What’s in a relationship, who leads, and how or with what do they lead?
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and used to blame him for quite a list of things, such as not being emotionally supportive, not understanding me, and not giving me what I thought I needed. I pretended to accept things as they were, even though I was secretly fuming with a poisonous resentment that was eating away at me and draining my energy. Like some kind of self-appointed martyr I assumed that I was always the one leading the way, moving us forward, pulling us up. I kept going round and round in a never-ending maze of mental confusion, wondering how I could ‘solve’ our relationship, as if it were an emotional crossword, the key to which always felt just out of my reach. If only I could spend every hour while I was asleep – as well as the daylight hours – thinking about it, then surely I could solve it, I thought to myself over and over. I went and spoke to counsellors, supposedly taking responsibility but subtly blaming my partner, and always frustrated at having to solve ‘our relationship’ by myself. But the relationship with me was where I needed to start…
Sorting Myself Out and Looking Within
As it turns out, there was no solving or fixing to be done – not mentally, at least. It sounds crazy to me now, but at the time I couldn’t see that first of all I needed to sort myself out – the last place on Earth I’d thought to look, because in my arrogance, I’d assumed I was getting along just fine: I wasn’t dying or debilitated by disease. But if I’d come down from my head and mental thoughts and into my body and feelings, I could have seen all the evidence telling me that, actually, things weren’t so great with me – and maybe that’s where I should start. For starters I felt just how anxious I was most of the time, but just thought that anxiety was who I was; part of my identity and something I’d have to put up with and learn to manage. I felt so sensitive and kept wishing other people would stop reacting so I wouldn’t have to react to their reactions! I was exhausting myself trying to perfect and control my external environment so that I could feel less stressed out. I only ever seemed to feel amazing when I’d done a brilliant piece of work, or was complimented on what I was wearing when I’d made the effort to dress up.
When I abandoned myself in stressful situations and let myself be owned and run by anxiety, I expected my partner to step in and rescue me, and got upset when he stood strong and didn’t pander to my emotional dramas. Now, finally, I’m beginning to take responsibility for myself, learning to stand firm and stay with myself rather than abandoning myself into an abyss of tears and overwhelm.
I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.
Finding Tenderness and Love Within
I used to feel so frustrated at my partner for not treating me with the tenderness I felt I deserved and wasn’t receiving from him. But as my awareness of this fact grew and the heavy fog of emotional reaction began to clear, I started to question how loving I was being towards myself:
- How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?
- Why was I waiting for him to show me tenderness, gentleness and love first, instead of being and living all of those qualities myself?
- What does love look like? – Is it aligning with my partner’s post-work bad mood, so that we can connect through it and I can feel good by ‘helping’ him? Or is it calling it out, and not allowing an insidious and negative energy to run through our home and end with me feeling tension and stress in my body.
Tender ME; Our Tender Relationship
Now I’m starting to let go of the control and experiment with what happens when I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.
How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?
What has happened has been a true transformation of our relationship from blame and resentment to a deepening of our love and appreciation. There have been uncomfortable confrontational moments as I re-learn to stand up for myself and express what I’m truly feeling, instead of acting out the safe and known pandering routine. But also there has been more tenderness, gentleness and consistent connection. And most of all there’s a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart, and feeling how incredible it is to be the powerful, graceful and truly tender woman that I am finally allowing myself to be, and in my relationship too.
by Anonymous, UK
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Women in Livingness Blog 
No matter how big or small, when a person goes through difficulties, they feel emotions. And, it would be best to understand that these emotions deserve to be respected.
A gorgeous read, thank you. It’s very inspiring to be reminded of how powerful we can be by simply taking responsibility for ourselves and living in connection to the love and tenderness we are. I can relate to the blame, it’s set up by the consciousness that love comes from outside of ourselves, when everything we think we need is actually within us.
it is very easy to blame another person for the sorrows we feel, we can be taken by the miasma of thoughts and be sure that we are right but often when we are taken by the fog, we cannot see clearly and our heart has masking tape all over it, shutting it down & shutting it up.
True love is about commitment, deep tender care and responsibility, but with ourselves first.
There is a great value in women like you that I deeply appreciate. It is the absolut honesty to see the games, demands and manipulation towards men. By clearing this out we realize that all of that came from our lack o self-worth and the desperation of being disconnected with ourselves. How amazing being able to see this for what it is and knowing that the love we are is far grander, to be lived and shared not just with one person but for all.
“I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.” A beautiful foundation for a deepening relationship with yourself and others.
Taking the lead does not come from a ‘doing’ or action. Taking the lead comes from a connection to self and then deepening this connection so that we bring and live the divine qualities we are.
“Now I’m starting to let go of the control and experiment with what happens when I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.” A totally different approach and one that allows true change because it starts with us and the changes we can bring and not from the reaction of wanting to control and blame others for the situations we have created.
It is so easy to lay the blame for all of the things we don’t like about our life, relationships, work, on someone else or something else. But for as long as we do that, nothing changes. Nothing changes at all until we wake up, realise our life is our own responsibility, and decide to do things differently, one choice at a time.
It is so easy to blame another for not treating us as we believe we deserve to be treated and yet so often this is reflecting an absence of love and tenderness in the way we treat ourselves. Once we recognise this is a mirror of our own behaviour we have the opportunity to change how we treat ourselves and build a loving foundation to support us each and every day.
This is so true, our relationship with self is first and foremost what is important to build and have as a strong foundation, ‘How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?’
Yes and yet we can expend so much time and effort trying to get another to change when all along we are missing the opportunity to focus on ourselves and explore how we can treat ourselves more lovingly.
I agree, this is important for all of us to hold our love, connection and tenderness, ‘How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?’
It is a beautiful and brave moment when a woman admits that she wants to be saved by her partner, and how frustrating it can be when they do not pander this. How beautiful and brave is the partner then who does not pander and allows a woman to feel her own fragility and strength all at once.
We have so much love within us waiting there to be expressed, and we can spend our whole lives waiting for someone else to express it to us.
Your blog is so true for many relationships, not just with partners, that we can set ourselves up to believe that another is there to supply the very thing we are responsible for within. Once we claim that quality and live it we can then offer it by reflection to our relationships, reminding others they have it inside themselves also to choose and live from. It’s a completely different approach from expecting someone to deliver or supply something to us in our needs, or looking within, taking responsibility for ourselves, and then living that love, which is then brought to relationships as an offering for everyone to evolve. Thanks for the blog as I can still feel huge pockets in my life of expecting others to supply love.
Making it about everyone other than ourselves – um, yes, been there and done that too. Taking responsibility for what we bring or brought to any relationship brings an understanding that offers the body an opportunity to let go and be at ease. The opportunity to ‘have another go’ will come round again, it may look slightly different but the opportunity will be there to re-imprint.
A great understanding to come to, relationships always starts with self, ‘I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.’
We have so much strength when we stay true to ourselves because we are never alone, we have the wisdom of our divine connection which holds all equally. The more we build a body that knows that feeling as its truth the less we need confirmation from the outside and can be a support for others as well without a need to be understood or even appreciated.
” But the relationship with me was where I needed to start…”
This is so important , to verify ones own personal relationship is true, this is the basis of any true relationship with another.
‘But if I’d come down from my head and mental thoughts and into my body and feelings, I could have seen all the evidence telling me that, actually, things weren’t so great with me – and maybe that’s where I should start.’ This is where it all begins, to be honest that it is us who were standing in the way and that every change starts with us and we will not be disappointed when we take the track to getting to know ourselves for who we are. Your blog is one awesome testimonial of that.
“How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?” A great point – we need to start treating ourselves tenderly first, then the world may somehow miraculously change to reflect this back to us. Expecting others to treat us well if we don’t do the same for ourselves is unlikely to work.
“But the relationship with me was where I needed to start…”. So true. if only this information were known worldwide, instead of blaming and holding resentment against another. Wish I’d known it many years ago….
Yes, nothing changes unless we look at ourselves first, at what we are needing from others. Building an intimate relationship with ourself lays a foundation that is solid and unshakeable.
When we accept responsibility and take the lead we stop blaming. We put an end to the drama created in our lives and address what is going on within ourselves. Of course there is no such thing as perfection and slip ups occur but we find ourselves coming back to living what is true forever deepening the relationship we have with ourselves.
Although it is sometimes uncomfortable to see the patterns of self abuse or harm, it is also a beautiful opportunity for change. I am loving this process of unfolding back to my true self.
It’s a very empowering position because in responsibility we realise we ourselves can change our lives, and everything we have ever wanted is already within ourselves. The power is in ourselves.
I can relate to this, of wanting the other to change and then I will be more loving. But it doesn’t work like this, when we open up and allow others to be this is love, without any need, pictures or investments.
Such a great reminder to be tender and more tender with ourselves.
Thank you for this blog, it’s so important to be real and share exactly how things unfold as we return to living from our essence and the love within. I can relate to placing blame and expectations on my partner or others in general, we are taught that love is out there, and especially experienced with “The One” and this sets us up to think others are responsible for our loveless state. It is like owning a petrol (love) station and expecting someone else to take our car and fill it somewhere else, when all along we have all the fuel (love) we could ever imagine inside of ourselves.
Isn’t it revealing that what we often expect from another in our relationships is the very thing we are not giving ourselves? Connection with ourselves, and the deepening relationship within us is key.
‘There have been uncomfortable confrontational moments as I re-learn to stand up for myself and express what I’m truly feeling,’ This is a great reminder that it’s not about being perfect or getting ‘right’. When we have held back our expression for so long there are bound to be some awkward moments, appreciation and acceptance is key during these times as you are taking some new and very important steps with our expression.
This is a beautiful and honest sharing thank you, when we begin to appreciate and love ourselves all our relationships transform and become more true.
Many of us have been taught that love comes from the outside. We deny the love we are by accepting this belief and then we crave and demand others that love us when in truth we all are full of love by nature. How crazy is that? True love just comes from within and can’t be exclusive for the special ones, simply is who we are.
Inma it’s one of the biggest lies worldwide and it’s pervasive in music, literature, movies, and in our language, etc. The lie that love is outside of us has pretty much poisoned every part of human life.
Could it be that the more we let go of control the more space we allow for love and tenderness too? And so, are we using control as a way to seemingly protect ourselves – holding on to life so that we can try to manage our experience of it- when actually when we know who we are and what we feel we can let go of the control because there’s nothing to protect: it’s the same essence of love that is in everyone, that we’re all part of and all have within us. It doesn’t go anywhere, get broken or lost. Just a constant and ever-ready supply, whenever we choose to tune into it.
Interesting that we can use reactions to hide. When I look at why I react/what it is that I’m reacting to, often I’m not quite sure what started it- I just suddenly find myself craving certain foods and really not wanting to feel things. Giving ourselves the space to feel whatever we’re feeling without judgement is a great gift that starts to melt the grip that our own reactions can have over us, if we choose.
When we treat ourselves with tenderness and love we meet this same tenderness and love within others
Allowing myself to feel everything that’s going on in and around me, and learning to stay steady with it, and express where needed, has been and is still a life-changing process. It changes everything: my relationship with the world, with others, and how I relate to life – for the better. Living in the seeming protection of withdrawal leaves us feeling cold, stagnant, and cut off from life and others.
Bingo this just says it all “How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything”
Too often we look outside to blame when if we treat ourselves tenderly with the love and respect desire others can not but help follow suit.
Yes Samantha and we don’t notice how vitriolic it is and therefore will have a higher tolerance for what might be deemed abusive because we do not have that benchmark with ourselves.
I can relate to this, of wanting my partner and others to treat me in a specific way, with a level of care and tenderness. What I am finding though is how I am with myself sets the quality for how others will be with me.
It is such a loving thing to do when you call out what another brings to the relationship that is not love, but this can only take place, if as you say anonymous we have started to build a loving relationship with ourselves first. Because within that love you are choosing you feel when something doesn’t fit into that love and simply won’t accept it.
For me this relationship with myself starts with a relationship with and connection to my body. If I’m disconnected to my own feelings then I’m choosing to not be able to discern abuse on more subtle levels, within myself- e.g. My thoughts, how I move etc, and from there, in others. If I’m not willing to be open and honest in the levels of abuse I allow within myself then it makes sense that I’m not going to be that way with others. I love this because how others are we me is always a reflection of how I am with myself, on some level. How we are with ourselves matters, always.
Being able to really feel our tenderness, to really understand what it is and allow ourselves to surrender to that tenderness, can take some practice. I know for me, I didn’t really know what it was to feel tenderness and really embrace that within myself. But I do now and it is a very self honouring thing to do, is to allow oneself to be and live from that tenderness we are have within.
I agree Raegan, it takes practice and commitment but is the most empowering choice that I’ve made in my entire life. I deeply appreciate the huge support that I receive from Universal Medicine everyday to explore, in my own way and pace, how being connected to my body feels like. It’s being amazing, as we all are.
This made for uncomfortable reading for me as I recognised how much I could relate to the arrogance of thinking there was nothing wrong with me and if only my partner would just do this, that or the other then everything would be fine.
Our relationships are great for that purpose. To remind us that it is up to us to make the changes, the internal changes, if we want to take our relationships to another level.
This is a great point.. the moment we feel a tension because we want it need something outside of us to change so that we can feel at ease is a moment to look within at our own tension. Blaming anything outside of us- another person, country or the work world at large- only adds to the enormous tension and struggle that is everywhere.
I can also feel how I have used going into a relationship to avoid developing a greater connection to myself. That there has been a deeper level of love to go to within myself but have avoided doing that and sought relationships that are capped at a certain level so that I can avoid this.
It’s funny how we can tend to look outward wanting others to change their ways so that we don’t get triggered by their reactions and choices, yet rarely stop to look inwardly at the responsibility we have to change our own ways instead and not react to other peoples choices.
Could it be possible that what when we react to the other’s behaviours is because there is an aspect of us that we don’t really want to feel or to deal with? Such a great learning we can have if we stay open and humble to really see what’s the root that causes these reactions. Relationships starts to become more real when we allow ourselves to be honest by communicating how we truly feel.
It is so easy to get caught up in the blaming of another and finding the cause of our woes in the outside, always searching but never finding the answers we seek. It comes back to our willingness to look deep inside and unpack all the rules and restrictions we have imposed on ourself. With honesty and a dedication to learning to love ourselves this will become a journey we will never regret and allows us to feel the love that we are and have deserved all along.
I recently went into a relationship and it exposed how much I wanted to receive love from outside, that I wasn’t expressing towards myself. I have avoided relationships for a long time and then when this came along I allowed myself to feel how much I actually did want a relationship but what also came up was a lot of need and I overrode things to receive a physical intimacy that I was craving. It was very exposing of what I was seeking from another that I wasn’t prepared to bring to myself.
‘I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.’ Building a foundation of love first with myself has changed all my relationships enormously and they are now filled with much more love, joy, tenderness and understanding.
Nothing changes until we are prepared to look within ourselves, and change that relationship, first.
It is very convenient to blame a partner or person close to you for the lack of intimacy or tenderness in the relationship. It completely distracts you from being aware of what you are not giving yourself in your relationship with yourself. I have found that whenever I bemoan the lack of something in the way someone treats me, It is exactly the words I would use to describe what is lacking in the way I am with myself.
The way the world treats us, and how we respond to it, is a direct reflection of how we are with ourselves.
Agree Fiona, deepening our relationship with us is how our love expands, and this we then naturally share.
We often look out wanting to fix another, rather than in fact starting with us and feeling how we truly are with us. I so recognise the pattern you show here, where we expect others to be tender with us, but we are not willing to do that with ourselves. And the truth is we set the standards for how we are loved, by starting with how we love ourselves. And the more we love ourselves the more we allow ourselves to be loved by others. It really does start with us.
Reading this again I put 2+2 together in a way I’ve known but never understood from this angle before. The more I connect and feel that I am enough, I am ok just being me the more open my relationship with another can be as I am not trying to use so much effort in solving or fixing something (someone) that isn’t in essence broken in the first place, only requiring space to be them (and for me to be me too).
The more I come to know and understand myself, the more I see how important space is, to feel what is actually going on within and around me, and to appreciate what I bring to a situation. There’s less neediness and less attachment, and an allowing of others to have their space, too.
I needed to read this today, thank you for your sharing as it inspires me in my relationship.
This gives a different slant to that old song by Elvis Presely . . .’Love Me Tender’ for if you look up the lyrics it could be sang as a love song to oneself,
The frustration felt of a relationship not working is when I feel the frustration of myself not living the connection with me.
In order to have a real and loving relationship with another we must have a real and loving relationship with ourselves for how can we connect, read and truly see and understand the person standing before us if we have not connected seen and understood ourselves? If we do not love ourselves we will be needy of love from another and expect them to fulfill us . . . what an expectation and an imposition . . . and yet these images of fulfillment are what we are constantly being fed in movies, literature etc. and it is a complete lie and a recipe for disaster.
When we hold back love from ourselves we can then react to others ways and behaviours, because we don’t have our own loving and deeply wise support to guide and hold us in that moment. So better to keep breathing your own breathe and stay with the love that never wavers in challenging and complicated situations, as love just knows what is next.
I felt like you were describing my own relationship with myself while reading this! Showing me that theres always deeper levels of love to connect to. And what was cool that in the past if I were to say to myself that I am a powerful, tender woman I would of resisted or denied such. Saying it to myself today I felt my body agree and feel settled with this statement, very cool. Thank you Anonymous.
This is the most un-cut, brave and honest blogs I have read to date. I think many will relate to this familiar scenario but the way you are freeing yourself from a pattern of blame is nothing short of inspirational.
I find that the more I am able and willing to focus on and express appreciation for my partner the more our intimacy grows and the foundation of love builds between us.
‘I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.’ When we start to make choices that are tender and self-loving by reflection your partner gets to feel those choices and has a choice to be tender and self-loving too.
There is a common error that most of us seem to make in relationships when we expect the other person to treat us in a certain way so that our unloving ways are not exposed. That is, we exert a great deal of control onto the situation and person just so we don’t have to face what it is within us that is calling for the true healing. Basically we are saying to the other person – ‘I love you so long as you don’t push my buttons so I can continue on in the illusion that I don’t have any weak spots that need development’. If this is the case then there is no true relationship to be had but merely a comfortable arrangement (although this is questionable with the amount of tension it causes beneath the surface) that is not going to support either party to truly evolve by deepening in their expression of truth. A true and loving relationship is one where we are continually called to be all that we are and part of this process is having the ‘poison’ of our unloving ways pulled up to the surface so it can be seen and thus dealt with accordingly and it starts with us being willing for this to be brought forth within us.
The more we appreciate who we are within, the more we appreciate the same resides with all others. Our responsibility first and foremost is to develop a loving, honoring and truthful relationship with ourselves as from here we then can share our love with others, rather than impose or seek from another that which already resides within each and every one of us, equally so.
Ah Anonymous – what a blog. It’s one of those cases where I could cut and paste my name instead of yours and all the words would still be true. The more experience of relationships I have, the more I see how epedemic this insidious self-righteousness is. After all ‘I’m the one who put out the bin..’ ‘if it wasn’t for me they’d be lost”they have issues and I am right’. There’s no end it seems to the list of areas you can compete. And that’s all it is, like a sport that temporarily pumps you up at the expense of another. Suffice to say – there is no Love in it anyway. As you rightly show this boxing match of comparison only comes when we avoid caring deeply for ourselves.
