As the story below shows, when comparison plays out between mothers and daughters, it creates a legacy that keeps women small, stunted and locked in worthlessness for generations.
Recently, a friend shared how her daughter-in-law to be was a beautiful young woman inside and out, but her mother was a little wacky. The three women went together to the bridal dress fitting and when the young bride-to-be drew the curtain back, it was breathtaking to behold her beauty – the glow and delicateness of her; she was gorgeous. My friend noticed how the young woman’s eyes went straight to her mother. When her mother remained silent, the young woman asked “Well, what do you think?” and the mother answered, “If you like it then that’s all that matters”. Born of comparison and jealousy, this comment was designed to crush.
Have we not all done some version of this to another woman, and been on the receiving end of it ourselves?
Between mothers and daughters there can be an even deeper crushing – aren’t mothers supposed to love their daughters? But mothers are women first and if a woman has lost her connection to her own worth and beauty, then comparison is her constant companion.
Withholding acknowledging the beauty, the amazingness we register in another woman, leaves a gap that if not for a strong sense of self worth, is easily filled with self doubt, confusion, sadness, and feelings of being invisible, not good enough or wrong somehow.
Comparison teaches us to not value ourselves.
Whenever we lose the connection to our own gorgeousness we are at the mercy of what does, (or does not) come from other women – mothers, daughters, sisters, aunties, grandmothers, friends, teachers, colleagues – and the world at large. When our sense of self worth is only as good as our last compliment or the last approving glance, word or touch, we are at the mercy of the world.
Our true legacy as women is restored when we break the cycle of comparison between mothers and daughters, and all the women in our lives. When we connect to our innate value and worth, to the absolute preciousness we are and knowing it in every cell of our body, we come to understand that the only person who can make us feel less, see ourselves as less, or live less than who we are, is us. Loving who we are inside means we no longer need to use comparison to hold us back and the enormity of what we can bring to each other and the world by simply being and treasuring the women we are, will become what flows from one generation to the next.
Inspired by the Esoteric Women’s Health presentations of Jenny Ellis, Rebecca Poole and Mary Louise Myers.
By Adrienne Hutchins, BEd, Brisbane, Australia
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“Whenever we lose the connection to our own gorgeousness we are at the mercy of what does, (or does not) come from other women”. Nurturing our relationship with ourselves is so vital, I can see I still have work to do here to strengthen my own inner connection and nestle into how solid it is despite what might be going on around me. Thanks Adrienne, a great article on comparison and many beautiful gems of wisdom shared.
When comparing to another person we are crushing ourselves into tiny little pieces. Thinking that other people are better than you or worth more instantly indicates that you are less, worth – less etc. This is a heavy burden to walk with, one which can leave us feeling powerless for a long time.
Not nice to feel the jealousy of anyone let alone your own mother but it happens so much more then we dare admit.
Appreciation of yourself allows you to appreciate others.
It is such a richness to see every woman as a gift to meet. We all express something else. All together we are of such a power. We can see he beauty of the other and feel how this adds to the beauty of the whole and be inspired to learn from certain reflections we did not claim in full yet in ourselves.
“Our true legacy as women is restored when we break the cycle of comparison between mothers and daughters, and all the women in our lives” wise wise words Mary-Louise. If we let ourselves feel it, we know there is a depth there between women that is exquisite.
No matter what we think we should be, if we are not living with our connection to ourselves we are at the mercy of out there, and comparison is very much a part of that; living connected to the inner core each of us carries provides a platform for all of us to live this in the world.
When we have comparison or jealousy coming our way it is not for us to diminish our light but to hold ourselves in the love we are; they then get offered an opportunity to sense where they are at.
This issue cripples society and holds back women from reaching their potential, constant comparison and belittling, no self worth, equals no empowerment. This is an observation well worth truly considering and pondering….how much can we as women shift the dynamic of inequality in the world?
Comparison is indeed an intergenerational issue that scars women just as family violence and abuse can do. It may not seem as extreme, but it sends a clear message that it’s not safe to be yourself, to shine as a woman. What we need is for new generations of mums to break this pattern so our girls can flourish as women.
Anything less than love offered to one another gives permission for all the self – doubt and mind games to commence.
Comparison cannot flourish without the oxygen of lack of self worth, when we re-connect to our innate essence we release ourselves from the prison of comparison and give ourselves a foundation of our own value that supports us and reflects itself in all our relationships.
