by Anonymous, Australia
This month’s Women’s Weekly printed an article on the phenomenon of the novel Fifty Shades of Grey. The article points out it is “far and away the fastest selling book in Australian history”. It has sold 20 million copies worldwide, more than Twilight and Harry Potter. This could indicate it is a fair barometer of where Western middle class women are at. A brief synopsis of the book is that it is about a virgin college graduate and a billionaire lover who has a bondage dungeon called ‘The Red Room of Pain’. She plays a completely submissive role, where the lover does everything for her and they engage in erotic sex, including bondage, riding crops and handcuffs.
The book’s Facebook page is full of reports of renewed vigour and libido in women’s lives – and very happy, satisfied husbands as a result. But what can we draw from this phenomenon? Could it be possible that the female readers, mainly married mothers (the book has been dubbed ‘mummy porn’), have been without deep intimacy and affection in their marriages, and to admit that their lives are lacking this deeper quality is too painful to face? The engaging of the eroticism from this book then suddenly has aroused a renewed vigour in the bedroom, and love is deemed to have been rediscovered in their lives – but maybe all that has happened is that more sex has substituted for a deeper intimacy and affection of love, and the painful absence of that previously being longed for, is abated.
But is this phenomenon new? Women have been interested in erotic literature for decades. Is it just today’s more open society that allows women to be seen publicly reading this material and openly discussing it with their friends? Could it be that women have secretly been reading erotic literature for years in search of fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives? I just this morning watched a film review of a movie called Hysteria, based on a true story about professors who helped women in the late 1800’s cure their mental health disorders by advocating masturbation. These gentlemen, in their endeavours to cure women of their wan-ness, go on to create the world’s first vibrator. Better get this movie on the ‘to watch’ list?
Reviews report that the submissive nature of the female character in Fifty Shades adds to the appeal for the readership because it reflects their exhaustion, and the idea of someone doing everything for them is pretty enticing.
Nikki Gemmel wrote a similar book a few years ago called The Bride Stripped Bare. She now writes a weekly feature article in an Australian weekend newspaper. Her article on the Fifty Shades book makes mention that women are thrilled with themselves to be able to achieve the sexual exploits the books allude to – it almost empowers them. But what if, over time, the exploits do not fulfill the void they are experiencing – could these newly discovered bedrooms antics leave them feeling exploited, deceived, maybe even abused? What possible future fall-out could this have on their self-esteem?
So what can we draw about women in their livingness from the phenomenon of this book? The reality that many women are living ‘without deep intimacy’ and are ‘constantly exhausted’, perhaps? And is an increased sex life going to actually address this lack of deep intimacy, or will the exhaustion just be increased from all that late night frolicking? As women we all have an opportunity to truly reflect on what is going on. When I read the articles on a site like this, and perhaps when others do too, there is the sense that life doesn’t have to be the barren wasteland of lack-of-true-love so often felt by many women, but that we can instead look inside ourselves and connect to the beauty that already lies therein.
Now that is something worth reading about.
Women in Livingness Blog 
Sex, sex and more sex takes both men and women further and further away from true intimacy.
Anything – advert film, soap, or magazine that promotes promiscuity and porn is actively brining societies standards down.
The consequences of such a film on a nation is actually huge and not in a positive way.
Sex sells to those who are avoiding true love.
“Could it be that women have secretly been reading erotic literature for years in search of fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives?”
In answer to your question, yes, I would say so. This then prompts us to ask a bigger question and that is why as a society have we been afraid of our own intimacy and affection.
I have had different phases in my exploration of what it means to me in a women’s body and have learnt lots along the way. And I know without doubt that the only way to have a meaningful relationship with anyone We first must be honest with ourselves and hold ourselves as worth loving. Then the magic can be connected with….
‘Reviews report that the submissive nature of the female character in Fifty Shades adds to the appeal for the readership because it reflects their exhaustion, and the idea of someone doing everything for them is pretty enticing.’ This is a sad reflection on where so many women are at currently that being submissive in any way, but especially in such an abusive situation, could ever feel appealing. Until we are willing to take responsibility for our own self care in every aspect of our lives books like this will continue to sell abusive solutions that harm both men and women.
I agree, there is something going on concerning our self worth to play the role of someone who wants abuse and also to pressure men to take that role of the abuser. We eliminate true intimacy when we make it about roles we play and not two beings meeting, open, raw, real and truly connected.
Love is the opposite of abuse. The fact that this kind of films become a success shows the level of disconnection our society is living in.
What I feel reading this is how we’re constantly looking for solutions and how those solutions never quite satisfy us, and never address the underlying issue, the lack of connection we have with ourselves.
Its sad we have come to this, unfortuanlty these types of films show how far away from real love, as a society we really are.
It is interesting how we call erotic images of people having sex as pornography, and that it is widely known that this is often turned to by mostly men in search of having a sense of intimacy. And yet, when women read what is called erotic literature, which is widely available for them, this is not so commonly placed under the same banner as it for men, that it is pornography in a different way, but a way that is just as isolating and sought to fill a gap in one’s life that is not otherwise being met. Why is it different? And why do we accept this as normal?
More and erotic sex can never be a substitute for intimacy, it may fulfil a moment, no different to food, but we are still left feeling empty and wanting more, and we continue to feel exhausted, tired and unfulfilled.
I understand that it can be difficult to talk about intimacy with your partner, to express the want for more when the way it is has been set over many years. And so it makes sense that when a book comes along it can seem like the perfect kick-start to opening up new possibilities within the relationship. But if a woman does not know to begin with the sacred depths of her love and the intimacy that this can bring to all of her relationships, then surely there will remain to be just sex and nothing more.
We like to think there is a difference between the things that we do, that being angry, sad or upset are human things and ok. But what I am feeling strongly today is that these are all many shades of the same energy that is not Love. So we can colour it and label it however we like – but the fact is it’s not true and is just a different varietiy of abuse.
There can never be a substitute in this world for being moved by the love we are, as when we are aligned with this vibration we are everything and with all that is Divine.
” Now that is something worth reading about.”
Yes Gina thank you. But its sad to think that its 2018 and a story about a woman giving her power away to a man still holds sway with women folk and men folk.
There is absolutely nothing in this world that can truly fulfil a woman or her relationships other than her being true self. For a woman to reconnect to her essence she then knows what is honouring or not for herself, as her relationship to her is what restores her, not fads, books or gimmicks.
Yes, there are many people in the world living without deep intimacy, true love and affection in their marriage, it is sad that in fact many women ‘are living ‘without deep intimacy’ and are ‘constantly exhausted’.
I fail to see how erotic frolicking can bring about a closer relationship with a partner. For one it involves the inflicting of pain to one or both parties (even if not intentional the positions and equipment are uncomfortable and sometimes causing pain themselves) allowing ourselves or another to be in pain is not the basis for deepening love in a relationship.
“…. but maybe all that has happened is that more sex has substituted for a deeper intimacy and affection of love, and the painful absence of that previously being longed for, is abated.” Good call Gina. We all want intimacy and if sex is the best substitute women can get its no surprise that Fifty Shades of Grey took women’s literature by storm. A sad indictment of where we hold ourselves as women in society today.
We can get a rush from successfully achieving a goal, but if that thing isn’t true, what does it all add up to? We entertain ourselves with all the different flavours of our choices, but as your sharing shows Gina, if it’s not coming from our heart it’s not really us. The rest are just variations on a very sad theme.
Sharing what is real, true and sustainable, plus offers role modelling to women and girls of all ages feels like a wonderful way to celebrate being the full and complete women we are. Sex – even good sex is like chocolate, it’s all there while it’s happening and then there is the sense of wanting more at sometime. Connection to ourselves is on 24/7 if we choose – a different quality and completely loving. Does any form of sexual gratification include true love?
To realise that true intimacy and connection with another begins first within us and how we are with ourself busts through the idea that we need another to bring intimacy to us or that we can’t initiate it ourself.
I think it’s a great thing to raise about using sex or fantasizing as a substitute for true intimacy – and to ask if this is actually something women (and I would say men also) have been craving for a long time… And I would also say what if true intimacy is something that begins first with us, with how transparent we are willing to be with another and perhaps the popularity of this book is showing us that living in protection or thinking we need to put out a certain image or facade is getting in the way of us being more open and truly intimate in our relationships.
It is true intimacy we seek and it has nothing to do with bedroom theatrics. Connection with ourselves and our bodies allows us to be truly empowered from the sacredness we are.
Distractions and pandering to our desires leads us down a dead-end road to being lost in our heads. Connection, true intimacy and following our heart leads us out of the maze of the fantasy running through our head and into true meaningful relationships with our self and others.
Sex is like cocaine, you can become hooked on it. Over time more and more is required to achieve the same bliss until your body reaches the point of, is that amount of work for a possible moment of ecstasy worth all that effort? Whereas making love has no pictures or expectations just honouring each other.
It is same with other distractions in life too; our behaviours are becoming more extreme as a way to numb all we truly feel.
Great points raised Gina. Sex is not the answer for the lack of intimacy we feel, but only offers another momentary distraction from the lovelessness we feel. Although I have not read this book, I understand what it is about and how it suggests another way to escape from addressing the loveless we have allowed in our lives, instead of embracing an honest, loving and honoring relationship with ourselves and the partner we are with. As from this point there is no need for anything other than coming together to make love to confirm the love lived, as anything else feel like an abuse to the exquisiteness of the sacredness of love that is lived and shared.
Beautifully said Gina. The popularity of books like Fifty Shades of Grey is easy to understand as books like these offer a bandaid solution to an issue that people need support with without asking the consumer to take any responsibility for the predicament they find themselves in. When we truly reach a point where we want to address the lack of love in our lives we will not need erotic fiction or other material that teaches us to seek outside ourselves for fulfilment.
Beautifully said Gina. I ask myself, would my soul encourage abusive sexual practices? I know it would not because when I connect to my soul I am left with no doubt that I am precious and deserving of absolute love and respect.
Yes, when we ask to our soul there is always a loving answer that makes clear what is harming and what is not. Great to have this communication always available in our life to discern.
I can relate to fantasies about being submissive with men, for me I can feel that it was a lot about not being in my power and holding my own responsibility in life, it was like giving myself up and waiting for some else to decide whats happens. It thinking life is just to tough, I want a break, you handle it…”masterfully”. Yuck I say, it is imposing on men and does not honour who I am, taking responsibility for ourselves and expressing who we are and appreciating that shifts this behaviour, it is however a behaviour that many women and men conform to and it hurts our relationships.
This book demeans both women and men in its stereotypical fantasy portrayal and exposes how restlessly so many women search for another distraction from the lack of intimate relationship with themselves. It is only when women start reclaiming their own worth and beauty that the tide will turn as intimacy with self is explored and expressed.
Well said Helen, especially the fact that this book is demanding of both men and women. We are designed to adore each other.
What’s next? I agree there has always been and always will be an interest in fixing the ‘boredom in the bedroom’ if we choose to seek something ‘out there’. The cycle will just keep carrying on with what may seem new ideas and experiments but really just another spin on what has been going on for centuries until the moment arrives when we realise that what we have been craving is true intimacy with ourselves in our every movement with our ourselves in our every day lives.
From what I gather about the book, the sexual encounters are not about intimacy. Intimacy is what fulfils us – not sex. If we therefore are getting excited about sexual exploits, to me alarm bells go off as to why this is the case. It feels we are missing something entirely.
Is this another thing to try and then to find it wanting?
Films and books like fifty shades of grey do nothing but harm to our personal relationships and to our society.
‘Life doesn’t have to be the barren wasteland of lack of true love’ – if we’re not willing to be honest, open and transparent with ourselves, and how we really feel, then how can we really be this way with others? Our primary relationship is with ourselves, and understanding and feeling what it is to love ourselves, first.
It’s very true Gina, in the absence of a deeper intimate relationship with ourselves and the richness we are within, we will seek the allure of a more outer quick fix to our emptiness.
To substitute sex for intimacy will never fill the void we feel, it may satisfy us for a little while but the emptiness of having sex and lack of intimacy will surface again. Until we are more honest with ourselves as women and stop pandering to the needs of others and listen to our inner heart, we will have books like Fifty Shades of Grey that entice and encourage but end up leaving us feeling mis-used, abused and disempowered.
Great blog Gina, you have spoken about a lot here, about women claiming themselves sexually, a lack of true intimacy and deep connection and asking why is it that women need to get lost in books or movies to feel fulfilled. The phenomenal success of these books does shine a light on the fact that there is a real emptiness in a lot of women in their relationship with themselves.
