Bad Hair Cut, Bad Hair Day, Bed-Hair – Bad me?

About six months ago I went to the hairdressers, my normal hairstylist was off sick and so I was allocated a stylist I’d not had before. He asked what I wanted done and I explained how I usually had it and he started to cut with vigor, the longer it went on the more worried I got but he was so confident I thought ‘he must know what he’s doing’. When it comes to drying my hair I usually just scrunch it and leave it dry, but he asked me to bend my head over so he could dry it upside down, by this time I was super worried, when I lifted my head up I had one big afro. He then patted it, tweaked it and hair-sprayed it until I was hit by the realization that he’d given me an old ladies hair do. I was horrified!

The cut was such that it reacted to every wave and kink, curling in ways that the style did not intend, but my hair took it there regardless. Clearly this guy did not take the time to notice all the kinks and curls I have already, but cut to some style he had in his head as being ‘universal’ and ‘one size fits all’.

As I sat in front of the mirror and fully took in what I considered to be, the mess of my hair, I realized that it would take six months to grow out and there was nothing to be done, I was stuck with it. I could feel that I had started to shut myself down as a woman. My thoughts ran along like ‘How can any woman have a hair do like that!’ and ‘That’s more like a man’s hair cut than a woman’s’. With that thought I brought myself up short and said:

‘No! No bad hair-do is going to define me as a woman. I am far more and far greater than any bad hair day, even if the bad hair day goes on for six months or a year, or ten years’.

Immediately I chose to re-connect with my own tenderness and the gentleness of my own breath. The hardness with which I had judged myself started to melt and my appreciation of myself as a beautiful fragile woman filled my body. Connecting with my tender innermost me, I knew with every cell in my body that I am far more than any bad haircut can affect.

I could see just how attached and identified I have been to my hair, believing that my value of me as a woman is related to my hair. This is so far from the truth it’s laughable.

Until recently, I had a hairstyle that I meticulously straightened every morning until each hair was in perfect place. I did this year after year until my hair started to damage so much that I knew I had to stop or else end up with bald patches. I went au natural – with the support of a range of hair products!

But no hair products were going to change this bad haircut, and it was only me that was defining it as such in any case. No one screamed in horror when I went back into work afterwards, or gasped as I walked through town. It was just me who had judged it as bad. And just as easily, I refused to accept a view of myself as being bad, wrong or less than I was before.

The following morning, looking at my ‘bad hair cut’ with bed-head, the greatest thing I discovered was that there is nothing outside of me that can determine just how amazing, beauty-full and gorgeous I am as a woman. This is not to blow my own trumpet or make me out to be better than anyone else or even ‘rah-rah’ myself up, none of these actually work longer than a moment or two and they leave us feeling worse in any case.

No, there was something far deeper going on here, and that was the acceptance of me as a beauty-filled woman, regardless of my hair, my clothes, my teeth or my skin. None of these could affect this gorgeous, fragile, tender woman that I have become because of my choices to value and appreciate myself.

This article was inspired by Natalie Benhayon, who has shown me so many times that connecting to the inside is ‘it’ – for good, bad or even no hair days.

by Ariana Ray

You may also like:

LOVE – Falling in Love with My own Hair by Rachel Mascord, Australia
Lack of Self-Worth by Natalie Benhayon
My Haircut – My masterpiece! by Sally Scott, Perth, Australia


789 thoughts on “Bad Hair Cut, Bad Hair Day, Bed-Hair – Bad me?

  1. Ariana what has also really struck me about what you have shared is the fact that you didn’t blow up at the hairdresser. Most women would have been pretty pissed off and there would have been tears, blame and a demand to put the haircut ‘right’ at no extra charge.

  2. Ariana, I really got to feel the depth of who you are through what you have shared and what was even more beautiful than that was that I got to feel the depth of who we all are through what you have shared. It’s a crying shame that the majority of women equate their beauty with what they see in the mirror which in turn prevents them from re-connecting to the bottomless well of beauty within.

  3. “I could see just how attached and identified I have been to my hair, believing that my value of me as a woman is related to my hair.” I can relate, as women it’s conveyed very strongly our value is in how we look, this is a brilliant reminder to come back to my inner quality and nurture that, thank you Ariana.

