Sex, Drugs… and Making Love

by Kyla Plummer, Bangalow, Australia

My first experience of sex left a lot to be desired – I was 13 years old. My 17 year old boyfriend coerced and heavily pressured me into sex with stories of how a guy needs sex or his balls hurt; and how hard it is for guys because once they have it (sex, that is) it must happen regularly, or else etc… all lines designed to persuade a young and naïve target. I didn’t really even know that much of what was happening, but after heavy persistence I became worn down and gave in. Also, he could be quite scary and violent – at times there was no consent from me at all and he was quite forceful. In my desperation to grow up and be considered ‘mature’ I had found myself in this situation, spending every free hour at his run-down apartment, while at home my mother was beside herself with worry.

A couple of months later I went on a family camping trip. These two weeks away gave me some much needed distance from him, and after some youthful fun I re-developed some inner strength. The day after I returned I told him it was over. As I broke the news to him he punched in walls around me and threatened to commit suicide. I had just turned fourteen.

I was and am an intelligent and beautiful woman (maybe not quite a woman then, but in appearance I was close, big boobs and curves, with a baby face). One may find it hard to imagine putting yourself through that, but I know many who have experienced similar things – craving love, touch, appreciation, connection – and not knowing your own self-worth. I was angry when I realised what I had given away… I always thought that sex was supposed to be the ‘best thing in the world’, and because my experience so far was anything but, I made a commitment to myself that I was now going in search of ‘great sex’ – and I wasn’t going to let anyone ruin it for me. I became a bit like one of the guys; firstly (14 years old) I found another boyfriend, but this one was a middle-class surfie type only 2 years older, safer – not violent. I discovered I could have orgasms and we could learn all about sex together. We were having a great time and laughed about how others (teenagers) didn’t know how good it could be.

This still left me not feeling whole or satisfied, like I still had more to claim back. I felt like it was my body, and if guys could do it, so could I. Some of the young women I knew struggled with sex, having a good time or even liking it – most did not have orgasms or fun at all but still went through with it. Crazy as it sounds considering how young I was, I nevertheless fit the mould of the stereotypical ‘sexually liberated woman’… if this was (under-age) Sex in the City, then I would have been Samantha.

There were a lot of alcohol-fuelled and drug induced situations that created a false confidence; I thought I had it all going for me, I could pick up any hot guy I set my sights on… I knew what to do to show a guy a great time and service myself… sounds romantic and loving – NOT!! After a while it became clear to me (even as a teenager) that I would feel empty, less loved and more in need either after sex, or the morning after. At first I thought it was just when it was casual sex, but then I felt it within relationships too – even though I was still having ‘orgasms’, choosing my partners, and apparently ‘in control’ of my body and sex life.

This confusion about sex, relationships and men continued into my mid-20’s. When I was 25 years old I met my husband. We were both living fairly wildly when we met, neither established financially nor practically in the world. But even through the sexy surfer ‘can’t-pin-me-down’ thing my new partner had going on, I could see there was a quiet gentleness about him, and a loveliness that was very real. In those early days we were reckless and drinking and smoking a lot, and as usual the sex was great and adventurous (and often). But it was around this time we both realised that the other parts of our lives needed looking into. There were a few people around us, family and friends, who were starting to really get their lives together and making big changes. Often the common factor in the changes they were initiating was that they had been to courses or workshops held by a man by the name of Serge Benhayon, who was fast earning himself a reputation as a highly sought after healer and presenter on complementary therapies, healing and on life generally. To see the marked positive difference in those you have known for a long time as they commit to themselves and their health was undeniable proof to me that there was something worth checking out in regards to what was being presented by Serge. So we went along to some workshops.

At one of the workshops I attended, Serge did a short talk on the possibility of a difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’. I was astounded… the distinction was so simple, yet such an incredible revelation and a missing link in regards to sex and relationships, that once I heard it spoken I felt it as a truth that I knew from deep within me but was yet to find the words to express. I looked forward to introducing and integrating this new discovery with my partner, who was with me at the time it was presented. Even in this more loving relationship than those that came before, all the issues that I had with sex came along with me regardless of our typically ‘great sex life’. After hearing this presentation I finally began to allow myself to re-claim my body, in a fun and sexy way. I realised I didn’t have to be a porn star in the bedroom, or perfect looking, or bend in ways that were not comfortable for me or allow anything that didn’t feel right. I discovered I didn’t have to perform because I thought he needed it, I could truly just be myself – this ‘performing in the bedroom’ ideal was one that had been with me for a long time!

