Hanging up my Invisibility Cloak – Being Foreign no longer an Excuse

by Fumiyo Egashira, Japan

For a long time, being a foreigner was a great excuse for me not to be fully present and accountable in life.

When I first moved to the UK I didn’t speak the language. It seemed like people quickly judged that there’s not much point trying to engage with me. Whenever I didn’t understand something, instead of asking questions I just grinned – trying to appear harmless and friendly.

Soon I realized that many people were treating me as half a person who wouldn’t speak up for myself. This was very annoying – however when I was not fully showing up in life, taking responsibility, what could I expect?

Looking obviously foreign – different skin colour, facial feature, contributed to this effect – even after I became more comfortable with the language.

After several years I figured out that I could use the same excuse whenever I went back home. After all I was no longer living there. I was an outsider. ‘I don’t belong here’ suited me everywhere I went. I acted as if I didn’t have to know about life and I didn’t have to engage in it. I was just visiting.

This was a very comfortable situation I created for myself to keep myself away from serious commitment in life.

Opportunities kept arising and kept me entertained and busy. This made me feel as if things were working out for me. However, there was always a sense of things being on a temporary basis. I did hope every new job, every new relationship would make it different, more solid. But the jobs remained transient no matter how long I stayed in them and relationships were never about relating but more about attachment and obsession, which kept breaking my heart.

I kept making changes – where to live, what to do for a living etc. Sure they gave me different flavours to daily life, but I could not deny that I was not where I wanted to be in my life. I wanted to be someone, somewhere (else). But me right there, right at that moment, was not available, comfortably castrated in hiding, twiddling my thumbs, killing time waiting for the day I would die.

That was until I realized that EVERYTHING I did, including my initial move abroad, and perhaps my life previous up to that moment, was about saying ‘No, I don’t want to be here’.

Every ‘change’ I made from then on was propelled out of the same energy of pushing life away. No wonder I was so exhausted.

So, what if I stopped doing that?

As soon as I said that to myself, I felt a resounding “Yes, PLEEEEEEEEEEZE” in my body. That felt good. That was last year. After 25 years. I am just glad it wasn’t 30 years.

Now, I am back where I came from. Slowly re-building my foundation. My mother doesn’t feel like the woman I refused to believe was my own mother all those years ago. It feels like it was all about claiming my right-full place.

A lot more unfolding to come.

92 thoughts on “Hanging up my Invisibility Cloak – Being Foreign no longer an Excuse

  1. Feeling we don’t belong isolates us from those around us. Realising we are all equal members of one humanity brings a feeling of Brotherhood wherever we are in the world.

  2. It is amazing how we can turn our lives around when we change what we give our focus to. We can invest so much energy in avoiding being committed to life which leaves us feeling so unsettled, yet if we focus the same amount of energy to committing to life, life then is lived with a far truer perspective and honouring of who we are.

  3. Often being ‘local’ can be a huge invisibility cloak too. We try so hard to fit ourselves in to the ‘normal’ way and never let our true self be seen. When will we realise that it’s all the colours and flavours that make the world rich and expressing this is how we truly fit?

  4. We are all foreign in as much as we don ‘t come from here but I know I used this as an excuse for many years to not engage with life and thus constantly felt drained and dissatisfied whereas since committing to being present and connecting to my purpose I feel joy and settlement in the way I live and interact with others.

  5. I have had that “I don’t want to be here” feeling but actually it doesn’t get us out no matter how much we withdraw, it fact it takes us further into the energy that we don’t want to be in! Connecting to my essence, going inward is the way out of the energy that I don’t want to be rather than trying to avoid a physical situation or location.

  6. We don’t necessarily have to keep moving physically to try to escape from life. Accepting who we are and where we are at – our bodies love this. With the support of Universal Medicine therapies I came home to myself.

  7. While I’m not living in a foreign country I can really relate to what your saying, especially in workplaces, often I can feel like I don’t belong or I am I really good enough to be here, but this indecision you could say is a choice and it can change when we claim our life and claim every step and give every part of life the one billion percent it deserves.

  8. Fully committing to life is less exhausting than only half committing or not committing at all. My head used to tell me it was the other way around! So I put it to the test and found that by truly committing to life and knowing that our true purpose here is to not be here at all, opened the gateway to a much richer life and greater vitality, as there is much to do to get us all back to the point where we are living the full magnitude of our love, divinity and wisdom and in this we exhaust our potential on this plane of life and are then ready for the next. Prior to this I always had a feeling we were not meant to ‘be here’ but would use this as an excuse to not commit to being here at all!

  9. This is great to share and expose Fumiyo. It has made me realise how we haven’t completely settled and claimed our spot in another country, and how that impacts on our every day. There is such comfort with familiarity and what we know, but there can also be comfort in not committing to life.

  10. Thank you Fumiyo. Your honesty is refreshing and real. I understand from my own experience if you don’t completely commit to life it will pause energetically – things may change around you but everything is stagnant and this can manifest through pain and heartache.
    Life presents itself to evolve time and time again. Full commitment and continuing to say “Yes” can release the old and bring the new. And the new is a deeper settlement of joy amongst the always existing tension before this ‘new settlement’. Thus is a life of Joy.

