I recently spent the weekend with a friend and felt an amazing connection. This is someone I have met only twice before, yet it felt like we’d known each other for lifetimes. It felt strange and odd feeling so connected with someone I barely knew, with nothing sexual about the relationship and no neediness from either of us. Just the simple confirmation and joy of a deep connection with another person, and reflection from an equally beautiful woman.
Part of what made this connection so strong was a natural intimacy between us. There. I said it. Intimacy! That little word, so loaded with ideas and expectations. It got me pondering why I’m so uncomfortable with the word intimacy, and also the relationship that I have with it, and myself. I’d only really ever associated the word ‘intimacy’ with its euphemistic references to sex, and/or sexual relationships, and I hadn’t ever considered before whether I could be intimate with a friend, regardless of whether they were the same gender as me.
It felt strange to even think that I might even consider myself as intimate with someone who wasn’t my partner and for whom I had no sexual feelings, without it feeling at best, totally weird, or at the very least, a little bit ‘mushy’ and gross.
But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?
What felt uncomfortable was the idea of opening myself up, being all of me, without hiding or holding back. Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.
In spite of my uncertainty, allowing myself just to be me without holding back or measuring, was so easy, and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people. When I stopped measuring, calibrating, holding back for fear of upsetting the other person or fearing being judged by them, the conversation just flowed. The way we expressed to each other was with grace and understanding – like a sort of dance, just sharing whatever was there to be felt and said. It was a totally different way of relating to someone and quite different from the usual way I relate to people: from my head, saying what I think needs to be said for us to get things done but never rock the boat.
It felt so natural and easy to share all of me with her, without holding back, and without fear of being judged or criticised. I had a sort of ‘wow’ feeling, where I felt, “wow – imagine if I could be this way with everyone!” And then, “why aren’t I being this way with everyone, when it’s so straightforward and fun? Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?”
It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.
In allowing myself to just be all of me with this friend, I got to feel how much I hold myself back and hide behind a mask of who I think I need to be to ‘fit in’ and be accepted. And, how much I’ve been waiting for other people to validate who I am, or who I thought I should be.
If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives. Some may react when we choose to be all of ourselves, and others not. But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.
To open ourselves up to another, to fully share ourselves with them and the world, feels a little terrifying. What if they reject us or hurt us? What if the world has a meltdown at us finally being ourselves?
But it’s also our only true way of being in the world and in relationships, and really what the other person wants us to be, too: our true selves, honest and real, warts and all. No hiding.
Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?
And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?
by Bryony, London, UK
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Bryony, thank you so much for your sharing, which many of us can relate to I am sure – having had this experience of openness and intimacy with one person is like having a new marker for how all relationships can be from here forwards. Thus an opportunity to grow all relationships is offered.
Not being who we are IS leading a double life and IS exhausting. And we have often been conditioned for this to behave in a way that is appropriate, to play a role or to please another….not that it is about being rude or inappropriate to others, but it is about dropping the pretenses and not playing the games but rather allowing ourselves to express from the depth of our hearts and not being scared to be rejected for the beauty that we can bring forth. Easy to say though not always easy to live.
Bryony, what a gorgeous article talking about intimacy and how this is a natural way for us to be with everyone. In our society we have twisted the word intimacy to mean so many things it is not, so this is great to clarify it and give it back its original meaning of letting the depth of our divine origin being seen and expressed through us.
“By pondering on what hiding truly means to me I experience that when i am with a friend or stranger, with both to have the same openess and be detached to have a result or to keep a friendship”, what if we made simply being ourselves the result that we wanted? It seems to me to make so much sense because then we’d be able able to guarantee the result every time regardless of whether we’re with the prime minister or a mate.
“Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?” I have come to realise that if we’re only ‘sharing portions of us a time” then the portions that we’re sharing are not true because we exist as part of a whole, segment that whole and it’s no longer a true representation of itself, it’s become something very different.
It’s strange that we assume that others wouldn’t want us to be ourselves, we they in fact may. And even if they react or it’s uncomfortable, at least we can breathe freely and be ourselves, instead of being under the awful constriction of holding ourselves back or fitting a mould.
Not everyone is going to be our friend when we are truly ourselves. I know I haven’t wanted to be friends with someone who is truly themselves, thats because it asks me to be more of who I truly am which always in hindsight is grander and more amazing than the false ‘me’ I’ve adopted or claimed is ‘me’ in the knowing that it’s been a lie the whole time.
‘Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?’ great question Bryony and I would say that if we are only sharing a portion of us at a time then even that portion can’t be true. The only way to share our true selves is to share all that we are at the same time.
When we allow ourselves to bare all that we are we offer and inspire another to do the same.
As with any kind of relationship, its super important to make it about energy, when we see energy first we make it about evolution and not getting stagnant.
Lovely that you felt you could be completely you and intimate and open with another. This is how it should be with everyone all of the time.
Thank you, Bryony for sharing this gorgeous experience. I love it too when we are open to fully connect and be intimacy with people we meet or spend time with. It is the yummiest feeling when we can feel we have known each other for lifetimes even if it has only been days. This happens quite often and I deeply cherish these intimate moments where time is not relevant.
Time and age becomes less and less relevant, the more we open up and fully share ourselves with others. Sharing a deeper level of connection can be instantaneous and happen with anyone, at any time, whether we’ve known someone for a lifetime or a few seconds.
When we are being true to ourselves and bring it all to another we offer everything that is needed in that moment and whether it is welcomed and accepted or dismissed and resisted it is perfectly constellated to support everyone – the growth of another and the confirmation within ourselves.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” – yes because when it’s not there it’s cold, divisive and uninviting, the exact opposite of how we were born and our very nature.
It is so tiring keeping ourselves guarded from another, no wonder most of society is exhausted – we don’t let each other in, we play the nice and good game and all the time miss out on that gold you express hear Bryony when two people do connect on an all knowing level.
Yes, I absolutely agree Sam. This is the kind of connection I love and when it comes my way, I deeply appreciate it and I know we can have this level of connection at any time. It just depends if we are open to it or not, shutting each other out is never really any fun, so why would we choose it?
We shut each other out when we react to something that another is reflecting or presenting that makes us feel hurt or uncomfortable in some way: it might challenge a picture we’re holding about how life is or another should be.
And when we’re game playing, which most of us are doing most of the time then Heaven can’t be expressed through us, Heaven can only be expressed through us when we’re in sync with it’s movements and pretending to be anything other than who we are is not a movement that Heaven recognises as part of itself.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” – in a word Bryony, yes it is. Intimacy with another person opens us up to trust and from there to deepening that trust we have with them. This is how relationships blossom.
Opening up to living all of who we are can cause a reaction in ourselves when we realise just how amazing we are or a response that calls us to deepen our understanding of ourselves and to live with an ever deepening awareness of our responsibility to be true to who we are.
Yes Mary, the power and authority within is to be welcomed and lived and not to withhold and hence react to. Holding back the qualities of who we are does not support another regardless the excuses and justifications we can come up with!
Love this Bryony, you touch on many points here that are gorgeous “To open ourselves up to another, to fully share ourselves with them and the world, feels a little terrifying” it sure can and sometimes we are masters of avoiding it but when we do go there it is so so worth it.
Well said Sam – which confirms the fact that we know how to be intimate in relationships but that we can be masters of avoiding it…. now this is an interesting thing to ponder on…what do we get from this?
Intimacy is truly great to feel and when we offer our love to another with a willingness to let go of the protection even more is on offer.
“It felt so natural and easy to share all of me with her, without holding back, and without fear of being judged or criticised. I had a sort of ‘wow’ feeling, where I felt, “wow – imagine if I could be this way with everyone!” This lovely sisterhood in action no needs, expectations, or holding back just two women enjoying being with each other and allowing each moment to unfold.
Yes, it can be quite exhausting when we stop being true to ourselves, ‘It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.’
When we are truly open to connect to another woman, we soon realise that in essence we are no different, we only express our sacredness through a uniquely constellated body that is designed for us to reflect Heaven in a way that only we can. As the quality is the same, we can never truly compare ourselves to that which we also are, only be blessed and inspired by it.
Recently some wise words were shared with me that really hit home: intimacy is not the willingness to share our issues and problems but to be willing to show our power with another.
Thank you for sharing Carolien it is so true and makes such a difference to how we feel about each other. We can inspire each other to be more rather than getting stuck in each others issues, that is true power.
I love how your comment brought me back to tis Alison as it is such a strong belief that intimacy is about showing our ‘weak points’ when rather it is our true godly power that we are trying to hide as to not be seen for who we are and be asked to be this all the time.
It can feel uncomfortable opening all of ourselves up, no holding back, being completely transparent, allowing ourselves to be seen in full for who we truly are, but, ‘how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?’
It is such a huge point here about how being ourselves allows others to be themselves too – this brings it back to the responsibility we have in ourselves – that it is never just about us – it is always about taking it back to the ripple effects we each create.
We expend so much energy holding back and hiding our true selves in case someone finds us unacceptable but in never being true to ourselves we dismiss ourselves and have to live with the consequences of our own abandonment. The more I let go of my tendencies to say what I feel others want to hear, the more open I can be to build intimate relationships with others and to feel like I have come home to myself.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” So true we crave intimacy, it is our natural way of being but we are never shown it or taught it so we become disillusioned that it we think we will never achieve it when in fact intimacy is something we allow and open up to and never have to achieve.
I have been fitting my whole life being the exquisite beautiful woman that I am and over a period time with the support of Esoteric Women’s Health and all the modalities on offer I have been inspired and confirmed what I have felt all along. This can’t not inspire those around me and it is awesome to see how this has a powerful ripple effect. Nothing to do just to simple be the beauty that I am.
Our collective Amness is the beauty of God, how stunning is that?
‘When I stopped measuring, calibrating, holding back for fear of upsetting the other person or fearing being judged by them, the conversation just flowed’ When we can be absolutely honest in this way relationships have a chance to prosper. We can support each other in being and living from our essence which is where true joy can be found.
Bryony I love this as so many of us are afraid to be who we really are with another – yet we when do go there and open a little more we find its not so terrifying in fact we usually find thats when the magic starts to happen.
So true Sam, we tend to forget that we are all the same, and so we are all longing for this intimacy which means that when it is on offer it is more then not very welcomed. It is as if one person saying yes is giving another permission to do the same.
Instead of putting ourselves in a box to fit a set of ideals and beliefs, we can learn to open up and be honest about who we are and how we are feeling, we can become real which allows others to also be come real and develop true intimacy.
Bryony this is gorgeous, developing intimacy with one another is one of the most rewarding things we can do, dropping our boundaries and not being afraid to show who we are means we reflect to each other the universe and beyond.
The joy of truly being ourselves and the intimacy that is natural and real from here is deeply beautiful to feel and share and something so lacking in the world today but it is never to late to change and allow ourselves be the inspiration for others also.
It takes SO much more energy to keep the barriers, protection and pretence going, than just being ourselves! It makes our relationships and life so much simpler to just be, so let’s walk it and reflect it so we can address the worrying rise in exhaustion as we try to hold on to what we don’t need to hold on to.
Lucy this is so true – playing games exhausts us and has long term effects. First steps for us to stop this game playing is of course to realise that we are doing it. Then to consider the why we are doing it…once this is understood then changing the way we are with things can be looked at.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations. ” So true, Being like a chameleon is a recipe for disaster. Staying true to ourselves with everyone involves being open and transparent. This encourages others to be so too.
The only way we can connect with others in truth is to be willing to open ourselves up to be seen for all that we are. Being open and honest is Where it starts and then the layers of hiding come off, I have found.
I am finding the same Samantha, and just this week I have come to fel that it isn’t as scary as I thought it was and that it is very beautiful to feel ourselves in all of who we are and share this with another.
Thank you for sharing Carolien, Yes and just like how the rose blossoms, we can unfurl and keep opening up and showing and sharing who we are. So many of walk around protected just in case we get hurt, I know I have and I can, but chose to give openness ago and you begin to learn there is nothing to fear and much to enjoy.
Ultimately when we reveal ourselves what we are in truth revealing is that there is no self there is just God in all of His dazzling beauty.
Recently I have been exploring what intimacy looks like in a relationship – this is with my husband. And it feels almost foreign to take it to new areas – where it is not about the physical but how we connect and express with each other. It is a new experiment – a new imprint of what we knew intimacy to be before – and something I can see I can take to every relationship.
Yes it is not about sex, this is about every interaction we have and the depth we are prepared to be seen and so see others. There is so much less effort involved and great to build a relationship with so we can spot where we go into the old patterns of protection and guarding against people we deeply love!
Intimacy is delicious, it’s wonderful, it’s incredibly satisfying. Intimacy has a freshness about it, it’s alive and vibrant and forever looking for new ways to invent itself. Intimacy is what we all know and yet what most of us lack almost completely in our lives.
I read a comment once and it described how living in a way that was unprotected was similar to living like a snail without a shell. That comment stuck with me and ultimately that’s how we all have to live, like snails without their shells. Pure abandon.
“why aren’t I being this way with everyone, when it’s so straightforward and fun?” And that’s the simplicity of it, we can simply be ourselves and allow others to see us, and stop trying and life is so much more straight-forward, simple and yes fun.
” And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too? ”
When we are truly ourselves it actually inspires another to live the fullness of themselves.
Intimacy is a much misunderstood word often with sexual connotations. It is lovely to read this story Bryony and know that intimacy is a deep connection with ourselves and then able to extend this to others.
Intimacy, a word so easily only used for physical contact, actually brings such a wealth to all of our relationships (with ourselves and all other people). Sharing all of ourselves makes the world a joyful place.
It’s such paradox that intimacy is something that we deeply want but at the same time we are so scared of it we resist going there even with our closest friends. What are we so scared of?
Beautiful Byrony. This is such a valuable conversation to have as the true meaning and power of intimacy has been lost in our society. When we are open to developing an intimate relationship with ourselves where we embrace, accept, appreciate and simply love who we are, sharing this quality with another in the foundation of being intimate with another. As you have shared, I have also experienced the power intimacy has when shared in relationships, and the depth of connection that is offered is inspiring to no end. No relationship can ever be stale when we are connecting with true intimacy.
“In spite of my uncertainty, allowing myself just to be me without holding back or measuring, was so easy, and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.” – I’ve found this too, as in how exhausting it is to try to be a certain way to garner acceptance or recognition whereas if I truly honour what I feel and just be open and true to who I am then there is a great simplicity with this and a natural flow of vitality.
Every moment we hold back everyone including ourselves loses out. As I begin to let go of self and my needs I cannot but express who I am regardless of where another is at. How can I hold back and not share all of me with another when that which is flowing through me is not for me but for everyone?
What I have realised recently is how much I hold myself in protection expecting to be hurt by others and how this then is a rejection of them and sets me up to be on edge and over-sensitive to everything and misreading of what is actually going on- personalising things that have nothing to do with me.
Sometimes it is as if we expect it cannot be easy and we need a mask to survive in the world but it is surviving with a mask and holding ourselves back and we only start to truly live when we allow ourselves to be who we are, simple and true
When we are willing to be intimate with others we are no longer alone.
When others react or play games our role is not to withdraw from life but to continue to hold them in Love. This provides a safe space for them to surrender and return to the truth. Love is not a two way thing but an energy we can all bring. Thank you Bryony.
“Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?” Protecting ourselves from being hurt is an enormous barrier to intimacy, letting ourselves be seen for who we are, in full with no calibrating. And yet we really harm ourselves when we don’t let others see who we are, we hurt ourselves the most.
Having been hurt in the past through friendship I withdrew and held back, waiting for the other to offer friendship first. On realising this didn’t work I gave learned to open up more – this still in process – but the rewards are greater. If I hold back it serves no one. If people don’t respond then I know I have done my part. Letting go of expectations as to outcomes makes a massive difference.
I love the freedom we give ourselves when we allow ourselves permission to simply be naturally us. It’s actually crazy that we should limit ourselves to be any other way.
This way of describing intimacy feels far more expansive than baring your body intimately. It’s showing off everything to another such as our feelings and imperfections. The more I learn to let myself be seens and felt the more my understanding of intimacy grows.
There are so many pictures around the word ‘intimacy’, I know I used to feel you could only be intimate with your partner, this is so limiting and stopped me connecting in a deeper way with others.
It is really lovely to feel we can be just ourselves and that there are no expectations or judgments from the other person because then in my experience we naturally tend to be ourselves and let us literally shine out. To do this when there is judgment etc feels a bit different but with that knowing of who we are when we are given the space to express freely, we have a marker to go from.
It’s very easy to see why we are all so exhausted when we are spending the time not sure moly being ourselves. Like you share it is in truth simple and freeing to live without all this complication.
Intimacy is yet another word that has been bastardised so we steer clear of it, except in socially acceptable conditions. Intimacy, a close connection with another person is what we all crave and is also what feeds the growth of a relationship. We have enough stagnant relationships in the world, so adding intimacy feels like a key ingredient. We just need to be brave and loving enough to let ourselves be seen.
When we don’t hide from ourselves, we are intimate with ourselves. It’s in our every movement. And this inspires another to open up as well.
‘And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?’ Spot on Bryony, the more transparent and open I am with others I notice how this offers others an opportunity to also express in a more honest and true way.
“When I stopped measuring, calibrating, holding back for fear of upsetting the other person or fearing being judged by them, the conversation just flowed.” I have no doubt there was an ease in your body as well. We have to work hard to be someone else because it is so unnatural! What tells us we are not amazing just for being ourselves???
“Intimacy! That little word, so loaded with ideas and expectations” and unfortunately leading humanity as far away as possible from the true meaning of the word – a close and honest connection with another. How wonderful that we are now coming to understand what intimacy truly is, that it starts with having an intimate relationship with us first and from there naturally flows on out to relationships with others.
Ingrid I love your description of what intimacy really is ” a close and honest connection with another” and look forward to the day that we’re truly intimate with all others.
There is a lightness and a pure innocence in how children relate with each other that blowns me away and at the same time makes me see the contrast in how we as adults learned to behave with each other to fit in. The good new is that we can bring back these qualities that we lost in our childhood today and everyday. Whatever our age is we hold within the same essence which is pure joy and playful. Who could resist to return to the deliciousness of who we really are after all?
It is true, little children are a constant reflection of intimacy till they too learn it is not safe because they get hurt. The more I read about this the more I see we have a simple but enormous responsibility to turn this pattern around and show children then can trust us.
This week I’ve received a visit from a friend. We didn’t see to each other for so long and at the same time I had the feeling that I was with her everyday. We enjoyed of being together and shared every moment with ease, lightness and deep appreciation for each other. I appreciate very much the transparency and honesty that she offered to me in our living together. I could learn a lot and make new decissions for my near future. Thanks to this relationship, which is alive and changes with us, I’m realizing about the potential that we can live with others equally. It’s more than possible to be real and intimate without fear and shame, a true joy indeed.
Bryony, this is really interesting; ‘In allowing myself to just be all of me with this friend, I got to feel how much I hold myself back and hide behind a mask of who I think I need to be to ‘fit in’ and be accepted.’ I can feel how there are friends of mine who I feel I can be my playful, silly and lovely self with and on reflection I can feel how I can be this way in all relationships, not just with those people that I feel safe with.
Beautifully expressed Bryony. You remind me that intimacy is as simple as being your true self.
Transparency does seem a key element to developing intimacy with another but is way more than just disclosing our deepest secrets. Perhaps transparency is more about living in such a way where we let another see who we are authentically without hiding behind our protective walls.
” hide behind a mask of who I think I need to be to ‘fit in’ and be accepted. And, how much I’ve been waiting for other people to validate who I am, or who I thought I should be. ” On reading this is it easy to see why peoples lives are so terrible and why the world is in such a mess. Thank you for sharing Bryony, and breaking the mould.
It seems so crazy that we wait for someone else to say we are ok or confirm us, and even when we wait for the conformation we only allow so much of ourselves to be seen, just in case we are rejected or ridiculed. I know I have done this for most of my life, playing it safe and holding back just in case I get hurt, and the sad thing is we both lose out because neither of us gets to feel the real me.
Words are very powerful and even feeling into the truth of the word transparency has a real ease about it. Transparency is a way of being and not a way of doing or configuring what we think we should, this therein is the key to intimacy.
We tend to be intimate only with people we trust but as we develop our self confidence we are less dependent on the good opinions of others and are able to be more open. As you say, Bryony, as we open up it gives others permission to open up too.
Yes, because others see and feel the ease in our bodies from not trying to be something we are not. This is unpeeling so many layers and patterns we can be unaware of. It is worth opening the door, jumping in, thrashing around a bit to ensure we have search every corner to see why and how we present a different version of ourselves to the world, so we can stand tall and at ease in who we are.
It is so seemingly normal for us to judge one another and yet judgement is not in our true nature at all. It is simply not natural to judge and comes from protection and security. These are all killers of any true intimacy and connection.
I love what you have explored here Bryony, it leads me to wonder what would my life be like if I let myself feel how much I love people?. And what if I let them see and feel all of me? It would be a big relief to stop trying so hard to hide what is so obviously underneath.
We spend our whole life craving for someone to treat us a certain way, we yearn for connection and to be embraced and let known we are loved. Yet as you beautifully show Bryony the joke is on us, for its we who are the ones who are treating ourselves rough, and it is our level of openness which determines how much we are willing to receive and truly ‘go there’. It’s all down to us not other people, they just reflect what we are choosing in our life today.
Taking the time to explore what the meaning of the word intimacy actually is exposes very quickly that what we have been lead to believe it is, isn’t anywhere near what it truly is. There is nothing sexual about it, as per the accepted meaning, but a most delicious feeling of connection at a very deep level, not just to others but to ourselves. We will then realise that to have true intimacy with another we need to build that same intimacy with ourselves first, and in doing so we may be very surprised and delighted at the depth of the new self-relationship that is being offered to us.
I’ve realised recently there’s a level of intimacy I’m comfortable with and then I can withdraw, but really what am I doing here, effectively i’m playing hold-out on the world, and on myself too; for all that trying to hide, that playing a role is exhausting so why not just be ourselves and be honest about any discomfort that may come with that and stay open – this is what I’m doing today.