The lack of empowerment of women is an age-old tale… their submission in part comes from accepting the messages of suppression that are cast out through a largely misogynistic world that has not yet embraced true equality. Glamourising this however through books and movies does not make it okay for the message is still relayed…. do not be in your power and accept abuse… this is love. But this is not love.
When a partner wants to have late night sex and the other party wants to go to sleep, there may be a misunderstanding that the partner who wants to sleep does not love the partner who wants to be intimate. Although this may be true for some, but what if the partner who wants to sleep is simply respecting the knowing of intimacy that both partners equally know, by living that in respect to the body and sleeping when it is tired–and the key is to appreciate that although this is perhaps going against the belief of what intimacy is to couples or even what love is, but not giving up the holding of love for ourselves and thus for another, even when there is reaction from the one in bed next to you. And yet always going deeper and lifting another to the same equality of love that we know we are, we have then deepened this love for ourselves and is going already to another level of love and stillness.
Without the intimacy that comes from connection to us, what follow is a rollercoaster of emotion and not Love. Reading your questions about 50 Shades of Grey Gina, makes me realise, although I have never read the book that the type and quality of life I have mostly lead is very similar – one where I seek a momentary hit, a high from food, people or music to ‘make up’ for the rest of life. What if we lived Love every moment, enjoying the presence and quality of our movements? Then I feel like these extreme titillations would carry no appeal or weight. There is only 1 colour we truly desire and that is the hue of pure Love.
It is disturbing that fifty shades is so successful with women…it imprisoned men in the doer the boss the subjugator and it imprisons women into the being done to, subjugated needy woman. IT is important to ask ourselves the question as women…why is it that we would find it desirable to be treated in this way, be in ‘fantasy’ or in life? It is something I have been asking my self as I reflect on relationships I have had and ideas and beliefs I have accumulated as I have grown up about female and male relationships.
Yes, worth considering for sure. Nothing empowering for either men or women here.
That so many women across the globe have read this book and on the back of its success now a film has been made, points to the truth that women are seeking intimacy and looking in the wrong direction for it. It is time for women all over the world to connect to themselves and build self intimacy first. From there books like these would lie on shelves gathering dust, forgotten and no longer needed.
More sex does not equate to more intimacy and submissive demeaning bondage acts is not making love.
“Could it be that women have secretly been reading erotic literature for years in search of fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives?” When I was a teenager I read romantic books and even though it is not explicit the sex scenes were often very well discribed! So I agree it has been there before only in a different form, as in romantic love instead of erotic sex involving handcuffs etc. yet the promotion of having sex over making love is the same. Making love starts with a truly loving relationship with yourself and your partner.
Hey Lieke, I read loads of romantic books as a teenager too and not ONE ever ever described a truly loving relationship that someone had with themselves – isn’t that fascinating?
Yes very fascinating, what a different world would it be if there would be true books and true magazines like Women in Livingness Magazine for young women to read instead of what is around at the moment. No need for a speech but I can sense that if there are so many problems in relationships at the moment, that young women are being more and more objectified, seen as sex objects and woman health issues are going through the roof, isn’t it then very important to look at all these little details as what we are reflecting to young (and old) women through books, media etc etc.?
Yeh, essentially books as they are currently written are just another way we are confirmed in not being enough as women. It’s like movies – we think it’s just casual entertainment but what if the messages and the way they sexualise women are much more insidious than we realise, and helps keep perpetuating this as normal?
Empowerment is knowing who you are and living it every day, you can never find it in giving your power away to another person, relationship or activity.
We know and confirm who we are through allowing ourselves to feel, to reconnect to our own breath, and through our movements: the most simplest of things, and within us all.
I agree with you fully Gina, a passage of truth is being expressed here. There is no need to be in shock of this news actually, only when you had chosen to be blind for it. As you say, we had been craving this intimacy for so so long, yet we might have been better at hiding it – and now seemingly it is out there in the open.
The other important point you made was: how the film or book producers are very well aware of the level where we as a society are, hence they know exactly what we are looking for. But, in the other way if we truly wanna make a change, we can use this awareness to evolve, and make the films and books about evolution, not to further dwell in the observations (this case the longing of intimacy) but to actually support ourselves and people to come out of them. As you shared: by going back within and feel what it is we need truly to evolve and contribute in a positive way.
Until we admit that we use sex to mask our hurt for not living true to the love that we are and honouring our connection to this sacredness, we will forever fall prey to the forces that seek to keep us in this separated state by pandering to the desires within us that look for relief and not true healing.
Yes, what women are truly missing is this connection to the sacredness that is our nature.
This just goes to show that most of us are looking for a distraction . . . anything to grasp onto to avoid facing ourselves and taking responsibility for the lovelessness we have created in our life. We all have different ways of mastering avoidance.
We can manipulate ourselves through imaginations and pictures into a state of being exited till satisfied – for a moment. But after this we do not feel amazing, do not feel adorable, are not totally sure about our beauty. This pictures and imaginations draw us in a world that is not true and we may have a bit entertainment in it for a while. But truth is calling us and in fact we are longing for true intimacy – not a false picture one. And true intimacy has never every anything to do with pain or games.
I know what I am talking about! I have used erotic imaginations most of my life to stimulate me till I started to study my life with Universal Medicine. To open up again for people and specially in my relationship did offer me true connections and I was able to let go of the imaginations – in fact i did not like them anymore, as after them I felt not beautiful. But in true connection – firstly to myself and than also with others – I feel my beauty, my worth, my preciousness and to celebrate all of this is a joy and what it is what we call: making love.
Yes the difference between making love and having a whoop of a sexual encounter are worlds apart. Making love leaves us feeling honoured and confirmed in the beauty of our womanliness ,and being able to share this and truly meet another is a joy.
Having worked with women world wide for over 10 years, the common theme that comes up for them is that they are lacking connection with them self there fore seeking out side stimulation. No wonder this movie is such a success it is easier for most to fantasize, then to commit to re-connecting with our self and face what needs to be felt in this process back to self.
It’s great that you have started the conversation about intimacy and what it truly means as most of us clearly from the sale of the book, have absolutely, no idea. For me now, after building on my own self love and continuing to deepen that, the intimacy that I have felt with myself and others, is not what I experienced in past so called intimate relationships, where there was sex involved. This is just a gorgeous holding of myself and others from my own built on love, no sex involved. True intimacy, is simply divine and is a very precious moment to experience with another.
Finding and connecting to the beauty that already lies within? I would prefer mommys porn…bit saucier don’t you think? I’m joking hahah but in all seriousness, if we get off on fantasying or replaying something that we have read in the latest novel, how long do we really think this excitement is going to last? I know that things like that are very short lived because they are not from you but instead based around being like something that you have read. To have a lasting and meaning-full relationship in the bedroom that truly satisfies you in more ways than just one, you need to have that relationship with yourself and of course build it with your partner outside the bedroom. Make the time and have fun in the ‘mundane’ moments because every moment together can be amazing and magical if you change you intention.
The world lacks intimacy, only by being truly intimate with self can we then start to be truly intimate with another, building and deepening our love and connection helps to support this.
This book sold like wild fire across the globe, many women feeling liberated in some way, reading something they felt they shouldn’t and feeling like that were being naughty. But what it really exposed is just how incredibly empty a lot of women are feeling and a true lack of intimacy they are experiencing in their life. It wasn’t liberating ‘at all’, it was actually nothing of the sort.
There is no true sacredness in submission and thus no true ‘empowerment’ for women when they are led down this path.
What I love about your blog Gina is that it is bringing to light the current world’s lack of deeply intimate connections. The only real way to solve this, is to bring it back to our own self loving rhythm and therein lies we will discover how to make love in our everyday. Our connection to self is what can really highlight how much intimacy we accept or deny.
Thank you Gina. I remember how popular this book was when it first came out. It was on the desk of almost every woman I worked with and the subject of much conversation around the water cooler. I was never tempted to read it as the stories I heard from my friends about it were enough to confirm that I did not want any part of what this book was selling but that is only because at that point I had reconnected to the fact that I no longer wanted sex. I wanted to make love. This blog site is filled with amazing examples of what making love is and the way it can be a part of every day and that is definitely worth reading about.
Our relationship with sex can seem a bit like the one we have with sugar. One part is not enough, inherently it keeps us hooked and looking for more of a hit. As you powerfully point out Gina, like sugar this is something we can use to overlay our life with a veneer of ‘good times’ and momentary highs, all the time avoiding the emptiness inside. We’re so addicted it seems that we keep seeking more intense stimulation every time taking us to dark places as we see with this book. What a wake up call to the world it would be if we all got to experience what it feels like to truly make love. Then I feel literature like this would not exist, not because it was bad or banned, but simply that people knew there was so much more.
Underneath we know that these quick fixes will eventually bring us back to where we started – the truth is do we really want to live the responsibility & commitment that it takes to truly know intimacy with ourselves and others.
The success of this book is a sad reflection of the lack of intimacy in so many women’s lives that they are desperately searching for a substitute but ultimately it is only an apparent temporary fix and then they once again have to face the void in their lives. Hopefully some will get to read your article and make the choice to start connecting to the beauty within themselves so they have no need of empty substitutes.
It’s interesting how a book can change someone’s appetite and behaviours towards sex, this has got to be proof that books also are energy and their energy effects us massively.
Very true Meg, so where we choose to put our energy and what it is we are supporting is significant. Why would we want to support that which takes us further from true connection and intimacy with another?
Absolutely – there’s so much more going on than meets the eye.
Yes ‘spicing up our sex life’ can hardly be a movement towards a more loving relationship unless the need for more spice is first addressed. The amazing articles on this website are dealing with the real issues of intimacy and this means being able to experience the most amazing, erotic love making simply by lying with your partner, looking into each others eyes and feeling your body come alive through true connection.
The beauty of intimacy shared within relationships brings a depth of honesty and realness to our connections like nothing else. Opening up and allowing our vulnerability to speak is the true power that can bring change to how we connect within our world today.
A conversation on true intimacy is very needed in society today, when we have books like this going viral, championing submission and control as being something that might spice up an intimacy lacking relationship. True intimacy never holds anyone less or more. It is a depth of love and connection where you really let someone in, letting them see you without the usual protection and barriers we so often let rule our lives.
This is so true Sara physical intimacy is not true full intimacy.
While I haven’t read the book, I have learnt from my own experiences that to be submissive within any relationship will never lead to feeling empowered. It is the complete opposite as it is a choice to give away our power.
I never read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ but I imagine when all the initially excitement has worn down from the renewed sexual exploits and bedroom antics from many who have read this book (and that goes for the men too), they are left with the feeling of disappointment because it is of course true, it is not sexual excitement they are looking for, because that can be short lived, it is true intimacy which is found in our ever deepening connections with each other in honesty, truth and true love.
Why is it that we are so fearful of true intimacy and choose to engage in sex devoid of any true connection?
The world is awash with our words on what we like and choose to do. Yet from erotic literature to self-help does it actually get to the truth? Does it touch your heart? Does it feel like why we are here on earth? Or is it that we have filled our lives with a million activities that are actually the same, varied tones of the same grey? This grey is the dullness of distraction, of numbing from who we are, of a life lived with deadness and suppressing what we feel. So when will we admit that all that we have created is not IT? And start to become honest that we all know and long to show that there is so much more to us and life when we let out our true colour and our light. Thank you Gina for speaking up on the state of greys in our every day.
I too remember all the hype about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and chose not to read it, a book is read to keep the imagination stimulated, I would rather live in the truth of life, than the imagination of another.
I too never read this book. Being aware that all that we read is what we are literally ‘consuming’ I decided I would pass, preferring to instead use my time a little more wisely.
Gina your article really confirms for me the importance of Esoteric Women’s Health for women everywhere. Fads like this book are enticing to fill an emptiness, yet this inner emptiness can only truly be filled by reconnecting to the true qualities we hold as women, and by cherishing and adoring ourselves from a foundation of self love. This is what Esoteric Women’s Health has done for me, and life then transforms from the inside out – without any “need” for something outside me to fill the gap or provide excitement, stimulation or distraction.
Thank you for writing this GIna. There is no judgement in what you have written here and I love the understanding and delicacy that you bring to this topic.
No amount of porn or erotic sex can match true love and intimacy.
Very interesting. It’s a beautiful invite to “read” phenomena like bestsellers. To observe which blockbusters make it to the top 10, what program is shown on TV on Saturday evening – it shows where (at least ‘western’) humanity is at. Right now entertainment highly stimulates the nervous system and dulls the senses. It reflects humanity’s exhaustion and desire for numbed comfort.
Agreed Felix. People want respite from what they are feeling and one of the ways this has been happening is through the increased use of pornography for both men and women. It’s a sad indicator when all people can think they can do is to take time here and there to indulge in some form for relief but have given up on thinking that they can live their lives any other way over all.