For many people just the simple act of tenderness for oneself is a very big step… true tenderness radiates like ripples in a pond.
I am learning that every time I have thoughts of wanting to be treated differently in a relationship I either need to change how I am with myself or change how I am with that person- at times this can be confronting to feel but in my experience its the only thing to truly change the quality of the relationship.
‘I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself.’ This is a priceless discovery and one that has lead me to a new more loving relationship with myself and consequently with others. Thank you for sharing your story anonymous.
Thank you for sharing this- it is inspiring to read about how you stopped looking for the outside world to give to you your love and worth and claimed it for yourself and then brought this to your relationship and how this then changed your relationship with your husband- so much to learn from this.
Amazing – I have definitely always lived expecting someone else to swoop in and rescue me when things get tough, always believing life was too difficult and too hard to handle. What a crazy game, learning to stand on my own two feet and not rely on others to sort stuff out for me is one of the best feelings in the world. There is actually nothing in this world we can’t handle, we only THINK we can’t handle it, but that is a million miles from the truth.
I particularly picked up on your words ‘I used to feel so frustrated at my partner for not treating me with the tenderness I felt I deserved and wasn’t receiving from him.’ We so often expect another to treat us with tenderness, when we are not treating ourselves with the same tenderness we expect from another.
“and the heavy fog of emotional reaction began to clear”…I love this line because is says so much. When we live in the emotional world and particularly in reaction, it is like a fog that surrounds us and we cannot see the wood for the trees so to speak. It is when it starts to clear that that we can start to get real.
Having the ability to care for yourself is seen as an ability. However, it is a natural way to conduct ourselves.
The more we care for ourselves the smaller amount of pressure we put on the outer world to provide what we have always wanted to provide to ourselves.
Thanks for sharing your very honest open story anonymous there is so much in it I can relate to. I have been arrogant and controlling in my relationships. I am leaning to take responsibility for my reactions and the hurts associated with them and letting them go therefore naturally living more of the true me and expressing from my authentic loving self.
Thank you for being brave enough to start to uncover the truth of what goes on behind closed doors within your relationship, this inquisitive nature helps us all unlock what is truly going on in our own relationships and lives.
I am no longer in a relationship with a partner but when I was I never once considered how I was treating myself played an important part in how I would be treated by another. I was constantly complaining about the lack of this or that. Now though having listened to Serge and Natalie Benhayon I understand that how I relate to myself with tenderness and care and my choices is reflected in my relationships with others.
It is amazing what you can do for a relationship from within yourself. Loving yourself, letting go of the emotional responses and reactions, letting go of the need to be right, the identification within so many traits and not compromising on love. This is not about giving in to any kind of abuse, but removing any abuse from the relationship and bringing true appreciation in.
“What has happened has been a true transformation of our relationship from blame and resentment to a deepening of our love and appreciation.” I can relate to this, my relationship with my husband turned around, once i started to take care of myself, look at myself and my choices. This changed the dynamics in our relationship and created a more openness.
Building a foundation of who we are will support you to not worry, control or go outside of yourself for the answers. It is far wiser to forever build and keep confirming what you feel is true.
“I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.”
How many women can say they truly know themselves? its such a huge thing to explore because the depth of a relationship with ourselves is endless. If we say yes – I want to deepen this relationship, then we have to start with an openness and honesty. And I can say that a few years ago I did not want to be honest. only recently have i started to say ok, lay it all on the table. And i realise this is not selfish but the opposite – for in understanding myself more I am able to understand others.
Having looked outside of myself for many years for the answers to life, love and the universe, I am now settled in the knowing that true fulfilment comes from within, from connecting to my inner essence and the divine quality within, a quality we all equally are.
It is fascinating how we often expect from others what in truth we are craving from ourselves. Love and true care, honouring of our bodies and true nurturing. Love is inside of us waiting to re-connect to. This is the most rewarding of relationships as it foundation of quality we share with all others.
Establishing a balance in life between standing on one’s own two feet and not being invested in the need for other’s recognition and support, while also not hardening into this role of ‘independence’ and instead staying loving, tender and open, is no easy balance to achieve. It takes plenty of Soul searching, honesty, expressing, thinking we know the truth and then falling on our backside and getting up again and again. We find we cannot control in such a way of being and instead we can let go into a flow and ease that arises from a quality of truly loving ourselves and nurturing ourselves and knowing we are worth every bit of it – the whole learning and reclaiming process.
It is amazing how transformative it is when we start to treat ourselves with tenderness and love and this is then reflected back to us.
Ouch I can really relate to the arrogance of assuming that I was doing OK and blaming my ex-husband for everything that was wrong with our marriage. My resentment was a big factor in poisoning our relationship whilst I was not willing to be responsible for treating myself in the way that I demanded of others.
The relationship we have with ourselves cannot in any way be underestimated and more than often it is the place to begin when there is something to look at in a relationship with another – and it doesn’t have to be an intimate relationship. Every relationship no matter how apparently big or small offers us something to grow from.
There were so many things here that I recognise from my own life. When I began to take better care of myself and even love myself more, many of these things were no longer an issue. These issues felt so dark and bogged down and bringing more love in felt light and open. Seeing the difference in people’s faces was the best thing. I knew many people who were bringing more love into their lives and the change in their faces was so light and beautiful.
“the relationship with me was where I needed to start” This is where responsibility lies as we can choose to make changes for ourselves and allow others the space to be responsible for their own choices.
Like you I spent so much of my adult life trying to make relationships work and more often than not blaming the other person for all that was wrong, in total denial that I had any part to play. What a relief it was when I finally came to the realisation, a rather bright light-bulb moment, that the common denominator in each relationship was me, so building a “relationship with me was where I needed to start…” And so I have, and from this loving commitment all my other relationships in life have really blossomed.
When I go into neediness and complain about my husband not giving me enough attention I know I have disconnected from my own love, and that what I think I need from him I really need to give to my self, and take responsibility for giving myself the tenderness and love I am looking for.
So gorgeous Jill, we are to bring love and tenderness to ourselves first and foremost. I have learnt that is my first responsibility.
I have to come to feel for myself how simple and beautiful a relationship can be when there is no need from either person. In that there is no judgement, no reaction, just boundless amounts of love.
Silent resentment is so destructive. Unfortunately I know it well and can also testify that the only way to be in a truly loving relationship with another is to break the dishonouring silence and call out that which is not loving in both ourselves and our partner.
So often we look to what is not love in our partners and react to this or cause complication or separation because they are not being love. In-truth in these moments we are being reflected something for us to see and learn about ourselves as to why we are reacting to and taking on their choices instead of seeing the person for who they truly are and loving them to death. If we avoid the responsibility of looking at what is being reflected and instead focus on what the other is doing we are actually indulging in a lack of responsibility.
We can really delude ourselves easily that is this or that, or this person or that person did this, then we would be fine, we would no longer feel stressed etc. It really is the cart before the horse. As you’ve described so clearly anonymous, is starts with us and how we are, and from there it ripples out. No-one out there can make us feel a certain way and yet we can spend endless time lost in this loop, but the real work is when we see it is us and that is truly empowering as we can then choose to do things differently and there is no-one in our way but us! This opens up life for us and brings us back to the joy of choosing how we are and how we live and knowing that in each and every moment we have a choice.
‘How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?’ We get treated by reflection and if we are tender with ourselves, by reflection we will be treated with tenderness in return.
‘Why was I waiting for him to show me tenderness, gentleness and love first, instead of being and living all of those qualities myself?’ We often wait for another to show us love first, without connecting to ourselves, and deepening our own love, because we haven’t built a foundation of self-worth, and the confidence to know ourselves, which comes from self-love.
Beautiful comment Sally, what you have described is the beginnings of everything. It is what true love is founded on.
I love the way you express here and question everything and being so honest. I feel the power in your words and how you truly lived what you express here and what you discovered and re-connected to again – your whole body/vehicle of expression and allowed yourself to feel and be more aware again. Enjoyed reading every singel sentence. With love Nadine
Something that came to my awareness just yesterday and relevant to this blog is how any time I overeat (so am not being truly loving with myself), I start to hunch over as I am feeling full and uncomfortable in my stomach. Then I harden up, and the tenderness is more difficult to connect to. From this I can feel how overeating is a complete sabotage of my connection to tenderness and love, and yet it is something I can see myself doing a lot. I really appreciate that I am now willing to look at this and start working with it so I can remain more consistently in that tender connection to the real me – the warmth and love.
Love and connection starts with ourselves which is something I had to learn and am still learning as well. It is so easy to try and fix everyone around you but like you, Anonymous, I found this did not work and only made me more frustrated. I am now much more responsible for me and this allows others to express themselves from a true place as well. Occasionally I slip back into old patterns but my family gently pull me back!
Beautiful and inspiring to read your comment this morning Anne. I too am still learning to accept and allow others to simply be and to focus on my responsibility. It has taken me some time (which is ok) to see this, and to know that it always comes back to how I live, the choices I make, not the imposing force asking others to change. We can also be asking others to change simply by being love ourselves, and this way is not so imposing – just an asking.
You’ve nailed it Anon, it is, it seems a totally new approach to relationships. How beautiful to develop a loving, nurturing relationship with yourself that enriches your relationship with your partner. So often we come from such an arrogant position that does not enhance any relationship, learning to really treat ourselves with the love and care we are searching for from others is an amazing first step and once you take it, life is never the same again, in an awesome way
This arrogance you speak of is so harming. Not only does it not enhance but it also smashes anything and normally everything else too.
I can totally relate to everything you have shared in your blog Anonymous. Isn’t it an incredible U-turn to make when you actually take up responsibility, self love, self care, and then notice how this changes your relationship with your partner and everyone else. And then you recognise your essence is exactly the same as your partners, only that they are in a male body, and you a female body. The walls created by gender, stereotype ideals and beliefs and expectations actually come tumbling down.
One of the most separating forces on earth that stops us from appreciating and understanding the unifying fact of our divine origins is the fact of gender. Men and women ultimately are the same, although their physical expression is obviously different. We make such a thing of those physical differences that we cannot see past them.
I agree Adam, we do make such a thing of the gender differences. It is for us all to respect and appreciate the qualities of both man and woman in full, so we can learn how to live harmoniously with one another, regardless of which gender we are.
So true Adam. And yet all the while what is sought most in relationships is the equality and unification of feeling at one with ourselves and the other
That’s a great truth Adam, I can feel how this is what we all actually want in a relationship between a man and a woman, being love trough knowing we are all equal.
Allowing ourselves… Actually having the courage to feel the hurts behind our reactions is such a powerful, healing, and responsible thing to do, because this will then have a domino effect in all our relationships… So much for the better.
Gorgeous Chris, agreed, very powerful to go there with our hurts.
I could feel today that I felt vulneralbe at work and just by expressing this, I felt how tender I am and that with all the work and things I am doing, that I tend to lost touch with that tenderness. It feels so lovely to now be at work and just be, without having all these things to do things, knowing that there is enough space for everything. Just letting go a little bit more…
‘Now I’m starting to let go of the control and experiment with what happens when I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.’ What ‘to take the lead’ means is sure something that is misused. It took me a long time that it is just about being me and nothing more is needed, but like you’ve described I was in the control and resentment mode and even manipulative in my relationships. With observing my feelings in connection with my body instead of going to the endless controlling thoughts has been a huge healing and the way forward, step by step, in expressing who I am and thus leading the way joyfully.
I love what you share here Annelies, I have been seeing that control you speak of here being really exposed in myself of late and I am really loving giving myself the space to let it go, and opening up to more tenderness.
In re reading your blog I can really relate to the truth that if we don’t hold ourselves with the tenderness and love we innately are, we are constantly looking for another to do this for us. But even if it comes, it never feels enough, until we hold ourselves tenderly and lovingly then we feel enough and anothers choice to love themselves and us is joyfully embraced.
This is a great thing to expose, the blame we put on others is most of the time that what we know we should do ourself, being in connection with us.
I can relate to the blame game Anonymous and how insidious it is. It exposes a lack of responsibility on my part to not look at my own issues that have caused me to harden and lose my gentle and loving ways.
I can relate so much to this alisonmoir. The blame game leaves us feeling resentful and judgemental in the long run and the affects on the body and our relationship with others is harming. Bringing more understanding to our responsibility with a huge dose of tenderness feels so supportive.
I could so relate to much of what you have shared here Anonymous. I very much classified myself as the lead in relationships, there was also an air of arrogance that would come in so to stop me from feeling my own stuff. It was so much easier to blame someone else. This is a very different story now, a lot more responsibility has been taken.
I’ve done that too reagankcairney, blamed someone else if our relationship wasn’t going so well instead of looking at the part I had to play, probably why I never had a true relationship! It’s time now to put the onus back on me and once I can truly start to take responsibility for myself and not just give lip service to it (!) then any relationships I may have in the future can be equal ones, with me loving me first, and then sharing that love with another.
‘Letting go of that grip of control’ this was the biggest of all hurdles that I found time and time again would confront me. Allowing others to support me gave such amazing insights to how I’d been holding back on true tenderness and gentleness in my everyday living – my body certainly shared this. To really start to trust, feel and listen to this amazing body of mine instead of blindly ignoring what was so energetically felt by others on the receiving end.
Thank you for this real blog – as I have certainly found in the past, it is very easy to be the victim, or sulk, or blame others for feeling frustrated when in fact it all comes back to the fact we are choosing not to be responsible.
Some may find this harder to take in than others, and I certainly did not want to see my lack of responsibility for what it was, but as I have started to be more honest with this, I react less, and when I do react – I know I am out and it is simply a matter of reflecting on why I am letting something or someone affect me. Usually it is not them at all.
It is quite a turn around to work on gaining a sense of ourselves, noticing what is magnificent and what needs to change, and to diligently work on building a consistency in this relationship with ourselves. What I have noticed changes is the way I can then let go of any blame and expectations and simply enjoy being with myself and/or with others.
I have recently begun a new relationship to which the starting foundation was stated and felt to be nothing less then gentleness with one another. Having this as our basis the relationship has soared from gentleness to absolute tenderness and a deep honouring of each other in such a short space of time. I can feel that this man would never raise a harsh word in my direction, or touch me in any way other then with absolute love and care. This is very new for me, and I share this, as I can feel that it has come from the work I have done on my relationship with myself. To not beat myself up in any way, to give myself space with everything, to offer myself understanding in difficult times, and to care and nurture myself in a way that confirms that I am indeed from heaven. All these things I have been deepening and living more and more consistently, as I will continue to forever learn and expand upon. This new relationship has and is showing me how things can be between all of us when we say yes to the absolute love and care we are all so worthy of.
When I read your comment Anna, I had visions of how I should be treating myself like I would expect another to treat me. Your words have allowed me to let a bit more light and love into my body. Thank you.
Yes, we deserve so much more then many of us can begin to even imagine. All the loathing, and beating, and self abuse has created a gap for us to not see clearly who we truly are and how we deserve to be living. But as I have been finding, this is simply a choice.
Wow Anna, that feels wonderful!
I become more aware of my choices and how they effect what’s happening in my life-people I attract, events, the way I am treated etc.
So instead of jumping into relationship to fill the emptiness in me I choose to stay single and build a loving relationship with me first.
Thank you for your comment, it’s confirming.
Hi Elena, definitely building the relationship with ourselves first is everything. All the true relationships I see around me have this as a basis in both parties involved. So important.
Your relationship Anonymous was exactly like my previous relationship. I was waiting for my partner to change, to show me love and tenderness and fix our relationship. I went off seeking counselling for my partner but ended up having the sessions myself and this is where my self love journey began. My relationship with my partner did not last but my relationship with me is getting stronger. I can’t wait for the day I drop my guard and allow love in as well as expressing love out.
Yes Lindell. I can say the same. Nowadays I am looking to how tender and loving I can be with myself, and what comes in way from others can be a confirmation of that OR an opportunity for me to say No to something that isn’t in line with the love I know can be in relationships.
The one word I take away from reading your blog is responsibility
It is a gorgeous confirmation of taking responsibility that rather than resorting to blame, you have committed to developing your own tenderness and gentleness through the connection to yourself, and as such deepened the love and understanding you have for you and as a result your relationship as well…. In this way you bring yourself everything you could ever need and deserve, without need or expectation for your relationship to bring it to you instead.
Beautiful Samantha, I love what you have shared here about bringing yourself everything you could ever need and deserve. This is so true and so rewarding living in this way, and from here, what we pull toward us are relationships that confirm what we already know and live within.
letting go of control in anything is a big deal… Because always behind any controlling behaviours is of course fear… Basically will the wheels fall off if I let go… It is one of the most empowering things to do to even start to feel what it’s like to not have to control everything, that there is a flow and rhythm and harmony there is available to us all, if we can just start to trust enough to let go and to reconnect with who we truly are.
Trust, responsibility and letting go to bring in harmony, stillness and joy.
An excellent piece of writing on how relationships first start with the relationship with self and self responsibility. Thanks anonymous
“What does love look like? – Is it aligning with my partner’s post-work bad mood, so that we can connect through it and I can feel good by ‘helping’ him? Or is it calling it out, and not allowing an insidious and negative energy to run through our home and end with me feeling tension and stress in my body.” This is such a great question that can be applied to any relationship … Are we aligning to the other persons drama so we can feel good helping them? What a great distraction from feeling the powerful woman I am and from bringing love to all relationships, including myself!
What a great blog reminding us to stop looking from the outside to fill what we already have waiting within.
Yes, I agree Natasa, one could keep coming back to this blog for that very message until such time that it is no longer needed. When it really sinks in, that love is something we live, and not something we get.
Knowing this completely changes the way we can go into relationship, having gone into them searching for something to fill a gap in the past. Knowing we are able to give ourselves everything that we ‘need’ by way of love means that we go into relationships for completely different reasons. It allows such great freedom for ourselves and the other person, when we are free of the imposition of need.
Reading these words Anonymous I feel we could so easily replace ‘partner’ in your story with ‘life’. How many of us expect life to support us and bring love our way? I can relate so strongly to this underlying resentment with the way of the world, when in truth everything I am living comes back to me, and the divine tenderness I can naturally be.
Very beautiful Joseph, well said.
Anonymous your story echoes many aspects of my own. My relationship ended many years ago but in retrospect I see that I was not taking true responsibility for my own needs, and definitely expected him to save me from my own low self-worth. Thank goodness I now know that it is up to me to appreciate myself and treat myself with the utmost tenderness, care and respect, and all my other relationships have prospered as a result.
Beautiful Anne, and I know I can relate here also. Its so easy to fall into that trap of becoming reliant on others, or even other things such as the recognition we get in our jobs, or when we are good at a particular sport or skill. It is a blessing for this dependency on the outer to be revealed in our lives giving us the opportunity to build truly the love that is within, starting with our own self love, respect and care. I have too been given this blessing, and indeed it has changed my life and the way I see things in so many ways. I am now coming into myself as a woman.
