by Elena Light, London, UK
I was contracted for so long… And I cannot be any more.
That’s what I felt for very long while reading sensible and beautiful posts of other women. I can relate to everything everyone wrote, some more than others, even though sometimes I need to keep my dictionary nearby.
I grow up in the Soviet Union with centuries old believes about women, men and relationships. In that society was absolutely normal to live with a drinking man if he doesn’t beat his wife. If he does drink and abuses but brings money and ‘loves’ her and children it still would be better than being alone. There was, and still is, saying “not the best but my own”. And being married is absolute MUST.
From my early years I saw my grandmother being very patient with her husband drinking; my mother had two husbands, both alcoholics and violent. So from this age my idea of love was patience and sacrifice.
I was a really cute and lovely little girl and everyone treated me like a pretty doll rather than a human being. People around me knew nothing about Love (as I know it now), so they can’t teach me how to be a loving woman. Instead I was always compared to some other children – how much better they are doing in music, sport, at school. I remember how much it hurt and how early I started experiencing lack of self-worth and work really hard to prove otherwise. I been doing very well at school, took part in all competitions even though it felt awful in my body.
Meanwhile, my mother was constantly looking for another man and I spent long hours being alone, crying and worrying about her.
I left home being 17 for university in another town, and there I began my ‘free’ life. To burst my self-worth I became kind of sex bomb. I could have any man I wanted but it didn’t give me any satisfaction. I was so empty that any amount of vodka and men couldn’t fill up this emptiness… but it contributed dramatically to self-abuse, disregard and self-loathing (not just self-worth).
As prescribed by unwritten Soviet law, I got married at the end of my university to a ‘normal’ man, a fellow student, nothing special, but not drinking, provider, a ‘family guy’ type, and had a boy. We moved to another part of the country for work and better living conditions. I was so lonely there without friends and family so the easiest way for me was to have an affair. I hurt and abused myself and my ex-husband so much just because I didn’t know how to be me. (Women can be and are sometimes even more abusive than men). I was never enough. After twenty years of ups and downs in a ‘boring’ empty existence I left him. It wasn’t any love or respect for each other and I felt that my children would be better off growing without false sense of family, pretense and lies.
All my ill choices and momentums came to apogee (a head) when I decided to marry a Yorkshireman whom I met in Russia. He was so lost and unhappy (I thought) that the only woman who can bring him love and happiness was ME! (I know…). And the need to be accepted, and loved made me totally blind and unreasonable. Only when I moved to London with my two children and 11 bags of belongings I realised that he is a drug addict, playboy, heavy porn user and really violent man… not to mention stingy. But my lack of self worth and strong belief that my ‘love’ will change him took me as far as broken ribs, concussion and being almost killed. I didn’t report him to police because I was afraid that he will lose his job as a psychiatric nurse. Instead I become homeless. It was very learning time for me. What I found was that:
First of all I had to make some very unloving choices to be with a violent person.
Also in order to defend myself I thought I needed to attack back (the same with others when they feel violated in any way, shape or form) – but it was just because I didn’t know who I am.
I can stop abuse by choice, not being abusive to myself, and by letting others know that any kind of abuse from them is not tolerated.
It took me long time and a lot of work (and money) to learn the hard way what is naturally mine – Love.
To find Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine team after all this is truly amazing! I never met anyone who is so loving, transparent and clear. Their level of commitment and dedication to themselves and humanity is so high and unique. And even though I am far from perfect and it is long way to go, I am willing to be open and learn to be more loving to myself and everyone / everything around.