings we truly are.
This is a great line and one to ponder on CK ” How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?” It is only recently that I have been able to accept that it is ok to appreciate myself as a women in a way that is loving and gentle. We need true role models in our lives to reflect what it is to be a women so that we don’t let outside influences dictate to us how we should be. I know without Natalie Benhayon, and Sara Williams and a few other women, I would still be living in a body that was hard and driven thinking that I was fit and doing well, when in fact I had no real understanding of what it is to be a woman and my hardened body was numb to anything that was truly gentle, caring and sensitive.
‘I had no real understanding of what it is to be a woman and my hardened body was numb to anything that was truly gentle, caring and sensitive.’ I agree, Alison, and the support of Natalie Benhayon and Sara Williams has been gorgeous in helping many of us to change this.
I agree Alison it’s important to have true role models. At a recent Universal Medicine Retreat, I felt the beauty, care and gentleness in the bodies of some of the women present. It taught me the difference between beautiful women and truly beautiful women, those who radiate with light and pure loveliness.
Alison, I appreciated reading your comment above to CK’s awesome blog – and the words, those 3 little words “…you have failed…” does something to the body if we allow them to, for I feel those words have in some way held us, as women, or maybe just as people overall, held us to ransom, clenched by a force with such determination to keep us from the truth, to keep us small. I, for one have on many occasions throughout my life been on the receiving end of those three words, or at the very least the inference of the message. How amazing it is to break free from that belief, which for myself, has only come about since I met Serge Benhayon and commenced attending the Ageless Wisdom teachings, enjoying being in the company of the students of the Way of The Livingness, and now feel more comfortable in my own skin just being me.
True Roberta. Not only do we hold ourselves under the pressure of ‘you have failed’… but every other woman. The way we relate to ourselves and other women is intense if it is not coming from the absolute acceptance of who we are. When we do not feel enough we are carrying the blade of comparison wherever we go, and it is this that cuts so deeply and perpetuates the continual harm we cause to ourselves and each other.
I can really relate to your comment Alison, ‘It is only recently that I have been able to accept that it is ok to appreciate myself as a women in a way that is loving and gentle.’ I was very hard and protected until a few years ago and would push myself to the extremes thinking this was very funny and cool – never nurturing or taking care of myself and I lacked self-worth and confidence, now having been inspired by Natalie Benhayon, Sara Williams and Mary-Louise Myers, I take care of myself and am very gentle with myself and others, this feels like the natural way to be in the world and yet in our society it is uncommon for women to take care of and nurture themselves.
Thank God that we have such amazing role models of True Women. As each of us lives the ‘True Woman’ we too will become needed role models for all others.
Absolutely Alison. It’s amazing to have role models like Natalie Benhayon or Sara Williams that don’t sell out or change how they are based on what society wants them to do or look like. Sometimes when I go out shopping or into town it’s like there are a million arrows everywhere I look saying, ‘DO THIS’, and do that – for example in a lot of shops there are huge posters and displays of very thin models, which sends the message that women need to be skinny to be beautiful or a model.
That is indeed the way it works Susie, we are bombarded with images of how we must look like and how we should behave and go about in life. But what we also may consider is the question of why these images are there for us to be considered, why are all these pictures there for us screaming out to us how we should be? Could it be that because we have lost our connection with who we truly are and where we belong to, that we have replaced this inner connection with the need for images from the outside, to give us something to hold on to and to remain in this disconnected way of living?
Yes we have been blessed by true role models and loads of presentations by Esoteric Women’s Health Practitioners. There is no excuse for us to not be living our divine connection as women thus inspiring both men and women to deeply connect and live their divinity.
I agree Marylouisemyers. At every Universal medicine event I attend, I am surrounded by role models, not to copy because I am not enough, but to celebrate because, not only are they gorgeous, but they are in no way imposing, and allow me to be gorgeous too.
I love what you share here Alison, because my experience has been the same. I used to think as a woman I was doing well because `i had everything on the outside that looked good, but in truth I was living contracted in self loathing, hardness and protection having rejected my fragility, gentleness and vulnerability. Having had women like Natalie Benhayon and Sara Williams show me by reflection what it means to live and accept what it truly means to be a woman has been healing on many levels. They continue so show me with deep love where I am still holding on to those things that make me feel less of who I truly am. I am deeply grateful and in full appreciation for their unwavering and dedicated support.
These amazing women you’ve mentioned are true role models for women world-wide. They inspires us to know that we can also choose to live and express the same quality, we are all the same, we each have something amazing within just waiting to be shared with the world. How amazing would it be if we all let loose and just be ourselves fully?
Ooo love this really opens up a can of worms for the conversation for all women to take back the responsibility of how we are, what has been allowed and be honest with each other, because these experiences of not feeling as if your a women are happing across the board way to frequently… I don’t sew but you know exactly that feeling thats being raised.
I would have thought the false consciousness of how a woman ‘should’ be e.g perfect family, sewing etc, would have been broken by now but this just shows it is still very much there, this and many other false consciousnesses about men, women and life itself. Why do we still allow this? What are we gaining from it? Is it that it allows us to ‘get away’ with some things and not stand in the fullness of who we truly are but instead hide? Because if we hide we don’t have to take responsibility for ourselves and the choices we have (and do) make that are not loving or about evolving for both ourselves and others … I say this from experience! Something I am looking to change 💕
Great blog, thank you for sharing and giving a new perspective to the gender problems that we have created together, men and women. It shows to what extend we don’t like to see our own problems, and are so quick to point at the other side. It is a great opportunity to feel what I am holding as gender roles in society.
I agree that as women we are our worst enemy. There is usually no harsher critic than a fellow woman when we fail to meet some ideal or expectation. We intuitively know that there is far more to being a woman than having a set of skills yet the enormous pressure exercised around us keep us disconnected from our true self. It is time to let go of the shackles connect to our inner heart.
I agree, it’s time to let go for sure. We create those shackles and we can break them away at any time. Letting go of those expectations from ourselves and others frees us up to be who we are.
These are all great points to consider. Women for sure can be their own worst enemy. It is time that women considered themselves in the depth of who they are, not defined by roles or anything they are supposed to naturally be able to do.
Hi Amanda, I certainly agree with you, women can be their own worst enemies. I know we would not talk to, nor treat another person the way we talk to our self at times. If we were to ask the question: “would we talk to our little child the way we are talking with our self right now?”. The answer would be NO so imagine the difference if we were to change that one thing.
That is true Mary-Louise. I have had to seriously re-evaluate my own self-talk as it was toxic. By being far more gentle with myself I am also far more accepting of myself and of others.
Great point Mary-Louise. I am seeing how I can apply this same approach to the way I treat myself as a man.
Thank you for the reminder marylouisemyers – I have found that changing the way I talk to myself not only changes the way I treat myself but also changes the way I relate to everyone around me. When I drop the harshness and instead talk to myself with the understanding and care that I would show to a small child, there is a natural gentleness and care in my actions and a growing trust in myself.
Amanda that is so truly women need to connect to the truth of who they truly are, the power, the beautiy and the magnificent stillness they bring, rather than get caught up in the ideas and beliefs of what a women should be.
C.K. Thanks for exposing the insanity about the ideas and beliefs, how a modern woman should behave, look like, etc.. It puts so much pressure on women, if they join this game – I have to meet these expectations. And thanks for expressing – there is another way, once we connect to our inner heart.
Thank you, Ariana, for highlighting how rich and meaningful our lives can be when we honour ourselves and commit to living with openness, integrity and love. There is no room here for measuring ourselves against some outer ideal which keeps us lesser.
I agree with this article, as women we need to take responsibility for what we are reflecting back to other women. We are our own worst enemies; blaming men/society/media is an excuse to not look at our own behaviors. A great example is when a woman walks into a room, every woman in the room looks her up and down and clocks everything about her: cloths, hair (type of cut and whether it is her natural color or not), shoes, jewelry, nail polish color, how white her teeth are, color of her skin, etc. etc. Then comes the comparison and/or jealousy or the judgment, which often covers the comparison and/or jealousy. We all can feel the game, some dress down so as to not have the force of jealousy come at them others play it up because they get off on the game. Shame really, all we need to do is unite and support each other to be and express the sacredness we naturally are and the whole world will benefit.
Great point Mary-Louise, it is time we as women stop playing games and appreciate ourselves and each other, that way we become united and the comparison and jealousy which runs rife can no longer exist. Imagine a world without the jealousy, without the comparison, how lovely and how powerful would that be?
This feels a bit like the last frontier for women. The moment when we consider, appreciate and take responsibility for the fact that the way women are viewed and treated by the world is down to us. This is a beautiful reclaiming of the power we have to re-introduce a quality of tenderness and stillness, which is much needed, back to us all.
C.K. very incisive and timely! We’ve had now decades of ‘women’s liberation’ and ‘equality’ but how come we are still slaves and unequal? Yes, it’s time to look at how we women ourselves keep the shackles on, with judgement and comparison as big components of it. I was horrified to read that one of the biggest forces in keeping female genital mutilation going in Africa is the pressure to do it by the older women. They had it done to them, believe it to be ‘right’ and so they keep doing it to the next generations of girls. It’s an extreme example, but perhaps it highlights what you are saying about taking a look at how we women ourselves create the very inequality and restrictive images that we complain about. If true love were there, how could any woman NOT want a young girl to grow up free of comparison, jealousy and being forced to fit into an unnatural ideal?
Such great questions you ask C.K., for it is men and women who make up society, so it is we who set these standards, ideals and beliefs about who or what a woman should be. It feels time as women we step up to the plate and take responsibility for the fact that we are the ones who have not called this out, accepting that we are to be measured by what we do, rather than who we are innately. It feels timely that you have begun this discussion and that we begin to choose another way, to live as we are, claiming the amazing qualities that make us the men and women we are.
‘If you truly think about it, if you are a woman and you can’t cook, can’t sew, can’t iron, couldn’t clean or don’t or can’t have kids, then who are you?’ This is such an important point. But have we as women set ourselves up to feel this? Firstly we are women in our beingness, before we ‘do’ anything. Yet striving and achieving sets in very early, for both men and women. ‘Just being me’ isn’t considered enough in society today, yet when I take all of myself, in my beingness, out into all my activity, this makes a huge difference.
“Is it possible that a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’”? Absolutely. We are women before we do anything. Our tasks and jobs in life are simply an expression. It is madness that we should be judged for what we do or do not know. Our essence as women remains the same.
I totally agree with you Rebecca. We are a woman first before the roles we chose to play. Our jobs are only an expression of who we are. Our inner qualities are so much more beautiful and divine, and equally within us all.
Thank you for opening this much needed conversation CK and asking the question ‘But what if part of the way of moving forward for society is for women themselves to begin to look at the image they are holding onto about what a women actually is, as they too are part of the equation?’ I feel I have rejected so much of the perceived image of what it is to be a woman in today’s society because I never felt I could measure up but I did it in a self-negating way rather than celebrating my own qualities. It feels like I am still taking baby steps with appreciating myself as a woman and valuing what I can bring to the equation.
We were decluttering the other day and found the box with the old photos we all have in a shoebox someplace. My wife found some of her young photos and remarked on how thin she was and the same time remember how much time and effort she was always trying to loose weight because of the self dissatisfaction she had with her body then. It feels insidious that this self-judgment goes on in women and that they are at times their own worst enemy and who needs enemy’s when other women are apparently ready to give you ‘the look’. All women are amazing, they just need to embody it.
In the mirror I create an image of myself every day by the clothes I wear, my hair and makeup. Because I will be seen by others, this naturally creates an image or a reflection, which I can manipulate to suit an unmet need from a hurt I carry, or it can be the whole and beautiful me, reflecting just exactly who I am ~ I have seen other women do this so I know it is possible.
Recently I searched google videos on ‘being a girl’ and up came pages and pages of girls with angry, depressed, and outraged faces with titles about hating being a girl. I was shocked. There was nothing there that presented or honoured the loveliness, the delicateness of being a girl.
So, when I read your blog, this question seemed like a great place for each of us to start:-
How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?
Maree, thanks for sharing the disturbing reality of what young girls are being presented with – just another reminder for us to look closely at what we are choosing for ourselves, and by that, what we are consistently reflecting to others. We are all responsible for this.
Very powerful blog and an important discussion to start C.K. – are we as women our own worst enemy? And as you say ‘Who is actually creating the image that we all are pressured to look up to, but at the same time are repulsed by?’ Isn´t it time we realise that the imprisonment of ideals and beliefs that we are living day out and day in are choices that we keep returning to over and over again, a pattern that goes on auto pilot – because we have never made a stop and asked ourselves could there be a different way. A way to live that allows us to be who we truly are and never feeling we have to cover up and hiding behind a facade to fit in.
Great questions pondered – whilst it is true that there are many unhealthy messages, ideals and beliefs about women in our society and culture, we will only take them on if we aren’t holding our own value and knowing. It certainly starts with us and from how we feel and value ourselves – and then we live from the inside out and offer an understanding of women to the world through the way we live and the quality of our relationship with ourselves.
Well said, Sarah Jane. Making sure we are living from the inside out rather than the outside in would make a huge difference in the world, as the connection to our inner truth and love would predominate.
A ground breaking blog CK because it takes the ultimate responsibility, to look within for the reasons as to why the outer world is the way it is for women. I keep picturing the women in the fabric shop under reverse circumstances, where they would each hold themselves and the other in the highest of regard. Wow, so much grace would fill that room. Women in their power like this will naturally pull the whole world into line..
“Is it possible that a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’” Is a great question to ask. It’s incredible how much we judge ourselves for what we do isn’t it? Our whole lives are based on this, but what if we appreciated ourselves for who we are, before being a mother, daughter, aunt, grandma, or putting ourselves into the boxes of what work we do, or what music we play? Each woman’s expression is unique, each woman in unique and we need to celebrate this.
“is it possible that we are our greatest critics?” yes I believe we can so easily be that. The comparison-reaction and the jealousy are so instantaneous we barely recognise when they have happened, they become the insidious way we first judge another woman and it feels like the most awful thing when it happens. When we choose to appreciate ourselves in our essence, we will be able to appreciate that same beauty in another. I’ve found that appreciating that in another, is also confirming myself too. A very different feeling to the comparison that’s been so common.
I work in the interior design industry and have visited many fabric showrooms and my experience is not dissimilar. For me, I have often gone ‘underdressed’ in practical clothing rather than ‘designer’ clothing but the response of looking me up and down was the same. When I then asked for assistance, the looks of disbelief and what you don’t know this? were strongly felt. For me, what is interesting is how we then do not want to talk about how horrible judging and comparing with another feels because we know we contribute to this and that feels even worse.
I love this blog as you ask some very important and thought provoking questions. As long as we keep judging each other we will never truly get to feel the support that we could be offering each other. We all hold pictures and judge each other for our weaknesses, sometimes even delighting in another’s failure or weakness which only serves to erode another’s confidence. However when we connect to the aliveness and beauty and sassiness of being a woman and we are able to stand strong and solid in that affirming that for ourselves and appreciating our strengths, there is no room to judge or criticise another and naturally we just want to support and fully appreciate each other.
This article is a call to let go of comparison and jealousy and start to accept the amazingness each single woman is in being with herself and her preciousness, sharing her deep wisdom with the world.
Major topic to discuss. Time to take responsibility for the society we all helped shaping.
The concept that I can make my own way, live in a way I feel to, rather than what TV or magazines tell me to has not been one that was at my forefront of thinking. I remember admiring someone from high school who was kind of geeky at the time, but looking back she was a woman who chose her own way. It is time indeed we see we can all do that, and through that choice we empower each and every woman, man and child we meet, simply through our presence.
Ha, Heather, I remember those geeky people at school who actually were the clever ones, not following the ‘pack’ but living what they felt to be correct. I am now learning from that experience and this blog that we all create an image as we go, so it’s our own choice and responsibility to choose which image we want to be felt.
‘Who creates the image of women?’ Just pondering on this again, the title in itself is revealing something because it is asking us to start to question something important here. Images are always created, but do we ever ask ourselves the question who and why?
It is quite painful to see women trying to live up to the ideals that stem from making up for the lack of selfworth they are ruled by. Who ever creates the images of and for women it is a personal choice to take it on or not as difficult it might be to set oneself free of them. No one else can do it for you, that is the same for women and men, we need to liberate ourselves and stand for who we truly are in a world that doesn´t live who it truly is. That´s the only way to bring change – being a role model of simply being oneself, true gender r-evolution.
Alex, having lived for so long in the images of how I thought I should look, when it came time to be the real me it was quite painful to realise that not only had I abandoned who I am, but in doing so I had actually been irresponsible. I realise now that we are all more than enough for just being ourselves.
Yes, Shami, it is painful to accept how we have abandoned ourselves, for who or what is forcing us to being neglectful and demeaning of ourselves other than the thoughts we have in our heads? Time to take responsibility for living more connected to ourselves and the strength and beauty we all have inside – the world sorely needs it!
This is a beautiful blog, C.K. It is always easy to look outside of ones’ self and identify the culprit that is holding one back, but the hidden attacker is often much closer to home than we like to think. Women do get attacked and objectified by men, there is no doubt about that in any way. But the damage that women can do to women in many ways outstrips what men can do to them. The subtle undermining of one’s worth can be incredibly devastating.
Well said Naren, and yes – ‘the hidden attacker is often much closer to home than we like to think.’ This is true and something well worth pondering for us all.
I read the devastating effects of constant comparison between women. It is a bit like women are splitted into two very different issues: the claims of gender equality (this unites women to a large extent) and the superiority games women play with themselves which put an enormous amount of pressure that calls for a response that invite women to be more preoccupied with the outside world than with themselves. This game has a clear consequence: it makes it very difficult for women to reclaim for themselves the stillness of God.
Indeed very difficult, and what needs to be considered as well is the core reason for women to choose the outward identification in the first place – the pain of not being loved and cherished for whom they truly are and the consequent lack of self-worth. So the moment they stop being caught up in the comparison and recognition game they have to face the underlying cause. We all can support women in re-claiming themselves by seeing them for the utter beauty and preciousness that they are and hold them dearly as nothing less; they can only resist so long before they again surrender to themselves.
Wise and very beautiful words Alex, which come from your deep understanding and love of God and women.
Alex you are a role model for men, lifting the veil on the shallow perceptions and ideals we have all been living in. I for one am a woman who appreciates your view.
Beautiful Alex, your words are deeply healing for us all.
