Two days ago, after a missed period in my menstrual cycle I took a pregnancy test that confirmed positive results. I’m pregnant!
Initially I didn’t believe my eyes! And yet when I looked deeply into those eyes in the bathroom mirror I recall feeling absolute love, joy and confirmation for what was ahead.
In this moment I immediately felt everything that this meant and would mean, how my life would change but mostly the huge responsibility that I was saying yes to (which I’ll explain more about) and this felt BIG.
So BIG that instead of staying with the depth in my eyes and the solidness in my confirming gaze, I began to feel racy and a bit anxious about what was ahead. Instead of staying with me in the moment my mind began to wander rapidly and deliver to me a million and one thoughts and doubts.
It was as though I had tapped into a pregnancy consciousness that I see so frequently in many other pregnant women and although I didn’t feel that the thoughts were necessarily true, I was taking them on as my concerns.
Some of those thoughts were:
- Am I really pregnant?
- Will I lose (miscarry) the baby if I don’t live right or I become stressed?
- What support do I have?
- What does this mean in regards to completing my university degree, my workplace, where we live and what money we have?
- Am I going to eat the wrong thing, exercise too much or too little?
- Because we didn’t have a specific plan to get pregnant, have we done the wrong thing?
- How long should I wait to tell people the most amazing news?
And lots of thoughts about my body changing:
- Am I ready to carry a baby, will I become fat or overweight and will I be sore or stretched after birth?
- Will a lowered immune system result in illness?
- Are these symptoms I am experiencing normal?
- Can my partner and I still have sex?
- Will I feel tired or exhausted and override this to work or study?
- How do I keep and nurture my beautiful womanly body and become a mother too?
All of these thoughts (and more) continued through the first couple of days and despite my understanding that such worries and concerns are in reality experienced by many pregnant women, I could not ignore the facts about what I truly felt.
I know in truth that:
- I have a wonderful partner, family and community of support around me and they are behind me one hundred percent
- Becoming pregnant comes with a sense of pure beauty, grace and what a blessing!
- I can drop the pictures or views about my future and how I think things should look or work out. Anything that I truly want to do is always possible
- I can claim in full that I am pregnant whenever I choose and with whomever and I don’t need to worry or have doubts about the future
…and when it comes to trusting my body:
- I have an absolutely amazing and beautiful body!
- I know that my body is my greatest science and wisdom and that it knows exactly what it needs to prepare, clear and to heal itself
- My partner and I make life and our every moment together about making love, so again my body knows when this feels right in the bedroom
- My body really knows exactly what to eat and when; this is the same for exercising and sleeping too (I’ve thoroughly enjoyed choosing foods from a sense of honouring and what feels right)
What a contrast my initial thoughts are to that of my absolute knowing!
The difference I feel between the two comes down to my relationship with me, my readings about what I know is true for me or not and my honouring of this. This way of being with me carries a great responsibility and at times, through any period in life really, we can choose to not want this responsibility. What I’ve discovered is a flood of thoughts and issues, that are there only to distract or numb us from our initial choice, often come up when we are apprehensive in choosing responsibility.
What I have deeply felt at the start of this pregnancy is that I don’t have to do anything perfectly as I have so much to discover and learn along the way (it’s only week 5.5!), but I do have a responsibility to choose to stay and live in a very naturally powerful way – connected to my wisdom, stillness & beauty and in honour of that which I feel. When I picture how I would hold, carry or touch my baby with a quality of exquisite delicateness, I know I am presented with the opportunity that this is exactly how I need to hold and be with me right now, and that’s just what is next.
by Cherise Holt, Nurse, 32, Brisbane, Australia
For Further Inspiration:
Sharon Gavioli explores the minefield of perceived wisdom that comes through in well-meaning pregnancy ‘should-do’ lists and offers an alternative view – that the quality in which we do those lists – the self-support and self-care – is woefully absent.
Cherise Holt explores motherhood from a position of daughter and brings a fresh perspective on how true mothering comes from within us first.
Women in Livingness Blog 
The depth and beauty that we hold within can be such that we shy away from it if we are not ready to fully embrace the power on offer. And it is our most natural way to be. How far have we strayed from this and yet yearn for it deep within?
How we are in this moment is what prepares us for the next moment.