This is so beautiful. I can totally relate to everything you say, except that I am single. However, i realise now, through the teachings of Universal Medicine, that I am single because, not only did I not let love in or out, but that I was so hard on myself. I had an underlying anxiousness coursing through my whole body that I actually wasn’t even aware of until, Sara Williams through Universal Medicine held a presentation on anxiousness. I used to juggle everything and everyone and was a master at it, planning and plotting outcomes until I drove myself crazy, and quite often the outcome would never be as I had imagined it would be, as people are obviously most unpredictable. I knew this, yet it made me happy to keep doing it, or so I thought. If I had not found Serge Benhayon and all the wonderful practitioners through Universal Medicine, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have ended up a nervous wreck or far worse! I now try to find my natural rhythm in everything that I do, try not tow rush around and do things gently. I now try to feel what to say, rather than think what to say and my life is now almost completely smooth and harmonious. I try not to get attached to outcomes and focus more on speaking my truth and let the chips fall where they will. This is much more honouring of myself and others and is leading to a much more joyful existence.
I was the same Belinda. My mind never stopped as I was always calculating the next move, playing out scenarios in my head which never happened in real life. I lived off anxiousness to support my mind games and I totally exhausted myself. I was carrying immense anger in my body which I blamed on everyone else except for myself. Now I choose to live a different way. I choose to listen to my body and I’m trying to stay in the present rather than flit off into the future. I no longer carry anger in my body but I still experience hardness when I go into self doubt or my confidence drops. I am making great path ways on trust, acceptance and responsibilities and this is really turning my life around.
Being honest about ourselves, is that what solves most issues, as all is created from something within us.
As we deepen our own connection with ourselves, it allows us to deepen our connection with others.
True Sally, I am noticing this with my own relationships it is quite magical what can unfold when I commit to deepen the love within myself.
Thank you Anonomous for this deep sharing. There was so much here to truthfully recognise. When we are disconnected with ourselves we need those close to us to try to fill that hole. It is so amazing to feel that deep connection with self so that all that need melts away and a true relationship can begin.
The love for ourself is so important when being in a relationship. It brings our fullness together as it is already there in ourselves.
I really enjoyed this article because it shows how clearly we can choose blame and criticism of self and others to deflect from the fact we are not choosing love for ourselves. There is real responsibility in expressing what we feel rather than waiting for someone else to express or come rescue us from our own choices. I am learning more and more each day the importance in honouring what I feel and taking true responsibility for the choices I make. It’s these same choices we make that filter into our relationships with others, if we don’t love and treat ourselves with care and respect how can we ever expect this from others. It truly begins and ends with us.
“Learning to stand firm and stay with myself rather than abandoning myself”
These are words of wisdom. My pattern has always been to leave my body and therefore be run by something else. By now choosing to stand firm and stay with myself. I can feel the power in that choice. And no longer choose to run away.
This blog is a continually exposing , “when I take responsibility for myself”. I can feel how I had gauged myself on how my partner was, if he was not feeling great, I would blame myself . But if I was not also feeling great was I also blaming him. It’s not about anyone else. When I take responsibility for me, it is only about me. No one else. Ever.
I am solely responsible for me and all that I choose to do. Using blame is just an excuse to not claim all of me. In all parts of my life.
“When I abandoned myself in stressful situations and let myself be owned and run by anxiety.” This sentence hit home. When I abandoned myself. Why would I choose to leave me for anxiousness. It sounds scazey. But that is what happens. If I stop and feel me, the anxiousness is no longer there. All that I feel is this warm, lovely feeling inside me.
There is so much in what you are sharing here anonymous that I can see in myself. Even with the greater awareness I now have, it is easy to fall into what can seem like quite subtle traps but they are so old they are like automatic defaults of blame and victim hood instead of staying with the love that I know I am. This sentence caught my attention because I used to do the first …aligning with my partner and how this would then play out as frustration, resentment or blame which only made the situation worse.
“What does love look like? – Is it aligning with my partner’s post-work bad mood, so that we can connect through it and I can feel good by ‘helping’ him? Or is it calling it out, and not allowing an insidious and negative energy to run through our home and end with me feeling tension and stress in my body.” Learning that love is to speak up and call out what is not true so that it does not fester in my body has been a great leaning and one I am still learning every day.
I agree Denise, this blog has supported me so much since it was published, your comment has inspired me to read it again.
An absolutely divine blog , as I deepen in my love for myself I will be coming back to re read this amazing blog .
Thank you Anonymous for sharing a very inspiring blog. Isn’t it amazing that what we are looking for all our lives, to be loved and valued, lives right within us, while all the time we are searching out there, and expecting someone else to love us first.
Great comment Jill. The answer is so simple and right in front of us that we dismiss it as we think it couldn’t be that simple yet it is.
How can we establish a truly loving relationship with someone when we’re not already in a loving relationship with ourselves first? This question should be served alongside the first courtship drink, so each can truly consider and assess their readiness for sharing life with another.
Yep I think many can relate to this, demanding something from others that we are not prepared to do ourselves- love the honest sharing.
Something in this for everyone…
Actually, I am realizing in me a deeper and subtle level of blaming others (the world) I held on to, to hold back who I am from the world and not taking the full responsibility to do so. As it feels uncomfortable right now, I am grateful to know, that this it is at least freeing a much deeper way of relationship with myself and others. So thank you for the reminder and the inspiration, just at the right time.
When I’m waiting for my husband or children to show me love or attention, its like being in this terrible needy lonely existence, because I have completely let go of me and listening to my body. It can sometimes take a while, but eventually I see this cycle and go whoops this is all about me and how I am not being loving and gentle with myself.
This is so true Aimee – if we can’t be there for ourselves we can’t expect others to either. And yes if ever I have that lonely feeling I’m aware that the only one who can remedy that is me by coming back to and re-connecting with myself.
Every relationship presents endless opportunities for us to learn more about ourselves. Very often we search for answers in the wrong places, by either blaming or expecting the other person to fix the problem we perceive they have created. Replacing arrogance, with honest self reflection opens the door to self healing. With commitment and love most relationships can be re-built. Always the starting point is self: re-build self first and everything else becomes possible.
I like looking at my interactions with people as looking at mirror and seeing all my reflection – pretty or not – with appreciation.
I think you have touched on many great points in this article, one that stuck out to me was how people can try to control their environments. I have seen this trait in many people and it comes from protection and a way to avoid being hurt. Yet it achieves the opposite- this control ends up hurting many and ultimately hurts ourselves the most as it keeps us trapped in a series of behaviours that don’t allow us to be at ease, learn and grow.
It’s pretty arrogant when we fool ourselves that we’re trying to protect ourselves and others by controlling our/their behaviour – as you say Kristy, the controlling hurts more than allowing ourselves and others to grow and learn, even if that involves making mistakes along the way. I’ve seen this play out in so many ways in my own behaviour: particularly expression. I know that holding back hurts me and others so much more than saying what needs to be said, yet I hold back out of a fear that what I say will upset someone or make a situation uncomfortable. Holding back keeps me and the other person small and the opportunity to connect with one another more deeply is lost, or postponed.
This was me too! Full of blame for my partner and very resentful while at the same time being controlling, expecting perfection and holding an arrogance that I was better than my partner. It was a bit of a wake up call to finally be honest about the fact that before anyone else could respect me in a relationship, I needed to respect, care for, and honour myself! Although I’m no longer partnered, it’s been a very healing process to begin to develop a loving relationship with myself, and from that, being more and more open to experience that in my relationships with others.
I saw myself in Anonymous story also Angela. Biggest thing that stands out for me in your comment is ‘expecting perfection’, I find this a love, honouring, acceptance and appreciation killer. If I’m in a pattern of trying to be perfect, I’m looking at everyone else with that same arrogance and judgemental view. There is no doubt for me that how I care and love myself is how I am with all others.
I could copy and paste your comment, Angela 🙂
‘holding an arrogance that I was better than my partner’. This is absolute killer in relationships and I have been there myself. There is nothing more painful then realising you have been thinking yourself better then another, except perhaps being at the receiving end of this (to which I have also experienced). We need to surrender with each other to what it means to be truly equal, to let down the guards, the hurts, the armour and protection and bare it all in equal-ness.
Tenderness is something that I never really knew what it meant, I had an idea of what it was but to start to feel it in my body and in what I do has been an unveiling process. It is funny because I got to a point where I brought gentleness into my day with myself with what I did and then realised tenderness is a whole other quality. To be tender is to surrender and to allow the woman that I am to be in all that I do and grace all those around me. This is forever deepening and it feels more and more precious the deeper I go.
I love this Natalie – ‘to be tender is to surrender and to allow the woman that I am to be in all that I do’ – so true – very difficult to be gentle with ourselves and others, if we’re trying to control everything all of the time. There is such grace in surrendering to who we truly are, and allowing ourselves to be.
Beautiful expressed Natalie ‘To be tender is to surrender and to allow the woman that I am to be in all that I do and grace all those around me. This is forever deepening and it feels more and more precious the deeper I go.’ I will take this into my day, thank you!
I love what you express here Annelies. To surrender and allow the woman that you are to grace all those around you. I feel that too so strongly in my body when I am allowing my delicateness and tenderness to be lived and expressed through my body. Something I felt just yesterday in relation to this is that when we heal and return to a more loving way of being, it is naturally for all. Our healing is healing for everyone.
Realising that we are responsible for all of our own choices was a real eye opener for me. I now realise that every choice I make affects how I am with myself, and how they also affect both how we are with others, and how others are with us. The deeper we connect to ourselves, the easier it is for another to feel that connection and be more open in their own communication and expression with us too.
Often times what we want from a partner is to supply us with what we are not choosing. We are so self centred that we do not even bother to ask what is my body communicating, radiating? Is it really inviting, open? or it feels more like a boat lost in the ocean wishing to be rescued? Does it allow the other person in or is everything done in control mood (so to make sure that I get what I need)?
Eduardo wow, reading your questions has stopped me in my tracks to ponder on what is my body communicating. When I’m in ‘control mood’ to get what I want or need my shoulders are hard and pushed forward, there is a nervousness I feel and my thoughts are very muddled. Very obviously an indicator that there is no openness or inviting another in. Thank you for these powerfully reflective questions.
This is gorgeous Eduardo. What great questions to ask ourselves rather than looking for our partner to make things ‘better’ for us or ‘fix’ themselves because we think they are in the wrong.
This is great Eduardo, and brings our focus back to the body – always a powerful and true marker. Allowing it the space to communicate to us always is important, as it can very easily guide us out of so-called confusion.
This is so true Eduardo when we are so self centred we shut off all the messages that our body is communicating, letting us know that we have gone onto hardness, lost our gentleness and no longer open to what is being communicated from our body or from the people around us. I can very much relate to this and how I can begin to control everything around me.
Well said Eduardo. My boat has come to shore and I have just sold it and am now completely available to the world. I floated alone for most of my life. Not anymore, the love I feel for people is to beautiful for words, and is propelling me to be with people, to talk, connect and enjoy.
After reading your sharing Anonymous, my first impulse to express is – taking responsibility for all our past choices is the way. To be really honest and to nurture and love ourselves, only then we are able to love other people.
So True Alexander1207, start to become nurturing and loving ourselves is essential to keep being honest and expose and then heal the hurts, that let us be irresponsible and in protection in the first line.
As we know from Ageless Wisdom teachings there is no past or future. Based on this we can take responsibility for your current choices and relationships which will heal all our past ones.
Expectations we have of our partners, in fact anyone we are in relationship with, and that includes ourselves, is as you say, so exhausting and in the end incredibly harming to our bodies. The not so merry-go-round of exhaustion is one merry-go-round I am choosing not to ride anymore, and with my relationship with me, the most important relationship of all, blossoming so beautifully, these days it is not even an option.
The wonders and answers that we find within! It’s so empowering to work on myself and be totally free from what the others decide.
Felix,
I am beginning to feel the beauty of being totally free from what others decide, and it feels like the only way to live. Living how I used to, absorbing emotions and thinking that they were me forever left me in despair, never knowing how to be, or what to say. I am finding now knowing that all truly is well in my world, that I can fully let others make their own choices, but no longer am I going along with another if it doesn’t feel what they are choosing is for me. The freedom and pure love I feel is beyond words.
I can see your point anonymous how treating yourself tenderly will naturally magnetise such behaviour around you in others and indeed for themselves as well as for you. So perhaps loving and nurturing one-self is a selfless act?
Yes Simon, I agree,”loving and nurturing ourselves is a selfless act.”
‘I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself.’ Most of us have been there, expecting our partner to sympathize with whatever we’ve got going on emotionally. And expecting them to be tender with us while we are far from being tender with ourselves. The greatest gift for all of humanity is discovering the healing effect of self love. To be as tender with ourselves as we can be with our loved ones is pure gold.
Beautifully expressed Ilja. When we are tender with ourselves we hold a quality that enables us to respect and honour ourselves and begin to value and love ourselves.
I agree Elaine, being tender with myself is the greatest gift I can give to myself. I am finding a delicateness within that is so raw and fragile, but powerful and strong at the same time.
Yes Ilja, it is pure gold, I am discovering being tender with myself is actually my natural way of being, that then simply extends to include everyone. When I hold myself with my love, it is impossible to not hold others in the same way. This is transforming my life, I am opening to and really enjoying people. It is so exquisite to feel this.
Actually, blaming my partner was my bottom line in my relationship. This means that whenever there were intense moments, quite often when I had blown it and tension had arisen, then I would pull out the blame card, and it was really ugly, and came with a very nasty energy. And it really was not until through the auspices and Courses of Universal Medicine, but I was actually able to heal the deeply buried hurts inside whose buttons were pushed, and the hurt exposed, when severe tension arose. I no longer do this, and just this has had a profound effect upon our relationship let alone everything else that has flowered from the deep and beautiful healings that had taken place
It’s interesting how we can get overwhelmed and then have an expectation that our partners should or could help us to get out of the mess we have created and then hold resentment towards them for not ‘caring enough’ – I can relate to having done this behaviour in the past. But what I have come to realise is that putting pressure on ourselves to be perfect is just another way to control everything and sets us up for failure, along with not taking responsibility for ourselves in the first place.
As you have pointed out we have everything we need within to sort these dramas out for ourselves and/or not create them in the first place.
It is true Julie, we do have everything we need to sort out the dramas. I often find that if I have some issue bugging me in my relationship it is because I have not communicated it from the right place at the right time. That is up to me, I am still learning how to do it in a way that supports all concerned.
Truly inspiring. This is exactly where I am at and exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you so much for sharing this and supporting me and others to move our relationships into a space that reflects and grows the true beauty and tenderness which we innately are.
I agree, Gina, I needed to read this today too.
That was a honest sharing Anonymous – yes it can be a challenge to take more of our responsibility but as you so wonderful describe – it is worth it.
A very honest blog and a lot I recognise from how I dealt with myself, my relationships and my issues. I love how much stillness I have build in myself and how the loads of emotions and dramas are history. All I needed was to start loving myself, actually very simple and how amazing it is all within me and from there my relationships with others started to change. Joy came back in my life!
Taking responsibility for our choices and actions can seem too hard a choice to make and so we tend to go down the so called, easy road, but eventually that easier road (ignore or put off) eventually comes back around for us to look at once again. Better to deal with things when they are there in front of us and not deflect them onto others or push aside for another day, that way our bodies won’t have to deal with the brunt of that unloving choice and our relationships with others are much more open, respectful and transparent.
I know Julie, this morning I had an example of just that. I had a picture of how I wanted something to be and when this changed I was upset, I briefly went into a shutdown mode over it but soon realised this wasn’t the way to deal with it. When I expressed how I felt it left and wasn’t a big deal at all but a perfect opportunity to express love and grow.
“I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.” When we take responsibility for our own lives, then we open a door too see more clearly how we are truly living.
That’s right Denise, and what is behind the door is often very revealing and exposing of our own way of being. An opportunity as you say to ‘see more clearly’ a gift.
And when we love ourselves, we have no need for a relationship and need nothing from another. We can enjoy the relationship for the joy of being with another and sharing the love that we each feel for ourselves.
“Like some kind of self-appointed martyr I assumed that I was always the one leading the way, moving us forward, pulling us up.” The way you have described yourself in relationship here in this blog could have been you writing for me. I had to read what you had expressed quite a few times because I would check out … an obvious sign that there was something here that I didn’t want to feel too deeply. I too tried to think my way out of relationship problems and I always had an answer, particularly an answer for what another should do. And yet the whole time I was deeply sad and unsettled inside. As you write, it is such arrogance to try to ‘fix’ another without looking at your own hurts and taking responsibility for the choices you made to not be the love that you are. Thank you for your honesty and insight.
When both sexes stop blaming the other sex for all their woes and hurts, and deal with thier own hurts and love themselves, then man and women can come together and relate differently. There is no need for perfection, there is no need to be at war with each other, there is only the space to reflect to each other the love that the other is.
“I felt so sensitive and kept wishing other people would stop reacting so I wouldn’t have to react to their reactions! I was exhausting myself trying to perfect and control my external environment so that I could feel less stressed out” – boy do I relate to this in every aspect of my life. If any wish could be granted at this time, not reacting to the world around me would be it. Awesome blog Anonymous.
How often we bemoan relationships or situations, yet what you show us Anonymous is that we have so much greater power thank we think. How tender we can be with ourselves changes everything to me.
It so does Joseph, It is so special to hold myself with my tenderness, and to express from this part of me. For when I do I feel this deep love and desire to be equally tender with others. I am also discovering that I can be very quickly taken from this space when ever I for a moment begin to look from the outside into my body, this immediately brings in doubts and put downs. The moment I know that I have done this and choose again to come from within, from my tenderness, life changes in front of my eyes.
“How tender we can be with ourselves changes everything to me.” This is huge Joseph, until we allow this tenderness to and with ourself, there is no way, in truth, we allow others to hold us with that same and equal tenderness. In our own self choices we are capping the level of love and support we receive from others by simply not allowing it of ourselves.
Thank you for your honest and open sharing here. I love what you have finished with in the final paragraph: love and appreciation create the strongest foundation for true relationships and pull us out of the comfortable arrangements we can form in order to avoid that uncomfortableness. I am inspired to hear you share you claiming back your power and grace – how beautiful that it is as simple as being honest about what we are feeling.
This is so true Simone, “how beautiful that it is as simple as being honest about what we are feeling.” This is something that I have held back from expressing in full. Yet I am finding over the past few days that I can feel a simpleness in being honest about what I am feeling, something that I have not felt before and I am loving it.
Great to hear you are loving it – me too! My mother has recently been teaching me a lot about being honest (not that there is much to teach: feel your body ;)) but she has also been amazing about not taking things personally. When we realise that there are things that we have chosen that are not truly us and bring understanding as to why we chose them, suddenly we lose the judgement on ourselves and can be objective and take the personal side out of it. It has been a very powerful lesson.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing. I personally have connected to and live more each day from my lovely essence, yet I can still find myself stepping away from my essence to align to my partner to supposedly keep the status quo. This I am finding completely exhausts me as I am not allowing myself to be the fullness of me when I do this. Realising that it has nothing to do with my partner and everything to do with my choice to not be myself in full is very stilling. Supporting me to take the leap and lovingly honour myself when I am with him.
Reflecting back on when I first read this blog, it is amazing for me to see how far I have come with letting go of playing a victim in life and blaming others for my own messes, or in general when something goes wrong. I have come to a deep understanding that everything that occurs is because of energy, and that I have a part in that. I have also learnt that there is no use holding myself or others to ransom for choices that are made, as all this has done up to now is keep me away from actually truly enjoying and being fully committed to life.
