Losing a Baby and the Life Lessons that Follow

Being pregnant was a joy and happened so much quicker than I had expected. I was in complete awe of my body and how everything interconnected and worked in a beautiful rhythm to create what was to be a little human being. It was incredible and made me appreciate my body and just how amazing it was to see myself grow and shift with each stage of the pregnancy, as early as it was. I knew I was pregnant the moment we had conceived and I also knew I was having a girl. It was as if all of my senses had become more aware and a great feeling of clarity came to the surface: my world had changed in many ways, and more would soon follow.

I had come to my 12-week ultrasound and I was so excited to be able to get a look at my baby and to see and hear her heartbeat. What was to follow was a surprise at the time, but I knew my steadiness would support me to make the most loving decision for myself and to grow from what lay ahead. We were then told that the ultrasound had come back showing genetic abnormalities and a weak heart, and we would need to consider the possibilities of a medical termination.

The news was heavy and at times hard to believe, as it all happened so quickly – just as quickly as the pregnancy itself. But even though I felt quite steady within myself, there was a niggling feeling of failure welling up inside. I questioned whether I had done something wrong, which made me feel anxious, helpless and, in truth, that I had failed as a woman.

A million thoughts came rushing into my head, which tried to distract me feeling what my body really felt to be true. Silly thoughts tried to come in like ‘maybe the fever I had a month ago had caused the abnormality’, ‘had I been getting enough sleep?’, ‘was I eating enough to support the growth of my baby?’ etc. As those thoughts entered, I knew that they weren’t coming from my true inner sense – and a different thought entered, with complete clarity: ‘You will grow and learn.’

These words then stayed with me throughout this period and showed me that we can be quick to judge these times as failures and tragedies, but we can take a different approach to also appreciate the moment and heal from our experiences, too.

KZ-Loosing a baby and the life lessons that follow

This moment opened up a huge wound I had carried for many years about myself as a woman, and feeling as if something was wrong with me. Even when I was a little girl, whenever I went to the doctors for test results, I always counted on the worst possible scenario. Picturing in my head these crazy stories or illnesses that never came to fruition, I kept feeling the same anxiety whenever a test result was near.

So when my partner and I visited the genetics department of the hospital to have our test results confirmed for our baby, I took a moment to remind myself of the words that had come to me earlier ‘You will grow and learn.’ I knew what was to come next would be healing for both myself and my partner. We were then told that I had done nothing wrong, and I felt this huge amount of relief in my body. It was as if I had given myself permission to simply let go and show the world every little inch of who I was without fear or shame of what was to come.

I could not hold back the tears any longer and it was in these moments of vulnerability shared with my partner, family and friends, that I began to see how this opened up greater honesty in my relationships. I was never one to cry or show emotion very much, preferring to keep my sensitivity locked up or only cry when I knew I was by myself. I have always held the belief that crying was a sign of weakness, and was told from a young age to be brave and strong and that there was no need to cry. What I felt when I shared my experiences of my termination with others was a great solidness within the vulnerability of my experiences, and a deeper understanding and awareness of others and how they too felt in difficult situations within their own lives.

Many people shared similar stories of miscarriages and terminations that they themselves had not discussed so openly before, showing me that if we allow our vulnerability to speak in these moments, we unlock a new level of understanding and growth for many others too. I have found that the more we talk openly about our experiences with miscarriage or abortion, the more interconnected we feel, and the isolation, shame or judgment we may have felt, disappears.

My pregnancy may not have continued through until the birth of my child, but the imprint left behind by my unborn daughter is simply that of love. That love will live on and will help me to continue to heal and evolve as life presents itself to me, one moment at a time, and for that I am greatly appreciative.

This period of my life has not only made me honour myself as a woman, but also appreciate how far I have come. To continue to confirm and appreciate my vulnerability and delicateness as a quality to be honoured and expressed, and not a sign of weakness.