A lovely comment Alex, and this is a great reminder, ‘We all can support women in re-claiming themselves by seeing them for the utter beauty and preciousness that they are and hold them dearly as nothing less; they can only resist so long before they again surrender to themselves.’ Adorable
Spoken with true understanding Alex – Thank you.
To see women claiming themselves and coming back to their beauty and power is a revelation and blessing worth celebrating, quietly, with a look, a smile, a word – a moment of appreciation, a confirming YES! Thank you for making that choice, it is a blessing.
… and what a devastating consequence this is Eduardo, for both men and women, when women ( and equally men) do not claim and know the Stillness of God that is our nature. In a world hell bent on motion and outer achievment, to again re-connect to the true power we hold and reflect in stillness, brings the possibility for harmony and balance to restore.
. No matter what shape or gender our physical form, we seem to have a way as humans of blaming others for where we stand. If we are women then our pain is because of the men, if we are men then our pain is because of the women, if we are children its because of the adults, as adults it’s because of our children, it’s because of our parents, our ex-husbands, our ex-girlfriends, our bosses, that kid that bullied us in the first grade and so on and so on, the lies we live… when really, no one is responsible for the lack of love we feel but ourselves. Blaming ourselves is not the answer either, it’s just adding to the lack of love that is being lived. Love is our greatest responsibility and to this date, on mass, we have not stepped up to express what we each hold deep within, so really it is little wonder that we are surrounded by such abuse – as above, so below.
Liane you have written “we have not stepped up to express what we hold deep within” I feel we also fear what’s deep within, our power.
We in truth know we feel so much more, with abilities to read each other, to genuinely see beyond the facades and see the essence of a person. I feel we hold back in expressing genuinely to each other because we don’t want to “out ” the person for the illusion they think is them, which we can see through in them but usually can’t see clearly in ourselves. Which makes for a complicated situation we have created yet there is a simple answer … Just be yourself, trust you are Divine, a unique expression and bring that to the world, then we would all have an honesty with ourselves and others and that would change the game.
Blaming ourselves or others are different ends of the same see-saw, the only truth as you say is love in fullness and expression.
I think you are onto to something here Liane :), “not matter what shape or gender our physical form, we seem to have a way as humans of blaming others for where we stand.” Meanwhile we are completely lost in the many excuses we can come up with for not actually standing in the truth of the absolute love that we are, and expressing from that essence. The outplay of this lack of acceptance then keeps us in the game and holds us all up… and none of us truly evolve. We are fuelling the creation of our own creation.
How great it is to begin to slowly unpick this land of ‘illusion’ and uncover where we have fooled ourselves.
Such a great point Liane, before we feel the lack of love we get from everyone else we first and foremost always feel the lack of love that we give ourselves, and then we go into the blame game that you describe rather than taking responsibility for ourselves first, and seeing that this is going on at such a large scale then the cycle of everyone being hurt by not loved and choosing not to be love just continues, giving power for the abuse to occur. But the only thing we can change is the love we feel for ourselves, and until we can truly feel that in ourselves, then we just keep going round in circles
I love the setting. A good looking, well dressed, attractive woman comes into a craft shop and EVERYBODY becomes jealous. The strange thing is that they may not have been jealous of the looks, the taste and the wealth – that would just be envy – but of the beauty and light of that person. When you really have it, you sometimes really get a response of pure hatred. How crazy is this world?
I also love this question ‘Did that image and projection come from men and the media, or is it at all possible that it actually began with women themselves?’ – this is a great question as we are so used to always playing the victim, ‘oh society did it, it was societies influence, or its the men’ etc, but is it not we who are society? And is it not we who choose what we will allow to influence and affect us?
C.K. a great blog with many valid questions. The example you gave of the woman in the fabric store is priceless and such a common occurrence for many of us who choose to step outside the comfort zone of living with low self worth as many of us women do. Once we step out of this, and start building a true sense of self and really valuing ourselves as women, our preciousness, our sweetness, our power, all of that, we start to shake things up a bit and of course this brings all sorts of behaviour to the fore. I feel it is not so much all the ideals and beliefs that come into play, although this is definitely a part, but more so the jealously and comparison this sparks and the lack of honesty with this allows it to continue to go on amongst women so much. The extent of this is so great, I don’t think even we are truly aware. I love this blog, and have many other comments to contribute as it brings up much we could and should be talking about.
I was in a conversation today with a group of women whom I had only met once or twice. The topic of body image came up and they were so on to how much women judge each other -very honest and greatly confirming of what is being shared here and how it is reaching out to all women.
It is a sad reflection on the “brotherhood” of women how callous and judgemental we can be. Yet we can see from all the comments on this blog, there is another way. Through connection with self, and honouring of the inner preciousness the world as it is for women begins to change, one by one we have a different view.
Great to hear – these conversations definitely need to be had regularly! It is no longer easy to ignore the pressure and judgement from women to women; we all see it every day, and I’ve actually found it has gotten worse in the last few years. This may well have something to do with my age (mid teens) and how girls are known to be a bit ‘bitchy’ at this time, but from talking to other women who are older there wasn’t the same degree of teasing, judging and jealousy as there is now.
I feel this is true Susie, although of course there was still some ‘cattiness’ and ‘bitchiness’ amongst my school peers when I was your age, approximately 40 years ago, it was no way comparable with what is going on today. We now have such an image-saturated, pornographically-saturated and driven society fuelled by social media and all the rest that the pressures on you young women (and young boys/men) to look and behave in certain ways is enormous. Perhaps then it is no surprise that this enormous tension and the insecurity it engenders plays out in the ways you describe between young women.
The importance of this blog, I feel, it that it gets us as women to start being more honest and aware of the way we speak about each other, what we think about other women, how much jealousy and comparison we don’t want to admit we have, and whether we truly want the best for each other. A good place to start! Nothing changes until we become responsible for the part we play in how things are.
I agree Janet ‘Nothing changes until we become responsible for the part we play in how things are.’ Honesty and awareness of the role that jealousy and comparison plays in so many of my relationships allows for the opportunity to change and opening up to appreciation of others and also what I have to offer.
I observe that the attraction of the media to be a certain way as a woman can be very strong and quickly we can go into comparison. If we as women are not connected to our knowing deep inside of us that our beauty is already there and not need to be seeked outside, we fall for the illusion outside. I am still in train to observe this and expose the ideals and beliefs I am sometimes still trapped in. Natalie Benhayon and her family supports me a lot in uncovering the levels of the illusion.
Nailed it C.K. I’ve often felt that blaming society and men for the state of womanhood to be a bit of a scapegoat. Although, I don’t believe I’ve taken full responsibility for how I am with other women. There is no doubt I compare myself to others even though I appear not to. The comparison is sneaky, because even when you know so deeply that it doesn’ serve anyone, it still sneaks in, with an undercurrent of jealousy. It’s definitely a work in progress, and the more I catch myself doing it the more opportunities I have to say no to it.
I am so with you there Elodie. I sometimes catch myself looking another woman up and down especially if she is glowing health, vitality, beauty and strength. I know then that the jealousy has crept in round the back door, but I also know that this is because there are still issues I have with myself that I have yet to deal with and haven’t wanted to look at or take responsibility for.
I feel that it is only when we know we are not being all that is within us to be that jealousy can creep in. As Adele says above we women have the depth to live the love we are but due to the force of the momentum of not choosing to be love for so long we are still often a work in progress, learning to make new choices all the time. So we need to be understanding and gentle with ourselves as one of our loving choices.
I love what you share here Josephine because you are so right. I can totally recognise that I am a work in progress due to the fact that I have not chosen to express all the love that I know I am. I have judged myself harshly for it. Learning to be understanding and gentle with myself is something that continues to unfold but I know that when I connect to the love that is I can observe the other stuff from there with not an ounce of judgment. The key is to connect and build the momentum from there.
As women, we have the depth to accept and appreciate ourselves in the confronting pressures from the world, we absolutely know this depth which is revealed more and more when we trust in and live the love that we are. This is what being a woman is all about. If as women, we are unable to live what we know to be true presently, it is because of all our past choices as women, which, we can start to re-imprint by connecting back to truth within us.
I agree the comparison game we women get caught up in from a very young age is the most harmful way of not accepting our own true beauty, but contributing to this strongly is the media and by us women choosing to buy these magazines which purport to have the miraculous new solution to how we can have the perfect body shape, glowing skin, how to get a partner and so on, we perpetuate these beliefs. If we choose to not buy these magazines then we are not supporting these ideals and beliefs and there will then be no market for them. We woman have the power to change this strong trend by simply keeping our money in our wallets. True beauty is reflected from the inside and that is what comes shining forth and can be inspiring, but it can never be attained through sensationalised glamorous magazines or by comparing ourselves with one another.
Whilst there may be many ideals, beliefs and expectations ‘out there’ about what it means to be a woman it is up to us whether we take on these stereotypes.
Are they really that powerful or is it us giving them the power? If we are not in acceptance of ourselves and know our own worth, we are the ones in judgment of ourselves and this is often what is reflected back. Appreciation of ourselves and each other is key.
Very true Victoria… It is the fact we have low self worth that allows these stereotypes to have so much power and force. If we take the example of CK – she felt great walking into the shop in her heels and with how she’d prepared herself for the day, but it was only because of her confidence and strong relationship with herself (‘I haven’t given much time to these ideals, and instead just focused on pursuing and shaping the life that I wanted to lead and live as a woman’), that she was able to see and expose the pressure coming from the other women around for what it truly is. If the situation was swapped, someone else might have gone in, felt the eyes of the other woman and totally conformed to what was ‘expected’ of them – carry the fabric themselves and struggle through trying to work out what’s what without asking for any help.
I recently had someone point out a judgement I had, and it stopped me in my tracks. I then began to see judgements all over the place. Judgement is a wily beast, with self-judgement being at its core, but once seen and brought to the light, the walls begin to crack and we can begin the pathway of living who we are, accepting and appreciating ourselves along with all others.
Beautifully said Heather – judgments comes in all sorts of disguises, we just need to let ourselves take an honest look at them and realise they are not who we are. Our true making is forever untouched by these outer influences, that is something to truly appreciate.
So true Heather, I can so relate and I am sure many others can also. It is purely a matter of cracking the judgments we hold toward our self and others so that “we can begin the pathway of living who we are, accepting and appreciating ourselves along with all others”.
There are many ideals, beliefs and false images that abound for women, and men, to hold themselves ransom to. We first need to be aware of this for ourselves and then from there we have the possibility of making a different choice, one that is honouring of who we truly are and all the love that we already are.
Yes Fiona, when we are aware of the many ideals, beliefs and false images we subscribe to we can make different choices for ourselves. This results in allowing others to see the same.
Definitely Fiona. We need to first call out and expose our behaviours and way of being that has contributed to the false image of women and men before we can begin changing it. You can’t make a difference if you’re not willing to take responsibility.
What a truly inspiring blog worth a lot of consideration. Making what we feel about ourselves far more important to our well being then what anyone else thinks of us.
If we don’t have a loving relationship with ourselves we are asking to be treated less.
Recently, exactly said this week, I have discovered that I am the one who has certain beliefs, ideals, pictures and ideas how me and my life should look like in some areas, that I had to admit, I am fooling myself. It is a set up I think it should be like this and it is quite awakening and a little bit of an ouch, when I came to the point that I thought something is super and then realized that I have made it into ‘super’ though it was not. I just missed the truth and lived a while with a kind of illusion. So now I know to some parts what’s not true, but this does not mean that I know how I can truly express and be a woman in these particular areas. An ongoing journey…
Just today someone was talking about kids in the playground and how girls are always mean to each other and falling out. I remembered this article and how woman are so critical of themselves and others these are the role models our young girls have no wonder they act it all out by falling out with each other and being critical.
Vanessa that puts it into yet a different perspective – how utterly important is it that we see the overall lack of responsibility to humanity as a whole, in choosing to live a measured life, based on judgment and comparison?
This is such a great piece about the reality of women and how we can treat ourselves and each other with a definite lack of true worth. A reflection perhaps of how we are living as women each moment in our daily lives.
Would the question be – who creates all of our ideas, the ideas that don’t work and harm? We are complicit by accepting and expressing them but where do they come from?
From a great pool of consciousness that we feed in a never ending loop of negative thoughts. Each one setting up a pathway through which the next one may travel. We are fed the thoughts that enter our minds but the quality of these is determined by the quality of love, or lack of it, that we live. Live love in full, and little else will find a crevice in which to burrow in.
Brilliant Liane. . . the perfect antidote to the whole self made problem. “Live love in full, and little else will find a crevice in which to burrow in”.
Emptiness needs to be filled, and as long as we don´t fill it with the original love it will be filled with more emptiness in the disguise of a treacherous fullness fed by the emptiness in the first place.
Further to my last comment about how I never had many of the issues other women speak off – perhaps because I never expected them or played along with them. However, I have had an issue in that I did not identify myself as a gender. I remember how strange it was when I was invited to all these women of the year lunches and business awards because I just saw myself as a person. It was not that I did not like being a woman because I certainly did and found it quite useful but there was a deeper level in my body that I did not connect to. In recent years I have been hugely inspired by Natalie Benhayon and started to connect more and more to what it means to be a woman. I have also experienced how so many of the Divine qualities that I now enjoy as a women (such as stillness) are not actually gender related. In fact I have observed that a lot of men are much more in touch with their sensitivity and fragility than women are – so there is still much for us all to learn in this area and a lot of illusion afoot!
Thanks Nicola
I agree in full that what we expect and put out is what we get in return. it makes sense, and makes it harder to keep playing the victim card in life. I also agree that many qualities deeply held by women in their essence can also be felt and held within men. I love how nothing is exclusive or just for the few.
I agree Felicity, nothing is exclusive or just for the few, nothing to be identified with as ‘mine’ – I love that there are now many men who are not afraid to connect to and reveal their fragility and sensitivity and as a woman this certainly shows up any areas of hardness or expectations (of what a man ‘should’ be) in me.
I don’t know anything about sewing and whenever I have gone into a fabric store and joked about my ignorance I have always been greatly supported by sales staff. I also used to be the only woman Director and CEO on a powerful board of Directors and never had an issue. I completely agree that as women we are the ones judging and not claiming ourselves. I also have noticed how much what you experience is what you expect and what you put out.
Nicola this is true I have noticed this too, “how much what you experience is what you expect and what you put out.” Knowing this is a great leveller because by changing expectations and what you put out changes what comes back to you.
Yes I agree Rachel and not only does it change what comes back, but it also changes our perception of what come back.
“I also have noticed how much what you experience is what you expect and what you put out.” This is such an important point for us all to understand as I also similarly have noticed that whatever we are expecting or however we feel about ourselves is only then magnified when we go out into the world and then as soon as someone treats us in any way that resembles the way we think or treat ourselves then we can be quick to judge ourselves as being “victim” to world and life, rather than first understanding that we always have the opportunity and responsibility to treat ourselves in a way that doesn’t dis-empower the magnitude of how innately great we all are
I once had a woman work for me as a PA who had always previously had very abusive bosses and carried a lot of hurts. In the beginning there was a honeymoon and she loved the job and bought in cookies for all the other stuff and everything was great. After a while she couldn’t handle the love and appreciation she was receiving at work and I noticed how she started to do all sorts of things to get me to give her a hard time. I actually felt a really strong energy coming from her trying to get me to abuse her. I resisted it and continued to be loving. She then created all sorts of issues with her husband and started to get more and more unhinged. The whole situation escalated to such an extent that when she could not get me to be abusive she ended up having a breakdown and leaving – it was very weird to witness this situation been played out.
I found your point about how ‘what you experience is what you expect and what you put out’ really interesting. I was going to share that I haven’t minded being a bit ‘different’ in life, not so much when I was younger, but as I’ve become older I actually enjoy not conforming. Maybe this is because I feel so much more connected to who I am and am enjoying being me. That is more important to me than what other people may think.
This is true, Nicola, I have met so many women in their working environment who are upset because their work is not valued but it is clear that they do not value themselves, they want it all to come from outside, but the outside world is simply reflecting what is inside us and the choices we make throughout our lives.
This is a great question you raise CK. Women can be very dismissive of each other. If we were more appreciative of each other’s individual quality and what each of us brings to the world as women, all being equally different yet together making the whole, maybe then we would all discover the power of women working together, now that would change the world!
That’s beautiful Sally and should be encouraged from a young age instead of the process of comparison that we impose virtually from the moment they are born.
A similar set of rules apply to men, if you’re not physically strong, capable and practical or show any signs of weakness or fragility, one has failed what is to me a real man. It’s interesting how we all abide to these rules and also create them ourselves.
It just goes to show how thick and fast these rules stick and flow through every aspect of our society. They are ingrained in us, so to live in a different way we really need to see what is going on everywhere and truly let go of much that we are used to.
Thanks for sharing this Thomas, it is interesting to read that men do this too in a different way. The rules that we create and abide to from a young age are ridiculous when we really think about it. These rules keep us playing less and always chasing our tail, looking to better ourselves in some way and not truly accepting the amazingness and celebrating the beauty of who we already are.
Yes, It is interesting that men apply a set of rules for themselves also. It’s crazy isn’t it that both men and women the world over are choosing to live in ways that aren’t true to our tender, sensitive and natural expression… that we mask our innateness with false ideals and beliefs.
Correct, men too have the pressure of being strong and fit. Although it is good to be fit, more than half the jobs in the world don’t involve massive biceps and bulging 6 packs, but there is still the pressure of only being accepted if you have those things.
True Ben, women fall for this picture of men, too. But as all women are lovely and precious, they have all their own expression. The same for men, every man has certain qualities, which embraced and lived, are beautiful to see.
yes true Thomas, we all abide by these rules, yet the only ones enforcing this is ourselves- we have such a fear and apprehension of being judged, its incredible how we stick to maintaining the status quo, even when we are being harmed by it, and we all know it deep down.
It is extraordinary Thomas. The “rules” are so old we think they are real and comply to them with such dogged obedience. Few of us raise our heads to ask “whose rules are they?” And of course the more we comply, the more we set them in stone, and impose them on each other as well as the next generation.
And so they become the normal so much so that we are hardly aware of them let alone question them.
I love this last part here Thomas, ‘and create them ourselves’. Feels pertinent that we actually lead with this awareness and unravel things backwards from there.
As a man I see the pressure that women put on themselves, constantly comparing themselves to other women. In the past my female friends have revealed that when they dress up in beautiful clothing and put on make up its more for the other women they will meet not the men.