I agree Adrienne .. when you do not have a foundation that is appreciative and loving of your qualities first and foremost, and then building on them into how you innately express these qualities in the way you know they need to be you will be wanting recognition, then compare and inevitably be jealous. An evil tale right there!
‘Our true legacy as women is restored when we break the cycle of comparison between mothers and daughters, and all the women in our lives.’ Spot on Adrienne, this should be on billboards and a bumper sticker for the world to see, for if this was understood and lived true Sacredness would be a normal way of being for us all.
Building and living with a strong foundation of love is supportive in many ways, ‘When we connect to our innate value and worth, to the absolute preciousness we are and knowing it in every cell of our body, we come to understand that the only person who can make us feel less, see ourselves as less, or live less than who we are, is us.’
mothers are a constant reflection to their daughters. Showing them what it is to live in a way where we are confident, don’t hold back, express, are powerful and take the time to support and nurture ourselves. Or – the opposite is shown – a mother who puts others first, resents her role, is jealous, and is not a role model. I am learning to be the former with my daughter – to support her by first loving me.
The tension sensed amongst women is not because of her looks or the shape of her body but her self-worth and the love she has for herself.
How evil is comparison, ‘when comparison plays out between mothers and daughters, it creates a legacy that keeps women small, stunted and locked in worthlessness for generations.’
An ounce of comparison has us not appreciating the exquisite love we all have on offer to share.
I get this sense of these grand giant beings of absolutely beauty and grace getting distracted by a small inconsequential fly coming along to bother them and they all look to each other for the fault….”Our true legacy as women is restored when we break the cycle of comparison between mothers and daughters, and all the women in our lives.” We have everything at hand, and we allow ourselves to look at what is not it and attack one another with that. Yes time to live our true birth right and legacy as women.
These fly by’s are just that flying by’s. It is our choice to take stock as is passes by or choose to taken on board what is not natural to our natural in any way.
Absolutely we allow ourselves to be pulled away from our innate sense of our own and others’ beauty and become isolated rather than supporting each other to celebrate our gorgeousness.
Depending on the world to give us our worth is a plague among women. Taking us out one by one and stopping us from seeing the beauty and the power that we each hold.
A topic that often has us shaking our heads in ill truths but a stark reminder that when we choosing to give our power away anything is possible.
“Whenever we lose the connection to our own gorgeousness we are at the mercy of what does, (or does not) come from other women – mothers, daughters, sisters, aunties, grandmothers, friends, teachers, colleagues – and the world at large.” True. Allowing ourselves the grace to be who we naturally are – not giving our power away. When others say hurtful things it is often because they feel ‘less than’ and are trying to boost their own low self-esteem.
I have witnessed and experienced comparison in obvious ways and subtle ways between mothers and daughters and it really is such a destructive path to choose. I have also witnessed and experienced when there is none and there is such a lightness to the relationship that gives space of each other to simple be who they are.
Having just read the blog with a letter from mothers to teenage daughters, offering to heal relationships that were not fully loving, this blog presents one of the big things that gets in the way of a relationship between mothers and daughters. Comparison and jealousy at this very early stage in a girl’s life can set her up to avoid shining her light, beauty, preciousness in order to avoid this energy. Acknowledging this energy at any age can begin to heal the hurt we feel as girls.
There have been so many times in my life where I have compared myself to other women (and men for that matter). The feeling of not being enough, that other people are more knowledgable and better suited for something I have found is just an excuse that I use to keep myself tiny and to not take on the leadership role. By doing so, I wouldn’t have to be responsible for leading people, taking charge, or doing anything that is outside of my comfort zone. Yet, I create a huge emptiness inside – one that gets very quickly filled up with jealousy of others who are making different choices.
It is so true that it is often the unsaid things that can be the most crushing- like the comment above where the truth was held back. I experienced something similar at work when I returned from a holiday and could feel the jealousy of some other women, they walked past me joking with each other and ignored my presence- I could feel it was a direct response to some changes I had made that brought up something for them.
The comment that this woman made to her daughter is extremely sad and also sadly very common. All women should be celebrated in their beauty. Very sad that the mother in this story has never been confirmed in her own beauty so was unable to confirm her daughter in hers.
Our every comment and move inspires the next. So, is what we let through designed to care and support or cut others down or keep them away? These seemingly subtle things we say are the building blocks of our life. So better to build a body of love than a wall to keep others out. Thank you Adrienne.