“And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” – I have found this to be true on many occasions, when I have dared to share what is really going on for me, others have felt to do the same. And when someone truly allows themselves to be, I can feel myself dropping some layers of protection and doing the same as well.
If we limit the word intimacy to just being about sex then we miss out on it being a totally natural way of being with another, that can have nothing to do with sex but simply and joyfully be about a true openness and connection as you share…
Such a beautiful realisation; so much wisdom expressed. Thank you for the inspiration to consider how intimacy features in my life and relationships.
We spend so much energy trying to fit an deal or picture of how we think we should be, imagine how much more energy we would have if we just let ourselves be naturally who we are.
From what I have observed, it is one thing to crave intimacy and it is something else to accept it.
Being ourselves without any pictures of how that need be allows for this transparency, openness and connection with others. Beautiful.
Thank you Bryony, this was very inspiring and deeply touching to read again today. I feel since my last read I’ve made changes in myself by being more open and transparent by sharing the true me, and although I feel there is more to go, I have felt how joyful it is to just be myself. When I get caught up in hiding myself away I can feel how much I miss myself – it’s literally like a cloudy, overcast day everyday. We are the light that illuminates our own day and inspires others to reconnect and enjoy their own true selves again too.
I find that I still find it difficult to consistently stay open with others. When a hurt is triggered I will often shut down and want to protect and move away yet I know that this is not the answer and that it is for me to let go of this and deepen and let people in.
Get hurt, react, get hurt react, get hurt, react is what most of us currently do but we need to switch this up to ‘stay open, expand, stay open, expand, stay open, expand’. Devolution v’s evolution that’s it in a nutshell.
When I read these words: “that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.” I had an instant flashback to when I did exactly that, and not just once. I could still feel that suffocation of pretending to be someone that I was not just to please another. Ouch – it certainly hurt me in many ways. Breaking that mould is finally allowing me to stop hiding and present the beautiful woman I am to the world; no holding back anymore and definitely no more suffocating.
Its true, we often all crave that deeper level of intimacy with others yet will hold back and try and gauge how they will be with us and then based on that determine how much of ourselves we will share with them. When we have an experience where we allow ourselves to be ourselves in full we also inspire others to do the same.
All it takes is one person to be themselves to inspire all others to start to do the same.. a ripple effect of inspiration. It feels just so awesome when another person is just totally cool with who they are – no holding back, no hiding, no over-compensating or fake niceness… just bringing their all into everything they do – no more and no less.
I am finding the honesty from my expression with others has opened up a greater depth to conversations and what has unfolded has allowed a deeper understanding of people and their experiences. Transparency offers us a point of evolution that not only uncovers things about who we are, but also allows others to do the same. Relationships can teach us so much.
I am finding too that it is possible to have intimate relationships with women and this is deepening with my consistency to look at what is getting in the way. Sharing and connecting with women is bringing so much joy into my life.
I had hidden me most of my life which left my life very empty, I have been gradually finding the me, and accepting that being me is okay, now I am opening up to accept that the true me is absolutely beautiful and deeply caring with no perfection required this is the me I can intimately share with others.
We just need to trust that our love is immense and truly powerful and holds us rock solid when we choose it in full and not shy away from allowing it out for whatever reason, so that others know themselves back as that equally.
Thank you Bryony for a beautiful sharing on intimacy, through out my life I have come across people who have just been who they are warts and all and it felt so refreshing to talk with them, especially as I have hidden myself so much, by not wanting to rock the boat so to speak. I have slowly been opening up to share more deeply how I am feeling allowing more of the true loving me to be revealed, I feel the joy of just being me and sharing me with those I meet, which inspires another to open up also.
Intimacy is often associated with a sexual encounter, yet in this we have reduced the truth of intimacy, that we can share intimacy with anyone when we are willing to be open and transparent… as you beautifully describe Bryony.
Bryony, reading this exposes how crazy it is that we do try and change and ourselves for others rather than being our natural, true selves; ‘Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.’
What hurts is when we realise how amazing we are for the unique qualities that we bring, and how they were there all along – but we dismissed them or ignored them, in trying to shape ourselves into something else. Wanting to be like another, or a ‘better’ version of who we naturally are, happens when we don’t appreciate ourselves and what we bring.
Bryony the way you share what intimacy is, inspires me to be my whole self and share this with those I know and meet from now on!
Oh yes the world is expected to have a meltdown when we no longer hide being our true self, appreciate ourselves and keep being us, and what would happen is an inevitable deepening with ourselves, so there is more to share and offer.
So much effort is indeed used to hold back from being open to others in the mistaken belief that we will protect ourselves from being hurt by another.
This is such a timely blog for me Bryony. I’ve had the same conversations with myself over and over and have felt the ridiculousness of holding back. The truth is we all want to give and receive love and not holding back is the most loving thing we can do for all (note to self).
It does indeed take so much effort to be something that we are not and yet we spend so much time losing ourselves in roles.
I can only say… That’s it Bryony! That’s it.
‘What felt uncomfortable was the idea of opening myself up, being all of me, without hiding or holding back. Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.’
When I’ve read your blog, and specially this part, I’ve felt how much contracted I use to be in my life when relating with others. How much I calibrate and how exhausting this is for me. ‘Allowing myself to be seen’… This is such a revolution in my life, simply being transparent without effort… and even being able of enjoying it? I’m in the process of opening myself more and more, and just allowing myself to feel that, expands something within me and makes me feel that it’s possible to be ME without boundaries. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and reflections Bryony. They are pure inspiration and medicine for me now.
‘And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?’ Thank you Bryony. I love the simplicity of this and the inspiration we can bring to others when we are being ourselves.
Sadly most people in the world when interacting are do calculate, read, assess of measure themselves in some form to either be accepted by another, or avoid unpleasant reactions…. but rarely do we move in the knowing and solidness of expressing all of who we are without the need for hiding or lessening ourselves. It is gorgeous however that you have been able to choose this transparency and openness with another and not only experience this but reflect to others what is possible between us.
Hail the day that we all fling our arms wide and declare with our open bodies ‘here I am’, rather than what we currently communicate with our closed bodies which is ‘here I am not’.
I know what you mean, it really is a double life we lead most of the time, and for some of us in our actual homes! What a tragedy that is, to be so hurt that we are protected with those we actually love. It is such a false profit protection, it offers nothing of what it is intended for! The beauty of having experiences that you had is that it shows that there is another way to be with ourselves and others and it starts by simply letting people in and being simply yourself.
It simply starts with letting people in and being yourself.. so so simple. Thank you Vanessa for bringing it back to basics and showing how easy life and relationships can be when we’re prepared to be honest and transparent, and fully ourselves.
It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations. Yes indeed, and why is it that we feel we are not enough to just be ourselves and bring that naturalness to another? A young child has no trouble just being themselves and being impulsed by what they feel to do in the moment, unencumbered by judgement, criticism or comparison.
We can also hold another intimately with our eyes when standing with another, where we just let them in in full and don’t hold back our love. Your body then naturally comes from the grace and delicateness that you naturally are and this then is what you will move in next, if you do connect physically with the person. And if you do, it’s like this gorgeous dance of love with them.
I loved reading the realness of this blog Bryony. Some people we feel we have always known even it we have just met them. . . and with these people it is easy to open ourselves up and be completely transparent . Transparency, not holding back and presenting all that we are is true intimacy and needs to be practiced with these people first as most of us been in protection and have held back for so long it is great to have a starting point.
Great point Kathleen to start in the shallow end, building relationships that feel natural and where we feel we can be completely transparent and at ease, and taking that solidity and ease to all of our relationships. Life doesn’t have to be difficult and relationships don’t have to be complicated.. and we can make things so much easier and gentle for ourselves if we start with the basics: our relationship with ourself, first, letting go of judgment or expectations.
A beautiful sharing Bryony, what I get so clearly is us being us frees us and all others to be themselves, it’s the most amazing thing we can do for ourselves and for others, and it’s what we’re all here to be, ourselves, and to be ourselves we show who we are all of it, and let others feel that. Considering this if we hold back we are in fact deciding that others cannot handle it – how do we know this, and aren’t we being presumptuous here, and indeed deeply arrogant, as well as controlling. It all feels so complicated so why not make it simple and be us.
Intimacy is the opportunity to be all of who are without fear just the honest, real and raw truth of every expression made in any given moment. What unfolds thereafter is a choice to then reflect and connect in this intimate way and deepen the expansion forevermore.
I find the more love I am expressing and the more love is received, the more intimate it is – regardless of any physical contact.
“Intimacy! That little word, so loaded with ideas and expectations”, a word that with wonderful blogs like this I am beginning to finally understand. The long accepted connotations of intimacy being usually being about a sexual relationship are being slowly eroded confirmed by some incredibly intimate moments I have experienced with not only women that I know very well but some I have met only a few times. It feels like as if I am trusting myself so much more that now I feel open to peeling back the layers of separation that I had built for protection and allowing others to see all of me and that is beginning to feel such a normal thing to do.
The intimacy of being with someone who opens up and reveals their greatness is absolutely inspiring and nothing short of confirming.
Isn’t it amazing Bryony how we can hold conversations, hug others, speak the sweetest of words but all the time have barriers up with posters on them that say in big letters ‘keep out’. If we are honest about this we can then start to see how this feels in our body, and be inspired to try another way. For as you say it’s totally possible for us to meet others ‘naked’ – with clothes on of course, but total transparency and intimacy about our feelings and life.
I am finding that when I am deeply connected to myself and moving and expressing from here, my connections with women and men changes. The quality is warm, holding and honest leading to deeper conversations and a greater level of intimacy is reached. That is the true power of sacredness and it is found within all of us.
To open up, be all of you and let yourself be seen. This is definitely the way to go in relationships as I have found in the past and recently, when I allowed this with a very close family member after realising, this is all that is needed ever. I also realised that we can hold another in this natural and truly loving way but also not need to be a part of or pander to their needs or reactions, but instead, honour what we are choosing for ourselves in that moment.
It is so true that deep down we all crave intimacy- to allow ourselves to express openly with another and to enjoy this. I had reserved this just for intimate relationships and now having an intimate relationship just end I can feel a block come up with feeling like I have lost something and then not wanting this with others. There are a lot of pictures around how intimacy can be expressed.
Have we ever considered the possibility that the word “intimacy” or many other words for that matter, accepted with a certain definition in the world, do not actually convey the true meaning of the world, and because our hearts know what is truth, we can feel the limitation and falseness of what is expressed. And thus, to bring back what is truth in a world (why do we have to bring back one truth, because only when truth has one unified meaning will there be true unity and no separation, separation being a common scenario of our world today causing deep harm and suffering), simply we have to live the truth of what we know. Intimacy is the movement of knowing we are connected, beyond what is gender, time, space, our particles naturally feel to move towards each other, it is natural.
Beautiful and expansive description of the word intimacy. Intimacy as a movement of openness, transparency and expansion happens first within us and expands from there.
That’s so beautiful what you have written Bryony. And what a gorgeous reflection this movement makes.
‘If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives.’ This feeling of waisting is not unknown to me and regret of missed opportunities can be there too if I allow those thoughts in. Intimacy with ourselves has to be first with connecting to our body and then we can share this natural intimacy with others, being open and transparent.
Jane – what you share here resonates with me deeply. I have had my share of holding back my expression, coming to the realisation that all I am doing here is hurting myself and others by not sharing what is there to be said. It feels like a weight over my chest, a missed opportunity that then plays out in my mind over and over – the what if’s creep in. So this is a constant reminder for me to keep on speaking up and speaking truth.
I was just with a group of women online where we had a very honest and open sharing. Intimacy is also about calling out what is not true and being open to feel what we buy into and say that is not me and be supported in this process by another. Its very beautiful when we accept only who we are and not a version of ourselves that is much less and not true.
‘Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be’ – isn’t this the crux of the matter. Pretending to be someone we are not and not seeing the value in us just being ourselves.
I always wanted to have close girlfriends, and I would have said that I did and always have had great relationships with women. However, it is really only the past 5 or so years that I can say the intimacy and love in my friendships with women in my life have gone to another level. I can really feel just how open, loving and transparent they are, how enriching they are and definitely how supportive they are.
I know I have tried to cover up my perceived flaws or weaknesses to avoid being hurt. But when I am being me there is an acceptance of the fact that I am not perfect. I express imperfectly and this feels greater to share than to assume and believe that I can or have to present only a perfect picture/persona.
Expressing ourselves in all our imperfections is what inspires others to do the same. It’s so refreshing when we see someone so comfortable with being themselves.. no hiding, no measuring, just the a absolute knowing and owning of who they are. We know instantly when others aren’t being themselves and are trying to be perfect, but often we’re less comfortable with seeing that behaviour in ourselves. Perhaps this is because to see it means dropping it, as it stands out as a false cloak of protection.
When you connect to another in a truly intimate way, you feel the true essence of absolutely everyone on the planet and how precious and absolutely divine we all are.
How expansive the body feels as the protective barriers of hardness and perceived hurts are let down and we can let others in, to see us as we are, without hiding anything.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations”.
‘The way we expressed to each other was with grace and understanding…’ – Very beautiful Bryony and a true reflection of all that intimacy can be and is. Thank you.
True intimacy requires from us a complete transparency through which we allow another to truly see us in full – no hiding. In avoidance of this we seek physical intimacy without the transparency. An act whereby we allow ourselves to be naked with another but with no true unveiling of what we really have to offer. This is how we have come to confuse intimacy with sex. It is not that we cannot be intimate while making love, it is that we use sex to avoid intimacy, hence the increasing supply of the pornography industry to meet to our demand because even though deep down all we truly want is to be reunited with each other through the depth of our love, we are also putting the call out to avoid this.
It is weird, illogical and exhausting that we should even try to be anyone other than who we are because who we all are is truly gorgeous and awesome beyond words – and yet virtually everyone makes this effort to be someone else and yet again we all know what is real and what is not so are not really fooling anyone other than those who chose to be fooled and ourselves if that is what we chose. What strange creatures we are!
To be with a group of women in harmony together confirms the potential there is to be inspired and truly supported as opposed to being brought down and criticized.
Even being completely open and intimate with just one person supports us to take that foundation to other relationships we have and new people we meet.
Thank you Bryony , this is a big blog, with some big healing messages for us all. One of them is:
‘ If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives. ‘
So we must never calculate, measure or fit in any sort of story, way, thought, act or call – if that is not truly us.
~Hence we are left to feel that we are naturally an expression that is already born , just it needs to be totally let out!
No trying, simply being and letting this expression come all out – every day, more and more.
Thank you Danna, I really needed to read this today. The moment we allow in a thought that sounds like should do or ought to, it’s usually quickly followed by a callibration, a measuring, of our own behaviour against a standard we’ve introduced from the outside- and then we are less of ourselves.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” Very true Bryony – yet we can hesitate to show ourselves warts and all – for fear of rejection – well that can be me at times anyway. Learning to be open and share all of ourselves is the only way to true intimacy.
It is interesting: how many times have we been rejected for sharing us without hiding compared to being a character that does not truly honour us? What if we ‘used’ our relationships as a way to confirm the lesser and more contracted and restricted version of us? What if we turn this around? As this great blog reveals, it is not ony possible but a truly transformational experience.
I love your definition of intimacy – to open up, be all of you and let yourself be seen. This is something that most of us find quite scary. Yet I can relate to how exhausting it is not being yourself and leading the ‘double life’. It is important to feel what it’s like to be intimate and the ease of being like this, to start breaking the habit of holding back.
You’re so right Fiona, it is exhausting. And we might consider it scary initially but the depth of beauty we reconnect to within us when we let ourselves be really seen without any guard or protection cuts that fear down to smithereens. Because what we access is even greater love, and even greater again with each leap towards being fully transparent with our brothers – and that love can withstand anything.
Just a couple of hours ago I experienced something amazing. An opportunity to develop my relationship with another woman, a woman who for no good reason (ANY what so ever) I had dismissed as a liable source for evolution. However, after just spending half an hour speaking to her, I felt how amazing she is, and more importantly, how much she loves me despite the way I had been towards her. This only shows me how much she loves herself, and honestly, that is inspirational.
Thanks Bryony, great to read your blog again. You have made some important points including “allowing myself just to be me without holding back or measuring, was so easy, and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.” That’s exactly how it feels, there came a point where I realised that the holding back and hiding was more painful than the possible rejections.
It is exhausting being guarded and worrying about what others think of us, and having the constant self judgment. It makes no sense to live like this and is only harmful to ourselves and those around us, and yet many women do live like this.
We grow up measuring, every day around us we can feel how someone reacts to us and how we react to them…over time if we do not observe these reactions, we take them on and go to measuring as a way of combating being hurt…it does not work, it imprisons us.
We have used the word intimate in connection with sex and getting close to someone on a physical level and this has caused us to shy away from a word that offers us an opportunity to have a deeper and more loving connection with people we are close to. As I learn to be more transparent open and honest and not holding anything back, the easier it is to understand the word intimate and all that it offers.
Its really amazing how when we think we are being open and honest in our friendships, we feel we are being intimate, but we can actually still be very protected. Being intimate is being able to show who we are, warts and all, to be really transparent and letting people into our life and heart.
Great blog Bryony, I know what you mean about the word intimacy and all the connotations that come with it, I too can struggle with that word. Sometimes I have a battle in taking intimacy with my self to the next level, I can see I have a range of tactics to avoid it, which of course then impacts the way I interact.
When we do open up and drop our guards it is so worth it as that is when the magic happen.
I would have to say that without intimacy in our relationships we are just sitting on the surface and therefore miss out on the wonderful connections with others that help us all to grow.
Ah that is gorgeous! Quoting from your blog Bryony: ‘And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?’
It is a Yes to that question, as I have discovered, when I am being my truthful and full self there is much inspiration that others then feel to also be themselves and express themselves. Hence, we no longer have an excuse to not be ourselves.
“opening myself up, being all of me, without hiding or holding back. Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.” What a deeply beautiful and only true way to be in life with true intimacy with ourselves another and all others and this allows a freedom and joy of being all we are with an inner contentment and joy and no holding back , how amazing flowing and expansive !.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?”. I say yes – but didn’t always as my perception of intimacy was that it normally had sexual connotations. These days I know that I can have an intimate relationship with anyone; it all begins with making a deeply honest connection with them first.
I have notice that the more I open myself up the more others feel to connect to something within me and open themselves up. This exchange offers a true reflection of where we are and who we truly are.
A beautiful sharing Bryony. Like you, I have allowed certain people to see only a part of me and hold back in certain situations. In fact, I would go as far as saying, I hold back most of the time which actually leaves me drained and tired. It is only when I feel safe and trust someone totally that I allow myself to be seen. My excuse is that I am afraid of my own power, but how could I be afraid of something so magnificent as my own power?! Doesn’t make sense does it. I love how you shared an intimate moment with this woman, it just shows that when we allow ourselves to be open and share ourselves in full, something beautiful can happen, and it all starts with an intimate relationship with ourselves, and a deeper connection that we can go to that can be felt by all.
It is wonderful to feel how when we drop layers of protection, our openness can allow others in and there is a possibility of intimacy if there is no competition or comparison.
Love you blog Bryony I can feel the connection you shared and its very inspiring.
You really hit the nail on head when you say that truly being ourselves allows another to be all of themselves too. This I believe is the answer to world wide conflict.
True intimacy requires a level of transparency from us in the sense that we do not hold back showing the other person our All; the light and love that lives within. How very apt then is the bastardised version of this that we have all come to view as ‘intimacy’ in the form of nakedness and sex that we then use as a way to not get truly close to each other even though physically it would appear that we are. This is what life lived in illusion looks like – we have an innate truth and then we have the many misinterpretations of this that we wear as a false garment, even when naked, so as to hide our true self from the world.
Here we have an entire race of beings hiding our true selves from the world, what a game we are playing! It’s time to out this game is it not. My greatest role model is Serge Benhayon, he lives his life as his true self, 24/7, no compromises, no excuses and no days off from allowing his awesomeness to be seen and felt. Without this reflection the world would be even more lost than it is already, thank-you Serge and thank you Universal Medicine for sharing the truth of who we are, and even though most do not want to listen, it’s nevertheless there for all to hear if they choose.
Yes, Bryony when we allow ourselves to scrab the thoughts and beliefs we have chosen to fall for (whilst being lies) offers us space to feel who we are instead and make way for this incredible intimate woman and or man that we are.
“But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.” So true Bryony, we seek protection by doing the very thing that hurts us. If we choose to let go of our hurts and fears and truly open up to another we get to see the truth.
I am finding the intimacy and care I hold for myself has a monumental effect on how I am with others and when I am honest and open to learning about my relationship with myself amazing things start to unfold in all of my relationships with others. It marks a great step in how we see intimacy and really feel what it means to truly connect with people.
Yes, it’s amazing when we begin to realise just how our relationship with ourselves has an affect on every relationship around us, we don’t have to try to do anything, or be anyone, life just naturally unfolds before us. We cannot control or change another, we can only connect deeper with ourselves and then watch this space!!
When I stopped measuring, calibrating, holding back for fear of upsetting the other person or fearing being judged by them, the conversation just flowed. Yes, it’s amazing when we let go of all of that self stuff and just express how we are feeling, it gives others permission to let go also.
I Love how innocent and open it feels when I am actually truly intimate with another person, it always reminds me how I as a child and I how I see children are with people, Open, warm and appreciative, not measuring and second guessing.
When I stop and reflect on my own life and see how I am with all the different women that I know I can see there is a level of changing to suit the situation. No where near to what it used to be but I can definitely say that I am not consistently open and beautiful with all. This is a great reminder to keep working on being All of me in every moment.
What a gift to realise that we can easily be intimate with one another so simply, just by being our selves and honouring our sensitivity and tenderness. The more we come to accept and appreciate these qualities within us, the easier it becomes to share our selves with others.
We often go on and on about intimacy as if it is this scary thing, when really it is so simple and beautiful. All we need to do is stay connected with our body and express from our body and not from knowledge.
Every single one of us is choosing the quality of our relationships, which is based on the quality of relationship we have with ourself.
So simply, and beautifully put Vicky. There really is no need to look outside for answers, we have everything already right there inside our body. We just love to make things complicated by looking outside which is just avoiding the truth of who we truly are. All we ever need is a true relationship with ourselves, then we can truly share with another by reflection to them who THEY truly are and what they hold inside.