Around the time the movie came out (I have not read the book or watched the film) I did come across a few articles that warned that such film was normalising domestic violence. And I would say it is supporting domestic violence to be acceptable. As you shared Gina in the articles you found that women were reading this book and then finding excitement in their sex life again. But increasingly in the media porn is becoming the norm. Why is it that we are allowing and normalising the images of love only being achieved in this way? in violence, abuse and exploitation. It’s simply not acceptable and yet if nothing different is reflected in the world how do we know any different or that this is abusive in the first place? Thank God for Esoteric Women’s Health showing that women are worthy of respect, love and care firstly from themselves and then whoever they choose as a partner or in any relationships. This level of respect is turning the tide on what and how women (and men as this behaviour is not solely degrading of women but of the men equally so) should be treated and related to.
Our understanding of love and intimacy must be way off when books like this gain so much popularity and command such high profits.
Discernment is really needed with the media as they are always selling something that involves a profit for someone somewhere down the line. This book 50 Shades of Grey is just another distraction away from how we truly feel, a temporary “filler” to disguise the fact we feel empty inside from our own lack of inner connection and self love. Life is meant to be so much more, however we won’t get there if we allow the latest fad to constantly detour us away from honouring what we know is true within.
Great blog Gina and one that relates to nearly every women worldwide. We so deeply miss true intimacy that we are willing to have empty sex to please another and gain relief just to avoid feeling what we miss. This further devastates our self worth. It has saddened me to remember how I used to have sex and why. I was pushing intmacy away and I was pushing my partner away as much as possible. I was a master at this. The truth is that both men and women are seraching for this intimacy. When I look back I was the one in relationships who was most determined to avoid intimacy. It is a myth that men do not miss that intimacy too.
” Could it be that women have secretly been reading erotic literature for years in search of fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives? ” A good question Gina. Although I haven’t read the book or seen the film I have friends who have and told me they enjoyed it. We need to return to love, not sex for intimacy and that starts with loving and appreciating ourselves. Then, as women, we wouldn’t submit to the degrading behaviour (porn) that the book apparently describes. We would value ourselves as too precious and would deeply cherish our bodies.
I got the clear message reading this blog how sex and erotica can be used for titillation and stimulation, putting oneself on a high that feels good while it lasts. The very idea of fantasy can keep this going and obviously the hype and talk about the book mentioned adds to this. So this reflects a culture of distraction from what is really going on. The high levels of domestic violence, sexual abuse, not to mention rampant disease and many other factors are constantly being swept under the carpet. I applaud blogs like this which suggest there is another way to live addressing the truth of human nature and returning many aspects of life back to making love – not only in a physical sense but in all expression.
When we are connected to the pure love we hold within ourselves, and connect to another the feeling of love felt is so deep and true. Those who seek pleasure from Fifty Shades of Grey, are missing out on a connection that is vital, natural, fulfilling and true.
I am sure it is the case that many people who seek pleasure from the scintillating temptations of erotic literature don’t know where else to look, unaware that they are looking in the wrong place, which may lead to temporary relief and escapism but in the long term just leads to more emptiness and looking for the next ‘fix’. Universal Medicine has the answers for me and I would recommend to anyone who was seeking the truth of life to give it a look. What Universal Medicine offers is far more fun than a quick fix or transient pleasure.
I’ve been in relationships without deep intimacy (more likely just even intimacy) and affection and it’s not great. I felt like I was really missing out.
I feel you bring up a very valid point, Gina. Is the renewed sex life in women’s marriages going to fix the exhaustion levels and the deep lack of intimacy in their relationships and also the lack of intimacy with themselves? Of course not, surely it’s just applying a band aid on an open wound that is just going to get deeper and deeper and the emptiness they will then feel will only fester! Women in Livingness know that they can connect with themselves on a very deep level, not just on a daily basis but on a moment to moment basis, filling the emptiness that was once their with a deep pure love the more that they do this. It’s a truly amazing feeling and is open for all women to choose love above all else. More women need to try it, that’s for sure.
I’m trying it, and I’m loving it Belinda. There is nothing that comes close to that feeling of love and appreciation that I have for myself. And yes, more women need to try it, but first we have the reflect it back to them to they remember who they are too!
If we are honest and look around we can see that there are not just ’50 Shades of Grey’ in women’s erotic literature, but in the whole life. We seek stimulation and excitement from almost anything, but next to the radiance of true joy and the warmth of the inner heart, the rest is just a shade of grey to me.
I remember the book being a huge hit and then the movie came out in equally big popularity. The fact that it has a sexual energy with it that is no different to mainstream porn shows an ill in society where we can get away with how things appear but not their true energetic quality
I love how this blog is without sensation or judgement Gina, but just undresses the phenomenon of 50 Shades of Grey, to see what may lay underneath. From the simple points you made here, it seems compared to true intimacy and connection the 50 shades are very much one same hue of a type of limited stimulation. Rather than just applying to the bedroom, I get the feeling this may apply to all of life – how long have we be settling for temporary excitement in place of lasting joy and Love?
Yes Katie, even though we might try hard to make up for the lack of intimacy , we know that it is not even possible to match that up with such act. It it lays in the heart, not the physical act. Time to wrap it up and get all together and discuss what is truly supporting us to build intimacy real and forever. As this has never worked.
If you look at the need of pornographic image and story, we also can conclude that indeed we need more and more stimulation (storywise or imaginary) to fullfill our needs. Yet, we can feel the extremes of stories, such as the Fifty Shades of Grew, that we have attempt to and support. It is absolute ridicilous , yet we can tracé this as seed of the need and lack of love in ourselves and the lack of intimicy with ourselves and others. As I know from my own life, I have experienced that the more I was further away from myself and my knowing (who I am), I was feeling a lack within myself that even stimmulation had no hold on, or maybe temporally, as Gina so well described. We should see this rising of ‘popularity’ of this movie see as a warning that we have come to the extremes at the expense of our love-building – and so this movie and all sorts of stories books are abusing human liefs.
I agree with your observations Gina. The fact that the hype and appeal of Fifty Shades of Grey caused such a stir is a sad reflection on the state of many relationships. ‘Mummy porn’ is another step after romantic novels away from women feeling true intimacy in their own relationships.
Thank you Gina for a very informative blog, I have had no idea about these books, b they seem so popular because people are looking and longing for deep intimacy not found in themselves or their relationships, this so called freedom, is only to debase oneself, but at what cost to themselves, always looking for more.
Wow Gina , an exposing and insightful blog. Your question – ‘But is this phenomenon new?’ – reminds me of the old ‘Mills and Boon’ books, easy and quick reads used to satisfy the cravings for love and intimacy of women in years gone by. To consider this era’s reading is quite disturbing and the lengths some women are prepared to go to, to fill the emptiness and lack of connection. It is great to be writing, reading, questioning what’s going on and as you have clearly stated – ‘As women we all have an opportunity to truly reflect on what is going on’. There is an amazing and beautiful, loving woman within waiting to be expressed – she is tender, delicate and sacred and the time has come for this to be re-claimed.
Even if I have not read the book and I did not know what was all about either, the fact that this is a mum’s porn book and that sells like hot bread is revealing of something that it is not and people miss out. The book makes an offer of what it is and how to get it back. By playing submissive and by resorting to imagination you get back a man’s interest and thanks to this, the sex spark ignites again. But, is this it?
It would be fascinating to read the experiences of these women who went through this and see if this was truly it or if what was missing is still missing.
The book certainly exposed the desperation in women, looking for love and connection. It gives the false hope that more sex will change the situation, but the lack of intimacy will still be there after the sex is over. For true intimacy is not about sex it is the connection and relationship with self first that allows you the intimacy with another. The love making is the expression of that intimacy that you feel for you first, that is expressed with and to another.
Gina you raise a valid issue – these soft porn books and movies reveal a lack of intimacy in our relating. It’s like the emptiness never gets filled, and once the novelty of the new adventures in sex, or an extramarital affair, will only offer relief for so long. Is that why there is an increasing appetite for more extreme porn, and why mainstream magazines, TV, music video clips and movies are increasingly including graphic sex? And sex toys? I’m from an older generation and I was so naive compared to young people today. There was always someone, usually an uncle or male family acquaintance, who would be risque with sexual innuendo, and I recall women usually commenting that they were all talk and bluster, implying that fantasy was filling a need that was not otherwise satisfied.
It is interesting that a book and movie can become such a phenomena when if you took away the allure of the billionaire status the movie has all the markers of domestic abuse and control. So then the question is.. why is giving your power away or for a man to control every part of your life considered desirable? Maybe it exposes that there are many women who don’t want to take responsibility for their lives and so there is an appeal to give it over to another… therefore highlighting the level of disconnection women live in to the beauty and power they actually possess.
If I am honest I had ‘dreams’ like that in the past – to give my power away to a men in a sexual way…and imagined it as would be great. But in the real world experience the opposite feeling was taking place. I always had have feelings of guilt therefore as well. Now I know it is just a reflection of
– I am longing for Intimacy
– I am avoiding responsibility
– I am avoiding my power
and I realized that all I ever wanted lies within me. To accept and to appreciate that (who I am) is a blessing. My expression of who I am is a sharing of my beauty and power and offers true intimacy – I am the one who can fulfill my longings.
Oh my God Samantha Westall, this is brilliant, this is absolute phenomial what you share here. You should write a blog about this exact exposure you have given us. Indeed, woman who like that actually like that because then the responsibility of them stepping up is given away. I actually feel that I was once like that , never really taken responsiblity for my life and rather I had chosen to give it away and I was pleased if it was taken up so I had not to deal with it. It is since I become a student of The Way Of The Livingness that I am actually taking responsibility for my life and no longer letting my responsibility be in the hands of others, I do no longer allow that. And I must say, it feels so great! At the same time I absolutely understand what you have written here above – and so it is a matter of stripping away the hurts and taking responsibility for our lives – then we do not need the drama of feeling appealed, succeeded, pleased, pampered, emotional, abused etc. in any way. Simple because we have chosen to take our responsibility.
To me this is another case of how willing somen are to settle for less, but also to not follow what they truly feel within and ask for it (love and intimacy) but instead to degrade themselves further by signing up, en masse to a fad like this book, which is fed to them as the way forward to spice up their perhaps dissatisfying lives. The fact that they are also enticed to the fantasy of signing away their bodies to a bit of a perv is also a worry! And let’s face it, if the guy in the book was an average Jo and not a billionaire how attractive would the scenario be? Does this also indicate that women want to be taken care of in every way, from decisions made about their bodies whilst in handcuffs, to whatever money they do or don’t receive? Very insightful the way you have reflected back on the livingness of women.
Thank you for the great points that you raise Gina. The sexual relief that is championed is not about making love, it is a distraction that takes us as women further away from deepening our sacredness and relationship with true intimacy.
So true Jenny because when it is gone (the sexual acts/relief) the issue remains the same. It can only be temporary relief until we look at what is going on underneath it all.
It is amazing what we can learn from each phenomenon that unfolds in our culture. Rather than accepting what we “see” on face value (ie. a great book that is restoring women’s libidos) it is clearly important to scratch a little deeper beneath the surface to uncover what is really going on (ie. the exhaustion and lack of deep intimacy felt by women). Instead of championing things (eg. books) that serve to momentarily mask these alarm bells, should we not be looking at how we can truly heal what is really going on? A great expose Gina. Thank you.
This is great Gina, you propose a lot of questions for us to consider. What really stands out for me is the book about shades is only bringing to light the way intimacy is so misinterpreted by men and women, how sex is used to fill what is an emptiness we feel and how we all seek intimacy in truth, but settle for something far less, with love nowhere to be found. The success of this book is a sad reflection of where we are at and how far we have to go before there will be a unified understanding of all of the aspects of what love is.
A great article Gina that shows us how far away we are to have converted erotic sex as a substitute for love. A temporary solution to gain attention, yet it will never fulfill the emptiness of not choosing to love ourselves.
So true Marcia, ‘the emptiness of not choosing to love ourselves’ – a deep hurt that cause a huge epidemic of distraction away from true love in world today.
Yes Jenny and in that distraction of temporary relief it leaves a deep scar that we accept as love but is actually ABUSE. Our body is with all our choices and knows the lovelessness of what it experiences in sex – even if we dismiss and numb ourselves to the fact. It shows how far we have separated our mind from our body to not feel and listen to the truth of what our body is saying to us.
This should make everyone stop in there tracks, I know it did for me. It is not merely women and men looking for a good time but rather a lack of intimacy. This blog really made me stop and consider in how many parts in my life that this occurs and I witness it.
Indeed the aftermath of low self-esteem is likely to follow.
