Are Women Really Like That?

During a shared walk, a friend of mine mentioned that her son had visited with his new partner the previous evening. They had chatted for a while before the couple left and my friend, much to her horror, recollected that all the while, she had found herself running an internal dialogue about the attributes, physical and otherwise, of the young woman.

My friend was deeply shocked and explained that she had found herself engaging thoughts such as “her chin is a bit saggy”, “her complexion is sallow”, “her hips are bigger than her breasts” and “she is shy”. From there she had jumped to her own physical attributes and had made self-directed and critical comments such as “I’ve never liked the size of my hips, they’ve been the bane of my life”, etc. etc.

From my reaction (“I‘ve done that too!”) it seems as though it has become second-nature for women to size each other up, put each other under the microscope and relentlessly list all the perceived shortcomings. And equally as normal are apparently the cruel self-talk, the devastating self-criticism, the unachievable ideals and the bar that is forever raised higher in the pursuit of more, better, firmer, tauter, younger, fitter, curvier or flatter (depending); the list is endless.

Are Women Really Like That - Gossip Comparison July 2017

Are women really like that? Are real women like that?

What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?

I was in the company of a great number of true women at a wedding recently; they were everywhere and here is a thumbnail sketch of three of them:

  • the bride wasn’t there to outshine or out-glamour any other woman – but truly shiny and glowing she was, just like she usually is;
  • the best woman who walked arm in arm with the groom down the aisle was none other than his ex-wife, no less beautiful than the bride in her very own grace, poise and amazing ability to hold others;
  • the bridesmaid was sweetness and preciousness herself; assured, steady and ever so tenderly and attentively supportive in her role.

And there wasn’t any perfection in sight – the best woman and the groom walked back to fetch the rings that had been forgotten, no less at ease the second time than when they walked down the aisle the first time.

So what’s the difference between how these women held themselves and the comparison, judgment and petty jealousy described at the beginning?

These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost. They know and have claimed the fact that the beauty that shines forth from their eyes comes from within and is not something that can be acquired through money, sweat or competition.

Would it then be true to say that it is the relentless and brutal self-talk, fuelled by and coupled with the cult of perfectionism that make a woman lash out at other women? And before you think you’re off the hook, not saying it out loud is still lashing out as we castigate and chastise ourselves before we do it to another.

And if this is true – is it then not very clear where we need to start? It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.

By Gabriele Conrad, Goonellabah, NSW, Australia

For further inspiration:

What are the qualities of a true woman? Read Ariana’s experience of uncovering this for herself.

What’s the impact of perfectionism on our daily life, and is there another way?

Who creates the image of women? ‘Is it possible that being a woman means more than what you can do or the skill set that you hold?’

560 thoughts on “Are Women Really Like That?

  1. “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” Yes, this brutal internal voice is just as damaging and harm-full as the external voice, we simply pretend it is not because it is not as obvious to others.

  2. Comparison is addictive, it’s horrible and yet we keep doing it. As with anything I have let go of it comes from feeling how ugly it (comparison in this case) is and then asking myself what my responsibility is and letting my body answer that question, not the mind. Much simpler than trying to gather ‘willpower’.

    1. Agreed – willpower is short-lived, always at the expense of the being and the body and in truth, leads nowhere even though it might superficially look otherwise.

    2. Absolutely, willpower just buries the root cause and we find some other way to self-soothe and deal with the tension. Comparison is so painful on everyone because we have immense fury at ourselves for not making different decisions and yet we project that onto another at the decisions they have made.

  3. Yes indeed the choice to drop comparison and behold ourselves and others in the love that we are is a choice to stop reducing ourselves to something less than divine and preciousness that we are.

    1. When we do, we evolve as one and get to a cooperation and togetherness that has not been lived en masse on this earth before.

  4. This blog is very revealing Gabriele, thank you for shining a light on the comparison that can go on between women, the examples you have given to show it most certainly does not have to be that way.

