by Nicole Serafin, Woman, Wife, Mother, Self-employed Pharmacy Receptionist, NSW, Australia
Have you ever felt dissatisfied with life, not happy with what you have or where you are at, using half-truths or manipulation to control or create a situation, pretending everything is ok when it is not? Have you lived a life totally self created from an ideal or belief to achieve ‘perfection’, prepared to do whatever it takes to have a perfect family picture and life?
My family life appeared to be a perfect picture – I had an amazing husband, a great home, a successful business and we had a beautiful daughter who was, as people would say, a ‘dream baby’. I had all the things that perhaps many women dream of: perfect family, perfect child and perfect life.
Was I being greedy wanting more?
If life looked so ideal, why did things still not feel great? What was missing?
My days were spent keeping everything looking perfect:
- The house clean and tidy
- Amazing meals prepared
- Successful business
- Being the model mother
- Appearing to have it all under control
And to a certain degree, it was all under control but on a deeper level it so was not. Underneath, things were not great.
I began to feel how my life was being lived from outside of me, from the appearance of how everything should look, rather than how anything felt for me.
I was missing connecting to the most important part of me, how I felt, how life felt.
I thought I was half-consciously pushing away these feelings. I realised I did not really want to feel how my day to day life was, preferring instead to gauge it on what I could see and do. I was pushing away the feelings in fear it would ruin my perfect picture.
Over a period of time, it became clear to me that at some level I had been feeling how things actually were but that I had also chosen to not articulate this to myself, let alone to others – not wanting to rock the boat so to speak, not wanting to admit that the way we were behaving within the family, within the home, did not feel right.
The life I had created was one that was to look and appear perfect and my day was spent keeping that picture looking just that – perfect.
However, what I’ve come to realise is that:
- There was a lack of communication in my life with those around me and with myself.
- I needed to bring honesty and love into my life, so that the life I lived was true and not something that I created from outside of myself.
- I wasn’t speaking what I was feeling in fear of how another would react or act, speaking what I thought would get me what I wanted or needed.
- Rather than saying it was my idea, I would make another think they came to the conclusion, then if something went wrong or did not work it was not my fault, I was not to blame!
- When decisions needed to be made I would see the entire outcome and then map out how I would get to that outcome, it was like watching a movie, I would play it out until I got the end result – if the end result did not happen, that is when the frustration kicked in, my picture ideal was broken, then came the reaction.
And so, I began to build from myself honesty first; feeling what was needed and from that expressing honestly, this meant being, doing and saying what was needed, rather than being what another expected me to be or doing what was needed to create a picture that was appealing to myself and others. I was now starting to live life based on the choices that were supportive of everyone and not being afraid to expose the ‘perfect family picture’ for what it may or may not be.
I soon realised that my life was greater than I had seen it to be. Once the honesty came into it, life quickly started to change, the not so perfect family picture was exposed for what it was and true life began to emerge: A life built on honesty, truth and love, that supported not only myself but all around me equally so.
Things began to feel great – I no longer needed them to be perfect, only to be true.
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