Absolutely Luke. I’d be interested to see how all these women have felt in the wake of their adventures. How sustainable is it to subject yourself to ‘exciting sex’. Like any diet or fad, it all comes crashing down and what we’re left with is an an even deeper lack of self worth. This is not the answer to deepening our own connections with ourselves or others.
agree Elodie, we try and fix the problem but ironically make it worse.
There is a beautiful clarity in your comment, Elodie. It is time to get honest about what exciting sex is truly about. There might be a level of abuse to be discovered here and the question is: How comes we like to be entertained by something abusive?
“So what can we draw about women in their livingness from the phenomenon of this book? The reality that many women are living ‘without deep intimacy’ and are ‘constantly exhausted’, perhaps?” You’ve hit the nail on the head here Gina. There is no doubt for me that this is indeed the case – having been in relationships that lacked intimacy (and where I was exhausted), the fantasising I indulged in is what kept me going. This was mostly not acted upon but I can understand how it would be so easy to think it would be answer to feeling alone in a relationship.
Porn and Sex are much like having a big night out on drugs and alcohol – there is more hype about it then the reality of the extremely short lived satisfaction or euphoria
of getting out of it, out of your everyday life and getting some action. It takes a lot of energy to keep up the charade that these activities are fun and a lot of lying to yourself when you think this is a way to connect and be in relationship with yourself, a partner or a group of people. Allow Universal Medicine to enter your life and you soon realise all the toys and props you used to keep yourself going are not needed, just a simple commitment to take a gentle breath in, feeling the coolness at the tip of your nose and you are in your way to discovering a depth within you so fast your realise it is worth investing every part of your being to stay deeply connected to every part of your being. I am having the best time ever with no hangovers or waking up feeling the absolute crushing effects of having given yourself away to something not true and void of anything close to love!
This is just the continuation, the perpetuation of roll playing, character creation; ‘novel’ but total ‘fiction’. When one book has been enacted, played out, read from cover to cover, when the story’s ‘reached a climax’ and has come to an inevitable end, another and another more climactic novel must be found or the reader is left to feel the void it created in their life. No reality, no intimacy, no truth and no love… Deeply hurt-full.
Sex without intimacy = emptiness.
And keeps us craving and searching for more, for something to fill this empty feeling.
The ‘success’ of this book shows the ill success of our society.
Yes, it clearly shows the ill state of our relationships and the desperate need for true intimacy.
I agree Monika, in fact it is a reflection of our deep longing for intimacy – and how much we lost the true way. The success of this book is alarming. And right now our conversation is inspiring me to offer more connection to the world, the people around me, to offer intimacy via my open heart. If we lost our way so much, some must light up the true way again…
By your sharing about this, Sandra, I feel invited and inspired to do the same: to offer intimacy with people around me. I don’t have to be in love relationship to share how I feel about things. I experienced instant connection with a complete stranger on the train. We are not familiar sharing openly and are also not used if another does this.
Yes, we can bring a change here by open our hearts, being willing to truly hear and see what is going on, offer some space and stillness so a meeting/relationship can develop and grow. An open heart and a heartfelt ear, eye, mouth can offer intimacy everywhere.
Isn’t it great to take our responsibility and bring into the world what we discovered as needed?!
Sandra you have captured it perfectly. To some the success of this books represents women stepping into their ‘power’ and having the freedom to express themselves sexually. What this blog has revealed is that there is something else going on here and in fact it is very telling of the lack of love in relationships and how this can be replaced by the thrill and stimulation of sexual expression at any cost.
In Fact the false ‘success’ of this book shows how much we give away our power. By not taking our responsibility to open up our hearts for each other, when we avoid true intimacy and when we do not feel the worth we are by being instead of for what we do – we remove from our true self, give our power away and create an emptiness which we try to fill with whatever is suggested. And we even go into the illusion of ‘giving my power away’ is sexy. But it is not truth and we know it. This sexual ‘games’ are in truth war and abuse, the relief of it is a flash in the pan and leave us more empty as before – so we need MORE. And more and something different and more of that and so on…. A horror-go-round we give the make-up of sexiness. Yes Vicky, I agree, “in fact it is very telling of the lack of love in relationships and how this can be replaced by the thrill and stimulation of sexual expression at any cost.”
Yes Sandra, all of that is true, sadly so. We are going to the extreems and this movie has been the prove of that. It is absolute horror to see that we have become so lost within our lives that we need sexual, or should I say brutal sex, to actually feel satisfied or relieved. I mean that is deeply wrong. We should actually feel into why we need such stimmulation and act, and what it tells us about the level of intimacy we have with ourselves. When you said : And we even go into the illusion of ‘giving my power away’ is sexy. ” This actually feels horrific, and I know I have been part of that too. Until recently when I actualy found that I have a beauty inside that I shall never give up or give away. This beauty I am inside is like a deep white pearl, you dont want to lose a pearl! So what this tells me that we as woman shall return to who we are, knowing that we are divine, so that we are never ever selling ourselves short and/or giving our power away.
Giving our power away is a form of self-abuse and if we are to be really honest, abusive of others. Why, because it confirms a lack of equality in relationships. That we can even have a movie that suggests the giving away of power is sexy completely exposes the intention behind the movie. For it certainly isn’t about growing and evolving people.
Indeed – giving your power away as an identity of “being sexy”
Is out of hand. We can say that we have lost the true meaning of sexiness than. It is absolutely wrong to push and confirm other into those believes that movies “image” and “present” to be as accepted forms of truth. If it is on the news,’magazines or movies – it for sure doesnnot mean that it is real or true. We have to set our norm back on what is really true and come to the understanding that we have lost the real and true meanings of words…there is nothing sexy about giving your power away.. There is nothing more sexy than a person in their power.
That totally redefines the word sexy Danna. The level of reinterpretation of words is huge. Someone in their power lights up a whole room. This is true sexy.
Exactly Vicky, someone who gives their power might ‘look nice’ on the outside , but we all know that we must not abide that and actually support eachother to stand in power with eachother and see eachother for that power. If we choose to give our power away of abide people to give their power away – we allow eachother to be abused. Therefor there is nothing sexy about giving your power away only deeply sad – and it is our karma to allow it. Therefore this movie is absolute karma and the more we allow it as humanity as ‘OK’ the more we drop as a society and become more power-less and less powerfull. That is not what we want , right?
agree Sandra. Something is deeply wrong if we have to read a book like this to fulfil our need for intimacy, whether in relationship or not
This should be our front line news worldwide. How can we as a species have more connection with ourselves and so become truly intimate with ourselves first. Give this subject an open call to be discussed and truly pondered on and taken seriously. I love how your write this piece without doubt and with absolute truth.
Yes me too Danna, “give this subject an open call to be discussed and truly pondered on and taken seriously” absolutely agree Danna.
Yes this is the topic they should print in all the magazines. Test the intimacy you have with yourself or Test the intimacy you have with your partner and tips to increase the intimacy instead of the topics young girls and women read about today.
Absolute as it proves us that talking about how to be a better , more beautiful, more sexy woman , is actually taking us away from who we truly are. We should never base any magazine on how to look, how to be better, how to make sure we are liked, loved and approved by society.. Instead, like this website is shwoing us, we should re-unite us to who we are as woman and discover ourselves how beautiful we are, we dont need any tips, just re-connection to our body , ourselves. Because we already are woman, we already are beautiful. This to me proves the level of corruption there is in the world (and so magazines) that we are selling a picture/ a believe to woman, instead of letting them feel who they are – that does not fit any picture.
Great article Gina, I love the points you have raised here. I have heard a lot about the book and it makes sense that it is so popular when I hear how relationships are these days.. missing that deep intimacy… it’s easy to interpret that feeling as wanting more exciting sex. At the end of the day, you will one day be on your own and feel that, that is not love and you are still searching for more. I am yet to discover the depth of intimacy I can actually have with myself and in turn, have with another without needing a dungeon, handcuffs and any pain at all.
I the past I used sex to compensate. I used sex to feel sure in my relationship, to feel exciting, to feel wanted, attractive and sexy. I used it to control my partner and to make my life ‘juicy’. I needed something to fill up my lack of confidence and so on but specific I needed sex to cover my lack of intimacy. To have sex may look like as have intimacy and it can be but it does not naturally implies. I can use sex to lead me and others to believe in I have intimacy but instead I use the sex to avoid it! True intimacy is to honestly meet each other with an open chest & heart, let others in energetically. This I can celebrate with my partner on a body experience and this I would call: making love. There are no shades here – just light. I do developed this form of relationship with my partner and others (but with them without the body part 😉 and this is really amazing. Sometimes scary because it is not so much lived this days and so I do not have many role models – but totally worth to give it a go. One have to start to bring true intimacy back into the world – why not me? Books like 50 Shades of grey do the opposite – they support and deepen separation between people. Interesting that it is so popular – I guess because we are all longing for intimacy and thinking sex is it. But thats a fallacy and we all feel it at the end, that we do not get what we wanted and feeling empty. And then looking for more more more instead of looking for something different, or better still to look inside.
You touched on some great points here Sandra, that we use sex to compensate for so many things and also to try and fill an emptiness that comes from being separated from who we truly are and shut down to letting people in. Books like 50 Shades of Grey offer a supposed “sexual excitement” but it is so far from true connection it highlights how desperately disconnected women have become from only accepting true love and intimacy from a man (or woman). The work starts with us, to allow ourselves to feel deeply connected to ourselves as the woman and to honour and respect that making love is a way of being together with our partners, and not the big bang at the end offering relief, but no true connection.
Yes I can feel this too, this is how we misinterpret intimicy.
Sandra thank you so much for sharing your experience from shade to pure light. You’ve reminded me how I used to use sex as a manipulation and control. When I was younger I read books on sex so I could feel more confident in sexual relations but really I just let myself be used as a willing object of relief until I came to my senses and my body said no more, this doesn’t feel ok.
Imagine if the media actually reported what you are presenting Gina! Wouldn’t it be amazing if women reading/hearing the media reports stopped and were honest and admitted that they are exhausted, lonely and empty and that they are searching for stimulation as a way to fill the void! What a great starting point in learning to love themselves.
I read articles in the media less and less due to the lack of truth and honesty in them. To read articles like this in mainstream media would probably rock boats and ruffle feathers but ultimately be immensely healing for all.
Gina, it is indeed a sad old world when a book can light up a woman’s sex life and relationship, making everyone in the relationship “happy”. It really highlights the low self worth of women and the media really know how to feed this. We are all seeking true intimacy and the love from within but I guess for some of us the path to that takes a little longer.
This blog is something worth reading about Gina… A lot of great points. If true intimacy was held within a partnership, I don’t think there would be any need for external forces like porn or word porn.
Emily I agree if true intimacy was held between a partnership, there would be no reason why porn would even be around.,
Just goes to show how many relationships are lacking true intimacy… (what does that even mean? )
I do completely agree, with true intimacy, there is no need. As everything is already there to be shared with the other.
well summed up Emily, when there is true care and intimacy in a relationship, the interest and need for ‘shades of grey ‘ style encounters simply vanishes.
Absolutely true Felicity.
Absolutely agree, porn and/or erotism are very poor substitutes for true intimacy and loving relationships.
Gina it feels to me that you have a very good understanding of what is really behind womens reactions to the book. Intimacy with another, to really be seen and to really see another, it is what we are all craving and there are substitutes but no thing that comes remotely close.
Thank you Gina for writing and sharing this blog. It definitely will inspire many people to think outside of their box. It makes so much sense…. if we’re honest with ourselves about the deep lack of intimacy women are experiencing in their lives.
It’s really saddening that millions of women around the world are turning to this for some form of satisfaction. I don’t know much about the book other than what has been described here, but I find it so deeply sad that women are responding “favourably” to the way of being that is portrayed in the book/movie. Is that really what being a woman is, is that what women want in their lives? What a state we in!
Agreed Gina, certainly exposing that women are gaining sexual pleasure out of the ideology of abuse. Is it not just another tool of distraction and ultimately numbing? Serving well the truth they simply do not want to feel? Does it not alert to a crisis state for the Western woman worldwide? Instead of hearalding a ‘successful’ book why do we not stop and begin to address what’s truly going on? Why? Because as society we do not want to feel and ultimately face what, through our lack of self-love, we have chosen for ourselves, we want to keep the illusion going and pretend we are having ‘fun’, instead of taking responsibility for the mess we have created.
This is such a great break down of the truth of these types of novels and movies and why women truly read them. I’ve never read it so clearly and obviously before, about the deep lack of intimacy that women are experiencing in their lives and that seeking it in a book is just a quick fix for an ‘illness’ in many women world wide. I’ve come to realise that the lack of intimacy that women experience is with ourselves first, it’s not that we aren’t getting the right intimacy from the men in our lives, or from no man in our lives, it first comes from within, and I’m not talking about being physically sexual with one’s self, but instead a way of being gentle, honouring, tender and delicate with oneself, in the way we move, speak, eat and even dress ourselves. This is the true intimacy we have all been missing and craving.