I’ve done this loads in the past – dressed up nice, put makeup on and done my hair for the approval of the women I will see wherever I’m going… I remember when I was about 12 I first started doing it, and every day before I went to school I curled my hair (to the point people thought my hair was naturally curly) because my best friend had curly hair and I both wanted to impress her and compete with her, but also because I thought it was what was expected. I work on doing this less and less – but sometimes I struggle because the demands to look a certain way as a teenager are pretty intense (and I am still attached to fitting in!)
i love how honest you are about the demands to fit in. Even if we choose to ignore those demands, they are still there. I agree with the main theme in this article, we do it to ourselves. When women start to let go of needing to be anything other than who we are, and knowing ourselves from the inside out, then we will be at ease within ourselves and the rest of the world.
That is so true and honest Susie, these hidden demands to look or be a certain way are huge. I read the question in the blog “If you truly think about it, if you are a woman and you can’t cook, can’t sew, can’t iron, couldn’t clean or don’t or can’t have kids, then who are you?” I could feel without consciously knowing I held the belief that as a woman you have to be able to do all that! Thanks to Esoteric Women’s Health I now can feel that being a woman comes from deep inside us and is not defined by what chores we can do or not!
Me too Lieke. I always felt bad when we did sewing in Design Technology at school because I could never get it right – I often got the thread colour wrong, the pattern wrong or just broke the whole machine… My teacher gave me looks, and loved to compare the students who were ‘underperforming’ with the students who were naturals at it. Pretty crazy how much this expectation to be a certain way as a girl/woman plays out.
wow Susie, that is profound and not something I had considered before. Thank you.
Thanks for your honest and open sharing here Susie. It’s incredible that in 2015, we still hold stereotypes of what men and women should be able to do. As if being born female, you naturally can sew. Or being born male, you naturally can maintain a car. It’s crazy!
wow this is so true Thomas, dressing to impress feels so ugly – I used to do it all of the time, much less so now. I picked clothing for all of the wrong reasons, but it just fuels jealousy and comparison in other women. I realise now how much we are adding to it by dressing in this way.
I did the complete opposite and would dress down in order not to be seen. Recently a friend asked why do I hide my body/figure in the clothes I wear. I could feel how this made me feel ‘uncomfortable’ not wanting to feel the truth of it and exposed old beliefs .. this is still very much work in progress. But instead of it being trying to impress others it is more about my relationship with me.
Isn’t it borderline hilarious Thomas? This was actually something I did, and didn’t even realise. I honestly never considered that I dressed for the sake of fitting in with other women, not for myself and not for men. It’s seriously fascinating the lengths we go to.
I agree withy you Felicity once we are able to really appreciate our self and accept and love who we are, we can be loving and accepting of all women and the comparison and jealousy will stop.
Great comment Thomas, it gets even more interesting when we stop dressing for others (man or woman) and start dressing in honour of ourselves – then things really start to heat up and you can see how it is far more comfortable to stay in self worth issues, looking outside for attention and pretending we are not all that we know we are – this doesn’t rock the boat as much as living and being an incredible woman with all.
Thank you for sharing Thomas, its interesting to get the mans perspective – if all women made the decision to be happy as they where – happy and healthy, then it would remove all the pressure that we all feel is placed on us, mainly from everyone comparing ourselves to other people because of our own insecurities
Wow reading this comment I can feel how far we have gone to avoid connecting to ourselves and truly honouring how beautiful each and everyone of us are. It is a sad moment to feel this absolute disconnect and how much work we all have to do to rekindle what we have clearly left behind… Ourselves….
Oh dear! That really feels like missing the point what you describe Thomas. Wouldn’t the most important reason be how we feel when we dress up and then how we impress the person we are with? Doing it for everybody else feels like us having our personal Greek chorus and us trying to fulfil the chorus’ every desire. I can’t see that working. Thomas this is amazing what you are writing.
Enough of the finger pointing, it is time for us to take responsibility.
Yes susang, enough of looking and living outside of ourselves that only fuels comparison, jealousy and self-worth issues. It is time to take responsibility to re-connect to the truth of who we are as women, to live our stillness and the inner qualities of who we are so we may see and appreciate this in each other.
Absolutely Marcia, there is so much to appreciate in ourselves and each other when we re- connect to the truth of who we are.
And may be we will realize that the living stillness in us women is so various in color, shape and form as the flowers are in their color, shape and form in the nature.
Gorgeous Sonja: “the living stillness in us women is so various in color, shape and form as the flowers are in their color, shape and form in the nature.”
Exactly Marcia, it is the constant scurrying outside ourselves that gives the space for comparison and jealousy to arise because it looks like someone else has got what we are missing in ourselves. Once connected to ourselves it is easy to see and feel how all our beautiful and varying colours complement each other and there is no cause for any of the other.
I agree Susan G, and for my own self, not only to take the responsibility but to take the initiative and look a little deeper within as to why there has been or is a resistance to accepting the fact that yes indeed “I am a woman”. I have found as I further unfold that I have resisted even until recent months accessing the site Women in Livingness – one would have to seriously wonder at this behaviour, however, having called it out and not denying it I have found there has been a fear of some kind, an energy force that I was choosing, and for what purpose I asked myself. Maybe it was the thought behind not being willing to face my vulnerability, fragility and delicateness – almost a fear of ‘being found out’ – being exposed as the divine being that we all are when in union with God. What a reveal that is. Wow!
Well said SusanG, when we start to take responsibility for our own choices we can start to make a difference.
This is great CK, it is a big question equally for men and women. As Men we play so many roles and the competition between us, comparing lifestyles, is never-ending. It is only through living from what we feel inside that begins to change this high stress way of being.
It is odd isn’t it, that as men we just accept the comparing of lifestyles and the competition, and as women we just accept the enormous amount of comparison and jealousy, and we just accept that we have self worth issues. But its the complacency and accepting of these that allows them to continue.
But do we really accept this or is the comparing, competition, jealousy and comparison a reaction? If we truly accepted all that another is surely there would be none of this? For me what this highlights is how we grow up constantly looking on the outside and validate/calibrate and calculate who or what we are by others instead of first connecting with ourselves and the truth of who we are and live from there. This brings another question on why do we not know how to truly do this? Because if we did we would no longer have this issue.
I agree Mark and encourage reflection and discussion on all topics around gender. It is easy for us to say society casts images for men and women to look up to, but society is made up of men and woman. Hence it is pertinent for the sake of healing to ask oneself. Have I invested in an image or what a man or woman should be, based on what they do?
Great point Abby, at some point we need to realise that WE are society and the only stereotypes that stand are the ones that we accept because they serve us in some way. It suits me to have women, chasing their ‘self worth issues’ because I then don’t have to feel their incredible wisdom and rhythm they hold. I am sure it goes the same for it suiting women for men to stay in competition and not show them our true strength (our tenderness).
Joel L I agree that often it suits me when men are in competition with each other because when they’re not distracted in this way I feel how the beauty I hold within is felt and that can be super uncomfortable because I then feel all the ways I’ve not honoured myself. Not only that I can feel how not accepting myself and appreciating my beauty and those around me only encourages comparison and competition and keeps this going.
Absolutely Joel. We ARE society including all the bits we do like and all the bits don’t.
It’s no different to a family or a household where there are things happening that we feel strongly enough about to address and resolve harmoniously, and there are other things that we turn a blind eye to because we simply don’t want to deal with them.
The ramification for this however, is that it becomes very easy at a bigger picture level to allow society to also drop, slip and slide in certain areas (as it does), in some cases running way out of control.
Take online cyber-bullying and pornography as two examples. If the lack of intimacy and abusive ways of talking with each other are not resolved between us in at home, then it is easy enough to have that same dysfunction spill across into society in this case via the internet. Sure, we can enforce tougher laws to police these crimes (a god start) but until things change in our homes (from the inside) then these disharmonies will simply morph and pop up in some other form of social illness further down the track – no different to turning up the radio in your car to drown out the noise of your break pads wearing out, but only to find a few months later that you could not stop quick enough at the traffic lights and ran into the guy in front of you.
If we want to heal society it can be done, but done first by way of our everyday relationships especially in our homes with our partners, our children or our housemates, and then at work and in the wider community. This is the true purpose of family and relationships; to develop a unit of people that work harmoniously together; then to take that way of being with people to work and society.
Family life can be very challenging and is by no means perfect and no-one gets it all right… but this is what true family is about. As many of the readers of this blog know, Miranda and Serge Benhayon and their entire family are very strong examples of this principle in action…. it can most certainly be done.
I absolutely agree Abby and everyone on the tread. WE are society and when we acknowledge that and see what we as a society have created, then we know that it starts with each one of us to change this unloving and empty way.
When we are connected to what we feel from within, there is no-thing or no-one that we want to compare ourselves to instead it’s acceptance all the way! From here our beauty just shines through – both men and women.
Totally Shevon, and then we are all connected regardless of male/female, the way it is supposed to be.
‘Are we truly indoctrinated by the outside world, and pressured to be a particular way by men or the media, or is it possible that we are our greatest critics?’
CK this is a very exposing question. We are so often our greatest enemies. In fact I feel like we are ‘running the show’. And as long as we blame others we will never make the changes required to lift ourselves from the image we have created.
Absolutely Kathryn – an image that is less than that which we come from. God did not make women in the image of what we have allowed, we have. This is worthy of a stop moment to feel the true image from which we come from.
I love the last line of what you have written here CK. We are so conditioned to identify with what is expected of us and with whatever coping mechanism we have used to get by in life, that we no longer express and live in the innate and precious qualities that reside within. What a gift it is to reconnect to these qualities and live from there and leave those false identities behind. Life is so much more simple, fun and full this way.
Absolutely CK its about time women take responsibility for the self created fall we have set up. It seems we were quick to blame the opposite sex for their role in our demise but no so willing to look at our own part in this process.
Indeed, lucindag, it seems were are more comfortable casting blame on the opposite sex rather than looking at what we have created for ourselves. We all do this, when we avoid taking responsibility for the fact that our lives are a reflection of the choices we have made, and that we are solely determining our future. The Esoteric Women’s Health work feels key to turning things around so we can reclaim a more loving way of being with ourselves and each other.
Most definitely! it is “possible that a woman means more than what you can ‘do’ or the ‘skill set that you hold.’” I grew up thinking that my self esteem and value sat with what I could do, the qualifications I achieved and success at work. Yet there came a point despite successfully fulfilling theses needs that I had to start to look at what more there was to me…the outer projections and needs were making me ill. When I started to let these go and explore our inner nature as women, it was clear we can begin to bring our own revolution, gently, sensitively and tenderly, reintroducing the role models that are currently lacking.
This is beautiful Rosanna, ‘we can begin to bring our own revolution, gently, sensitively and tenderly, reintroducing the role models that are currently lacking.’ It is lovely to feel how we have the power to reflect these true qualities of women and inspire others to re-connect to these beautiful qualities within themselves.
Thank you, CK. What this brings up for me is a deeper realisation of what I did not get from my mother, in terms of support to embody my strengths and beautiful qualities as a woman. But this is because her mother did not do that for her, and I can honestly say that I have not been a fully claimed role model for my daughters either. If we are not speaking up, claiming and supporting ourselves and each other, then by default we are accepting a lesser version, which then becomes the norm, therefore we all loose out (as does the world!) and end up turning against each other.
Yes, I can understand that we need each other to support us to ’embody our strengths and beautiful qualities as a woman’. How important this is when we can give it form mother to daughter – but it is in the same way important to give it from one woman to another.
You raise some really great points CK. There can be so much comparison and jealousy amongst women, that the last thing we end up doing for each other is supporting one another. I know I avoided and hid from this by masculinising myself and making sure that I was so independent that I did not need support from anyone. I can see now how this behaviour does not actually assist women at all.It just keeps the same cycles going on. It’s a huge responsibility to allow ourselves to be ourselves, without thinking that we have to fit into an ideal of what a woman is or should be and is in fact a blessing, as you have said for everyone when we are simply our beautiful selves in full.
It is so important to appreciate other women and celebrate their unique beauty which might be totally different too our own. I know that when I do this I feel 100% better in myself. It is simply a prison to be bound up in our own jealousy or comparison. It really does make no sense at all. We are all women after all. We should be supporting each other, not judging.
So true Rebecca, ‘We should be supporting each other, not judging.’ I know that it feels great when Im not in judgment and instead I see and feel how lovely another woman is and express this to her, there is a lovely connection and appreciation between us.
The feeling in my body when I stop and appreciate another is empowering, warm and expansive. Conversely the feeling in my body when I go into comparison or jealousy is constrictive, cold and turns into a form of self-abuse. I know in my head, and now my body, which I would rather be choosing.
The sentence which really stopped me in my tracks was “How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed”. Before allowing self love into my life I would of reacted in one of many ways – all pointing towards self abuse and feeling totally and utterly downtrodden, not good enough. All my own doing etc etc. Add self-love to the same situation and I would say there is ‘no failure’ only an experience to feel into and to appreciate the ‘all’ that I could bring.
I feel many returns to this amazing sharing CK thank you.
Thank you for highlighting this sentence Marion. I caught myself out today giving myself a hard time for not knowing something that someone had asked me. Rather than saying I don’t know and feeling ok about it, I said a few things that I felt uncertain about, without saying I don’t know. Although I didn’t think I was a failure. The”you should have known that” snuck in. What a way to bring oneself down and completely sabotage ourselves, when there is nothing true in this whatsoever.
women amongst each other can be ruthless in jealousy and comparisons and in this behaviour we keep each other down. What if we were to openly celebrate and appreciate each other? You are very right C.K. we need to be the role models that set the new standard as a very large part of the way forwards.
Awesome sharing here CK. Gosh! this really got me thinking/feeling into how as women the pressures we put upon ourselves to live up to someone’s else’s expectations but, more than that. What pressures do we bring upon ourselves!!! to be this super human being that can do all and be all to everyone else and then to feel less because our own expectation is far higher that the outcome. A part of a sentence that you shared really touched base. There is much here that you have shared with us CK thank you.
I admire your writing C.K and how you have opened up the wound for us all to consider. I am completely in agreement that women have a part to play in how we have allowed society to see us, and I put my hand up to say I know i have contributed to criticising other women. It is sad to stop and take note of the effects even the smallest il thought of comparison has between women.
As I read this blog again, I have been taking appreciation to women rather than comparison this week, and it is as if my whole body has started to relax – allowing myself to be and allowing others to be instead of having my investigation radar on whenever another woman is near.
I feel what you say here Elizabeth is so true, how we cut each other down to size to fit in with our own ideals and beliefs as a way of keeping each other small, instead of supporting each other to grow and become women of the world and stand equal to each other in true brotherhood.
These are great questions C.K., I started to ask myself also a while ago. Especially the first one that all the images and projections how a woman has to be, may come from ourselves. We are the greatest critics of ourselves and other women – and we are not very gentle with it.
It is great to have this highlighted Sonja, just how critical we women can be, of ourselves as well as of other women. We can be more aware and ‘catch’ ourselves at it and choose appreciation instead.
Can it be Carmel, that we as women have problems to appreciate ourselves in such a way and manner that we truly deserve? And from this lack of self-appreciation and self-love makes it much easier to disgust other women?
Very powerfull article C.K- as woman we tend to be very critical and judgemental of others. We complain how the media portrays a woman as being sexualised, but are we not contributing to this?- At present I am at Mykonos- Greek island- amazingly beautiful place- whitewashed buildings against brilliant blue sky. I was just observing tourists taking pictures of themselves especially woman- so many posed like a model would for a product shoot or magazine- I was surprised. Therefore is it not our responsibility to show another way- by connecting to the love within ourselves and knowing that this is enough?
What if a woman was defined by the qualities she holds inside, by her inner wisdom and tenderness; how amazing would that be!!
Women would feel free to be in their full power, how amazing would that be!!
Keep on being an inspiration for us all C.K.
Awesome article C.K, I love the fabric store example. How you have described the interaction between women does happen like that. It highlights how the connection to knowing and living our true essence has eroded over the course of history and been replaced by society norms, expectations which then drag in comparison and judgment. The tide has definitely started to turn with Esoteric Women’s Health, where more women are now beginning to re-discover their most delicate, exquisite living stillness that is always there within, and this most definitely re-unites women rather than separates as what comparison and judgment does.
It takes some women awhile to realize that their fellow sisters are worth having as friends rather than foes – In the past women were often the most critical of each other as they lived within a patriarchal society that was designed to suppress their true natures- they aligned with the views of the church and a male dominated view of how a woman should be, which kept them separated in many ways. I know of a supposedly more ‘enlightened’ organisation where hundreds of women gather and the barriers of not being open to each other and the level of comparison is still hindering the real love these women could all be sharing. I suspect we all need to remove the ‘logs out of our eyes’ and truly see how beautiful we all are and drop our guards with each other. I have shared groups with women in the past and discovered that when we all trust each other and do craft together a natural emanating love fills the air – the children respond and behave lovingly with each other and we all would go home feeling still, and nurtured by the experience. Some women still need to be reminded they can drop their guard so they can realize what we can have when we are all open to each other. Love happens naturally then.
Unless we address our low self worth we may not stop looking for outside images to use them to point us to who we are. Who we are is inside yet we spend so much time looking outside.
This is a great blog and it really turns the tables on women, not in a negative way but in a way that asks… have we created all of this in the first place through playing out these various roles? Very few ask these questions or delve deper in to what is really going on, it is like we have all been playing along with it. No one has made women into these roles, we have chosen for it to be this way. You ask some great questions. The answers lay within every woman.
Hi CK, your blog has inspired reflection on the perceptions each person holds and particularly women on what is happening around them. I am pondering how the perceptions we hold in the way we interpret what is happening around us, informs the reality of what we experience. At the core of our being we are all the same – men, women, children and the opportunity is there in every moment to connect with the other from that space – free from all our perceptions, ideals & belief that have been created by what is not true. Great blog – thanks for sharing.
Keep wearing heels and jeans wherever you go C.K. What matters is you take all of you with you and when you do your loveliness will knock them over when you walk in the door. The only dress code to abide by is the one that we lovingly dress ourselves in garments that truly reflect who we are and how we feel. Enjoy experimenting with fabrics and everything else that supports your radiance.
The images of women 50+ years ago was to stay at home and tend to the house and the children. Then we were supposedly released from that image to the point that any behaviour is acceptable. As women, we are all responsible for the image of women because we have added to it in our own lives either by joining in, or sitting back and not speaking out. Returning to our gentle nurturing selves will give a true reflection for women to see, and we can all return to our natural way of being women whatever we do.