We went for it together – and are still exploring, with multiple orgasms aplenty, but without the empty or dirty feelings that I used to have. There was definitely an adjustment period… as I felt to honour my body more, there were certain things that no longer felt like they fitted. We didn’t need to discuss much; I found the more connected I was to myself, the more tender, deeper, naturally gentle, amazing, honouring and loving sex became… and sometimes afterwards I would simply say wow! that felt amazing or loving or different from before.

We now know about the difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’.

So what is it? Is it the typical soft music and candlelight that makes the difference? Absolutely not.

We have learnt that ‘making love’ starts with how we are with ourselves and each other throughout all moments in the day… being tender, playful, sexy and fun with each other the majority of the time rather than just turning it on for ‘intimate’ moments. It is about making all daily interactions intimate and special, treating each other with love and respect as a woman and man – rather than just as a mother and father. This does not hold all the time – we are human and both get tired or cranky and have our ‘moments’ – but with the foundation of the relationship based on this understanding it quickly reverts back to more loving interactions that in turn lead to love making… or at the very least, (as we deepen the love with each other), more ‘loving sex’. This has enriched our marriage no end. That feeling of being ‘in love’ or the ‘honeymoon phase’ is present in our relationship and doesn’t feel like it needs to end or dissipate. Our children see their mother and father in love and openly expressing it each and every day and that’s lovely for them, I am sure. I don’t remember seeing that as a child, not in anyone that I knew, which is pretty sad.

By some cultural standards there is the notion (mostly religious) that acceptable and safe sex occurs within marriage, but to me that does not cover many points that require consideration in regards to sex, i.e: is it violent, hard, or forced or expected, or even simply dishonouring and / or lacking in tenderness and care? The fact that this may occur within a marriage would not necessarily help (usually the woman) at all, and may even make it potentially harder to expose it as a form of rape and / or abuse. The Porn industry provides a clear example of how disconnected and abusive sex can be, and it is interesting when you consider the difference between sex and love-making… have you ever seen a truly intimate and loving porn scene? Not that I watch it, but most kids these days are learning about sex through porn sites whether we like it or not, and there is no-one (or very few) teaching or talking about Love-making and sex and the vast difference between the two. I know I would like for my girls to be learning about this, and would love to see it added to the sex education curriculum; I wish I had heard this important distinction as a young girl. Instead we were only taught about ‘the function of the human body’ and how to put a condom on a cucumber, but never about unseen aspects of relationships, the loving gesture, the way we are with another and the deep respect that we can have first for ourselves and then also ask from a partner.

The clincher for me is that I can state wholeheartedly that when they grow up, I wish for our children (two girls) the joy of a loving relationship that includes a healthy Love-Making life. I do not feel the same way about them ‘having sex’. When I think of ‘sex’ being part of my girls’ future relationships, a protectiveness comes up and it conjures up old feelings from my past… I do not wish them a life full of ‘sex’, it doesn’t at all seem to do their grace and beauty justice, and it does not seem to honour them as deeply as they deserve to be honoured. I wish I had understood this when I was younger, but then again I am not that old, and I have it now. This honouring and ever deepening love that my partner and I share in all the seemingly small ways, like how we are with each other on a daily basis, is something that both our girls now can witness as a living model of the foundation on which a relationship can be built. And with this as their example, I know that when the time comes it will now be easier for them to also choose to not settle for anything less.

303 thoughts on “Sex, Drugs… and Making Love

  1. Vile relationships, forceful sex – intrusion. We don’t consider rape when a person is engaging in intercourse out of psychological pressure, out of fear that if they don’t comply they will be harmed. Just because somebody says yes verbally, it does not mean that they are saying yes wholeheartedly. But because we don’t like to consider the world of energy, we are happy to not see that, not feel that and simply relieve ourselves in the act of sex.