Great exposure here Gina and very true. I know for myself as a younger woman, I would enjoy reading Mills and Boons type of literature occasionally for the little high that it offered me. Really, I was seeking intimacy as you mentioned in this article. Having offered myself this intimacy and having developed a much more loving relationship with myself, I now find that I am not one bit interested in watching these types of movies let alone reading anything erotic. As you suggest here Gina, let’s look at the underlying reasons as to why women are getting all excited about Fifty Shades of Grey.
Exhausted, frayed by life and isolated in relationships with absent men, women have always been searching for romance. I have listened to many women talk of their lack of romance, this is not new, the phenomenon of so many women focusing on one book series about bondage probably is. There is now no hiding the fact that women are in crisis.
The awesome thing is that there is a growing number of women discovering self care and self love that connects them deeply to themselves and then nurtures all their relationships. That’s very sexy indeed.
‘Could it be that women have been without deep intimacy and affection in their marriages, and to admit that their lives are lacking this deeper quality is too painful to face?’ I would say yes, massively so. Years ago I would have seen intimacy as being with another person (and it can be) but what I have since learnt through presentations by Universal Medicine and Natalie Benhayon is the relationship and intimacy we can have with ourselves (not in a sexual way but in a deep sacred way honouring who we truly are). This truth and connection has been long forgotten but is just waiting there for us to re-connect to it. From what I have heard about the film it is glamourised domestic violence.. something we really don’t need.
Gina so well written, when I read it I got to feel how we actually shy away from true intimacy with another, it’s as if fifty shades of gray is more appealing because we don’t feel worthy of that true intimate connection with another, yet when we do build that intimacy with another, not only does it feel the most natural thing in the world, it is also a confirmation of who we are.
It’s interesting coming back to read this now after the film has come out. Over the last few years the book became the ‘new thing’ even girls my age (13) have a fascination with both the film and book many having read it and watched it themselves. Even though some were disgusted by it and could see the abuse it was quite shocking to see how – to some – it just didn’t phase them and they thought it was normal
It is profoundly revealing when a book of this nature goes viral. It is so far away from true love and intimacy, that it reveals that society really has lost its way, and that the connection with who we truly are desperately needs to be rekindled … enter Universal Medicine !
Hi Gina , thank you for sharing this great and pertinent blog , I recently saw a poster for FSoG and alarm bells rang out with abuse and pornography masked as a new intimacy ,it set me off to explore what was going on and how big this was ,so I brought the subject up at the dinner table my 16 year old daughter had read the book and loved it and had gone to watch it at the cinema with her boyfriend and it was a hit amongst all her friends . I offered my understanding and their response was the book was well written and the movie entertaining. What I am putting forward is this acceptance of abusive pornography as intimacy all the way through to teenagers in a world that is much in need of true intimacy is absolute evil.
Gina, a terrific article. It is truly scary the number of fifty shades of grey books that have been sold. It truly does give a very honest marker of where today’s woman is at. We really have a long way to go in experiencing and accepting only true intimacy in our relationships. But on some level each of us knows that true intimacy is what we really want, we also know that this comes from deep with in ourselves, choosing to have a deeply intimate relationship with our essence first and foremost.
This is a great blog Gina and you raise some great points here exposing the possibility of what is really going on when women crave the eroticism that is promoted in this book. I really feel that such a search has its origins in the need to fill an inner void that is felt and so an external excitement is the choice that is made to fill the gap. But what if it is from the inside and the building of a true relationship with ourselves that is the answer? Then an external search is going to take us further away and leave us less than satisfied.
“life doesn’t have to be the barren wasteland of lack-of-true-love so often felt by many women, but that we can instead look inside ourselves and connect to the beauty that already lies therein.”
An awesome summing up of a great article, thank you Gina.
Years ago I would have lined up for this film…and the book. Sorry to say but it is true.
I loved that whole disempowerment thing, sexually and in life.
Playing the victim was “great”. I got to feel sorry for myself, and some sort of thrill out of letting men be rough and disregarding with me.
I write this now scratching my head in bewilderment that I ever thought was OK.
So not OK.
It was emotional dysfunction playing itself out in the bedroom. Having placed myself on a healing program many years ago, an essential part being Esoteric Women’s health, my emotional dysfunction has healed.
For me it has become about being made love to. Not abused by a man who is unwilling to come to terms with and live from his own sensitivity.
I actually read a review on Fifty Shades of Grey and found it very sad that this is what women are willing to settle. Women are ready to see a fixation as love, a fixation is extremely full on attention wise but Lacks any Love or quality. As women we should know our beauty and treasure this so we do not settle for anything but only allow that which will tenderly hold and cherish beauty.
You are correct Toni. This is part of a bigger problem, and it is reflected in our language. Words like delicate and precious have been turned into insults, especially the latter. I can hear people saying …”Oh your just being precious” like it is a problem. It is not a problem! We are precious, and it is natural to be treated in such a way. Books/movies like this completely bypass the truth of who we are, diminish us to objects to be…sorry about the expression… “banged”. We become a mere vessel for some guy with emotional issues to get his rocks off.
Mr Grey needs counselling. Urgently.
The heroine in this movie needs to attend some Esoteric women’s health talks, and to make herself some real friends who will inspire to seek inside and discover how beautiful she truly is.
Not such a block buster movie, but real inspiration.
Bondage and abusive relationships ‘renewing the vigour’ in relationships? How sad is that. Intimacy is what we all crave and so need, but I have come realise that we must first build a relationship with ourselves, and not expect it to come outside of us. Thank you Gina for sharing your insights.
I was reading the reviews of the film which were so different to the book. The book was incredibly successful, possibly because it could stay locked up in people’s minds and imagination which is not a fertile ground for love. When you bring this kind of abuse to life in a film, the emptiness and lack of love are palpable and it does not surprise me that the lead actor and actress hated it.
Gina, i so loved reading your blog. I did not get swept up in the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ book and movie, but a lot of women i know did. When learning of the content of the book, i felt a deep sadness that it had indeed made such an impact on women as it did. I could feel how empty it was, as you say, the lack of intimacy that must be presenting in women’s lives. Exposing a lack of intimacy many women are feeling with themselves. How beautiful and simple your closing lines to be – “look inside ourselves and connect to the beauty that already lies therein.”
A really thought provoking Blog Gina – One of your questions really nailed it for me – ‘Could it be that women have secretly been reading erotic literature for years in search of fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives?- I feel that if we have a deep relationship with self which is tender, loving and present then the much of the emptiness presented in the book would not even exist. Living in connection and truly valuing self, would mean accepting anything less would not happen.
Thank you Gina – what you have written in your blog rings so true for me. I craved connection and did not know how to ‘achieve’ it. I looked outside to fulfil this deep need and found that masturbation and fantasising when having sex gave me a short term satisfaction. It was only when I began to connect to my essence that this need began to dissipate and I found a deep inner contentment within. I no longer feel that need for relief and excitement and now that I have found my path back to fully embracing the woman I am.
So much hype with this film/book – a classic way to draw or hook those vulnerable people in who are searching to feed a need and to escape and distract from the ‘real world’ and to numb out what they truly feel. Would a film based on ‘true love’ get so much attention and advertising? Thank you Gina for this sharing.
If it is not about love it is not for me. I don’t think anyone would claim this book has anything to do with love. Perhaps people are desperate for attention, distraction, stimulation and all sorts of other things to not feel how much they miss love. I know I used to mistake attention for love when I was younger but it never ever satisfies and keeps you wanting more just like icecream. I read a great piece about the true meaning of love here: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html now that is something worth reading 🙂
Such a wonderful discussion and I agree that women are looking for a deeper intimacy. Although these books/movies may provide us with some fun and a bit of entertainment they aren’t actually it. I have found that the more we consume the more we need, because we are trying to fill this emptiness that we are feeling, with a quick fix. We end up diverting or distracting ourselves away from looking at whatever is going on for each of us.
The questions that you pose…”The reality that many women are living ‘without deep intimacy’ and are ‘constantly exhausted’, perhaps? And is an increased sex life going to actually address this lack of deep intimacy, or will the exhaustion just be increased from all that late night frolicking?” are worthy of deep contemplation. There is much that we have come to accept as normal in our society today which is educating our youth that this is an acceptable way to live. Unfortunately this type of behaving is harmful to self as well as others.
Not a book that I felt even slightly tempted to read, but I don’t condemn anyone who has as there has been a lot of focus on the book for a few years and people are inquisitive ! Quantity does not equal quality and can be abusive to the other partner if their needs such as tenderness and respect are not considered.
Perhaps it is no coincidence that the female character in the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is a virgin graduate? A time of life when most of us were grown up enough to be making our own way in life and feeling the freedom of making our own choices but still young enough to not have any real responsibilities – and so feeling young, independent and free. So what happens as we get married and have kids and have to go to work every day? Maybe men and women somewhere along the way to middle age, get worn down and lose their gaiety and sense of feeing free and end up feeling trapped and exhausted? So rather than dreaming about the past and wishing to be somewhere else maybe it would be wiser to look at the present and how we can change how we feel about it?
Great blog Gina – I so agree with what you express here – “fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives” definitely a way for some to escape what is really happening in their lives.
An awesome and much needed questioning about what precisely is occurring, and may in the future occur, when we women engage in excessive and/ or ‘wild’ sexual activity. For myself, I know when I took a walk on the wild side sexually, many years ago, it was purposely to escape the excruciating pain of the lack of intimacy and love I was screaming out for. Another motivation was simply to get more attention by being more ‘out there’ and hence receiving a greater accolade from my partner. Sexual activity was also for me a distraction from the compulsive head based lifestyle I felt I had to espouse to get through University. None of these strategies worked for me: I just ended up feeling more desperately alone than before the sexual excess. More, or different, sex is not the answer.
The only thing I have found that does work is the establishing of a loving relationship with myself based on self nurturing and self caring practices.
Why is this not more widely acknowledged?
Because, facing the truth of what we have done to our amazing, divine selves feels sometimes to painful to face, but it will ultimately be our salvation.
Thank you Gina, this makes a lot of sense. Instead of empowering us it just adds more pressure to what we have to achieve, another box to tick which leaves us exhausted and wanting more. This is abuse and not at all true love or anything close to a loving relationship with ourselves or someone else.
Thanks for this informative expose Gina.
Talking with friends male and female some years ago about our ‘sex life’, the outcome of the conversation for me was, looking back, mine had been great…………….
On reflection now, since becoming more self caring and nurturing my body, I realise that quantity is not the goal, it is so much more about the love I feel for me first, and then the quality, the support and love expressed and shared between 2 people.
Yes, Wendy: I recall my partner asserting that our sex life was great if it occurred more than three times a week. Less than that was “not great.” Quite absurd: all about ticking the box of the normal quantity and nothing to do with the quality of the interaction at all.
Great points here Gina, although never having read or seen either the book or movie what I have managed to take away from the snippets I have heard about is it would seem that both present a rather abusive and dark representation of love. As you say it is perhaps a lack of true intimacy felt by women that they feel the need to escape into these fantasies, but at what cost? Are women now setting themselves up for more abuse or is it time that we as women begin to seek the intimacy we so clearly want through firstly connecting to ourselves.
Great revealing article about that Fifty Shades of grey hype. Thank you !!
I have not read this book, but I do know what it is about. However the details of the content I am not really aware of. But just reading in your first paragraph, the name of the ‘bondage dungeon’ makes me shudder at the thought that women are choosing to fantasise about and play out this kind of loveless interaction for themselves. You have raised some great questions Gina such as -‘Could it be that women have secretly been reading erotic literature for years in search of fixing the lack of deep intimacy and affection in their lives?’ How well do women truly know themselves, and how connected are we to what we truly want in a relationship? Why is it that women are craving love, attention and intimacy and is this the kind love they are truly looking for? Or is it a true love we want, a love comes from within, that never leaves, is always tenderly embracing and enjoys being shared with honour, respect and appreciation.
Great insight into a twisted reality that needs to change from lack of intimacy to true lovemaking. I’d rather agree on the idea to “look inside ourselves and connect to the beauty that already lies therein.”
I love the simplicity and clarity with which you present this…
Indeed this late night frolicking is only a band-aid and Not a true healing.
Glad I didn’t get seduced to the point of reading the book!
Great opening up Gina of what can be a difficult conversation to honestly have.
