Being pregnant was a joy and happened so much quicker than I had expected. I was in complete awe of my body and how everything interconnected and worked in a beautiful rhythm to create what was to be a little human being. It was incredible and made me appreciate my body and just how amazing it was to see myself grow and shift with each stage of the pregnancy, as early as it was. I knew I was pregnant the moment we had conceived and I also knew I was having a girl. It was as if all of my senses had become more aware and a great feeling of clarity came to the surface: my world had changed in many ways, and more would soon follow.
I had come to my 12-week ultrasound and I was so excited to be able to get a look at my baby and to see and hear her heartbeat. What was to follow was a surprise at the time, but I knew my steadiness would support me to make the most loving decision for myself and to grow from what lay ahead. We were then told that the ultrasound had come back showing genetic abnormalities and a weak heart, and we would need to consider the possibilities of a medical termination.
The news was heavy and at times hard to believe, as it all happened so quickly – just as quickly as the pregnancy itself. But even though I felt quite steady within myself, there was a niggling feeling of failure welling up inside. I questioned whether I had done something wrong, which made me feel anxious, helpless and, in truth, that I had failed as a woman.
A million thoughts came rushing into my head, which tried to distract me feeling what my body really felt to be true. Silly thoughts tried to come in like ‘maybe the fever I had a month ago had caused the abnormality’, ‘had I been getting enough sleep?’, ‘was I eating enough to support the growth of my baby?’ etc. As those thoughts entered, I knew that they weren’t coming from my true inner sense – and a different thought entered, with complete clarity: ‘You will grow and learn.’
These words then stayed with me throughout this period and showed me that we can be quick to judge these times as failures and tragedies, but we can take a different approach to also appreciate the moment and heal from our experiences, too.
This moment opened up a huge wound I had carried for many years about myself as a woman, and feeling as if something was wrong with me. Even when I was a little girl, whenever I went to the doctors for test results, I always counted on the worst possible scenario. Picturing in my head these crazy stories or illnesses that never came to fruition, I kept feeling the same anxiety whenever a test result was near.
So when my partner and I visited the genetics department of the hospital to have our test results confirmed for our baby, I took a moment to remind myself of the words that had come to me earlier ‘You will grow and learn.’ I knew what was to come next would be healing for both myself and my partner. We were then told that I had done nothing wrong, and I felt this huge amount of relief in my body. It was as if I had given myself permission to simply let go and show the world every little inch of who I was without fear or shame of what was to come.
I could not hold back the tears any longer and it was in these moments of vulnerability shared with my partner, family and friends, that I began to see how this opened up greater honesty in my relationships. I was never one to cry or show emotion very much, preferring to keep my sensitivity locked up or only cry when I knew I was by myself. I have always held the belief that crying was a sign of weakness, and was told from a young age to be brave and strong and that there was no need to cry. What I felt when I shared my experiences of my termination with others was a great solidness within the vulnerability of my experiences, and a deeper understanding and awareness of others and how they too felt in difficult situations within their own lives.
Many people shared similar stories of miscarriages and terminations that they themselves had not discussed so openly before, showing me that if we allow our vulnerability to speak in these moments, we unlock a new level of understanding and growth for many others too. I have found that the more we talk openly about our experiences with miscarriage or abortion, the more interconnected we feel, and the isolation, shame or judgment we may have felt, disappears.
My pregnancy may not have continued through until the birth of my child, but the imprint left behind by my unborn daughter is simply that of love. That love will live on and will help me to continue to heal and evolve as life presents itself to me, one moment at a time, and for that I am greatly appreciative.
This period of my life has not only made me honour myself as a woman, but also appreciate how far I have come. To continue to confirm and appreciate my vulnerability and delicateness as a quality to be honoured and expressed, and not a sign of weakness.
Through this experience I have grown more solid and clear about the choices I make and how I move to not only lovingly support myself, but to honour who I am within these choices. Confirming that each step made in connection to my body is a precious part of my growth as a woman. From the first inklings of conceiving to making the choice to terminate, the experience has shown me that in each and every moment we can choose to surrender to what’s on offer; to then evolve with what is shared through the movements of love, by expressing what we truly feel.
When my partner and I decide to have another child, we will be fully supported by our choices made from our first pregnancy, to then bring more love and understanding into the next. The love reflected in our choices then confirms the opportunity for more growth and a deeper awareness of the whole. I may have lost my baby, but the loving choices I made at the time have made me clearer and more aware of my next choices, and have confirmed the love and responsibility I hold at this time.
When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is, and are much more willing to see and learn from every opportunity.
By KZ
For further inspiration …
Is miscarriage synonymous with pain, or is there another way? Read Michelle’s experience.
“Allowing my vulnerability was my key to opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” Joan on letting go of patterns that she thought she was stuck in for life …
Is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable what supports us to have deeper relationships?
Women in Livingness Blog 
That very last part really resonates with me today. Having viewed the day as rubbish or uninspiring when actually what is needed is greater understanding, then the appreciation can be seen and lessons learnt.
Expressing your vulnerability here is beautiful to read, within your vulnerability is strength, wisdom and a wise knowing. Ultimately surrendering to God we are always held in his pure love.
Life gives us sometimes unexpected extraordinary perfect ways of learning and evolving.