  2. Performing in the bedroom is not it. I have been there and done that. There is no love when we pretend to be something that we are not in and out of the bedroom. Being intimate is bringing an honesty to be real, to share openly and lovingly and when played out there is not one jot of need or wanting to be or bring anything else other than the presence and connection to me.

  3. We need to have more sharings like this, real, honest and clearly living an understanding of making love and how it’s different from sex. The more this is shared the more all of us come to know and can live this – that we do not need anything other than making love and that it starts well before in how we are with each other in everything we do.

  4. Thank you for sharing so powerfully from your lived experience and how you have turned that around and are now reflecting a commitment to making love throughout your day. Your daughters are growing up with an understanding of their true worth and this will ripple out to others as they make choices that honour who they are.

  5. We have either taken on the nun uniform and behaviour, or the prostitute – having sex is not a sin, so to say neither does having a lot of sex bring intimacy. Both ends of the spectrum leave us feeling empty, it takes a true connection with another to make love but it takes a true connection with ourselves before that.

  6. Such honesty with which you share Kyla brings depth and truth that is felt in what you write so that one knows the truth of what you share.

  7. This is an amazing and very honest blog – we can have great sex but without love it leaves us empty. We can manage that emptiness but it is not the same.

  8. Building a deeper and truer relationship with ourselves first where we respect and honour our body and the way we move and hold ourselves builds a loving foundation that is inspiring for anyone to feel and know that it is worth valuing ourselves and our innate qualities, not settling for less than the love we deserve to be held in which is the complete opposite to the false and empty love we observe in the media.

  9. Thank you Kyla for a very honest and inspiring blog, the vast difference between sex and making love should be part of the school education, so that teenagers can understand the difference of what is loving and honouring and what is not in the love making scene, so much of the what is not is being fed to them through porn these days.

  10. It’s really a great read Kyla, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly all of your experiences on the road from sex to lovemaking. Sex is a huge part of life, it definitely deserves to go from function to lovemaking including the love that we can share in each moment, and the love and respect we can hold our bodies and ourselves in.

  11. As you’ve mentioned Kyla if we grow up only knowing sex it can be a ‘back to the drawing board’ situation when it comes to making love and the act of being physically together with another. I am starting to understand how vastly different sex is compared to making love which is far greater and richer and more tender than any fireworks or stimulation sex can bring.

  12. The bedroom performance of having sex is well known to me, and the pressures this entails. But I have a sense now that this performance is actually a way to block true intimacy from happening, to ensure that it is sex and not love, and to enable function over unity, harmony and joy.

    1. This is so true Shami. When we fall into the ‘performance mode’, we are somehow protecting ourselves from feeling the vulnerability that comes when we truly open ourselves to the other.

  13. When I was in school sex education was purely functional. What went where and how babies where made. But we are more than functional and theres a whole quality factor to be included, in the actual moment and in the life leading to the bedroom as you’ve shared here.

  14. Kyla I love the way you express in writing and how you have so clearly brought clarity around the differences between having sex and making love. For many of us, me included, have chosen on a superficial level to be ignorant of the differences, but when we start connecting to and listening to our body we know for sure that the two are worlds apart.

  15. “We have learnt that ‘making love’ starts with how we are with ourselves and each other throughout all moments in the day…” I love this. And we can do this, even without a partner.

  16. Making love, as Serge Benhayon presents it, feels very inspiring and includes everyone, wether we are in couple relationship or single. It’s free of images, expectations and doesn’t compromise ourselves in any way. It can be done 24/7 in everything we do without getting exhausted and unsatisfied but complete and very fullfilled. It’s an activity that brings back to us, to the love we really are.

    1. ‘It’s an activity that brings back to us, to the love we really are.’ Yes making love is very confirming for us and all those we come into contact with.

  17. As I could experience in my teenage years, there was no any purpose in sex, just stimulation, entertainment, and in most of the cases, a relief after a busy day. Kyla I can relate the sense of unsatisfaction afterwards that you mentioned and how this leaded me to a fight between what I wanted to belief, that I found my prince charming and that what we created was love, and the truth that was shouting deep down inside me.