Through this experience I have grown more solid and clear about the choices I make and how I move to not only lovingly support myself, but to honour who I am within these choices. Confirming that each step made in connection to my body is a precious part of my growth as a woman. From the first inklings of conceiving to making the choice to terminate, the experience has shown me that in each and every moment we can choose to surrender to what’s on offer; to then evolve with what is shared through the movements of love, by expressing what we truly feel.

When my partner and I decide to have another child, we will be fully supported by our choices made from our first pregnancy, to then bring more love and understanding into the next. The love reflected in our choices then confirms the opportunity for more growth and a deeper awareness of the whole. I may have lost my baby, but the loving choices I made at the time have made me clearer and more aware of my next choices, and have confirmed the love and responsibility I hold at this time.

When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is, and are much more willing to see and learn from every opportunity.

By KZ

For further inspiration …

Is miscarriage synonymous with pain, or is there another way? Read Michelle’s experience.

Allowing my vulnerability was my key to opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” Joan on letting go of patterns that she thought she was stuck in for life …

Is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable what supports us to have deeper relationships?

517 thoughts on “Losing a Baby and the Life Lessons that Follow

  1. I know that loosing a baby can be very painful, but the learning that comes from it can also support us to make changes in our way of living and discover the tenderness we are.

  2. We are literally given so much opportunity in situations we wouldn’t have planned for ourselves.

    Sometimes we may not choose to see it but God is there with us at all times.

  3. I have never been pregnant and I have not had this experience, so I can only imagine how tough an experience this might be. How beautiful to share your vulnerability and fragility over the loss of your unborn child and the learning and wisdom that came as a result.

  4. Since the beginning of time there has been so much anguish, heartache and trauma associated with death. Countless parents have never got over the death of their children and people throughout history have suffered incredibly due to losing loved ones. But so often the pain of losing people is accentuated by the feeling that those people have gone forever but the fact is they haven’t. Yes the body and form that that assumed for this particular lifetime will not be replicated but the depth of that person in their essence remains vibrant and super charged and never will it fade.

  5. Amazing how when we open up and allow greater honesty in our relationships we are supported to let go of deep wounds and hurts that may have been around for a long long time.

  6. Thank you for sharing how your baby offered you such a profound healing and in writing about your journey you are also giving others the opportunity to heal as well, as so many will be able to identify with the feeling of something being wrong with them when in fact we are always enough we just need to appreciate what we bring and be willing to embrace the learning along the way which you have done so whole heartedly.

  7. There has to be a level of deep self love that comes into any situation where one feels any kind of loss, for with out self love, self acceptance and understanding the situation will always feel worse then it is.

  8. Profound insights and revelations offered here. Thank you.

    I have not had a miscarriage myself, but I can see how what is shared here has implications in all aspects of life.

    “If we allow our vulnerability to speak in these moments, we unlock a new level of understanding and growth for many others too.” This reminder in itself is worth a million.

  9. “From the first inklings of conceiving to making the choice to terminate, the experience has shown me that in each and every moment we can choose to surrender to what’s on offer; to then evolve with what is shared through the movements of love, by expressing what we truly feel.” What ever happens in life choosing to surrender to what has been given to us allows the situation to unfold rather than being stuck in the emotional turmoil that keeps us stuck in it and unable to move on.

  10. ‘When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is, and are much more willing to see and learn from every opportunity.’ Absolutely beautiful and what an amazing sharing of how when you surrender to what is offered to you, you grow and deepen with it and you become more with yourself and all others.

  11. ‘When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is, and are much more willing to see and learn from every opportunity.’ This is such a beautiful comment that is relevant for all areas of life.

  12. Losing anyone can be absolutely devastating and its important to honour our tenderness and delicateness especially at these times, if we can allow unplanned events as you have done to remind us of the bigger picture and the fact we are never truly alone, then we have the chance to turn something quite emotional into an evolutionary moment for all.

  13. Appreciating and honouring how we feel and allowing ourselves the space and vulnerability is a beautiful healing for our body and our evolution.