You raise some great questions here CK. However I feel that women are very critical and judgmental of one another precisely because they have taken on the inherited attitudes and beliefs as to the roles women should play and the traditional skills they should have. Yes you are right – women can be very scathing of one another as comparison and jealousy is the way most women react to others in the lack of self worth they carry. This type of extreme example I have not encountered too much in my life, when I have however I have been able to understand where it comes from. On the other hand I have known many women who are truly supportive and gorgeous with their time. In raising awareness that comparison and jealousy is what we do and why we do it, it will go a long way in supporting women in appreciating themselves for what they bring and lessen the hardening and the protective wall we put up around us.
This is a truly thought provoking blog, with more than a little for us as women to ponder! I wouldn’t like to blame one party of the other, for perhaps equal blame sits with us as women and men on how we treat each other as is mentioned above in comment by kevmchardy. Thank you C.K.
We really need to be supporting each other instead of cutting each other down at the slightest opportunity. We see each other as competition, for what I will never know. As women we should be inspiring each other and seeing the amazing women we are in each other and supporting each other in all that we do.
Yes I agree with you C.K, it is up to us as women to reclaim who we are from the inside, and be a true role model for those around us, including the media. There is a lot for us to undo, after accepting these roles, expectations and ideals for so long, but it is worth the effort, otherwise we all just continue to play the same game endlessly.
I like your angle C.K although we are all to blame for the state of things and nothing will change until we all take responsibility for this fact, but by all means let women lead the way.
That makes a lot of sense, I think for so long as women we just blame the men for the state of how we are treated. This blog brings a different perspective, but it is important NOT to just go and blame women, as this is just ‘same same, but different’. Instead we all need to take responsibility, as you say
Some superb observations and questions to pose C.K thank you. We do tend to pile on the self made expectations not only for ourselves but for other women too and then scorn everyone when we cannot live up to them. I have been truly challenged by the proposition that I am not what I do and discovering myself underneath all the doing and ideals has taken years to do and am still doing. Women are very key roles models for all of society, even when we are not mothers, people are still be influenced by how we conduct and express ourselves. Discovering our true natures and expressing all our glorious nurturing qualities is pure gold and I thank all the women who live and reflect this true way of being, so that we may re-orientate ourselves back to our true female expression.
Very true Rowena, ‘Discovering our true natures and expressing all our glorious nurturing qualities is pure gold’, our true qualities such as tenderness, stillness and nurturing are so needed in society and are such a lovely way for women to be together, rather than being together and gossiping about each other and putting other women down as i often hear and observe, this feels disconnected and against love and unity.
Gosh I love the power of questions posed. An invitation to ponder and consider our part in all that is in the world. In this instance the ‘positioning’ and view of women. I am definitely putting my hand up to say I have been part of the harsh critical panel that has judged and diminished women and mostly from my own relationship with me. All that is changing as I afford myself the grace to appreciate the power of my delicacy, sweetness and love of people. Rather than trying to force the world to change through firmly held beliefs and opinions (the feminist movement) I am witnessing incredible transformations as I interact with the world gently and nurturingly so.
Beautifully put to us matildaclark. THAT is the true Movement – where we appreciate ourselves, our delicacy, sweetness, wisdom and sensitivity. This is where the power to change things sits.
I still find it incredible the effects my relationship with myself have on everyone and everything around me. If I am gentle, loving and nurturing with myself this will carry through in all that I do. If I berate myself, am hard and controlling this equally will be felt and passed on. It brings responsibility in all that we do to a whole new level.
Agreed Jenny, it is the thing women are made to feel guilty for…put your children before yourself…yet if we do that it builds resentment and a lack of worth outside your role as a mother. To care for ourselves first is actually essential for supporting our children, it teaches them how to support themselves through life in order to be able to support others in whatever capacity that is.
I love what you and Lucy share here Jenny, the importance of the primary relationship with ourselves and how this affects all our relationships with others. And contrary to what we’ve been told, this is essential for our children to feel and witness so they learn to do the same for themselves, rather than a woman being the martyred mum who has to put them first (to value herself) while being more and more exhausted. Looking around our societies today we can see that this way of women being with their kids simply does not work and breeds irresponsible human beings.
I love this martildaclark – “All that is changing as I afford myself the grace to appreciate the power of my delicacy, sweetness and love of people”. Grace is so powerful in allowing us to make changes in our lives. It gives us the opportunity to be gentle with ourselves in our choices and accept who and where we are in life as a result of these choices. With this deep acceptance of ourselves, we can allow and accept others in their choices too. In this acceptance there is no room for judgement of each other.
“How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?” – that is what I encountered when I moved back to live where I was born. I knew it was not going to be easy being 40+, single, never married, no children, and no social/career status to let me off the hook either – everyone (men and women) I met couldn’t figure me out based on the traditional/societal values they subscribed to. After a while, I realised that I was in reaction to their reaction and had actually shrunk myself to fit into a “40+, single, never married, no children, no social/career status to let me off the hook either – therefore no good enough” case. See, I was wanting a validation which they were not quite ready to give. Then again, what can I expect when connecting to the true essence of who we are and being that was never taught, nor encouraged? So, I decided to just do that myself – connect to the true essence of who I am and be that the bestest I could – and it seems to work. I am still “40+, single, never married, no children, no social/career status to let me off the hook either” – but somehow I know I am awesome, because that’s how I feel. No longer waiting for the others to do that or even agree with me.
I really enjoyed reading this Fumiyo, and you take yourself very lightly considering the situation cannot have been easy but what freedom to be connected to your essence, more important than anything that can come from outside. Great that as long as you have that it doesn’t matter whether anyone even agrees with you!
It is so cool that you had the awareness to realise that you were in reaction to their reaction. How wonderful! And how truly freeing it is to let go of these shackles that have held us down and realise it does not matter what anyone else thinks or to need anyone else to accept us? When we know we are awesome, it allows others to be awesome too. Thank you for your sharing Fumiyo.
Very strong article CK. I remember a conversation many years ago about the power women have through choosing a partner…in essence women choose which behaviours they will endorse in men and thus perpetuate in their children. Of course, men have the same responsibility for their choices.
Women are often their own worst enemies with jealousy, comparison and competiveness. Women have created a pretty horrible situation for themselves and its multi-generational. Generally speaking I find men are far more honest and will say it how it is and to whoever it concerns on the other hand women tend to backstab, lie and manipulate situations. We can’t blame men for this situation we as woman have created it and it is our responsibility the make the choice to re-claim our true essence as woman and live from our hearts by healing our hurts, process the pictures ideals and beliefs we have created growing up as to what it is to be a woman. We can learn to truly love and nurture ourselves as the beautiful woman we all truly are feel full inside therefore no longer feel the need to fill our emptiness within from outside of us.
This is great CK. It is time for us as women to look deeper at our own part in the equation of how a woman is perceived today. We have definitely had a big hand in this and have been happy to give our power away in the process but then cry ‘vicitm’ when we don’t like the end result.
It’s true CK, women have set the standards of how women should be and then point the finger when we don’t meet them. Crazy really! For example when we try to be ‘everything to everyone’ we then get resentful when we can’t meet that demand – the demand we have put upon ourselves that then comes back to us to try and fullfill.
C.K. this is such a great question. How do we see ourselves and what perceptions do we place on who we are and how we should be? When we begin to consider that we are more than the roles that we project onto ourselves and each other we discover that who we truly are within is not determined by the roles we do and play. That within we are equally and naturally divine already. That there is nothing to do to achieve this as it already just is. And from this place there is competition, jealousy or comparison just a unique expression of love that simply offers a reflection that we all are, and hold within, the same equal love to be cherished and celebrated.
Judgement, comparison and jealousy that is what came to mind of the other women when you described the shop scenario … none of them nice traits, in fact quite insidious and as you have shared feed the ill perceptions we hold of women. What if all the women in that store were willing to instead of looking outside themselves and judge/critise another look within and start to heal/address the disharmony and yukky things they were feeling? Now that would be amazing and it really makes me appreciate the Woman’s Groups held in both London and Australia were a whole room of women are willing to do this and be supported by other women sharing stories, behaviours ill ideals and beliefs that are held. I love what you wrote here ‘haven’t given much time to these ideals, and instead just focused on pursuing and shaping the life that I wanted to lead and live as a woman.’ It makes no room for all this other nonsense .. and I hope you did it with make-up heels and feeling great about yourself 💕😄
“it is actually women who are putting the most pressure, women who are setting the standards of ‘what a woman should be’, and it is women who judge and criticise other women for not living up to the ‘basics’ of being a woman”. I so agree with this statement, CK. I have experienced such amazing judgmentalism from other women who feel they know how women should all be. As if we should fit into a mould of what THEY KNOW is how we should be. How crazy it is for we women to be with each other in this way. They are judging purely from the outside, not feeling how we truly are within, our gorgeous true selves. It is no wonder that I did not like young girls and women when I was in my teenage years and twenties. So many of them were so ‘catty’ and ‘back-stabbing’, constantly talking about other women, I just hated it and innately knew this was not how women should be living. But I did not know how to do anything about it, and contracted myself so badly, I almost disappeared from view.
I definitely relate to this Beverley. Often I find it a lot easier to be friends with guys rather than girls at school because of the constant ‘bitching’ and ‘backstabbing’ that takes place in female friendship groups. In my experience women can be a lot more vicious and manipulative than men can be, and lying and judging to get our way is very sinister. So yes we absolutely need to address the fact that the image of women has indeed been created and fuelled by women themselves – if we want to change it, we need to stop pointing the finger and start evaluating our own actions and behaviour.
‘it is actually women who are putting the most pressure, women who are setting the standards of ‘what a woman should be’, and it is women who judge and criticise other women for not living up to the ‘basics’ of being a woman.’
CK you have nailed it. And I also feel that the changes we will see in the world can only come from us the Women. It is us that have the power to turn the tide.
I absolutely agree kathrynfortuna that it is women that have the “power to turn the tide”, so it is up to us to make the choice to make the much needed changes, but to do so we must begin to make the change within ourselves first.
Correct Kathryn. We hold the cards in this case; we are definitely the ones putting the most pressure, therefore we are the ones who can take this pressure OFF and start making changes – or ‘turning the tide’ as you say.
I love this too kathrynfortuna – “It is us {as women} that have the power to turn the tide”. The cycle of judgement and criticism of each other is over – this tide is on the way out. In comes the tide of true love, honouring and appreciation and we, as Women, can be and are the ones to initiate that pull.
Thank you CK for bringing this up for discussion – it is really interesting to feel the perpetuation of stereotypes and ideals by women ourselves. It is the fight with comparison that allows us to hold onto these skills as making us worthy. If we have them, it is something we can say we have accomplished, and therefore are validated in who we are. This then allows us to compare ourselves to others, and feel better about ourselves. The cloud of illusion herein though is thick, as we know deep down our skills and accomplishments are not actually who we are. Learning more about myself as a woman, and the qualities I hold – such as delicateness, deep tenderness and a warmth that radiates to hold others around me – has been key. We all carry these innate qualities and it is these that make us who we are, not the skills we carry or do. This then means there can be no comparison, as we are all the same innately. What differs is our expression of these qualities, and this is magical to see when appreciating the women around me.
Yes, Amelia, I agree with you. We as women are not what we do or accomplish. We are by nature divine beings that hold and emanate qualities as tenderness, delicateness, sacredness and nurturing energy. In accepting this and appreciating this in ourselves comparison leaves and appreciating and celebrating every woman for her unique expression takes its place.
“Learning more about myself as a woman, and the qualities I hold – such as delicateness, deep tenderness and a warmth that radiates to hold others around me – has been key. We all carry these innate qualities and it is these that make us who we are, not the skills we carry or do” – agree, and so well said Amelia. This is a super note that would do well being pinned in offices to remind us at work, or when we move jobs/change careers. Our innateness is our true skill. Exercising this founds our true worth and value at work, and in life itself.
Zofia, your comment is timely as I start my new job today. I have found myself in flux preparing between feeling my innateness and being heady with the enormous amount of information that has exploded in my direction. Today I am glad to say that the knowing of what I bring, my connection to myself is all that is needed. The rest I know will work itself out.
Yes Zofia wouldn’t that be great to have this quote pinned on office notice boards as a support to help us stay connected to what is real within us as women, our innate qualities. We need the constant reminder to stop and re-connect, at least at first. In fact more than that regular supportive women’s groups run in-house for female office staff could really support real change for women.
For men the bravado and the judgment and huff and puff is quite superficial – when that is broken through which is easily done when you express tenderly to another man, then it melts away and the lovely, sensitive essence of the man is there ready to express. I am amazed how easily this has occurred, even with the toughest looking/acting of men. I have also noted with women, there are layers to the judgement and it is more complex to break through and more depth to the mistrust. It feels like, you need to keep proving yourself over and over and one little slip, your judged and it can be held on to. I’m not saying this with all woman and those closest to me, much less so, yet I see that to be a woman relating to another with all these layers going on would be quite a challenge.
I love your comment, Simon. So true and yes, very challenging! It’s a bit like shifting sands, you can feel safe and then everything suddenly changes with a judgment, which may only be a raise of an eyebrow, or a glance at another person. I know for myself I have many layers of protection (maybe a few less now, but they are still there). I feel as women we can read more into situations and raised eyebrows than we need to and this comes from a lack of self worth. We are actually looking for all the signs to validate that yes, once again, we’ve failed. It’s crazy.
You raise some very thought provoking questions, CK. Like you, I don’t feel I was very influenced by ‘fashion’ in magazines, or how women were looking, I’ve always been drawn to a more ‘natural look’. However, the concept of ‘looking good’, as a women, whatever that means to you, is something that was pretty hard wired into me. There is something quite primal and instinctive in this, you’re not going to lure a mate unless you have the prettiest tail feathers, so to speak.
‘How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?’
I feel that this question absolutely sums up why, when I first discovered Universal Medicine, I had such a hard time understanding the whole concept of ‘loving myself’, caring for myself, treasuring myself …… did I really deserve all this.
For me, this goes to show how far away from ‘me’ I’d allowed myself to be taken, swept up in all the false-ness around how I should be, as a woman.
From our babyhood through our childhood, teenage years and beyond we have taken on beliefs and ideals about what is right, what is sexy, what is kind and all the other ideas about what a woman should or shouldn’t be. It is a slow process to untangle all these and to find our way back to who we are without them. Thank you C.K. for bringing your awareness to this topic.
Great article CK. What you observe is so very true, us women can be each other’s worst enemies by the unloving and hurtful way we can respond to one another. And it is the honouring of ourselves, each other and ultimately the depth of love lived in this way that shows everyone that we are all more than the petty comparisons and judgements, that there is a different and far grander way. We are each responsible for bringing about the loving change that we so want in the world.
It’s important to appreciate that, as women, we have enormous power, when we are together in unity, lovingly supporting, and learning from each other, imagine the impact this would have on humanity. However, when we focus on self and allow in the jealously and comparison, we separate. The change in us individually is dramatic, like night and day, collectively the impact on the rest of the world is catastrophic.
From your comment, Alison it’s easy to feel the difference between the two examples. The effect on the world is catastrophic when we allow jealousy and comparison in. Let’s be honest it is rife and endemic everywhere. What if this wasn’t there and unity and support took its place? That would be a massive shift in the way we all would live.
I totally agree Alison – women united in their innate sacredness and love will bring true healing power to this world – when women act small and compare themselves to other women they diminish their own light and all others.
Absolutely rachelmurtagh1, what if unity took its place …the deep sadness that we feel when we are in jealousy and comparison with one another would no longer be something we need to hold in our bodies and live with from day to day.
Love your comment, Golnaz, especially “And it is the honouring of ourselves, each other and ultimately the depth of love lived in this way that shows everyone that we are all more than the petty comparisons and judgements, that there is a different and far grander way”. Absolutely beautifully expressed.
Beautiful …. this is how we can start to eliminate all the insidious jealousy and comparison that is separating and crippling us … by example. By showing ourselves and allowing the rest of humanity to feel that we are more than the way we look or what we do …. we are so much more. It is so simple too, ‘ the honouring of ourselves and each other’. Allowing ourselves to appreciate and treasure our exquisiteness and to bring this to all that we do. The more we surrender and let ourselves ‘be’ in our unique expression and lovingly hold others in their expression, there will be a glorious magnetic pull towards this, not so new, but forgotten, way of being.
Beautifully expressed Golnaz — every single one of us is so powerful when we are truly honouring of who we are
What you say is so true Golnaz; “women can be each other’s worst enemies”, but I have been learning and appreciating that when we stop the comparison and the judgement of each other we can be each other’s greatest supporters, and through the developing of this loving support will come the change that is so desperately needed in the world.
Like CK, I never felt I had ‘the basics’ of what a women should be. With me it was communication, as i stood at the school gate waiting for my children it was as if all the other mums were speaking a foreign language. 40 years later I now have an appreciation for the different ways women express themselves, value and appreciate my own expression equally.
Beautifully said Golnaz. Honouring ourselves as women is so important! When we listen to and honour what we feel in each moment, we are developing a deep and loving awareness of ourselves. Through this, we build a foundation where we can appreciate ourselves and what we uniquely bring to the world. From this, we can appreciate what other women bring to the world and in this appreciation of ourselves and each other, there is an understanding of the beautiful tapestry where everyone and every piece is required to make it complete. From living in this fullness, there can be no space for comparisons or judgements to sneak in, or if they do, they stand out like a sore thumb and ouch! they hurt like one too.
When women are connected to their essence, the power within that stillness is so exquisite and all encompassing, everyone feels that pure love in action as it weaves its way into our hearts and bodies when we let it in and not judge or put it down.
Pure love ‘weaving its way into our hearts and bodies’ – what an exquisite and transformative thing to allow.
Very well said Julie, and it is this that is quashed by us women creating a lie that we then live in, creating the perception that it’s what we do or don’t do that gives us our worth and not who we are.
It seems to always boil down to that doesn’t it – “what we do or don’t do that gives us our worth and not who we are.” By being on the journey to connecting who we truly are and living from this, others may feel inspired to look at themselves from that too, who they truly are instead defining themselves by what they do.
You pose a great question CK when you ask about how we value and appreciate ourselves? I been asked to stop at this moment in time, which means to stop everything I am doing and really feel what is going on within my life. What patterns are there, what feeling do I have, how does my body really feel and what is true for me are some of the things I am sitting with? In this it will be great to look at what I value about myself and as you say to base this on nothing that I do.