  4. Is it possible that the compliments or lack of are used to determine our worth? When we do our hair, do we determine whether it’s good or not based on how we felt while doing it or based on the reactions of people? If the latter we’re in for a very painful ride because the reactions of people can come from many different places – jealousy, comparison, admiration, appreciation, love, and so on. So if we’re not prepared to read the energy behind all that is going on, we can be crushed by a comment that is deliberately designed to do so.

  5. I’ve grown up with hair which was always admired, the long curls falling down my back like a waterfall stopped people in their tracks very often. There were people who were jealous of it & always found faults, it never looked combed to them, it always looked messy – with that inbedding a sense of insecurity in a little girl who was innocent and not yet engulfed in the “do I look okay”. These remarks, although I brushed off, pretended like I didn’t care & joked about actually left a pain, every time I was asked to go home and comb my hair – after having combed it already – made me feel like I was not good enough, that what I had done was not done well enough, and with that insecurities around my looks began to grow. Comments which come to us like that are insidious, the person may even think they’re being caring and protecting us but the energy behind those words knows exactly what it’s doing, exactly what to say to touch on a wound and make us feel worthless. That is why it’s important to look at our wounds, see what it is that we need to strengthen because if we don’t we can be played with without even realising it.

    1. Thanks Viktoria for sharing your experience, it’s opened up a lot for me to look at around the hurts or wounds still there from the many things said to me that were intended to knock me down. I can see how these are still playing out with thoughts of not being good enough, inadequate, etc. Thanks for expanding the conversation.

      1. Although we grow up and may think that have brushed off and gotten over our childhood insecurities, sometimes that may not be true – we may have just suppressed them. Because if we are still touchy on certain subjects & get upset – we are not over it.

  6. Where there is an opening for a greater love for ourselves we will be offered a situation or an event to support us. It is truly amazing how we are constellated in every moment to be and hold more of the love we inherently are.

  7. This really cuts our attachment to how we look and raised an important point that no matter how we look, hair or otherwise, it’s about how we feel inside, and allowing that inner feeling to be seen and felt by all, I love how Ariana has put it here, ‘the acceptance of me as a beauty-filled woman, regardless of my hair, my clothes, my teeth or my skin’. And nothing outside us can change that unless we allow it.

  8. How we view and treat our hair is a great example of how we treat and view the rest of ourselves. My hair has been very functional for work living in a pony tail and thats it. There’s no joy in this. Recently I’ve been inspired to connect to whats inside of me and then do my hair and it has been much more playful and fun.

  9. The irony is that we can have good hair, the right make up, handbag, outfit, figure, etc, yet we can live our whole lives not knowing the true beauty of our essence – the gorgeousness we truly are as girls and women that comes from within. We can make such a fuss over our appearance yet we don’t treasure who we are. I notice for me when I’m disconnected from my essence and look in the mirror I don’t like how I look, yet when I’m connected to me and emanating the beauty within myself and my qualities then oh my God I look beautiful. Nothing on the outer has changed, it’s just whether I can feel my inner self or not. We are so truly beautiful as women, all we need is the support to reconnect to our essence and let it out.

  10. One of the greatest lessons I had with my hair was when I stopped asking other people what I should do with it and decided for myself, and I have never been so pleased with my hair as I am now – even though I am in the process of growing out the dye to go to my natural grey colour.

  11. Is it that in that moment you had started to shut yourself down as a woman, or was there a momentum that lead you to sit in a chair and completely compromise what you felt as he started cutting your hair? I had a similar experience in a nail salon a few days ago, I had my nails done after work one evening and the women doing them were so rough, one of them even punched my heel during a pedicure in a form of a “foot massage”. But I wasn’t surprised, the whole day I had spent racing around, trying to comply to what the person next to me was distracting me with, completely disconnected from my body so at the end of the day when I was punched in the heel, how could I be surprised when the whole day was spent in disregard of myself?

  12. It is about how we are with things. A great sharing Ariana – and it shows that the way we perceive things really does impact how we feel about ourselves. I am seeing the difference when I claim my worth – and I went to the hairdressers 2 days ago, knowing what I wanted and not giving my power away to the salon. I walked out of there really happy with my hair because I had claimed it from the start.

  13. Connecting with our inner most, our tender and delicate self is always very supportive, ‘Immediately I chose to re-connect with my own tenderness and the gentleness of my own breath.’

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