With your reference to exhaustion – I could also feel how it compounds by the tension in our bodies about the extensive area of trying to participate in more ‘stimulating sex’. So much double guessing about what to do or not to do, and not an ounce of it coming from what the body truly knows. Every part of it is about the external experience, which is the paradox, because as you say what is really being craved is our own deep love and intimacy with ourselves.
What I find interesting about this book is that women are calling it ‘liberating’ and ’empowering’… yet what feels truly empowering is being able to say ‘I deserve more than that’, saying no to abuse and yes to true love.
This is so true Brooke, ‘what feels truly empowering is being able to say ‘I deserve more than that’, saying no to abuse and yes to true love.’ I haven’t read this book, but from your synopsis Gina it feels very empty and loveless, it doesn’t feel honouring of women, and suggests that women would rather be abused than honoured and respected.
Its about one thing, Rebecca: attention. And an attention that has zero regard for the body or for the precious being that inhabits the body, so in that sense, yes – abusive.
I agree Brooke, there is nothing liberating or empowering about a woman being submissive and allowing others to do what ever they feel to at the expense of her body and how she truly feels about herself. This is what should be presented to our young women and men, ‘I am special and never need to perform or take on a certain role, to excite or keep another interested in me’… true love would never expect anything less than who you truly are.
Apparently getting tied up, told what to do, humiliated by a secrecy contract and bashed by a bloke is liberating. It frees you from the responsibility of living your beauty.
Phew, what a relief….not.
Beautifully said Brooke, Knowing you are worthy and deserving of true love is very empowering.
What is wrong with us? For a large number of women abuse and torture are a cruel reality that they have certainly not chosen for themselves and sex slavery is a real issue in our world.
The book (and movie) Fifty Shades of Grey is a mockery of the horrid life of those women.
Are we so bored, empty and deprived of love that we think it spices up our lives to add a little abuse? Something is seriously wrong with that!
So true Judith, well said.
I absolutely agree with what you are saying Judith. To see abuse as entertaining and something to look for to find pleasure shows indeed that something has seriously gone wrong.
Absolutely – so far off kilter.
“For a large number of women abuse and torture are a cruel reality that they have certainly not chosen for themselves and sex slavery is a real issue in our world.
The book (and movie) Fifty Shades of Grey is a mockery of the horrid life of those women.”
“Something is seriously wrong!”
Shocking that so few of us are understanding this very clear fact. Time for each an every one of us to really ask some questions about the lack in our lives.
What effect do we imagine glorifying abuse and viloence to women has globally. Next time we flick past another story of a woman stoned to death in some ‘far off land’, we will need to look much closer to home for the ground that breeds such attitudes that make such acts possible.
This is the kind of truth in book and movie reviews the world so desperately needs. What an amazing film critic you would make Gina 🙂
what a light in the (50 shades of) greyness your article brings Gina, with the enormous media attention with the movie coming out and all the strong reactions to this, your article actually addresses the issue from the core. Not with judgement or outrage but with love and understanding, which is the only way we can get to the heart of this (pun intended)
Is this phenomenon a warning that there is so much more going on for women than we are willing to admit? It is shocking to me that the ‘success’ of this book/movie is largely due to the lack of true intimacy in relationships. And if women and men are settling for this as a substitute for intimacy then what is next?
Exactly Kylie, if we have slipped so far from decency or respect for this film to be popularised, and abuse to women normalised and used for cheap titilation, what is next? If we dont say NO – where will we end up? When is enough enough and time to say STOP, no more. Time for a huge uturn back to deeply valuing ourselves and others.
I have come across a number of articles on Fifty Shades of Grey. Many of them have called out it’s abusive content, but the blog you have written here Gina is the first place I have found that has asked the simple question ‘why?’ – why do we as people write, commemorate and choose to live this way? You remind me Gina, that it is so powerful when we look at life and question, without judgement.
Great point you make here Joseph for in the inquiry perhaps we can find out what truly lies beneath. This is a great outlook to take to every situation in life.
There is another way that is loving and without any kind of abuse that we can live – living from knowing our worth from inside whether you are a man or a woman. Gina I came across this blog at jus the right time.
There is now a movie made on this book which is just disgusting and it’s been released as a so called romantic movie! Though I have not seen it, from all the review and scenes it looks far from it, in fact it looks quite controlling and abusive. I love you bringing up a lot of what the book and now also a movie is really about. Also, showing that there is another way of being that it just beautiful. Thank you.
Gina what an awesome blog. It makes a tonne of sense what you have said about the book in relation to women’s livingness- that there is a lack of deep intimacy and exhaustion.
Great article, and so up to date now, as the movie has just come out and the attention it gets is over the roof. I was watching yesterday an item on TV about this movie and the affect it has on the rise in sex toys that have been sold in the last week here in Holland. Also, over the roof. They shared that more and more women are buying toys to spice up their sex life, inspired by the movie. I totally agree what you share about the lack of intimacy and the lack of self-worth what this reflects. How intimate are we truly with ourselves and in our relationships? It feels like we can no longer enjoy, appreciate and celebrate ourselves and each other anymore and that we need movies like this and toys because we are missing something.
Powerful article Gina. I do feel that this ‘chasing’ one version or another of ‘intimacy’ is always going to at some point be exposed to us for what it truly is. I know this to be the case for me when I remember how I was living my life in my 20’s in particular. Deep down I was always craving true connection with another – and in truth myself in fact! Reading your blog has helped me appreciate more deeply how far I’ve come since then, and how the unaddressed empty need has kept us from appreciating how truly beautiful and worthy we are as women…In truth as women and men – we all deserve to have true intimacy with others, which naturally starts with the quality of relationship with ourselves. Thank you for this blog…
Beautifully said Rachel – “the unaddressed empty need has kept us from appreciating how truly beautiful and worthy we are as women” – for when we do feel how gorgeously beautiful we are, there are no needs to fill for we are everything we need.
“we all deserve to have true intimacy with others, which naturally starts with the quality of relationship with ourselves” – well said Rachel.
So true….Quoting what you said Rachel “We all deserve to have true intimacy with others, which naturally starts with the quality of relationship with ourselves.” It in a nutshell.
I have just read a review of the movie ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, it clearly states the movie is about a deeply abusive relationship where the women suffers emotional and violent abuse by her partner. The movie is being marketed as being a ‘romance’, date night movie – seriously!! I find it abhorrent that in our society that we are glamorising abuse against women and dressing it up as ‘romance’. What sorts of messages is this film sending to men and women (young and old) about an abusive relationship? Would have been so empowering for humanity to watch a film where a woman has chosen to leave such an abusive relationship and how she healed from the abuse through love and acceptance of herself – a far more inspiring and truly supportive film for women I would love to see made.
I agree Anna! It has me absolutely baffled. On the same note, like Gina said, it’s a reflection of the intimacy (I struggle to make that comparison to this movie/ book though!) and self-love lacking in many relationships.
I agree Anna and Hemma a far more inspiring movie that would have made. It’s so mixed up. Imagine watching this film as a young, soon to be sexually active woman and how very damaging it could be. Packaging abuse with good looking actors, sharp suits and designer houses and calling it a ‘romance’ and society deems it acceptable but strip all that away and put this story in a different context and no one would accept it as anything other than abusive. Great to expose this harm for what it is Gina.
“I find it abhorrent that in our society that we are glamorising abuse against women” – hear hear Anna.
I agree with you Anna….it would be so much more powerful, to watch a movie where a woman that is being abused, leaves the abusive relationship and heals herself through self-acceptance and love. Their definitely needs to be more movies out in this world, to let people know…. abuse is not okay, in any form… to inspire people to know that we have the power, to connect to ourselves from within …accept ourselves for the amazing person we are, through honouring ourselves and our feelings, being gentle, tender and delicate with our selves, in everything we do. Movies that support people….. to claim who they are and live it.
There is already so much pressure on women to perform and fulfil multiple roles in life. So to get another message that there is some payoff in taking on yet another role in our sex lives feels like indeed an exhausting and truly empty endeavour. It would seem we are always looking for some stimulation or experience that delivers a momentary pleasure to fill the lack of true intimacy or affection in our lives.
I have not heard much about the actually story line of the movie. All I know about it is that is all about sex and seems to have a lot of girls interested… Well there was something weird about this movie. I never had an interest to view it, and by the look of the trailer, and by my experience of true intimacy, this movie was definitely lacking. Even hearing interviews with the female actress and actor of the main roles how they felt disgust, the male saying he felt he needed to have a hot shower before touching his wife or daughter… Makes me wonder why anyone would enjoy watching something that the actors themselves disliked ..
Rebekah, the actors being disgusted is a very clear sign. Porn has a very strong force – it allows us to feel only what we want to feel and it numbs everything else in our body. However, much of porn is disgusting and we may not notice the disgustingness of particular porn if it fills a need for us. 50 shades of grey seems to fill a particular need and as the actors didn’t have that need they could feel the disgustingness of this particular kind of porn.
When I was a young girl I knew someone who used to read ‘soft porn’ not unlike this ’50 Shades of Grey’. I loved him dearly but his behaviour towards women was always highly inappropriate, sometimes embarrassing and always had some sort of sexual innuendo to it. As a young girl he made me feel very uncomfortablel. As a woman today, I have more understanding of what was going on for him, however I have always since felt this type of literature to be totally and completely dishonouring of who we truly are as men and women. Fantasies and erotism has naught to do with true connection, true intimacy nor true love.
Well said Anna – ‘fantasies and erotism has naught to do with true connection, true intimacy nor true love’. I have been caught up in playing out fantasises and whilst it was ‘cool and exciting’ at the time and it ‘energised me’, I realise know that it was only doing that on a top level but underneath it was not really connecting me to intimacy with myself nor my partner. We were just playing out a role – not learning to truly be ourselves and connect with the magic of that.
A question about fantasising from an ex-inveterate fantasiser….why can we not even be with the person we are having sex with in full? Why are we escaping into our mind at a time of the seemingly greatest intimacy? It like letting someone into your home for a visit, switching on the TV, watching a show and ignoring them.
Why invite them in in the first place?
I used to think that having an intimate relationship with someone meant having a sexual relationship. But now I know that that is not the case at all. We can have sex with someone and not have any intimacy and that feels so empty and cold. But making that intimate connection with someone, whoever it is with, it truly a beautiful feeling and one that can be nurtured,
I agree about these books Anna , and also what is offered amongst the pages these days is getting ‘racier’ and actually verging, if not going into, violence to get the rush. It’s all to fill the ever deepening emptiness that we are creating by living separated from our true selves, and being disconnected from true intimacy in our relationships.
This was just such a refreshing read in amongst all of the articles that are currently strewn across social media about the movie adaptations of this book series. Many are outraged by the recent movie and calling for a boycott, others are saying it glamourises abuse and domestic violence and while in a way it is great to see this called out the articles written about this topic always leave me feeling irritated and annoyed. This is the first piece I have read on this topic that actually addresses the truth behind this literary phenomenon and your words leave me feeling inspired Gina. Great work and thank you so much.
Great topic to address Gina, there has been a lot about Fifty Shades of Grey in the media as the movie of the book has just come out. Like all porn soft or otherwise would it be so popular and needed if there was true intimacy in a relationship? I think not.
It’s sad that people are going for this kind of abusive sex. Good to openly discuss what it is that fuels the need for this – I would agree that it can come from a lack of true intimacy, connection and tenderness, with ourselves and others, qualities that aren’t so well fostered in society in general but that are so essential to our wellbeing.
My disquiet about Fifty Shades of Grey has been consistent since its release. This article pin points many of the concerns I have about the impact a book like this has on us all – feeding a belief that is it something/someone outside of ourselves that is going to make us feel better, enjoy life more, have some self-respect. I know that during a promiscuous period in my 20s, sex, however exciting or adventurous is was, had a very transient effect on my relationship with myself. Momentary peaks of excitement, perceived fulfilment, before a return to the self-doubt, lack of confidence and self-denigration that dictated by days. More sex is not the answer…it just blurs the opportunities to be honest with ourselves about what is really going on.
Hi Gina, I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and have no intention of doing so, but it would be interesting to note, 3 years down the line, as the film has just been released in the UK, (the day before valentines day no less!) what these women and husbands feel about their “renewed vigour and libido” now – (see quote below). Have they found true love and intimacy in their relationships, have they found true romance in their lives, I think not. Have these men and women re-connected to their sacredness inside? As far as I am concerned this film is just more unnecessary porn in a world that actually craves love and true intimacy.
“The book’s Facebook page is full of reports of renewed vigour and libido in women’s lives – and very happy, satisfied husbands as a result”.
It seems to me it is a distraction, taking people a lot further away from real intimacy and loving relationships and potentially glamorising abuse.
