Dating and Finding True Love in Singapore, Hong Kong, London, Sydney…or Anywhere

No matter which side of the hemisphere we live in or nationality we’re from, dating and finding true love continues to be a global ache or tension. Where we live makes no difference at all and yet so many of us to a degree cling onto a belief, minor hope or big dream that by moving abroad or finding an expat, this ache will be eased and provide the love that’s missing ‘back home’. Though when this doesn’t occur, are we willing to step back and take a look at ourselves, or do we leave the country, taking the disillusioned ‘love-hope’ with us onto our next destination?

Comparison and Checklists

Having moved from London to Singapore, what’s become pronounced to me is just how our ache in finding true love is identically in both countries being exacerbated by:

  1. Subtle undercurrents of competition, comparison, and resentment notably with our looks, dress sense, skin, eye or hair colour, nationality, or another’s partner, relationship or marriage . . . and with this –
  1. The many ‘cushioning checklists’ secretly coveted; what potential partners or husbands might do for a job and their position or title; the available cash and credit cards; brand of car; residing condo or neighbourhood, and country club membership. In other words, the security a partner is able to provide [us] for the future.

But all these only create and fuel tension, and instead of the enjoyment or light-hearted fun that dating and finding true love can be, it’s dulled with intensity and anxiousness. And it doesn’t really matter which country we’re in, whether we are single and dating, in a relationship or married, an expat, a girl from the west (‘ang-moh’), Sarong Party Girl (‘SPG’) or traditional Asian woman from the east, the real depth and innate natural beauty of us as a woman is remaining deeply spoiled. 

The Question of LOVE

Which brings us to LOVE: if we can relate to having some sort of tension, however subtle, is it worth reflecting on –

  • Who are we really loving the person or their checklist?
  • How exactly are we loving is it from the real-natural-us, or the us spoiled by the subtlety of comparison, competition or resentment?

And so

  • What type of love is it that we are receivingdoes it reflect the beauty of true love or is it more a convenience, a mutual contract or a supply and demand ‘security-for-beauty’ arrangement?

Are we really, honestly and truly having, enjoying and finding true Love in our lives?

And maybe if not, to feel true love’s vacancy, knowing deep down that we deserve to have this, be adored and cherished not for how we might look, our nationality or background we’re from, but instead for the woman we are, is the real or deeper tension that we carry. But first, do we enjoy being who we are, the woman we are?  In other words: are we truly loving ourselves before wanting another to love us? Finding True Love begins with self-love Love is truly enjoying, loving and deeply caring for ourselves and accepting this as our natural way without compromise – and not just because we’d like a date, need excitement, don’t want to feel lonely, or already have a partner to take care of us. Even feel confident as a woman with a man by our side. Feeling complete only when we have a partner means we feel incomplete or not full to begin with – but isn’t true Love something that’s already full, not half empty at the start?

How amazing if the fullness we can bring out in ourselves, is then celebrated within a relationship.

Equally amazing would be if this true Love led our relationships, rather than the love of checklists and ‘needs’, or with one person leading and the other always following. Wouldn’t this lead to a more true equality in relationship, and isn’t this worth finding and having? So when looking for love, we might say that the potential of finding true Love isn’t found anywhere in the potential of a partner’s checklist. It’s found in their potential to love themselves first and with this equally us as their partner.

A Self-Completed Woman Leads The Way to LOVE.

So what if?

  • What we look for in another is just a reflection of the love that is already within us rather than looking for what we don’t have in ourselves and asking another to provide or fill?
  • We receive the true love we desire and deserve in our lives by being this true love first, self-completed?
  • We let our Love inspire another to be this same Love too, and enjoy a true equal partnership that is without the drain of filling others’ expectations, criteria or checklists?

When we stop the search for love in looking outside ourselves to find it in a date, ‘window shopping’ or an affair, and instead start to look within, we may see that finding the true love we seek is already there within us whether we’re in Singapore, Hong Kong, London, Sydney…or anywhere!

By Zofia, Asia

You may also enjoy:
The Adventure of Dating by Karin Becker
Finding the One – The Waltz of Romantic Idealism by Coleen Hensley

729 thoughts on “Dating and Finding True Love in Singapore, Hong Kong, London, Sydney…or Anywhere

  1. Dropping expectation that we can put on someone is the most freeing thing we can do for them and ourselves.

  2. When we approach any relationship from the love that we innately feel in ourselves then we do not need another to complete us – such a contrast to all the pictures we are sold from very young which are always at the expense of our connection with ourselves. Here’s to growing our self-completion and reflecting that to others.

  3. I saw a Facebook quote the other day that really made me laugh it said yo love yourself because you would spend the rest of your life with you. The ridiculousness of putting all the energy into another person to spend your life with at the expense of the relationship with yourself was very clear. I love it when humour illuminates its very very healing.

