Two days ago, after a missed period in my menstrual cycle I took a pregnancy test that confirmed positive results. I’m pregnant!
Initially I didn’t believe my eyes! And yet when I looked deeply into those eyes in the bathroom mirror I recall feeling absolute love, joy and confirmation for what was ahead.
In this moment I immediately felt everything that this meant and would mean, how my life would change but mostly the huge responsibility that I was saying yes to (which I’ll explain more about) and this felt BIG.
So BIG that instead of staying with the depth in my eyes and the solidness in my confirming gaze, I began to feel racy and a bit anxious about what was ahead. Instead of staying with me in the moment my mind began to wander rapidly and deliver to me a million and one thoughts and doubts.
It was as though I had tapped into a pregnancy consciousness that I see so frequently in many other pregnant women and although I didn’t feel that the thoughts were necessarily true, I was taking them on as my concerns.
Some of those thoughts were:
- Am I really pregnant?
- Will I lose (miscarry) the baby if I don’t live right or I become stressed?
- What support do I have?
- What does this mean in regards to completing my university degree, my workplace, where we live and what money we have?
- Am I going to eat the wrong thing, exercise too much or too little?
- Because we didn’t have a specific plan to get pregnant, have we done the wrong thing?
- How long should I wait to tell people the most amazing news?
And lots of thoughts about my body changing:
- Am I ready to carry a baby, will I become fat or overweight and will I be sore or stretched after birth?
- Will a lowered immune system result in illness?
- Are these symptoms I am experiencing normal?
- Can my partner and I still have sex?
- Will I feel tired or exhausted and override this to work or study?
- How do I keep and nurture my beautiful womanly body and become a mother too?
All of these thoughts (and more) continued through the first couple of days and despite my understanding that such worries and concerns are in reality experienced by many pregnant women, I could not ignore the facts about what I truly felt.
I know in truth that:
- I have a wonderful partner, family and community of support around me and they are behind me one hundred percent
- Becoming pregnant comes with a sense of pure beauty, grace and what a blessing!
- I can drop the pictures or views about my future and how I think things should look or work out. Anything that I truly want to do is always possible
- I can claim in full that I am pregnant whenever I choose and with whomever and I don’t need to worry or have doubts about the future
…and when it comes to trusting my body:
- I have an absolutely amazing and beautiful body!
- I know that my body is my greatest science and wisdom and that it knows exactly what it needs to prepare, clear and to heal itself
- My partner and I make life and our every moment together about making love, so again my body knows when this feels right in the bedroom
- My body really knows exactly what to eat and when; this is the same for exercising and sleeping too (I’ve thoroughly enjoyed choosing foods from a sense of honouring and what feels right)
What a contrast my initial thoughts are to that of my absolute knowing!
The difference I feel between the two comes down to my relationship with me, my readings about what I know is true for me or not and my honouring of this. This way of being with me carries a great responsibility and at times, through any period in life really, we can choose to not want this responsibility. What I’ve discovered is a flood of thoughts and issues, that are there only to distract or numb us from our initial choice, often come up when we are apprehensive in choosing responsibility.
What I have deeply felt at the start of this pregnancy is that I don’t have to do anything perfectly as I have so much to discover and learn along the way (it’s only week 5.5!), but I do have a responsibility to choose to stay and live in a very naturally powerful way – connected to my wisdom, stillness & beauty and in honour of that which I feel. When I picture how I would hold, carry or touch my baby with a quality of exquisite delicateness, I know I am presented with the opportunity that this is exactly how I need to hold and be with me right now, and that’s just what is next.
by Cherise Holt, Nurse, 32, Brisbane, Australia
For Further Inspiration:
How pregnancy brings an opportunity to return to the delicate, sensitive and nurturing women we naturally are and to let go of any need for control and perfection. Follow Robyn Jones on her own personal journey of self-discovery through two pregnancies.
Sharon Gavioli explores the minefield of perceived wisdom that comes through in well-meaning pregnancy ‘should-do’ lists and offers an alternative view – that the quality in which we do those lists – the self-support and self-care – is woefully absent.
Cherise Holt explores motherhood from a position of daughter and brings a fresh perspective on how true mothering comes from within us first.