Relationships with Men Begin with My Relationship with Me

by Anonymous

I recently wrote a blog entitled Sex, relationships and a True Fairy Tale. Since then many things have unfolded for me (something I am sure many blog writers will relate to). Each time we publicly proclaim something (anonymously or not) we are asked to step up, and this time was no different.

Reading has been a big part of my life so it’s no surprise that my recent experience has reminded me of another type of story, the ‘Choose your own Adventure’ kind.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept a ‘Choose your own Adventure’ book is one that asks you to make a choice at the end of each chapter. This choice then dictates the next choice that would be available to you and so on.

I was a teenager in the 90’s and ‘Choose your own Adventure’ books were popular with people my age at that time. I loved reading these books but as I read them I found myself making choices based on desired outcomes. Unfortunately the writers of these books seemed to know that, so the more I tried to choose the path that would lead to my desired outcome (i.e. – get the girl or guy, find the treasure, avoid being eaten by a dragon) the worse my final fate seemed to be (i.e. no treasure, no partner and eaten by dragon).

When I figured out how it all worked, I lost interest in these books. However, I recently uncovered that my investment in outcomes is still alive and well (unlike the protagonist in my book). As I have only in recent years begun to let men in I have focussed on the fact that I have made great progress in this area, and how absolutely lovely this is. What I hadn’t fully felt until recently is that alongside this reawakened openness there has been a sneaky need for a relationship that has crept into every last thing that I do.

This need has crept into things as simple as:

  • What I choose to buy
  • Will this outfit attract a man?
  • Or into things as big as: where and how I choose to live
  • Should I settle down, change cities/countries, buy a house on my own, commit to my career etc.?

A part of me was still waiting to be rescued. A part of me still believed that in order to show the world (and myself) I was ‘healed’, I would need to be in a relationship. When I first felt this I was absolutely horrified and shocked. I felt the full impact of how I had given my power away and lived my life based on imaginary wished-for outcomes that may never materialise. Ouch!

This need has led me to have relationships with men in recent years, but the truth is that these relationships have always failed and been unloving despite the fact that my heart had begun to open. I have now felt that this is due to the fact that I have brought this need with me into each relationship and had not committed 100% to myself first. This need created a ‘prince charming shaped hole’ (think prince charming from Shrek) in the way I lived that attracted and allowed myself to be in relationships that were not truly loving.

The men I attracted mirrored back to me my own unloving ways (and had some unloving ways and needs of their own to deal with).

I now feel absolutely that the key is to be committed to me. The most important relationship in my life is my relationship with myself. It is not about shutting down my heart, it is about committing to life with me and remaining open to men. My eyes are now open, I now choose me, not the outcome.

I will have me and I will have love – even if I have no treasure, no partner and get eaten by a dragon. 

289 thoughts on “Relationships with Men Begin with My Relationship with Me

  1. “The most important relationship in my life is my relationship with myself.” Connecting to our inner-heart we meet the boundless love that is our relationship with God.

  2. This is something I felt the other week how instead of feeling the best was going to happen for me I would always feel the worst was going to happen (eaten by a dragon … using your own analogy). But you are soooo right, the more we deeply love, care and listen to ourselves the more this builds a loving, consistent, strong and steady foundation that nothing is going to rock regardless how much it tries.

  3. I am realising that my last stint of dating keeps ending up in me being ‘too busy’ to spend time with another. What it’s really saying is that I am keeping myself ‘too busy’ to be with myself.

  4. A loving relationship with ourselves is the key to living a life that is enriched with love, implused by a quality that honors divinity and celebrates who we are. Our relationships then offer us the opportunity to deepen our connection to love as we share and confirm who we are and inspire and support each other to heal and evolve.

  5. There is a proverb that says ‘physician, heal thyself’. The same applies here – ‘Lovers, love thyself’.

  6. We learn so much by reflections and by daily life if we are open to the learnings, I love how you brought it back to committing to yourself and to life, with your relationship with self being paramount in this.

  7. 100% commitment to being in a loving relationship with ourselves, first and foremost – this is a commitment that feeds us back, and dissipates any neediness: there is nothing for the neediness to hold onto and nowhere for it to take root when we fully accept, appreciate and love ourselves to the max.

  8. Great to recognise and nominate our needs and expectations, ‘I felt the full impact of how I had given my power away and lived my life based on imaginary wished-for outcomes that may never materialise. ‘

  9. The more that we offer ourselves in the self-care of life we can’t but show with our livingness what we can offer another.

    1. I agree Viktoria, and it is something that I am always inspired and deeply moved by as it feels like a blessing, a confirmation and a celebration of who we all are in essence.

      1. Thank you Carola, you are a prima example of my statement, your beauty shines through and it cannot be denied.

  10. If we have us and we have love then we have the most amazing treasure that will continue to unfold throughout our lives.

  11. Its safe to say that if we don’t have a loving evolving relationship with ourselves we can’t with no-one else’s.

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