  5. This shows there can be a difference in the quality a woman holds. It is so needed for us to appreciate this and the fact that we can all live in equality rather than in comparison – which I have been very good at as a woman.

  6. Self awareness is powerful. When we spot those moments of self or other criticism, we can press the pause button and reset the way we see ourselves and others. The more we love ourselves, the more accepting we are of self and others.

  7. An honest sharing Gabriel and one I can relate to as I’ve had those same mental images and internally criticised other women myself. This happens when we choose to stand apart and arrogantly from others: To truly love another is to connect to their essence and nothing else.

  8. A message has been coming through loud and clear to me lately is that if we do not claim ourselves, then we leave ourselves open to do so for us. An example, if I do not claim the fact that I am a sacred beautiful woman (as we all are) and live that – not in perfection – but to the best of my ability, then I leave myself open to the voices that state very clearly that I am not and that keep me anxious and in self-doubt and self-loathing.

  9. “What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?” A true women is one who truly loves herself unconditionally, whatever the life situations which may be playing out around her.

    1. And one who honours and moves from her innateness first and foremost before she attends to the matters of the world.

  10. We do indeed carry many brutal images of how we think we ourselves should be, and so of course then we apply that to others, hence that dreaded comparison we get into. Taking responsibility is addressing and not giving energy to those thoughts or images and building a loving and supportive relationship with ourselves.

    1. A very lonely and contracted state of being it is when we seek definition and delineation via the sold to us images and comparison with others. A prison of our own making that we have built and have the keys to though.

  11. “What is a real woman? Or better, what is a true woman?” – simply one who loves herself to love another woman as the same.

    1. Stunningly simple – self-love engenders love of others, it cannot but be like this. Or, put another way, love of others starts with love of self.

  12. Thank you Gabriele – a powerful exposure of the absolute brutality of lashing ourselves from the held beliefs and ideals stemming from perfectionism, criticism and judgement upon ourselves. If not stopped, we then act out our feelings of being imperfect on others. A vile and horrible cycle is perpetuated and the lie becomes deeply entrenched in our body.
    “Would it then be true to say that it is the relentless and brutal self-talk, fuelled by and coupled with the cult of perfectionism that make a woman lash out at other women? And before you think you’re off the hook, not saying it out loud is still lashing out as we castigate and chastise ourselves before we do it to another”.

  13. It is presented to me as a choice, As a woman do I harm or heal towards other women. Do I support women, or do I compare? It is so easy for women to slip into jealousy and comparison but in fact – what if we connected with the beauty that each woman brings and celebrate this first rather than treating each other like enemies. At the end of the day it is our choice on what we want the collective woman to represent.

  14. If competition alone was evil and harmful we would never seek it. And as competition is so common within society, often without any conscious awareness of the fact, shows that there must be a pay off, a form of satisfaction or benefit that is sought on some level within us from it. Looking at that and renouncing it is a great place to start with healing it in full.

  15. I agree, when i feel connected to myself, my body, to my beauty, wisdom and love.. i see and appreciate all this in other women. They inspire me. The comparison only comes in when i somehow (chose to) lose the connection and fill that space instead with the junk of self-critique. And when that junk is coming in I know I have to get back to myself as soon as I can and clear it before it starts to rot. The whiff of comparison is not pleasant at all; but the scent of focused self-love is like a beautiful rose flower.

    1. Self-love affords spaciousness and joy whereas comparison and jealousy engender narrowness, both physical and mental.

      1. Jealousy and comparison hurt all – first the one in whom it festers and then the one it is directed at.

      2. I can feel what you’ve shared in my body Gabriele, that when we go into comparison and jealousy our body compresses in on itself, our eyes narrow, our mouth tightens and our shoulders roll in. And yet when we are feeling spacious and joyful our bodies open up, our shoulders drop back, our mouth relaxes and our eyes light up.