That’s true Sandra. Not only are we making things complicated, and therefore being identified by the drama of it all, but we are actually lying to ourselves. We do know how to live in a way that allows us to connect to the truth.
It is exhausting when we have to carry around our different masks and the different levels of protection depending on who we are talking to. But can we ever be less protected with one and not with another – the walls can seem to come down and go back up but really a wall is still a wall, keeping everyone away from seeing who we really are.
When we are open others have an invitation to be open too, giving us an opportunity for a real connection.
It’s amazing how you can feel completely intimate, open and loving with someone you’ve only just met, it really blows apart the concept of blood family and how long term relationships and friendships are more important – when every single encounter has the same potential.
I have met a few people through work, who I have had an immediate feeling that we have always known one another, and we naturally know what to say and what each one of us needs to take care of, and through this I have realised how much I hold back from others just because I don’t have the same feeling of intimacy, when I know it can naturally grow when we don’t hold back.
We use so much energy holding back our natural expression and then wonder why we are tired a lot of the time. Imagine how much vitality we would have if we were to simply let our self be and say it how it is.
Intimacy is so natural and what is natural is true to everyone and in every circumstance. Intimacy is simply a natural way we breathe and it cannot be held back. Pictures of what intimacy should look like is the biggest killer of us actually living intimacy, as intimacy in itself has no connotations of sex at all, it is just our particles feeling the natural universal pull of coming together.
I love this ‘if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives.’ So true and we will be waiting forever.
Intimacy, which means allowing someone close and into our hearts, completely without any reservation, unleashes something inside of us that is very powerful and that we keep down as we feel it is too dangerous to be seen like that.
I realise to this day a pattern I still continue to choose, but it’s days are numbered. I have a fear of women in authority. Realising what I deem authority is not in a truly loving way of being as a woman and I have now clearly understood the difference between a woman in her power and a woman wielding authority. Discerning this, feeling the difference I am free to claim my power in full lovingly and deepening my relationship to embrace the intimacy I feel.
I ask myself many times over, ‘what am I achieving by hiding?’, the answer always comes back with NOTHING, yet I have spent lifetimes doing just that. I have friends, men and women, but my level of intimacy with them is just surface level, pretty superficial really, so I guess that means that I am holding back being seen for fear of what (?) rejection, some imaginary hurt or old pattern that has long been long healed, or a lack of responsibility and a choice to remain comfortable, which when I think of it doesn’t feel comfortable at all, doesn’t make sense does it (!) because what I am doing is just rejecting myself and the power that I know I hold within, so the answer? To keep consistently deepen the level of intimacy I have with myself and opening up, trusting and letting people in, and that way I can then deepen my level of intimacy with everyone.
This is a beautiful sharing- I have always struggled in close relationships but am now finally letting go more and bringing more intimacy into my home and developing a closer connection with my housemate. It feels gorgeous to finally learn to open up with another.
We care so much that we will give you all of us. You may feel unfamiliar with so much care and love as this is not the normal way people are with each other, but hey, someone has got to start. We care so much that no matter what the reaction is we are still here, we are still in beholding, we are still expressing, and yup, there is also a sparkle and a smile if you care to notice.
This topic has come up a number of times recently talking with different people and we all agree, we do change with certain people, depending on the category that we have placed them into. I asked the question, why can’t we just be ourselves with everyone, it doesn’t really make sense and feels slightly biased or discriminatory, like we hold their relationship to us, over them, by being a certain way with them and not with another. Holding back our love because they don’t fit into the close friend or whatever box. It’s all because of our interpretation of intimacy and thinking it’s only for close couples, but when you truly feel intimacy with another, there is no feeling to have sex or be attracted to them at all. It’s just a very close and tender feeling that you hold them with equally, that sees them as so much more than the person. Very beautiful and we all want it.
I was having a conversation with someone recently about how people change depending on the environment they’re in/who they’re with and how this person had recently been studying this as part of her psychology course.. It strikes me that if this is taught as part of ‘being human’ in a psychology course then we are totally accepting it as the ‘norm’, and this really highlights that we accept much less of ourselves as a society than our potential strength and community.
The power of honesty amongst women is very clear to me now. It is so refreshing when we let go of our stuff and actually just enjoy the way we can be with each other, when we open our hearts and leave nothing that needs to be expressed, unspoken.
Gosh we all crave intimacy but what I observe is we often keep others at bay and don’t let them in for fear of not being accepted but this just keeps away what we truly want.
What i have begun to explore lately is how I categorise how much of myself I share with others and that I place people in sections of how much I allow them to see of myself. It’s been something I have never really considered and begs me to ask why we do this? How effortless it is to just let go and surrender to who we are in full and be that in all facets of our lives. The beauty in simplicity and enjoying the honesty in our connections is so very needed in society and all starts with us.
Beautiful blog Leigh. As I read what you express here I got the sense that most people have no idea who they really are. I would include myself in this too. Lately I have been wondering how many of my choices have really been true to me and how many things I have chosen to win favour with another. Ironically all I really want is connection and when I sell out to what I believe another wants or expects of me true connection becomes impossible.
Our mask, I would say pretty much all of have on, or had one at some point….it becomes normal to protect and defend and so we build a mask. Being open is for still a place I venture into, but incrementally…I am learning to go for it more and I can feel how unfamiliar and yet amazingly familiar it feels.
“What if the world has a meltdown at us finally being ourselves?” This made me laugh, as I realised that it might be me that has a meltdown if I truly live the truth that I am a Son of God.
Being intimate with someone starts with the intimacy I hold for myself first, this is something that I am learning everyday, and any holding back is also holding back on the love I can bring to another.
It is great to give ourselves a reminder of how difficult we can make our lives by holding back all of who we are, in the mistaken belief that we may upset someone or lose a friend by expressing the truth. Thank you Bryony.
Thinking about times where I’ve also experienced an instant connection with someone I’d never really met before, and reading about this experience here, tells me intimacy is possible with anyone. And that we do indeed decide who we will allow ourselves to be intimate with and how much of ourselves we will reveal and share with others – and how much we assess and judge other people in the course of deciding who to be ‘friends’ with. We are constantly calibrating – and yes, that is hard work.
We need to return to and operate from an ‘access all areas’ standpoint, we need to be living open invitations to step right in, come on board and have a look around and be ok with whatever is found. Ah the freedom in this way of living is sublime, it really is.
As I was reading this blog I could feel the discomfort and also the strong desire to be that open and vulnerable with another person. Somehow we have made it wrong or unsafe to expose ourselves fully and let another person see who we really are. I feel it’s a matter of letting go of control and just allowing ourselves to be.
It cant be a coincidence that the word intimacy has connotations that make us cringe or think it only applies to certain situations. It’s a bit like the word sexy, another word that in its true meaning is so natural and powerful. As you say, intimacy has come to mean something sexual, rather than a very gorgeous, open and sweet way of being with all people. Perhaps the reinterpretation and misuse of the word is part of why there is such a lack of true intimacy in the world.
When I am connected to me and feeling really supported by my own love, and move in the loveliness, the love that is there and the intimacy, just flow and feel natural. When I am not with myself, the relationship with the same person, is not the same, and it is very noticeable.
It is surprising how many times in a day I can hold myself back, waiting for others to make the choices I would like made towards me. I have been aware of this protection recently and made a choice to do something about it. I began with one person in my life where I had been feeling obvious impulses of love but instead of dismissing them I decided to carry them out. I can feel the subtle changes within me and the other person taking place and I am working on the consistency every day as some days it is easier to express than others.
It is so true Bryony, the thing we crave most… true intimacy (as opposed to the kind we associate with sexual partners) is the very thing we deny ourselves because we are unwilling to express fully and openly with everyone. When we do, it is often profound, deeply satisfying, moving and very expansive for all involved… food for the Soul, as the saying goes. It is great to bring into question what we have in the way that has us reserved, held back and introverted, when the result is so decidedly unsatisfying.
Great blog Bryony, we all crave to have intimacy in our lives, and the more natural we are with ourselves and others the easier it is to have an intimate relationship with anyone. When we try to hold something back, or control the situation the intimacy is lost.
When we measure ourselves – we measure everything.. Like you said we will life double lives, and so this will create further drama and pain.. Why would we hold back the power we got? Are we afraid of something big? As we know what we are measuring up to and so we know what we are holding in… We must also know why we are doing this. Interesting for each one of us to ponder on..
Beautiful insight into the true meaning of intimacy that allows us to freely express and share ourselves regardless of gender – and without ulterior motives or hidden agendas.
It is lovely to hear of your intimate connection with someone you have only met twice before. Letting people in is a sure way to allow the intimacy to blossom. I have a similar connection with someone who I have never met before. It was when I was connected with myself in a way that I was open to it, and it felt like I was falling in love, so I guess that means that in that moment, I had fallen in love with myself!
I’m so glad I wasn’t alone in feeling as you did–feeling like a different person in different situations. It wasn’t until I graduated college where I truly found myself and gained the confidence to be the same person everywhere…the true me. It feels so freeing now to just be myself without holding back. I also love how loaded of a word intimacy is, too. Everyone has a different definition of it but I agree with all that you said. I don’t think it has to have a sexual connotation at all. I think it’s really about the closeness of a relationship you share with someone, no matter who that person is. It is definitely interesting to think about. Thank you for your post! ❤
” Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?” Great question and great understanding shared here Bryony, its awesome to feel your joy at realising you don’t need permission to be yourself!
Great questions Bryony, simply because we have made this word ‘intimacy’ so loaded , it does not mean that the true meaning and need of expression of the true origin not needs to be expressed and lived. Good call, thank you for sharing your side of the story. In all ways we have either contributed to the loaded version (of expectations, beliefs and images) or the original meaning (fact that is).
The more we are ourselves the more highlighted the moments in life when we hide away become more apparent. After opening up more and exposing the next level of hiding to address it can feel like we’ve got backwards. But thats not the case but a chance to put that not holding back choice to a grander test. How deep can that choice to be open go? Thank You Bryony.
Yes I sometimes feel we are all playing this game of niceness and never really being ourselves, how exhausting! If I look at it like that it seems the only way is to be more and more myself so others can feel how that feels like again too.
Yes Lieke, niceness is definitely a common way we cover not being ourselves and yes a very exhausting way I agree… shutting down, checking out, being irritable, hard, busy, intellectual, emotional… are also other ways. None of those are true for us and all are exhausting to the body also. Vitality comes from expressing who we are in full, nothing held back, reserved or modified.
Yes I absolutely agree and have experienced myself many times all the other ways we use to hide how beautiful and sweet truly are. It is great to not see them as who we are: ‘just our character and the way it is’ what is so often done in society, but to see those ways for what they are: cover ups.
Yes understanding we have an essence and that it’s unchangeable and untainted is certainly not something we have grown up knowing… what a difference it will make when this is understood and seen more broadly amongst us. It makes me think of criminal activity and what we consider ‘bad behaviour’, it usually being synonymous with a ‘bad person’… rather than someone who has lost themselves and is then not being who they are, but something false. Still responsible for their actions and choices, but NOT those choices as who they are.
There is such joy in what you have shared Bryony in how intimacy is developing for you. Simple and true connection and being yourself, without living up to any expectations. It’s how we can deepen our own relationship with ourselves and care for ourselves more deeply by letting ourselves be seen.
Yesterday I was part of a group, where we stood opposite other people, and whilst saying nothing we just danced and moved our body gently. I did this with a male friend of mine who I know quite well and see regularly from time to time. In the moments that we danced there, I got to look into his eyes. Without agenda or role as a lover, just to gaze feel what beauty lay inside was profound. Amazingly neither of us, looked away, flinched or put up walls in any way. Then I could feel the simple beauty that is so possible between us all – men and men, women and women, or a mix none of this matters except for the connection and wonder that you are willing to let yourself sense and feel.
Just recently I have got to feel how sensitive and vulnerable I feel if I open up to someone and how I almost expect at some stage to be hurt. This then becomes the excuse as to why I don’t let myself go deeper and fully let go. The crazy thing is what have I got to loose, your blog today was a timely read today Bryony to accept my vulnerability and delicateness and allow myself to feel this.
Years ago at a weekend workshop, I was lying on the couch and had my head on my friends lap. She was stroking my hair. We were like that for sometime and were chatting with a few others also on the course. Later one of the men remarked that he wished men could do what we did – allow the intimacy of being with each other. It gave me a great insight into how limiting it is for men to be able to do that.
I love how the word “intimacy” is finally being given its true meaning, and blogs like yours Bryony are offering so many women and men the opportunity to come to this new understanding. So now with this new understanding why aren’t we open to being truly and equally intimate with everyone in our lives, for as you say “It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” It sure is, so is it possible that by allowing these intimate relationships to blossom, our lives will also blossom, as living one authentic life will be much less exhausting.
I may not be living it consistently at the moment but I am gently developing a way of being where I can share and express all of me without fear of being judged and when I do I feel so expansive in my body. There is so much joy that it is impossible to hide. We are incredibly powerful within and I am finding that it is the grandness within me is what I am really fearful of and the unwillingness to accept this right now so that I can live in the consistency of the knowing of who I am.
Thank you Bryony as I have recently discovered that the intimacy we hold with ourselves allows us to be intimate with others as it is a flow on affect from our own expression i.e how we move, how we dress and how we talk etc. Intimacy builds transparency which offers us all deeper and loving connections in all facets of our lives.
Yes agree, it absolutely does start with our relationship with ourselves and this is very lovely to feel.
I really appreciate how intimacy is referred to as a level of allowing ourselves and others to be, with no need to hide or protect ourselves. At times i think intimacy has been misinterpreted as needing to disclose or share everything or becoming caught up with another’s feelings or needs.
It’s interesting how the most powerful words have been misinterpreted to mean the opposite of what they truly mean. Intimacy is definitely one of those words. There is no self in true intimacy.
Yes agreed Jenny, intimacy is far more synonymous with being open and transparent as you say, than it is to do with ‘baring all’ to everyone. I used to think intimacy was telling all to my friends, sharing the details of my every last emotional reactions etc. I have discovered this is not true intimacy at all and no longer base my relationships on sharing in this way. That isn’t to say I won’t express what is going on for me, but to connect with another via this, is no longer something that I enjoy or feel as valuable.
Indeed Bryony – it starts with you!
Starting with an honest relationship and commitment to myself has turned around the relationship with all I meet. No longer am I putting myself under pressure to preform, be someone that is trying to be…. we all know that story! Now I find connections easy and that feeling of knowing is there, in the connection with people, in having the conversation flow, in being my true self, which in turn is building the intimacy within.
I love how you can meet someone for the first time and feel like you’ve known them forever, it really proves that no one relationship is more important than any other – we can be loving and intimate with anyone.
I absolutely appreciate and love the openness and intimacy that I have developed with women over the past few years since connecting more and more to myself and my expression as a woman. There is so much beauty and joy to share with each other, let alone the work to be done to tell the truth about the depth and power that is within each of us!
Gorgeous bernadetteglass, I too am appreciating how my relationships with women of all ages are changing and becoming increasingly open and intimate. My relationship with my daughter who is ten is sharing with me so openly and intimately and this is so beautiful and humbling to observe as I develop transparency in all areas of my life.
How intimate I can be with another can only come from how intimate I am willing to be with myself first, and this for me is an unfolding process where I can see areas where I am holding back from myself and my truth, but the willingness to go deeper is what holds me to stay with myself and live more what is true.
Being ourselves in full is like one big reflection of light and love, the power of this is infectious for everyone and it is very much needed too. Intimacy is the light and honesty that connects us all and sharing that with others is truly beautiful.
‘But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.’ to fit in or to hide is like choosing shoes which are not your size. I have done that a lot, it feels it all start with a loving relationship with yourself and your body. No tight shoes for me anymore, I walk my walk now.
And the interesting part is that we all try to squash ourselves into all the pictures and roles we have that we think we need to be. So what a relief and a blessing it is when we are given the space to simply be ourselves. It opens up a whole new playground to explore how it is to express freely without any rulebooks or lines to follow.
Is it possible that we all ‘know each other’ because we come from the one source and that what we believe separates us is our choices not to enquire, marvel at and celebrate what we have in common as opposed to our constructed differences? To stay separate we choose self and to invite oneness is a choice for unity with all.
When we choose to open up to others in intimacy, not forcing it upon ourselves or anyone else, but simply because of the love we feel within ourselves not being able to be held back, our whole world suddenly feels pretty natural in intimacy too! Of course there is no perfection and it does not mean every single person will respond intimately with us, but there is a deeper freedom and naturalness felt, that is unseen and unheard of when we close up ourselves. Reflections rock.
I can feel how this presents a different way to be with my housemate. I can feel we operate very separately with little connection and there is much more of ourselves to be shared and this is what I can bring. Instead of the functional person more of my true self.
“Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?”” So true Bryony this protected dance we play is ridiculous and exhausting when compared to the simplicity of true intimacy.
Beautiful Bryony. I have found the intimacy starts with our relationship with ourselves and it feels very natural then to share that intimacy with others.
This is truly beautiful Bryony and what we all miss in fact… intimacy with others. It can be expressed in such a variety of ways. We miss out when we are not open to this deeper connection with each other and with ourselves!
Thank you Bryony. What I’ve observed is that the more we accept ourselves the more others also accept us for who we are and it also allows others to just be themselves.
When we are open and honest with someone and intimate in the true sense of the word, we are able to uncover so much more, I have found all too often how I have been prepared to share so much less and except that as normal when there is so much more we can all share and explore together.
I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to hide behind different masks when in relationships. I’ve never learned that skill. To be so open and honest with who you are is often times scary and painful. You really risk being rejected or misunderstood. But nowadays, the risk of some sort of self-harm in rejecting parts of myself for others benefit is much too great.
There can be such a true intimacy between women, that is deeply powerful. When a friendship can continually evolve, feel like you are heard and continue developing. It can be one of the most delightful experiences. To bring honesty and truth always.
It is this transparency and surrender to the honesty of who we are that brings the magic of intimacy to the forefront of our connections. Thank you Bryony very beautiful.
‘But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.’ Great observation Bryony and one that is worthy of in depth pondering
I am learning just how powerful intimacy can be – by sharing yourself with another completely openly and honestly, you and the relationship grows and you get to develop a life long connection with someone far deeper than need or arrangements.
I have been learning a lot about intimacy, and about being able to surrender to the fact that it is so easy to fall completely in love with someone – not romantically or sexually, but simply as a friend, because you see and appreciate them for who they are and in turn you get to learn so much about yourself. I have so enjoyed the recent months where my relationships with my family and friends have been ever deepening and growing and I have been growing with them.
I love this Bryony! This line in particular stood out to me ” Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.” When I allowed myself to connect to what you shared here within myself I had the most beautiful settled feeling in my body. It’s a really great marker for me to note when I’m allowing myself to be fully me and therefore intimate (settled in my body) or hiding and holding back (unsettled feeling in my body).
We learn that certain situations require certain behaviours but as you describe here all we need is to learn or more so allow ourselves to stay with ourself without the need to ‘perform’ an life will become so much simpler, less complicated and exhausting.
True intimacy is being transparent with self and others. Being as real as you can be and not holding back you. Backing yourself in your realness and truth, supports others to do likewise.
Your words ‘To open ourselves up to another, to fully share ourselves with them and the world, feels a little terrifying. What if they reject us or hurt us? What if the world has a meltdown at us finally being ourselves?’ It is a little terrifying however the joy of being myself far outweighs the fear of being all I am, and in return we are offered the openness of another which is truly beautiful.
To see and be seen that’s the ticket to life because if it’s not then the alternative is to be blinkered to both ourselves and to others, which is our current modus operandi.
. To be open to expressing all of me and trusting that I am safe to be seen in my true full expression is am forever evolving process as I deepen my connection with myself.
Ultimately it does not work when we compartmentalize our lives, trying to live love with one or two people and not with others does not allow us to live love in full.
This is a beautiful bog to read. true intimacy is something I am working on I know I still measure and calculate home much of me I share with pretty much everyone. Through learning to deepen my connection with myself and trust myself I naturally open up to humanity.
Bryony your words remind me that intimacy is about being transparent and totally open to be exactly who we are in all relationships we hold. This is the sure fire way for true intimacy. Thank you.
Intimacy is so natural. When we meet someone we can easily connect to it is hard to hold back. However, I find I can hold back with people for whom this does not immediately happen. I realise that it is my holding back that limits the intimacy. It’s my way of saying ‘you first’ or ‘I will if you will’. People who are open and themselves invite the same in others.
I smiled as I read your words ‘It felt strange to even think that I might even consider myself as intimate with someone who wasn’t my partner and for whom I had no sexual feelings, without it feeling at best, totally weird, or at the very least, a little bit ‘mushy’ and gross.’ I loved this because it really shows how we have changed the true meaning of words when intimacy is for everyone, and is part of a normal relationship be it family, friends or work colleagues we can still be intimate with each other without any sexualising of the word as it has become known today.
How can we be truly intimate with others if we are not willing to be who we are and not hold any of it back? That is a great question, surely it’s worth just giving life everything and seeing what happens?
We hold ourselves back for various reasons, fear of being ridiculed, not accepted, judged and so on, yet can still get all of ‘this’ when we do hold back, it is all a big exhausting trap, ‘If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives.’
I find this a little confronting still to really let down all guards and to be close and intimate with people. It is something I want but can still feel there is something I hold that stops me from fully going to this.
Its great to redefine intimacy as there is so much in the media and in society itself that tells us that intimacy is only possible or otherwise appropriate with mothers and babies or lovers. Sometimes I have found myself in an intimate situation and have not known how to express myself in that moment . This is mainly the fear of what might come next. Being more firmly and lovingly present in my body in each moment allows me to feel safe and take one little step at a time.
When we open ourselves up without holding back and are prepared for another to see all of us, we can feel very vulnerable at the time. I have found when I do allow myself to be open a whole new world opens up and I now know what true intimacy feels like.
Thank you for writing this Bryony, it is a beautiful piece of the truth of intimacy and what we do to avoid it, which is only keeping us from the power that we know we are. Showing all of us is deeply precious, and in this preciousness there is true strength.