  4. We are sold a dream that to find true love we ought to find the perfect partner who will bring it to us. So the constant search for the one is forever growing, we go on dates with huge expectations, we start relationships which seem “picture perfect” only to find that all of that is not enough. Like you say Zofia, to find true love we ought to look on the inside first.

  5. I was exploring a dating site recently and made it very clear to myself what I didn’t want was an ‘affection transactional arrangement’ with another. Whereby I tick your boxes and needs and you do the same for me for as long as we can tolerate. But then the question came “So then how do you explain that you don’t want that in a relationship?” and this blog brilliantly summed it up: A relationship whereby I love myself and celebrate this with another who loves themselves. Both imperfect but committed to ourselves first.

    1. That commitment to ourselves first is everything.. if we don’t have that, then we are forever at the mercy of how another feels about us, outsourcing our sense of self-worth and demanding it from them.

  6. It is important to ask if we fall in love with the checklist of what we think we need in a partner, or if there is true love. I recall that checklist just being the norm as I was growing up. It offered a false way of appearing to have worth by not compromising on the must haves on the checklist, but it is actually a list of conditions that excludes real love, which is unconditional.

  7. Learning to love ourselves first is the answer to all relationships without this as a foundation we cannot truly love another or allow another to truly love us, for we will always be searching for that missing piece, and left wanting, rather than embracing in full the potential of the realtionship that is being offered to us.

    1. Absolutely, building a foundation of love for ourselves is an important step for us to then be able to have truly loving relationships with others.

  8. Very wise words Zofia. Seeking love outside ourselves does not work. Love is within us all and once we have reconnected with it, life reflects this reconnection back to us and to others. Two people seeking love will never find it in each other. We have to come into relationship with others knowing the love that we innately are – then we can have a truly loving connection.

  9. I reckon that sometimes even though it may not feel like love, we accept being in certain relationships anyway, perhaps because this is better than being alone, or perhaps it is due to desire and attraction. however, I feel that the reason is not so important as it is the willingness to settle for nothing less than love that can truly and genuinely transform life.

    1. When we nourish the love within us we do not have the same neediness of desperately searching for it in another.

  10. This makes so much sense, we can put such unfair demands on another, ‘What we look for in another is just a reflection of the love that is already within us rather than looking for what we don’t have in ourselves and asking another to provide or fill?

  11. ‘The true love we seek is already there within us.’ Very true Zofia, otherwise we seek love from an emptiness and a neediness for the other to make us feel ok – not a recipe for long lasting love.

  12. It doesn’t matter where we are in the world we always have the opportunity to commit to truly loving ourselves which is then reflected back to us from others. We cannot miss out this crucial stage but we often take many years to realise this.

  13. I love the term “self-completed” – it feels to me like it removes the imposition we place on the world, because while we are always a work in progress – could it be our responsibility to take into the world a loving and self-completed relationship with ourselves so that demand is not placed on those around us?

  14. This is so true Zofia and what you have presented here offers us all that opportunity to consider that we all hold within the all love we could ever hope for, or seek fullfill us. And when we allow, as you have said, this Love to lead us it is then we begin to develop, relfect and share open, honest and truly loving relationships.

  15. We are the love that we yearn for. There are no borders and divides that can keep it out except the ones we erect to keep it ‘safely’ in.

  16. There are literally millions and millions of people actively searching for love on dating websites, globally this is a massive movement of people all projecting there ideas and wants onto a computer screen and hoping for the best results.
    Yet Love can truly only be found once one has opened their heart to their own inner love.

  17. Everything fills with pictures and anxiousness of how something should be. Best to get really comfortable with being ourselves and sharing that out.

  18. When we know love we also know when we are approached with love and can respond in full. That may lead to something further but is very fulfilling in that moment already.

  19. “When we stop the search for love in looking outside ourselves to find it in a date, ‘window shopping’ or an affair, and instead start to look within, we may see that finding the true love we seek is already there within us” So true Zofia in fact until we do take note of the love that is already there inside and claim it as our own we will be forever looking. True love will always be found when we let whats inside out.

  20. You can be in a loving relationship but can still feel empty and unloved if you are not being truly loving to yourself first.

  21. When we expect a relationship to fill a need in ourselves we are setting ourselves up for disappointment but when we choose to build a relationship of love with ourselves we meet others as equals with no ‘need’ to make us feel complete.

    1. I agree. We can postpone our awareness of that disappointment for a long time but it is always there in my experience.

  22. There is nothing in this world that can compare, to the grace, wisdom and understanding we can bring ourselves. We all know how to do it as you beautifully show Zofia, but there are just some things we don’t want to feel and so it seems we choose to let the unloving energy in. The more we embrace and allow our awareness, the greater the Love that is there. Thank you.

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