Thank you Gina for expressing so clearly about this, I agree in full that it is not a good thing many woman see this as their evolution when it is actually Not.
Gina this is a groundbreaking piece that shares the truth what is really is going on for women. I have fallen in the past to thinking I had to be a certain way in the bedroom to get the intimacy I so desperately craved.
This has now changed with the support of Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health as I now feel that intimacy within myself.
I spent my twenties reading Mills and Boon books (soft, romantic fiction) to fill my void too, I’m sure not much different to Fifty Shades of Grey without the bondage. I missed a connection with myself first (although I didn’t know that then) and missed a real connection with my friends and boyfriends. Reading those kinds of books filled that gap perfectly temporarily. The books were like a big block of chocolate. When I put the books down, I was left wanting for something more, something fulfilling, permanent and real. Eventually, I realised that I couldn’t find what I really wanted anywhere else but actually was inside me. Instead of choosing a book to feel ‘love’, I chose instead to feel my own intimacy, friendship, comfort – real, never ending, faithful and permanent love and it is that feeling of closeness that now never leaves me, as it did when I put the book down.
The book is just another quick fix solution, which like you say may actually make matters worse and exhaustion deeper from the increased bedroom olympics. My experiences of sex were as the other women above have commented – a quick, momentary relief that does nothing to actually heal that craving or longing for that ‘something more’. Thank you to all the women blogging and commenting on this site that shows that that ‘something more’ will not be found in another person nor in any literature or on any screen or product but actually within ourselves.
Absolutely brilliant Gina, what you have written here is pure gold and such a call for women to begin being honest about what is truly going on for them. The thing about sex, no matter how exciting it is, is that it lasts a few moments and while satisfying at the time can often leave you feeling like something was missing. On the opposite side of the scale is connection and deep intimacy with your partner and the feeling that this quality is never ending. I know for myself it is deep intimacy that I want in my relationships. What a beautiful opportunity you have given all women to reflect on what they truly want, thank you dearly Gina.
Thank you Gina, I grew up with a violent father, I therefore learned to disconnect from my body, it was then easy to disregard it. I didn’t feel any thing when someone was intimate, gentle or loving with me so I needed a man to be rough with me sometimes causing physical pain, because that was the only way I could feel and supposedly ‘enjoy’ sex. I had the distorted belief that it felt good to be submissive. With the understandings and teachings from universal medicine I have changed completely. I have reconnected to me, and during that process discovered the joy of intimacy, gentleness and love of self and in turn can share this with my partner, we have evolved and we now make love together and it’s beautiful. This has been life changing for me. Fifty shades of grey has normalised abusive behaviour towards women this is not the message we want to be passing on to our sons and daughters.
Gina this is the kind of article that I want to see in all the woman’s magazines. Offering us a true reflection, greater awareness and through honesty …showing us that as woman we can go so much deeper.
I agree Kathryn. Women’s magazines would be so supportive if articles like this were published. There is now one such women’s magazine Women In Livingness available at http://www.wilmagazine.com It is filled with amazing articles written by everyday women that absolutely supports greater awareness and offers a true reflection of how women can be living.
Dear Gina,
Thank you for opening up this topic on this book. I don’t feel comfortable about this book and the main streamness of it. I have a feeling of” not going in the right direction for anyone with it.” Before and after. For men or woman.
We often mistake attention to be love, and even attention that is abusive and disgraceful such as what you have described in the book Gina, can become something even longed for and heralded by women. But does this truly fulfil? Would a lack of true intimacy and connection truly be sufficient? Certainly the answers are clear and present, and could it be that the truth will be felt more so if we are less exhausted?
From what you have written, this book sounds disgraceful- (in all that it says women should be and interactive with). But it is true, it just shows how we are all looking for love and it is awesome that you have reflected on how this actually represents where society is at, and have exposed the underlying issues. It is awesome to get the truth behind this (public) book mania.
Well said Gina. A book is being celebrated as arousing a “renewed vigour and libido in women’s lives”. But, if it is a book that is basically porn, and by all accounts it is, then its not ‘fifty shades of grey’ but pretty black and white to me that it cannot be true love and true intimacy that is re-energising the bedroom of the readers.
The phenomenon of books like Fifty Shades of Grey does clearly show that woman are indeed looking for something, and losing themselves in the pages of an erotic book is a quick fix for a life of missing true connection and intimacy as you write about here. Renewing sex lives all over the world – but how long does it last? The book gets dog eared and soon enough, life in the bedroom has returned to where it was before. Nothing has healed, in fact in some cases, issues may be buried even deeper.
I agree Jo. This ‘soft porn’ phenomenon or as you say Gina, ‘porn for mums’ which has this softer, less overtly pornographic edge feels even more harmful because it’s dressed up in some fairy tale element with an exciting edge as it were. It plays out on fantasies that come from loneliness and emptiness, from a longing for intimacy that we then think comes from the sexual act itself, from being submissive as a woman, or fitting into an erotic picture as prescribed by this fiction that then becomes the ‘norm’. These books are insidious, they disempower women to a great degree, taking a woman further and further away from her true sense of worth and beauty that will never come from sexual excitement or pleasing a man, but from her choosing to connect deeply to her beauty that lies within.
Well said Jo ‘that women are indeed looking for something, and losing themselves in the pages of an erotic book is a quick fix for a life of missing true connection and intimacy’ That pretty much sums up the only purpose of this book and don’t the sales expose just how little true intimacy and connection there is for men and women in the world today.
Yes and it’s actually tragically sad that women are getting lost in the idea that violent eroticism is somehow what they want. Anything to relieve the pain of being separated from their true, fragile, exquisite essence. Let’s keep working to help bring them back to love Anna.
With so many women not finding anything wrong with this kind of literature could it be that (next to the awesome points already made in this article) after so many decades of chasing a false ideal of what it means to have equality between genders women through their exhaustion are starting to give up and give in?
Such an insightful blog, I was disturbed (a strong word I know) by the immense popularity of 50 shades of grey, and shocked people would publically read and promote something so pornograpgic – it is a stark reflection of where we are at as a society and shows that something is most definitely missing.
I have had a look at one of the books and reading it felt very shallow – none of it was alive. As the author said she was putting all her phantasies on paper and it had that shallowness of just listening to somebody’s mind.
Yet it sells enormously even though there must be books with more vivid, actually lived descriptions. Is the very shallowness part of the attraction? It stirs the reader but doesn’t affect them too deeply?
well said! I don’t know very much about the book but I knew that I had a funny feeling about it, it just didn’t feel true and you have nailed it in this article.
I have in the past read a novel that had a lot of descriptive sex in it and it was like wow, I am so grown up reading this…. It made me feel anxious like I was rebelling and I enjoyed the thrill of it but at the end of the day, when I had time to feel it, I was not enjoying it, I felt empty when reading it and all I really wanted to do was go and cuddle my daddy.
Great to now know what this worldwide phenomenon is really about. I haven’t at all felt inspired to read the book. From the understanding you have brought in this article, I feel that this following only serves to deepen the divide between men and women and shows us how in the world there is a lack of love and understanding. That men feel emasculated so need to feel powerful in the bedroom, that women feel uncherished, so being lesser and submissive is a means to receive attention.
I think you’ve brought some really great insights to this issue.
This book is definitely highlighting an important topic for discussion, it is incredibly sad to realise the state we are in, but allowing us to look at the deeper issues is great, and your article has really brought up some interesting possibilities for women and men to consider. With the movie coming out this month it is a great opportunity to expose what is really going on…
Great article and comments/discussion. I haven’t read the book so it was great to get some true insight.
Being honest about the exhaustion and detachment we feel, I know I have, and coming back to connection with ourselves first is a beautiful and truly inspiring endeavour. These ‘fifty shades’ books are escapes from the pain of knowing that we are not intimate with another or ourselves. It is a distraction, does not build love and connection. Thank you, great article.
A distraction away from the lack of intimacy in our lives is a great way to describe this book.
Could it be that men seeking intimacy find it in the visual aspects of pornography and women looking for the same seek it in the more poetic genres? I haven’t read Fifty Shades but there is a reason why it has taken off. That many book sales does speak volumes about how many women are feeling.
A great article a great sharing
Thanks Gina for this blog. To me this book is showing how women continue to look for that ‘missing something’ on the outside, instead of bringing it back to self, by starting to cherish, be intimate and loving with ourselves. This is after all what we crave.
Spot on Gina, I feel you have encapsulated the truth of what is truly going on here. A longing for deep intimacy, affection and love have been substituted by sex which indeed in many cases sets the women up for being exploited and deceived.
Great blog to raise this Gina. I feel that some women have read this book and see it as the way to behave but actually it is asking us to step further away from the love we crave (and actually know ourselves to be) and bury us deeper into loveless relationships that we are all truly at some level trying to avoid.
A really interesting read Gina, and all the comments. thank you.
I have heard of the book but not read it. Having read this blog and all the comments, like Gayle I feel I do not need to read it to find out what all the fuss is about. Also from reading the blog and comments my appreciation of the work of Sara Williams, Natalie Benhayon and Universal Medicine is all the deeper as the women who attend their presentations are shining and living examples of women who have been supported to reconnect to their true beauty and accept nothing less than love: it is a true joy to be in their company.
An article in today newspaper states, reading the Fifty shades of Grey books, may be bad for young womens health.. Those who have read the series, were more likely to have sex with multiple partner and, binge drink..The study by a Professor in the US analyses the link between health risks and popular fiction, depicting violence against women. The results of the study are available in the Journal of Women’s Health.
Thank-you for sharing this Elizabeth. So many are ‘seeking more’ from life, yet as I know I’ve learnt myself, in what way/ways are we seeking? And what are the consequences??
Thank you for sharing this Elizabeth. I have not read “50 shades..” but there is a time that i would have. I did read “The Bride Stripped Bare” many years ago. It was sold as some form of liberating feminist stance, and its initial anonymity was promoted as a reflection of how difficult it is for a woman to express the truth, as though this book represented the truth of what we want.
The fact that books like “50 shades” and “The Bride…” contribute to health problems does not surprise me at all.
The message that came through “The Bride Stripped Bare” was that reckless disregard for self, and risky, nameless sex are a statement of freedom. The price to self was never mentioned.
We know through the dedicated work of Women in Livingness, that we are so much more than this, and that true liberation comes from knowing that we are tender and precious before anything else.
Really awesome account of something that is really blowing up all over the world at the moment. It’s amazing to read you so simply and with no judgement talk about what might actually be driving this craze. Thank you.
A newspaper article I read recently reported that since the publication of the novel Fifty Shades of Grey , there has been a sharp increase in the number of cases, in the UK, of Sexually Transmitted Diseases in the over 50s. The article also went on to say that some Fire Brigades have had call outs for the removal of handcuffs.
I am sure these are just the tip of the iceberg of the repercussions from the publication of this book
Thank you Gina for the blog and all for the comments.
Honest, insightful, gentle, non-judgemental and clear piece of writing Gina which I enjoyed reading immensely and equally all the subsequent comments – so thank you All.
What made my shoulders shudder and go up an inch or two was a thought that not that very long ago, I too perhaps would have picked up that book with the same / similar intention that millions of other women throughout the world have done. I used to subscribe to ideals and beliefs around sex and a woman’s ‘role’ in the bedroom which were not in honouring of me, any other woman or even men – although deep down I KNEW it was not how it was truly meant to be.
It took some time of attending Serge Benhayon’s and Universal Medicine workshops, Natalie Benhayon’s presentations and Sara William’s women’s group to get to the stage where my body (not even my head!) simply said: enough is enough. However, this realisation of where I was and where I am now, brings a certain humbleness to me and a feeling that other women and their choices are not to be judged but simply observed. This is not something I am able to exercise 100% of the time, but when I do the feeling is amazing – well Humble really…
I totally agree Dragana, after attending Sara William’s women’s group, Natalie Benhayon’s and Universal Medicine presentations, I have looked at things totally different. I can now feel the emptiness of the “going through the motions of having sex” instead of being very tender and intimate with my partner and not accepting anything less. My body can definitely feel the difference.
I was also offered the book by my sister and after her explanation of the content, I instantly judged her and the book. But on refection, I can see we are all looking for a deeper connection to ourselves and others. Thank you Gina, Dragana and Eunice.
I agree Dragana, these kinds of books set traps for women looking for something more in their relationships, painting the main man as filthy rich, handsome in the extreme, and ‘sexily’ dominant. The book simply lures you into thinking that a loveless relationship and abuse is fine, so long as it has all the bells, whistles, dramas and good sex.
