My Third Trimester of Pregnancy & Giving Birth – Surrendering to Being Vulnerable as a Woman

The first two trimesters – Letting go of Control and Perfection of pregnancy for me were a time of new beginnings, with the opportunity to feel what was in the way of me being able to more deeply embrace the womanly quality of stillness I naturally have. I found that during my first trimester my need for perfection was revealed, and after releasing as much of this need as I was able to, I began to see moving into my second trimester of pregnancy that it was about letting go of my need to control others and my environment.

So as I headed into my third trimester without this incessant quest for perfection or the overriding drive to control in order to ‘protect’ myself, what was being uncovered was my natural tenderness in being vulnerable.

My Miscarriage – Embracing the Loss and Developing a Richer Awareness of Motherhood

Losing a baby through miscarriage can bring up so many feelings. When I miscarried my first child at only one month, a month that has left a lasting legacy to this day, the fact that it was so early didn’t really change the intensity of the emotion.

I remember feeling the profundity of the miracle of being pregnant; I felt very connected and still, and had the deep sense that we are so much more than our physicality. It was an amazing experience to feel so connected to this unborn child. I knew within days of conception that I was pregnant and that I was pregnant with a girl. I already knew her name. I could feel her beauty, her joy, her strength and her grace. When I was pregnant with her, whilst I was holding her preciously she was also doing the same for me. Throughout the pregnancy I was able to connect to and sustain my exquisite stillness that as a woman I naturally possess; I also felt more connected to everything around me. My senses were heightened and more receptive and everything looked and felt lighter, sharper, richer and more colourful.

Getting Lost in Mothering

I wanted to be a mother from as early as I can remember.

This was not due to seeing my mum love being a mum, it was that I felt I would be good at it and that it would be great to be able to love something I created. Well, my childhood wish came true and I ended up being totally lost in mothering my seven children – yes you read correctly, it was the wish that kept on giving.

In being caught up in fulfilling my childhood belief that I would be a good mother, I lost my connection to the fact that I am a woman before I am anything else for anyone else.

Me and my Menstrual Cycle: Connecting to my Body and Myself as a Woman

I am a 43 year-young woman and for most of my life I have had no relationship with my menstrual cycle. At some point, I found out that there was such a thing as ‘menstruation’ and at the age of 14, wearing white pants on that particular day (how convenient…), it started for me in the toilet at school. I had my first menstruation and I had no idea what to do. I felt awkward and embarrassed, especially because it was on a day that my father picked me up and suggested we go for a long walk with the dogs. That was the longest walk of my life. I asked my two older sisters for support and I was introduced into the world of sanitary pads. And having my monthly period.

And so my life continued…

At the age of 16 I had my first boyfriend and my mother suggested taking the pill. Not because I had difficulties with my period, but for birth control. After that, for many years to follow, and having several relationships, I took the pill, had my monthly ‘fake’ menstruation, put in a tampon (so much more convenient than those big sanitary towel ‘mattresses’), and I lived my life; A life without any connection to my cycle, my body, my uterus, my ovaries, my breasts, my menstruation, my ovulation – in other words, to the fact that I was a woman, with a menstrual cycle.

I never took a moment to ask myself what it actually means to be a woman, let alone what it means to live as a woman.

The True Beauty of Pregnancy – Embracing the Stillness of a Woman

Pregnancy is a time of new beginnings and not just because there is a new person growing and developing inside. The true beauty of pregnancy is that it offers the opportunity for a deep change to take place in the way we live as women. A change that is initiated from deep within and supported by all that is offered during pregnancy.

Pregnancy is a time for us, as women, to experience ourselves more deeply as the delicate, sensitive and nurturing women we naturally are.

I have had the opportunity to be pregnant twice and from these pregnancies I now have two amazing daughters. Each time I learnt a profound amount about how I was living as a woman leading up to each pregnancy and the changes that were needed as each one progressed.

Preventing Breast Cancer – Changing How We Feel About Our Bodies

Having lived through breast cancer I now truly know that ‘prevention is better than a cure’, and the way forward in terms of preventing breast cancer and indeed all illness and disease has to be; changing how we feel about our bodies and embracing, acknowledging and appreciating how very precious and tender yet powerful they truly are. Honesty is the first step. Having discovered for myself the powerful medicine honesty is, I can share from my own experience with breast cancer and say without any hesitation:

I created my own illness from the choices I made on a daily basis.

A powerful statement, powerful in its honesty, and which had a powerful, remarkable impact on my treatment and recovery. By all considerations I was a healthy woman, I did lots of yoga, and did not smoke, rarely drank and was not overweight. So how did I create my own illness?

Bringing my “Be Sexy” back with Sacred Women’s Movement

In the past I have accepted that how I behave is who I am, deeming myself to be a good person or bad person dependent on how society views this behavior. I felt I was extremely bad and gross if I in any way found myself, or anyone else for that matter, to be ‘sexy’. I related being sexy to being sexual and if I were to feel and act sexy then I was trying to impose it onto someone.

All of this changed for me after attending Natalie Benhayon’s Sacred Women’s Movement classes. This led me to explore and find other false beliefs I wasn’t aware I had around what it meant to be sexy. Some of these beliefs I came to shine some truth on were:

• Being sexy is a form of leading men on and giving them the wrong idea
• Being sexy is a sexual act
• Being sexy is related to sex
• Being sexy is shameful and cheap
• Being sexy is attention seeking, neediness, trying to suck people into my web
• To be sexy and playful meant I was trying to be sexually attractive or sexual towards someone
• And what loaded this belief was the additional belief I had that sex is bad.