Wow this is GOLD: “This way of being with me carries a great responsibility and at times, through any period in life really, we can choose to not want this responsibility. What I’ve discovered is a flood of thoughts and issues, that are there only to distract or numb us from our initial choice, often come up when we are apprehensive in choosing responsibility.” – Responsibility is about the true response we can offer in any situation and any opportunity in order to evolve ourselves and the other.
With what you experienced with pregnancy I’d say it’s quite common for people to lose that initial sense of connection and celebration for various situations in life, and allow that cascade of thoughts that bring doubt, anxiousness, and erode our natural confidence and knowing. “I don’t have to do anything perfectly as I have so much to discover and learn along the way”. All the pictures we have really get in the way of what’s there to unfold naturally and as you say, not meet any image of perfection but just trust ourselves and our inner knowing and learn as we go.
There is such a stark difference between the questions and pictures we can get lost in, in our minds, compared to the steady stillness of our inner knowing and wisdom. We always have a choice: react to what we feel and go into a panic, or observe what is going on within and around us, appreciating the steadiness and consistency that this observation supports us to connect to, from within.
Being pregnant is to feel the potential of all that a new life brings.
Wow how refreshing to read we don’t need to do anything perfectly, many many of us set ourselves up to fail with pictures of how things should look like.
Yes, it is amazing how we can get flooded with thoughts at times in our lives, whereas our body always has an absolute knowing.
When we get pregnant it seems as though the mind is flooded with all sorts of thoughts to have us doubt what we feel and then go and seek out ‘expert’ opinions. If anything during the time of pregnancy things seem clearer.
Thank you Cherise for sharing this beautiful testimony of how living in a relationship with ourselves that is in honor of our connection to our body and being, we are far more settled and confident in knowing that there is an intelligence and wisdom is our bodies that will guide us to know what is needed and what will support us best. There is no truer guide that we could wish for.
Our bodies are our greatest friend, they’re the honest one that we may not always want to listen to and of course, the one that never leaves. So, we may as well make good friends and listen to what is being communicated.
So true Viktoria – our bodies know us better than anyone, anything or any idea of what we should or should not do. Truth on tap 24/7.
The lived integrity of every word you have written in this comment Carola is astonishing. Truth on tap 24/7 – I love that. But how much do we want to run this tap and have ourselves a nice hot bath, or do we prefer to turn the hot water down, add some cold water and swim in our pool of comfort?
Absolutely love what you have shared here Viktoria – our body is our greatest friend and never lies. So why is it that we don’t make it a priority to listen to it and heed its messages?
Could it be that this asks of us a deeper responsibility yet, that we resist going to?
“I do have a responsibility to choose to stay and live in a very naturally powerful way – connected to my wisdom, stillness & beauty and in honour of that which I feel.” Yes so true, we have a responsibility to stay connected and honour what we feel, but I know for me the mind can come in and try to confuse things and make things complicated. Stay with loving thoughts and with what our body shows us, and we will no longer want to question what is naturally there for us to know.
This is so supportive to share the doubting thoughts that invade our minds to try and make us question our inner knowing that is there to be connected to at any time.
What you say about claiming your pregnancy is so inspiring. When you are pregnant there are so many fears and doubts that can knock at the door – very much part of the pregnancy consciousness you mentioned at the beginning. I’ve enjoyed telling people about my pregnancy early on and it has been wonderful to claim it. If the pregnancy did end without the birth of a baby I would share this also. I know my experience would support others and miscarriage, termination and stillbirth is something that we could all talk about more.
Beautiful Cherise. Becoming pregnant is an amazing opportunity in itself to go deeper with ourselves, as father or mother. There is so much out there that wants to complicate our simple joy. It’s our job not to buy in. And this never ends.
Yes, Joseph that is exactly how and what it is ‘There is so much out there that wants to complicate our simple joy. It’s our job not to buy in.’ It is our job to keep it simple and live the joy.
“When I picture how I would hold, carry or touch my baby with a quality of exquisite delicateness, I know I am presented with the opportunity that this is exactly how I need to hold and be with me right now, and that’s just what is next.” This is exquisite and should be on the front page of every antenatal handbook.
‘I can drop the pictures or views about my future and how I think things should look or work out. Anything that I truly want to do is always possible.’ Sound advice even if we are not pregnant!