This blog is a great inspiration as it allowed me to reflect on my relationships and the quality that I would like in them.
This blog is so inspiring Bryony… re-reading it again I can feel how many masks we all wear in an attempt to fit in – but what are we fitting into? A way of living no-one truly wants yet we feel we have to mould ourselves into a certain fit, when what everyone truly craves is to be themselves – open, honest and loving … a way of living that has no particular fit – it just is!
It has only been in the last few years I have discovered that intimacy is nothing to do with being physically or sexually close to another. Being intimate, and allowing me to see and feel me, for myself has been a starting point and this I am learning so I can develop this way and quality with others more consistently. Thank you for the inspiration, Bryony and how living in this way is worth it 🙂
Not only is it possible to deepen the levels of intimacy we have with women when we spend time together, but I am realising more and more the power that we hold, not only does this support each other to evolve and grow but also it supports and holds others to grow also, what a stupendous opportunity it can be, when fully embraced, to go out there in the world and support others around us, it gives a whole new meaning to the word unity.
“……..how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?” This is a great and very pertinant question Bryony. Deeply accepting and appreciating ourselves is the starting point for being who we truly are, and only when this is lived consistently it is then possible to share all of us with every person we come into contact with. And when we live in this way, it is amazing what opportunities open up before us!
I feel we sometimes fear the unknown and letting down the walls of protection because we have this image of what it will look like when we are ourselves. Whether its an image of reactions from others or rejection, but what if none of these scenario’s even appear? The world is ready and waiting for us to open up and share who we are without reservations and the absolute joy and connections that will come our way will be amazing. True intimacy will make the world swoon.
Isn’t it crazy, how we think the world will come crashing around our ears if we express how we feel, be our true selves. Well I did not express for many years – and what an absolute revelation it was when I did start to express, that in fact the world opened up before me!
“wow – imagine if I could be this way with everyone!” And then, “why aren’t I being this way with everyone, when it’s so straightforward and fun?” – how true is this Bryony ha ha, i completely love and treasure the close relationship i have with someone, and in the past wouldn’t really even entertain it with a work colleague let alone stranger/someone i hardly knew so closely and so open/intimate…. because i was so far away from myself, so far away from understanding who i was and enjoying that. When i began reversing this, my openness gave way to trust, and much more intimate relationships with all people.
It can feel really difficult to change this old pattern of protection, if we’re holding on to an image of ourselves. But the more we connect to how our body feels in different situations -which interactions leave us feeling expanded, and which hardened or contracted – the more that supports us to start to turn things around, to trust what we feel and to open up: firstly to ourselves, being honest about what we can feel, and then with others.
This is a great blog Bryony, and I am sure so many will relate with what you share, and how awesome that you embraced the true you, ‘allowing myself just to be me without holding back or measuring, was so easy, and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.’
This is crazy but true, how many of us hold back, play it small from fear of the consequences of being in our fullness, our power and amazingness, when there is no time to indulge in this, the world needs us now. ‘If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives.’
I have had seemingly random intimate connections (and I don’t mean the sexual kind) with people I don’t know, and it feels like I have fallen in love with them, man or woman. I realise that this is because I am connected and open to more of me, and in fact, fallen in love with myself thus can’t help falling in love with everyone.
It’s very true Bryony how exposing it can feel to be completely open with people when we aren’t used to it. We can have images of how we want to present ourselves to others, which bits we want seen and which parts we like to hide. Being intimate with other women is not something I was used to a few years ago, I would save the truth of all of me for a very specially chosen couple of friends who I could felt I could trust. Being more trusting, open and intimate shows us we are all human, all make mistakes, but all come from love, and it feels yummy.
If intimacy means being seen for all of who you are, then sure, yeah, I can understand why we spend so much energy and time avoiding it. Because let’s face it, a lot of life today is geared towards the image of who we are, and not the truth of who we are. So, although we may crave intimacy, to be seen for our true selves, at the same time it could feel scary, because after all that investment in the image of how we would like to be seen, to actually be seen as imperfect and far more real than that image could ever be, is uncomfortable, and challenging. Hugely worth it though.
Intimacy is beautiful , and something we can share with everyone – not just those we know well. When we connect deeply inside and bring that out, every interaction we have naturally comes from a foundation of intimacy. And you can have the most amazing conversations and connections with complete strangers.
It would seem we go to many places with even the word ‘intimacy’ let alone the living action of it. I respect that at least we have something introducing us to a possibility that there is something else, another layer or two to a word and feeling that appears to have been long since forgotten. For some reason from my experience men seem to have less baggage around ‘intimacy’. I know you may think I am a man and of course I would say that but it equally could be possible when you think that, what I said maybe asking you to be more ‘intimate’?
‘The way we expressed to each other was with grace and understanding – like a sort of dance, just sharing whatever was there to be felt and said.’ When there is this intimacy, the body is in perfect harmony and no energy is wasted.
Intimacy like so many other words such as religion are so loaded with ideals and beliefs that can cause us to avoid it. Especially when we have been hurt or rejected in relationships.
Indeed intimacy and connection with another is all we crave and yet we often either approach connection wanting some need met or are wary of connection that another will impose a need or demand on us.
I love how you share your intimate relationship like a sort of dance. I have felt this too in relationships. When I am being intimate with another, there is a beautiful flow to our movements. For example when we cook together, the way we move around the kitchen together further deepens the intimacy we are sharing.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” Indeed it is and yet we can possibly only experience this when there is no judgment but acceptance from others of who we are and the choices we are making. One of the greatest things we can offer another is to allow them to just be.
Since becoming aware of this feeling Bryony, I love the intimacy we can openly express with each other when even passing briefly. It’s a deep connection where a look passing by with a twinkle in the eye shows a knowing that intimacy is there. It is developing in me to open myself up more and hold it with everyone I meet as I build my own self love within.
It is entirely possible to make that amazing connection with a complete stranger (if ever there was such a thing!) when we have that connection to ourselves. For me, it feels like a kind of recognition, a feeling of deep intimacy with another, a trusting that everything is okay. Imagine a world where everyone was connecting to each other in this way, how beautiful would that be.
Letting people in, sharing intimacy has been a great learning for me, it wasn’t always something i found easy. But the ease that now comes with people and relationships all relates back to how I have allowed myself to feel that depth of love within myself.
Intimacy holds so many connotations yet it is surely a word we can reclaim because this intimacy is something we have missed having. Perhaps if we truly shared our true selves without fear, there would be less need for excitement in relationships and far more steadiness. Being myself all the time, with no need to calibrate and no need for best behaviour sounds lovely.
I do love this blog also, I know I calculate and measure how I am with different people but for me it’s not something I consciously can control. Some people I can naturally be myself with and others I can’t, but it’s not something I choose and if I try, it just doesn’t happen and the trying makes me feel weird and false. I do long for the day that I can be just me with everyone no matter what the response is.
“And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” Absolutely great question, from my expereince as i have began to be myself and express in full, I have inspired so many people to do the same, from family to friends, at work and general public. So it does work we reflect to others, so we can inspire them.
“Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?”” Great question, we don’t need to wait, we just need to be, how another reacts is their choice. As long as we express in love and truth that all that maters. I know I use to get caught like that constantly hiding and measuring to see if I could fit in, but I was never happy always on the edge.
The fact that we ever developed different versions of ourselves is a testament to how much we have chosen to dismiss our own worth. As a woman I am learning to trust who I am and appreciate my expression much more.
And I might add that intimacy is not something that can be faked or pretended. It is like it has to start with yourself first and that you can only allow the same level of intimacy with another as you can with yourself. So the more honest and open you are with yourself and the more intimacy you allow in your own life with yourself (checking in one how you feel, how something felt/feels, being tender and delicate with yourself etc) then the more you can bring to all those around you. And of course we also get inspired to deeper depths of intimacy through others that have developed a deeper relationship with themselves and honour this deeply.
Intimacy is often understood as being associated with sex or sexuality, and so when we talk about intimacy with many people it implies being loose sexually. But what you have shared here Bryony is that intimacy is more to do with being open and raw and vulnerable with another, showing your true colours so to speak. Intimacy is actually a really beautiful thing to share with everyone and reminds us all that it is ok to drop the protection and allow ourselves to be seen.
I love this blog, thank you Bryony! Great to show how intimacy isn’t confined to something we can only have with one other person, or that it’s always about sex, and that instead it is actually a natural connection we can have in all our relationships.
“But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.” This is so true Bryony. I am more and more realising that it never were the people around me who were capping me, but it has been me who has put kind guidelines for myself of how to be in different situations. So interesting, I even had a sort of guideline for being myself, which I am realising now is still far from who I naturally am. Letting these guidelines/rules just drop and burst out and be myself is a great experience.
I love this blog. I am choosing to be more and more myself and find it is such a delicious feeling to just express how I am with myself and with people close to me with everyone. Your words: “The way we expressed to each other was with grace and understanding – like a sort of dance, just sharing whatever was there to be felt and said.” are very beautiful and I can imagine the dance of expression when you are both being yourself. Something I look forward to doing.
Allowing ourselves to be just as we are creates a beautiful space for intimacy to bloom and when we do this it sets the world on fire.
A very big part of opening ourselves up to others is being seen by them, in full, with us not holding back. That can lead to a fierce reaction but it is so much worth it.
The word intimacy is so loaded. For many it just denotes the sexual connection between two people. But when there is a deep connection between two ( in a non-sexual relationship ) people, there is a depth of intimacy that can be felt. Being open and vulnerable enables true understanding.
Having a conversation with a dear friend is something that I value with great respect. When someone knows that they can tell me the truth, that they can be super honest with me and call out what they see in my behaviours and choices, it is like pure gold. And this to me is intimacy – knowing that someone can see all of you, the great and the not so great parts, and without judgement talk with you about what they see with no intention to cause you any harm, just to support you to evolve yourself. How beautiful a relationship that is, and as well lived by many people, does not have to be exclusive to those who you know well. This kind of unimposing intimacy can be with anyone, because it only takes one person to be unguarded for the whole conversation to be open and evolutionary.
“If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, ….. then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives.” How common is that? Finding Serge Benhayon and all that he presents through Universal Medicine and the Ageless Wisdom has been a Godsend and an empowerment for myself and for so many people I know who are now no longer holding back and are not wasting their lives.
True intimacy confirms everything we are.
Whereas protection and avoiding transparency confirms everything we are not.
‘It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.’
It makes sense that we have a sense of emptiness, and missing ourselves when we constantly dipping in and out of who we are – and never really spending time exploring the endless depths within.
Intimacy is another word that has been twisted to mean something completely different than it’s true meaning. Mention the word intimacy and people think sex. But intimacy and sex are poles apart and what I’m discovering is that I can be intimate with anyone, and it feels different with different people and there is not one ounce of sex or anything remotely close to being sexual. It is a closeness and openness I feel when I’m with someone.
I shared a lovely intimate conversation with my mum this week where she expressed something to me that she has been holding onto. I just listened and heard what she said with no reaction which allowed her to go deeper into expressing what she needed to. It was so lovely and it made me see that the more surrendered I am, the more open someone else can be with me. It was really beautiful.
It is so true that we can place so much pressure on ourselves to get it right with another rather than allowing ourselves to be and what arises between us to naturally open.
It is interesting that we do indeed crave intimacy with others but have such fixed views on how that might look or be safe enough so as to not get hurt.
If we all lived with true intimacy and all the understanding and holding that this brings, there would simply be no wars, conflicts or major dramas. None of these are possible if we are being truly intimate with everyone
I have been developing a deep intimacy with my flatmate who is another woman. I am finding that the more we go there with our intimacy with each other then this naturally then extends to being intimate with others. As allow for intimacy between us we know it is not just for us, but for all of those that we come into contact with. It is a deeply beautiful experience and has set a marker for the level of depth that is possible with everyone and how it can keep going deeper the more there is the wilingness to let each other in.
It’s great to hold the microscope over intimacy, this is also something Sara Williams presented at the last Women in Livingness group in London. Which was awesome .. and exposing as I thought I had a far better understanding of intimacy than I had previously, where like you, related this most to sex. What I could feel though was my complete lack of intimacy with intimacy! It was a bit of a shock moment as well as continual work in progress, thank you for writing your blog which has given me a gentle reminder. It is beautifull to hear how there were no barriers and a willingness to let each other in with your friend.
And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too? My experience is that this is exactly true Bryony, as when I have just come to another, holding myself and feeling very comfortable in my own skin, they can just be themselves also, because there is nothing in between you that asks them to be more than they are.
As Emerson once wrote in an essay on love, “thus we are put in training for a love which knows not sex, nor person, nor partiality, but which seeks virtue and wisdom everywhere, to the end of increasing virtue and wisdom.”
‘And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?’ This is a great ‘what if’ that can inspire us to keep shedding the layers that interfere with simple, wholesome and unguarded connection with others.
“Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?”- Yes, this is a good question. It is exhausting and draining on the body, choosing to hold back incase there is a reaction or rejection.
There is no reflection of truth in expression.
Recently I went to an expression workshop with Chris James and felt the awesome power, spaciousness and freedom in my body by speaking from truth ,and deep intimacy that can be had between us all if we choose too. It was very liberating and joyous to be all of me, whilst singing as a group and speaking.
This is such a beautiful sharing. When we are able to be ourselves with another without protection beautiful connections can evolve. I know I am often crippled by my own insecurity – the dipping a toe into the friendship and tentatively saying – is this ok? Please don’t reject me!!! This is exhausting to be and to be around.
What I’m so fortunate to observe is so many gorgeous reflections of women who are being themselves and all are uniquely different, with difference expressions, dress sense etc. yet all of the same quality. So I’m getting that it’s ok to be me and of course I’m not going to be like another because we are all unique and it’s a joy to embrace that.
Learning to be intimate with myself is allowing me to be more intimate with others and as a result my relationships are becoming more honest, anxiety is almost non existant and there is an ease to the way I am able to communicate with others that wasn’t there before.
This is so true Bryony and a very very important question to ask and deeply ponder upon: “Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?”
If we hold out on our commitment to truly loving others, then the world is lost… lost in the endless conflicts that have plagued humanity since time immemorial. It takes a deep willingness to remain open in one’s heart to another, even when apparent hurtful actions may come our way. Yet this is our only true way forward, if we are to return to the great love from which we come, which in the enormity yet naturalness of its Grace, holds all in the deepest understanding.
Abuse is always said ‘no’ to, yet we still have the capacity to hold others in love, always. I am inspired in this no end – the ‘real deal’ of what love is – by Serge Benhayon and the way he lives and conducts his every day.
I also deeply appreciate, Bryony, how you’ve described the ‘immediacy’ of the intimate connection with your friend, like someone you’d known “for lifetimes”. I have had this experience in my life also, and been similarly blown out in a way, over just how familiar and true such a relationship can feel (from the outset of meeting someone supposedly ‘for the first time’…).
It is the deepest blessing to know this deep and true sense of being with another – that there is nothing that each other triggers in the other, not the slightest sense or need of protection, and a completeness of acceptance and understanding that does feel rare in this world. To be held in such love is grand.
These are connections to treasure, for what they show is possible for us all, as we heal ourselves from hurts and wounds of the past, and are willing to be open and committed to bringing such a depth of relationship to others in our lives.
And there is no denying it when it happens – that immediate connection when you meet someone. Then if I can set aside all the social niceties and norms that interfere with that, there is simply the gorgeousness of true relationship and intimacy to explore.
Your delicate blog contains the deepest truth Bryony – all over every word… “what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” Is that not what we’re all craving? To fully be who we are, and be embraced for all that we are? Such moments and relationships of intimate connection as you’ve described offer us a marker – a reference for what is actually and naturally there within us, to offer in our relationships with everyone.
A marker to be celebrated deeply and taken for the great learning and love it offers us.
And what’s fascinating to feel is that in some ways we can never be ‘fully who we are’ because we are expansion and so there is no end point to us, when we return to the truth of who we all are then we are in a state of expansion and therefore ever changing.
There is nothing more rewarding when you find someone you can be all of you. Cherish every moment ❣
These moments of intimacy with ourselves and then with others are magical for they give us a foundation on which to build all our relationships.
I get to realize how often I am not myself and caught in ideals and beliefs. To let go of this, allow appreciation of myself and others support me to be more intimate.
True intimacy is allowing ourselves to see and be seen by others. It is the letting down of the walls of protection we have built and whole heartedly allowing that which is within, our love and our light, to stream forth uninhibited so that the other sees who we truly are and in this seeing knows the Universe and thus God.
Bryony your words ‘Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?’ This really made me stop and feel deeply into my own relationships and still uncover how measured they can be.
Intimacy for me is the ability to love and be loved fully.
Moulding myself into situations and holding back who I am has been a theme too Bryony. It is great to explore words such as intimacy and connect them to our everyday interactions. I have learnt you can create intimacy with anyone, it is much more in how you are with another person, not that you have to know them well, that is a step up from what we have created as intimacy, which until recently was always about sex and close partners. But eye contact, openness and honesty are all movements towards intimacy. I feel like intimacy is just about how many of those moves we are willing to make, how many steps towards an intimate experience we are willing to take.
Bryony, this is simply gorgeous. Reading your words on how simple it is to just be ourselves, or true to ourselves, makes it sound so…. simple. It is crazy isn’t it that many of us go through our entire lives (or lifetimes) wanting to hide and avoid the thing we crave the most, intimacy with others. My experience is that the level of intimacy we can have with others is based on the quality of the connection we have with ourselves, and we can deepen this to the point that we can then be truly intimate with anyone, either in passing on the street, or with close friends, family or colleagues, because true intimacy just means to connect with someone’s eyes, let them in, and allow them to see the real you behind the façade. I have lived behind this façade for a very long time and allowing myself to be seen can sometimes feel a little confronting, but in doing so supports others to ‘come out of their shell’ too, which feels lovely.
Reading this, I kept finding myself coming back to my own relationship with myself. Am I intimate with myself? Am I really embracing and appreciating myself as a woman? If so, what is it that then I relate to as my true essence as a woman? And am I allowing that to be expressed and felt – first with myself? With these questions, I can see how there have been some scattered, almost patchy glimpses of that, and they are calling me back inwards to be connected more deeply.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” – I agree, Bryony – and I see all the complexities of tricks and games we play with ourselves and each other to avoid the hurt of what if not being met. It really is amazing to realise and feel that we actually all want the same.
I have just shared an amazing 40 minutes with another woman where we sat and shared intimately together about our lives in a way neither of us would have done a while back. It was a very lovely experience being to open and honest with each other and very healing for both too.
Bryony, I love how you write with such openness and honesty. It feels that you are writing as the Real You, and all of it is deeply inspiring.
When I came to the line ‘What if the world has a meltdown at us finally being ourselves?’, I laughed and felt such joy. Without ever using these exact words, I’ve often held back from being my true self with others out of fear of what may happen as a result. A meltdown really?? Well… maybe…, and if that were actually to happen, a meltdown of the walls of protection from each other is exactly what’s needed!
It just now seems so ridiculous to hold back with the excuse of what may happen, when in truth we all want nothing less than true love, true harmony, true expression.
Great questions Bryony and thanks for sharing your revealations with this very intimate subject that we tend to dance around and not want to go to. It doesn’t make any sense what so ever as to why we would reduce our awesomeness for different situations and people. When we start to address our need for recognition and acceptance then we have the space to feel and be ALL of Who we Are.
Recently I have experienced beautiful moments with other women that I am now allowing. The tenderness and the intimacy that is naturally there when we let go of the protection is exquisite. It is something I would have felt uncomfortable with before, but I am now feeling that it is the most natural thing in the world. Why would we not allow ourselves to be close to each other? It is loving, it is supportive, and it is a natural expression of the love that we can feel. After all, is this not what we all crave?
I loved reading your article Bryony, one I can relate to very well, I have hidden all my life in a little box called “good and right” with no room to breath the real me. I have always found it refreshing when I meet people who just are who they are, no excuses, recently I have had the feeling of wanting to be seen for who I am and that, that is ok and I am ok being me . “But it’s also our only true way of being in the world and in relationships, and really what the other person wants us to be, too: our true selves, honest and real, warts and all. No hiding.”
“But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into”. I loved this Bryony. We focus so much on other people’s reactions and twist ourselves inside out trying to avoid them. Yet when I connect with my true self, the only pain that comes up is that I have turned my back on myself and how much I miss being me.
Bryony, I absolutely loved this, the whole thing. “But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” how convenient that we have made it something between a select few – to keep us from not living the natural love that we are with another.
“And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” A great question to ponder if we want to experience truly intimate relationships….and are we ready to fully share ourselves in order for the intimacy to develop and deepen?
I can totally relate your comment here Bryony about measuring or calibrating myself according to what I believe others will find most palatable. It is exhausting to live this way in constant protection. Allowing ourselves to be fully seen for who we are is very liberating and a much less exhausting and anxious way to live.
Intimacy for me also has been a word that has come loaded with so many images and ideas of being only physical or sexual or only reserved for one person in my life. It seems the word has been re-interpreted and changed in its meaning for intimacy really is as normal as talking or connecting with people and is something that I know we all crave deeply and yet by loading it with so many false pictures we starve ourselves of it.
By waiting for permission or clues from others as to how we ‘should’ be with them, our body is constantly feeling our rejection of self. It is getting the message that we do not accept who we are, as we are right now. Apart from being harmful to our body and being, this is just crazy. There is nothing more settling than being with someone who isn’t trying to be anything at all, and deeply accepts who they are. This actually gives us permission to drop our façade and be who we are.
Just reading your blog I realised what an illusion it is to think that we can hide away our true selves with others and then let it out in full when we are home ‘safe’ by ourselves. I can feel how a lifetime of doing this yo-yo behaviour has left me with a far more shallow, unaware and unaccepting relationship with myself than I know could be available to me. I can feel the harm of compartmentalising my life and not honouring myself in all situations.