Becoming aware of how we may in some subtle way still be blaming others puts us on notice that we are leaving an easy way for ourselves to separate from love. Deepening our tender care with ourselves let’s us reconnect more deeply to that love again. Your blog reminds me of this so and to be fully present with me today. Thank you.
Gosh Anonymous- Thank you! “I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.” What you have described here (besides the ‘6’ years) is pretty much exactly what I have done. From ‘wanting all these things from others’ to learning to deeply express and be everything that I have ever wanted- with a joy of self-responsibility and re-learning.
I can relate to your story Sharon and am sure most of us can to varying degrees.
True relationship begins with the relationship we have with ourselves. “I like how you say Love is your true nature” that is so true Love is always there within us all we have to do is reconnect to our authentic selves. Simple but not always easy when we choice to bring complicating factors into our lives .
True relationship begins with the relationship we have with ourselves. Thank you for the reminder I need to take more responsibility to deepen my relationship with me.
I find this to be an ever deepening relationship Margaret – the amount of LOVE I can be with myself and hold myself in. Each cycle (month) for me I find there is more, sometimes it may be something very slight, like a repeated thought I used to have which no longer weighs on me, or I notice something I have always reacted to I have developed more understanding for and so on. It is such a beautiful process and in these moments the deep appreciation I am coming to have for myself and for Esoteric Women’s Health and Universal Medicine (who started me on this path) is endless.
This is a great point – how often do we get frustrated with another for not providing us with what we need or want? It’s actually crazy when we realise we are simply negating the responsibility of providing this for ourselves! It puts the focus back on us and takes the pressure off the other person.
There is so much that I share with this blog and your experience! The tension it creates in a relationship when I ask of my partner to give me the attention and tenderness I am denying myself, the trying to fix it in my mind, the feeling that I am having to do all the work, when actually I am not doing the most basic thing which is love myself fully. You also help me realize that I want to jump to the love and clarity and joy without doing the uncomfortable confrontational bit that you mention, I want to skip that work and jump into the connection and amazing feelings, and that I try to do by being nice and hoping the nasty bit will go away, or pandering to not rock the boat…So the result is that a relationship that has the potential of being amazing, because I want to skip the difficult part of being true and expressing everything that is there to be expressed, and give in to the “I don´t want to spoil this moment” we end up losing the connection and the love and the tenderness. I totally agree that the only way and when it has worked, without thinking or fixing it, is when I have been able to hold my connection, my deep self love, and the commitment to expressing everything that I feel from that connection.
The denying of oneself a true relationship with self is a massive one. I didn’t even realise it existed to the depth that is possible – an endless depth that was introduced to me by Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health. To nurture and develope by re-connecting to who I am truly within. I have stopped looking for what it was I was desperately seeking in others. It is actually inside of me and this is all I need. Of course this is beautiful to share with others, what I have come to realise is that I don’t need to leave this connection to who I am when I am with others. The forever deepening relationship with Self.
The honesty you have offered in your self reflection and shared with us all is very powerful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing this.
I am sure that what you share here in your blog is very common. We spend so much time thinking it is everyone else that needs to change that the last place we want to look is ourselves. The challenge is to look to ourselves with tenderness and love, to let go of the expectations both on others and ourselves and just build steadily and foundationally.
This is a gorgeous blog, and very known behaviour for me, and I can feel how this has been holding from taking the responsibility for how I am in relationship with everyone around me. The connection with myself is so important in every thing I do.
“But if I’d come down from my head and mental thoughts and into my body and feelings, I could have seen all the evidence telling me that, actually, things weren’t so great with me”
This is such a telling sentence for me in that I still struggle with stilling my mental energy.
I love what you have expressed; so honest and revealing, with great clarity.
You have inspired me to feel deeper into th mental games I play and my need for control; thank you.
Expecting others to love us and to express tenderness to us when we don’t do this for ourselves. I so used to do this. Learning to fill myself up from inside me, rather than looking outside, is still a work in progress, but is definitely the way forward.
I love this sharing and I am sure that many many many women and men can relate to trying to fix a relationship by thinking and thinking, talking and talking about it!!! Going round and round in circles. I have started to bring it all back to me like you share and it definitely has supported my relationships to be more loving but there is so much more to love than I tend to live or let myself be with myself that I can see in others who are living this love, it is so awesome to be on the path to living more and more love from within.
Very true, beautiful and inspiring your words Vanessa. I can really relate to the talking and talking part – I have done that ever and always, as if I believed the talk could somehow make things better. I am now realising more each day, and through the support and gorgeous reflection of others who are a little further ahead then me in what it means to live true love in relationships, that just being, stopping and feeling, is far more powerful then constant talk, think and worry.
That’s such a great point, how many times do we hear when there is a problem that we need to ‘talk it through’, in my experience when I am upset ‘talking it through’ has made the situation so much worse as I am simply blaming another for my hurt, and most probably a hurt they did not cause. However when I take the self-responsibility route and bring it back to me and my part in it, and approach it from a different perspective and THEN talk about it, it is a conversation with much more understanding and a talk worth having.
On re-reading your blog Anonymous, I realise how selfish and imposing it is to expect another to ‘love’ us when we are not prepared to truly, deeply love ourselves first. This has been a big eye-opener for me in my relationships. My commitment is to me and connecting to the Love inside of me, and then my Love is felt by another and reflects back to them that they hold the same inside too. After all, the energy of True Love does not stop at skin level, it is both inside us and everywhere, just patiently waiting for us to choose to re-connect to it. Thank you again for your blog, there is lots to consider here with regard to our on-going development back to who we truly are.
Gosh it can be uncomfortable looking in the mirror sometimes! You could be writing about me Anonymous, the reflection is so strong. I can still feel there are plenty of times I choose reaction, arrogance, indulgence over taking responsibility for myself, but this has and is still changing. You blog has inspired me to be even more honest with myself to expose the areas in myself and my relationships where I have blame others for my dramas not been prepared to take responsibility.
I really connected also with what you have shared here Lucy. For me it is an awareness around still feeding or indulging in the dramas, and I find this can be so subtle that I do not even realise it is happening at times until I am well and truly in it. Lately, there is something arising in me giving me the hint that I have gone into some form of indulgence, and when I follow that feeling I usually discover it was the truth and then I can make a different choice. This is a very powerful blog.
I loved your honesty and directness I could very much feel how I have behaved the same way in relationships, it was like you were writing my story too. I carried an arrogance that I was ok and the blame was with my husband, learning to be humble tender and loving has slowly dispersed the hardness and arrogance I was carrying. I still find a hidden pocket of hardness where I have not been loving with myself, but rather than ignoring them I now embrace them knowing that this not only supports me but supports all my relationships.
Absolutely Alison. Thanks for sharing how you embrace the areas where you find you’re still being hard on yourself, simply as an area to be aware of so that you can bring that awareness and more love into all of your relationships. A lovely reminder that how we are with ourselves is how we are with others, too.
Other people are definitely not responsible for what we choose and not choose for ourselves. No one has the responsibility to rescue us from our choices. Humanity needs to know this.
I agree with what you’ve shared here. It really is our responsibility first, to foster a loving, gentle relationship with ourselves that calls out judgement and external ideals and beliefs that hold us captive. Playing the victim, as it is always a choice, is a way of saying, ‘I don’t want to take responsibility here, can you do it for me?’. A game I no longer wish to play as by stepping into my power sets me free to be all that I am regardless of where others may be at.
Thank you for being so honest about how we can actually be adding to the disharmony in our relationships when we are pointing fingers and expecting another to fill us in some way. Love is actually who we are, and honouring that relationship with us is key to sharing a full and loving relationship with another.
Taking an honest look at ourselves is a first step to understanding why we think we need something from the other person in a relationship. Treating ourselves with gentleness and tenderness and love is the essential ingredient for a true relationship with ourselves.
How you have transformed you and your relationship is very inspiring as you have shown that there is another naturally loving way. It is so true what you have shared – how can we expect anyone to treat us tenderly if we don’t treat ourselves in this way first. And not just physically as I can feel how being hard on myself or pressuring myself is not honoring the tenderness that I naturally am within. Thank you for sharing and reflecting how vital it is in building any loving relationship, to take responsibility for how we feel rather that placing that responsibility on another.
It’s funny how this has always been one of those ‘hallmark card’ kind of sayings . “You can’t Love someone else until you love yourself”. But if we actually take that out of the cheery and emotional facebook style post and look at it for real – it is very profound and very real.
Are we willing to understand and explore what it truly means to Love ourselves. Or just leave it as a post on facebook?
Well said Carola, and great blog
Exactly Brendan. Any demands on another to love us causes resentment and reactions, whereas reflecting the love we have for ourselves to another always offers the choice for them to pull themselves up to that love as well. A much more glorious way to relate.
It’s such a big lesson. Fixing is not the way, love is our true foundation.
Anonymous reading your blog was the dose of medicine I needed today – being tender with me. Thank you.
I love your honesty and willingness to look at your life in another way. That instead of blaming and passing the buck you realised that the only way things would change unless you reflected how you were in all that you were doing. Very inspiring.
How beautifully honest is this writing, and with such honesty we will lay a new path of return, for humanity, back to the foundation of all relationships, and that is, our natural ability to be truly self loving. What a gift and a blessing for us all.
I love what you have shared here Anonymous. I can relat to seeking what I was not being and connecting with in myself from partners in the past. Now, years after meeting and listening to the presentations of Serge Benhayon I have been claiming the love I hold with in, taking responsibility for me meeting myself by being tender, honouring and self caring each and everyday. This quality has grown the relationships I have with others, especially those close to me as I longer hold them responsible for me feeling content and joyful.
I remember when I use to blame everyone else when things didn’t go right, it wasn’t until I attended a presentation by Universal Medicine that I got to realise the self responsibility we have for our own choices and through those choices we get a different reflection. Being connected to myself has changed my awareness, and from that awareness I make more self loving choices.
What an awesome blog, I love it. I can so relate to looking at the other, in this case a partner, and only having the focus on him, while all the time the focus can just be at myself and the relationship I have with myself. I am becoming more and more aware how often ‘I am with others’, to just call myself back and knowing that it is all here, just with me.
Really powerful and so honest article and I can totally relate to that in my past relationships. Now I’ve started to focuss on my relationship with me and to return to this tender, precious and lovely woman I am and just reclaim that for myself and therefore for everybody I am in touch/contact with. The interesting thing is, that this morning I connected to my chair and felt that everytime I needed to move my chair or stand up, it was like I touched something really, really precious 🙂
This blog brings up much to consider around relationships and the choices we have to reflect or deflect. Your honesty and courage to pull back what was being put on another and choosing to look more deeply within is inspiring. Consider all of the other relationships in which we choose to hide all that needs to be exposed, a wealth of richness just waiting to be lived – Wow
What a wonderful sharing of how we can bring love and tenderness to ourselves and how that affects everything, especially our relationships.
What Anonymous has shared with us in this blog, just goes to show how when we make changes in ourselves, things around us magically starts to change too.
What you put out is what is reflected back mccannelizabeth.
I feel this blog is relatable and implacable to all relationships, as the quality of our personal relationship is shared with everyone else and everything we have a relationship with. The last question really stood out for me, and not just because it was bolded. If I choose to love myself, and treat my body with tenderness and gentleness regardless of how I have treated it in the past or at times continue to treat it what would happen? Holding onto and highlighting everything that is wrong in relationships and trying/forcing things to change doesn’t make anything go away so why not a different approach?
… and knowing that that different approach is one that comes from a deeper connection to what is within us already, as deeply nurturing women, is truly life changing!
This sentence stood out for me ‘How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgement to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already’. Wow! Now that’s what I call taking responsibility. An inspiring blog – thank you for sharing.
It is truly amazing the difference it makes to everything in our lives when we accept responsibility for what is going on in our lives.
This is a fantastic blog, I love how you write about taking responsibility for self and how this transforms relationships. We’ve so been sold an idea that it all comes from our partner and then it’s happily ever after. It’s a completely different paradigm to care for and nurture the self and in this responsibility bring the fullness of self to the table and a true possibility of shared love, without the ‘need’ for the other to provide it. It’s my second read and I still thoroughly enjoy your exquisite articulate expression, your honesty, and ability to spell it out exactly as it is. That in itself is healing to experience. More please!
I am finding that honesty is transforming my relationship with myself and with people. The more honest I am becoming, the more open my relationships are becoming also. There feels a new level of trust building as I choose to accept that I am not perfect, but that I am willing to be honest and to look at those choices I am still making that are not so harmonious for myself and others. This blog is a testament to this, and I love reading the conversation it has started for us all.
‘more tenderness, gentleness and consistent connection’, beautiful, an amazing turn around from blame, misunderstanding, and fuming resentment. Well done, really, well done and thank you to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for the inspiration.
I love your comment this morning Lisa. I can really feel how patience with ourselves is so important here also. This is a process as we move from one way of being to another, and with the inspiration and amazing tools offered to us by Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health, I am deeply appreciative.
Hi Anna, yes I agree patience with ourselves is important as is true appreciation of our willingness to open up to the truth of who we are, developing that tenderness we feel.
I used to think tender was a word only to be used when cleaning up a grazed knee of a child, a look or touch between 2 people in love……
It is with deep appreciation that due to presentations by Serge and Natalie Benhayon and working with other Universal Medicine Practitioners I’m discovering the sheer joy of my own tenderness and what that means in my relationship with myself and all others.
Yes tenderness was something alien to me on a daily basis and a tender touch was only reserved for love making, but today I can say that this wasn’t tenderness at all! My hardness was massive and what I then considered as tender I would called today hard and not loving. It is amazing how we can reconnect to our innate tenderness and fragility and embrace the power of living in this absolute delicateness.
Being tender with myself is not something I had considered until it was delivered through Universal Medicine presentations. Now it is a quality that can be applied to every area of my life and I adore it when I see others being tender with each other as well, truly gorgeous.
Throughout my life I felt abandon, life would run on anxiety and most of the time I was busy being there for others and I never quite connected to the possibility, to be there for me ! and that I was actually abandoning myself . Even if my partner was there for me I could not let him in. Discovering a tenderness within has turned my life around and my partner now reflects that back to me, amazing turnaround. Anonymous your blog exposes most simply if we drop the game and appreciate our own beauty and our partners in return.
This is a lovely sharing because of your honesty and your learning to take more responsibility for yourself in your relationships. Thank you I enjoyed reading this and reflecting on my own relationships.
As a single woman this is a great reminder that I can always have the relationship I truly want – a tender relationship with me. Your blog really touched me anonymous and I feel inspired to be far more tender with myself.
I agree Leonne, this blog completely honours our first relationship – that with ourselves.
Isn’t it funny that we have to remind ourselves what our first relationship is with ourselves – I was so surprised and felt so guilty about not giving my all to others yet none got anything of me till I gave to myself first.
Great point Lucy, we so often think that giving to others first is the ‘right’ way to behave. It is so important to recognise that the quality of what we give to others comes with how we are with ourselves.
Yes, a very poignant reminder Leonne, and every time I catch myself looking on the outside for love, I pull myself back in the knowing that the only true place to find that tender relationship I am seeking, is within my inner heart.
You are right Sandra, it really does pay to lovingly remind ourselves of the truth each time a thought to the contrary pops in.
Thank you Sandra, Leonne and Anoymous, a very beautiful reminder for me today to be very tender with myself, and to appreciate how far I have come, with the next moment being an opportunity to go deeper.
“a tender relationship with me…”
I am single too Leonne, and I am feeling how lucky I am having the tender me all to myself…! And when I go out I can share that me with everyone I meet.
Glorious Leonne I agree with you one hundred percent. Here’s to deeply appreciating our beautiful tender selves.
Most definitely.
I totally agree with you Kelly
‘As a single woman this is a great reminder that I can always have the kind of relationship I truly want.’ That is amazing Leonne – how many people wait for someone else to have a great relationship? It makes so much sense to start now and build that with yourself.
I am so glad to be reminded of my own words today as lately thoughts have crept in that I am a failure in relationships if I do not have a partner. Thank you Meg.
We all think totally crazy things sometimes 🙂 The truth is you can have the best relationship o your life with or without a partner.
I too am learning this, that the best and truest relationship we have is that with ourselves first. I am discovering a very simple equation ~ that as I become more loving with myself, in the simplest of ways, all my relationships are slowly becoming more open and loving also ~ very beautiful, and a testament to the power of ‘relationship with self’.
Annamccormack26 I have found exactly this too, the more deeply I cherish myself, the more deeply I cherish others. Actually when I start feeling annoyed at others that could be a great sign my relationship with myself is not ok – that’s very cool!
Hi Meg, I love this, when I am feeling annoyed at others this is a great sign that something is up with my relationship with me. A good reason to pull up those emotions and see what is really going on.
Meg, thanks for the great tip, if I get annoyed with someone this is a check to see how my relationship with myself is going. You’ve just helped me unblock something that I was searching an answer for. I was trying to get the answer from my head but with your words I was able to feel the answer in my body. Thank you Meg
This is a huge revelation for me too, it is a bit like retraining my mind to realise that being annoyed is never someone else’s fault, and to always bring it back to me.
Yes the first couple of times you let the emotion in and it’s not until after you realise what you’ve done. Then you begin to recognise what is happening in your body and you start to learn how to manage the annoyance or whatever emotion you are dealing with. You may stumble and fall a few times but isn’t that how we all learnt to walk? Eventually we all become masters of our emotions.
It took me a long time to realise that emotions are not actually part of me, they don’t naturally belong to who I am, they are just reactions to life.
Yes I totally agree Meg. To understand that emotions are not apart of our natural being is a tough nut to crack. At the beginning when this is presented to you, you are hearing it for the first time living in your emotions. Some emotions are easily exposed and others we have a real attachment to and are harder to see and to let go of. We are naturally light just like the sunshine. We are just like flowers, all equally beautiful with no competition and we are like the animals in the wild, highly tuned in to our environment.
True – I find it astonishing what we THINK is part of our natural make-up, but is in actual fact not part of us.
I love Meg your words that the emotions aren’t part of you, that they don’t belong to who you are. I have never quite heard anyone express it in this way and the simplicity of your words very powerful.
Thank you Anna, I grew up thinking that my emotional turmoil was actually just an uncontrollable part of who I was – how wrong was I 🙂 it was simply my way of dealing with a world I didn’t like the look of, now I am learning that just because something in the world is wrong it does not have to have that effect on me.
‘I grew up thinking that my emotional turmoil was actually just an uncontrollable part of who I was – how wrong was I’. Again Meg, blown away. I love how a simple expression can have such a powerful impact. I am only just now empowering myself to understand that which you have here shared, so it is very beautiful to feel it well established in the body of another.
There’s a really strong sense of self-responsibility in this blog, that I feel is an important reminder and surely many others do too. Thank you.
I agree Oliver, its an awesome blog on self responsibility, showing how in taking responsibility we can make amazing changes in our lives and relationships.
I loved reading this blog, thank you for sharing your experiences with us. The deeply healing part for me is the confirmation of feeling that I too have come to similar realisations about myself in all my relationships. The part that stood out the most today was… “And most of all there’s a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart, and feeling how incredible it is to be the powerful, graceful and truly tender woman that I am finally allowing myself to be, and in my relationship too.” This, for me, is self-appreciation and this has supported me to appreciate and allow myself to feel people in a completely different way.