  16. We need to set new standards and treat each others with respect and decency first and foremost, the way comparison and jealousy has been circulating for centuries shows how far women have strayed from a connection to their sacredness and divinity, for when this is lived there is simply no room for these unloving ways.

  17. Today in a presentation of Universal Medicine we talked about our addictions. Not just the ones we have with food an drinks etc but also other forms of addiction. All in which we are addicted to level with a lower vibration. So also comparing is for example an energy with a certain vibration. This vibration brings us down. We do that deliberately to keep us small. So we don’t have to do where we are here for.

  18. Great call for women to re-connect to their sacredness and release the devastating self criticism along with the comparison and jealousy between women that has dogged us all for so many lifetimes.

    1. It feels like a question of self-worth and the activation of this quality by way of movement, in every moment. With self-worth, there is not ever any comparison, leave alone outright jealousy as we know that every one of us contributes her particular nuance and angle to the all we are but a part of.

  19. I wonder how often we as women do not even question if the thoughts that we have about eachother – the critical judging thoughts – are natural to us as women.

    1. In my experience we don’t question this rubbish and think it’s nornal. But it hurts us first before we hurt others.

  20. Sometimes we judge before we can even think! We look at someone and the judgments are there based on the way they look. But if our attention is with ourselves and the love that we are carrying, when we then receive another person all we see is that love, and judgment doesn’t come into it.

  21. Yes, our beauty is from within, ‘These women are examples of living the connection to their inner-most, their essence and inner beauty, regardless of outer looks, of facial features or anything other than the sacredness they hold as women inside their body, first and foremost.’

  22. The ‘you’ we have got comfortable with is not who we truly are. We can stay with this familiar tyrant or step into the unknown. The great thing to remember is that underneath it all – we do absolutely know the truth of our essence.

  23. It feels so horrible to be on the receiving end of judgment, and it feels no better when we are the ones who are judging. It is a narrow mindedness that does nothing for anyone, and actually aids in making us very unattractive, which again invites more judgment. If we open our minds and our hearts and keep our focus and attention on ourselves instead of looking out and pointing the finger at others we then have more of a chance of remaining loving and allowing our inner glow which radiates out and invites others to do the same. Why would we want to deny ourselves or others that?

    1. The hardness of the body that comes with judging, whether others or ourselves, is a killer of true beauty, ease and harmony in the body and facial features.

  24. All big issues in the world can only change when we ourselves are going to make this change in ourselves because without living it ourselves first we can never make true change in the world. It is just fooling ourselves that we are doing something when we shout for change in the world if we are not willing to live it ourselves.

    1. Talking the talk doesn’t achieve anything, just more of the same. Walking the talk is what changes everything, by reflection alone.

  25. “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” beautifully expressed Gabriele, a call to look deeper within at my own self thoughts and judgments which effect my own sense of worthiness.

    1. Everything matters, whether out loud or silently to ourselves – and with the latter, the barbs are particularly vicious and often, unrelenting.

  26. “…It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in; it starts on the inside by rediscovering and claiming our sacredness and the responsibility that women carry to get us all out of the brutality of our created images and the obscenity of giving voice to them, whether out loud or silently against ourselves.” Words of Gold. If we carry ourselves with grace there is no room for petty or harsh thoughts to enter, towards ourselves of anyone else.

  27. Very beautiful Gabriele. When we as women live in connection to who we are in essence we realise that we are one and the same, simply expressing our divine beauty, our sacredness through our differently constellated bodies, but all with the equal purpose to reflect the magnificence of who we are. As such how could we ever be in competition, comparison, jealousy with or judge a light that shines in honor of us all.

    1. Nearly, but not quite utopian – meaning that we have a go way to go to get back to where we once were.

  28. Whatever is there in front of me is a reflection, so what I choose to see eg. the beauty (which, as I write I get a sense of this quality comes first) or allow the movement of criticism to then enter, then that is what I choose to see and carry out towards myself. My awareness has deepened, setting a new marker within my body, claiming the truth that to truly love another, I first must love myself.