    After receiving the teachings from Universal Medicine and applying its principles in my life I can learn what true love is about and how it feels like in my body. I no longer feel this craving of sex or finding “the one” who completes me. Just a feeling of fullness, joy and steadyness that doesn’t need anything else.

  18. Making love, as Serge Benhayon presents it, feels very inspiring and includes everyone, wether if for couples or singles. Unlike sex, it’s free of images, expectations and doesn’t compromise ourselves in any way. It can be done 24/7 without get exhausted but very fullfilled in everything we do as love is a quality that is in us all the time, is simply what we are. I appreciate very much having acces to all this valuable information and being able today feel the truth of what he is presenting within me.

  19. Performing in sex is a big one for many of us, how can we be intimate when we put on a show, it is the opposite of making love and truly connection and celebrating with another being. I know because I have been there and it feels empty, we may get stimulation but we do not honour we we are.

    1. Performing is a way of avoiding the vulnerability that comes with intimacy. Just the opposite of transparency and love.

  20. This honest raw account of your lived experience clearly outlines the difference between having sex and making love. This is a great sharing Kyla.

  21. The difference between sex and making love is incomparable as it is as if one is on a completely different wavelength or plane from the other. It is the difference the act of a one dimensional pure function is to the fact of multidimensionality.

  22. ‘Serge did a short talk on the possibility of a difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’.’ The simplicity yet profundity of what Serge offers us in the opportunity to reconnect to the love within ourselves that is always there to be expressed means that we can no longer ignore the emptiness of having sex and the damage that we do to ourselves when we settle for less.

  23. Chasing orgasms or great sex leads to constant dissatisfaction, even we have have the orgasms, being stimulated is not the answer, it is the intimacy and openness we seek with another, not the mechanical fact of climaxing. Orgasms with love are not the same, the quality is spacious, surrendered and building, it stops becoming about the the goal.

  24. I love the realness of how you share Kyla and how you show that making love is not just that physical moment, but how you’ve been in all those moments with your partner and yourself throughout the day … everything comes with us.

  25. “We have learnt that ‘making love’ starts with how we are with ourselves and each other throughout all moments in the day… being tender, playful, sexy and fun with each other the majority of the time rather than just turning it on for ‘intimate’ moments.” I love this Kyla because it shows that how we feel about ourselves is then outplayed in all facets of ours lives. Making love is an outer expression of an inner way of being and it is not only permitted for just our partners but for all parts of our lives equally so. It is this intimacy in expression we hold for ourselves that then becomes an extension of this inner feeling and that is a pretty gorgeous expression to share with all.

  26. Once we stop doing things that hurt us or leave us empty it is surprisingly important to appreciate how far we have come at that moment otherwise we could fall back into the cycles of excitement or miserableness from before.

  27. Once you know what making love is, having sex doesn’t come anywhere close because making love is so more than the physical act. We do know this and this is why we feel empty and needy after sex, but we have fallen for the pressures that you describe in your teenage years Kyla and respect for what is loving and caring is dismissed for the quick gratification and momentary relief that sex offers..

  28. Thanks Kyla, its awesome to have this truth out there, as my experience from the past was definitely mostly having sex, but how I feel within myself now, there is no way I could accept what I accepted in the past, I cherish my body too much for that.

  29. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Slowly I am coming around to understanding that everything about being human can be expressed in a loving manner. I’ve yet to experience making love as apposed to sex but I feel the resistance to the actual physical act is breaking down. The actions may be the same but it’s how it feels and the quality that define it to be making love or having sex.

  30. Sometimes we see that children will go that old way we were living before even we stopped it now. All is felt as they were small children and that is our karma then reflecting to us.

  31. For many women, and most likely men too, the first sexual experience leaves a lot to be desired. I don’t ever remember sex being spoken about in terms of connection and what a deeply intimate thing it is to share your body in such a way. It was simply an act, one that you should desire to be good at and so on. The way sex is viewed in society is saddening.