A beautiful and honest piece that allows others to feel the potential a true relationship, first with ourselves then others. I can certainly relate to the blaming and need to fix head space which is exhausting and keeps me from feeling appreciative. My partner offers nothing less then tenderness and adoration constantly but I still find myself wanting to go deeper without appreciating what we already share. This mirrors how I am with myself and know that responsibility must be taken.
I love rereading this blog as each time I am reminded of another aspect of my life I get to stop and appreciate. Holding ourselves in the love we crave is the most precious gift one can give ones self.
‘tenderness, gentleness and consistent connection” this is a lovely way to start, and continue the day
What a great realisation – taking responsibility for oneself is deeply healing. Enjoy your tenderness – it’s for everyone to see and feel.
Wow great blog. It felt like your words were describing exactly what I used to do and still do at times. It really does come back to holding ourselves in the love we crave and therefore letting go of the resentment and blame and reclaiming our true power as women.
I love reading this, “letting go of the resentment and blame” it resonated deeply in my body. I have blamed life, people and situations for so much of my woes, when really it was down to me and the choices I made. We could go down the road of beating ourselves, but as I am coming to realise that doesn’t serve anybody – It’s all about self responsibility in the most amazing and joyful way.
Hi Gyl,
I agree, reading this blog is a joy in itself, it offers us the opportunity to see another way, a way that is deeply rewarding as we discover the joy of taking responsibility for loving ourselves, being tender with ourselves and allowing ourselves to express all that we are – ourselves being the key here. I am finding there is no greater love then that which is within me, so when I have moments of anxiousness or emptiness I now have a foundation, however still growing, to come back to that love. For me, I feel there is no truer path.
Yes Gyl, beautifully shared and thank you for reminding me of the joy in true responsibility.
This is a great blog – true of all relationships, friends, family and partners. Our expectations on others and our reactions when those expectations are not met harm us all. When we can accept that everything is a reflection and can begin to take responsibility for our own hurts, treating ourselves with that love and tenderness then life begins to change. I know those confrontational moments all too well when we stand up for ourselves and change the way things have been for far too long but as you say ‘there’s a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart.’ This can be powerful and tender at the same time.
I love this line “take responsibility for our own hurts’ – I can feel the joy in that, and the true freedom it brings – to everybody.
I have lived this to some degree in most if not all of my relationships – if only this person would sort their stuff out then I would be fine. Passing the buck only serves to keep one in the illusion that it is definitely everyone else that needs to get it together even though there is a huge tidal wave of responsibility being held at bay by a very thick wall of arrogance. Realising that we have to start with ourselves makes so much sense and halves the exhaustion in a flash – building true appreciation and love with yourself takes time and deep care – it never ends just gets simpler and more loving in each and everyday.
I have also realised that I make excuses and blame my partner for this or that but really I have to really appreciate my loving, supportive and tender partner. I have been inspired to look at myself first and see why I choose to blame others for not making more loving choices? I also have to learn to truly appreciate how awesome my partner is and learn to be more intimate, tender and loving towards myself and others. This is a very honest blog and I love the reminder too.
This is a beautiful comment Chan Ly. Your partner is already very blessed to have you even in your openness to appreciate.
Being responsible to love and adore ourselves and not putting this expectation on others is relationship 101 yet this is so far from how we grow up and watch everyone in the world going about relationships. It is in our culture, in our movies and television shows, its even in our psychology i.e. ‘is that other person full-filing your needs?’ or ‘are you getting something out of the relationship?’ or simply ‘are you compatible? Maybe that’s the problem’. Thanks for writing this blog as it starts a discussion, an exploration about the love we all look for, and more often than not look for outside of ourselves for. As you so beautifully nail, we don’t just look for love we impose the expectation another should deliver the love we want and need, then blame the other when we don’t feel loved, even though they simply can’t.
I love what you discovered and shared when you started to take responsibility, it felt strong and yes,sexy. The world needs to hear more about this kind of relationship as we have been fooled into believing to find love we need to find ‘that other’, this creates so much anguish for people,both in the looking and then when ‘the other’ does not deliver.
This is so confirming that it is always worth speaking up, getting real with what we are feeling and taking responsibility for what we have been choosing. It can seem so much easier to blame another but as you found the harm was first your body and then in the relationship. There will always be shaky moments as we readjust and introduce more love but then of course you end up with a deeper, truer relationship. Its win win really.
It seems to be a common reaction to blame this, that and everything – and especially one’s partner and their oh, so obvious shortcomings – for what we have not taken responsibility for ourselves. But blame has never resolved, improved or shifted anything, and never will. But taking responsibility sure has and still does, consistently so! Only thing is: it’s not for cowards.
This is a great blog and covers so much of the things that have and do crop up within my own relationship. It is amazing how we expect others to be a certain way with us when we are not that with ourselves. Lots to ponder on here.
This is revelation. To find true love in a relationship we need to have first brought true love to ourselves. Thank you.
I found this inspiring: “Now I’m starting to let go of the control and experiment with what happens when I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.”
Taking the lead by being myself….that’s a (R)evolutionary thought! I love it.
Such an amazing article – So much of what you have shared here just touches on so many little tricks we play with ourselves into trying to pass the ‘blame’ onto everyone else about the way we feel with our life/lives not flowing in a way we want it too. Hands up me too – wanting my partner to bail me out with tenderness or a hug to say all will be well when in fact many a time I’d go into re-action and complete denial that I initiated this response in the first place. Amazingly the changes that take place when we add self love into our lives for me this just opens up a whole new way of approaching relationships – allowing true expression, great listening skills and a beautiful reflection back that says we are all in this together – equally so. Thank you Annonymous.
This is so very much my own experience in the past Marian, looking for someone to bail me out of my own self created emotional sagas, with a hug, a supportive word , a little tenderness, and although this is ok, and definitely can be needed for us along the way, the true answer is a continual growth and taking of self responsibility to a) not choose this emotional/reactive way in the first place and b) know that we have it within ourselves to catch this behaviour and bring ourselves back to a place of steadiness within – to our stillness. This is what I am very tenderly discovering in myself right now and although I still have those moments where I feel like I need a hug when something is challenging me, more often then not it is my own hug that is enough, and this is allowing more room for hugs with the people in my life to be about connection and greeting and not about need.
Love what you write here Anna about your own hug being enough. It feels so expansive and gorgeous when we connect to others from a foundation of love and tenderness that we’ve given to ourselves first.
Thanks Bryony, the hug has turned into a warm embrace from within now.
Loving and caring for me is becoming my new foundation for living. As you say, it can be challenging not to caught up in the world and the pace and disregard around me, however whenever I do I feel anxious and horrible, feeling like I have enjoined and become part of the abuse. Loving and caring for me in every moment allows me to bring this love and care to the world and all of my relationships, taking responsibility for the part I play in the world and feeling how life then loves and cares for me back.
What an enormously insightful blog Anonymous, and what a revelation you had in realising that your relationship is with yourself first. Relationships do take work, even the relationship with our self, but the more love we have for ourselves, the easier it becomes to work on our relationships with others, as I feel there is less reaction and more honesty, therefore leading to more truth. Thank you for sharing your experience that relationships can grow, from the inside out.
Wanting people to stop reacting so that you don’t have to react just sounds so silly when you say it out loud. However we all do it and I defiantly have. So thanks for giving me a little laugh anonymous.
I am always amazed how life shifts around me as a result of making a shift within myself. Each time showing me how powerful I am with my choices, that we are creating our own reality by what we are choosing each moment. When I blame another for my problems there is no learning and thus no evolution.
Your story reminds me of these truths and how true change is in our own hands…
I agree Marika, I love feeling those shifts and how little by little I feel myself losing dependence on things around me for recognition as I come more into the knowing of my greatness without these things (there is layers of this for me), and also with the blame – how choosing more and more to bring it back to me and my part across the board in all my relationships is allowing me to see the world and myself very differently – with new found responsibility. This practice I am always working at, and I can see how the old habit/pattern of blaming out is no longer the default, although still there as a choice I am making less and less.
It is such a powerful revelation that to ‘fix’ a relationship we need to first look within ourselves and develop a loving, gentle and tender relationship with ourself. I feel very inspired by your post. Thank you for sharing your story.
When we can simply start to be honest… yes there is this anxiousness running through one …it is there and as a result there is reaction instead of contemplative listening. There is attachment, and so more reactions.
Connecting with ourselves is simply the bottom line for healing all relationships. Recognising honestly , with awareness, allows for true change to start.
This is so awesome. I so relate to what it’s like to blame another for the faults in the relationship, but on later reflection realised that equally at play was my own expectations and need for attention that created many of the issues!
You are right Mary, these are very wise words and the true and humble beginnings of responsibility. The greatest part is, its never too late to start. And as you say (and I too am discovering right now), it’s a choice well worth making.
I loved reading this! It is so true and what a great question to ask, why don’t we give all that tenderness, attention and deep care to ourselves and look for it from the outside to come? I am learning this very much at the moment too and it is really lovely to feel how my relationship with myself has deepened in the past few years. I noticed that since the last couple of months I have been in a relationship and that has even accelerated the deepening of my relationship with myself. How beautiful is that!
It is too easy to blame our partners when a relationship isn’t how we ‘want’ it to be rather than look at ourselves to see how we are contributing to the relationship and how we are treating ourselves. That’s responsibility.
I love your comment Sandra, that is responsibility, everything is an opportunity for us to learn and grow. If I catch myself blaming another – I’m like stop, okay what is your part in this, without beating myself up, and then it’s a great or sometimes an ouch I can change how I am. For me blame = stopping and taking responsibility for self. It makes life so much more simple, light, easy and fun.
I agree Sandra, I have experienced first hand how damaging not taking responsibility can be in relationships. From this I have come to see that self responsibility is a foundation needed for any relationship to have the potential to be harmonious and truly loving. With this in tow, i now approach my relationships very differently and they are so much more real and enjoyable, even though there are still ‘sticky’ moments.
It all comes back to self, there is no one else when we are looking for Love,,tenderness and devotion something that should be taught in all homes. The power of responsibility. Thank you Anonymous.
What a beautiful turn around for you, your partner and your relationship. It seems evident that when we think the problem is about others, we have no control over what happens, but when we realize the fact that we are also part of what ever problem we have, and take the right steps towards change, we really can make changes.
What a beaut article – thank you anonymous. This should be in every relationship counselling site/book/info sheet for all people to read. This one comment “Why was I waiting for him to show me tenderness, gentleness and love first, instead of being and living all of those qualities myself?” particularly stood out because when I separated from my partner, and then attended a Universal Medicine Relationships Workshop – I saw so clearly that I was outsourcing love to my ex. I had been asking him to bring love, understand, tenderness and appreciation to me when I was not even prepared to bring them to myself. No wonder I was always in some form of frustration. So liberating to know this and to learn how to bring it to me. My next relationship will be so much different as so much of what I ‘needed’ from my partner I am now brining to me. So I can be much freer and far less imposing in my next relationship….giddy up!
This is beautiful! I love how clearly and simply you share such important truths about ourselves in relationships.
Oh boy do I know this game or what! The blame, the resentment and the not taking responsibility with the aim of using the partner or relationship as a distraction to not deal with your own issues. I have experienced this myself and I see it with many couples. A game that serves no one. Thank you anonymous for sharing in words a well known behaviour in relationships to bring understanding and the simplicity of taking responsibility to develop and nurture a loving relationship with ourselves.
It has to be one of the most popular games played here on Earth – I also know the art of blaming another for the distraction and justification of my own irresponsibility.
I love the responsibility you are revealing here in your blog- noone is responsible to give you what you need. It is very intense how much pressure we put on another – partner or friend, doesn´t matter. Lovely to read your blog, because it deepens my understanding of it even more.
‘I…… used to blame him (my partner) for quite a list of things, such as not being emotionally supportive, not understanding me, and not giving me what I thought I needed’. The ‘Prince Charming’ syndrome is quite widespread amongst women – we put ourselves under the pressure to find the perfect partner who is going to fulfill us until the end of our days. And we also put tremendous pressure on men who are never going to achieve this unachievable task so nobody is happy ! How about instead starting to love oneself and nurture a true self-caring relationship with oneself and then meet people with an openness, an honesty and an equalness that is very liberating. And men find it sexy too !
Thank you again Anonymous for such a great article.
I was caught up in this cycle too. I am glad to have read this article and It has reminded me how horrible it was for me and my dear husband. It feels so lovely to feel tender and gentle with myself. And a releaf to have” sacked” myself from the position of the great fixer/controller. It is empowering to be responsible for my own actions and choices only.
I love reading how the relationship with yourself and then another has developed..thank you and even though not in a relationship with another I can relate to what is shared here in relationship to myself and family. “And most of all there’s a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart, and feeling how incredible it is to be the powerful, graceful and truly tender woman that I am finally allowing myself to be, and in my relationship too.”
Connecting more to the tenderness within me has given my relationships a whole new refresh. No longer do I hold back and expect others to make my life complete.
Thank you Anonymous for sharing this awesome blog ✨
I too have learnt that if I be tender and loving with myself that I do not need nor demand this from a man. This is very freeing for a man as the pressure is not on him to fulfil me. I am responsible for this and this gives us an opportunity to develop a mutually loving relationship.
I love Mary Louise how you say here ‘this gives us an opportunity to develop a mutually loving relationship’ and how freeing it is for a man to not have to fulfil a woman. I have been there done that all my life, looked for the man to bring me the tenderness I wasn’t choosing to offer myself. It is now a blessing to be given the opportunity to start from anew developing tenderness and love with myself first.
Yes I too have looked to a man to be tender with me – I’d go as far as to say I craved it and silently demanded it, yet I wasn’t being tender with myself first. This is a lovely reminder to keep developing the tenderness with myself.
Yes Sandra it’s amazing isn’t it. Such a beautiful process from becoming aware of how much we have looked to others to do for us what we can COMPLETELY and wholy bring to ourselves. I am discovering self tenderness and it has been a true blessing for me. When I feel it, I want to really stop, appreciate and bathe myself in it as it feels such a loving way to hold myself.
Forever developing and deepening tenderness with self – I am with you Sandra, this is now my ongoing homework for life. I feel there to be no end to the level of tenderness we can connect with.
That’s gorgeous Anna…no end to the level of tenderness we can connect with…I am inspired to keep going deeper in how tender I can be with myself, and then of course naturally with others.
That’s gorgeous Anna…no end to the level of tenderness that we can connect with…and as we connect to it within ourselves, we can’t not bring that to everyone else.
What you say is simple Mary Louise, obvious almost when put like this, and yet it is the total opposite from what we are lead to expect. I keep remembering all of the magazines and stuff that I read as a teenager and young adult that fed to me a consistent message that a man must provide me with this romance. I cant recall ever reading anything that spoke of my responsibility for first bringing tenderness and love to me, so that I then brought that into a relationship.
It is so true Anonymous , when we for example expect form our partner to be tender with us and we are not able to be tender with ourselves first, we will never be able to receive this from our partner at all. We will construct all kinds of situations that will even withhold our partner from being tender with us, situations leading us to a mutual resentment to each other where we blame each other for not providing that what we miss that much in ourselves. How crazy this is. We can only receive what we are living and we can build this through taking care for ourselves and starting to develop a relationship with our inner most first, our inner most where the tenderness resides and can be found.
Expressing what we are truly feeling quite surprisingly is not the norm in the present day world, but how powerful to be aware of it and to observe the changes within ourselves and others when we do so. Thank you Anonymous.
Brilliant blog thank you. I too have found that my relationships have deepened and become more loving the more I choose to live with connection to my own love and treat myself with tenderness. I learnt how to re-connect to the love I am within by attending Universal Medicine courses and presentations. The practical, real and grounded advice presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has been life changing and without it I would still be having relationships based on protecting myself from getting hurt instead of having relationships, like I do now, based on openness and love.
I love what you share here Bianca and it is also my own experience. My relationship with my children, my friends, family and the people I share my day with at work are all opening up so much the more I focus on developing my connection with me, Loving me first, being tender with myself first, and then this just emanates from me and into my relationships with others. Its not perfect and I am still having reactions and finding myself going into protection when the stickier issues arise, but it is definitely less and less these days, and I am committed to working on this every day, for the rest of my days…..forever a student of life.
What a lovely blog and explanation of your blaming mentality. I am discovering that I also demand the love that I want from those around me, and when they don’t give it to me I shut them off and cut all ties with them … It’s horrible.
Awsome blog ! I can relate to it entirely. In the relationship I had previously it was pretty much what you shared above. I have always been a shocker for wanting someone to come care for me so I didn’t have to do it for myself… As you have said – how can you expect someone to treat you tenderly when you are rough and pretty much mean to yourself…I always wanted partners to see my beauty- yet I rarely thought that I was beautiful and put myself down all the time… That doesn’t create a good basis for others to go off, and no wonder they have trouble seeing or expressing it when your not showing it.
Oh so true Emily, I was here as well, always wanting it from others. Whats amazing for me is that I am now experiencing how beautiful it is to bring this ton myself, and that the rest is just a bonus. And even more, its only just the beginning, each day I am finding there is a deeper love to offer to myself.
Beautiful Anna
What a wonderful journey. Thank you for sharing what most of us have done in past relationships and the shame and guilt we feel when we finally realise that it is up to us to reconnect with ourselves rather than look to others to make our relationships better.
How amazing are our relationships when we do reconnect with ourselves first then others. Beautiful.
Yes, it seems so easy to play the ‘blame game’ with another; rather than choosing our true responsibility – living a deeply loving relationship with ourselves first.
Beautiful simple post and very relatable, and your words … “Sorting Myself Out and Looking Within” says it all – starting with ourselves as the basis point allows us to have the quality of relationship we either have, or would like.
Your blog reminded me of the inner knowing that change begins with ourselves first & foremost & then we watch how everything around us then changes. We are so powerful with our choices.
I have learnt that whenever there is a problem in my life or an issue with a person there is equally something there for me to learn and unfold in this world of co-creation. Each one of us inspiring someone to be & express the love that we know deep in our hearts.
It is amazing how deep the unspoken expectations are in relationships, and how such expectations stop us from actually just dropping the game we all play, and simply appreciating both our own beauty, and the simple beauty our partners have to offer in return.
Beautiful Adam. Lets focus on what is true and build and appreciate that in our relationships.
Well said Adam. It is really time to stop playing games and to appreciate each other for what we really are – love.
Yes I agree, the more love and tenderness I allow for myself, the more I can also allow to receive it from someone else. I know that I sometimes cannot take the love and tenderness from my partner because it exposes how little I have been doing this for me, so on those days I avoid him. If I keep denying, not owning up for it I then could start to turn it around on him and complain that he is avoiding me, etc. it is a strange game that we play at times and really all it is about is that I have not been tender and loving with myself that day.
I so love the common sense and wisdom that is being shared around relationships here. I know that if a particular issue comes up for me and I want to avoid feeling it I will deflect it outwards and find something to pin on my husband thereby sneakily avoiding all responsibility for dealing with what needs to be dealt with. However as soon as I nominate to myself what is really going on I naturally feel so much more loving and open with my husband simply because I have been honest and I am not lacing him with all my own negative emotions. I also leave myself open to feeling vulnerable and his support is naturally let in, and instantly we become much more tender, loving and supportive of one another.
I felt drawn to re-reading your article and once again feel so inspired – inspired to keep offering myself the tenderness that is so easy to expect or even crave from others – this is stepping up to the responsibility of really being there for ourselves…Thank you once again.