  29. By what is described in the first instance, it suggests we get a lot out of harming ourselves and each other. Perhaps this is our way of calling in the exact opposite of what is possible to occur between 2 women – absolute support and harmony.

    1. Living the absolute opposite of the innate level of love and nurturing that resides in all women is an attack on ourselves and others. Anything less than offering the grandness of where we are from is living less than we truly are.

  30. It is interesting how we judge beauty from a person’s physical looks, when the true beauty of a person comes from the inside out, it is not until we become at ease with ourselves and truly connect from within that we start to value our own beauty and then the beauty of others can be equally seen and felt so clearly.

    1. The judgment of other women on account of their beauty or lack thereof is a direct reflection of how we judge ourselves. We then compare ourselves with the woman and either put her above or below in these beauty stakes.

      1. I agree Gabriele and it also cements the false ideal that our physicality is merely what life is all about, and only is what determines our worth and value amongst us. When in truth our connection to our essence is where we truly begin to discover who we are and that our beauty emanates though our bodies when we live in honor of this.

      2. And being outwardly beautiful, one’s physique in other words, is then an added bonus and a reflection of the inner depth and not a mere facade with empty eyes, hollow eye sockets, gaunt looks and an air of desperation.

  31. Our internal self-talk can be very damaging, I am sure that pretty much no one has ever spoken to me as rough as I have spoken to myself, so hard and judgemental, I used to kick myself when I was down so to speak a double sabotage…how we are with ourselves is how we are with others….so how responsible are we with our interactions…I would say we need to look at how we are with ourselves first, concerning the quality relationships we have with others.

  32. I love this line: “It starts with us and the worthiness we hold ourselves in” – it’s true it does start with us, and while we are constantly focusing, or criticising, or comparing to others we are putting off this crucial fact – that change begins with us and our relationship with ourselves.

  33. Not just Women to Women, men do the same to women, to men and Women to men also. There is an inherent lack of appreciation for others and ourselves which in Truth appreciation is a natural part of our relationship with ourselves, the natural soulful state.

  34. It also asks us as women to start loving our own body in the way at is and to see the parts that we do not like is because there we see the quality of energy that we used during the day when we didn’t honor ourselves.
    It is the energy we do not like to see as it confronts us with our choices more then exactly how we look as a body image.
    It upsets us but we do not change the dishonoring behaviors.
    But how beautiful when we do start to make different choices, the true beauty is emanating from the body, the glow is felt and seen in the face.

  35. We have accepted the constant comparison so much so that we see it as a normal in our lives and cannot see that it actually keeps us away from each other and lonely because even though we might claim someone to be our dearest and best friend, in truth we are in constant competition with each other.
    Yes, we need to break through this pattern and start to bring our focus to the sweetness we see in each other and to allow ourselves to build from this truth, in other words let our hearts speak again, otherwise we will forever be lost in the coldness of the many images we think how we need to be.

  36. What is the benefit of all this criticism? There has to be a big benefit, otherwise why engage in such devastating behaviour?

    1. Yes, great question – what is the pay-off for the critical stance, the comparison and the jealousy? Is it that we know that we are capable of great things but choose to forsake them in favour of being comfortable and go unnoticed? And that it is then seemingly easier to blame and critique others rather than ponder on one’s own choices? Is that another choice to stay in comfort and within the bounds of circulation energy?

    2. There is no benefit for our soul Christoph but our spirit has a field day! Identification for the spirit is everything and so what could be better than to see a fellow brother as a competitor and to put them down, how satisfying for the spirit to judge and criticise someone that deep down it knows is simply another aspect of itself. Attack and defend are almost permanent pastimes of our spirit. Our soul on the other hand never enters into any such games as it knows and sees everyone as aspects of the One Unified Self.

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