After I read your post, Sally, I started to ponder on what I value about myself and it’s very interesting to feel how much of what I value IS actually tied in to what I do. Whilst I may appreciate a certain quality that I have, I relate it back to being evident in something that I do. It’s as though the sheer appreciation of me, my unique expression, is not enough. I’m interested to feel what else will come up as I allow myself to sit with this.
I too love this Sally as it allows us to connect to the true depths of who we are as women and the natural qualities that we hold within, knowing that these are the same in each and every woman. We have played for too long outside of ourselves, focused on the superficial, and avoiding the true depth and wisdom that we are here to share and hold for all.
When I read what you have written Marcia, I feel it strongly resonate through my body and it makes me question why do I as a woman still choose to play in the shallows, rather than fully commit to the true depth and wisdom that I carry within. There is some more contemplation and observation required here for me.
CK you rise a great point in questioning is it us as women who hold the key to what the image of a woman is. For me it’s a resounding yes that the power of women lies is in living the qualities we hold within us that has nothing to do with what we do!
That stood out for me too Sharon, it is up to us to define ourselves as the woman we know ourselves to be – from the qualities we hold within. When we can claim ourselves by this, we become the true role models for girls and women, and naturally reject the impositions, assumptions and judgments from the outside.
I totally agree, women have been beating themselves up for years, centuries, lifetimes, for not meeting up to all the expectations WE put on ourselves. It’s time for a new, loving, foundation for all women and for us to redefine ourselves as the tender, gorgeous women that we know ourselves to be. As you share, the more we claim ourselves, from our exquisite essence, we will be living examples and role models for other women, inspiring them to look at how they are living and to know that there is another way.
Very true CK, we have to assume responsibility for our part in it, but we also have to be aware that the media and society in general is structured in a way that is blinding women of this truth and that even though there is a clear choice this choice is very difficult to read when women are not inspired to live truly from their body and not off their body as a desirable object or consumer good. I always considered myself as a very independent and liberated women who was questioning the system and also the whole feminist movement for not embracing their femininity and drifting away from being truly women, the male energy, the hardness, the fighting felt never true to me, but I actually did not know where to look and where to connect to to find the missing link. When I came across Universal Medicine this missing link was gone and I found truth and from there truth unfolded in all areas in my life. Suddenly I was able to see and truly understand. Esoteric Women’s Health is amazing in presenting on women’s truth and for me it is our responsibility to be true role models in life to inspire other women to connect to their truth too.
I was far from the mainstream among men as well but I have been amazed how many and varied judgments I held. They were different but they were judgments just as well and they didn’t make me live any better than the judgments of other people let them live.
I agree rachelandras, once we aware of what is really going on in the world, YES it is our responsibility to choose. But, when everything in media and society is there to keep us blind as women and as people, the only choice it feels like you have is between lots of different versions of the same thing – identities to fit in and get by in the world. I appreciate the lessons of Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health too for teaching that there is nothing you can identify with “out there” – everything you need to know is within, for it is who you are.
Rachel, I agree with you. As women, we do have a responsibility to shape the image of what it is to be a woman. We also have to recognise that the world out there is shaped and orchestrated to create confusion, competition, comparison amongst women and lack of self belief. It was bad enough when I was a young woman, today it’s even more bewildering and difficult to find your true self when women are inundated with so many conflicting messages. How does one weave a clear path through the overwhelm of sexually driven images of women, in print, film, music videos, on-line and find a steady still place within. Not easy. Without the support of Universal Medicine and esoteric women’s groups, I too would still be looking for that missing link.
I completely agree about the blinding lies and deceit in the media but that is only because we have allowed it – so the responsibility always comes back to us. I also completely agree that my eyes have been opened through the grace of Serge Benhayon, Natalie Benhayon and Universal Medicine – but again I have to include in that my choice to listen and open my eyes. The Ageless Wisdom has always been there presenting the truth. Currently that is becoming more widely available than ever before – but as always it is our choice if we want to live it our not – This month’s Unimed Living free audio of the month: http://www.unimedliving.com/voice/audio-of-the-month/the-deepest-form-of-prison-2015-09.html talks about the consequences of our choices.
I so agree with you Rachel every-one who has been privy to the teachings of Esoteric Women’s Health has a responsibility to be role models for other women and women notice detail. I get inspired when I see a woman has made the space to paint her finger nails with care and precision choosing a polish that is just right for her on that day. Her whole hand emanates a delicate nurturing quality and it makes me want to take care of my finger nails and hands. All these small things matter and what is most important is the quality of the energy that any thing is done in.
Thank you C.K. I have definitely been on the receiving end of many of the attitudes and feelings you describe . I have equally been the one to scorn, scoff, show disdain, be bitchy, cold. I agree so much with your comment..” It feels to me like there isn’t enough love felt for ourselves first and so to combat that feeling of missing something, we compare ourselves to other women in the hope that there is something we are better than another in.” Thank fully, as I heal my lack of self worth and appreciate and love myself more, I am more able to be loving, and supportive towards others.
The responsibility lies with each and every one of us to deal with our hurts to be able to mature. By understanding ourselves and our true nature to love and live lovingly, we can truly nurture others, thereby creating a different future for our society than the one we currently have.
Hi Michelle, I found your expression in reference to ‘self worth’ jump out at me whle reading your comment – and I wonder whether that perhaps this is it – the thorn in the foot so to speak. I sense that the ‘self worth’ issue could possibly be the reason as to why the female of our species can be so obviously very nasty on occasions – could it be as simple as that. Could it be ‘lack of self worth’ that results in these less than loving displays usually meted out on other girls or women in whatever form they are projected. What an amazing platform to be aware of, if one was experiencing ‘lack of self worth’ then this awareness could be lovingly nurtured and developed thus disseminating the need for the ‘female of the species’ to appear to be so venemous or reactive on occasions, and knowing that this nasty attribute is not who any of us truly are at our core – we are intrinsically Love – so one must ask, who or what is in charge of us, who or what is pulling the strings to cause such a behaviour. Hmmmmm. much to ponder on.
I love what you have written here Roberta Himing.
I really like the questions you are raising here! Isn´t it always easier go into passive state, being a victim of others instead of taking own responsibility of the ideals and the immense pressure we put on ourselves in the first place. Women must need to be very honest here. How much are these beliefs ingrained already how to be as women and what we should be able to do and to handle in today´s society.
And I get a sense that when we allow ourselves to be in this passive receipt of the ideals and pressure we are interminably exhausting ourselves as we quash the totally natural expressions we have as women – to honour, cherish, nurture, appreciate and take care of ourselves and everyone we come into contact with.
When I look at my gorgeous 5 year old daughter and watch her innate sweetness, commitment to life and natural desire to share her love and affection I am reminded of my own essence. It is truly a blessing to have this child in my life as she reminds me every day of my own sweetness and desire to express love. I am reminded very much of my own 5 year old self and know that same expression is in there still and is ready to come bubbling out again – very natural with no ideals or hardening to quash it away.
If we as women would accept our true and enormous power we surely would not choose to go into the state of being a victim. So why are we not willing to take responsibility? C.K. you have shared a few very important examples of how we, women, keep each other small. And it is each and every individual’s responsibility to stop this unloving behavior towards our self and others.
You are so right CK. We are the first to complain and blame men for how we are treated. But how do we treat ourselves? Not too well. and as for treating other women, we compare and get jealous. Taking self-responsibility, reclaiming our natural love and preciousness, then we can be true role models for our sons and daughters. If we felt good about ourselves we would have no need to put others down.
I do very much agree, we are very hard with ourselves and with others, and especially with other women. We have lost touch with being together, amongst women, without comparing and judgement and often meet with a caution and hardness that keeps us apart or at least at arm’s length. There is much to reconnect to for us women to just being together and truly enjoying and deeply caring for each other.
This is a big exposure that all of society must hear. That woman in truth are responsible for claiming who they are first before what they do and that they are glorious for their sacredness and beauty within before any beauty on the outside. The drive to be equal to men has come from being equal in what one does but is this not already accepting less than what a woman truly is if she is far more that what she could ever do or say or think but the love she is deep inside her?
Great points Doug – and also very interesting to hear from a man’s perspective.
This is a great blog CK. Really getting us, being women, to question what we have really set up and what do we continue to feed. It is so easy to blame the media and men for putting so much pressure on how women should be but in truth it is women who put the greatest pressure on themselves. I remember being at an event where this woman was very beautiful but did not fit the ideals of what I thought men where looking for, yet, she was so confident and gorgeous with herself that the men adored her. I remember thinking then that we had it all wrong, men love women who love and are comfortable with themselves regardless of how they look, as you so simply put out it is women who put the greatest pressure on women, but there is another way and thanks to Esoteric Women’s Health, women are returning to their real selves and embracing sisterhood, a true way forward for women.
We as women not just self impose these roles on ourselves but are great at sharing this imposition with other women, through the disapproving looks etc. Through our own lack of self worth we create roles we know we can fill and use to compare and judge ourselves to be worthwhile or lets be honest more worthwhile than the woman standing next to us. Women spend more time checking out other women than they do spend checking out men. It is like there is a constant unspoken but very vicious war going on between women, and the ammunition is ideals, beliefs and roles. Re-connecting to our self worth is the only way bring an end to this war.
One thing I have learned to be true from Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health is that all roads lead to self-responsibility and self-love. The other is that everything that comes to us is a reflection of how we with ourselves and how we live. Certainly your blog once again confirms these very empowering principles CK.
Gorgeous and insight full article, thank you. If we created this mess we can surely call out the ‘what is not’ and begin to express and be the truth we know we are in essence. Deeply caring, nurturing, and loving. We are naturally so supportive by nature, why do we hide this and hold back? Time to live the truth of who we really are and break the shakles of the past.
I have never really allowed myself to see that the objectification of women comes from women themselves but this makes sense… if we all stood up and said no to this it would not happen. Instead we compete with each other and cause great harm in the process. The great thing about this is the fact that if we got ourselves into this mess we can also get ourselves out of it.
Great questions you raise C.K, one’s for every woman to ask herself. For me I know that what ever it is I may do in the world it is only ever going to shine by the light I bring to it, and although I can have moments (sometimes, many) where doubt creeps in, the truth forever awaits for me to return to.
C.K. you have got it absolutely right. It is not the men asking us to be anything, it is us. This is so true and this is a great conversation – one that runs deep. I have played this game of making myself something to fit into a group of people and then judged others outside of the look or way of living as not having it. This is talking about the roles and the masks we hide behind.. the example of you in the fabric store, not being the picture of the woman that usually frequents the store, asking for help, your mask in her eyes would be ‘girly girl.. ooh don’t break a nail picking up the fabric’. Her mask may have been tough woman, hardy, can do anything – who knows, but the point is there are a lot of ways we have segregated ourselves as women and then judge each other if we are of a different segregation. We use what we do to identify ourselves rather than just seeing each other and ourselves for who we are, meeting on a woman to woman level, every woman as your sister, knowing deep down all we want is to be seen for who we really are and loved in it.. why wouldn’t we give each other this? Very interesting to look at.
These are interesting points to ponder. As a woman yes I would agree that I have been my harshest critic. Comparison between women is a huge issue, it is so ingrained that majority of the time we don’t even realise we are doing it. I once tried to notice the amount of times in a day I was doing this and the more you clock it the more you start to see the deeper ingrained ones you hadn’t realised before.
“if you are a woman and you can’t cook, can’t sew, can’t iron, couldn’t clean or don’t or can’t have kids, then who are you?’ This has honestly been my belief system that I took on growing up with a European background. So much importance was placed on these abilities to ‘find’ a man worthy of your love.
Visiting Greece at present these values are still so entrenched. Only since meeting and attending workshops from Serge and Natalie Benhayon have I learnt the above belief not to be true, and a more loving, honouring way of connecting to the woman within has developed as my foundation.
Phew, men, we are off the hook… No just kidding! But seriously, of course woman are holding themselves back and of course men also are holding themselves back. We are all equally divine and no one is responsible for placing barriers in our way other than ourselves. Thank you CK and many others commenting as it needs to be stated with as much different expression as possible.
What interesting points you make and questions you pose. Presented so clearly, it is easy to see how as women we can play the victim in one situation yet be the victor in the next, both parallel and both equally abusive. It is definitely worth pondering on our responsibility on what we create around us.
Indeed CK when we truly address the eye contact, the body language, the energy that plays out from woman to woman it is no wonder that many of us react in our early years to counter this attack. I for one chose to become very androgynous as being a girl in a boys clothes felt like a safety net where i was hidden from the back biting of both sexes! Introducing self love into my day was a game changer – this steady self awareness has built a solid foundation that is today far less rocked by incidences such as these.
It’s interesting that such old fashioned ideals should still be prevalent today. Sewing is a skill that is a long outdated expectation of women, and ready meals have taken care of the fact that women don’t really need to know how to cook. As women we are more present and active in the work place than we have ever been, so how is it that these beliefs and ideals about how women should be are still alive?
I agree, these old traditions and beliefs are still playing out in modern everyday lives, where the skills are rendered useless but we still are judged by them.
I know that when I meet a beautiful woman I can either go into comparison and make myself feel less or I can be inspired. The same goes for women who are ‘doing’ a lot – sometimes my whole identity is tied up in what I do, what job I have, and what I feel I ‘should’ be doing. This image or ideal only serves to make me feel less because it is always set above where I am actually at. Appreciating who we are and accepting what we can or cannot do is crucial to our wellbeing.
D: this was so well written C.K. You make a very excellent point. we are our own worst critics. We judge, demoralise, debase, diminish ourselves and each other more often then I can count. I know I am constantly trying to live up to an ideal I have of what a women is… usually around what I look like. I have noticed that I am the one who puts this restraint on me though. Also, I too have found it harder on many occasions to be in the presence of women as we are far more judgemental, jealous and comparing of each other at times.
Each time I step out of the door, each person I meet, each phone conversation, text or email sent creates an image of the type of woman I am. This is our responsibility to be life affirming, open, joyous, purposeful women, fully accepting and loving ourselves and supporting our sisters and our brothers.
Beautifully expressed thank you Kehinde. It absolutely and unequivocally starts with us.
These are very interesting questions to ponder that you raise CK and for men there are complimentary ones. True power always lies with the victim and not the bully.
I love this sentence “So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” Simply reading these words takes the pressure off me! We as women place an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves in an attempt to not be seen as a failure and in doing so we create scenario after scenario to prevent us being who we truly are; we must use an enormous amount of energy trying to live up to these ideals and beliefs that we have simply taken on. I can certainly relate to this but I have a responsibility to be a role model and that is to honour me and the qualities I bring first and foremost in everything I do. Thank you CK for sharing a great blog as there is much to ponder on from reading it.
Thank you CK, an interesting question you pose. I feel we all have a part to play in images created of women in the world. Certainly, I have judged women in the past and have been judged by them in return. I accept fully my responsibility to break stereotypes of what it is to be woman and challenge prevailing and derogatory impressions of women wherever I am, I’m thankful to the Esoteric Women’s Group presentations for the new level of awareness I now have. By loving and supporting myself, I’m more able to offer the same where-ever I am, to women and men.
Great blog CK you have really exposed something big here. The phrase ” with friends like these who needs enemies?” sprang to my mind when reading this. Could it be that women are so divided that they are therefore easily suppressed? Men definitely need to take full responsibility for the way they treat and perceive women yes, but imagine if women were truly united and dropped all the comparison and competition with each other…the world would look very different I reckon.
What a powerful observation C.K. I as a man have always been confused about the workings of women. To find that there has always been this secret unspoken constant hazing going on with all women holding a ruler up with just a look! I can’t imagine the weight that women must have to carry around forever ready to contract from ‘just a look’. Thank you C.K. for exposing something that has been known but not exposed. The Light always makes things that were hidden… seem less.
Great point you make here CK, to truly evolve and to get ourselves out of the mess we currently as women need to look at what ideals and beliefs we have fallen for regarding how we feel other women should be. What you describe above is unfortunately very common- women demeaning other women when yet at heart our true nature is to support and love one and other. It is through not dealing with our hurts that we can judge and critise each other, it is therefor so important to deal and heal these hurts so we can truly support each other and re-ignite true sisterhood.
Great post, CK, about a topic that is not so much talked about. The word that came to me when reading was jealousy. Jealousy among women, – I feel there’s more of that than we admit. It’s a fact that many women dress up and put on their make-up for other women first, before men and before themselves. It’s like there’s a need to pull others down to feel good, like in your example, instead of admiring each other, being inspired and share a love that pulls each other up. It’s time to talk about this and remind each other how amazing we are instead of comparing with one another.
This is unfortunately spot on CK to what women come across often in society. How women talk about or look at each other can be awful and vicious. I have been on this bandwagon when feeling inadequate and lost.
There is so much comparison with the list of womanly jobs that you mention CK which I feel comes from trying to climb some imaginary ladder of what it means to be a ‘real’ woman. BUT this is definitely not our natural way of being with women, I can say this because I am blessed to work with many women in groups that genuinely care, honour and appreciate each other and are inspiring role models in my life.
We can be our own worst enemy when we allow ourselves to be affected by what we think others are thinking about us. When we learn to accept and appreciate ourselves for who we are it is what we feel about ourselves that is the key.
I agree Jane. A society led by by the true qualities that lie in all women would be amazingly different to what is us today. And there would still be plenty of sewing, cooking and cleaning happening — but with LOVE underpinning everything and not the pressure and stresses that characterise our world today.
It’s very sad to see how women compete and put each other down, when what is so gets possible and indeed very natural, is for women to support and inspire each other to shine. Women together in truth and harmony can be exquisite and hugely inspiring, women who are jealous and uneasy of themselves and each other leaves a ripple effect that is so harsh and damaging to far more people than we would care to admit.
I grew up in the era of feminism,,,sisters doing it for themselves and so forth. The intense fight for equality of the 70’s had passed as I entered my teens. The 80’s were more about climbing the corporate ladder, looking glamorous and being great in bed. Therein lay our liberation. The superwoman was in the ascendant. Women complained a lot about men reducing them to objects and sexualising them. There was a lot of talk about the demands men placed on women to look a certain way. Yet I rarely noticed men condemning women for an outfit or for being overweight…but I very often saw women getting up to this sort of disparaging talk either openly or behind others backs. Nothing has changed. To this day I have witnessed women cutting each other with looks, or dressing their ‘sisters’ down with a demeaning comment.