“if a woman has lost her connection to her own worth and beauty, then comparison is her constant companion.” This is huge and here in lies the fact how the image industry is worth trillions of dollars.
The insidious subtly of jealousy is a poisonous weapon that seeks to crush the light in another, so they question shining in all their brilliance, a weapon that is designed to divide and conquer loving connections that serve to inspire and encourage each other be more of all that we so naturally are.
It is devastating to feel what comparison does to others and ourselves it is a poison like no other. I haven’t really let myself feel fully when I am in this energy and that in itself is irresponsible as until we fully feel something we won’t fully deal with it. There is much to unpack and ultimately the way forward is loving myself in full.
“When comparison plays out between mothers and daughters, it creates a legacy that keeps women small, stunted and locked in worthlessness for generations”. This comparison and jealousy plays a big part in women keeping themselves small. We do this to avoid jealous comments and looks, which creates mistrust, competition and the lack of connection that is naturally ours to have when women come together.
Comparison is born from separation. For how could love ever look at love and not love it? Thus, it is our withdrawal from the love that we are that makes us compare ourselves to another and perceive them to be different, as if we are not both infused with the one and same love that lives deep within us all.
It is amazing to see what the effect is when we stop with comparing ourselves with other women and give ourselves the space to enjoy and appriciate ourselves. Directly all daily experiences start to shift, everything comes more joyfull.
There’s something so key in what is shared here, it is not about fixing the comparison but about connecting back to ourselves and in that we are able to see and view the world differently, without this we’re always at the play of comparison with others. And of course taking it to another level, it’s to address those moments where we do loose ourselves and come back each and every time, and as we honour and build a consistency with this we are ourselves and a part of breaking the cycle of that comparison and jealousy that has ruled use for aeons.
Comparison and jealousy are poison in our body and when we speak with comparison and jealousy we are shooting poison arrows.
Let us now forget that the same applies to our thoughts or the thoughts we think we are choosing.
Isn’t it interesting how words can be used to crush and even dismantle a person in their most vulnerable state or place of being. And I wonder how this ever came to be an acceptable way of communicating with eachother and how, through our parenting and education we ever allowed this to be a part of our societies.
Because we have not yet collectively dealt with the big hurt that fuels all our jealousies and comparisons with each other and that is simply that we miss the love that we are because we are not allowing ourselves to express it openly.
One question is: What is the benefit for the daughter that makes her continue asking her mother for feedback when the mother’s feedback is the way the article describes it?
“if a woman has lost her connection to her own worth and beauty, then comparison is her constant companion.” Very true, when I don’t feel connected to myself and thus not truly sure about myself I am comparing myself constantly and it is very crushing indeed if I let that go on.
But isn’t it true that a daughter also should not be existing under the need for her mother’s love that anyone in this world actually have to one day understand that only our own love within can truly confirm us? So no matter what our family or loved ones say, if we can still behold and appreciate ourselves then this is the reflection we are sharing back to them, that love is love.
There is a lot of comparison and competition within families, we do not like to look at it or be honest about it because it can hurt to realise that your sister, mother, auntie etc does not have your back, or does not really appreciate you but sees you as a threat, someone who they need to beat or do better than. The truth is that lots of women do this with other women, it serves us well to be honest about where our relationships are at with others, whether we think less or more of ourselves or them -then we have something we can work for, this is one the main reasons that women are disempowered, in fighting and lack of support for one another.
Sadly a lot of parents, parent their children by this mechanism , making sure the child always seeks approval , that way the mother or father will always feel wanted or needed.
So true, my supervisor talked to me about the jealousy mothers often feel towards their daughters for having more opportunities than they did. I have a daughter and it is very pertinent to be aware of any unconscious jealousy that may occur like the example you give. If we let these things be buried they fester and that is just plain dangerous!
I was sharing with my daughter yesterday how I felt my challenging relationship with my mother had affected my mothering and whilst she acknowledged this she pointed out my tendency to focus on what I felt I had got wrong rather than appreciating the many things that I had done well. I felt the equality in our relationship and how this is a great antidote to any comparison and jealousy that presents. I have always encouraged her to be true to herself even when I found her resulting choices challenging and I now feel how supportive her innate mothering is.
Comparison is something that is soon deeply ingrained in us as we started at such a young age to look outside of ourselves thinking we were not enough. When we start to re-program the way we think and the thoughts that we have back to our initial feelings as we once did. When we value our feelings and the preciousness that oozes within do we leave comparison at the door.