“I got to feel how much I hold myself back and hide behind a mask of who I think I need to be to ‘fit in’ and be accepted. And, how much I’ve been waiting for other people to validate who I am, or who I thought I should be”. I can really relate to this. This mask used to be invisible to me as it was just my normal way of being when I was with people. I am at the stage now where I can be talking, thinking or behaving in a way where I can observe this and see how crazy it is but sometimes unable to stop it. This feels like part of the process of letting go of this long held way of being and I welcome the greater genuineness and authenticity I can feel coming.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations”. I have learnt the hard way that it is totally exhausting being a chameleon. As a child I completely lost my knowing of who I was, as I was whatever people needed me to be. My sense of self is much steadier and stronger now through my connection to my body and divinity. When I let myself just be, it does feel so easy to let out the vastness of what is there being held in.
The moment we decide to play a role, we are instantly not who we are and have to get that new way of being from somewhere. This can only ever be a simulation of who we are and is therefore less.
Byrony I love how you’ve spotted how intimacy has been used as a word, or even code, for physical touch in a sexual way when actually it’s way more than this. That love and connection can be expressed through physical touch but it’s expressed in all aspects of one’s expression. This reduction that intimacy is reduced to meaning physical touch, not even just sexual touch, means we miss out on being intimate with everyone we meet. It’s a word we can reclaim from this corruption – I know I still cringe a little when using the word so I’m working on letting that go.
Byrony you’ve made intimacy so simple and so accessible – it’s so beautiful to be intimate because it’s an allowing of ourselves to simply be ourselves and share this with everyone we meet.
I’m learning to be intimate with myself – i.e. get to be myself with me. Never mind anyone else that I’m trying to be a certain way with, I’ve tried to be a certain way with myself and when I didn’t accept myself I abandoned myself. But I still wanted intimacy, I still craved being met so I went to substitutes like TV, work, food, etc. Now I’m giving myself permission to get to know myself, I’m bringing greater understanding as to why I do what I do, choose what I choose when I know it’s not choices that support me. I’m only just beginning to discover there is way more to me, to us all than I’ve ever let myself feel before.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” I can so relate to this Bryony. I used to have different friends for different things I did in my life….what a crazy idea that was. I would then get anxious about them all meeting each other and whether or not they would get on. What I realise now is that in order to have those different friendships, I was having to change who I was in order to get along with them. There is absolutely no chance of having an intimate relationship with anybody let alone yourself if life is lived in this way. Thankfully I no longer do this and live my life being who I am rather than living it to please others. And the more I build an intimate relationship with myself, the deeper my relationships with others become.
This makes total sense, pouring ourself in a self created mold, one that actually doesn’t perfectly fit, but causes us to be small and hold back our gorgeous light. It is devastating to constantly be controlling ourselves, and can be truly freeing when we discover we just can be ourselves anywhere in any way.
You have taken me to another level of understanding how much of a ‘no brainer’ it is that if we dont allow ourselves to develop a deeply intimate, honest and loving relationship with ourselves first there is no possibility of truly developing that with any one else.
Generally speaking, most people think that intimacy only relates to sex. I certainly did before I heard Serge Benhayon present the true meaning of intimacy. The said truth is that almost everyone lacks true intimacy in their relationships whether it be couples, friends, family, fellow workers, associates, community, etc. and yet it is the one thing, this close connection, that is the key ingredient held in LOVE.
I love how the answer is held within your question Bryony ““But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?”
Your last sentence sums it all up Bryony, when we just be ourselves we allow all others to be themselves. I love the simplicity!
Such was my craving for connection with others, I absorbed everything, because first I did not have a connection with myself. The most important relationship is how we are with ourselves, if we are loving and honest with ourselves, this is how we will be with all others.
If we are only sharing ourselves in ‘portions’ then that is all that a relationship can be – a fraction of the whole of its potential. This really does not make any sense and whilst we may need to be ‘brave’ in the first instance as we bring all of ourselves to the fore, interacting with the world and each other openly and honestly, it is the only way we can move on from the sense of isolation so many of us feel even though we live in a world full of people.
Great to take the blog from the question about deeply craving intimacy with another, to fulfilling all cravings by connecting with our essence and all the love that we are. Then every expression can reflect intimacy.
The last sentence ‘what if being all of ourselves allows others to be all of themselves as well’ is huge. When I stop and really get what that is saying to me it screams the responsibility that is required by each and every single one of us. For who are we to deny anyone that reflection and ourselves. With out being all dramatic and heavy because there is no room for this when you stop and feel what this would actually bring. It would bring a world that actually Loves and Supports each other and as you say Bryony a level of True Intimacy that we all deserve and crave.
Reading your blog, Byrony, has prompted me to reflect on why there has been so little true intimacy in my own life. Fear of rejection has kept me from fully sharing myself, and it is certainly time to clear out any of these old beliefs and holding patterns so as to enjoy the love and openness that is there to be shared.
We can have an intimate connection with anyone, anywhere, anytime if we are open and have a willingness to let people in. And my feeling is, that if we can let anyone in, to truly ‘see’ us, without fear or favour, then imagine how deep we can go with our intimacy with our close friends and family, no exceptions. This is work in progress for me, and I am sure I am not alone, so instead of giving myself a hard time about it I shall accept how vulnerable I feel at times, and just endeavour to remain open and allowing, and see what transpires around me. I can’t really think of a better way to be than to live the day with an open heart which after all, is our natural way to be.
When we live in a way that lets us think we are playing safe, then there is no space for intimacy. Today I have learned that by keeping up a wall of protection I do not allow myself to feel all the support that is around me.
True intimacy can be shared between everyone, it is not imposing and it creates the space for everyone to express who they truly are.
“But it’s also our only true way of being in the world and in relationships, and really what the other person wants us to be, too: our true selves, honest and real, warts and all. No hiding.” This is so true, because every time I feel true intimacy in any relationship I feel light and expanded and so does the other person. True intimacy is inspiring and has a ripple effect in the world.
Intimacy is one of those words that I have needed to put in the washing machine to clean off all my associations with and misinterpretations of. It is re-emerging in my life as an incredible delicacy in relationships and is building alongside my willingness to open up and be really honest.
It’s funny how you can go for ages holding something against someone, even the smallest way that you can convince yourself is okay to hang onto, and in that, limit and cap the relationship. When all that is needed is to just let go of it, and move forward in love. I had this experience just yesterday with someone, a thought came in about them, I felt it and then just decided to accept them right then. My body felt so lovely afterwards and the warmth from them was confirmation that love is naturally there, and it’s only what we choose to bring in that changes everything.
“In spite of my uncertainty, allowing myself just to be me without holding back or measuring, was so easy, and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people”.
I can totally relate to this Bryony – it is totally exhausting to be presenting different roles to different people – it is so lovely to simply be ourselves and let the relationship with another unfold in a natural way. No pushing, no trying – simply being present with ourselves and the other and the connection opens up the way.
Oh I can’t believe you said the ‘intimacy’ word bryony, let alone connect to the fact that it doesn’t just mean being sexual with your partner and that is it. You are so right in saying the this is really what everyone is craving. Truly intimate, all of ourselves with everyone that we meet. I have been working on having true intimacy with myself and this has been an interesting journey, for every deepening. But one that I have resisted along because when I connect to the deeply powerful intimacy within and this quality I freak out because I don’t know how to live with this. Slower but ver surely I am allowing myself to accept that this is really the way I can be with myself and that I am allowed to enjoy it. Then as you say everyone I come into contact also enjoys the level of intimacy that I bring to those relationships. A total win win scenario.
It has been a great lie in society that intimacy is something to keep only for those we have direct relationship with or that it is about sexual contact. This lie has fostered the separation, protection and lack of expression in us all. There is much love and beauty to be shared and we can share this with absolutely everyone.
Bryony your blog brings up in me this deep desire to be completely open, not hold back and not need to be anything other then I am and I would agree with you that this is what we all crave. And yet we dare not go there out of fear for rejection or reaction. I am learning more and more that the pain of not being all of who I am far succeeds the pain another could ever inflict on me and that when I am fully open that anything that comes at me and may be a bit painful I am fully equipped to deal with.
True intimacy can be in the smallest of gestures with myself or with another.
I too used to think that intimacy only referred to sex and it didn’t cross my mind that I could be intimate with another other than in the bedroom. This is what I love about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine presentations. The presentations expose those false beliefs I have taken on and present another way to be and live.
I have found as we open up to intimacy with another, the depth in the relationship is beautiful. The openness in the sharing which flows there’s no barriers and there’s deep understanding an awareness.
I can remember very vividly an incident where I opened up and shared how I was feeling with no holding back to another woman and then immediately afterwards I felt extremely uncomfortable. I felt I had reached a point out of my comfort and that was a deeper connection with another woman. I could feel the intimacy between us and although I felt a little shy it was a great marker to build on.
It is a great point that a closeness with another is what is craved by everyone, but we have learned to not go for it in case someone does not behave favourably, which means we all end up just showing each other a façade of our true selves. I have noticed that when one person starts to express openly, others often tend to go there too, sometimes immediately, sometimes eventually and very few occasions others just don’t want to play. What freedom to stop taking it personally when some people are not ready to go there yet, but keep choosing that possibility by exressing that depth of love, understanding and acceptance of ourself and everyone else.
I get what you mean Bryony, the word intimacy has been bastardized so much that I find myself justifying what it means to someone when I use it. Thank you for bringing back the true meaning and essence of what intimacy is.
It’s interesting.. Intimacy and sex and how we make the assumption they are one and the same. I feel when I am completely intimate (to the best of my ability, {with a man or a women}) it feels like IT IS physically making love.
Intimacy is a deep surrendering to who we are and to share this with everyone equally. There is no greater joy in the world than allowing ourselves to be open and honest with not only ourselves but all others too. When we measure how much we share or open up to people that’s what stops intimacy building and our connection has no where to go.
When I have felt there was truly intimacy between myself and another woman, its a totally natural connection that takes no trying and has nothing in it but each others presence, grace, and the love we all naturally are, and you feel a connection with everything within that.
Thank you Bryony for this deeply beautiful and healing blog. As I was reading this my body’s tension from holding and guarding those bits of me I didn’t want others especially my husband to see is melting and softening. This stopped me , I can feel the ripple affect of the holding love in this blog that says” Its OK, natural and super healing for me to just be me’.There is a warm smile in my body as I feel how this article really supports a transforming from arrangements to truly intimate and harmonious relationships.
When any two people or more are completely open and honest with each other they have intimacy. Intimacy takes all relationships to the loveliest depths and sense of freedom.
Great blog Bryony. True intimacy has been so misinterpreted over time, taking its true meaning far away from what it really is. Recently I have been building a much more intimate realthionship with myself, simply by taking more care of how I do things, and what I am and am not prepared to accpept in my life. As a result my realtionships are growing more intimate with both men and women, without any kind of sexual agenda. So different from what I had always thought intimacy to be. It is very lovely to communicate with others in this way.
I love your blog Bryony, so crazy isnt it how we measure how ‘real’ we can safely be with people when just naturally being ourselves should be the easiest thing in the world.
Intimacy as a word has been stolen from us to be associated more with secret, sex and shame. Your blog goes a long way to restoring it back to its true and rightful meaning, being open and real and vulnerable and trusting and unafraid to express our deepest feelings. Intimacy, what we all deeply crave as you have said.
It is often so ingrained that we change our behaviour depending of whom we meet.
To realize that we are all the same and take everybody as an equal empowers both of us.
Intimacy is allowing myself to be seen and not conditional on another’s response. Being intimate with myself and honouring of my worth is the first step to intimacy with others.
Awesome sharing Bryony. Learning not to hold back and to be honest and open means that we don’t need to protect ourselves and ‘pour ourselves into a mold’. Instead we can be fully who we are made to be and automatically invite others to do so.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” Exhaustion is an epidemic in our society today- could this be why?
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” Yes absolutely! To start with ourselves begins the glorious journey.
Deeper intimacy clears the way for greater magic in relationships.
Well said Bryony, deeper intimacy is the next step to take in relationships each and every time.
When we stop hiding, we allow ourselves the true intimacy we have been longing for – an intimacy that can be shared in all our relationships.
To experience true intimacy in a relationship with a friend, reignites a trust to have in all of mankind. Once you experience a true intimate relationship with a friend, it highlights the holding back of ourselves in all other relationships. What a shame because in our core, we are all stupendous. The anxiety we hold each day, calibrating how we should be in order to constantly feel accepted or not feel rejected is exhausting.
Really lovely Byrony – it made me realise how much I am not truly myself and hold myself back. I recently have developed two similar relationships and it is unbelievable because the intimacy and love I feel supports me to openly express myself and deepen my love for myself.
Your so right when you say intimacy is a loaded word and subject – to talk about it as something that you can have with yourself and others may be seen as weird when taken as the context of it being something sexual, but what if that understanding is very limited and narrow in view – that in actual fact intimacy is far more than just a physical relationship with your partner, it is a way of being and a way of life and relationships. What if all our needs and cravings for attention, recognition, acceptance etc, come from seeking something outside us because we are lacking this intimacy? What your sharing is that it is possible to have that connection with someone and how beautiful it is to feel.
Bryony great blog. “It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” It is completely exhausting the more I stay myself in each and every situation the simpler life becomes and the less taxing it is on my body. Constantly changing my colours to fit in with others is exhausting and also means you have no real connection because you are only showing the bits of you you think they will like and so hiding the rest in case they not like for that bit. Crazy really.
‘Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?’ Bryony this is so true, we are comfortable with different people at different levels and as a result share and show different parts of ourselves to different people, wouldn’t it be great if we could trust ourselves to be ourselves with everyone.
It is interesting to acknowledge how we have lost the true meaning of intimacy, and how we use it in a way that infers it is to do with sex, when in truth we all crave true intimacy with another.
A deeply honest and gorgeous exposure of the suffocation we feel when we choose to hide our true selves. The intimacy and beauty that is denied is not worth the temporary and illusionary feeling of protection from calibrations or facades.
When we choose to connect with and appreciate who we are, without reservation, we bring all that love to everyone we meet, inviting them to connect with themselves and with us. There is an open- ness allowing the possibility of so much more than we could ever imagine.
If I allow myself to be who I am naturally are I am living also an invitation for others to join me.
Like you Bryony i also used to feel a bit odd with that word “intimacy”, the same as “sexy” – because of their connotations with sex, or the act of sex.. and with “intimacy” it also had for me this secretive element to it too…like someone sharing such information to another colleague at work and having “intimate (close) conversations” with them that only included those concerned. Which always felt disconcerting. It is a great revelation when we find that the meaning of words are the opposite and thus have been engineered to keep us distant or inverted from the original specifically to keep us away from connecting to their true truth: intimacy meaning closeness, to bare all to another, being comfortable sharing yourself with people, letting and inviting them in, not secretiveness/exclusivity or just for sexual encounters. As with sexy, love, intimacy in all their true meanings, it is possible to have, be, show or experience this with all genders, in spite of one’s own gender, sexuality or relationship status — because it’s just us being the real us, and not holding back that beauty because of any mis-guided definition.
“truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves” – and with such openness there would be collaboration and cohesion, and the fact that there is so much disharmony, or competitiveness especially in things like the office, or women in leadership roles/role models, it signals the opposite and keeping oneself back or hiding you speak of Bryony. Without protection life is just harmonious … like the weekend you spent, and i agree why is it that we’re not as open with everyone, and just select people. As with most things, there are layers that gracefully unfold and dissolve into great beauty.
When we truly learn to be tender and open within ourselves, developing an intimate relationship with our friends becomes easy. Allowing ourselves to accept who we are, warts and all can be quite challenging, but gradually as we do the barriers come down and showing the world who we really are turns into a beautiful journey of expressing, sharing and deepening our awareness of who we truly are and how much love we have to share.
This blog totally rocks, and shows us that intimacy is real, and that we have build many walls, stories around this word, that made it look fake, unreal or even a negative thing.. Amazing how we can bastardize words, but never ever does the true meaning of the world goes under sea… It is the more we allow ourselves to come back to the true meaning of words, that bring us back to the true meaning of how we have lived lives from that true meaning – like the word God. Powerful blog, beautiful sharing. Thank you.
Brilliantly beautiful blog.. Bryony, you shine the stars off the sky with this one.. Amazing expression of truth , love and well-being(in truth). The quesiton you asked makes absolute sense ; And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?”… This shows us our responsibility , as we are examples for everyone, role models for everyone and true leading impulses for everyone. SO if we hold back, we show the world that it is OK to hold back.. Which is not OK at all, as this is the whole reason why we are living in this cycle of patterns that keeps us small, by choice , our own choice, but nevertheless we are keeping ourselves and others in comfort this way. So it is from absolute importance to let go of this contraction, everyone, and start to life the real deal – that is us. Followed by example of Natalie Benhayon, a true leading woman who lives her tenderness, joy, absolute strenght and dedication to being a whole universal connected being.
Being brave enough to open up with people we already know is a good word for unraveling the pretense that was created by only bringing the parts of ourselves that felt safe to share. By sharing all truthfully a whole new level of understanding starts to be laid and wonderful honest moments start to flourish. Very soon it becomes simpler, lighter and there’s a great joy shared in being our true selves and yes it does feel very intimate, in what previously was a more tense and as you say suffocating way of communicating.
I had an inspiring talk today about intimacy and how this is different between two women and between a man and a woman. Can we as women be intimate with men, when they are not our partner? There are still many beliefs about this. For me intimacy is being open with everybody, regardless their gender. But I also notice that I have my own set of beliefs in what is ‘allowed’.
Indeed no need for all the trappings of romance and intimacy, flowers, chocolates and dramatic disclosures just the opening of your heart and letting another in.
Just after reading your blog somebody passed me in the hallway where I was waiting for someone. I could feel how I instantly held back and how my whole system was trying to configure to the presence of this person. Like I was searching for a way to be with this person. Instead of holding back I decided to open my body to her and I could immediately feel my natural strength return. Thank you Bryony for reminding me that I can choose to be all of me all of the time and how much difference this makes to me and everyone I encounter.
There is such an allowing for others when we dare to be all of ourselves with no hiding.
Us pretending to be something we are not, ‘just in case’… and the other needing you to be a certain way, so as not to push their buttons. Yet Bryony you’ve revealed how the willingness to be intimate wipes aside the games and provides a relationship that can deepen to our natural levels of being with each other.
In actual fact despite our chameleon tendencies, all anyone truly wants is to be met …but to meet another we have to be all of ourselves and drop the chameleon! What a game we play!
This is such a beautiful blog.
Message: No matter who stands in front of you don’t hold back what you can give
I experimented with this at work – there was an incident I initiated that left bad feeling amongst the team, so, after pondering and realising it was an old pattern of reaction in me, and taking responsibility for that, I approached each individual concerned and expressed my appreciation for them exposing my old pattern of thinking and expressed honestly how I felt about what had happened. It was awesome, it immediately changed the sullen atmosphere into one of lightness and playfulness.
The exhaustion of hiding. The exhaustion of presenting multiple versions. The exhaustion of trying to be something other than our true selves. The exhaustion of lying. I know all about this. The crazy thing is that we think we are protecting ourselves. Quite the opposite – it’s killing us. You only have to look at coffee consumption to see that society is devastated by the separation that we are all living. Transparency and intimacy are the greatest medicines and we all need to drink gallons of the stuff!!
When we are truly connected with ourselves, time no longer comes into account in regards to friendships and relationships. Through our connection we then connect with another on a deep and intimate level. It doesn’t have to take long, it can happen in a moment. This is so beautiful to feel and to know. Our friendships are then based on space opposed to time.
‘If we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives’ – I agree completely Bryony, and not only do we miss out from being ourselves and feeling confident, vibrant and joyful, but other people that we’re speaking to also don’t get to experience all of who we are. If we always wait for ‘permission’ to be us, we could be waiting for a very long time and during this period we have to put a lot of energy into contracting and NOT expressing, thus we can seriously damage our bodies.
“Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?” This is so true of how we usually live our lives. And it is exhausting! All that wasted energy when we could just drop all the protection and simply be ourselves. It’s a delight to read of your experience Bryony.
People can say it’s a lack of confidence that stops us shining out in the world but it comes from our feeling inside of self worth and love that brings us back out to be all that we truly are in our daily lives. Serge Benhayon’s simple presentation of allowing ourselves to be love, holding that connection within us and allowing others in is the key. Your example of intimacy Bryony, shows us it’s for all relationships.
Bryony, this is a great question, ‘And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?’ Reading your article I can feel how i calculate, calibrate and don’t say some things incase i upset someone, it feels exhausting and very tense, when i do let go of this ‘trying’ and complication and simply express what I feel and am at ease with myself it feels gorgeous and very simple, I can feel how this is very supportive and evolving for myself and others.
I’ve found a new level of intimacy with my family by connecting with them regularly and sharing not just what I’m doing, but how I am and feeling. I came to see how conversations with them were often superficial and we didn’t really open up to each other. This is changing not just for me but them too.
Briony I love this blog and all you are sharing as true intimacy really is something we all crave. I am realising that being truly loving and intimate with my self and growing this first is the only way to be this with another and then it is naturally ones way . In fact it is the holding back of oneself that causes the real block to communicating the very intimacy and love we are.
Recently, I had a moment of intimacy when I shared with my friend of many years ‘secrets’ from my past. This opening brought us closer together, I hadn’t realised until then how much of my past lay buried and unknown to those close to me.
We can also experience intimacy when out and about. Like today in a shop, a male shop assistant knew exactly what I wanted when I experienced a problem buying a handmade item, that was poorly finished. I hesitated as I knew it wasn’t good enough. One shop assistant was defensive, another quietly went out of his way to find one that was well-finished and brought it to me. Our eyes met and I said thank you. As I left he smiled said ‘Do visit us again’.
When we are little we are happy being ourselves, we then get an option to either stay with that or learn not to be ourselves and make that normal. How bananas that we have to relearn how to be ourselves with everyone in the same open and natural way. It makes me feel a little silly for allowing myself to be duped 🙂
“If we choose to be less than who we are, or to be the version of ourselves we think we should be, if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves and our lives – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives” that is so true, we are, the world needs us to be part of it…in full!