  32. I was brought up with the institutionalised religious belief that sex before marriage was wrong and I had to wait until I found the one. I didn’t but I could feel the shame and guilt in my body from taking on this belief. I felt that if I had waited and got married having sex would have been ok no matter whether it was abusive or not and I don’t just mean physically abusive but simply agreeing to have sex when the body is saying ‘No’ there is no doubt that this behaviour of giving away of the body and it is found in institutionalised religion today is abuse towards the body; just one of the many beliefs and ideals that disempower us as women to try and keep us away from living the truth of who we are.

  33. Not settling for anything less than what we feel as women is definitely one we have to look out for. We are known to settle of the attention of men, just so there is exactly that, attention, even if it is unwelcomed attention, we accept it anyway. But in truth we know what we are settling for, it is and can be a reflection of how we view ourselves.

  34. An excellent and honest account I imagine so, so many of us can relate to. Leaving love out of the equation when it comes to sex is a grave mistake and it all stems from not knowing and living our own worth.

  35. I really love the way you and your husband continuously work at being love in your relationship understanding as you do that it is each of your responsibility to bring that love to it and not for it to just be there when expected. And I love the self honouring that you bring, the way you now hold yourself as a woman who deserves to be cherished. This is so beautiful and precious.

    1. Yes, it’s very precious to see a woman that inspires their daughters to honour and cherise themselves as they deserve. I can imagine how blessed and truly cared they are by having the reflection of a parents who are building ongoingly a relationship based on true love.

  36. It is gorgeous to read how you committed to not settling for less, honouring and deepening the love you share so that you can reflect to your girls a loving foundation on which relationships can be built, so that they too will not settle for less than what they know to be true. A lesson everyone should embrace.

  37. Kyla this is so needed in the world and definitely in schools. I didn’t have any role models when it came to a loving relationship. Last year at the age of 40 my husband and I finally after 23 years spoke about our first time having sex together, and it was revelatory to us both. What we had held on to from then had tainted our relationship ever after. The pressure and expectation had gripped us at such an impressionable and delicate age. This opened us up to communicate more openly and honestly that left us both equal. Thank you for writing this profound blog Kyla.

  38. In our dissconnection from ourselves we will seek anything and along the way accept the glittering pieces that are offered to entice us to keep wandering down the same old path that leads to more misery and suffering.

  39. Discovering love-making rather than having sex has brought a whole new of being for me that I am loving. Although I would have so loved to have learnt it in my youth I feel blessed to have been introduced to it in my late fifties/early sixties.

  40. I love how you have been so open and honest in this blog, reading your experience is very healing and inspiring. It is shocking how easily available porn is, and to think that our beautiful innocent children can be watching it and getting influenced is very disturbing. I would like every young women and man growing up to read this.

  41. Until I attended Serge’s workshops and presentations, I didn’t know there was a difference between sex and making love. I thought some just called it one or the other, but when Serge talked about it, you could feel the truth of it in your own body and so when I reflected back on my past history, I could honestly say, I only truly made love a couple of times, and the difference then was, there was no need for an end result and you deeply felt the love from each other.

  42. I know that empty feeling very well after having sex, even within a seemingly loving relationship. To turn this around one would need to have a partner who is open to exploring another way, otherwise we would always be pulled back into the old way. To come out of the neediness we need to be willing to honour and love ourselves to the max, and this would mean a whole new way of relating to a partner. I have yet to be able to hold myself in a relationship in such a way, but if I ever get a chance to explore with someone who is open to true love I am sure this would be absolutely amazing.

    1. This is what I have found and such a important point to consider in any relationship, “To turn this around one would need to have a partner who is open to exploring another way, otherwise we would always be pulled back into the old way.” The being ‘pulled back into the old way’ can be such a comfort and not wanting to bring love to the relationship. It’s committing to ourselves even when a partner is not, and not deviating away from that.

      1. A very good point Aimee. It is not only the partner that can pull us back into the old way, for we are responsible for holding ourselves, whether the partner can meet us there or not.

  43. This article makes it clear that there should be no sex education in schools. There should be discussions on relationships; a loving relationship with yourself and with others and the tenderness of intimacy in making love.

    1. Perhaps ‘sex education’ should be ‘love education’ but at present how many teachers would be able to teach it from experience?

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