CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE
When I was 7 years old my mum’s then boyfriend sexually abused me. I told mum at the time and her response was… “He was only trying to make you feel good”. I never spoke of the event again until I was 18.
When I brought up my childhood sexual abuse at 18, my mother said she could not remember a thing and also said that it had never happened. I felt deeply hurt and very sad that my mother did not accept that I was speaking the truth. All I ever wanted from her was acknowledgement that the sexual abuse did happen, rather than pretend that it didn’t.
My mum was also molested as a child. I understand that she was not supported either so it is possible that she too is holding all the pain and sadness within her. Perhaps it was the same for her.
I know that her mother too was physically abused by my grandfather – on one occasion, for wearing lipstick at 16, he hit her over the head with a pitchfork. She was probably not supported or given the opportunity to feel and heal her own wounds, so she probably would have not been able to provide any support for my mother.
As an adult I know what is true and there is no need for anyone else to get it, but as a child I was either silent and never spoke about it, or I wanted my mum to own up and take responsibility for not being there for me as a child, for not listening to me when I was 7 – needing her to support me rather than just try and brush it away.
Why is it that we as women have accepted so much abuse in our lives?
Why is it that when we are abused, at no matter what age, we remain silent?
ABUSIVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
Why is it that as women we have sexual relationships that are abusive in many ways, yet we live with it, accept it as normal? Is it because we are brought up to believe that ‘He was only trying to make you feel good’, or ‘It’s just part of being in a relationship’.
Is it because as young girls we look at our mothers and other women as role models and we witness their sadness, their ‘putting up with abusive relationships’ and we accept that as ‘Normal’, so we surrender to this way of being because there is no one to show us that there is indeed another way?
This has been my experience. My role models have been unhappy women who needed to drink or take drugs in the morning or afternoon to make it through the day, who argued often with their partners, complained about them behind their backs and stayed helplessly in relationships that they were not happy in.
And so it appears the same pattern continues down through generations because no one has chosen to break the pattern of abuse, and often the sadness and pain seem like too much to look at.
DEALING WITH THE ABUSE ISSUE
Many women these days have been subjected to sexual abuse of some form. (For further reference see Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse and Creeps…Statistics and My Story). When we deny it, and bury it, it seems to stay with us forever. If we bury it, brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not there, it just festers and rots and it does affect us in so many ways: in how we trust people (or don’t), and in how we are in all our relationships.
It is never easy to lift up the carpet, so to speak, and look at all the mess we left under there, but when we make the time to feel the hurt, get honest and take responsibility for our part in it as well as being more accepting of where others are at, then we create a space and an opportunity to move on from that hurt. The memory can stay with us, but it won’t be like a splinter in our foot, hurting us every time we take a step.
I have opened a can of worms over the last 3 years – really being honest with what happened when I was sexually abused and how I feel about it. I have also been looking at all my relationships with men and am taking responsibility now for my part in it –for my part in accepting that abuse, because I did not realise at the time that it was abuse and that we as women do not need to live with that.
The sexual abuse I experienced so early in my childhood life hugely affected me and the way I relate to people in so many ways, well into my adulthood. That is why in many ways I continued to accept abuse on many levels, in hidden ways, but still they were abusive nonetheless.
As a result of my childhood experience of sexual abuse I kept people out of my life and stayed really quite separate and alone for a long time in an illusion that it would keep me safe and I wouldn’t be able to get hurt again. And the sad fact is, this keeping myself separate was kind of like a self-abuse, as keeping myself on my own is what hurt me the most.
Even though I have had counselling and have spoken about my childhood sexual abuse, up until recently I was still stuck in the hurt of it all. I felt that I was a victim, and I was choosing to stay in it. It may sound strange, but I was so used to identifying with being a victim that there was a part of me that was holding onto it rather than releasing it and seeing it as a thing of the past.
With the support of Universal Medicine and with the inspiration and role models from the students of the Esoteric work, I feel that I am no longer a victim and that I do not need to tolerate abuse anymore.
The role models that I have now in my life show me that there is no room for abuse in a loving relationship, that love can be felt in everything that is shared in a partnership throughout the day and not just in the bed.
The most important part for me was that I had to learn to love me first and foremost, and I realised that I had never ever come even close to that. I am now learning and loving the process of re-developing my love for myself. Not being selfish, but just taking care of me because I am worth it.
The Truth is we are all worth it. No one deserves abuse.
Inspired by the work of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon