Women, Comparison & Love

by Anonymous

Having grown up with 3 sisters, I know all about comparison and jealousy and competing for attention… And I know all about covering things up with niceties, manners and politeness when presenting to the rest of the world, yet knowing full well the feelings that are underlying between us.

When I reflect now, it’s sad to feel the way that we were with each other and in some ways, still are. How is it that 5 beautiful women (including my mum) were all living in the same house and, for a lot of the time, there were unspoken resentments, jealousies and judgments towards one another. It’s been hard to admit, but if I am really honest, that is the truth. And I played a full part in that. It is painful to feel that I measured myself constantly with my sisters and also with my parent’s expectations. Instead of expressing and getting it all out there in the open, we tended to hold things in and keep it all under lock and key, letting it all build up – with the inevitable emotional explosions from time to time. And all the while, so often our words and actions were laced with the insidiousness of anger, frustration or disappointment under the guise of ‘politeness’ or ‘niceness’.

Growing up, it was instilled in us that we were to be polite, use our manners, be good girls, be kind and always put someone else before yourself. I had a bit of an issue with all of this from an early age. Although I would conform, most of the time (until the rebellion) I felt very deep inside me that something here wasn’t quite right for me. There was a lot that didn’t feel true, that was tainted by a glossy layer. This would keep us from really getting to the crux of it all – to what was really going on.

With four girls, body image was huge in our house. Even though it may not have been stated aloud, we were all measuring our looks, our shapes and our weight against each other. There was a time when I would look at myself in the mirror and really hate what I saw: I was too fat, not pretty-enough and too short. I played around a little with not eating and trying to throw up my food (although this didn’t ever last for very long)… all for the purpose of being thin, because I thought that being thin was beautiful.

So the question still remains; how is it that four beautiful girls can grow up in the same house and be this way with each other? I guess, given the way society is and the media onslaught that is there right from the word go, the question could also be; how can 4 girls grow up together in a house and be any other way? I think there would be very few women in the world who could say that they have grown up without experiencing comparison and jealousy – whether it be with sisters, family or friends. This has been my experience, not just within family but with women out in the world, too. Although it is a super diligent practice of mine to stop it and deal with it whenever it arises, I can still find myself comparing or sometimes even criticising other women… and I can also feel women doing it to me. Maybe my sisters would say that it wasn’t the case, but I would say that I can still feel it happening between us today, and we are all grown women! It’s fascinating really: why can we not just see each other for the amazing beauty that we are, and leave it at that? What is it about us that thinks that we need to be better than another, or thinks that another is better than us – or that we are lesser? And why do we pretend that it is not happening when clearly it is? I heard someone say once that comparison and jealousy is like poison in your body, and that is exactly what it feels like.

Through Natalie Benhayon’s Esoteric Women’s Presentations, I have been able to work through this and get to see what kind of ‘pictures’ I have conjured up about how and what a woman ‘should’ be. I began to understand how I had taken on a multitude of ideals about what I needed to do and how I needed to be in the world. Growing up, I learned (along with many others) that it was about what I ‘did’ that got me the recognition that I was searching for – and that simply ‘being’ me was not quite enough. So of course I am looking ‘out there’ to measure how well I am doing, or how much better I need to be.

And of course, what I took on from my parents and those around me were things that they took on from their parents and those around them and so it goes on… I could see the pattern and I could feel the effect that it would have on my body if I continued to live it all out.

So why was it then, when I did get the recognition that I so desperately craved, that there was still something missing, that it never quite hit the spot? Through my experience with Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health, I now understand what it was that I was really searching for. The recognition I received never really truly did it for me because what I was looking for was not ‘out there’. I was craving my own recognition of myself – to actually take the time to be with me, to see me, to feel me and feel how lovely I am. It was my own emptiness of that love for myself that kept me wanting or needing it to come from somewhere outside… and that kept me thinking that I need to compete with other women to get it. Now I know this to be an absolute lie. There is no competition, only the love that is unwaveringly there within each and every one of us. And now, as I appreciate and enjoy this loveliness in me, it is such a joy to truly appreciate the unique expression and loveliness in another woman… such a joy!

So what is this loveliness? For me it is something deep within, a feeling that is so very familiar and so very beautiful, very much like a coming home. It is a tenderness with myself that allows me to just let go and not need anything from anyone, yet it stays open with everyone.

Before, I would disregard this loveliness and put others before me; now I honour myself and the love that I am so I can share more of myself with them. Before, I would push through and just keep going; now I listen to my body and feel what is truly needed. Before, I would feel that I wasn’t enough and that I needed to do and be more; now I am finding it easier and easier to just be with myself in all that I do, knowing that it is all of me doing it and this feels so lovely. Before, I would more often make another better than me or strive within myself to be as good as, or better than, another. Now, I see how ridiculous this is and can now appreciate the very special gift that is in our unique and very individual expressions… all of which are not comparable!

My relationships with my sisters, my mother and all women are continually unfolding into ones that are so much more open, honest and truly loving. As I am able to be more of me and claim the tender and loving woman that I am, I know I can be more of that with them also. My sisters and my mother are all very beautiful and truly amazing women whom I love dearly. Given our history and the backlog of ‘un-saids’ and half-truths, I don’t think I could have stated this with such sincerity and love before I had found the same beauty within myself first.

387 thoughts on “Women, Comparison & Love

  1. Comparison is such a killer, what is shocking is that most of the world are so unaware that comparison and jealousy are 1. that harmful and 2. how rife this debilitating emotion is.

  2. The quickest and easiest way to get out of jealousy is to move differently, straighten your posture and align again to the stars.