I had heard of this book as well, hard not to, but I am one of those people who likes to find out for myself what it’s all about before commenting – so I read it on a long plane journey recently. The point that is not yet made, is that the book itself reveals / declares that this form of sex is empty, abusive and loveless. Whilst the female lead in the book partakes in various activities – she also knows that this is not what she is looking for, that it is sex, f*!$!*g, and not making love. She really wishes to be made love to – she can feel and knows that this is not happening. She walks away when she realises the male lead has been so damaged by his past that she feels he is not capable of receiving or giving love.
So it is there in black and white in the book – that the form of sex described in the book is empty sex, is not making love. Thus it will not fill the void of intimacy that people are seeking to fill. Rather than encouraging people to partake in such activities – if fully considered what it is saying, it should really be wakening them up to see that that is not the way!
Thank you for this Eunice! Your comment is such a great wake up call (certainly to me) to be aware how quick we are (I am) to jump into conclusions. Great that you ‘gave the book a chance’ and found out the message for yourself. What is interesting (and again this is more hear say) that it appears many women are not getting the same message. Could it be that we only hear / see what we want / need to?
For sure Dragana – the titillation provided by the sex stories in the book may lead some to think that this is what they need, what is missing, the character in the book does relay enjoying some of these experiences at the time but ultimately does not… she is looking for ‘more’, for love not sex. So yes the book can definitely be interpreted in different ways depending on who’s looking and what the needs are etc.
Good point Dragana. I had heard of the book but not read it but I too had jumped to conclusions from what other people had said. A great wake up call by Eunice.
Thank you for sharing this Eunice. It is definitely not part of the ‘plot’ that I have heard. I suppose the other side of the story is what sells and feeds the hype and generates millions of dollars. So as Gina’s brilliant article questions. What is going on that millions of women are chasing this thrill? Where are our relationships at that we let a book become the living phenomenon that it has filling emptiness with more emptiness.
I had not heard of this book initially until I visited the lady who cuts my hair and found it to be a topic of conversation in the salon. It was presented to me as a ‘must read’ and the few present continued to explain its content. Well, to say my jaw dropped was a slight understatement! Having spent time healing the affect of abusing my body with non-loving sex, I shared that it was not a book I was about to read and asked what it was they were looking for within it. This question was not really answered as the depth of disrespect and lack of love that this book promotes seemed not to be touching the thoughts of those ladies present. I gathered from them that they felt they had gained a new sense of power within their relationships from being the main instigators of passion in the bedroom! It seemed they were more interested in control via sexual activity than seeking true love and intimacy. Yes indeed, a worrying situation for the future generation of women. It is of great importance that another way is presented via blogs like this and by us claiming what we know to be true, so that another path is offered for those who choose to seek.
Thank you for your piece Gina – a great comment, not only on the book, but what it says about “where Western middle class women are at”, for sure. With all the ‘hype’ and enormous response to this, and great numbers of women in the area I live doing ‘pole dancing’ classes (& the like) in order to ‘spice it up’, I did have a look “Fifty Shades”. I do feel it’s important to see ‘what’s going on’, to be able to relate to women in my community. I have to say, that I didn’t need to read much, and what I did read only confirmed the sense I already had. It’s all there – total submission to the male, the ‘titillation’, ‘excitement’, the bizarre… but I’m with you – for what? My husband also looked at the book, and found it totally denigrating to both men and women.
Having found what intimate relating can truly be – with no ‘performance’ needs or expectations, but simply being a deep and absolutely joyful extension of a committed love for self, and another – the kind of ‘activities’ this book suggests that ’empower’ women, only feel to take us so much further from truly loving and honouring ourselves. The submission is nothing short of being deeply DIS-empowering. As The Healing Ingredient commented, at some point, this will all have to eventually be accepted as not being ‘it’ either. I’d love to hear responses from women 6 months down the track from when they first commented on how much things were ‘spiced up’ in their relationships…
It may be a long, long while before humanity actually gets it, that ANY activity undertaken without love, will only leave us empty, and missing something – missing the truly beautiful and precious beings we all are. And so sites like Women In Livingness are a Godsend in stating that there IS truly another way, and it can bring more riches than we ever imagined.
Hi Victoria, I completely agree with what you’ve shared. Perhaps if people shared how their sex lives had been “spiced up” 6 months later, I feel we’d get examples of how the activity has changed but it’s still the same quality. By this I mean it’s still just sex, just in a new position.
Sex in a new position with the same empty loveless feeling they were running away from in the first place.
I agree Victoria, ‘ ANY activity undertaken without love, will only leave us empty, and missing something – missing the truly beautiful and precious beings we all are’. Which brings it back to us and taking responsibility to start truly caring and nurturing ourselves, building our own love, so we are not at the mercy of seeking it externally. Women In Livingness is a great support for this.
It is awesome to read what you wrote here, Victoria, and especially to feel what you wrote about your lived experience of true intimate relating without performance needs. And great point about how interesting (and surely revealing) following up with these women who found this book so ’empowering’ in 6 months time to see how that is going for them now.
I have not read this book, however it has been recommended to me by a female flight attendant on an international flight and by a colleague at work. It felt like they were caught up in the titillation of all it promotes and the performance of having sex rather than the true connection possible with the making of love.
A great and poignant article Gina, thanks for outlining the book Fifty Shades of Grey here. Yes agreed, it is phenomenal just how, (and rapidly too) that book has gained momentum and popularity and you are so right – soft porn fiction has been with us for a while throughout history and these latest rounds of books are now just supped-up / more graphic versions representing current times of how women, plus women who are either in relationships or not are being regarded and also regard themselves. The notion and sad reality that through such books women can unleash and fulfill (suggesting there to be an initial feeling of ‘lack’ in relationship and possible quest for deep intimacy as you write) their sexual exploits to feel liberated and empowered, is a disturbing and worrying path or route that only further denigrates women and compounds the accepted levels of abuse being experienced. Fifty Shades has been labelled (5th August 2012 Mail Online) by a friend of Cherie Blair, wife of British ex Prime Minister, as being “actually a feminist book” which (apparently) Cherie is “taking on holiday” with her, as if this makes it OK or acceptable for anyone keen on women’s issues and women’s power to read.
But the true power to be encouraged as you say Gina, is the great beauty that’s already living inside us; and the truest beauty is learning to discard those things that have tainted and covered that natural way of being, to then live that tapped beauty.
Agree with you Zofia, just like Gina wrote:
‘we can instead look inside ourselves and connect to the beauty that already lies therein.’
Within us is where true power and intimacy starts.
Exactly Monika ” within us is where true power and intimacy starts”
What strange liberation this is, to equate being the submissive recipient of sexual domination. What are we missing here?
Thank you Gina for your insight into the book and exposure of what is really going on for women and the illusion of ‘eroticism’. It is tragic to feel how far away as women we have stepped away from our own beauty and love to want to receive something so loveless as erotic sex. Your article has inspired the responsibility I have as a woman developing in her livingness to offer that reflection for others.
I agree Marcia, it’s tragic the distance we as women have stepped away from our true amazing and beautiful selves to the point that we will allow men to do anything to our bodies, and not only that be proud of it.
This is an important discussion Meg as we can think we are doing the right thing or that this is normal way of living but the truth remains in our bodies and how our bodies feel. We can of course override what our bodies feel but only to a certain point. Our bodies will always keep trying to let us know that something is not right.
If we women spoke more about how our bodies feel after sex then we would start to get to the truth of what is actually taking place.
Meg it is very sad how far we women have stepped away from feeling the truth within our body and so accept things and allow men to do anything to our body. If we just stopped to feel what our body is saying, we would not allow such things to happen.
So true Meg, proud of it and champion it as ‘liberation’ deeply sad.
I agree, if women were being truly honest about what they feel there is no way we would be substituting loving touch and connection for eroticism.
Beautifully said Marcia. What I am struck by by Gina’s great article is how there doesn’t seem to be main stream reflections of women living in a way that honours their inner beauty and wisdom and inspires other women.
I can remember, before meeting the amazing women role models that I meet through Universal Medicine who let their inner beauty shine out for all to see, falling for the illusion of using my body for recognition and being a ‘great partner’ which included being ‘good at sex.’ I didn’t fathom why at the time but I used to feel abused which confused me because I’d consented. But my body felt everything and I couldn’t stop the tears at times
I can so relate to wanting love from another to the extent that I went with what was in the media about what made good sex in order to gain that love from a partner. Without the amazing role models of women like you Marcia and observing truly loving relationships I suspect I would still be either lost in illusion or feeling that I was abnormal for insisting on true intimacy and not making do with whatever came my way.
I’m one of those people who had ‘heard about’ this book but not having read it, I couldn’t understand what it was about or what the fuss was about. Now, having read Gina’s excellent article, I feel I know what the book is about without having to go to the bother of reading it. And I’m deeply touched by Gina’s insight and service in writing this blog and by each of the comments on it. I’m grateful to be associated with a group of individuals who see clearly, feel clearly, and express clearly about the current situation we find ourselves in. Thank you to you all for your contribution.
I had heard this book spoken about at work so it is interesting to hear what it is about. Your question “What possible future fall out will this have on their self esteem?”… I feel there will be a back-lash as women realise this was not the answer, that they have somehow been cheated. I also wonder how the men really feel about this book and what has happened to their relationship since. There maybe the initial elation of their renewed or heightened bedroom antics, but can it be sustained? The expectation to perform in a way that is not true for them, will be an added pressure, so further exhaustion from both sides in trying to sustain a sex life that is so far removed from the love that is naturally there if it were gently nurtured and allowed to grow from a tenderness.
Will it encourage women to out-perform the men in the bedroom as well as the boardroom?
This is a great point Alison, ‘The expectation to perform in a way that is not true for them, will be an added pressure, so further exhaustion from both sides in trying to sustain a sex life that is so far removed from the love that is naturally there if it were gently nurtured and allowed to grow from a tenderness.’
Thanks Gina for drawing attention to what is happening with this state of affairs (!) in the realm of relationship (or lack of it). You write so clearly about this diseased consciousness that is drawing men and women further and further away from the joy of true love. Instead of being the gorgeous beauty that they are, women are hooked into leading men over the precipice. Great article!
I haven’t read the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and have not had the opportunity to be around women discussing it, so thank you for your insight and reflection into the book. It is a pretty sad state of affairs for women if being submissive and then playing all sorts of roles etc. in the bedroom (or should I say dungeon) is what inspires them to feel more alive. I agree with Gina when she raises concerns for the long term affects on women? Can this all of a sudden increased sense of ‘spark’, romance etc. be sustained when it is based on everything that is going on outside of yourself, in this instance based on a fictitious book?
Yes, thank goodness for this website where we can share the deep connection and love we are experiencing from truly learning to honour and nurture ourselves.
Not long after the release of Fifty Shades of Grey came a movie called Magic Mike. There was an article in the SMH called “Women fall for Magic Mike’s spell”. In the movie’s first week Magic Mike had taken $5.3 million at the Australian box office. At the same time, the film Hysteria took $253,691. Magic Mike hit No.2 spot after the new Batman movie The Dark Night even though it was being shown on half as many screens. The article was written by two women who basically thought it was fascinating to watch the phenomena and thought it was a good thing for women as they got to go out and share this experience with other women.
A long time ago I thought there was something wrong with me because even back then I wouldn’t have fallen for the spell, but now I know to truly honour what and how I feel and am learning to express it more clearly in every way, not just in the bedroom. It’s wonderful!
Thank you for clearly expressing this. I agree, the book and its incredible popularity simply shows the extent of the exhaustion. Women are settling for this porn inspired intimacy instead of feeling the pain of their isolation within a ‘happy marriage’. When will we as a species learn that true fulfillment comes from within and not outside ourselves?
Thank you Gina for writing about this much needed topic – it is scary what women will use to fill their void that is due to a lack of intimacy, and yes the fall out from this will be / already is huge. Our young girls are already seeking intimacy and trading their need for intimacy with violent porn. Just yesterday I heard there is a new form of porn, even higher in degradation of the woman (if this is possible), where porn now can actually involve several men on one woman. Young girls are watching this casually on the school bus like it is Harry Potter…
Gina, thank you so much for bringing this light… I had heard briefly about the book, and am saddened to hear more about it. Like everything that’s not founded on love, it will begin to crack and show these women who have now ticked the box of erotic sex kitten… to feel that this is not IT either… And thus, they are on their way!
So well expressed Gina – I agree it reflects to society at large what is happening in our families. What is a great worry is that these readers are the mothers of our future generations and equally worrying is what this development signals to all the men, our partners and fathers to our sons and daughters. What is this telling the world? How will it affect how we get treated in any area of life, given there is now such a movement of further dis-empowerment of women? It seems to me that this is a very insidious poisonous book exploiting women’s vulnerability of wanting intimacy in their lives and as it seems – at any cost.