by Adele Leung, Fashion Stylist/Art Director, Hong Kong
From 15 years of age onwards, there has been almost no break in the intimate relationships in my life. Every man that I have been with I thought I would marry.
Until three years ago: I got divorced from my marriage of two years because of an affair. My divorce was in fact a period of grace for me. It was my meeting with Grace.
For as long as I can remember, I have always put men on a pedestal. The feeling that I have for men is deep. It has nothing to do with their physicality, and I never understood the excitement of seeing muscular or sexy men. What I saw in men was their tender hearts. This tenderness is what draws me to men over and over again. Yet, over and over again, it is what is contrary to this tenderness that I got to live with when in a relationship with a man.
As a woman, I also know this tenderness, though in my life I have not chosen to live it all the time. Both men and women know tenderness, and tenderness is true when we choose to live it, no matter what gender we are.
I have endured a lot of abuse in my life from men, and in-truth, I have allowed abuse towards myself. I have allowed it because of the ‘need’ to see men turn out as I have felt in my heart how they as a gender truly are tender.
I am certain that some men in my life have wished to see tenderness from me, and have endured the same kind of abuse from me.
Grace, which for me is a pause to re-connect back to my own stillness, has allowed me to feel into the depths of knowing men and women are not separate. If we allow ourselves to feel each other, we will feel that the essence of every single human being without exception, is love. By seeing one gender as more powerful (something I have consistently lived in the past), we live as examples of separation. And so, it is this separation that we will live, and will experience as well as deliver to others as well. This has certainly been my experience.
Therefore I, as Ms Living Graciousness herself, having once chosen to step onto the same pedestal that I previously put men on and now holding the hands of men, suggest we step down and just be true. Some men may step down with me, though some are too comfortable with the pedestal and refuse, and some are indifferent; but no matter their choice, I am choosing to be true in my new freedom, without position.
I am choosing to be true by not holding back who I am as a soul within a woman’s body. I am choosing to live this equalness despite what gender I encounter. I am choosing to see equally the tenderness and amazingness in women, as in men. I also smile from a deep warmth that exudes from my heart, witnessing men living their tenderness openly, with their wives and partners, as well as with themselves.
By releasing more and more the investment and expectations I have of men, it now feels absurd to allow myself to be in abusive situations or to condone them – as I did in the past. It feels also similarly absurd to be reactionary towards these behaviours. Speaking out about them is necessary, but fighting against them whether through force or fear, is not.
True love is something that can only be held equally with all, and a marriage for example is in essence two people committed to living the true love that they are, whilst growing this love every moment in deep honouring of each other’s rhythms and choices in life and eventually expressing equally this love – with everyone.
Holding true love for all has nothing to do with being flirtatious with everyone or sleeping with anyone we feel drawn to, for in true love, I feel desires are not present. A marriage is indeed sacred for it is a union of true love within our hearts; a bond that naturally and consistently sustains when we live our every breath as love. And therefore a livingness of true love each and every moment is the greatest commitment to a marriage.
In my heart, true union is not just of people, it is also an equal union of both male and female genders.
In this equalness there is no dominance or power play between the genders, and there can be no hidden agendas with the knowing that how one gender is choosing to be, directly affects the other (gender).
- Honestly, if we understood that how men are today has been influenced by how women are, would we still be in denial or tolerance to how our men treat us, or how we treat our men?
- Would we condone situations where there is anything less than true love?
- Would we then be choosing our intimate relationships differently, knowing what we choose will continue to either perpetuate true love or ‘lovelessness’ not just for ourselves, but for the whole of humanity?
My love for men continues to deepen as a direct result of how my love for myself as a woman has deepened.
Knowing deeply within my heart that we have been equal and mutually honouring of each other as genders and that we will return to this equal union one day, but accepting how not equal it is today, is a gift that Grace has imbued upon me.