This blog is great because it exposes a myth that has gripped us all for too long – that men are the culprits that drive our needs to look a certain way. It is time for us to take responsibility as women to look at the substantial role we have played, and start to do unto each other as we would chose to have done unto ourselves.
I like this blog, because you are essentially saying that no one is bad or wrong or to blame, it is just about personal responsibility and this is something we can all take part in.
I really like this comment Shami and I agree, no-one “is bad or wrong or to blame.” When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, we drop the arrogance of thinking we are right because when we think we are right it means the other must be wrong. I am becoming much more aware of this in my own life as in the past I could only ever see everything in black and white.
Thank C.K. this is a powerful piece of writing. I can feel what you are saying, men and the media can be putting pictures out of how a woman should be but the way we as women are with each other can be far more damaging. In being in a relationship with a loving man and having a very loving dad my own harshness and sometimes complete meanness to myself have been hugely exposed as something I do to myself and not something they do to me. Not to make men saints or anything, we all have the responsibility in this, but I feel women are very hard on themselves and as a consequence with each other. For me what I have to feel in myself is that I am truly beautiful in every way and worth so much love from myself what ever I do. Then I feel this love also for other women and am able to hold them as the same.
Great blog CK it is so easy to blame others and external factors but to actually stop and take full responsibility for the way we are living is much harder! It is very true in my experience that often women ad much more critical of each other and tend to ‘bitch’ about each other more than I hear men do that about other men!! It is crazy really as often we can ask really innocent and normal questions and then get shot down for asking them, so we then retreat back into ourselves and then do not learn and so when the situation comes back up again feel stupid for not knowing how to do it! It makes such a difference when you meet someone who is there simply to help without any judgment or agenda.
I agree Doug it is ‘horrible to be met with judgement when all you wanted was some help with something’. So often we are so quick to give advice, which may come across as judgement because we have not taken the time to really to what the person is trying to say. It is then not our job to fix them but rather offer a reflection of love and give them the space to resolve it themselves, we can support but ultimately if we just go around saying this or that nothing changes as there is no love when judgement comes in.
Women can be our own worse enemy at times, we can be very cruel to one another. It feels to me like there isn’t enough love felt for ourselves first and so to combat that feeling of missing something, we compare ourselves to other women in the hope that there is something we are better than another in. It’s a crazy way to live, it is not natural, it is so definitely learned. And so what has been learned, can be un-learned too.
Definitely Suzanne, “And so what has been learned, can be un-learned too.” How women treat each other by trying to out do each other to make them feel like they have self-worth is definitely not natural. It’s an awful cycle that I knew well, both experiencing the ugly side of comparison and inflicting my own lack of self worth on others. I love what CK has exposed here.
This is really crazy, but true, I have observed this, ‘It feels to me like there isn’t enough love felt for ourselves first and so to combat that feeling of missing something, we compare ourselves to other women in the hope that there is something we are better than another in’, I definitely used to think like this, now that I have more love for myself i also love other men and women much more too and am much less critical and judgemental and do not compare like I used to.
So true Suzanne, and empowering too, that once we see how these awful behaviours came about, we then have a choice to build another way and unlearn the old unnatural things we have picked up from not feeling enough love “for ourselves first.”
What a great conversation to be having! I know that for me (and in being perfectly honest), I can relate to much of what has been shared in this blog, knowing I have been both a conscious and unconscious recipient and imposer of the judgement, comparison and jealousy of other women (ouch!). If we really want things to change, we need to start looking at ourselves first and this is a great start to initiating that process and discussion.
Angela , I can really feel this for me as well and can feel the times when I have put other women down even just in my head. Comparison and jealousy is the killer for women and we all need to own this. When we have a need that we are not meeting ourselves we look outside for a reason and hence maybe we are blaming men and the media for our own downfall! I am learning that it is when I am in my own stillness that I can be me fully and jealousy and comparison are just not there. This is the refection I am for the men in my life to feel and they then don’t need to be any thing but who they truly are.
Absolutely true Angela love your comment. “I can relate to much of what has been shared in this blog, knowing I have been both a conscious and unconscious recipient and imposer of the judgement, comparison and jealousy of other women (ouch!). ”
We do need to start looking at ourselves as woman taking responsibility for what we have created.
Great line CK on being a woman: ” …not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you” – spot on, and if we value ourselves in this way, so too shall we come to not only value but treasure this in another woman.
Absolutely Zofia, I think that’s a really important point – if we don’t appreciate our own true inner qualities then it’s hard to appreciate them in another. And so instead we look to the outside for all the things we can be to make up for the ‘not good enough’ that we think of ourselves. And in this way feed the ill images in the media and ill behaviour from men and other women. I say it’s time to cut the power supply to these harming behaviours and instead direct it to appreciating the beauty that each of can bring to life by truly being ourself.
Really beautifully and powerfully said Fiona.
There is another pretty squirm in our seats uncomfortable possibility with what you raise here C.K. – we make all these demands of how men should see us, value us, etc., (whilst not valuing ourselves for who we are, but by what we do) – but have we ever stopped to also feel our contribution to raising our dear tender men to be so hugely squashed in their natural expression, that the whole set up is guaranteed, and no one is asked to be more. A man devoid of his own naturalness can hardly meet a woman in her gorgeousness, and will not ask her to go deeper in her self worth and lived loveliness and connection. Is it possible that as women we know this and the large part we play in raising future men is to guarantee our comfortable victimhood and transference of the ‘blame’ externally. Raising boys, time and again I have seen women and girls delivering the most harmful of messages to crush the natural loveliness of our growing boy folk. It is women, teachers no less who have delivered lines to my boys like ‘eat concrete and toughen up’, it is girls who say they want a ‘sensitive’ guy, but tend to dump the ‘sensitive guys’ in favour of the more abusive, or at very least ‘tougher’ males. It was women at playgroups who suggested what was a ‘boy colour’, or a ‘boy toy’, or gave more tenderness to a crying girl than boy…
So much here to stop and feel the very active part we play from every angle of creating and perpetuating the whole thing to then appear as ‘victim’. Could it all be more calculated than we dare imagine? To what extent do women play a key role in setting the whole thing up?
Wow Kate thanks for going there! You pose some very powerful questions. I must say that there have been many times that my sons have made reference to how I am pushing myself or questioned why am I eating certain foods that I don’t usually, and I have come back with something to stop them asking. When I am more myself of course I appreciate their caring questions.
I agree Kate, how can boys and men express their natural tender qualities if the women in their lives are saying things like this “Man up”, “Sooky lala” or “get up, do you see footballers cry!”… all comments I’ve heard said to my boys. This has given me lots to ponder on… thank you Kate.
Gosh Kate what you share is very powerful in the realisation of how we set ourselves up to not be who we truly are. I feel the truth of what you share and to the enormous extent we do this! It’s quite a shocker isn’t it?
Yes definitely quite a shocker Rachel.
This is fascinating Kate. What I realised when reading your comment that generally in the world many women are dissatisfied with the level of respect, love, equality and care they receive from men (and there is truth in that) however if we stop to consider that every man had a mother, or a teacher or other women in his life, who had a big influence in the making of that man, then it gets much more interesting. Who is ultimately responsible for the men we have in today’s society?
I’d say we all hold more responsibility than we generally dare imagine Andrew. Men of course play an equal part in raising boys, and also have vested interests in shutting down that confronting tenderness in our young boys, as it must put their own childhood hurts right to the surface. Boys and girls both also have their own choice to make as to whether to conform to all that comes at them from every angle, or stay true to what they feel inside, not an easy path, but one that is ultimately our own choice, to either stay with, or come back to at any age. We are all a product of the previous generation until a generation comes along who is willing to live another way, and offers a way out of our self-created imprisonment.
Absolutely agree Kate. We are all equally responsible, parents and children, men and women. It only takes one generation to change it all though as you say.
True Andrew – I am definitely commited to being one of the generation that makes the changes in my life that are so achingly needed for all.
Me too!
CK’s blog is just scratching the surface I feel. CK has brought up some really great points to ponder on and so to have you Kate. There are many twists and turns to this topic that both men and women can benefit from and expose so change can begin. It is all a set up but as a whole we need to get to the root cause as to why this is happening. For something so big and insidious to be created there must be something truly precious and powerful we are trying to hold back.
What is shared here is huge and ultimately calls us into responsibility. Thank you C.K. for bringing up this big subject.
We have created the world we live in. If women want to be cherished and respected it has to begin with ourselves first, there is a loveless way of living that cannot be settled for; because when we settle for it, everyone else does too. There is a love that we hold, a sacredness and a preciousness that cannot be hurt except when we deny it for ourselves, that this is who we are.
Beautiful Cheriseholt, “There is a love that we hold, a sacredness and a preciousness that cannot be hurt except when we deny it for ourselves, that this is who we are.” We have a responsibility to ourselves first and then showing the truth of who we are with other women and men.
Well said Cherise, we must love and cherish ourselves first and foremost before we can ask anyone to do that for us.
Wow, CK there is much to ponder on here that you present. Yes, it is too easy to point the finger and say it is the men and the media that are putting us down, but as you have written here, it really is us that have contributed to this. It is us as women, our relationship with ourselves and then with each other. When we start to truly value ourselves and our true qualities as women, we can appreciate these within ourselves and then appreciate them within other women. The change must start with how we are as women with each other.
Spot on Donna. It is amazing how quick we are to blame men and the media for our low self worth, when it actually is a result of a poor relationship with ourselves… This can cause self bashing, and definitely a lack of appreciation, which then naturally continue on in our behaviours with other women.
Absolutely Donna, valuing and appreciation ourselves are the keys to changing how women behave towards each other, start with looking at ourselves first. We have blamed men for years, but their behaviour towards us is a reflection of how we are with ourselves and each other.
alisonmoir it’s a great point you make about men’s behaviour is a reflection of how we are with ourselves. No wonder they can never get it right when we have this inner constant battle with ourselves and as a group. If we are always judging and criticizing ourselves how are men meant to support us when we don’t do it for ourselves. If we change then this allows others around us to change.
When we don’t want to take responsibility, to be honest and look at our hurts, the easiest thing to do is to blame someone else.
This is so great to read because I have been feeling how much distain I have as a women, how much jealousy I have as a women, and how much I compare myself to other women. This I feel to be something that all women and doing everywhere and it cripples our interactions with other women.
I agree Natasha, it is the comparison that makes us so critical of each other and not able to appreciate what we each bring and it locks us into this vicious cycle of never feeling enough and constantly having to prove ourselves.
Absolutely, we never really appreciate ourselves nearly as much as we should. We are all so amazing and so beautiful and yet we live in a way that we are constantly battling ourselves and each other.
These are certainly questions we need to be asking ourselves C.K., – the whole victim/captain thing needs turning on its head – which is both maybe a bit uncomfortable as we get to feel our contribution to, and maintenance of the status quo and the images upheld to measure up to, but also potentially very empowering as it is we who hold the key to change, individually and collectively. Knowing who we are from the inside, dropping the outer identities, and living from our bodies again as women is nothing short of a revolution. We may think change comes from pointing the finger, and waving placards, demanding respect, but what if we are demanding something we are not willing to bring ourselves? (or worse we actually set up – but thats another story). The material store might be a very telling and kind of funny example, but this might well be the cutting edge of change and the healing we women folk need, lived examples of women just living who we are, and not flustered by all the messages that say we should squash that allness down into a narrow box to tick. By example we offer ourselves and others another way.
This is great Kate, “dropping the outer identities, and living from our bodies again as women is nothing short of a revolution.” It is a shame we do not get taught how important our bodies are and that our most important connection is with our bodies, know this and a woman will innately know who she is and no longer be ruled by outer influences and ideals.
Great stuff Kate and Caroline! I agree developing and then deepening our connection to our bodies is true Women’s Liberation.
So true Caroline that we are not taught “how important our bodies are and that our most important connection is with our bodies”. Not only are we not taught this, it seems we are taught the opposite. Pretty much every direct and indirect message we get at school is that the body, and particularly our connection with it, is waaayy down the list. At school, the way we sit, or where, what we eat, keeping our laces tied to care for ourselves, how long we have to eat (or rush), keeping warm etc are all generally not given primary care. I love going in to school to read with kids and they are always a bit blown away that I take two cushions one for me and one for the kids to sit on – those few moments getting comfortable settles them in so much more, and the reading is more fun and more likely to be able to focus…without this many of the kids would be used to reading without being ‘landed’. Pretty unsurprising we so often end up ‘ruled by outer influences’ – as we are taught from so young that whats outside is more important than the natural connection with our bodies we all begin with.
I had to have a little laugh reading this as when I was young and had kids I cooked, cleaned, ironed and sewed but I still felt not enough as a woman as when I went out people would say to me say to me – “yes, but what do you do?” I did not have a career and juggle a family at the same time even though we had a family business at it was not enough as one needed to be doing something impressive. So I don’t know if it is just women even though I would have to agree that women can be our harshest critics; I feel that if we do not love, accept and appreciate ourselves we cannot read situations clearly. Most people, particularly critical people, are insecure in themselves and they project that insecurity onto others and if there is an opening due to our lack of self love we are bound to be affected and this feeds our never feeling enough. These days inspired by Natalie, Simone, Miranda and Debra Benhayon I have realized that I am enough ‘in’ myself and am always lacking when I step ‘out’ of myself. If I feel something coming at me these days I use it as a reflection – am I ‘with’ myself and therefore able to read what is going on for the other or am I ‘out’ of myself and feeling effected.
I had to laugh at your comment too Kathleen, when you say you were cooking, cleaning, ironing and sewing as well as bringing up four kids – but being asked what do you do? I find such wisdom and truth in what you say. Peals of wisdom: we are never enough, if we leave ourselves and always enough if we are with ourselves, no matter whether we are doing something impressive or not. Also love how you use the reflection of another’s judgment of you as a marker as to whether you are in (yourself) or out.
Yes, Thank you Josephine. It is a true “we are never enough, if we leave ourselves and always enough if we are with ourselves, no matter whether we are doing something impressive or not.” It can be taken back to Shakespeare famous line “to be or not to be, that is the question.”
Great Kathleen, of course Shakespeare was on to it all those years ago but I love how you’ve referenced this famous quote to women particularly. To be or not to be, very simple and something I shall take into my day.
The only time I experience negative responses from women is when I walk into a fancy boutique clothes shop. I differently don’t fit the mold of highly feminine woman that would wear such clothing, and I get the up and down look.I do make it a challenge to try and connect with them, get a smile, something, but I m not usually in the store for long and I do have a laugh at their behavior, I love them anyway.
Love what you have shared here CK, everything changes when you start to love and become your own friend. Building that relationship with ourselves first and foremost is the only way out of the mess that surrounds us currently – all of our own making.
It’s also interesting when women gather in a group the sharing can be mighty powerful but separate us an we often go into individual critique. As women we are incredibly versatile and resourceful, it’s such a shame we undo that with comparison and judgement as we have so many gifts to bring in supporting each other by just being our true natural, sexy, fun selves.
This is very true, Merrilee, we each have a unique and natural expression we can bring to any group, and any form of self criticism detracts from that.
Any form of self criticism is a form of self abuse and dishonouring to ourselves as women, I am beginning to realise this more and more, after realising just how much I have done it myself in the (not too distant) past, a hard habit to break, but it is possible, it comes from loving ourselves more.
I can remember my first experiences of ‘group sharing’ in a women’s group and a lot of what I talked about was related to a judgment of myself in my role as a woman. I wasn’t alone either. When meeting with friends over tea, it can often be quite a competition to see who can be the most ‘self depreciating’. We mask the truth of what we’re doing behind humour, but the sense of failure is still there, even if we do try to palm it off as an accomplishment.
wow CK you stopped me in my tracks when I read this … ‘if you are a woman and you can’t cook, can’t sew, can’t iron, couldn’t clean or don’t or can’t have kids, then who are you?’ Gosh we have measured ourselves so much on these ideals! It is shocking for me to see what we as women have created for ourselves. We have a great responsibility and rather than blaming others we need to open our eyes wide to the fact that we have had a part in this and therefore we have a part in corecting it.
I agree, women have measured themselves to be this ideal house wife were they have to accomplish duties in order to be a woman, sounds crazy.
“Did that image and projection come from men and the media, or is it at all possible that it actually began with women themselves? ” This is a great question C.K. Is it possible that the external situation that you have described – the way women are portrayed, the way they speak to each other, their expectations of each other, the sexualisation and extreme behaviour on social media, is simply a reflection of what are our thoughts – our internal dialogues and our comparisons with each other? If women don’t treat each other as equals, how do we expect men to? When we take responsibility for the way that we relate and behave then it opens the way for other women to be inspired. We can make love and equality our future.Thank you for raising this important topic.
Wow, CK, I feel you have really let the cat out of the bag here! Yes, absolutely, women can really be their own worst enemies. I can remember, particularly in my early years, up to my mid 20’s, I was surrounded by so much judgmentalism from women, young and old. It would depend on the circle you were in at the time, each group would have its own expectations on how a woman should be. When I was in my later years at school I found there was so much back-biting, jealousy etc., I just was not comfortable with many young women, other than a couple of close friends. This sort of behaviour always felt so ugly to me. Generally, I felt that male company was so much more straight-forward, but as I was very shy, I did suffer from much loneliness. Then with young children, there were again all the expectations from other women on how the mother should be. And so it went on through life, until at last in my mid-60’s, I met a group of women (and men) involved with Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, who seemed somewhat different. Yes, they were all at different levels of their development, but there was definitely much less judgmentalism of HOW I should be and less need to be fitting into a mould. Thank goodness. But why is it that women make life so difficult for each other. I guess it is largely because they know nothing about truly finding out who they really are and how to just be that. I do feel so blessed to have found Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Thank you CK for opening up this subject for us.
I used to prefer the company of men too Beverley, I wasn’t quite sure why though, perhaps the times when I did work in the company of mostly women then there was a great deal of judgement and gossip which didn’t feel nice to me. I also kept away from anything to do with women’s groups, that is until I met Sara Williams and Natalie Benhayon and started attending the Women in Livingness presentations. These groups were so different, a group of women just being themselves, I wasn’t judged and felt totally at ease and all working for the same aim, to claim themselves as women and to explore what it is be a true woman in this world, talking about subjects that are often seen as taboo outside of the group. It is not exclusive, it is open to ALL women, from ages 13 up. I have everything to gain by attending these groups as it is important that we, as women begin to claim and accept who we actually are, I think you will agree.
I had the same experience, from my late teens I also preferred the company of men. I found men a lot easier to be with, I felt safe and they were a lot of fun to be around, joking with a care free attitude. I didn’t feel the tension that was ever present with the women in my life. It was as though there was this ever present calibration that was going on, I was being rated and I’m sure I was probably doing the same thing back.
Beverley, I have a feeling that men and women may be very similar in their judgment. I went to a party wearing a pullover with a t-shirt underneath. Everyone else wore shirts or hoodies or shorts’n’t-shirt. It was the same judgment though expressed with less force. Being different takes courage – everywhere.
They were just jealous, Christoph.
So could a fight for ‘women’s rights’ or ‘women’s liberation’ be a fight against ourselves? Do we judge ourselves on what we can and cannot do, before we judge other women? Have we so sold out to the ideals of being a woman (that we know doesn’t feel right), that we are looking outside ourselves for someone to blame, rather than choosing to make changes within – to let go of the ideals and beliefs and honour our divine essence?
Great comment Carmin. We are indeed sold out to that which is outside ourselves all because we do not want to take responsibility for that which we have created purposely delaying us to claim the true woman that lies within us.
Yes Carmin, we indeed “…are looking outside of ourselves for someone to blame, rather than choosing to make changes within – …”. It initially seems like the easier thing to do, to simply deflect the responsibility, in truth however it serves to make the changes within as these choices will make all the difference to our lives.
Thank you C.K. The change starts with us. We can observe how other women look at us, compare and judge, and love ourselves so much that we are not affected, we understand exactly what is going on. With our strength and wisdom and appreciation of ourselves we can blow our own socks off!
Bernadette, I love your comment. It is very inspiring and so true. It certainly does begin with us. “With our strength and wisdom and appreciation of ourselves we can blow our own socks off!” – love it!
Your blog also alludes to the fact that we as women don’t support each other to be true women. I had similar experience a few years ago in a bra shop – I was so naive about what was available for me when the woman asked me what I was looking for she listed a whole lot of types of bras. When I replied I didn’t know what a contour bra was I was scoffed at and instantly felt belittled and less as woman ( and promptly left the store). It so true there are all these hidden undercurrents of implied expectations and beliefs as women – the pressure is crippling for some and dismissed by others only to result in women not being their natural and nurturing, playful and gorgeous selves. We have a long way to go so thanks for starting this conversation.
Funnily enough it was through shopping with a friend that I became more confident to go into department stores as I felt so intimidated by shop assistants, and this over bearing feeling of being utterly inadequate. I have to be honest though and say I am still terrified of beauty departments and rarely feel able to be just me and accept my lack of knowledge. Crazy what we allow when we are disconnected from the greatest beauty within.
It is crazy – because those assistants are there to help us – but if they are having the opposite effect of intimidating us everyone stays contracted and disconnected from themselves and as women we miss out on the joys of being together and sisterliness.
You are not alone, True Gem, I haven’t a clue what a contour bra is either. I feel when people are rude in response to a genuine question, it comes from a place of insecurity. Your presence and absolute love-liness would have been felt, so maybe it was the only way the sales assistant felt they could be to deal with the awesome reflection you were offering, in comparison to how they were feeling. This is the real issue ….. it comes back to jealousy and comparison. Until we, as women, can deal with these two issues, the abuse will continue.
It’s hard to be on the receiving end of a judgment, particularly so from another woman. However, rather than allowing that hurt in, if we are able to share the love that we feel so deeply for our self with the other person, knowing that what we’re feeling from them is their own protection, it would be the start to a much needed change, to stop the self perpetuating cycle of abuse amongst women. There is so much we can share and learn from each other, if we can just get our selves out of the way.
The judgement is everywhere. For me, the women in the shop could have been any group that comes together, we naturally find tribes to align to, tribes that have similar interest. What I see is that from these tribes where we feel safe and accepted we look out and judge others. It is so important to be aware that this is the default and choose another way because when we sit in judgement it can be very easy to not see it!!!! Being aware of this, I am conscious to not stand in what could be called my ‘tribe’ with this awareness and judge others who are still reacting to what they see as the hurts of the world, considering myself as living a more ‘enlightened life’ because I am choosing to address my hurts. I feel the key is to bring understanding and be the change we want to see giving space for others to choose as they see fit, being that change with everyone, not just with the people we feel ‘safe’ with.
I love your comment Lucy, to “bring understanding and be the change we want to see giving space for others to choose as they see fit…” to not judge the ones judging us, because as you explain then we are creating another tribe.
The judgement we have on ourselves comes from our inability to read our own situations and view them with love, understanding and compassion. With these qualities, judgement doesn’t even exist! It’s no wonder we can judge others so easily and be judged in return when we are walking around without true and full understanding, but this doesn’t have to be the case when we are open to living deeply lovingly with ourselves and equally each other.
There is no judgment needed of the qualities inside of us for we are of both genders inside and are equal. Externally we are different, young women are seeking partners and want and want to look attractive and sexy. Then they have children and want to be motherly and nurture their children. For boys and girls alike, life skills – self love, nurturing and taking care of your body and your home are absolute necessities to be learnt early so you can help your family now and your partners later.
Ah yes, we woman have been our own worst enemy. Fighting amongst ourselves for position and notoriety. Ganging up to exclude another woman from a group. It hasn’t been until sacred movement and regular classes with a group of women that I have experienced women surrendering to the powerhouse they are together as we cherish and honour how truly sacred our relationship can be – no one is excluded, no one is comparing, there is simply the deepest appreciation for each other. So divine and exquisite.
Sacred Movement was the first thing that showed me exactly how another woman can hold and support me and I them, in equality. There is a letting down of the guard with this and a willingness to be seen in vulnerability and fragility but this is totally all worth it for the oneness in womanhood that is experienced. What if it was all a deceptive trick to have us pitting against each other all this time, to keep us away from the solid union that we can actually bring and live in all our united glory and beauty.
A great exposure here C.K as when I have gone into comparison, I can say it was definitely my own choice to do so, no-one forced me to do this at those times. I can see how I used it as a deflection away from not wanting to feel my own self rejection, so then not feeling my own beauty and loving tenderness that I now know is at the very core of me and within everyone equally.
GREAT blog C.K. I agree, if we (as women) want change in society, it starts with us. It starts with how we are with ourselves, the relationship we have with ourselves and our ability to be loving, tender and forgiving with ourselves. When we are this way with ourselves, we are naturally this way with other women. When we are harsh, critical, judgemental of ourselves – nit picking and constantly striving to be perfect – we are this way with other women also… even if that’s not what we’re putting out on the exterior.
What you have presented CK has left me with much to ponder on… Sadly it is so often the case that we seek to point the finger at another to blame them rather than look at the part that we have been playing. No different to the situation you are talking about regarding how we as women have played a role in our own demise and seek to blame society or men for this. But as women we also have the capacity and the power to change this – by taking responsibility for who we are and how we are with ourselves and breaking down the constructs that have bound us unnecessarily so for eons. There is a freedom that unfolds, a freedom to show the world that is it not about living to ideals and beliefs, that being a woman is not about wearing certain clothes, is not about whether we have children or not, is not about what we DO….rather, it is all about how we are with ourselves in what we do. So much to enjoy and explore in this freedom to be.
Yes Henrietta agree, and when we are love with and treasure ourselves, we are love with and treasure another – the common issues of jealousy or comparison many of us experience today as women only highlight a lack of love.
I attended the Women in Livingness group in London a couple of weeks ago, and in that meeting we were asked to discuss how we would feel if another woman looked us up and down without saying anything. One of the feelings that came to light during this was betrayal. Betrayal that our ‘sister’ would turn her back on us with judgement – join in with what keeps us all separate and lacking any true brotherhood (or sisterhood if you prefer – though it’s not a gender thing!). What we do to each other in the name of comparison is ugly and harming beyond measure. The judgements we cast out, often unconsciously, we direct at other women but really they are the daggers we are throwing at ourselves. By focusing our jealousy or derision on others we can alleviate the awful self-loathing thoughts we have toward ourselves. Thank God for Esoteric Women’s Health, Universal Medicine and all the wonderful true role models (Unimed students and practitioners alike) who are now walking in this world with the claimed beauty, grace and power of true women. By claiming the woman within we stop comparing ourselves with other women which simply allows them to feel the woman within too.
By claiming the true woman within, we are able to reflect equality to all others and present something different, something unique that we all don’t see everyday.. This will one day become the new normal, women accepting and holding their true power in all lightness and joy and not holding it back from a hurt about anything.
Lovely Lucy, and when we claim the women within we start to feel amazing and their becomes no room for comparison or jealousy, and the ripple effect is, the reflection of a woman living from her true essence; that is stillness, this allows another women permission to claim that for herself too, for now she has a choice.
This is all so true. I remember that for a lot of my life I prefered hanging out with my guy friends, and sometimes even had more male friends than female because I found their company so much easier than being with other women. I used to say that I prefered hanging out with male friends because they were less complicated and easier company. But if I really consider now what was truly happening, it was because of trying to avoid the tension I felt around other women that was coming from me comparing, judging, and often feeling jealous towards them. Luckily, that is all changing now as I develop my livingness, and as I begin to develop appreciation for myself as a woman, I can start to hold the same appreciation for other women. A work in progress. Thank you for this blog CK, it’s given me a really revealing insight.
A brilliant angle on where true inequality starts – in the judgment served out on a woman to woman basis. Women generally don’t support other women. Indeed they judge the book by its cover and the cover by their very own standards that are derived from a set of personalised belief systems they hold as their truth. Without one unifying truth on what womanhood is all about, no-one can win in this separatist game. For that is what it is.
This game sounds poisonous and complicated, there’s nothing nurturing or loving about choosing to play this game and in fact, it leaves us further away from the warmth and love in our own hearts. It hurts more than anything to play a game of untruth and the whole world misses out on knowing true brotherhood and true strength once again.
“true inequality starts – in the judgment served out on a woman to woman basis. Women generally don’t support other women. Indeed they judge the book by its cover and the cover by their very own standards that are derived from a set of personalised belief systems they hold as their truth.” – brilliantly said Cathy, this exposes so much and takes what is highlighted in this blog to another level.
It is powerful the way you present this possibility KC that we are the ones perpetuating these perceptions and abusive beliefs. When you put it like this, its starts to feel a whole lot more uncomfortable doesn’t it? What if in the bigger picture of life, we are the ones actively perpetuating these issues we rail against?
I agree with you Suzanne, I too just love attending sacred movement and other classes with women who are claiming who they truly are, I love the fact that there is no comparison, judgment etc., we are all discovering more and more who they are and there is such a brotherhood/sisterhood at last. We can all just be who we are.
Awesome blog and a great point you are raising here. We as women are definetely part of this creation and for me this has to do with the fact that we have lost touch with who we innately are as women. We have defined ourselves by things outside of ourselves, always thinking that we are not enough. True change lies in our own hands and it actually starts with ourselves. Appreciation is a key factor in this, a deep appreciation of the woman that we are.
Yes – appreciation is absolutely key – often we don’t know where to start – it seems like such a huge inner and outer undertaking to make the changes we’d like to see and feel. But appreciation for simply being the women we are feels so solid and real a place to start from.
I agree Mariette, we are part of this creation because we women lost touch with who we innately are as women, and having lost touch with our true quality, we began searching outside of ourselves for that something that was always missing…..thus it was easy to fall into the trap of what not only the media portray what a woman should be and look like but all other women too were part of this set up. Appreciation, self-love and self-support are indeed key for woman to break free from this set-up and begin to live from their true essence.
Reading the comments I could feel the enormous pressure Women put on themselves. Not only to themselves, but also in a way to belong, because if she’s herself – like in the example – she’s being very firmly and critically judged. The only way to withstand this, is by Truly loving yourselves. As it is for Men. Because I can feel that Men actually ‘wait’ for Women to lead. Too afraid to be rejected so constantly rejecting themselves. What if we both start to Truly appreciate the qualities of who we ARE, rather than what we do. And that we from both sides start accepting that neither of us is perfect and that in Truth we love to care and nourish each other. Rather than fighting each other. Thank you for this firm and very needed blog.
Very beautifully said Floris.
Well summed up Floris – it is time we all start to ‘Truly appreciate the qualities of who we ARE, rather than what we do’. This is take so much pressure and stress of ourselves from thinking we need to constantly be seen to be doing something or achieving something.
The societal structures and the ensuing fostering of a certain male identification and its corresponding female counterpart are produced and perpetuated through the socialization process by which certain patterns, behaviours, ideals and believes are encouraged. E.g. how men and women are supposed to relate to each other and between each other. Men’s pressure to perform the potent alpha male is supplemented by women’s pressure to perform constantly in sexually charged situations using their bodies as commodities to achieve whatever needed or wanted. In this, competition with other women is key and an essential part of the game. Such behaviour is not innate in any human being but is something learned and engrained over many generations. This means every individual holds the responsibility to re-connect to our true essence and stop playing the game and live as role models of what it means to be a true woman and a true man. There is no space for holding others for ransom, there is only space for lived responsibility. Nevertheless the illusion is deep and the strong identification of women with their roles as mothers and wives keeps us captive in this insidious form of creation, complaining out of the cage, but at the same time loving the comfort and security of it. We have to let go of the comfort to live our true power!
Wow.. Woow.. I am just astounded. CK thank you for writing. This is amazing. Amazingly responsible. You totaly free yourself from the victimhood we as women indeed create to be in. I could so deeply feel how much I have used all these excuses, accusations, violences etc. to actually not move on with my life as a woman, but I was hiding, hiding from the fact that I can do everything about it! What I deeply sense from your blog is that we are able to make this whole society change by how we are about and feel and think about ourselves. Like you shared; by looking at the ideals we hold, the games we play and the power we have inside that we have given away.. This is really a fantastic article, I would love to share this with everyone I know.. This needs to be worldly read. This is incredible, really incredible. I know now what to do, look at how I am with myself and feel what I truly want as a woman! I got the beauty, I got the responsibility, lets change the way we are about ourselves, this would make all the change that is needed.. Because then no one can actually tell us that we are not worth it! Come on ladies, lets get our hands full, full of love and power, we are responsible for this too!
I love your comment Danna – your joy and appreciation bubbles out of every word. Gorgeous.
Love how you express Danna – and love your appreciation of what is presented by CK – I could not agree more: what are we waiting for – let’s get our hands full of love and power and claim back what we know to be true!
I am finding that the more I honour myself, the more women around me are inspired to respect my choices and honour themselves.
“So what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” so true, the value of women is who they are and not what they do. I could say the same about us all.
Given that as women we are bestowed with true nurturing qualities, I wonder at how we have arrived at such a place – where comparison and critique are the standard experience amongst women. It has been disheartening to say the least to live with this as an everyday occurrence. Though the support of Esoteric Women’s Health and Universal Medicine I have turned this around by working on my own self- worth and self-acceptance (and thus acceptance and appreciation of others).
CK you ask a great question, “Who is actually creating the image that we all are pressured to look up to, but at the same time are repulsed by?” The fact that we as women create the image of ourselves we do not want could be very true.
Yes, it is we women ourselves who create the image that we aspire to be. Ouch, and I am coming to feel that it comes from my own judgment of myself that is at the root of it. I have been so critical of myself, had no self esteem, felt I was just not good enough. This is the start of all the rest of how we then go on to try to cover up all of that with that awful veneer.
Being a woman reading this illuminating blog there is a lot to sit with , thank you so much for this fabulous opportunity. I have had the same experience from women , some very close to me , where they look me up and down and make some demeaning comment about how I look or what I am wearing.It is so true that we as women have set up these ideals and judgements as how women ‘ should ‘ be, so as we built them we are the ones who can dismantle them.
” … it is an interesting perception to fathom that we are constantly being governed by what we see around us.”
Thank you for this line … it caused a stop in me and in that moment I realised that, in truth, I actually CHOOSE to be governed by what I see around me, ie, I allow a decision made by someone else to also be my decision. In effect, I renege on my own decision-making, for whatever reason.
So with that awareness I can then choose to NOT be governed by what’s around me, if I so choose! I can choose to hold my beingness, my self, with the swirling waters of life going on around me, like an island in the middle of a flowing river.
This is perfect for me to reflect on, that the value I hold within comes from my qualities and not on all the things that I can do.
I love the way you turn the questions around CK, it’s easy to sit back and moan about the media and forget it’s the responsibility of us all to accept or do something different about our image as women. It’s up to us to step up and become role models to start making the changes for all to see and appreciate women living in Truth.
It really seems ridiculous that as women we continue to pull each other apart piece by piece when in truth we should stand up and share in the beautiful delicate qualities we all hold within. As women we all hold the same qualities of delicate, unwavering stillness and we all express it in our own unique ways. This is what should be bringing us together in absolute appreciation and support not tearing us apart. We are here to change this vicious cycle. CK your blog has solidified the way forth and I for one love that with all of my being. Thank you.
My feeling is that these beliefs or ideals about what a woman should be come for many angles and that is correct to say that women often endorse these beliefs by their lifestyles, their way of communicating and their way of perceiving others. I don’t however feel that they carry the creation of these beliefs in isolation…
I agree that we, as women, hold the keys to our own evolution out of these restricting concepts and can mirror this to men and children. I also feel that each has their own responsibility to express, irrespective of one’s gender.
As a man I have felt what it is to be around women ‘living from the qualities inside…’ and fully appreciate what a profound and beneficial effect this has on me. Thank you for your blog C.K.
Brilliantly insightful blog, and it brings a new perspective to understanding what truly underpins the way society looks to box women and who they are. Thank you.
This blog poses some good questions and shines responsibility on women to hold what is true in who they are in the world and not succumb to ideals and roles that have defined women for so long. We are the power for change, it is true, and connecting back to our innate essence and being able to express this in the world is what is so needed as a true reflection for humanity.
It is quite shocking article CK. Eyes and mind opening indeed.”…what if women are the key to being the role models for children, men and even the media to see what a woman is and it is not defined by your domestic abilities, but the qualities you hold inside you?” Not many women I grow up with asked this question. It is common to blame someone or something outside for our problems or wrong doings. But what if WE ARE responsible to all of it? Game changing turn. I am feeling it deeply-and it is not nice. Work to do and bring the true quality into life.
There are some really powerful questions here C.K. Ones that make a lot of sense. There appears to be a huge victimhood around women and yet the force that she can have towards herself and others is nowhere near being a small and helpless victim. Women are powerful and strong as well as supporting and sensitive. To pretend that we are the victims of these images is avoiding the fact that we have a hand in creating and maintaining them.