It occurs to me Bryony as I read this just how key it is in life to be intimate with ourselves which is to be closely connected to our body and what we are truly feeling all the time. We are always connected to our bodies and feelings in-truth but we tend to live in a way that dulls this awareness and hence inhibits any true intimacy we can have with another
Thank you Bryony, you have brought up some interesting questions. I have come to the conclusion that it has been a fear of rejection that has held me back from expressing my ‘idea’ of intimacy, this idea was fraught with expectations and yet with true intimacy there can never be an expectation or a rejection as what we are offering is a transparency, a direct connection with the essence of who we are. If another cannot not match that then it is they that are rejecting themselves.
I find the uncomfortable part is for me to show all of me, as I am, as that can have a big impression on others. For many years it was far more comfortable to just express from my mind as that left everybody much more comfortable.
There is a point we discover that being our true selves is the simplest, most loving and caring choice we make for everyone. If there are melt downs they are far shorter and truly heal much quicker than the fallout of emotional explosions form built of tension of pretense and protection.
I have benefitted much from a simple presentation Serge Benhayon has offered about letting love in and giving love out. Making intimacy about this has allowed me to explore what in me prevents this flow of love from being simple and natural without the added constraints that others place around intimacy and love.
Why is it that we hold back all the love, joy, grace and beauty we all naturally are, and wait for someone to say its okay to be all that gorgeousness?! Its seems absurd, and so unnatural – no wonder there is so much dis-ease and illness in the world when our bodies are having to constantly cope with a state of being that is not natural to it.
What a great question you pose, why can’t we all be intimate with each other in the way you describe. I have often wondered why I can be myself with some people and not with others, even though I do try to be the same. Human behaviour is quite confusing sometimes even though it doesn’t have to be that way.
“If we choose to be less than who we are, … if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives.” How true Bryony… and how sad to be living a shadow of the gloriousness of who we truly are, when we can make a choice to give ourselves permission and shine as bright as the stars!
I like how you explore the word intimacy, that it is not a rare situation but that it can be lived in every moment with everyone, that it is simply being open and “being the real me”.
I love the time given to exploring words like these. Words that have been changed and manipulated from their true origins. When we bring them back into play, into our everyday vocabulary, we are also allowing others to get a sense of their true meaning.
And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too? brilliant question to leave us with. I know the tension we put ourselves in to be a certain way for other people, so what is a blessing it is to be to offer the opportunity to just be oneself, no need, pressure or expectation. Intimacy is therefore the ultimate tool in deepening our relationships with each other.
What a delicious blog Bryony – who needs the cakes, chocolate or wine when you have this level of real connection! Seriously though, to allow your self and the other to be all of you and enjoy yourselves in this way, that’s all we need together.
How very different any relationship can be when we choose to be transparent and let the other person see who we are.
Deep down everyone craves intimacy – I know people who would go to bed and have sex with someone they barely know, just to feel close to someone. The sad reality is that they very often wake up feeling empty and more alone than ever, because the physical connection alone was not and can never be true intimacy.
This is true Eva. It is common to seek intimacy via sex which really only offers a momentarily relief. Until we become intimate with ourselves, we can never really be truly intimate with another.
Hi Bryony – I love the last line of your blog – ‘And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?’ I have felt this in my relationships and observed amazing changes when I choose to surrender and allow other people in – others opened up to let me in. The word ‘Intimacy’ has held so much confusion and double meanings in the past and often there is an ‘awkward’ silence when the word is mentioned. It is so great that you have initiated the discussion that so needs to happen. Thank you.
I really like this question Bryony – “Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?”. What we hide from others we also hide from ourselves which means that we do not allow ourselves to get to know who we truly are and instead settle for a facade, a false image of ourselves. This totally blocks intimacy as when we choose to hide anything we are putting up a block that prevents intimacy.
I can feel the absolute freedom and spaciousness that comes with letting down our guards and allowing ourselves to be seen for who we are. Thank you Bryony.
I can too, Leonne – and it seems ridiculous that we don’t live that way.
Yes, Bryony, it is amazing how often we have held back on being all of ourselves for fear of what another may think when all that everyone is aching for is true intimacy. When we allow ourselves to let go and just be ourselves the warmth that flows between you and the other person feels so expansive you wonder why you have held back for so long. I am sure this is a work in progress for me as I allow myself to become more intimate with myself and understand what we all hold within in our essence – something that is precious and part of us all. The detail of every little part of ourselves is something to explore and wonder at and for us to build an intimate relationship with these intricacies that are part of human life.
“Yes, Bryony, it is amazing how often we have held back on being all of ourselves for fear of what another may think when all that everyone is aching for is true intimacy”, bare yourself, bare your soul, it’s like we’re waiting for another to rip open their shirt like Superman and bare themselves and their soul and that then gives us the freedom to do the same. I for one am not holding myself back anymore and the more that I bare myself, the more of me there is to bare. The I that is not me just keeps coming.
What a great question to end your wonderfully honest blog with Byrony. “And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” To some this may feel like a huge responsibility and that it is, but it is not the onerous burden that we have been lead to believe that responsibility is, but a most joyful feeling of sharing all of you so another is able to feel all of them; such a beautiful example of the ripple effect.
It is true Byrony, if we choose less than who we are we are wasting our lives. Interestingly we are still choosing it and we hang onto it with everything we got as if we were to loose a fortune. There seems to be quite an investment into this lesser way of being.
Intimacy is the openess to be who we are and allowing that to be seen by someone else without any need for falsity, masks or pretense.
To find back to that innocent, open and transparent way of being that we all knew and lived as a child is quite an undoing of all the images and pictures we have about ourselves, who we want to be and what we want to present and how we want to look to just re-discovering who we are in truth.
Intimacy is our natural way of being with everyone because the truth of the matter (literally) is that we are a collection of particles. How much force do we therefore have to constantly apply to give the impression that we are separate from one another?
When we are born we do not hide anything, we just express in what ever way we can and do not hold back, showing ourselves to the world in full all of the time. Then we start to learn how to wear a mask and how to hide behind it and we make life all about relating to people’s masks. We somehow know that there is a real person behind that mask but we accept when they present that mask to us and present ours and keep playing that game… it is like a puppet show.
Bryony it’s beautiful that you share what the true meaning of intimacy is…for so long we have assumed it’s sexual connotations without understanding that intimacy is allowing our vulnerability to be seen, deeply connecting with ourselves and others and letting people in.
I enjoyed reading this. It’s funny how we have our own version of what warts are and if they should be hidden and from whom – how exhausting. I agree Bryony it is like living a double life and at what point do we say I’ve had enough and just let it all go, and stop the pretence.
For so long I have had different versions of myself, constantly measuring and holding back. Very tiring I can tell you that. I notice that I still have a holding back with certain people that I label a certain way, for instance at work. A manager who in my experience can get angry really easily or with people that are reacting to me and I can still have it with certain men. It’s beautiful to observe myself and to just see where I am more intimate with some people than with others.
This blog is a really gentle prod to explore how much I let others in and how much I may still be holding back! One of the key things for me to feel is how many of my hurts I am still holding on to and why. When we are protecting our hurts we cannot, by virtue of our hardening, allow others to see us in all transparency and will therefore not be able to have intimacy with anyone.
Holding back and hiding is very familiar to me. And yet, I realize now that it simply isn’t worth the tension it creates in my life to perpetuate this pattern and seek acceptance from others. Nor has it any truth. The truth is that we are all unique and valuable expressions of the whole and it is our job to bring our part to life.
This is a truth that I am working on allowing to be.
Dear Bryony
This is a great subject. I have calibrated who I am with others my whole life and since reading articles on the Esoteric Women’s Health blog about being a ‘pretzel’ and ‘just being real and being me’, I have considered this much further. It is truly liberating when we can be equally who we are with whomever we are with, and afford both ourselves and the other the space and understanding to be who they are without limitation. There is of course also the factor of reading the other and feeling what is needed to be said and not just what I want to say. It is a dance of expression and communication and I feel that the more loving understanding and tenderness I give to myself, the more I able to share myself with others and receive them in their expression.
I have often observed how, with intimacy between women there can be jealousy or comparison from other women. From my observations I have seen how the jealousy or comparison that comes is not truly angry or vengeful, even though that is sometimes how it is expressed. No, it is actually coming from a sadness from seeing what is dearly missed. When I can see that someone is experiencing this, and if it is appropriate, I do my best to include them in the intimacy, because no one is special when when intimacy comes in to play, it is just a natural part of who we all are.
I have found that when true intimacy with a person isn’t there, it can be substituted for emotional love, drama, gossip, arguments – almost anything to try and make the connection feel whole and like there is something – anything – there, when in truth we are craving true intimacy.
Bryony, you ask some great questions, ‘But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?’ I can feel how this is what we crave and when we feel this intimacy it feels beautiful and true, it feels lovely when i am honest and open and not trying to be a certain way, this is a way of being that I am choosing more and more as to try and be what other people want me to be feels awful in my body and causing much tension and pain.
“And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” This is the crunch! The times that I have allowed myself to be transparent, vulnerable and totally open it has been lovely to witness other people opening up in front of my eyes. It’s like they let the walls down and allow themselves out. It is the best feeling in the world to allow this kind of intimacy. It is something I love but do not live all the time. I still notice when my protection creeps in, and this gets in the way of being able to be totally open with others.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” It is true Bryony, we do crave intimacy and yet we seem to do everything to not be intimate with one another. I know that for most of my life I have spent guarded and protective thinking this would stop me getting hurt. yet this is in fact the complete opposite to what intimacy is about. Being open and vulnerable with each other allows intimacy in a relationship, it allows honesty and love to flow and in this we can begin to feel what intimacy truly is.
It is so great to let go of all the ‘should do’s’, ‘how to be’s’ and ‘boxes’ we put on ourselves in life to fit in, not stand out and the worst thing of all… to keep everything the way it is. By letting go of these ideals we can truly change the way we are relating to each other in the world and this is very welcome.
When I express the love that is within me, there are many intimate moments. Many of those are fleeting but the intimacy is there and it is beautiful.
A beautiful sharing Bryony, definitely one I really relate to. It is so important for us to start to become our real selves, in all situations, with all people, showing each other our whole selves. This is something we all can aim for and I know it is one that I am feeling a strong pull to be. If we are all one why would we hold back from anyone ?!
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations. “- so true Bryony; I used to live like this only to wonder why I was always feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I couldn’t feel how painful it felt when I held back from saying what I was impulsed to be said.
Thankfully, I am now learning to trust that I can be all of myself everywhere I go and with everyone I met. I am enough.
That you are able to be so intimate with another person shows how intimate you are with yourseld, Bryony.
There is a natural intimacy we have with people that it takes energy to hold back. Imagine how exhausting it is holding back time after time after time, just because we have been told intimacy will be misread as something sexual. The more we don’t hold back, the more we are all reeducated with the way relationships can be.
This is a great point. Not only is it exhausting but draining and depleting too. The spark and joy of the connection and confirmation of who we are is gone, so so too is it absent for the person we are with.
We’re either a portal for the expansiveness of God or we’re a narrow neck for everything that is not and it all boils down to how we move, (express) ourselves. Move in sync with God and God flows through us with ease, move out of sync with God (pretend to be who we’re not) and who He’s not with stutter forth.
Intimacy invites us to go so much deeper in our relationships, rather than dancing on the surface, we can dive deep and explore the treasures that lie within us all just waiting to be felt and enjoyed. Equally, through allowing ourselves to connect in complete open-ness, we have the opportunity to help each other with buried hurts, the potential is endless.
Being intimate with one, opens our intimacy with all. What a profound form of medicine – simple in application and extensive in it’s healing.
“Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.” – In my experience this takes a huge pressure off us as we release trying to contain or conform ourselves to an ideal! And it takes a pressure off the people we are with too as it is showing them that we want them to just be who they are too.
And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too? A great question Bryony, and from my experience, I can say that it most definitely does allow them to open up more and share more of themselves, and there is a feeling of total equality and connection. It really makes sense if we greet another with nothing in the way, just us in our natural essence, all shining and gorgeous, basically saying, here I am and I see there you are, magic can’t help but happen between you.
It’s interesting that being able to adapt and change ourselves to suit a particular situation or group of people/person, is viewed by many as a quality to be lauded. I for one used to pride myself in my chamaeleon-like ability to fit in wherever I went. But in reality all we are doing is not ‘rocking the boat’, dimming our light, dulling down our reflection, so that no-one feels uncomfortable around us and s we can feel comfortable ourselves that we are accepted and liked. This serve no-one and nothing except to feed the illusion that the boat is not to be rocked. How about we let go of the need to be liked and accepted and don;t hold back one iota of who we are, even if it means the boat sinks.
What I love about reading this is the feeling of having a conversation with you, that you have let me in to you, it is intimacy in action reading your blog Bryony it is so sweet and thoughtful, shedding light and taking us by the hand saying this way, it’s not so scary that is just a game you are falling for.. this way it’s worth it.
“…and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.” When you look at what it is like for us to twist, mould, our selves to try and fit in it is absolutely exhausting without a doubt! No wonder the world is surviving on coffee and coca cola so many of us are living a false existence.
Intimacy brings the quality of meaningfulness to relationships.
INTIMACY naturally happens when we are being ourselves – open with another! To be this with another comes from our intimacy with ourselves.
When we are fully open with another and them with us there feels like there is a common mingling, a merging, a point of crossing over. Ultimately we’re all returning back into the One melting pot of God and so this feeling is perhaps the embryonic stages of returning to the Oneness. Initially recognizing ourselves in another and then remembering that there is, in truth, no other.
As shared by Byrony, intimacy to me is meeting with another from a place of being myself and in that I am open, this allows the space for another to be themselves and open, and in this opening in ‘being who we are’ brings the closeness as it supersedes the shallow and superficial where there can be no heart connection.. As you have exquisitely shared Bryony ‘I recently spent the weekend with a friend and felt an amazing connection.’ It is amazing when we share ourselves with another and allow ourselves to express and be who we are, there is so much there we offer and share, our unique beingness.
Bryony this is such an important conversation to be had and you expressed it so honestly and it’s absolutely true what you have shared about your experience with intimacy, it completely resonates with me.
I too have found it incredible to realise that opening up and being ourselves is actually so much easier than holding onto the layers of protection which keep people out. Opening to love is our natural way of being and when we do, it feels so incredible and beautiful it has led me to question, why would I not choose this all of the time?
Strange thing that we have adopted and accepted this notion of only ever showing certain parts of us to certain people and in specific situations; it is as though we live a piecemeal and partitioned kind of existence and never all that we are.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” – it sure is exhausting and something I used to do…I prided myself on being able to fit in with all kinds of different people, which is great, but I was different with them all. Now I’m the same with everyone, authentic, real and just myself and that is from connecting to who I am and being that with everyone, and not being who I think they want me to be.
I love the fragility and delicateness in how you’ve written this Bryony, and at the same time, the power I can feel in you surrendering and allowing this other woman to see who you are. It’s very beautiful to read and feel, thank you.
I agree it is amazing how much effort we put into not being ourselves when who we all are at essence is so totally magnificent. Also it is as you say completely exhausting trying not to be who we are – imagine a world where we all allowed ourselves to be the joyful, loving, wise people we naturally are!
You also comment on the fear of people reacting if you are your true loving self. Maybe people react at times because they so very much miss being themselves and if someone chooses to be true it exposes all that is not true and can bring up hurts and reactions. It can also provide inspiration and great joy. At the end of the day there comes a point when we simply have to drop the false and express who we truly are regardless of any consequences for the consequence of not expressing our love and truth is far, far worse than any reaction and the joy and rewards are priceless.
‘Some may react when we choose to be all of ourselves, and others not.’ This is often my stumbling block. Not wanting to deal with possible reactions to me being all of myself. But you make a great point where you say, ‘what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.’ So very true.
It feels like I have been in a dance of intimacy all my life waiting for the other person to make the right moves so I feel safe enough to open up and let them see the ‘real’ me. No longer, I now choose to make the first move and allow for the possibility of increasing intimacy in all of my relationships.
You said the word Bryony! Intimacy. The thing we all crave yet have difficulty even saying, because its meaning has been reinterpreted. When we give ourselves permission to just be (and only we can do that) it is such a glorious feeling, and you are so right, when we allow ourselves to be, it shows others its safe to do the same.
Bryony this is a beautiful blog. Constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…It is exhausting. I can relate to what you share…holding back for fear of being rejected or hurt. But I can also relate to the joy of what you share about intimacy and the beauty of that. To truly live this way with everyone equally so would be quite something and not save it for the one or two people we feel safe with.
“And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves too ?” yes Bryony I agree, for us to be ourselves no guards no protection, needs or calibrating allows others to be themselves.
I agree Bryony, it is exhausting when we shut ourselves down and do not express what is there to be expressed.
There’s so much I relate to Bryony. I’ve been playing a role for a long time by pretending that I was really open to everyone. Only recently I’ve become much more honest on where I am at any given situations. That to be really open, my body has to be fully open. Open towards myself in the first place and secondly open towards the other person(s). I’m learning that there’s is a choice to be open, fragile and connected within myself and in connection to others. It’s a wonderful feeling when this intimate connection is felt.
Yes this is key Floris, being open to someone comes back to how we actually are in our bodies. Do we tense up in anyway around someone or are we able to keep our bodies open and inviting towards that person. I have been clocking this very much of late, what my body language is like towards each and every person I meet. When and where do I put up my guards and when they come up, can I let them down. It is a beautiful process as I am now choosing to let people in.
“But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?” It is a tad ironic that although we deeply crave intimacy with ourselves and with all those we are in relationship with, the bastardised interpretation of intimacy being of a sexual nature means we keep ourselves in protection and closed. Perhaps there is also a shame to overcome in wanting intimacy too seeing as our understanding of it is laced in this way and we hold back. As you raise Bryony intimacy is simply bringing all of you to all you meet. In this simplicity intimacy with all is something that is very real, practical and achievable.
Intimacy means the other can see and feel (no touching needs to be involved) us much more clearly, including our love and our amazingness. That takes confidence in our bodies.
Up until fairly recently, I too was uncomfortable using the word ‘intimacy’ because it was loaded with innuendo and suggestions as to what it was. But at the recent Universal Medicine retreat, we explored what intimacy isn’t and discovered it isn’t any of the things we all think it is – it has nothing to do with sex, it isn’t reserved for our partner and it isn’t necessarily physical. It is a way of being with another, a connection and it can be felt with anyone at any time.
I love this Bryony, and particularly your ending line – what if us being all of us allows another to be all of them? Someone has to start and it may as well be us.
It feels a beautiful discovery of how you simply allowed yourself to be you Bryony, opening up to the depth of this new relationship and how gorgeous that feels. As you have allowed someone see all of you, they also feel able to let you see all of them and the intimacy deepened. It feels like the way we have previously thought of intimacy ( you and me both) was a trick to stop us from opening up in any relationship, is it possible we can be intimate with everyone we meet?
Intimacy is not something we allow ourselves to express or explore enough – whether it be with another person or with ourselves. Indeed, as a society, we go out of our way to avoid intimacy, and to our detriment. It is no wonder that porn is the number one searched term on the internet.
Yes! This means how far away we are from our natural essence. But we just have to remember who we truly are and express in full all our preciousness.
We use our hurts as a protection and an excuse to not open up to each other, building a wall around ourselves. The consequence is that we feel very lonely inside these walls because we do not let anyone in and we do not let anything out either – we do not show ourselves in who we are and what we bring – so how can anyone appreciate us in that?
Such an inspiring blog Bryony! Thank you very much. I love the simplicity how you talk about intimacy. Something that I’ve lost for many years with myself and now is what truly supports me to connect in a deeper level with me, with my authenticity. I’m realizing how much isolated I’ve been living just because the ideas that I had about me, my lack of confidence and my lack of self-love. Sometimes I choose to not connect with people at this level of intimacy for fear to being rejected or because my judgments about others. I was constantly pushing myself to fit in what others wanted that I be and how exhausting is that. Today I want more intimate connections with people in my life where I can embrace in full the pure, amazing and sensitive woman that I am and embrace others equally so. Holding-back and calibrating my expression hurts me so deeply, what makes me feel alive and truly free is when I’m expressing openly with everyone. Thank you so much Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for being a huge daily inspiration in to my life.
Isn’t it interesting that we protect ourselves from the very thing that we crave most? Intimacy! This is indeed something to ponder on!
‘It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations’ – Well said Bryony; I completely agree. Trying to be a certain way to meet expectations or beliefs is indeed exhausting… We end up putting all our energy into leading numerous different lives with different personas, none of which are our true self! It’s crazy to consider how being ourselves would be much less effort and much more enjoyable, but we try so hard to maintain a false exterior.
When we’re being our true unadulterated selves it is beyond joyous because what we get to feel and realise is that we’re actually not the ‘we’ that we thought we were, we are in fact a river mouth for God, how glorious is that? No, truly how utterly glorious is that? It makes me want to celebrate.
I love these moments – moments of space where there are none of the calculations and manipulations occurring of how much we can say, can do and can be around another person, but rather are just ourselves – perhaps rare experiences for some people, but therefore all the more worth exploring why we don’t have this as a consistency in our lives.
“It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” I know this one well,, and it is very exhausting. I even used to have different sets of clothes for meeting different friends! I used to feel like a fraud as the me that my friends were meeting was not the true me at all. Now I am much more myself wherever I go and with whoever I’m with. There are still moments when I catch myself slipping into being a certain way to make people feel comfortable, but these moments are becoming less and less. It is less exhausting to not try to fit in and not try to please others. I am then free to be me and keep my energy for truly living.
It is so great to ‘let one’s guard down’ and not hold back, feeling one has to protect oneself from fear of being hurt, rejected, getting in wrong, judged, etc. It feels so free and liberating being intimate.
Yes, once we know and live our true nature anything else stands out like a sore thumb. Our choices becomes clearer in each moment as to whether we honour this awareness or not.
I am super grateful to you for ‘going there’ with the word intimacy; taking it out of the shady corner I squeezed it into because of shameful associations and re-establishing it in its true quality. Thank you, Bryony.
I agree “It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” I am ‘me’ as much as I am able in all situations it is wonderful for my children to observe this about me. I don’t hold back, hide and alter what I say or how I am in most situations. there are times when I have struggled, and they will come, but I will keep learning from them. What I do know is that being myself and expressing from that place is deeply enriching, vitalising and supportive for every day life.