  11. I remember trying to fit in, doing things that really were not me, but I seemed to fit in then, which actually made me feel worse because I knew I wasn’t being who I am, eventually after finding Universal Medicine I realised that it wasn’t about fitting in, it was about being honest and truthful, and the only way I could do that was by actually being me.

  12. Strangely enough I have felt like I ‘don’t belong’ most of my life until I realised that it a ploy to not to commit to life. When I fully commit to whatever I am doing and wherever I am and most importantly when I commit to being fully in my body I do belong.

  13. I can relate to this very much as I am studying in a country that is not my ‘home’ country. I have been feeling like not really belonging or that what I do here doesn’t fully count and matter. A very interesting thing to feel and very great to let go and allow myself to go for it in full because this temporary living here mentality has been making me tired just like you shared. There is no such thing as temporary living in truth there is only now. Thank you for the reminder.

    1. I can very much relate to what you have shared Lieke, and yes it is exhausting when we are not fully present and committed to where we are. When we weren’t sure whether to settle here in another country, I friend asked me to feel my body in relation to my home country and new country. When I felt my body in relation to my home country it felt like falling back into a cloud… some might think that is great but for me I could feel it was comfort and easy.

  14. ‘I don’t belong here’ This feeling of not belonging is because we come from something so much more but we have to learn to live here to find our way back to the glory we come from.

  15. Donning the cloak of visitor in our own life is a sure way to stay disengaged and uncommitted. And it affects us greatly, saps our energy and strips us of our vitality and further diminishes our willingness to do life.

  16. So many women in life try to make themselves invisible. This is something I have observed and also tried myself. I would oscillate between either being unseen or needing to be the centre of attention- both came from the same energy of not feeling enough and needing to either have this confirmed by being ignored or trying to get attention to not feel this.

    1. It is interesting to feel how such contrasting behaviours come from the same energy of feeling a lack with ourselves and looking for confirmation in different ways. It is only when we connect to our essence and inner stillness that we have no need of outside confirmation.

  17. Yes to hanging up the invisibility cloak in its many guises. Currently exposing my frequent hiding behind the ‘nice’ facade and how damaging this is for myself as well as other people.

  18. We can never run away from anything, and moving countries, town or cities really highlight this. It all catches up with us eventually.

  19. Yes I can relate to the comfort of invisibility having been a master in this field. But where did this get me in truth? Nowhere I really wanted to be so then I found that I become resentful even though I had set my life up in this way in the first place! One has got to laugh at the ridiculousness of this.

  20. Making changes in our external circumstance only changes our external circumstances, so really nothing changes and the reasons for our change keep following us. True change comes from accepting who we are and living that, so it’s a livingness of what we are feeling inside.

  21. All the different things we do to avoid what we know we need to face. As you have found out, there is only so long that we can hide before we call ourselves out and that support to call myself out came through the strength that was reawakened in me after having sessions with Universal Medicine Practitioners, thank you for sharing your story.

  22. How great that you were willing to see what was truly going on in your life, only then were you able to let go of this harmful pattern.

  23. It is amazing how liberating it is when we are willing to see and feel the truth of where are choices are coming from, and how and why they come to be. When we are willing to be honest with ourselves we are essentially choosing to free ourselves from the lies the, the ‘who we are not’, that keeps us incarcerated, reduced and far from living the richness and fullness of who we are within. Beautiful to feel the inspiration your return to claiming all that you gloriously are.

  24. This is such a powerful story… for how often do we seek outer change, only to find – once the initial busyness of it all settles down – that our own inner malaise and/or discontent has not shifted at all…
    It is only when we are truly willing to acknowledge what’s going on for us at a deeper level, that we may truly liberate ourselves – as you’ve shared so beautifully here Fumiyo. Thank-you.

  25. Having met you Fumiyo, it is amazing to read that you felt this way – hiding behind the veil of being a ‘foreigner’. For when I first saw you, yes I noticed a woman of delicate Eastern appearance, but I sensed no boundary of nationality whatsoever – to such a pronounced degree, that I was alerted to just how much differences in appearance, etc, usually DO create a separation (and how non-cognisant we may choose to be of this…).
    In you, I felt nothing of the kind, showing me what a truly ‘universal’ being actually is. A powerful, awakening moment I will never forget.

  26. Having used lots of different excuses for hiding in life, including being a foreigner, I have embraced commitment since being inspired by Universal Medicine presentations to take responsibility for my life and find purpose in what I can offer to others rather than being caught up in my own selfish needs.

  27. Dear Fumiyo,
    Reading your blog tonight has found me reflecting on my life just now. Earlier this year I moved from the town in which I was born, the same town my family has lived in for four generations. So, whilst reading I could feel a level of fear around being fully me, as I am now ‘on my own’. Thank you, felling this has allowed me to feel the true power in fully trusting myself, the choices I have made and the choices I will make.

  28. “‘No, I don’t want to be here’.” This feeling of not belonging and not fitting in can be very strong. When we realise that we have made the choice – over and over again – to take us away from who we truly are we wake up to the fact that we have the choice to return to the Universal love and brotherhood that we came from.

  29. It’s amazing what we do – unconsciously and consciously – to avoid commuting to ourselves and to life. For decades I kept myself busy and in constant drama to avoid taking responsibility for my choices. When I finally began to do this, it was like a huge weight lifted – not always easy, but definitely lighter and much simpler and clearer.

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