What a lovely account of true transformation in relationships – thank you. How arrogant we can be when we point the finger at our partners whilst thinking we are just fine! To be in a relationship with someone who takes responsibility for themselves is truly joy-full.
This is a very inspiring read! What a great turn around. Isn’t it great to not be so anxious all the time which leads to getting on top of being exhausted.Win win.
Wow this is so inspiring to read – and something that I can certainly relate to – how easily I have and sometimes still do, rely on others around me to give me what I lack from my disconnection! How beautifully you have turned it around and allowed yourself to be empowered in this classic situation, and instead taken things into your own hands and heart. Well done – a well worthy read and re-read especially because of the blossoming of you that can be felt here.
I love the honesty of this blog, the realisation that true relationship starts with self and then you take all of you to all your other relationships.
Your blog about your relationship with yourself and your partner made me giggle, – especially the first paragraph.” Yup”. I’m nodding and giggling out of sheer recognition, – and of the absurdity of it all. When I’m not in a relationship I can’t blame anything on anyone else, but it’s so easy to do, and so “logical” to blame all kinds of things on a partner. Woaza! Thank you for the reminder that it’s all about looking within, connecting to ourselves and that’s where the love starts. That makes the most sense in the world.
Thank-you for such a depth of honesty, ‘anonymous’. As others have shared here, I have also found that deepening the relationship with myself has been the fundamental determining factor, if you will, of the quality of relationships I have with all others.
But what I most appreciate here is the exposure of what so many women hold onto, and don’t seem to want to let go – the imbedded and deep resentment and blame upon a partner, always frustrated that ‘he’ (or she) isn’t fully appreciating and honouring them. An imbeddedness in which no-one reveals who they truly are, where a depth of honesty in communicating is withheld, and basically all miss out on love – the ‘real deal’ of love.
I absolutely honour your choice to discover the ‘real deal’ of the love that is you, anonymous. How powerful, and how amazing to bring this to all relationships in your life. ‘Tis an ever-unfolding process, but so deeply worth it.
So true Victoria. In my previous marriage I was so resentful if my partner didn’t want to spend time with me or wasn’t expressing his love and appreciation for me. I would get so frustrated and not know what to do with such a buildup of tension. I now realise that it was my own love, appreciation and tenderness that I needed to give myself, and the rest was simply an ongoing discussion and development to take place in the relationship, not a demand or cause for explosion as it was for me. I now feel I am armed and ready with a new found understanding in how to approach my relationships forward, not with perfection, but in constantly developing and taking more responsibility for myself and learning much about love in the process.
‘How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?’ I love what you’ve written here. Great question you ask, that applies to all of my relationships! Thank you, you’ve given me much to be inspired by and focus on.
I love reading this blog. Each time it is a reminder for me that it always come back to our relationship with self, and that this is ever evolving, there is always more. More tenderness, more understanding, more acceptance, more joy and more love, more everything, it never stops. Embracing this is changing how I approach each day – an opportunity to choose more of all of these things in all that i do. If I allow a little more each day in just one of these areas, that is something to celebrate.
What you have written is so important. The direction the world is constantly moving in is to always be looking outside – for answers, for love, for everything and anything. It almost the unfashionable thing to look within, the thing we don’t even think of.
And relationships are a huge factor in this equation. We don’t stop to assess the harm we do when we seek outside for the connection and intimacy we can only truly find within ourselves, first.
What if we went in the opposite direction of the trend and met ourselves? What then could be the quality of our relationships?
Lovely to hear how you chose to take a look at yourself and your part in the relationship, and to start building your relationship with yourself. Feels like a great foundation for growing a relationship with another!
This is a beautiful blog – honest and taking responsibility for one’s own love and joy.
Not reacting to our external environment seems to be a crucial part of maintaining our wellbeing, for it is impossible to do so if we are in reaction to things we can’t control. Great that you recognised that you were looking to your partner to provide what only you could truly give yourself, this is a revelation that would improve a great many relationships. I discussed recently with another man how many relationships sour because they are started based on a need, and a compromise, that creates a searching outside of oneself for the other to provide what we can only really ever give ourselves.
This is so true Stephen. As a woman I did this my whole life – looked to my partner to bring me the love I refused to bring myself. Now I am learning that the love that is within me, and that I choose to live is what I bring to my relationships. This is a very different way from what I knew before.
Thank you for this blog anonymous. “..a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am” – these words stood out for me as the depth of this relationship is never ending and the connection I can have with myself and then with others, inclusive of my partner, can be so much more loving and true. I am realising that my relationship with me in whatever quality I choose is what I bring to all others and that I cannot look to anyone else to fill any picture or needs of what I think things should be like. Instead there is an ease to be felt in living in a way that takes responsibility for me and then doesn’t place uncomfortable pressure on my relationships to do anything else but feel nurtured and supported to grow.
We forget the power is in the tenderness and love we have with ourselves, and when we have this we don’t need anything from another and are able to just be with others. A dedication to self well worth the choice. Thanks again for the reminder.
Beautiful, honest reflection on relationships. There’s no getting away from the fact that it all begins with ourselves and this blog reflects the power in seeing and embracing this truth. Thank you.
Yes Richard I agree. This must be one of my favourite blogs to read and it never gets old. Bringing us back to the truth that it is always and ever about how we are with ourselves first and that everything else starts from this place. Knowing this, and really feeling the absolute truth of it more recently, it is inspiration enough for me to start truly and deeply loving myself.
Wow, what a perfect blog for me to read today! Anonymous, I thankyou! I can feel so much truth in this blog for me, that I too have had expectations and dependencies on men, growing up hooked by the romantic ideal that a partner delivers us the wonderful feelings we crave, however as you’ve highlighted, these are really born from our relationship to ourselves. It’s a huge expectation to believe a partner must deliver all of this, instead of realising it’s all within and our own responsibility.
Yes, it is all about the relationship with ourselves. If we can’t be tender with ourselves, how can we expect that from another or as you say be rescued by your boyfriend. I have experienced that this turn around, focusing on me and how tender I am with me, is the marker how I am/will be with another – whether boyfriend, sister or neighbour.
You hit the nail on the head… And it is true for both men and women that what we most want from our partner is what we have been denying ourselves – a greater more intimate connection, tenderness, love and appreciation for the truly amazing being that we are. The opportunity and reflection that relationships offer us to see what we deny ourselves of is an absolute blessing.
Very tenderly shared Rob.
I agree Rob
How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything? We all know that we must learn to love ourselves first but how many of us honestly ask the question especially when we are in a relationship, we can be so quick to use the blame card, this is a beautiful blog that I will definitely come back to again. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this truly loving way to be, the ability to just stay with oneself in tenderness and allow others to be where they are at or feel what they are feeling. How very very lovely.
A great example of how to deepen and grow a relationship. How often do we play the blame game and point the finger outwards to something outside of ourselves rather than taking responsibility for our own way of being. To be gentle and loving come what may – I love this very simple blueprint for how to live in all my relationships going forwards.
Thank you anonymous, each time I read this blog I feel more inspired to deepen my level of tenderness and care for myself, and to take greater responsibility for how I am ‘being’ in all areas of my life.
Thankyou, this seems to be something that I also need to work on. Stop trying to control every situation, not reacting to someone’s reactions and just speak from me…
This was just lovely to read. I can certainly see how I have looked to relationships for relief, hoping that partners, friends, family or even strangers could undo the harm I have caused myself with negative thoughts and bad choices. I can see this is not limited to a relationship with a partner, it is how I have approached relationships with everyone, always expecting that someone else will help ‘get me on track’ or ‘make me feel loved and worthy’. Thank you so much for sharing this anonymous, I plan to read it again and again.
It’s no coincidence that I chose to read this today. I could have been reading about myself! Thank you Anonymous, by sharing your experience you have reminded me of what I had been choosing to forget. The truth is so simple – all we need to do is step by gentle step build a more loving and caring relationship with ourselves. Inspiring.
I have always been very tough and demanding in relationships, wanting the man/my partner to be different, to change, to not do this, to no say that etc. I had quite a lot of expectations. I have also come to realize over the past years, that everything comes back to my relationship with myself. The change is there and the focus should be there. It is really amazing to experience how things have changed within the relationship, when i change myself, in the way that I am with myself. The more tender and loving I am with me, the more I get this reflected from others. So if I go into having thoughts about my partner and how things should be, I know now that I have left myself and just have to return to me, my body and how I am feeling.
A great article anonymous, this and all the comments I have read are supporting me to be more consistent with my connection to myself and to be truly kind and tender with me. With this way of being I can feel a change in my relationship with others : we seem to be giving each other more space to express more openly and honestly with each other and often go a little deeper than we may have before.
I love what you have shared Elaine, ” my connection to myself and to be truly kind and tender with me.” It made me smile and feel more loving and tender with myself, thank you, it’s as almost I have this image or way I ‘should’ be or the person I ‘think’ I should be to live up to, which is so not true, as I am already beautiful and so tender, it’s allowing myself to appreciate and connect to that, and as you say, without trying, no push or force I too have felt and experienced how my relationships and interactions with others naturally change.
This is the line that stood out for me this morning “How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?” a great reminder to stop, and love myself so dearly, when I do there is no room for hurt, or beating myself up and why would I ever want to push and drive myself so hard when I am love.
What an amazing blog Anonymous. I really get how I have not looked to myself for the love and tenderness I craved but held others, especially partners and parents, uncles and aunts, to ransom: I’ll not be loving with you until you are loving towards me.
I tried to hide this truth from myself by trying to be the perfect partner, daughter, niece. So I especially relate to your lines, ‘Is it aligning with my partner’s post-work bad mood, so that we can connect through it and I can feel good by ‘helping’ him?’ I have been the ‘supportive’ partner and friend by sympathising with a bad mood or their reaction to something. I never asked them to be responsible and see their part in a situation because I never wanted them to ask me to do the same.
The more I am taking responsibility for myself the more I feel able to ask others to and this I often find challenging. But I remember that if I love them and myself this is what is required and I know living in the comfort of playing it safe and not being truly loving is actually very unpleasant, dull, lifeless and numbing.
Thank you for your blog. It helps me be more honest and true to myself. It reminds me true intimacy lies with the relationship I have with myself first.
Dear Karin, what an amazing revelation you share and anonymous and many through comments. I had awoke this morning beating myself as that was how I had chosen to go to bed last night and I can feel the sadness in that, but as you say it is about self responsibility and my part that I played in that not blaming anyone else as that would be the easy way out and a way to continue with the hurt. When in truth my tenderness and love is only a breath away and it for me to hold myself lovingly and gently with that. It has been amazing this morning to re-connect to that tenderness and delicateness that is me and know with joy that it is for me to tenderly love myself and that will allow others to be the same way.
Love your honesty and humility Karin. That ‘I’ll not be loving with you until you are loving towards me’ attitude is really crazy isn’t it! So we’ll all just sit and wait for the other person to take the first step then!! With blogs like this we can all drop that thinking and all ‘go first’ by being the love we are within rather than looking to others for it and transform our relationships in the process.
This blog touches the core issue for lots of us in relationships, and very well expresses how we get lost in trying to solve, sort out, fix someone else or the relationship (based on a previous judgement of the other person), when we are actually trying to avoid the true need to give ourselves what we refuse to give ourselves. “I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself”. Great sharing, I will read again, I have just gone through the same, only that I wanted the other person to help me in this direction and did not take full responsibility for choosing my own tenderness and my own appreciation no matter what. I did not need anyone to do that. And I don´t need anyone to choose that now. That is the way, reclaiming our love and our awesomeness, whether with or without a partner.
Beautifully said Monika.
Awesome blog. And so true, where else can we start than with the relationship with ourselves. Every other relationship builds on this first one. A steady loving and forever deepening relationship with yourself is the foundation to build all other relationships on.
I re read this blog today and I find it truly amazing how much deeper I have gone in my own love for myself, and what I was then able to connect more deeply too in your words Anonymous. This blog is truly a gift for any and all of us who have looked outside for others to bring us what we do in fact have the capacity for and need to bring to ourselves, that is, our own love. It also shows how it is our responsibility to not abandon ourselves in times we find difficult but to remain steady in our love – this I am slowly learning I have the power and choice to do.
On re-reading this it highlights to me that no words or ‘good’ thoughts can ever make any relationship true or loving and that coming out of my head would be a very wise move if my commitment is where I ‘think’ it is. But if I never stop and continue on that train of thought of ‘I am doing well’ I never stop to check the quality of said commitment or relationships.
Thank you, Anonymous, for speaking on behalf of myself and others. As I stop reacting and blaming the world from my hurts and actually deal with what I am still holding onto that is no longer relevant or serving me, a more honest and responsible level of relationship is opening up, with myself and others. This feels like a fresh new start, and I am so thankful to have had the support of the Universal Medicine practitioners, to keep reminding me that what I was living was not the real me.
Beautiful Janet. There’s such joy in approaching relationships this way isn’t there. I really love the ‘fresh new start’ – so liberating.
This blog and the comments following really are a testament to self love, self responsibility and the importance of developing a tender and loving relationship with ourselves, in every aspect. I am slowly changing my old abusive ways with myself, beating myself up or blaming and holding myself down for behaviours that I chose in the first place – a vicious cycle we can find ourselves in, and that I have found myself in for a long time. The support of blogsites such as these is invaluable to remind us that there truly is another way, and a way that is actually very natural to us and feels amazing if we give it go. Thank you WIL and all the men and women who frequent and share on this site.
How can I expect tenderness from others if I don’t give it to myself? So true. Taking more responsibility for how I live my life is turning my life around – to be more flowing and loving. My choices influence the outcome. Establishing the love in me first, then Im not needy and looking outside for confirmation.
That’s the key Sue, if we don’t treat ourselves lovingly, how we expect others to do. It’s backwards to say to another be this with me (tender, loving) but I can abuse me all I like and I still expect you to pick me up with tenderness – how irresponsible really, we create how we feel and yet we expect another to fix it. When all along we just need to take that care with us.
This is so lovely to read and feel. It’s funny we’re all very good at looking out there and ‘fixing’ or trying to fix the other, and yet as you so clearly show we need to start with us. What jumped out at me was this quote ‘I felt so sensitive and kept wishing other people would stop reacting so I wouldn’t have to react to their reactions!’
And I know, in the past in particular I’ve held the world and everyone in it to ransom with this one, and as I read it today I can clearly see how I used this as a way to avoid taking responsibility for myself and how I was, and choose instead to blame the world. And of course the kicker in this is if I blame another or blame the world I don’t have to do anything and often can’t anyway as we truly don’t control another, so I see now it’s one of the ways I gave up, and used as an excuse not to address things. Thankfully this has now changed as I’ve taken more responsibility for me and how I treat myself and it’s made a huge difference to my life and my relationships with others. It really is about being tender with me first, if I set that as my marker then naturally I show how I want to be treated, so obvious really. Thank you for reminding me.
As I read your comment Monica I can really feel the fullness of the fact that it is all about our relationship with ourselves. It really is the heart of everything. All the apparent complexities of our relationships with others are like a fog that keeps us distanced from this awareness and from accepting the responsibility that it brings. Very powerful, thank you.
Richard, I love the image you use – it is indeed a fog, and always it comes back to us and anything else without taking this into consideration is a distraction.
Expecting the world to bring me everything I want from deep within me does not make sense – I am closer to that inner core than the outside is. And if I am not willing to go to that depth myself how can anything on the outside ever reach it? From experience, it does not work. More and more I am learning that I am the one that has to build my relationship, everything on the outside can only support me to go there, it can’t do the work for me.
Thank you anonymous for your blog, I love to see people taking responsibility for how their life is going. It keeps me on my toes by making me take a closer look at how I can look more lovingly at the way I do things.
I felt like you have written from my own life and I realize more and more what kind of comfort this is to hide in one’s anxiousness. Also I can relate to the sentence: I would only feel amazing when I ‘d done a brillant piece of work. It strucks me how arrogant this is. As we are amazing by nature it is just arrogant to appreciate one’s amazingness only after having done something extraordinary.
This is lovely. Thank you anonymous for sharing. I know wherever I am at I can always go deeper in love and tenderness with myself and therefore also be that with others.
This article made me smile as I read so much about myself in the words. It is easy to find excuses for myself “that’s just the way I am” and at the same time try to ‘fix’ someone else. The healing and harmony in my relationships is, as you write, “a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.”
To be able to hold this Love and tenderness within ourselves no matter what. Something I struggle with and end up reacting/judging/feeling hurt at everything around me, but I am open to the fact that life does not have to be lived in this way. Thank you for reminding us that there is another way and that we have to look inside of us first.
Dear Anonymous, your blog is so inspiring and honest. Thank you!
I am for ever appreciative of the Esoteric Breast Massage modality that has supported me to go much deeper and be more honest with myself. I have come to a better understanding that once my relationship with myself is nurtured then I can truly be with other people, offering everyone deeper relationships. I now realise how powerful this is.
Thank you for writing this, the part that particularly stood out for me was – “I felt so sensitive and kept wishing other people would stop reacting so I wouldn’t have to react to their reactions! I was exhausting myself trying to perfect and control my external environment so that I could feel less stressed out.”
This is a great sharing Natalie and one I can really relate to.
I too can relate to this, waiting for things to change around me, or for others to change so that I would feel ok, safe and able to cope. I am now discovering that there is within me a steadiness that allows things outside of me to be as they are. And although this connection is new and in need of some nurturing, it also feels timeless. As if it has been there all along just waiting for me to return to it.
Me too, Amina, I recognise that pattern so well. How beautiful it is to be able to accept and allow our sensitivity and choose not to react. Work in progress but very worth it.
Well highlighted Natalie I’ve certainly exhausted myself trying to control so many things – wanting others to sort themselves out so it would make my life easier. This has been especially true with work and has been a constant game of blame instead of addressing the tenderness within me first. Something to look deeper into.
I too, am on a journey of loving myself more first, and finding my own tenderness within; whereas I also used to blame my partner for all the things I was not. Crazy way to behave, once it’s pointed out, it’s a great learning process, thank you.
Yes its easy to blame my partner, and in fact anyone and everything else that might be causing the problems… and all in an effort to avoid actually looking at myself as the first port of call, and taking responsibility for my actions, and my decisions first. Its a point well made.
Thank you for this. So inspiring; offering another way, away from judgement and blame and reaction. A beautiful reflection for us all..
I very much agree. I have really enjoyed reading this blog and the surrounding comments – its a great reminder for me and yes, very inspiring.
As I find myself in a very vulnerable time in my life, reading this blog and comments has been so supportive – to know that from this point forward I have the choice to develop a more loving way of being with me, and to become solid in this way. Reading everyone’s experience of how this has been for them has supported enormously – so thank you Anonymous for instigating this sharing.
Anna I really appreciate your comment about developing, ‘a more loving way of being with me, and to become solid in this way.’ I am really feeling that today. That I can choose to let go of being perfect (and getting one of those 2 jobs I interviewed for but didn’t get) and saying, time to be more self loving and become so solid in this so I may stay with the truth that there is nothing wrong with me. I am amazing.
Wow what an inspiring blog… To really take full responsibility for our relationships we need to first have a truly loving and honest relationship with self first. I have definitely felt a difference in all my relationships since deepening my relationship with myself. Sometimes I feel I am just beginning because the level of love that is within me is so vast that it’s actually a deepening of my awareness that opens up and I feel the enormity of how Amazing I Am.
In my experience I have really felt that when I let get of control and wanting to control situations it automatically changes to tenderness and vulnerability which feels a far better way to be.
Thank you for this lovely article and all it’s wise words. I too am finding it so important to build a loving relationship with myself first in tenderness and honouring rather than self-criticism, and the beautiful joy that comes from this makes me smile and appreciate others more lovingly.
Beautiful words Tricia. For me this is a delicate process; building a deeper level of self love and tenderness towards myself. Changing the way I speak to myself to be more loving, and learning more to appreciate the beautiful strong woman I am.
Hi Anna, yes I find that the way I speak to myself is of paramount importance. I can be making an effort to be gentle in my body, but if I am attacking myself in my mind all the time gentleness is almost impossible!
Agreed Rebecca, for years now I have been working with the body in this process of allowing more gentleness and love with myself, and yet all the while my mind was undoing me with self abusive thoughts – thoughts I was allowing to rule me. I now realise I need to be as tender and self honouring with my thoughts as I know I am with my body.
Very inspiring, thank you for sharing it gives me much to reflect on. I love the line “But the relationship with me was where I needed to start…” a profound statement.
Thank you for sharing that again David, “But the relationship with me was where I needed to start…” that made me smile a huge smile, so true.
Reading this blog has helped me to see that, in the past when I have complained to a partner that he was “too rough ” when being intimate, he would have noticed (albeit unconsciously) that I was rough and disregarding of myself and the way I lived.
I now realise it is down to me to take a more gentle approach in everything I do in my life, then the partner will take his lead from the way I care for myself.
A great example of why we first need to look at how we are, the way we live and interact with everyone before starting to judge others.
Thank you. I love what you share “How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?” I was able to reflect how I lost myself in the reaction with my husband, my body hardened and I went into being defensive and it just got worse from there. So working on my tenderness will allow me to create a foundation and a knowing that I am more than enough and therefore be able to catch myself before a reaction comes.
Dear Anonymous Awesome blog. I love your line, ‘How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?’ as I really relate to this. I ask myself a similar question whenever I am feeling resentful or annoyed with someone for not, in my opinion, being loving towards me. Now I ask myself how loving am I being with myself so I don’t go into the resentment or blame.
When I am loving and tender I feel beautiful and I no longer need this from another. Your blog is a great reminder of how true this is. Thank you.
I had to laugh when I read the lines “When I abandoned myself in stressful situations and let myself be owned and run by anxiety, I expected my partner to step in and rescue me, and got upset when he stood strong and didn’t pander to my emotional dramas.” This has happened to me so many times with friends who have been working through these issues for themselves and knew better than to pander. It was quite bewildering at first as I equated someone loving me with them coming to my rescue. But as I started to appreciate how important, how empowering it is to take responsibility for my life I understood that those occasions were true love indeed.
Very inspiring for me, thank you.
Inspiring for me too.
This is a great article on relationships. Thank you Anonymous. I love the simplicity with which you express and the appreciation that you have built for your self. “there’s a stronger and deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from the heart”.
True Relationship counselling! I love what you said about all the hours and hours and all that effort and anxiety that you spent trying to fix/solve/support the relationship. I and so many others can relate to that! Imagine if all that time and effort was spent nurturing our relationship with ourselves first!! It’s awesome the changes that you have made and an inspiration to all. Thanks for sharing.
So true Otto, imagine indeed…. we are so easily swept away with the next task or the next issue but what if there was another way and one that was as simple as you say!
This is a beautiful blog and brings something so fundamental. I’m beginning to realise too what depth our relationship with oneself goes. It feels like there can be no true relationship unless we have that true relationship with ourselves first.
This is so beautiful and inspiring to reread and so relatable to and so enhances the importance of looking deep within and not looking on the outside for everything to fill us. Thank you for the sharing.
I agree Tricia, I not long ago experienced a breakdown of a longterm relationship, due to my choice to not let go of blame and take responsibility for my part. It has caused an enormous pain for me to now heal, but nothing that cannot be healed with an exquisite amount of love and tenderness.
I wasn’t then ready to take responsibility for myself in that relationship, nor to see that how I was being with myself was actually causing much of the unrest. This blog is such a beautiful reminder of how important this truly is. It has to start with loving ourselves in full, a foundation we all need to build truly from in order to be able to live this with each and every other.
Thank you for sharing your relationship transformation. You show that when we look within at our part and address it, the change it can bring. To express what we truly feel instead of acting out the safe and pandering routine, this is something I am working on and am noticing the changes.
Great article. How we treat ourselves consults and directs how others treat us: if we start with our relationship with ourself – rediscovering the amazing person we are, deep within – then our relationships with others naturally follow. This article is a testament to that. Thank you.
So true Conor
I feel I can relate to what you have shared very strongly. I can still go off and throw a tantrum now and then but I can appreciate the fact that there is another way to be with myself. Now I am starting to see that when people don’t come to my rescue I can actually pull myself up and out of the mud and have been able to do so this whole time.
Thankyou for your honest sharing. I too used to expect my partner to read my mind! Crazy! As I learn about expressing I too am finding “a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.”
This is awesome and such a valuable sharing of what goes so often unsaid in relationships for both men and women. What you have exposed here is a silent rot that I have felt in many relationships before. That one that says, ‘it is your fault that I am the way I am’. It is so insidious that we justify what we feel and it can take quite some time to come around to taking the responsibility that we eventually must if we are ever to break the cycle of blame. So awesome that you have done it, and brought it to all of us so eloquently!
This is a truly beautiful expression Anonymous, I can feel the honesty in every word and honesty is such a great place to start. The old truth that you cannot change another you can only change yourself, is so obviously true that it worth pondering on why most, if not all, at one time or another live the opposite.
Thank you Sue and Gabriele for highlighting connecting to the one place the innermost where, as you say, we have all the answers which then support us to let go of the blame and irresponsibility we can project on both ourselves and others.
A powerful article on finding the truly tender loving relationship with self first and then with others as a reflection. I love it
Thank you for your openness and honesty. When you write, “I kept going round and round in a never-ending maze of mental confusion, wondering how I could ‘solve’ our relationship, as if it were an emotional crossword, the key to which always felt just out of my reach” it felt so familiar and describes so well how I used to “run” my relationships: criticising and finding wrong in the other, trying desperately to work it out in my head and never ever looking within and how I was conducting myself. I actually used to think that I was doing all I possibly could do and I have to say that I can’t blame myself for that; it is, after all, all we ever hear about – how to improve our behaviour, habits and expectations but never how to truly take responsibility and connect with the one place that has all the answers, the inner-most.
Thank you Gabriele for your comment – it is as you say so much more beautiful to ‘connect with the one place that has all the answers, the inner-most’ than to continue the culture of blame and irresponsibility.
So true Gabriele, I too have run relationships in that way, and it’s something I’m coming to realise more and more each day, it’s not about blaming the other, what they do and don’t do – it’s the willingness to stop and as you say take responsibility for how we are in the relationship first, how we are with ourselves and what do we bring to the relationship, rather than looking outside or wanting another to bring us love …. when it truth that love is already within us all along. And by simply connecting to our inner-most, our inner-heart we have all we are and need right there. Now imagine bringing all that truth, love, harmony and tenderness to a relationship.
Spot on Gabriele that we are taught that we can make our relationships better by changing the things we do together or the way we talk with each other or the way we understand or think about the other. However it really is starting to make total sense to me to look first towards myself and how I am in that most longest-of-term relationships! – if I first don’t know how to be with myself lovingly so or have a self regard which includes a loving way, how can I suddenly start to have that in a relationship beyond this? If I have no experience of it first within myself I cannot recognise what feels true in my relationship with my partner.
What an honest and beautiful blog which shows that we can keep relationships simple and clear when we start looking inside ourselves instead of expecting too much from the outside to solve our issues.
I can relate to this beautiful and honest personal account of what probably happens in 99% of all relationships in the world. But here we have the beginnings of the answer to relationship issues – by first looking at yourself before blaming another and taking responsibility for what you are bringing to the relationship. I have personally found this approach very helpful and healing in my current relationships.
That’s so true Andrew. I know in the past I have not looked at what I bring to my relationships as a first port of call. I have also played the ‘blame game.’ I am realising that change comes when you build a relationship with yourself first and stop pointing fingers at others.
Wow this is lovely to re-read Anonymous. I can relate to so much of what you have written and it is truly inspiring that you took responsibility for yourself, and beautiful that your relationship with your partner has changed so much as a result to “a deepening of our love and appreciation”.
I love this blog, I can relate to how I have behaved very much the same in my relationship. I especially love your comment that there’s no solving or fixing to be done, just sort myself out and look within. When we let go of blame and expectations, the tenderness can blossom and the relationship deepens in truth and connection.
I love reading this blog, and the continued comments and reflections on it. I have the first hand experience of losing my marriage due to not choosing to let go of the blame and hurt and take responsibility for my part, so it is so very beautiful for me to hear that many are now doing this, and how it is transforming their lives and relationships.
So many have been graced by this very powerful sharing. It is a true testament to how self-responsibility and tenderness can transform our lives – so thank you to all that have contributed to this blog.
Lovely inspiring blog. So great to have the understanding of, “I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself – a greater connection to myself and to others, tenderness, love and appreciation for myself as the amazing woman that I am.” When we accept this we no longer have to search for it outside ourselves, but can bring it to ourself first and so reflect it to others.
yes well said Lorraine. Letting go of all the awful and draining expectations we hold about others and bringing it back to us takes the pressure off of our relationships leaving us all the space to simply Be – how freeing!
Beautifully said Heather.
Ryan I completely agree, the blogs shares how important it is to take responsibility for our own relationship with self, when this is true and loving, this will determine the quality of our relationships with others.
Beautiful to read again and again to feel the tenderness within reflected and it’s unending depth. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing such an amazing writing; revealing, truthful and honest. I agree with all you say and in my journey of building a more gentle, loving relationship with myself I am learning the truth of it all and in relationships with everyone.
Beautifully shared thank you again.
There is so much you have shared that I have been or am going through still. The reminder that to be gentle and kind with myself first is valuable for me in this moment when I become aware of the energy in my body! Arrogance and blame can creep in by the back door, but when I see them for what they are and take responsibility for that, then my relationship with my partner and indeed, the whole world, becomes gentler, richer, and infinitely more loving.
Wow! I so needed to read this! I can relate to everything you have written I honestly thought this could have been me writing this. Many many gems in this blog, I will re read again and again…
“How could I expect anyone else to treat me tenderly, if I was beating myself up, being harsh on myself and pushing and driving myself with determination to do everything?” Thank you Anonymous for being so honest and sharing such healing insights.
I agree Samantha, it’s a great line containing much gold. A huge 180 degree turn on how most people address their relationships.
So, so true Samantha – something I am coming to realise more and more – if I am being hard, controlling, harsh etc then one, how can I expect another to treat me any other way, but two, which is a biggy, is that if I am being this way with myself then this is how I am holding, being and meeting everyone else – in harshness, judgement and critique, not with tender, loving care. I cannot be love with another if I am not love with myself.
hear hear Gyl, I too am becoming more aware in all my relationships that it really comes down to loving ourselves – this is where true love begins…..
Very inspiring and honest blog. There is heaps I can relate to, especially expecting others to be tender with me but not looking at how I am with myself first. This is a must read for everyone, in a relationship with someone and with self.
Bravo, an amazing blog with loads of gems. It feels like it was as good to write as it was to read. Thank you for sharing there is a lot to learn in your words.
Thank you Anonymous – every word you expressed could have come from me! I understand what you are saying wholeheartedly! What a futile way to be in a relationship with yourself and others but how beautiful that you are now able to feel the love in you which in turn will bring love and tenderness to all of your relationships… You are inspiring and I will follow your example the best I can.
Great point Rachael.
An educational blog for anyone in a relationship – so that’s all of us! Because even if you’re not in a loving partnership relationship, you’re still in relationship with many others – friends, family, colleagues, shop assistants, you name it. You share great revelations about building a loving relationship with the self as the starting point and about understanding what needs we are looking to have met from others that we’re not meeting for ourselves.
A truly honouring and inspiring blog
Agreed Graham
Thank you for this amazing and refreshingly honest piece. I can very much relate to all that you have said.
Wow, I can so much relate to what you are sharing, it felt as if I was writing it 🙂 I have a very similar experience of looking for things outside of me instead of focusing on my relationship with myself. The honesty in which you express it all is very strong and inspiring, a real strength.
I know exactly what you mean Priscila
I agree entirely Ryan – the blog so clearly shows my responsibility in the games and friction that are so often at play. It beautifully redefines leadership…
Your honesty in your writing is inspiring. You write of aligning to other people’s moods and trying to help them out, this can be so exhaustive, in comparison your reminder of calling it out is so much more simple and healthy!
Catherine and Anna I completely resonate with this.
I have recently felt how I have done this in many of my relationships. Blaming others and inflating myself to fool my self into feeling I was more than them. Yuck.
Yes I too can feel the insidious nature of the blaming. In that moment for me the other person gets totally reduced to whatever it is they are not delivering – I stop seeing and engaging with all the wonderful aspects of them. It is quite awful. And how ridiculous that the real issue can be traced back to my lack of providing for myself that which I am blaming someone else for! A couple of times in the past I almost destroyed some very close friendships in this manner. Thank goodness the other people did not play ball with my antics and after a while I woke up to what I was doing and stopped.
Thank you for your honesty Anonymous. It is truly inspiring to read that you have taken full responsibility. And as you say, ‘the relationship with me was where I needed to start’.
I can relate to what you have expressed about wanting your partner to lead the way and resenting any disharmony and discord that comes up. I too have come to understand that building a relationship with myself first is the only way to move forward. This doesn’t just effect couple relationships but every relationship.
lovely blog, and so honest. How can we truly love another, or expect them to truly love us, until we have learned to love ourselves, and take full responsibility for that.
Yes, I agree Catherine, these words are truly inspiring.
You have summed it up Catherine, a lovely blog and so honest. How can we love another until we love ourselves. So true!
I can so relate to this blog. Thank you for your honesty and clarity in expressing how you have taken responsibility for the past behaviours and how by doing this you are now developing a tender and loving relationship with yourself. And such a beautiful ending – ‘And most of all there’s a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart, and feeling how incredible it is to be the powerful, graceful and truly tender woman that I am finally allowing myself to be’.
Beautifully said Sueteresa. This is an amazing blog, deeply nurturing and healing for all who read the words of this blog and comments from everyone adding to the strength of it all.
Brilliant to expose the tricks that we play – as you say, seemingly being responsible, and seeking help from counsellors, but ‘but subtly blaming [your] partner’. In a similar manner I have found myself seemingly being really honest about things, but in fact knowing on some level that there was a way deeper truth to be told, and so in fact being dishonest.
Catherine I can so relate to this, the layers of dishonesty that we must uncover in taking full responsibility for ourselves leading us to the greater truths. Some of those layers are more hidden then others, but exposing them is truly freeing.
Yes, Catherine, I too can relate to your comment. as you say it is brilliant to expose the tricks that we play with ourselves and begin to see that below this ‘honesty’ there is a level of dishonesty that can be so beguiling if we are not prepared to begin the process of being ‘truly honest’ so that we are free to live a life of knowing who we are at our very essence.
Catherine, I can so relate to this. Not going to the fullest depth of honesty, and as a result delaying my own evolution and growth.
For me there is the trick of getting stuck in the story and drama of something that has occurred, rather than keep it simple and learn from the experience. I have spent whole years wound up in particular dramas only to now see that this is part of what keeps me from simply living the love that I am in each moment – of course I still have to remind myself that this is a work in progress, and not ever something that is perfect.
Really Inspiring. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your experience, it is amazing to see how being all of who you truly are creates a true relationship free of the blame game. I find it interesting how often we say another person or situation ‘made’ us feel a certain way when you so clearly reveal that it is always our responsibility and choice how we feel in every moment.
So true Fiona.
‘it is always our responsibility and choice how we feel in every moment’. I love this Fiona, I am only beginning to learn this way of being, and so far it is truly freeing. As I build and deepen this responsibility, I look forward to the day I can say this is my every day livingness.
Yes – a beautiful and honest sharing. I can relate totally to everything you said. As I’ve become more Loving and tender with myself then I see and feel how that changes the quality of all my relationships. It’s beautiful.
I find at times I’m easily draw into the old pattern of ‘blaming’ someone else for making me feel a certain way but as soon as I catch myself and bring it back to me then the quality changes instantly.
Very true Heather, it is very powerful to be able to cut the blame and see that in truth it comes back to ourselves and our qualities. We can change so much in relationships when we truly take responsibility.
Thank you for your clear, beautiful honesty in this awesome blog – taking responsibility and goodbye to the blame game.
How gorgeous. I love the “goodbye to the blame game” shows it to be as transient as it is. And Shirley-Ann I love that picture of ‘If we look in the mirror, lovingly, we can see another way’ I have noticed that.
I find holding my own and not pandering to someone or something I naturally shy away from with deep anxiety towards rejection. But all of this is not me. Holding my own and staying with myself is showing me who and what I truly am and my relationship with everything around me. I love the magic that then unfolds.
Gorgeous words Phil. I love how you have raised the connection between anxiety and rejection. I can definite relate to this, and how staying with myself renders that emotional playground as nought in the light of who I truly am, out there to be seen.
Your words, Phill, helped me to see how I have fooled myself in the past, saying ‘this is me, if you don’t like it, tough’ to avoid rejection. But that was defensive and created a hardness in me. And I am not that. Thank you Phill.
Yes Catherine, I too can relate to this. I find there following is a pride and arrogance to back up the hardness I have chosen for myself that can be very stubborn and difficult to break.
Reading Phill’s words, I can feel this same pattern in myself, and also I see it occurring in others around me. When something is too much or too hard, we back away, and I for years was fooling myself that I was with myself, but really I had hardened and shut down, feeling it all too much to handle. In doing this I was actually shutting the world out. Now I am slowly beginning to learn a different way, that starts with accepting and allowing myself and others to be, and to the best of my ability, to always respond with love.
I love how this blog and the comments following allow us all to go deeper in our honesty and awareness of how we are living.
Well said Fiona, so true.
Thank you Anonymous for the honesty and contrast in your article. A stand out line for me……….”Now I’m starting to let go of the control and experiment with what happens when I take the lead by being myself – truly tender and gentle – first.”……….absolutely beautiful
‘Taking the lead by being myself’ – A great way to look at leading.
Agree Debra
Yes – I love that Debra. Being yourself is definitely a great way to lead.
A fabulous way to lead and pave the way for others to walk beside you – also being themselves.
Awesome blog, it is amazing that you took responsibility for your part in the relationship, by working on your self. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing, it is so true that through calling out behaviours in a relationship, a greater trust and respect is built between the two of you and there is more opportunity to build a supportive, loving relationship on both parts instead of the ‘control’ leaning to one person (when there should really be no ‘control’).
Thank you for sharing this, so many of us look to outside of ourselves to get a resolve. Awesome article – I have certainly lived this way – wanting outside to be perfect and contained. All the while knowing that the love and tenderness inside me was all I needed to connect to.
I enjoyed your sharing, on how you evolved from looking outside yourself for love, to the realisation that it was within all along. Something I am sure many of us can relate to. Thank you Anonymous.