When we meet someone we can be intimate with it is a something for us to treasure, it is a marker in our lives, it shows us that we can live it, an experience to appreciate and knowing this from our body means we can learn, practice and commit to living it with everyone we meet.
“There. I said it. Intimacy! That little word, so loaded with ideas and expectations.” So often we get intimacy muddled up with dependency, or sex or neediness whereas in fact the true meaning of the word arises from “inmost, innermost, deepest”. When we live in connection to our innermost essence, being intimate with people is so natural. When we feel intimately connected to our self, to our soul, we have nothing to hide or shield from anyone and hence this quality will always establish an atmosphere of intimacy where ever we go.
The thing I have tricked myself with in the past is that if I keep myself small and don’t express myself I won’t get attacked or have some one react to me….”But what’s worse than others’ reactions is that feeling of suffocating ourselves by trying to fit some uncomfortable mould that we’ve poured ourselves into.” What I am aware of is that fear of reaction or attacks, is in fact an attack, because w live in energy and we can feel a persons intention towards us. It may say don’t stand up. speak our, express yourself because you will be attacked, imposition, intimidation and silent threats to not step out of our agreed arrangements in life is an attack and a reaction to our inner light, what shines from within. People see who we truly are on the inside and we will get reactions from people anyway. So I say have a go at shining, regardless of what the reaction maybe. I had a go at the walking on eggs shells, hiding my light and yes it felt “suffocating” When I decide to make the change I called it ‘surfacing’ because I actually felt like I could drown underneath it. Expression of what we feel and our truth is awesome.
“I recently spent the weekend with a friend and felt an amazing connection…”, I recently spend a day with a friend, in fact it was only half a day, and as the connection grew between us we realised that our level of intimacy was deepening, and with every step we took together it was almost as if we became one, we became super sensitive to each others feelings and everything flowed around us with ease. This shows me the power of an intimate connection, and how it can be deepened by accepting and appreciating what another brings, and if we cherish each other without comparison we begin to realise that miracles can happen, and this is in only half a day, imagine what life would be like if we lived like that all the time.
A great blog raising many valuable points. Trying to mould ourselves to fit in, even if it is only into our own ideals, let alone that of another, is deeply harmful. It truly squashes and contorts the body and not only do we not allow ourselves to be and flourish but we are signalling to others that it is ok for them to do the same.
This is great, intimacy needs to be lived in ourselves first. It is allowing ourself to be all that we are, which is truly beautiful. What we have learned to be intimate can be part of it, but as you share here it is so much more, allowing ourselves to be seen for all that we are.
I agree Bryony it does feel suffocating not being ourselves, the constraints that we put on ourselves to fit in with what we know not to be true is exhausting. I have to work really hard to not be me and when it is seen like this it makes no sense at all. How can we have true intimacy with another if we only allow them to see a fraction of who we truly are.
When you write about that we ‘mask’ ourselves to ‘fit in’ – the question rises in me: where do I actually want to ‘fit in’. This world is a mess, our relationships are superficial, emotional or fake and we do more exist & function than truly vital living. Why the #§%#§ do I want to fit in here? Does not make sense. To hold this way of existing alive by supporting it is irresponsible and unacceptable. Our bodies reflect us the inharmonious way of life we choose if we do not come aware of it before. To nominate our lack of intimacy in daily life and our suffer because of it is a good start for a rising awareness. We want to be near each other, want to be close….in fact we are coming from a place where we are ONE – so off cause we miss each other on this planet, in this human form when we do not open up and live transparently.
Bryony that is really an inspiring question: ” . . . how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?” I only can say that you awesome blog made it for me even more clear that holding back is really a bad disease.
I loved reading your blog Bryony, I could feel the naturalness of intimacy between you and your friend. And that’s what intimacy truly is, natural to us. It takes a lot of our energy to not be intimate with each other, like you said it is suffocating in every way.
‘Because how can we take our relationships to true intimacy, the level that we all deserve, if we’re not truly being ourselves and only brave enough to share portions of us at a time?’ When we calculate or measure how much we share of ourselves we say no to the other person, you are not worth getting all of me.
I recently had an experience with another woman which was so intimate even if I did not know her at all and thisngave me a deep insight how deeplynconnected we are and hownnatural this is. It is a blessing to experience this in my normal day to day life.
I had a similar experience Kerstin. It’s so beautiful express openly, so powerful and freeing when we can share with simplicity all our feelings with others. It connects me with the little girl that I was and with the woman that I am today. Such a big present gift can be for others when we are expressing from our innocence, people can feel inspired to connect with their own purity as well.
Being intimate feels as our natural way of being Bryony. It feels that this way of being is who we truly are in intimate connection with all people that we meet and live with.
This is so true, Nico. When we allow ourselves to be intimate there is no defences – we are natural and there is harmony and flow.
I’m feeling that intimacy is a choice and once we commit to dropping our guard completely, it’s then feeling the potential between you and the other person and allowing all that is there to come through, to be shared, enjoyed and celebrated, with or without words.
‘What felt uncomfortable was the idea of opening myself up, being all of me, without hiding or holding back. Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.’ …..Yes, I totally relate! I’m feeling sad that I’ve allowed myself to be so conditioned in life, worrying about how I am perceived, feeling that I’m not enough, that I need to change somehow but not knowing quite how, rather than simply claiming all that I already am and feeling how incredibly awesome that is, as I do now.
‘But isn’t intimacy – that close connection with another person – what we all deeply crave?’ ….. yes, it is, it’s the food of life, sharing our love for ourselves and each other unreservedly and with equality for all, not just a chosen few.
There is something very beautiful in allowing ourselves to ‘drop our guard’, in being transparent and really showing ourselves to the world, it’s an acknowledgment and confirmation of how we have claimed ourselves as the amazing people that we are. Being intimate with each other is an exquisite opportunity for us to just be the tender, delicate, gorgeous beings that we are, to feel our divinity in every particle of our bodies.
I too always related the word ‘intimacy’ with sex and felt you could only be intimate with your husband or lover. However, since attending many Women Health talks with Natalie Benhayon, I feel intimate means letting your guard and protection down and being totally transparent with people and being comfortable with this- not needing to change who you essentially are to please others, to fit in, or to not rock the boat.
This is still work in progress for me as I deepen my relationship with myself first.
Intimacy is the next level for our evolution from just being connected to others. It is a deeper quality that we can share with everyone, an honesty and love felt by all. What if all of our relationships were based on intimacy and not just close friendships or family but everyone. Intimacy doesn’t just mean words expressed but also our movements and from our eyes. Our eyes share intimacy with others even if we pass them in the street.
Love your blog Bryony, just had me realise the undermining of our relationships when we overlook the magnificence true intimacy is when felt and shared. It’s great to break the myth that intimacy is only with another when sex is involved. How beautiful to have a relationship with the understanding you have shared, after all if a relationship is to be true it has to be honest and transparent, warts and all.
What an important sharing Bryony. I have always been afraid of opening up with others, What will they really think of me if I speak my truth? Intimacy is a very loving interaction between two people, that feels comfortable. From this comes the ability to share without fear of judgement, who we really are. I agree with your words “And what if truly being ourselves allows another to be all of themselves too?”
There is something very precious in the word intimacy, that has been polluted by its sexualisation. It is something we are all seeking, and yet the opportunity is right there with everyone we meet at any given moment.
At those times when I have just let myself be me and there is that natural intimacy between you and another, your whole body comes alive and you feel rejuvenated and joyful. Whereas holding you back, feels totally unnatural, hard work, extremely tiring, and does not offer any opportunity for either one to know love in motion, our most natural impulse.
” But it’s also our only true way of being in the world and in relationships, and really what the other person wants us to be, too: our true selves, honest and real, warts and all. No hiding.” Warts and all takes a commitment to a relationship with ourselves first, and an awareness of who we are in truth, only then are we aware of what we are hiding and why!
I was the same Bryony, thinking intimacy was just sexual with a partner. Now I feel it’s the space you let yourself feel when alone or the space between you and another, where there’s no expectation, no goal, nothing to do but enjoy it. I personally struggle to let myself feel it as it feels a bit scary because it’s so unfamiliar…. It’s all a journey though so watch this space….! ❤️
Dear Rachel – I love to read this comment and th sentence because you mentioned space, no expectation, no goal, nothing to do but enjoy it. Thank You Bryony for sharing this amazing blog and being so honest – it is worth gold to be ourselves and I more and more get a sense for what and how it is to be me in full. Dear Rachel also the unfamiliarity I can relate, too – the funny thing I discovered is – when it’s there – true intimacy – it is so familiar and the most natural ever. I love also to live this with everyone Felix Kremer 🙂 with love to all of You. Nadine.
It’s funny and also alarming at how foreign being intimate feels and yet we are the intimacy of God, it is quite literally who we all are and yet we’ve turned ourselves into the most dreadful separation imaginable. It’s time to walk ourselves back, truly now is the time to head back, in small numbers initially but eventually in droves, great massive loving droves. Here we go……….
I now look at intimacy as ‘ letting down the barriers’ opening up my awareness to be present, listen, and engage. In the past when meeting another I would have a swag of stories and anecdotes to entertain and distract, I had it covered but really you never got close to knowing me as I didn’t value or appreciate who I was, I needed the facade. It’s so different to bring just me and allow the natural unfolding between us and the intimacy through true open connection to grow. It’s in those moments you actually feel the expansion in true brotherhood.
“What if they reject us or hurt us? What if the world has a meltdown at us finally being ourselves?” These are such imprisoning thoughts that we have. Like putting on a straight jacket, it makes the way we move in life restricted and unnatural.
I can relate to the leading of a double life. It does get quite consuming to live in a calibrated way and almost guarantees others won’t be their full selves with us. Being ourselves does allow others to be themselves.
Recently I started to practice being intimate with everyone I meet. And indeed the feeling of being great friends arises at the moment of connection. As if the lymphatic system lit up like stars in the night.
Thank you Bryony, I loved reading this and loved the way that you outed the intimacy word! I can totally relate to how it can seem loaded with sexual connotations but really in truth it’s not about that but rather how open we are with ourselves and others.
I looked through the definition of intimacy and in this part at the beginning it talks about ‘feeling’ and mentions nothing about it being with another person, “Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together.” We so often think of intimacy being between only 2 people, them being married and it being physical or similar and yet in definition it doesn’t mention any of this but talks of a feeling that you feel closely that returns something together, interesting.
I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with my flatmate that continues to grow every day as we let go of any masks that prevent our love from growing. We truly enjoy the intimacy and going deeper with each other. It has given me a marker that this is the way that I can be with all women and having allowed it with my flatmate it is fast becoming my normal with other women. It feels so natural, lovely and simple.
Great to expose the difference between friendship and intimacy Bryony… people can be friends for years and not know things about each other, whereas intimacy asks for an openness and honesty that allows nothing to be hidden.
One of the reasons we feel strange using the word intimacy is because we all long for intimacy, but the meaning of word has been massively corrupted. Intimacy is simply the expression of love and has nothing whatsoever to do with sex, gossip, exclusionary relationships or any of the other things people attribute to it.
Intimacy is one of many, many if not all words that have been insidiously corrupted with the consequence of separating us from our true loving selves and each other. This form of separation is what the true meaning of evil is. Unimedpedia – http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia is dedicated to exposing how words are corrupted like this and bringing truth back to words and language. Unimedpedia has already covered evil, love, religion, jealousy – many of the words that relate to this blog. We have not done intimacy yet but it is certainly on the list!
Yes, Nicola – Intimacy will be a great addition to http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia
Intimacy is about dropping our layers of protection, so that we stand there in front of another raw and open for them to see and feel all of us. It is something that we inherently all want yet we shy away from it putting up the walls just in case we are going to get hurt. A beautiful sharing Byrony.
I know this feeling of holding back out of fear. I know it so well because it has been my everyday for years and years. And bravery does not begin to describe the strength I have cherished from within myself to start letting people see the all of me that there is to see.
What I really love about your blog is that intimacy has nothing to do with how long you have known another. It can be there in an instant and there are no conditions except the willingness to be completely open and communicate your feelings with the other.
I realized with reading your gorgeous blog that when I use the word intimacy nowadays I always add, ‘not in a sexual way’. The word intimacy has been so bastardized and only used for physical intimacy that I feel like I have to explain.
Intimacy is something we all crave regardless of our gender, our age or where we live. It has a positive impact on our health and wellbeing if we experience it and it reduces stress and tension. If we allow ourselves to connect to another sharing our feelings openly it is effortless and joyful. Let’s make this our focus and the world will change.
Gorgeous way to put it: “It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.” I used to live like this, always looking outside and determining how much and which part of me I would share with the other, instead of staying true to myself and share all the love I could share with everybody by being open, in connection and transparent.
Thank you for the exploration of intimacy. Like love we have made intimacy something we share only with a selected few, but as you describe it is actually something very natural to us – to be open and delicate.
I don’t think we realise at times that we are being different things to different people or in different situations as we have been doing this for so long. I can feel my body going into protection in some situations as i fold my arms and hold my body- it just seems to be natural which it is not of course. Thank you for sharing, Byrony, I am going to be more aware of how I am today and will see what happens!
Understanding that intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual or reserved for ‘one other’ only is a beautiful permission to bring ourselves fully to every interaction – no imposition, just an absolute presence that is holding and non-imposing. Lovely.
I love it when I let down my guard with another, just be me, say what ever I am feeling without being concerned wether they will like me or not…it is so cool and how life can be. I get to know me some more and the other gets to know me too.
Before attending Universal Medicine(UM) presentations when ever I sniffed a skerrick of intimacy between myself and another I would instantly equate that to the physical act of sex and no matter whether man or women that would be the next step. I obviously had no idea what intimacy meant but like most was yearning for it. Thank god for UM who showed me that intimacy first needed to start with myself and then give myself permission to be transparent with another and deeply connect and see them for who they truly are too. No need to jump into bed…what a relief!!
The breakthrough moment for me was when I dropped all personas adopted throughout my life that we drained me and led me to exhaustion and fully accepted all of me, flaws and all. Simply being me in all situations is true liberation and feels wonderful.
I agree Kehinde in fact baring my ‘flaws’ has become one of my strengths and assets. It is something that supports me hugely because I get things that could potentially be seen as ‘mistakes’ of ‘flaws’ up and out and there they are for the world to see and I use them to support me to evolve rather than keep them buried and festering in my body. One way leads to lightness and the other is like swallowing a lead ballon. Throw out the ballast as you go, that’s what I reckon ‘cos then then it can’t bog us down.
Bryony, many of us associated the word intimacy with sexual relationships, another example of a words that has lost its true meaning. Whereas true intimacy is when we fully open up to another without boundaries and allow them to see all of us and in this way we inspire others to be the same.
It’s amazing how a word can conjure up such strong connotations, ones of physical sexual intimacy and embarrassingly ‘intimate’ conversations perhaps. It becomes hard to see it as anything else when the socially excepted meaning is so strongly intrenched, and yet we seem many times the way a word can be divorced from its true meaning. Is it possible to suspend our preconceptions and consider the possibility that intimacy is not inherently sexual or physical, it is not reserved just for a partner or those awkward checkup conversations at the doctors. What is intimacy is a way of being, with yourself and others, where you are open to being honest and transparent about yourself, where you are at, the choices you are making, all of who you are. And in being that way with yourself, you are able to see with no judgement all that another is. Having been on the receiving end of this, there is nothing more amazing than in a moment just where you make eye contact, a few words – nothing huge physically, but you felt seen, met and loved for all you are – how then, could intimacy not be something everyone would want in there life? Intimacy requires an openness to honest, to sharing yourself with others and being willing to truly see them and connect with them. This can be very challenging as good or bad we spend our lives fitting in rather than being ourselves.
It is a beautiful thing to connect with someone and just be yourself, flaws and all. It also allows them to be themselves and accept that none of us are perfect.
Awesome sharing Byrony, I can so relate to a lot of what you shared. I have had a misunderstanding around the word intimacy for most of my life and its great to be open and learn more about it.
Wow Bryony, super stunning blog! I can definitely relate to the “double life” you mention and the unnecessary tension and exhaustion it creates. Choosing to be ourselves, to bring all of ourselves, to all that we do and each person that we meet, gives others the space, and the inspiration to do the same.
‘…allowing myself just to be me without holding back or measuring, was so easy, and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.” – Isn’t it bizarre that we carry on with the idea that simply being ourselves is difficult, when in actual fact it’s super easy and comes totally naturally, if we’re willing to allow it.
I too used to associate the word intimacy with sex and would have never considered that I had intimacy in my life if I was not in a sexual relationship. Now I realize that I had a completely false image of what intimacy was and this realization had freed me
up to develop relationships with lots of people and to just have fun being true to myself within those relationships. The false ideas we have about things really hinder us from being real people with each other.
Bryony what a beautiful, tender and open article, it is almost as if, whilst reading it, it has taken me to a more intimate part deep within myself. You are right, it is true intimacy that we crave and this comes with a deep connection with our own inner most being that we can then share with another, this for me is what true intimacy is all about.
How true this is Bryony, when we hold ourselves back in our relationships with others are we not just saying to others they too can’t be all that they are with us. The more we let down our guard and let go of the pictures we have around being a good friend or intimate with others we begin to open the door to true connection and communication.
“And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?” Being ourselves is like taking a deep breath and it has a domino effect on our lives. The best antidote to freeing ourselves from unnecessary tension and stress is to allow ourselves the greatest pleasure in the world and that is sharing who we are in full without fear. That is where pure joy, fun and intimacy live and I for one love the sound of that. Thank you Bryony for an absolutely beautiful blog.
What a delicious blog to read. Lately I had an experience that was very beautiful and relates very much to what you are saying. I was talking with someone I usually not talk with and it was really beautiful to connect. I can see how this was possible only because I let myself be me and was very open and showing my true interest in what the other had to say. Usually I would not dare to show that as it might make me so vulnerable or seen as interested romantically or something – but that is the trick isn’t it, that intimacy thing you talked about that we are so afraid of yet is the thing we most crave and could have with anyone any day. And it does not mean we have to have to have a romantic relationship with them.
It’s great to be talking about this Bryony. I used to always be afraid of being misinterpreted as I’m naturally affectionate and have been holding this back for most of my life but I’m glad to say the walls have come tumbling down.
It’s wonderful to be on the receiving end when another lets you in and allows you to see all of who they are without the barriers of protection and so easy to respond to that in kind if we’re equally open.
Timeless Bryony. Intimacy, thats the word! Its a natural sense of intimacy that makes connections worthwhile, as when there is no tensions between bodies, no expectations and total acceptance of one another, natural intimacy is expressed!
What a brilliant article, Bryony, thank you. ‘What felt uncomfortable was the idea of opening myself up, being all of me, without hiding or holding back. Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be’ …. I so relate to all that you share here, I have been holding myself back for most of my life. Where DID we get the notion from that intimacy is saved for our sexual partner? Why on earth would we do that when we can be intimate with everyone we meet, openly sharing all of who we are from the inside out. Why save the ‘best china’ for special occasions when we can enjoy it with everyone we meet.
A beautiful blog Byrony.
I have just had a conversation wher I was being all that I am and the difference was noticeable. With this person, I often find myself emotional. But not today. The conversation was easy, it flowed and we shared and we enjoyed.
‘It’s kind of exhausting, like leading a double life, having different versions of myself for different people and different situations.’ I’ve been there and done that. Very exhausting indeed, and if I hadn’t come across Serge Benhayon and his profound and life changing teachings, I would have still been doing it, that is if I had still been alive.
Intimacy – great topic Bryony! How enormously we all miss out by not letting others see who we truly are.
How beautiful expression is when we are connecting with another – there is a delicacy, strength and a confirmation in this movement you speak of.
“The way we expressed to each other was with grace and understanding – like a sort of dance, just sharing whatever was there to be felt and said”.
What a gorgeous sharing Bryony. I am feeling a beautiful depth of intimacy whilst reading your words.
Bryony I love the very real and almost zesty way that you have shared your wisdom.
How much we have bastardised the word intimacy… In its true meaning it is pure, it is a surrender being absolutely open and transparent with ourselves and others, letting them feel and see all of who we are, in our essence.
Some years ago I could not have imagined how intimate I can be today with men without any sexual connotation. It is deeply nurturing, stilling and healing and I wouldn´t want to miss it !
Intimacy is not bound to or defined by physical touch nevertheless, tender physical touch of the skin is an expression of intimacy and gives us a direct sensual experience of it that is well recognised by the body, not least because of our experience as a baby. It seems that we have reduced intimacy to this one expression and because tender touch has become rare and often is reserved for sexual relationships or partnership we may have even forgotten that intimacy is much more than physical.
Intimacy can feel like being naked, i.e. no pretending or protection but allowing oneself to be and be seen by another. The sense of nakedness or vulnerability ceases the more we feel at ease with ourselves, accept who we are with all our glory and imperfection, hence it takes intimacy with ourselves first before we can be intimate with someone else.
‘Intimacy’ is quite laced, with sexual connotations obviously as you mention, but that seems to be a mere symptom as a consequence of something that happens before we then only relate intimacy to sexual interactions. Isn´t or shouldn´t there be a very natural (non-sexual) deep initimacy between a mother/father and a baby to begin with? If so we would know intimacy but then how long will it last through childhood or when would it be lessened? Often fathers withdraw from their daughters when they enter adolescence as they may feel insecure of how to deal with the girl becoming a woman. Is it still appropriate to be physically close, cuddle etc? That might be a moment when the girl gets the impression that as soon as she develops her sexuality intimacy is only reserved to sexual encounters.
I have had the same feeling around the word intimacy and for most of my life, I also thought that it had to do with sex. For me intimacy has now a whole other meaning and has nothing to do with what takes place in the bedroom or that it is only with a partner. For me intimacy is about opening up, letting people in, appreciating others and being vulnerable and honest.
Reading through this blog it seems that what is presented at the end is a key point in us returning to who we truly are and everyone has an equal responsibility to develop intimate relationships first with ourselves and then naturally with everyone throughout our day. “And what if truly being ourselves allows others to be all of themselves, too?”thank you Bryony
Good question. What if truly being ourselves allows others to do the same! Something to definietly ponder on … and change .. allowing and giving ourselves permission to be all that we are .. no holding back, no protective energetic walls put up etc. I feel you hit the nail on the head with this one as well ‘and so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.’ When we don’t allow ourselves to just naturally be and try and calculate how others will see us or analyse how we or others are doing or saying or hold back in expressing and being who we truly are its all very hard unnecessary work and exhausting! I also thought the same as you re intimacy, that this was something sexual and only for partners. I am also starting to learn true intimacy is letting others completely in, no contracting or guards/walls being put up. Writing this I can still feel within there is a part of me that is hesitant the ‘what if I get hurt?’ But I know this is just an illusion and it actually hurts us more if we don’t allow ourselves to be intimate with others.
Living that double life for most has become the only life they know without even know that there is a double aspect to it, our masks become who we are without ever knowing that there is something underneath. But the more we connect to the what is underneath does this double act start to come to the fore of our awareness. The stories and excuses we have built up over the ages play on our fears and the will to be irresponsible and not face the choices we’ve made that led to the shutting down of who we truly are in the first place, but these pictures are portrayed in such a way that it’s us vs the world when it is not. It has been and always will be ‘Have I chosen to be all of me or not?’ What I have come to learn it that it doesn’t matter what is going on around me and the choices others are making because ultimately in the face of all of that I choose to be me in full or not.
Spot on Leigh, worrying what others will think, or enjoining with others and making the excuse not to be yourself in full in just a choice. Allowing yourself to shine in your fullness is a moment by moment choice, and once we know we have the choice, it is our responsibility to up our game and make that true choice, not only to support others but to honour ourselves.
I heard another way to describe intimacy as ‘into – me – you – see’. But we also need to see and be intimate with ourselves, otherwise how can we be intimate with others?
So true sueq2012, as how can we look into another’s eyes and feel a true connection if the other is guarded and protected. The more open we are with ourselves the more this reflects to another, and they begin feel safe to reveal their beautiful essence. After all a baby doesn’t hold back its essence when you look into its eyes does it, a baby accepts all equally, and in us is this essence too we have just constructed an armour in front of it.
“Allowing myself to be truly seen for who I am, not who I think I should be, or think that the other person wants me to be.” Beautiful Bryony. We can have intimacy with anyone, depending on how open we are and how much we are willing to be transparent. As you mention in your article, this is ‘so much less hard work than trying to be a certain way for other people.’
I realise lately why it is that I sometimes feel so exhausted and drained, it is because I am holding back, resisting going to the next level of openness and love. This state of being is not our natural state, one of a contracted, closed heart. I agree, it is hard work not being true to yourself and just a choice, but often this choice based on our past hurts and perceived issues and it is not until we all deal with what is buried deep inside and stop making excuses for them that our true level of intimacy with ourselves and each other will return.
What great blog Bryony! Yes we have the tendency to share just portions of us and see how this goes …but wish to be seen and accepted in full. That does not make any sense. Or?
In fact we are all so sensitive that we know exactly who the other is, where his/her potential lies and how he/she does avoid living it. We can try to hide and we do so very well with a sack of creations, manipulations and well fed illusions in our back, but the only thing we really do is to nat take responsibility about it. So w can stay in our small comfort zone, which is not comfortable at all.
So how would it be to share the whole of us? How is it to present myself open, un-protected and raw? Well, we will find out by doing so. It is just a choice and will come to us anyway – sooner or later. We are made to be connected in full truth – not in a portion, not in not-truth. Beautiful to read here about how it can be for two – and I agree – if it works here, why not with everyone?!
Simple gorgeous Sandra. Imagine if we were like this with everyone, there would be no holding back, no lack of self-worth, no issues or agendas, no jealousies or comparison, just pure love. Sound an impossible dream? No it is not, it is just a returning to who we truly are, and that is what we miss, even though we dare not admit it even to ourselves.
When we share a ‘portion’ of us then we need to look at what that ‘portion’ truly is because if we’re deciding what and how big a portion to share then whatever that portion is, it’s not us. For years I thought that I was showing certain people a big portion of me, only to realise that what I was showing people was a rather distasteful sanitised lump of something that wasn’t me at all. In fact what I was sharing with others had nothing whatsoever to do with me at all and that’s what most of us are doing most of the time.
Gorgeous blog Bryony, thank you for sharing. Intimacy and the word itself has absolutely been linked to physical closeness and something to share only with a partner, but I love what you’ve written about there being the possibility to be intimate with anyone – we just need to open up and not shy away from expressing who we are with another person, ‘warts and all’.
Love this, Bryony. I can very much relate to having spent most of my life measuring people’s responses and trying to make myself be the perfect fit. There is no intimacy with self if we are constantly shape-shifting, in fact it is completely dismissive of our essence and very harmful. It feels great to now finally be able to accept who I am and share that with the world no matter what. And as a result, there is a lot more intimacy in my everyday interactions.
Thank you Bryony and certainly an important conversation to open up. So often we use the word ‘intimacy’ in regards to a sexual relationship because we have got the association and meanings of intimacy and sex so muddled up. How amazing and uplifting to experience such intimacy in a platonic friendship and re-discover the exquisite meaning of the word, to allow another to see all of who you are with no need to hide a part of yourself for fear of judgement, rejection or shame. Its like coming out of the shadows and standing whole and naked in the sun light and it does not mean that we have to be literally naked to have intimacy with another, just completely transparent in our expression and sharing, no holding back. The depth of warmth, connection and love that arises as a consequence is amazing, the ability to meet and be met with complete acceptance and appreciation is the true gift of intimacy, a gift we can all give each other when we truly accept all of who we are and share ourselves openly.
Bryony – this is a gorgeous article to read, I love this; ‘if we’re waiting for permission – for someone else to tell us it’s okay to be ourselves – then it’s like we’re wasting ourselves and our lives’, I can really feel how it is such a waste of life holding ourselves back, trying to be what others want us to be, rather than simply being ourselves, thank you for bringing more awareness to this.
Bryony – you speak of intimacy here – a word that almost comes pre-loaded with this idea of getting physical with someone. We seem to totally dismiss the possibility that being truly intimate, it about connection – is about how open we are with each other, well before it is about anything physical. We seem to have put our guards up so high as to now consider intimacy as just physical and extreme – rather than see it as something we all want and know deeply.
I come back to intimacy. What is it if not a movement of hearts that say yes to their (own) beauty?
Choosing to be less of who we are in a relationship is a calculated way of walking in life; a very specific type of movement.
I had seen the word intimate as being close to someone, but it also came loaded with other ideas and thoughts around sexuality. The more I understand the word the more I can see I have done everything to avoid it. Keeping different parts of me for different people is not being intimate but measuring how much I will allow another to see of me. Thank you for sharing Bryony intimacy in it’s true and full meaning is a word that needs to be brought back into our lives to understand and live it more fully.
I love the word ‘dance’ used here. It is a really appropriate way of describing the kind of movement around the flow of being oneself.
For me intimacy was always associated with sex, which made developing relationships very confusing for me. It resulted in me having sexual relationships that were inappropriate and short-lived or to hold back from opening up and deepening a friendship because of not wishing for a sexual relationship. As not being gay the latter was particularly the case with male friends. The result of this was that I had few friends. However, having since come to understand that sex and intimacy are not synonymous things have greatly changed. I have discovered that I can have feelings of people and I do not have to have sex with them. I can love more than one person at a time. Wow, how amazing is that?
Its interesting that our “normal” is so laced with protection that we belief that intimacy is to open ourselves up to another and that intimacy is something that is established with another. And we all crave this feeling of intimacy, but we also know that we are never satisfied and it is never enough and we are in this endless craving of something we first of all have to have with ourselves. When I understood what intimacy truly is and build a deeper connection to myself this crazy spinning stopped and I started to surrender to myself and with this the protection felt misplaced and more and more transparency unfolds.
This is beautiful Byrony, it just shows how we actually don’t need to know someone very well to open to a deep connection. And as you say it doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship to be intimate.
One day we’ll completely do away with the notion of ‘how well we know another’ because we’ll remember in full that there are, in truth, no others, there’s only Us, The One Glorious United Consciousness of Our Dearest God, Ourselves in Full.
Bryony I find that how intimate I allow myself to be with another has a lot to do with my relationship with myself because I can be very hard with myself when I feel I’ve let myself down. No way do I invite intimacy in these moments, instead I hide away. A bit of a silly game really as I know people would show understanding and compassion or at least not have the same harsh judgement that I dish out to me.
Being all of me can never be a problem. This is what these relationships reflect to us.
A beautiful sharing, thank you Bryony. On reading your blog, I have come to realise that for most of my life I had no idea what true intimacy was. I also thought before that it was all to do with being intimate with my sexual partner with the sexual connotation. My understanding now of true intimacy is so very different and I admit that for most of my life, I was never truly intimate either with myself or with another. I had a big problem with expressing how I felt about things, kept my thoughts to myself, so to speak. But how freeing it is to become really honest with ourselves, face up to all the warts and baggage that we hold, and build that intimacy with ourselves, that is the foundation for being able to be intimate with others. It is still very much a work in progress, but I am loving just how beautiful it can be to be completely open and honest with another, gradually developing that true intimacy that we all crave so much.
Bumping into people who we barely know, yet that we deeply know somehow is a very odd and beautiful experience. No needs, no expectations, just joy.
It is beautiful how you describe the process of opening up to true intimacy and how it can be a step by step process of letting people in and sharing all of you and with this deepening our connection to ourselves and living intimacy not as something we “establish” with another person but a quality we live in and a transparency that is lived 24/7.
“it’s also our only true way of being in the world and in relationships, and really what the other person wants us to be, too: our true selves, honest and real, warts and all. No hiding”. How absolutely true that is Bryony, yet how seldom do we actually act in that true way of being in the world. Intimacy can feel a very intimidating word for so many of us, because of the bastardisation of the meaning of that word into a sexual connotation. True intimacy has to begin with being intimate with ourselves, but even that can be somewhat uneasy. I know I was brought up to not consider myself important to know, it was all about the doing that mattered. It can be a little confronting when we become more intimate with ourselves, we have to face up to all those warts and baggage that we want to hide from others. But how freeing it is when we take the courage to look at it all honestly and accept how we are. Appreciating how amazing we are when we become more intimate with ourselves can also be hard to accept at the beginning. But once we have dealt with accepting intimacy with ourselves, how wonderful it feels to be completely honest and intimate with another. From being a person who was not very fond of women, as I experienced much judgment and back-biting during my teenage years, I have come to a point where I just love being with women now, and am slowly building more ability to be intimate with other women. How wonderful it is to feel able to be our true honest selves with no hiding of anything, getting better all the time.
The amount of energy as you have said Bryony leading multiple relationships is nuts! Why can’t we live like a wooden wagon wheel, it is an intimate relationship, every part is different but accentual to move forward as one?
This is a great blog Briony highlighting true intimacy and what this really means. How we can achieve this and the reality of how we are all living with out this in our daily lives and conversations and ways of being and yet craving it and using other meanings to try and find it. True intimacy can only come if we are this with ourselves first and the way we live and our very movements dictates our connections and relationships with others. A brilliant sharing of the responsibility we all have to be and live fully who we are with true intimacy and love and the world changing impact this will have brought to us with simplicity and understanding.
The word ‘intimacy’ comes with so much baggage but it is a very beautiful word when we start to feel into the true meaning. As I tenderly become more intimate within myself and move in a way that maintains an intimate connection I am able to feel an opening up of intimacy with others to share all that I am.
Thank you Bryony – I loved reading you beautiful blog. I realised that I find it difficult to allow myself to be intimate with myself or with another. The word itself has been bastardised so much so that most people reading my last sentence out of context would assume I am referring to sexual activity.
There is nothing exclusive about true intimacy as when we are truly open to one we naturally find ourselves open to all.
As I read the intro to your blog I was reminded of the feeling of going away for a weekend with girlfriends and the great joy that it was taking time out of our schedules to do this. Often when everyone stops and comes together in this way there is a deeper connection. I don’t yet have this quality in my life with women I interact with daily but would love to hold this all the time- that quality that you have when you holiday or have a weekend away- the ease, the openess and togetherness.
In true intimacy we surprise ourselves in being more than who we thought we were. It’s as if we expand and grow into our true selves and there is a sense of freedom and joy.
If we lived like this with everyone then we would have no war, no fighting, no abuse, no harassment and absolutely no imposition on anyone else including on ourselves, for all that will be superseded by true love and understanding
What an awesome experience and confirmation that people have this natural way of being together in harmony, and from this, both evolve and expand their connection with love. An experience that deconstructs the word ‘intimacy’ as if its only reserved for a man-woman relationship is liberating, bringing the true meaning, quality and lived feeling of ‘intimacy’. The intimacy felt with another woman makes relationships with all other women blossom. How healing is that!
Thankyou Bryony for sharing what you have explored about intimacy. I hadn’t realised how I think others expect me to be was affecting my ability to just be me, but I can see it is. A beautifully inspiring blog to just be me and share that with everyone.
Awesome to talk truly about intimacy and what this means. I was just reflecting earlier this morning how exhausting it is to morph ourselves into adaptable versions for others, holding back from simply being all of who we are with everyone. But what I came back to is the deepening constantly of the intimacy I have with me, knowing me so solidly that when there is that tug to morph and change, I have a solid anchor in myself that brings me back. And that’s a constant and beautiful work in progress, because that foundation we have with ourselves can always deepen, it never stays static. To surrender to this is to surrender to ourselves and in that surrender we find how gorgeous it is to be deeply intimate with the real us.
If we stop talking, if we stop thinking, if we stop rushing about and stressing and let ourselves feel how it is to simply be open and around another human being, we will see that we are so naturally wired to feel this intimacy. Like a river that has been flowing all along, but was covered up by the noise of rushing motorway traffic, a simple beautiful easy flow is revealed that lives between me and you. I absolutely agree Bryony that this is something to savour and a flavour we can know with everyone if we but choose to stop filling and covering up the space where intimacy is designed to live.
Thank you Bryony. Even the word ‘intimacy’ can cause people to put up a shield, so our return to being truly intimate with our loved ones, be they family, friend, or a person we meet at the check out counter, is stacked with some hurdles. But after reading your blog, I’m ready to get started knocking down those hurdles on my way over them.
I’ve also shied away from the word intimacy and in fact intimacy itself. It’s refreshing to feel and understand that intimacy has nothing to do with being sexual – (although this can of course be an expression of connection in appropriate relationships) – but rather just a commitment to being ourselves, firstly with ourselves and then with others.
Thank you Bryony, I loved reading about your discovery around the word ‘intimacy’ and how we have used this to mean something special between a partner or intimate relationship. When really, are we all not wanting all of our relationships, all of the time, to hold the same quality of intimacy? which is really just about letting others in to see you in full, to live transparently as a woman or a man and let the loveliness shine through you for all to see. This is the funny part, when we do allow intimacy what we are allowing is our gorgeousness to flow, our pure selves and our beauty and why on earth would we ever believe we need to hold that back?!
It is so true that we all crave intimacy, we all crave feeling love for ourselves and from others though the words, touch and movements that we share. It is because of the lack of intimacy that exists in our lives that we invest seeking distractions to numb this feeling or avoid the truth of the hurts we feel. We are all deeply and innately sensitive, delicate and tender in essence and when we truly accept this for ourselves and express this with each others freely we will find that our relationships will naturally deepen with a quality that honors who we are and the sacredness that we all are born to live with.
Briony, thank you for your true expression around intimacy. For me it felt like I was reading my own story and this suggests to me that we, you and I were not alone in the belief systems and thoughts that had us blinkered in our expression and perhaps that we were not alone experiencing these debilitating ideals that we had in the past been swimming in in a specific sea of consciousness, and that being definitely not the consciousness of fiery love. So why was it that we succumbed to believing that the almost taboo word ‘intimacy’ was only whispered behind hands covering the mouth in my youth. From recall way back then it seemed that ‘intimacy’ only ever referred to ‘sex’ in all of its’ inglorious conotations, certainly not the awareness of ‘making love’ or true communication from the body, verbal or otherwise. Isn’t verbal/written language the most amazing means of communication, but I am discovering that the true meaning of some words such as ‘intimacy’ had been misaligned, become almost deformed, even bastardized and on some occasions become the reverse of the true meaning. I am in such appreciation of the Teachings of the Ageless Wisdom through Serge Benhayon that have re-introduced truth into our understanding, awareness and connection to the source of all that is wise and all-knowing.
Bryony thank-you for your insight into Intimacy, i can feel from what you describe that all needs and images of what friendship should be have been stripped away and hence what you describe between you feels wonderfully freeing and in this totally honouring of one another.
‘It felt strange and odd feeling so connected with someone I barely knew,’
It’s funny that we usually wait, and test the waters a bit with people. We see how much to bring out and when is a ‘safe’ time. As you expose Bryony, when we connect, we have no reason to withhold anything – despite how long we have ‘known’ someone.
Intimacy is not a dirty word! But far from it! It’s amazing how it has been so bastardised in it’s meaning and inference. Of course intimacy is the most natural thing in the world – in all relationships. Children show us this in the way they relate with each other – no protection, walls or limitations in being themselves with another.
Beautifully shared Bryony. I am discovering that the more I open up to myself to accepting the love I am with honesty and appreciation the more it feels natural to open up to others to let them in by expressing all that I am. This openness to love is reflected through our movements and in all that we do, offering a beautiful opportunity for others feel and connect to this loving quality. As when we can truly feel who we are in essence, we can also feel that we are all of the same essence and it is simply a joy to connect and express the love we feel with each other. As there is an immeasurable amount love to explore and celebrate between us.
Intimacy is a connection and relationship we first have with ourselves before we can truly share it with another. Intimacy is often associated with sex or close encounters though can equally feel uninspired when there is no true connection. True intimacy for me is a heart felt connection shared.
I have observed others and myself bringing different aspects to interactions and have also reflected on what this is about. Is it about what the other is open to and thus that is what we bring or is it that we are afraid of being rejected and so very slowly show just bits of ourselves until it is clear that to share anymore would not be welcome. If I have experienced and can nominate this holding back, then what does it mean for the world we are living in? A massive population of people walking on the earth holding back their love, holding back all they are and have to offer. Today will offer another opportunity for me to bring all that I am to my day and to give permission through my choices to reflect this to all others – it is an amazing and beautiful experience to be with another where there is no holding back. Thanks Bryony for sharing.
Interesting that the word intimacy has been so bastardised… when it is what we so crave. It has become all about being intimate with another, usually sexually as you say Bryony, but it is never about the intimacy we have with ourselves. For how can we be intimate with another if we dont even know how to be intimate with ourselves?
It all starts with the relationship we have with ourselves. I’m realising that it really is the foundation that sets up how everything else will be in our lives: the extent to which we truly love, care for and appreciate ourselves all affects how much love, care and appreciation we have for others.
In my experience it just takes one to make the move to be open and honest and another feels inspired to be so also. It is truly lovely to share out real selves with each other and in intimacy we realise we are all the same in essence while our expressions may differ.
Gorgeous blog Bryony, and poses a very valid question…”“why aren’t I being this way with everyone, when it’s so straightforward and fun? Why am I constantly calculating, reading, assessing and measuring…afraid to be who I really am in case someone reacts?” Why are we afraid to be who we naturally are? Is it fear of what others will think, or is it avoiding the responsibility of knowing once we show ourselves all of us we then have a responsibility to continue being open and honest – and intimate.
It’s crazy that we hold parts of ourselves back, silently measuring what we think is and isn’t ok to show. I’ve played this game many times before and see it played around me daily. The way out of this for me has been to not need people to respond to the full me in a certain way, or not need them to accept it. Also for me to accept that some people may not only reject the full me but they may hate it or attack it because of what it brings up in them, their own holding back. The more I have no expectations of how others respond to me being myself the easier it is to let it out, and fully enjoy it for me first and foremost!
I love how you express the enjoyment Danielle of letting all of you out -so liberating to truly be ourselves. What’s also interesting to feel is how I have rejected people who have been willing to be intimate and open with me in the past, because it felt too much against my own walls of protection. But, there’s a huge difference in feeling where that openness to intimacy is coming from, and whether it’s true: Is it from another’s (or my own) neediness to connect, or from a place where another (or I) am just feeling so connected and expansive that it’s almost impossible to hold it back?
I love how you talk about intimacy and give us a living (and loving) example of how it can play out beyond the norms of what we think it to be. We do crave intimacy and connection to other people and I also love how you bring awareness to how much calculation we do on a daily basis. No wonder energy drinks are going through the roof – this makes us very tired!
Bryony, I love this blog, you ask so many very obvious questions and yet if I’m honest they’re often ones I can avoid, such as showing only parts of me to another, the parts I judge as being acceptable but not all of me, and of course that’s not intimate at all. It’s funny how we can so easily buy into the idea of being one thing to one person and another to another as if we can farm bits of ourselves out and somehow not feel disjointed while we do so. There’s no presence when we do this, we are scattered and people do not get all of us, so no possibility of intimacy, and yet I can often do this, so reading your blog today reminded me to simply be myself, all of myself and see what happens rather than trying to second guess what might or could happen – that is just too exhausting.
Hello Bryony and thank you for your blog around intimacy. Can we really just ‘turn up’ to a conversation and say to ourselves ‘ok now is the time to be intimate, open up and be all of me’? I would say yes and no, yes you can do that and then I would say that no it won’t really be who you truly are. Why?, confused? You are who you are well before you tell yourself anything, in other words the way you live in every moment, your thoughts, words, movements etc all give you your ‘living’ way. So in more words the way you live with everything is with you and this is what will either allow you to be ‘all you are’ or will give you another version of you, perhaps better but a version none the less. So any intimacy you may or may not have with another person first starts with the depth of intimacy you have in your movements, the depth of intimacy you have with yourself. Intimacy is a beautiful word that often gets played around with. Thank you Bryony for bringing some light to all of this.
And thank you Ray for the light you added to the discussion on intimacy. What you say “is it”. This is where it all begins.
Thanks Ray for breaking this down and keeping it so light and simple: it’s how we are in each and every moment that makes up the whole of how we are in our lives. And beautiful to feel that it can be as simple as starting with the depth of intimacy we have in our movements, with our own bodies.