I recently wrote a blog entitled Sex, relationships and a True Fairy Tale. Since then many things have unfolded for me (something I am sure many blog writers will relate to). Each time we publicly proclaim something (anonymously or not) we are asked to step up, and this time was no different.
Reading has been a big part of my life so it’s no surprise that my recent experience has reminded me of another type of story, the ‘Choose your own Adventure’ kind.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept a ‘Choose your own Adventure’ book is one that asks you to make a choice at the end of each chapter. This choice then dictates the next choice that would be available to you and so on.
I was a teenager in the 90’s and ‘Choose your own Adventure’ books were popular with people my age at that time. I loved reading these books but as I read them I found myself making choices based on desired outcomes. Unfortunately the writers of these books seemed to know that, so the more I tried to choose the path that would lead to my desired outcome (i.e. – get the girl or guy, find the treasure, avoid being eaten by a dragon) the worse my final fate seemed to be (i.e. no treasure, no partner and eaten by dragon).
When I figured out how it all worked, I lost interest in these books. However, I recently uncovered that my investment in outcomes is still alive and well (unlike the protagonist in my book). As I have only in recent years begun to let men in I have focussed on the fact that I have made great progress in this area, and how absolutely lovely this is. What I hadn’t fully felt until recently is that alongside this reawakened openness there has been a sneaky need for a relationship that has crept into every last thing that I do.
This need has crept into things as simple as:
- What I choose to buy
- Will this outfit attract a man?
- Or into things as big as: where and how I choose to live
- Should I settle down, change cities/countries, buy a house on my own, commit to my career etc.?
A part of me was still waiting to be rescued. A part of me still believed that in order to show the world (and myself) I was ‘healed’, I would need to be in a relationship. When I first felt this I was absolutely horrified and shocked. I felt the full impact of how I had given my power away and lived my life based on imaginary wished-for outcomes that may never materialise. Ouch!
This need has led me to have relationships with men in recent years, but the truth is that these relationships have always failed and been unloving despite the fact that my heart had begun to open. I have now felt that this is due to the fact that I have brought this need with me into each relationship and had not committed 100% to myself first. This need created a ‘prince charming shaped hole’ (think prince charming from Shrek) in the way I lived that attracted and allowed myself to be in relationships that were not truly loving.
The men I attracted mirrored back to me my own unloving ways (and had some unloving ways and needs of their own to deal with).
I now feel absolutely that the key is to be committed to me. The most important relationship in my life is my relationship with myself. It is not about shutting down my heart, it is about committing to life with me and remaining open to men. My eyes are now open, I now choose me, not the outcome.
I will have me and I will have love – even if I have no treasure, no partner and get eaten by a dragon.