This morning I had a profound experience. I had my first Esoteric Breast Massage (EBM) with a Universal Medicine practitioner, Mary-Louise Myers. I came away from this session feeling so delicate, like a snail without its shell. I felt a renewed openness and a sudden urge to share my truth and love. I felt vulnerable, like I had lost my shield, and yet it was gorgeous.
I’ll tell you how it happened. At the beginning of the session we talked about my medical history, and how I felt about my breasts. I said I never truly felt my breasts. They are ‘just there’ – I’d never taken time to honour them. I had always criticised them for being small and imperfect. I explained my experience with ovarian cysts, hormone imbalance and irregular periods and that, despite taking hormone replacement for several months, my period just doesn’t seem to ‘flow’, as though part of me is holding back. Mary-Louise suggested that these feelings of holding back could provide a strong basis for the theme of my sessions – it certainly felt like a great starting point. She then went on to discuss how the EBM would work, some of the techniques she would apply, and how she would listen to, and honour my body. I felt her sincerity and went with it, feeling confident.
She started the session with some Esoteric Connective Tissue Therapy, which allowed me to relax and go deeper into my body. Soon, I had virtually forgotten that I was about to have an EBM. She tenderly moved the towel, which was covering my chest, to one side to expose my right breast. I was still feeling wonderfully relaxed. As she delicately placed massage cream around my breast, I felt at ease. I was doing well. I felt wholly supported and respected. The love in the room was palpable.
The massage was slow and gentle and moved in lovely big anti clockwise circles around my breast. This continued for a few moments and then I started to feel something change. I felt a little uneasy. My body contracted and, like a clam, it swiftly shut.
Mary-Louise stopped. There was a pause. Under my warm eye pillow I heard her ask me,”can you feel what’s happened?”. Before I spoke, I felt for a moment, then said, “I’ve contracted”. I had indeed. Very gently, Mary-Louise spoke to me and assured me this wasn’t a criticism, but a moment to identify what was happening.
We decided to discontinue the EBM and talk for a while after this. She asked if I had ever been sexually abused… I said no. My idea of ‘sexual abuse’ is being interfered with against one’s will. I couldn’t recall this ever happening to me. No way!
But as we talked more deeply, something began to stir. We started to talk about sex and how I felt about it. The truth is my body had become so contracted over the years that I had lost my true connection with my body. I said that it felt great, but I realized this was superficial. It was merely a feeling of relief. I felt we’d touched upon something very raw and uncomfortable for me. The feelings were there, but they were very deeply ingrained. When Mary-Louise started talking about my relationship with my father, I defended him. I said that he’d never ever touch me in ‘that way’. But I started to feel slight discomfort, like there was something yucky I didn’t want to deal with. I then felt to tell her this:
I came across my father’s porn stash at the age of about 12 or 13. I still remember those feelings. It was a mixed sensation of shock, disgust, arousal and curiosity. I also felt disappointed. What about mum? Wasn’t she enough? She’s beautiful. Why do you need this material? Of course, I never confronted my dad, or mum, about this… I was too embarrassed. This marked a long journey into self-abuse, and unbeknownst to me, the porn had me in its clutches. I began to identify being beautiful with these images. I thought that this was the sort of woman that men lusted after; one who is not only physically beautiful, but a bit ‘naughty’.
In later years I played up to it. I went to parties, drank, and flirted. I told men I liked porn, and this got their attention: they thought it was really sexy, and I loved it. And so it continued for years, my partners even encouraged me. I went to strip clubs with my ex partner – we’d watch together. They thought I was so liberated and different to other women. I embraced this.
Little did I realise, I was deeply caught in an undercurrent of loveless-ness that I had come to accept as normal.
It wasn’t just the porn either, there were other issues that came up today and during my early teens that seemed to cause not just me, but my father, some discomfort.
I remember, whenever a commercial came on the television for sanitary products, such as pads or tampons, Dad would say to the TV, “you dirty so and so”. I felt embarrassed and I withdrew.
One day when I was about 13, I was happily experimenting with the shaver whilst in the shower and decided to shave my legs. My brother caught me and he went running to my parents to ‘dob’ me in. I was in trouble and I still remember my father telling me off and saying that I would always have legs like a prickly brush.
Not long after this incident, my father came across a Dolly or Girlfriend magazine that I had floating around the house. It had some sex related topics in it – possibly a ‘sealed section’. Dad was very disgruntled and I remember his utter disappointment and disbelief in me that I was reading such explicit material. But surely it couldn’t be any worse than the x rated porn of his?
Every one of my partners, except one or two, has had porn collections, and they also bought it for me, because I wanted it. It’s a sad truth, but in a quick internet search I did today, I discovered that porn addiction is becoming more and more prevalent in women. One study suggests that more than 6 out of 10 women view web porn and 17% of women describe themselves as addicted.
It became the norm for me and I thought it was natural for partners to share it together, but my session today has made me question the nature of sexual abuse. I now realise that it isn’t just abuse in the literal sense, but can be something that occurs energetically between a father and daughter or between partners, or in the way I treat my SELF. It happens when one objectifies another, uses porn or one’s beautiful body in a disregarding way, just to attain relief. I am the culprit, just as any other, and this is the most uncomfortable thing to admit.
In my mind, I may have been caught up in the glamour of porn, physical beauty and winning a man with looks, but my body is now feeling the effects. I lost the connection to being a true woman. I never truly allowed myself to become one because I was so conflicted with the mixed messages I received growing up, such as:
- It’s acceptable to use porn, to objectify women, and disregard your partner’s feelings (i.e. my father disrespecting my mother).
- It’s not okay for a daughter to learn about sex or shave her legs.
- Periods are NEVER spoken of and are shrouded with a feeling of embarrassment.
How very confusing for an impressionable young girl. It’s little wonder I lost my way!
And so I stayed small and played the game. It was the easiest and most effective way to avoid the truth.
In sharing this story, I hope to reach other women out there who may be in the same situation, or simply to bring awareness to women that sexual abuse doesn’t just mean being touched in an unsavory or aggressive way against your will. I never realized that what I was doing and whom I was sleeping with, was harming me. I CHOSE to do it. I ENJOYED it.
Take it from me; I am a young and attractive woman who has chronic hormone imbalance and hair loss. For me, the health issues started when I was in my mid teens and have continued for over FIFTEEN YEARS now. My body is virtually crying out to me to stop and look at what’s going on. So I have. I’ve paused to listen.
I have certainly come a long way in the year or so I have been a student with Universal Medicine, but the EBM session today has given me an opportunity to go even deeper, and with TRUE LOVE.
This is only the beginning of a huge unfolding for me. I am taking on an Esoteric Breast Massage program with Universal Medicine to reclaim myself as the true and beautiful woman that I am, and had long neglected. Mary-Louise was so loving and supportive today and she made me feel completely at ease with the issues that came up.
I never expected all of this to surface in my very first Esoteric Breast Massage. I am really looking forward to my future sessions and I feel ready to embrace whatever arises.