Well said Leigh, CK’s blog reminds us that we are not victims, we are colluding if we allow ourselves to be victims. We are powerful and strong as well as supporting and sensitive. That is not a victim, that is a game changer.
I love this question CK – “How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?” It’s so easy to feel crushed if you have been told you don’t meet the mark. What do I think of me, that allows me to feel so crushed sometimes? Lots to ponder on.
Yes Debra, this is a question that can lie in our subconscious slowly eating at us from the inside if we don’t become aware of the lie it is, and that we are being fed. It is up to each and every woman to let go of this binding that keeps us from expressing her natural beautiful ways, by virtue of the simple and absolute fact that she is a woman.
It is easy to feel crushed and this is timely as I am feeling crushed at the moment by another woman exposing an area of a lack of self-worth within me offering me an opportunity to bring love to. Appreciating this moment where I do feel hurt is a big step. It is then a question as to whether I make a choice to honour and love me or do I carry on indulging in the hurt. The choice is mine. There are always going to be women judging me but it is up to me as to what I do with the criticism; that is take it in me or let it go and come back to me. It is always my responsibility as to how I am feeling.
So true Caroline,’ There are always going to be women judging me but it is up to me as to what I do with the criticism’. The choice is always ours, on going appreciation of ourselves is so important, this naturally flows into us appreciating other women.
A very thought provoking piece of writing C.K. – it is clear that you are onto something, I find the same thing, I can feel the most judged by women, but also I find that if I’m walking in the street, I am much more likely to judge other women than I am men…
A very powerful blog CK. We do buy into a set of rules and expectations that we judge ourselves and other women by. We have the power to change this by starting with ourselves. By dropping these false expectations we can give ourselves space to just be. I know when I am less judgmental of myself, I am less judgmental of others.
A brilliant blog C.K. What you’ve written is very relatable, and indeed sadly the way a lot of women are with one another. I often feel this pressure from other women when I walk into an expensive shop or restaurant not dressed to the elegant and posh standard that is expected. It’s crazy how this has become so normal, and as you say throughout history we have fought for women’s rights and have accused men of treating us unfairly, when the state of which we treat each other is often even more abusive…. This definitely needs to change.
A powerful and much needed provoking blog CK to ponder upon.
If there is any ‘failure’, to me it is the complete opposite of not being able ‘to do’ the traditional women’s view of how she ‘should’ be to be seen as a ‘good woman’ – manic multi-tasking, being the strong superwoman who never has to ask for help for fear of being seen as lesser than other woman, jealousy, comparison, totally exhausted under the projected false face etc. – yikes! the list is seemingly endless to bind us into a box of our own making.
The wake up call for me has been attending the Women’s Groups presentations by Sara Williams and Natalie Benhayon (Universal Medicine practitioners and presenters).
Now it is all about taking more care of myself in a supportive way, feeling what is there to be felt, dressing in the clothes that reflect the moment (playful, sexy, graceful etc), letting go of the doing and multi-tasking, deeply appreciating women and continually deepening the connection with the innate stillness within (equally present in all people) which is vital for women to know the absoluteness of themselves.
There certainly seems like there is a lot of truth in this, I often am amazed at how unsupportive many women are of one another, how much bitching, jealousy and comparison goes on. As men we can play a deeper role in supporting women to achieve equality, speaking up when we feel things that are not right, and this will be helped greatly by women being more supportive of one another too.
Thank you Stephen for your input on this and your support you feel to offer women. At the end of the day, equality is a huge step forward but not just in the sense of women’s rights but true equality that is felt within ourselves based on how we feel about ourselves. It is up to us all to recognise the equality that has always existed within us. Women have certain obvious things to work on yes, but it is also to take away all the external bickering and really feel what is left, love that runs deep equal within us all.
Thank you for your sharing CK. I had never considered what a true women could be until I met Natalie Benhayon and Simone Benhayon (just two examples amongst the many women in the Benhayon family) who are living their lives as women could be living, from their essence, dedicated to loving themselves as well as serving all of humanity, working long hours and still looking consistently gorgeous, they are the epitome of what a true woman is and I appreciate and applaud them for reflecting this back to me as a true reflection of who I am. There is no judgement, jealously or comparison with these women, just pure beauty and love, and this is within all women equally, everywhere just waiting to reveal itself. It is up to us women to claim ourselves and our sacredness and preciousness and then society will change, but it comes from US first.
I feel women shouldn’t be defined by their domestic abilities, their appearance, their financial status or anything the temporal world has us hooked into believing. There is no greater moment when we connect to another person’s innermost and to truly feel this. It’s great when we can let go of long held ideals and beliefs around how we are all defined by the outer.
Wow – thank you for this very honest blog C.K. It was a stop moment for me indeed. I can put my hand up and honestly say that I have been my own and other women’s worst critics. A girlfriend once said to me that she dresses well for women not for men, because men never remember the details, but women always do. And that is the truth. Women, I feel, have played a large part in welcoming comparison with other women. It seems as though we have built up an ideal as to what a woman should be, and have given permission to tear ourselves and other women down who do not live up to this. e are waiting for the ‘perfect woman’ to get fat, do something inappropriate, have a bad makeup day…all to make ourselves feel better. But what about how we are with ourselves, how we value ourselves, and what that reflects to the women of tomorrow? I am ready for that change.
Excellent question and reflection you offer here hvmorden, one for us all to deeply ponder about: “…what about how we are with ourselves, how we value ourselves, and what that reflects to the women of tomorrow?” And not just the women of tomorrow, this applies to the here and now equally as much I feel.
Absolutely CK we have spent our time blaming the media and men for the way we are treated yet we as women are not loving between each other. Your example in the fabric shop is perfect because this can happen in all walks of life and we brush these incidences aside pretending we haven’t noticed, but we can become so easily deflated by a few judgemental comments. “How do you value and appreciate yourself when everything is indicating to you that you have failed?” Such a great line CK there is much work to be done to change the perception within ourselves of what it means to be a woman in our society today.
I agree Alison, what is needed is for women to be in sisterhood again, supporting each other fully to be and express who they naturally are, which is actually the most exquisite feeling. We have grown up in a world of comparison and jealousy, and it is only women choosing to be loving with each other once again that will eliminate these debilitating and unnatural ways of being with each other.
We have grown up in a world of comparison and jealousy, so true, and this undercurrent feels so horrible. Time to start appreciating and valuing ourselves, and bringing this to those around us – sisterhood as you describe above Jo would be gorgeous.
Great point Alison, I am finding that men are so much more intimate and real with each other and women as you have described still carry on with checking each other out and being stand offish with one another. Women to me are more guarded than the men I know.
Sometimes it does seem that women are harder on women and hold expectations of what a women should look like and be able to do. I had a situation where a women couldn’t believe that I didn’t do my husbands ironing and at the time it felt like I had failed in some way, that I was a bad wife.
These roles we take on seem to have a life of their own and create more problems for us, as it is to difficult to live up to them and keep it all going – talk about a set up.
Absolutely a set up. A set up to feel like a failure.
I work as a manual arts teacher teaching woodwork and the amount of women who have raised their eyebrows at this is huge, where as the men have always been cool and supportive. It’s been an interesting journey to observe. I’ve found women tend to treat me less because I don’t live my life as a traditional woman does. This long pattern of conditioning is being slowly broken down but it is still very much alive and kicking.
I love this Tracy 🙂 I dare say there’s some pretty special stuff coming out of your classes!
Thanks Brooke. Yes I’m very proud of my year 7 and 10 wood work classes, they are producing some really awesome quality projects and enjoying the process. The year 10’s have been making a beautiful table with a draw and wood turned bowls and the year 7’s have loved making a ‘lolly dispenser’, which I re named a nut dispenser and had my moment in the spotlight of talking about the ills of lollies and students. They still went out and filled them with m&m’s. We can only but present the truth and what will be will be 🙂
Yes Tracy, we women are our own worst enemies in terms of putting ourselves in boxes (not necessarily wooden ones).
I agree Brooke. What you are doing is brilliant Tracy. I did woodwork as an elective in year 10 and wow did it raise some eyebrows, among the other young women in my year. I had teachers trying to discourage me, but I wanted to do it. I would have loved to have you as a teacher.
Thanks Rachel. It’s a shame you were discouraged to take wood work. Such long held ideals and beliefs around what gender can take which subjects, seems crazy to me. There has been some shifts in this area but there is still that pigeon holing and judgement that exists at times, ie boys in dance and girls in construction and wood work. The new generation are breaking down those ideals and beliefs slowly but surely.
It sure is a setup, Julie. If this woman identifies herself with her role the ironing becomes important because it gives her identification. And then when we compare ourselves with that we gauge our own performance and more often than not we measure up as being not good enough. It might be good to ask the husband if he is presented with a loving heart as well as beautifully ironed shirts?
It does make me wonder Sandra, how different our relationships would be without any identification for self or any expectations, from ourselves and others.
I was the same as the woman I mentioned, so I recognise wanting identification for being a perfect wife and mother, and then feel rejected because the other members of the family aren’t thanking me for all I do for them – so I understand where she is coming from and can see the trap for what it is.
Thank you C.K. this is a very timely blog as these are questions I have been raising myself recently as I have been seeing that yes we can complain about what men have done or don’t do but actually there is a whole load of yukkiness going on with women and our relationship with each other when actually we could be there simply lending a supportive hand as we all carry amazing qualities.
Yes its a shame there is so much yukkiness between women when it would be so much more loving to truly be supporting and accepting one another. Throughout my life I feel I’ve suffered more confusion and hurt through the actions of women whether it be via jealousy or comparison. Women need to call this ideal out and start to reclaim their glory from within.
It is sad to see and feel how women often do not support each other and in fact often tear each other down. It all boils down to our inner feelings of lack of self-worth and not living all we could be ourselves, so we allow resentment and jealousy to fester towards another woman who might be more ‘something’, beautiful, successful, expressive, creative, whatever, the list goes on. If we could start to make the connection to our own inner qualities, and appreciate ourselves for what we are then these feelings of comparison and jealousy will diminish and our own lives will change.
Yes, agreed! Interestingly, recently I had my hair cut. All of the women in my life noticed it and commented on it. Many of the men in my life did not. As women, we can often go out of our way to dress well / look great for MEN, but in actual fact, it is WOMEN who notice, compliment, critique, have opinion on the most! Not to say that men don’t, because they do. But our biggest critic is always our self first, then other women.
Although of course women do dress for men, I say they often dress for other women too! Feeling what to wear for an occasion for example there can be the thought what will others (women) be wearing? Or not wearing something because you are going to look so amazing you know other women will take note and there may be jealousy. Although men may notice how gorgeous we look, it will be other women who will be checking us out first, and noticing our new shoes, new hair, lipstick, dress etc. As women how we look and how others see us is something that is usually very important to most of us but are we doing this from outside in or inside out? Allowing ourselves to present ourselves from inside out, in other words aligning to how we feel just for us first, is a totally different experience and gets rid of the inner critic which gives us the confidence to be however we are without fearing other (women’s) reactions.
Yes Brooke, and why do we take this critique so much to heart? Is it because we are too focussed on the outer look instead of just feeling how amazing we are inside?
What you write here Brooke is so true. I have always been aware of comparison between women and it can be quite shocking. Most men are not too bothered in the clothes I choose to wear, my new hair cut, how I wear my make-up, how I raise my kids, the time I choose to get up in the morning etc but women and most women at that do have an opinion and usually it is laced with putting the other woman down.
What a great reflection for all women CK thank you very inspiring. We are responsible for the images we create for ourselves and take on that are loveless and not honouring of ourselves.Truly valuing and appreciating ourselves from our essence and the love we are is the true way to embody and be the reflection and inspiration for humanity.
CK, this blog is really earth shattering that we create how we are treated in the world and that in truth we as women are effectively keeping ourselves and each other in a way / ideal that we’ve locked onto in our own heads. We’re sitting in a prison of our own making pointing out at the world, saying you did this, and the door is wide open, and we can step out at any time. Thank you for this rocket, it’s up to us all as women to be our own role models, to live how we want to be treated and to treat ourselves and everyone we meet women and men in the same way. Anything less is disingenuous, and we’re lying to ourselves if we continue to play victim and blame others – it’s time to stop lying and live how we know we can, it’s in us, and it’s for us to live.
Awesome. How true that it’s in us and its for us to live. Great comment. I’ve often found the greatest critics of women was women, so this blog really exposes that. I love how you referred to sitting in a prison of our own making. It’s great that many are now choosing to step out of this prison. Slowly slowly it will inspire others to do the same and we can all see ourselves and others through the love that is within.
What a beautifully powerful comment , thank you Monica. It is so true that it is way over time that we women need to accept that we have set it up this way and to stop blaming men, the media and our societies. I love the symbol of we are in the jail that we have made for ourselves and the door is open. All we need to do is to choose to be ourselves, drop the ideals and walk through the doorway.
Awesome Monica, I’m with you – and CK – on this one 100%. We are indeed ‘…sitting in a prison of our own making pointing out at the world, saying you did this, and yet the door is wide open and we can step out any time.’. It is up to us to be honest about the pictures and ideals we are holding onto, to see them for what they are – empty, poisonous creations so far removed from what it truly is to be a woman. When we live what we know, what we feel in our very core is true, we afford others the opportunity – and inspiration – to do this also.
Great point – we are “sitting in a prison of our own making” that we keep perpetuating by our unwillingness to drop the competition and comparison with other women because it is easier to point the finger at the world out there and accusing it of being our jailor than to take responsibility and make other choices.
Exactly Gabriele – it’s incredible the lengths we will go to and the misery we will create for ourselves rather than ‘..take responsibility and make other choices.’
We are indeed our own worst enemies, which means we also hold the power to change it. Brilliant blog C.K. Thank you
Well said Monica.
This is a telling image monicag2 ‘We’re sitting in a prison of our own making pointing out at the world….’ Why are we choosing to stay in the ‘comfort’ of being a victim? Are we avoiding responsibility? Or are we just too covered by the belief that we are not good enough? The more of us who step out of ‘prison’ the easier it is for others to do so too. By not comparing or allowing jealousy to affect us we can support each other to step up. Thank you C.K. for your blog which highlights the issue and will help women understand they do have a choice not to stay trapped in the old ways.
“We’re sitting in a prison of our own making pointing out at the world, saying you did this, and the door is wide open, and we can step out at any time.” – a powerful comment Monica, and so very true. We must find it more comfortable in the prison we have created and maintained than to just step out and be who we are, its almost like there is a safety of sorts in not being asked to be all of the amazing shining gorgeousness we actually are, even if that means being treated badly, because ultimately it is an arrangement that suits us. It is, as you say, time to stop lying to ourselves, there is no blame, or fault outside us as a conveniently set up scapegoat, we truly are the captains of our own ships and for too long the responsibility and power we hold has been actively given away and shunned, and set up guaranteeing the whole self made prison perpetuates. When it ends is up to us, someone has to be the first to step out.
This is a great point CK, we as women can live in a way that is true for us, rather than fighting to change what men and the media say and write about us we can live in a way that is honouring and respectful and show by lived example that this is the way we deserve and want to be treated, with love, respect and honouring and that any form of abuse or putting down is unacceptable.
I endorse fully what you say here, Rebecca. Our way of living in a self honouring, self loving way is what will ultimately change the perceptions of all those around us. Just demanding or finger pointing may have a short term pay off but it can never bring sustainable long term change – this comes from within.
Yes Coleen this is also such a beautiful nurturing way to live and I know others feel it and can choose to align…
Yes well put Rebecca, especially that “any form of abuse or putting down is unacceptable.”
Yes Rebecca – we will actually lead by example. When we live in this way, everything else will just fall into line.
Yes Rebecca we can all make a difference by choosing to honour and respect ourselves first. We then cement the way forth for change.
I would have to agree that women themselves hold the key to changing the way we are defined in society. If we want to be valued and respected, we need to start first with treating ourselves this way on every level and then treating other women with the same level of regard. We also need to take responsibility for the fact that we keep certain industries ( like the women’s magazines that project a perfect image and keep us feeling not enough) in business. We continue to support this with our money, when we could easily vote with our feet and say no more.
So true Fiona. If we en masse stopped giving our money over to industries profiting from exploiting a way of being that harms both men and women we would see great positive changes throughout humanity. We all hold the key to making true change in our own lives, the lives of others and for all of humanity.
Tracy I just had this gorgeous picture of what you’ve presented here – women embracing themselves as they are and letting go of all of the things that aren’t really needed… and it was beuatiful!!! So much joy, freedom, love…
I absolutely agree with what you’re saying here Fiona. The abuse – and that’s what it really is – between women needs to stop and we can change this by making that change within ourselves, by being more loving towards ourselves and not allowing unloving behaviour from others.
Great awareness brought here CK and Fiona – how women view themselves and each other is key to changing how women are held in our societies. And great point Fiona – if women voted with their feet and didn’t buy the magazines or stopped viewing certain shows, this would make a difference. But first, women need to become aware that by engaging in this material they give their power away – they also need to be presented with another way of understanding what it is to be a woman. Which is why articles like this are so important.
Yes absolutely Deborah. I’ve been pondering on this lately. The abuse that exists between women and to ourselves is actually what allows abuse on a larger scale to be present. Women in situations of Domestic Violence – they don’t believe they are worthy of more. It feels like we as women need to take responsibility, in the most loving of ways, for deeply loving, nurturing and accepting ourselves so that we can say enough to the abuse.
I totally agree with what’s been shared here. As I read the article I could feel all the jealousy and comparison that seems to flow so readily amongst women. For me, it’s the driving force that keeps us small, separate and feeling inadequate.
I agree Fiona – when we value ourselves and respect ourselves – for who we ARE, not what we DO or LOOK like, then we won’t feel the need to indulge in those said industries… because we know that we are enough as we are.
Absolutely Fiona we are saying yes to everything that reflects the inner critic and self bashing monsters when we buy magazines that simply promote insecurity! It is like women are the worst masochists!
I agree Fiona, that women hold the key to changing how women are defined by society and by other women. Take the women’s magazines; it seems none of us are particularly happy with the articles and or images they portray. We’d prefer not to feel bad about ourselves because we don’t look like the (airbrushed) girl in the swimsuit. So why do we buy them? I reckon it would take one month of women refusing to buy such magazines for the companies to change tune and deliver something else. Perhaps we’ve settled for less.