A little while ago I connected to the hardness and tension in my body that I have felt many times before, yet had not ever connected this to the fact that it was there because I was feeling unsure of myself and holding-in the true woman I am.
I began to feel the details of what I am actually hardening myself against.
First of all there is a general feeling of a lack of confidence and being unsure in many situations. Unsure as to how to respond to the situation at hand, unsure because I may not understand what the other person is saying and unsure because what I feel to say may upset the person or people I am speaking with.
Yes you read correct I GIVE POWER TO BEING UNSURE OF MYSELF. Yet in truth if I allow myself to feel underneath the unsureness, there is simply a steadiness of love that is always waiting and willing to be spoken, it is up to me to give voice to this love.
So how am I coming to terms with this old pattern and how am I beginning to change it?
If I don’t understand what another is telling me, I say so. Once upon a time the unsureness and nervousness in my body would have assumed I knew what they wanted, this I would then do – only to find myself in trouble, as it was not what was asked of me. Now though if I don’t understand, I stand steady and ask for more clarity. Sometimes others get frustrated in having to explain things again, other times when I ask, the other person can see that what was said didn’t make sense.
If I am feeling unsure of myself and how to respond to a situation, I have come to understand that this is because I have reacted and taken something personally.
By going into reaction I am no longer connected to the true woman that I am.
The knack of recognising when I have reacted is taking a little refining, yet the moment that I do, I immediately choose to feel my feet on the floor – I am connected to my body once again and in this connection I can begin to feel the truth of the situation, to understand what is going on for both myself and those around me. This is the greatest support as I can then respond with the fullness of my body and a tenderness that would not be possible if I had taken something personally and gone into reaction and defence.
When I respond from my tenderness, it doesn’t mean that what I say is wishy washy, in fact much of what I say from my tenderness is steady, strong and held with a conviction that what I have to say, holds merit.
The other part of the feeling unsure of myself was the fear of upsetting others with what I had to say. It has been strongly embedded in my upbringing that we have to all “get on” and in this getting on with others I have been taught to “not rock the boat”, and to “hold my tongue”. It no longer feels right to hold back what I have to say and it is becoming easier for me to speak up in sticky situations. In doing this there are times where I feel the anger, annoyance or sometimes downright rage and attack that can come at me, – for when a truth is spoken that others can feel is true, but have not chosen for themselves, they can react and be rather harsh with their response. Holding my connection and presence to my body in these situations can be difficult. However, knowing from the depth of my being that what I have to say is important and worth saying, is supporting me in these situations.
This awareness has been very poignant for me.
It has highlighted that it doesn’t matter what is happening around me, as it is not the event or situation that makes me harden, but my choice to not hold myself as the truly beautiful, vital, loving, sacred woman I am and have started to experience.
I had been holding back the full woman that I am to protect myself in the wake of what is going on, in an attempt to not feel, what in truth I cannot but feel.
This has shown me deeply that by stopping and being aware of my body and my inner essence within, and letting go of the many beliefs that I have held around how I have to be with others (essentially surrendering to the true woman I am) is the only way to release the hardness and tension that is held in my body. I have begun to live this understanding, and choose it more and more every day.
From feeling unsure of myself to choosing to surrender to the true woman that I am is the most beautiful feeling that I have ever felt in all the days that I have lived. Yes all of the above can be challenging, yet to not keep surrendering to who I am hurts far more than anything else that comes at me. So even though I have not yet fully stepped into living surrendered all of the time, I am choosing to do so more and more and the more that I do, the easier it is to bring out the woman I truly am.
I am a beautiful, articulate, tender, loving, honouring, supportive woman and I hold within me a sacred wisdom that is not for me alone, but is for all and therefore to not live this is not only harmful to me, but the world misses out on the beauty, steadiness and love that I bring.
by Leigh Strack, Eungella, Queensland
You may also enjoy:
A True Woman: Surrendering To My Tenderness by Paula Steffensen
Henrietta Chang’s blog on fleeing Iran and saying ‘no’ to the abuse and embracing a life with more tenderness