Appreciating where we are at, at any given time is the way to go.
I recently had a very challenging experience and can really relate when I read your words. “When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is”
Every moment is an opportunity to learn.
Yes, what a shame that we are not supported in this way at the time. Through blogs like this we offer each other an opportunity to bring more understanding, which allows more ease in the body.
I have come back to this today with a deeper appreciation of the opportunity offered in every moment in life, every supposed happy or sad moment. There is nothing that does not have an opportunity for deeper understanding of who we are and the relationships that are in our lives. Your baby may not have gone to term, or be with us today, but being pregnant offered you something that has laid a foundation for you to take through the rest of your life. Thank you for sharing with us so we too can appreciate what was offered.
Yes, a willingness to not see everything that goes ‘wrong’ as a failure but as an opportunity; it also questions our perception of right and wrong, good and bad. Perhaps our view of those experiences lacks the learnings of the bigger picture.
Lessons come in all varieties, it is really up to us to be open and receive – nothing that happens has to taint our lives, nothing that happens has to be the end of the world. It is our perception and the way we live our lives that help us deal with what comes our way.
This is so true ‘we can be quick to judge these times as failures and tragedies, but we can take a different approach to also appreciate the moment and heal from our experiences, too.’ this is something I am learning more about too.
The magic is in the fact that we can learn from every single experience we have.
I know that loosing a baby can be very painful, but the learning that comes from it can also support us to make changes in our way of living and discover the tenderness we are.
Yes, I found that, the changes we can make are ones we know we wanted to make before but never felt worthy enough. How sad is it that we need an excuse and a reason to prioritise our own tender loving care?!
We are literally given so much opportunity in situations we wouldn’t have planned for ourselves.
Sometimes we may not choose to see it but God is there with us at all times.
I have never been pregnant and I have not had this experience, so I can only imagine how tough an experience this might be. How beautiful to share your vulnerability and fragility over the loss of your unborn child and the learning and wisdom that came as a result.
Having a relationship with the all that is beyond our human existence means there is no loss. And when we are willing to be open to love and learning there is only expansion.
Since the beginning of time there has been so much anguish, heartache and trauma associated with death. Countless parents have never got over the death of their children and people throughout history have suffered incredibly due to losing loved ones. But so often the pain of losing people is accentuated by the feeling that those people have gone forever but the fact is they haven’t. Yes the body and form that that assumed for this particular lifetime will not be replicated but the depth of that person in their essence remains vibrant and super charged and never will it fade.
Amazing how when we open up and allow greater honesty in our relationships we are supported to let go of deep wounds and hurts that may have been around for a long long time.
Thank you for sharing how your baby offered you such a profound healing and in writing about your journey you are also giving others the opportunity to heal as well, as so many will be able to identify with the feeling of something being wrong with them when in fact we are always enough we just need to appreciate what we bring and be willing to embrace the learning along the way which you have done so whole heartedly.
There has to be a level of deep self love that comes into any situation where one feels any kind of loss, for with out self love, self acceptance and understanding the situation will always feel worse then it is.
Profound insights and revelations offered here. Thank you.
I have not had a miscarriage myself, but I can see how what is shared here has implications in all aspects of life.
“If we allow our vulnerability to speak in these moments, we unlock a new level of understanding and growth for many others too.” This reminder in itself is worth a million.
“From the first inklings of conceiving to making the choice to terminate, the experience has shown me that in each and every moment we can choose to surrender to what’s on offer; to then evolve with what is shared through the movements of love, by expressing what we truly feel.” What ever happens in life choosing to surrender to what has been given to us allows the situation to unfold rather than being stuck in the emotional turmoil that keeps us stuck in it and unable to move on.
‘When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is, and are much more willing to see and learn from every opportunity.’ Absolutely beautiful and what an amazing sharing of how when you surrender to what is offered to you, you grow and deepen with it and you become more with yourself and all others.
Yes, I am using this moment of appreciation to consider the importance of deepening as a choice rather than waiting for a reflection that means I do it with a reason that comes from outside of me.
‘When we appreciate where we are at, we begin to see how amazing every moment is, and are much more willing to see and learn from every opportunity.’ This is such a beautiful comment that is relevant for all areas of life.
Losing anyone can be absolutely devastating and its important to honour our tenderness and delicateness especially at these times, if we can allow unplanned events as you have done to remind us of the bigger picture and the fact we are never truly alone, then we have the chance to turn something quite emotional into an evolutionary moment for all.
Being willing to be open and vulnerable with each other is a sure fire way to build true, supportive and developmental relationships.
We have a habit of lumping life’s events into a bucket of ‘bad’ and a bucket of ‘good’. This addiction is a way to avoid seeing the real teaching and deepening our Love.
Appreciating and honouring how we feel and allowing ourselves the space and vulnerability is a beautiful healing for our body and our evolution.
The key to further expansion is to appreciate where we are at and grow from there.
Amazing learning KZ and huge healing, so powerful when we take out being critical about ourselves and let ourselves be shown what there is to be known.
To express and share what we truly feel allows us to see things clearer and gives way for letting go of the heaviness and tension we are in. Keeping things to ourself make us heavier with every step we take and has us create a whole story that then becomes our reality.