by Rosie Bason, Mullumbimby, NSW, Australia
I realised yesterday after having an Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) that I have accepted abuse in my life in so many ways, even when my body feels anxiety, being invaded or uncomfortable I have learnt a way to deal with it and not realised or accepted that it is a form of abuse.
In the past when I had an EBM I just wanted to get my breasts massaged, just to get it over and done with. I didn’t really care how my body felt because I was aiming for a result and I had it in my mind that if I didn’t get my breasts massaged then in some way I had failed.
Yesterday I learnt a lot about being an expert in NOT honoring my body and that even when I have felt uncomfortable I have just allowed things to continue as they are. I have never stopped and chosen another way. I wasn’t aware that I had a choice and that there was in fact another way.
What was so beautiful in my recent session was that I had a moment on the table where I felt so at ease, so relaxed and surrendered. However, when the practitioner began to work near my breasts my shoulder blades started to join together at the back and became really tense. My whole body started to tighten. My breathing completely changed as if I was having a full on anxiety attack. From where I was laying there with a gentle breath coming in and out of my nose to suddenly gasping for air and needing to open my mouth to take in a gulp of air. It was then that I realised that my body was showing me that I was not at ease anymore. I was feeling anxious.
When I shared with the practitioner that I was struggling and that I could feel all these changes in my body the practitioner stopped and said that we did not need to impose on my body and I relaxed straight away. When my breasts were covered and the practitioner moved onto another part of my body I returned to that relaxed state, where my breathing was not forced and was calm. It didn’t take long to come back to that stillness and it really revealed how stressed I had become in that moment of my breasts being touched.
So since then, I have been pondering on how often I have been with partners and have had this anxiety but I always thought of it as excitement and had never really felt into it. This was most likely because in that moment of anxiety the way I had learnt to deal with it all was to leave my body, check out and hide in my mind. I would literally ‘take me elsewhere’ so as to not have to feel or deal with what was going on.
Yesterday was the first time that I have not had to push on through or override the anxiety I was experiencing. I felt so supported and loved because the practitioner had no agenda and did not push through the Esoteric Breast Massage. There was no imposing and no need to get to any kind of goal. The goal really was to just honor me. I think in the past I have always pushed through and never stopped and let my body just be.
I look forward to working with my breasts and releasing all the old issues that I have been holding there.