From Feeling Unsure of Myself to Surrendering to the Woman I am

A little while ago I connected to the hardness and tension in my body that I have felt many times before, yet had not ever connected this to the fact that it was there because I was feeling unsure of myself and holding-in the true woman I am.

I began to feel the details of what I am actually hardening myself against.

First of all there is a general feeling of a lack of confidence and being unsure in many situations. Unsure as to how to respond to the situation at hand, unsure because I may not understand what the other person is saying and unsure because what I feel to say may upset the person or people I am speaking with.

Yes you read correct I GIVE POWER TO BEING UNSURE OF MYSELF. Yet in truth if I allow myself to feel underneath the unsureness, there is simply a steadiness of love that is always waiting and willing to be spoken, it is up to me to give voice to this love.

So how am I coming to terms with this old pattern and how am I beginning to change it?

Walking with my Awesomeness: Connecting to myself and the World as a Woman

I was on my walk this morning, and as I walked steadily, a deep warmth circulated up my spine. I checked in with myself, feeling into it more, while continuing to walk in presence. What came was a feeling of true power in my steps, a new level of intimacy I have with my body. With walking as part of my consistent daily routine, the level of connection felt with my body has deepened. The power that I am feeling is one, which I have chosen now to live, devotedly connected to this body. The connection with my body is something I have ignored for a long time, until recently.

So this morning as I was feeling in Love and in Joy with myself and in my every step, I felt the whole world walking with me. At that moment I was aware that someone was looking at me — a man, standing at a nearby bus stop.

My True Tenderness and Delicateness – a Fresh Look at True Gender Equality

My recent experience with a job via an employment agency revealed to me how many ideals and beliefs we as a society have around gender equality. It also revealed to me how much my ideals and beliefs about that have changed since attending courses and workshops held by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in understanding what true gender equality really is.

The work I had to do in this particular job was stacking boxes and filling them full of brochures that were quite heavy. It also incorporated a lot of bending and lifting things from the ground.

I felt amazed that they hired a woman to do this job in the first place.

I just knew that if I had known that this was the job I would have said no thanks, my body is just not built for that!

I could feel how extremely tender and delicate my body was and is, and that lifting all these heavy boxes was so against what felt natural to my body.

My Appreciation of the Woman I am

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and was so blown away by what I saw. The words were out there in the room before I could stop them – ‘OMG I am so hot I don’t know why this mirror isn’t bursting into flames’. I suspect that this is the result of the growing appreciation of myself as the woman I am and the refusal to allow self-critical or self-bashing thoughts to invade my days. This has not always been the case.

Self-loathing and self-criticism

I have a history of an abusive childhood and in the past used to look into any mirror with dismay, anger and criticism, searching for faults and nodding my head when I saw them, seeking confirmation that I wasn’t what I should be.

What did I think I should be? Everything that wasn’t who I am.

I wanted: A different build, height, hair colour, less weight with no wrinkles, no saggy bits and no drooping bits.

Breast Cancer – Prevention Has To Be Better Than A Cure

In the media there has been a lot of coverage on breast cancer, mastectomy and the ‘very few choices’ a woman has when diagnosed. It feels there is no time like now to look at how prevention is better than a cure and how more choices become available when we come back to honesty, and truly listen to our bodies.

A simple question perhaps we should address is:

What do we women need to change in order to prevent a diagnosis of breast cancer in the first place, so that we never have to face the possibility of a mastectomy, or taking drugs like Tamoxifen to prevent a mastectomy (not forgetting that there are side effects that come with this drug)?

Where do we begin? The answer appears obvious….

We have to look at ourselves, in how we are living on a daily basis and the choices we are making, in the knowing that every choice we make has a consequence and catches up with us at some point.

Accepting Ourselves and our Bodies: an Expression of True Beauty

A while ago I saw a cute cropped top in a clothing store that I wanted to get. It wasn’t something I would usually feel drawn to, but I felt differently this time. This top is very simple, cut in from the shoulders and sitting slightly above my belly button. Usually I would think these tops looked too cute, too young, and I would just walk away. But to be more honest, I would not wear these tops because I felt they exposed too much of what I judged to be my weakness – my boniness.

I decided to get the top.

The first time I wore it, I was self-conscious. The top was loose on my body, and it was an extra small size! So I wore a cardigan on top of it. I went through in my head everything I could think of to fix the top so I could better accept myself. It was crazy.

Being a Woman: Developing my own Self-Worth

I entered my adult life anticipating that I would meet the ‘one’ and have my own family. This picture was firmly set from a young age. It was what being a woman was all about, unless you were unfortunate and ended up as a spinster – on the shelf…

“In modern everyday English, spinster cannot be used to mean simply ‘unmarried woman’; it is now always a derogatory term, referring or alluding to a stereotype of an older woman who is unmarried, childless, prissy, and repressed.”¹

The term ‘spinster’ came with such a loaded image of an unattractive, miserable and lonely woman. It was to be avoided at all costs and remaining single wasn’t an option on my checklist for life. Instead, finding ‘the one’ and having a family would mean that I’d made it … or would it?