How lovely is it to be off the hamster wheel of control – making it all about them and avoiding the responsibility of truly connecting with ourselves first?! I could feel the amazing transformation that has taken place for you as you live from your innate tenderness with your partner. Thank you for such an honest account of the power of self-love.
Yes, it is amazing how control was so accurately described, especially in reference to controlling the environment so it wasn’t so stressful. And it is amazing to feel the moving on from that, to greater love, honesty and tenderness in the relationship.
Thank you for sharing with us. It has offered an opportunity for reflection and you have covered some great issues, some of which I am very familiar with.
Big thank you for sharing your experiences so openly with us. You let us feel what changes in your body, your life and your relationship with you and others if you take responsibility for loving yourself first. I can relate to being used to look outside first and blaming others for what they haven’t done or given me and how much changes by being responsible for that myself first.
Wow, thank you for sharing! Even though I am not in a ‘relationship’ in the boyfriend-girlfriend sense, I can feel that in the past I have also assumed in relationships that I am ‘better’ for some reason. I love how you presented that if we let go of control, blame and resentment can be transformed into love and appreciation. This is a concept that society doesn’t teach, instead my experience is that we are taught to try and maintain control as a way to protect us from getting hurt, when in truth that is what is hurting us the most.
What a beautiful and pertinent blog. Thank you, I feel much here to digest and this will be one I read again.
Amazing article, truly inspiring.
Thank you anonymous! Such a deeply honest and inspiring blog. I know this very well. I especially related to the arrogance that we live with thinking that I’m ok and either our partners or others around us are the ones at fault or to blame. You have beautifully illustrated and lived how taking responsibility for how we are in the world opens the door to transformation. Feeling Super inspired thank you.
Thank you anonymous for the healing you have offered with your truth and your willingness to look within. I am in a loving relationship with my husband, and I feel our love deepening as I become more tender and connected to myself. What you have written can apply to all relationships, as Kathleen and others have pointed out, and even our relationships with our work, our home, everything….they all reflect how loving and connected we are with ourselves.
A truly honest blog
Such wonderfully refreshing honesty… I too can relate to so much said in this blog…
Thank you Anonymous, I too can relate to this. It’s amazing when we come to the point where we choose to look within and at our own part in relationships, then taking responsibility for it and building a loving relationship with ourselves first and taking that to all our relationships. Such a contrast to blaming it on other people.
Thank you for sharing, I can completely resonate with what you have shared as I have experienced the same. Like you I also started to look at me and work on myself first with the loving support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. This has changed everything, the way I feel about myself and my relationship with my husband Is now very deep and loving. We are constantly growing together.
Wow and amazing blog, and a great example how we are all too willing to blame another before taking self responsibility. This is a pattern I’ve noticed strongly in myself in the last few years, a huge arrogance that it is everyone else’s job to make me feel good, secure and beautiful. How crazy, it was never anyone’s job but my own to know this security and beauty within me. It’s becoming so clear now, that whenever I am looking outside for something (attention, confirmation, recognition) I have at some point neglected myself and I just need to go back to my relationship with me, it is enough 🙂
I can completely relate to the living in my mind, trying to control my exterior and getting upset when I can’t and holding an arrogance that the world has somehow done me wrong – when really… I’ve never put the time in to put myself right.
Reading this article I realised that as I’m single I can apply what you’ve said can happen between you and your partner to any relationship with anyone. Colleagues, family, friends, etc. Just because I don’t have a partner doesn’t mean I’m not in relationships with people. Thank you for sharing!
Cheryl (23)
This is a very honest account that I can relate to so easily, thank you. I have imposed hugely in the past on my partner in our relationship, and blamed him for things that went wrong. It was my normal behaviour, looking at it now, it was a horrible way to behave but that’s how it was.
Now it’s changing and it is still unfolding. I love your comment ‘ if I can hold this love and tenderness within myself, no matter what’. This is also the key for me that I’m developing, and the changes that are happening around me in all relationships are pretty amazing.
An amazing turnaround from blaming to taking responsibility and giving yourself what you were craving from others. What you describe is an all to common experience of many, and I certainly used to do much of what you’ve written about, but how beautiful that now you having a self-created loving platform to communicate from.
I completely relate to this too, in my many past relationships I felt very miserable, and bitter because I expected my partner to be the one to treat me better, to be more loving and understanding, and my head would be full of nasty thoughts that blamed them for not getting me, even though I didn’t express it to them, so how would they really know how I felt? As soon as I began understanding that I needed to change and that I could chose to be more loving and appreciate myself, then my partner melts and can be himself, as he no longer feels the blame and bitterness coming from me. When there is an issue or a fight, the second I stop and look at my part, and chose to let go of the blame and irritation, the whole situation literally melts away – amazing and simple.
Wow this is amazing Anonymous, I have had feelings of blame and judgment towards my partner in the past and accused him of ‘not being loving enough towards me’ and demanded that ‘there be more love in our relationship’, but as I love myself more and allow myself to feel my tenderness, love and fragility, the judgments and criticism of my partner are not there (most of the time) and I can see more clearly and feel what an amazing, loving, tender man he truly is.
A very insightful blog that beautifully exposes the foundation many relationships are based on…blame and judgement of the other rather than looking at how we are within ourselves and how we interact with others. This sentence is such a great reminder,
“How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to his reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?” To me this underpins the foundations for how we can be in every relationship.
I, too, can relate so much to blaming the outside for problems when all the time my problems were coming from me. Through the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I gained the confidence to look at myself, which has led to a transformation. My then relationship and now marriage has turned from being very much as you describe, and at times with horrendous arguments, to one of love and tenderness. What we experience is what we have created.
Gosh, Anonymous, this is so true for so many women (including me). How we wait for someone else – especially our partner – to ‘fix’ everything for us and to be everything we ‘think’ we are not. Thank you for your clarity, and for your courage in sharing your path back to yourself: to the truly tender, beauty-full and grace-full woman you are. You have written with the authority of one who is showing your partner – and us all – a new way to be in relationships; with a strong foundation of love.
This is a timely blog for me as I can relate to what you shared about expecting from outside what I am not giving myself. The power and strength you are sharing are inspiring.
Beautifully honest account of taking responsibility – love it.
Thank you for your beautiful presentation of how our world reflects where we are.. and what a magnifying glass relationships are for this reflection.. and how everything starts and ends with how we are with ourselves and the world around us. It is often that we demand of the world what we want without bringing it to ourselves first..but once we do take responsibility and make those adjustments for ourselves, the world around us is so much easier to be in and enjoyed…and the world changes for everyone.
Thank you! This article will support many of us women (and men) with the confidence to begin to express ourselves and to stop looking to others to make ourselves whole and fulfil our lives. I can relate so well to your sharing and it is inspiring to feel how honouring ourselves is always the key. Once we know the absoluteness of our own true beauty and tenderness, there is nothing gained by leaving that truth and abandoning ourselves to try to change someone else. In fact there is everything to lose…
Super blog Anonymous! I can relate to everything you have said about your relationship with your partner – it is like a duplicate blueprint of the way I was with my ex-husband – the ‘sensitive’ martyr who would lead him out of his ill ways!
You blog is such a brilliant, clear and simply exposition of this blueprint.
Thank you for this great blog.
I love this blog so much. In so many ways I can see my reflection. The post work bad mood. The reacting to the reaction, of the reaction. But I also feel my reflection in truly holding my connection to myself, the power of gentleness and the magic of being me. Every relationship is a reflection our relationship with ourselves. Thank you for your words.
I wonder how many people can relate to this blog…….hmmmm, I guessing EVERYONE! Both men and women. We are sure if only our partner will change their ways, the relationship will be better!! Think of the change in the world if that same “everyone” took self responsibility to see what their true role and responsibilities are in the partnership. Thank you Ms Anonymous for shining a light into the shadows of relationship.
So true Gayle – this is universal – not just for women.
As a man I can totally relate to this as well!
Yes, universal, and equally relevant to all relationships, not just those with a partner. I am single, yet cannot hide from the truth in this and say ‘nothing here for me to look at’!
I totally agree Gayle, this is for everyone, men and women.
Well said Gayle, it is indeed not only with our partners that this plays out but this way of blaming others has the potential to live and fester in all our relationships. A strong word ‘fester’, but from my own experience it is the best way to describe it. Learning to take responsibility by dealing with our reactions, looking at the expectations and demands we place on others, and coming back to a way of being that sees us truly meeting ourselves with the deepest love possible is the only way ‘back’ to living a contented life that is rich in love.
Anna I love what you have expressed. Festering seems apt for the harm this way of blaming and not taking responsibility brings to ourselves and everyone. And learning to take responsibility is certainly the way back to living a contented life that is rich in love.
Golnaz, what I expressed comes from my own experience of not taking responsibility for my part in many of my relationships but rather choosing to remain the victim, always waiting for others to change so that ‘they’ would stop hurting me! Crazy hey, and it took a long time, and much heartache in my life for me to finally see this, and choose to begin looking at and dealing with my hurts, rather then imposing onto others how ‘they’ need to be for ‘me’ to be ok. I still slip up here and there, as this is a very new way of being after years of the old blame game, but I now see it is the only true way forward. What I do know is that that which festers, can be undone, and this is a true blessing for each and every one of us.
What a great moment when, after a great deal of self perpetuating thoughts about ourself being deprived and blaming another for those thoughts, we come to a realisations such as “I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself”. It is so freeing and empowering.
I too have had many such instances in my life, and although it is not my default pattern any more, I still need to watch out for it. I find that when I am being disregarding towards myself in life, something, some situation, someone will invariably reflect that to me and what is more those messages keep coming back as if they are on a loop! I know this is actually great, it is an awesome support to learn and move on – yet – when I do not want to accept this (which is often the case when I am already in disregard) and when I do not want to know that my own choices led me there which means it is my own responsibility to get myself out of it, when I do not want to face any of that I tend to opt for throwing my frustration outwards. In this case blaming something or someone is the sneakiest way, because it means the spotlight is on a completely different story – I do not get to face any of my real issues and I get to play the righteous card.
It is a blessing to myself (and I am sure for everyone around me) that I too have been building “a stronger and growing deeper love and respect for myself in expressing and leading from my heart, and feeling how incredible it is to be the powerful, graceful and truly tender woman that I am finally allowing myself to be”. Beautifully expressed and very honest article. Thank you.
Blessing is a great way to describe it, returning to your own home inside you is definitely a blessing 🙂
I can also relate to the quote “I realised from looking within that what I wanted from my relationship was what I’d being denying myself”. It’s so strange that I spent many years looking for something from others that I did not give myself. I have been amazed at the positive changes which have occurred in my life now that I’m more self loving.
Thank you it is lovely to read about the transformation in your relationship both with yourself and your partner through your re-discovery of tenderness and appreciation for yourself.
Wow! What you have written here is so honest and so universal… many could relate as I know I certainly can. It was 30 years or more later, after a separation, that I realised what you have so early in your relationship come to! For me it was the shock of finding the very same faults with my housemate that I had found with my husband that led me to realise that I was the common denominator here… that it was in fact my relationship with myself that needed work! I then came to the understanding that all blame is a deflection from taking responsibility for ourselves. Well done and well written.
Hmm, ‘all blame is a deflection from taking responsibility for ourselves’ – very powerful. This gives me a lot to ponder, and rather a lot of work to do! I know that what you are saying is true though.
Hey, give a thought for us ‘knights in shining armour’ who’ll be out of a job when you lot take responsibility for yourselves…..
But now you mention it, it’s unbelievably hot and claustrophobic in here, not to mention restrictive and this breastplate over my heart is some heavy kind of liability and I can’t hear anything with this helmet on and…..
All jokes aside, great blog and great comments.
“What does love look like? – Is it aligning with my partner’s post-work bad mood, so that we can connect through it and I can feel good by ‘helping’ him? Or is it calling it out, and not allowing an insidious and negative energy to run through our home and end with me feeling tension and stress in my body”.
This reminded me of my childhood and living with my father’s post-work bad mood. I hated it but certainly didn’t feel like helping him – I never called it out and in the end just argued with him a lot. Eventually I learnt to accept this insidious emotional behaviour and it too became a way of connecting with my partner. I turned it into a way of engaging where I felt good helping him or enjoining the outbursts. Very exhausting and draining, like you say Mary.
I am now learning that helping him is to bring a deeply tender loving honesty and openness to myself and therefore into our home which disarms the insidious emotional drama and allows us to go to that deeply sensitive and tender place we know so well in our hearts. I no longer need to fight back like I did with my Dad, feeding the drama, which frees us up to be so very sweet and tender with each other. It really can be exquisite.
Wow Suzanne, another blog in itself, thank you for sharing this, I can so relate to this from my own childhood and then the relationships that followed. What I really love in your words is that there is no blame on anyone here, just a choice to deepen into tenderness and honesty, holding a space for ourselves and each other to deepen further – and return to that loving way of being we all know so well in our hearts.
The words “insidious emotional drama” resonate with me – it is amazing how we can get so caught up in our own and other people’s dramas and just how draining it can be. When it happens at work now I am learning to observe how that feels in my body and to breathe gently, so that I can be calm and not engage with it.
Thanks Suzanne for your share. This has been (and still is) an area of learning for me too. My default patterns for most of my life with situations like the post work bad mood have been: to be nice and align with another person even though every part of me might be saying this feels awful – or to get frustrated and go head to head about them with no attention or care about the impact of my own expression – or to try to numb myself to the issue and ignore the whole thing. I might add that these responses have not once resulted in a fulfilling outcome.
I too have learned how differently it plays out for me and everyone when I take care and responsibility for myself being loving and tender regardless. The more I do this the more the situations around me naturally diffuse to a loving situation. For example I have had people at work refusing in an obnoxious manner to provide required information well after it was due, but a couple of months later after I had been working on my ability to remain loving and tender I found information arriving at my desk unprompted with some apologies for moderate delays.
Even if others carry on as before, the more I manage to hold the love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment the more fulfilling my day is, and the easier it is for me to do it the next day.
The contrast both in how I feel and what happens around me is huge. Which shows it is definitely an area worth working on.
Phew! I could feel the exhaustion in the first part of your article. A revelation when it dawns on us that we choose the way we live by the way we live with ourselves. Beautiful to read your tender rediscovery of yourself.
I agree Mary.
I totally agree, Mary. So lovely “to read your tender rediscovery of yourself.”
Yes I could feel and relate to the exhaustion in the first part of this blog, knowing it myself, as well as the anxiety and desperate solution hunting alongside the loaded expectation that it is someone else’s job to rescue me. And then, to step up and take responsibility, scary at first, realising that everything we have been searching for is inside us already…truly liberating. We are the masters of our lives.
“We are the masters of our lives” beautifully said!
I love this, thank you. It would have been useful to understand this in my earlier years!!! I am now coming to understand this and though I do not have a partner I am finding that the more tenderness, gentle care and loving understanding I have towards myself the more that is able to be expressed and received in the many other kinds of relationships in my life. What you say in the following sentence is a wonderful guideline with which to experiment with all as well as with a partner.
“How much more amazing would I feel and could our relationship be, if I could hold this love and tenderness within myself no matter what, rather than lose myself in reaction and judgment to (his) ‘others’ reactions, knowing that I am more than enough as I am already?”.
“When I take the lead by being myself”…I love this line. Thank you for this inspiring and personal (yet universal) account of coming out of blame and into a truer relationship with yourself and your partner.
Thank you for this very beautiful and spot on article! Sadly this form of separation can find allies and reinforcement everywhere, as it is such a common and completely acceptable complaint of women in relationships, that our men aren’t stepping up, while we are the ones doing all of the relationship work. I remember my partner saying to me many years ago, “so if I change this, will that be enough, will you be happy?”. At that moment I realised that there was no end to my dissatisfaction but also that every relationship I had been in was the same, I was deeply unhappy with just about everything they did or didn’t do….. and, hallelujah this was when a light went on ……the constant was me! Now years on and through the dedicated practice of coming home to myself, tenderly building and appreciating just how lovely I am, I can feel that it all starts and ends with me and when those feelings do arise it’s an awesome ‘pink’ flag moment to get that I have wandered away from myself and I need some ‘lovin’ up’ from me!!
I so know what you have shared here Tina. I recall acting fairly independent and strong and then I would start a relationship and presto I would become this person with a host of expectations and needs that needed to be fulfilled and needless to say I was never satisfied. Now years on I too am aware that it starts and ends with me – how I am with myself and within myself is reflected in all my relationships. And whenever I blame another person, that shows more about myself than the other person. It is perfectly just as this article describes. Quite beautiful and freeing really.
For whoever wrote this – it is a beautiful and honest revelation of our investment in things outside ourselves – and a reflection of what a lot of relationships are built on.
How amazing it is that a 6yr relationship can be totally transformed simply by accepting self first.
Thank you for sharing
Dear Anonymous,
I could kiss you right now, this was such a beautiful and honest sharing and to be truth-full, you could easily have been expressing from my own experience. I understand completely how we step away from love and instead choose the reactions, the blame and the disempowerment, and I can also relate to the steps you are taking back from this, to a place of greater responsibility and love, – tenderness being the key that is opening this new door – ever so delicately, taking the time so that no blame, resentment, anger, or anything other then love can enter the new space you are making for yourself.
Such beautiful expression – and a deep inspiration – so thank you anonymous, from all of me.
Beautifully put Anna. I love the image of a space being created where there can be no blame, resentment, anger or anything but love, and the fact that we can create it.
Hi Anonymous, you are not alone! I could so relate to what you were saying… the reliance and expectations I put on my partner were HUGE. I have been single for some years now, through choice, and it has been a great opportunity to accept how lovely it is just to be me. Gradually I am letting go of all those ideals around relationships that are stifling and limiting to myself and others.
This blog is very clearly written. Thank you. I could feel myself walking with you at every step. I totally agree. My experience and life is certainly showing me that when I take responsibility for me and build my internal connection and relationship with me, only then is it possible for my relationships or any harmful patterns to change.
I agree with you Shevon, my experience is showing me this too.
Beautiful Anonymous! Your tenderness can be felt in every word and what you have written is so true – how can we expect another to treat us with love and tenderness when we don’t treat ourselves that way? I heard some very wise words the other day, that “your experiences reflect your choices” and your post confirms this – that everything we experience has arisen from a choice of how to behave and as you are transforming your choices, so are your experiences within your relationship. Thank you for sharing, your realisations are very inspirational.
Well said Rowena and thank you to Anonymous. I can now look back on my marriage with a lot more honesty about my part in the challenges we faced. Our choices were not always loving – I am a lot wiser now and still learning about the amazing me!
Great blog, thank you. It’s so easy to look outside of ourselves for the answers and blame other people for what is not working. Recently I have been reminding myself to ask ‘Have I been loving’? before even trying to address what I think is a problem. If the answer is ‘no’ then I need to attend to that first before anything else. What I am finding is that when I do this the so called ‘problem’ often ceases to be a problem. And if the issue is still there, well then I have a loving platform to communicate from.
Well said Rebecca – as is said in the blog it is all too easy to look outside of ourselves and try to fix the ‘problem’ without addressing our part in it, or changing our energetic state of being.
Hi Rebecca, how great that you ask yourself “Have I been loving?” before you respond. Imagine a world where we all did that first before we responded to anyone. Beautiful.