  14. To express and share what we truly feel allows us to see things clearer and gives way for letting go of the heaviness and tension we are in. Keeping things to ourself make us heavier with every step we take and has us create a whole story that then becomes our reality.

  15. To read the story of a woman like this can really change your perspective of that woman, we get to understand that each and every one of us truly has a path to walk and we are not to judge where the person standing in front of us may be. We may have come from the same place, but the path walked may have been very different.

  16. It wasn’t until I had a miscarriage myself that I learned so many of my friends had also experienced one. One in six pregnancies – that’s a lot of un-talked about experiences.

    1. We have so much to offer each other when we are willing to share our experiences and offer others the chance to speak about how they have been affected by similar events.

  17. Thankyou for sharing KZ. “To continue to confirm and appreciate my vulnerability and delicateness as a quality to be honoured and expressed, and not a sign of weakness.” Beautiful. To ask for support when we need it is so important or we bury our feelings that go underground within us and may come back to bite us later on in life.

  18. KZ- I love how you have allowed your vulnerability and have been very honest in your sharing of your personal experience of choosing to abort your pregnancy. So many emotions and beliefs come up to look at, even for myself as a midwife. We have been taught to go into sympathy as a way of caring for the woman in situations like your own. I can feel how this pulls you deeper into the emotions and you then take on the pain- I feel the weight on my shoulders… it’s like we are expected to fix the situation and want to make the woman feel better. But you end up feeling drained & exhausted instead.
    Allowance and acceptance is what I am learning from your experience, for there is always a bigger picture and lesson to learn.

  19. The fact that this is a hugely taboo subject KZ shows how far we have strayed from the truth. No matter the physical pain and emotional discomfort this world is full of things here to help – just not in the form we pictured they should take. If we stop judging life we might start to see its potential to be great.

  20. The potential life lessons from loosing a baby are huge, as there are for all such life and death events. To grasp the opportunity is huge in stepping forward.

  21. I know for me the more real, raw and honest I stay with the way I am feeling the more I actually get to see what is happening or has happened as I get to observe it and so get an understanding. Whereas if I harden up to not feel it I cut this awareness off and if I try to fix it I usually go into the emotions of it and then I am completely lost caught up in it!

  22. “Allowing my vulnerability was my key to opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” Beautiful, if we all allowed ourselves to feel our vulnerability the world would be a completely different place.

    1. It sure would Sam. So often we can think of feeling vulnerability as a weakness but it is actually very real and comes with it a solidity whereas trying to protect ourselves generally means we harden up and then do not feel what is really going on.

  23. Life is a lesson, lesson after lesson. If we embrace these lessons life becomes beautiful but if, like a bad secondary school student, we resist and deny the lessons life becomes difficult and a struggle.

  24. ‘When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is…’ I love this and realise the formula of the appreciation feedback look… the more appreciation I have the more there is.

  25. Losing a baby might be a very different experience if we are immortal, moving from life to life and body to body than if we think that this was the one and only chance for this baby to be born and to live.

  26. ‘You will grow and learn.’ These inner voices of wisdom are beautiful to hear. I have had one or two experiences like this and the clarity, conviction and absoluteness they came with supported me in life with what was to follow.

  27. The true value of life and all our experiences is reflected here lovingly with an honesty and rawness not often shown in life and so honouring of ourselves to express and live.

  28. Without realising it, it’s easy for us to become invested in outcomes instead of remembering that it’s the Love, wisdom and understanding we bring to any situation that is the main thing. No matter what takes place we have a choice to read and translate life’s events back to God’s true messages.

  29. What’s beautiful in this is how you opened up to your partner and your family and you let the rawness be felt. We don’t have to always be tough and strong when we feel there is something to let go of.

      1. Allowing ourselves to feel our rawness can be refreshing, especially when we have kept our feelings at bay. In going there, we allow room for a fresh breeze to blow in after the release, in the wake of which we are left with a deeper honesty and settlement, and in my case a deeper appreciation of everything that has happened to achieve that healing.

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