  3. Connecting to our own beauty and appreciating it then expands our appreciation of all other women and once we let go of the protection built up because we fear we are not enough we become more open with others and allow for the blossoming of beautiful relationships.

  4. To hold another woman in awe, to our own detriment, harms both self and another. When we look at another, glorify their attributes, yet cannot see our own, it signals a lack of self worth. To truly heal, first bring attention tenderly back to self, deeply love and honour who we are, and dismantle all previously held beliefs about ourselves. In Oneness, we’re all equally grand, beautiful and precious, with no need to compete or feel less than another.

  5. Finding and cherishing that love in us first is the key to seeing it in all others. It’s within each of us, and the more we live it, the more we give others the space to do the same.

  6. We have amazing opportunities to be inspired by one another and use the reflections from one another to help us evolve and grow – instead of cutting each other down, and getting ahead at the expense of each other. When we start to appreciate and understand what it is that we bring that offers evolution and growth to another, so we open up to the learning offered back through their reflections.

    1. Using the reflection of another as a point of inspiration, means we all grow together. Anything less keeps us in the same place, often holding bitter resentments.

  7. ‘And why do we pretend that it is not happening when clearly it is?’ The belief that it is wrong or shameful to feel jealous of another we can hold in our body can be so embedded in our consciousness. The jealousy is there but we can swear blind that it is not. It can take many, many lifetimes to let go of what we think is true to be in the absolute honesty with where we at.

  8. This pattern, of not being enough and having to do more and more, is so big in many women, and one that I used to have, great to call it out and choose to let it go, ‘Before, I would push through and just keep going; now I listen to my body and feel what is truly needed. Before, I would feel that I wasn’t enough and that I needed to do and be more; now I am finding it easier and easier to just be with myself in all that I do, knowing that it is all of me doing it and this feels so lovely’.

    1. Having been ill for several weeks recently I have become aware of this on another level and have been listening to my body in a way that I never have before and it feels so lovely and spacious and I keep remembering that I am enough before I do anything which relieves the tension of trying.

  9. Lovely to read how you now enjoy your own loveliness, and have let go of this old pattern, ‘The recognition I received never really truly did it for me because what I was looking for was not ‘out there’. I was craving my own recognition of myself – to actually take the time to be with me, to see me, to feel me and feel how lovely I am. It was my own emptiness of that love for myself that kept me wanting or needing it to come from somewhere outside…’.

  10. We all are divine so, why do we push so hard? what makes us feel not good enough the most part of the time? for sure anything that makes us feel less or more in comparison of others is not love. This blog feels very supportive to read, it inspires me to keep on developing a more loving relationship with myself, to holding me in love which melts any hardness or contraction in my body from my past choices.

  11. At work sometimes I can see the competition that plays out between my colleagues. It is felt in little details like certain tones of voice, sarcasm or in some gazes. All occurs in an instant – behind a politeness that never would be questioned – but creates a configuration in the office that is far away from brotherhood. I’m learning that my job is to remain steady in my body to read what’s going on with no reaction. This simple choice is supporting me to build a deeper sense of who I really am and to bring the true me not just there but everywhere.

  12. So worthwhile reading, I often feel jeslous and in comparison and it is without a doubt poison to my mind and my body. The developing of my relationship with myself is key to shifting from the empty looking outward to looking within.

  13. How important it is to have role models from young that encourage us to connect to the beauty within us and not be looking outside for our sense of value or worth. Everyone has their own expression and flavour to bring to the world and it is something I now appreciate greatly in my family of women. We inspire each other and support one another to embrace this.

  14. Appreciation of ourselves is very important, it is when we lack the self appreciation and self love, that we compare and judge others, simply due to our own emptiness.

  15. When we allow the poison of jealously and comparison to sully our love for another, it would be wise to consider this as a big wake up call to take a look in our own back garden and see where we are lacking in appreciation of the quality we ourselves were born to share.

  16. Which brings it back to the importance of loving ourselves first, ‘It was my own emptiness of that love for myself that kept me wanting or needing it to come from somewhere outside… and that kept me thinking that I need to compete with other women to get it.’

  17. One of the most inspiring presentations I ever saw was when Natalie presented alongside another women and they shared on this topic and how there was the potential for it in their relationship but they never went there, they always reflected on what the other offered them and then used this to inspire themselves. It was awesome to feel how we all reflect something to each other and it is for us to learn from one another not feel less for something we may have not yet developed.

  18. Searching outside of ourselves for our own beauty will never satisfy – it is only when we choose to appreciate the beauty and tenderness of our essence that we can let go of expectations and build true relationships with other women free of jealousy and comparison.

  19. “I was craving my own recognition of myself – to actually take the time to be with me, to see me, to feel me and feel how lovely I am.” I have found that to take that time to be with me can be very quick to feel how lovely I am, so quick it’s instant and goes against the belief/want to work hard or struggle to receive my loveliness. But this loveliness isn’t something I can work hard for, it’s already within me.

    1. Beautiful Leigh. It feels so simple what you shared here. It is not about working hard but simply coming back to just being.

  20. I agree it is important to appreciate ourselves and others, our uniqueness, how we all bring something different to the world, ‘and can now appreciate the very special gift that is in our unique and very individual expressions… all of which are not comparable!’

  21. This is something that I am observing within myself at the moment, it is really uncomfortable to feel the level of interference these thoughts have with how I feel about myself and then how I relate with all others. I was not aware of the degree to which it is there and how I constantly set myself up to play less than others and then the fury that I go into when I am treated in this way- it is a self fulfilling prophecy and one that does not work.

  22. If we could just bring ourselves in our love and nothing else in connection with other women, there would be no need for comparison or jealousy because we would each equally feel amazing and just want to share that amazing just in how we move and express, just as naturally as breathing.

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